Editor’s note: The following article refers to spiritual concepts. Please read Lovefraud’s statement on Spiritual Recovery.
My father is a sociopath. He is also a convicted serial killer who resides on Florida’s Death Row. I idolized my dad as a kid and wanted to be just like him, but I could not. Life, I thought, had betrayed me and given me something so cruel that I could never trust again. I didn’t believe that I could ever make sense of this experience.
How could I possibly come to terms with having been raised by such a monster? How could I possibly find peace in my life after being victimized as a child and young adult? How could I come to terms with a question that I thought could not possibly be answered?
That question was, “Why me?”
These are some of the feelings and thoughts that I experienced when faced with so much internal pain, conflict, and suffering that I could no longer look away. I had to either seek the answers to these questions, or completely give up on life. That is how I felt and where I found myself. I was done running and hiding from these dark shadows that had overtaken my life.
This is where I came to a crossroad, and a decision, that changed my life forever. It was a desire to find these answers and a willingness to ask for help that literally turned murder into miracles, and transformed the hell that I was living in”¦to heaven.
Today, I am happy, joyous, and free. I am grateful for the experience because it changed my life for the better and has allowed me to find peace. The murder cannot be separated from the miracles. There is a direct link between what happened to me and how I came to know peace, real peace. There is also an established pathway to get from here to there.
If that sounds absurd to you, I can relate. It did to me too. I heard people talk about spiritual solutions and mocked them. You see, when my dad was killing people, he was telling me about it. I witnessed my father enjoy describing killing another human to me, his favorite son. He thought we were celebrating together.
My response to finding good in this experience was, “You’re going to have a difficult time convincing me that there could possibly be anything good that might come out of this. In fact, you’re crazy if you think I’m going to believe that.” Absurd was too light of a description of this idea that there is a “spiritual lesson” in this type of suffering.
Now, in a twist of irony (and gratitude), that is exactly what I know to be true today. More importantly, this miracle has a specific process that will bring about this change, and it comes with a promise. A promise of Peace.
A wonderful spiritual teacher once wrote, “There is no spiritual truth that I can tell you that you don’t already know”. This is true when dealing with sociopaths as well. Our “gut” does not lie. That is why we feel so uneasy when a sociopath tells us something that is too good to be true. If you are like me, you may have ignored those feelings in hopes of hanging on to something that you believed would make you happy and it hurt you. In this case, my hope is that you will learn to trust this inner voice and allow it to help you. When presented with statements like the one that follows, sit quietly and simply ask yourself”¦”is this true?”
As difficult as it is for many of us to believe, the truth is, every experience we have in this life can benefit us, and become a miracle of healing that helps change the world for the better, if we allow it. The entry way to this Miracle is wide and inviting. It only requires a simple willingness in the beginning. A willingness to believe, that maybe, just maybe, there is a Miracle of Healing that awaits us on the other side that might make sense of all of this.
There is no situation or event that cannot be overcome and transformed into A Miracle. A little hope and willingness is all that is needed to get started.
I wrote for Lovefraud a few years ago, and have since experienced many Miracles in my life. Donna has been kind enough to invite me back so I might share what I have found with you. Over the next few weeks I will be writing a series, using my experience with sociopaths as the explanation for some of these Miracles, and the process that allows each of us to claim them for ourselves.
In the mean time, keep sharing with each other. You are not alone, there is hope and you can find it here!
Travis, I’m so glad to see you back and had wondered how you were doing when I would reread your articles.
Having first hand experience in having psychopaths, violent and murderous ones, in my family I too have found spiritual awakening in the aftermath of dealing with them that I think would not have been possible without the encounters with them. If that’s not a miracle, I don’t know what is.
You and I are fortunate to get the chance to find spiritual awakening, the people your father and my father and my son killed weren’t so fortunate.
I’m not sure “why me?” but I don’t ask that question any more, and I guess, if there is an answer to it, the answer is “Why not?”
No coincidence! Yes, I am grateful to be back here writing and to hear from you as well. It reaffirms my faith when I hear from others with similar experiences. Thanks for commenting. Peace.
“Why not?” is the answer I have been giving myself, too. And I try to look at the wreckage of my life in the aftermath of my entanglement with a sociopath and tell myself that it could have been a lot worse. Far worse. I’ve read many truly horrific events on this site. I’m sorry that others have experienced the suffering that they have, but I am so grateful that they are shared here. It helps me to relate, but also to put everything in perspective. I’m sorting out the rubble and rebuilding a new life, and I already have a much better degree of health in my life. The stress has significantly improved with him gone. I’m hoping the spiritual significance of what I have experienced will come to me, too.
Travis,
Why me? That was the question that I struggled with so much as well. I was a good, reliable, honest, caring person. Why did a sociopath come into my life, and take everything I had, including my self-respect?
Like you, I learned that the entire experience was for my own growth. It was painful, but I got through it, and I certainly did grow.
I now have the ability to truly feel