By AlohaTraveler
It took me a long time to clearly define that what the Bad Man was doing to me was… bad. Plain and simple, it was bad for me. Never mind if he was working through pain, never mind if he had suffered many losses or had an unfortunate childhood. Never mind. He’s a grown man. He was treating me in a way that I can only define as very bad for me no matter what his issues were. Really, it was unacceptable but at the time, I did not have clear boundaries as to what kind of treatment I would accept for myself before I would draw a line in the sand and say, “No more!”
There were lots of excuses he made up and to be honest, there were lots of excuses I made up to try to explain his erratic behavior and his consistent emotional battering of me. Early on, I told myself, “He lost his ministry. He lost his marriage and his five children. He lost his boat. Who am I to judge him? I don’t know what that would be like.” I thought he was a person in a lot of pain. I had a lot of pain too and so I thought that our meeting was designed by God. I am embarrassed to admit that but I really did think this was some kind of divine meeting. We were the same astrological sign (yes, another excuse!) and we had had our hearts broken and had many losses in the years leading up to our divine meeting. So, I was very gentle with him while he emotionally battered and tortured me. I tried to understand where he was coming from. I looked for the “1 percent truth” in the terrible things he was saying about me because I was so open and willing to work on myself. I accepted that maybe I didn’t really see myself as I was, and so his “coaching,” no matter how cruelly it was administered, I took in.
But this is all beside the point. I wanted to explain why I say “Bad Man.” I am not trying to be cutesy here. I started saying “The Bad Man” before I found LoveFraud. I didn’t know exactly what was wrong with him but more than that, I didn’t want to hear his name pass through my lips ever again. His name was once something that stirred me and I said it lovingly, but I didn’t want to hear it anymore. One of my friends started calling him “Captain Whack-a-doo” and “Emotional Black Hole. ” “Captain” won’t fit for most of you but feel free to use the EBH if you like. Hehe.
Bad Man sticks for me because I don’t know for sure what he is. But I do know for sure that he was so bad to me and bad for me. I like this term now because so many of us want to solve the mystery. We want to know the exact diagnosis, but why? What difference will it make? If your Bad Man was like mine, you were being abused. Who wants to be abused for any reason? Not me. I don’t know for sure if Bad Man qualifies as a sociopath but I know for sure he is pathologically disordered and that’s enough for me. I understand this fully now.
Many LoveFraud readers have struggled with this question. There are also the readers who look for loop holes. What I would encourage you all to do is ask yourself this question, “Is this man/woman good for me?” I think we know the answer to that. Over the years, I have dated men that were not a good match for me. I have dated men that were not that good to me because, well, they just weren’t that into me! (Get the book by the way, it’s a great one.)
But only the Bad Man was truly bad for my spirit and my emotional well being. Whatever his problem is, he clearly was not good for me. When I was with him, I was hurting all the time. Or I was stressing, anxious, angry, emotionally battered, sleepless, etc. I argued with him in my head all the time, because I never won any arguments in person. I was exhausted from constantly defending my choice of words, my past, my present, my future, myself. ALL THE TIME! I was just so tired. That doesn’t sound very good, does it?
If you are struggling to find the right answer, I understand how powerful that drive is but what if you let it go by simply admitting this person was not good for me.
I am pretty satisfied with my diagnosis. The Bad Man was bad for me. I am not a psychiatrist. I will never get to administer the PCL-R (though I would love to hear the results). Even if I don’t know the final answer, I do know that he was not good for me and my life is so much better having let him go and moved on. It can be such a long climb out of that emotional black hole. I learned a lot from hitting that bottom but I never want to go there again.
It’s been over three and half years since I left the Bad Man. I feel peaceful knowing that nothing like that will ever happen to me again. Now, I can spot a disaster like him from a mile away. If I see one coming, I could fight him off with my eyes closed and one hand behind my back. Better yet, I would just turn my back and let him walk on by.
Hi Everyone–
Tomorrow is a new day. That is what I am telling myself.
Donna– the article is so wonderful.
I think my brain goes round and round with “Was he bad?” or “WAs I bad?”– b/c when he discarded me– he said and yelled that it was me.
He even– as I have told you all before– made me get on ground– under his feet (He had never been physical before) and say it was my fault that we are over. There was so much emotion in his voice– how could it not be true that I was the bad one?
He was reacting to something that happened between us– so of course– my normal brain still believes him!!
It is all messed up. I have ended and have had relationships end before– even got divorced and my exhus never said I was bad or it was my fault. But with the N’s– it is so sudden and shocking and one sided and drama filled that one is left with their head spinning and the words of the N echoeing in their head–‘It was your fault Meg. I can’t trust you. YOU betrayed me! YOU MISSED THE BOAT. ”
Thanks for letting me vent–
Akitameg, here is a little test to see if the ex was bad or if you were bad. Are you here blogging on Lovefraud? Yes? Then HE was the bad person.
Hugs
So do you know the song “Angel” by Sarah McLaughlin?
Kathy:
I like your idea of keeping your ex-S small. I still get mad at myself for the inordinate amount of space S takes up in my head — rent free.
I have to admit, a lot of my thoughts are of the “what the hell is S going to do me next?” variety and are generated by my instinct for self-preservation. Still, I’m looking forward to the day S is completely minimized in my mind and in the effect he has on my life.
Hey Everybody – haven’t blogged in a while, but I’ve been reading and keeping up with every one else’s stories. For some reason I just haven’t had anything to say. Maybe that’s good. I didn’t have anything to say sad or mad about my ex S.
Though something about V-day brought the mad back, a bit. I’d like to write him a really nasty email or tell him off over the phone (don’t want to see him in person). But, mercifully, I have lost any lingering longing for him. Not sure why, but just “to see” I tried to conjure it up….and I came up with nothing. I tried to “remember” what it felt like to be so in love with him, and came up with a big blank. I remember that I was madly in love with him, but I can’t feel it anymore. And the sex – YUCK. All I have to do is think about all the random and nasty places he sought out sex, as well as the nasty warts and YUCK. Sorry if that was too graphic folks.
Matt – I posted a Go-Matt! note earlier this week when everyone else did saying how awesome you are and how valued you are….but don’t know if you saw it. Anyway, glad to learn you are partying and doing well!
SG – nice to read your terrific posts but so sorry you have been thrust back into PTSD. I had horrible PTSD first two weeks in January with intrusive thoughts, nightmares, EVERYTHING. And it was just awful. Thankfully it has passed.
Great to read everybody, and to see Aloha back and see some new (or perhaps return?) folk.
Xmas is gone, as is New Years, and AT LAST V-day has passed. WHEW. We’re good for a while….
Healing Heart:
Saw your post — thanks. I needed that. Been a tough week. Have been scrambling to get used to being a “civilian”. Have gotten a new mobile, high speed internet, etc. Just keep getting hit with waves of fatigue. Last night’s party was a nice diversion.
I agree — thank God that XMAS, New Years and V-Day are over. None of the others pack the punch those do. Also, by the time that every subsequent holiday came along, S managed to tank those with his bad behavior. I am sooooo looking forward to creating new memories on those holidays.
Nice to see you, HH. It’s heartwarming that you are keeping up with our stories, and probably a good sign that you haven’t had much to write about. Yes, we got through Xmas and VD. Next………..is Mother’s Day. My mother is a narcissistic personality disorder whom I marginally correspond with. So that day is kind of tough for me. It’s worse than VD, which has no meaning for me.
You know, you don’t have to blog about only the sociopath here. This is a healing site and even unrelated things can be good to talk about. 🙂
Hey guys – so nice to “see” you! Yes, even when I feel like I don’t have too much to say, I like to keep up with every one else because I am genuinely interested in you guys and your stories.
Do we all have narcissist mothers? Mother’s day is always weird – NONE of the hallmark cards, or humorous cards, fit my relationship with my mother. In fact, picking out a card was always a really sad process because I would realize that a lot of these cards really did accurately describe beautiful relationships with mothers – and they were completely foreign to me. If there was a “Happy Mother’s day to the woman who birthed me and then shamed me for 39 years” card, I would feel a little more connected.
Last V–day my ex S had sex with another woman. He “disappeared” for about 5 hours in the morning, and then was flat and listless with me later. A Valentines day alone is about a million times better than a valentine’s day on which your lover cheats on you and then later treats you with disdain. SHUDDER.
This Valentine’s day I spent with friends and went to bed early (after catching up on LF stories). I met this really cute artist/musician…..whom I will not date, but boy was it nice to feel some sparks. Thought I had lost the Mojo and left it somewhere in 2007.
I’m so glad we are all out. We are really lucky. All of our ex S’s are undoubtedly hurting other people really badly right now – but we got out.
Dear Rune,
You make a very good point. Those Bad Men/Women that are especially nice and dreamy are very hard to catch. I feel for you. BM looked good on the outside and seemed pretty good to a few people… but his co-workers started to detect his Narcissism.
I don’t know what it was like to be duped when all seemed well on the surfact until they suddenly are discovered. BM was revealing himself to me all along. I just didn’t understand what I was dealing with.
Based purely on your comment, I think your BM was truly a Sociopath. My BM was a Borderline/Narcissist. I don’t know if I have it right clinically speaking but my take is that the really tricky sly ones are the Sociopaths. Though some of those are abusive too. There are so many similiarities in the disorders. It’s hard to separate them into clean little profiles, isn’t it?
BTW, “obsessing” is just part of the healing process. For me, I reached a point of letting it go. But believe me, I did obsess a lot. I am not judging anyone who is stuck there.
I just hope my thoughts might help someone who is stuck in this part of the healing and perhaps they will feel a little release by just accepting the Bad for what it is.. Bad.
The other part that helped me personally was to understand that the “good” was just the other side of the disorder… the seduction, the hook. I used to think the good part was who he really was and the bad part was just pain run amuck or something… now I uderstand all of it is a package deal. and the good was not coming from his heart at all.
Molly,
An ocean kept me from going back. Whatever works. :o) I totally and completely understand that desire to nuzzle up to the man you gave your heart to. That is who we are… we loved and we meant it.
I am glad you decided against your trip back to his town.
Much safe for you to keep a long long distance!
Thanks for your comments.
:o)
Matt,
Good one… “deceased”. Very interesting observation.. we need to dehumanize them. It’s true. Only by doing that can we make any sense of how they treated us.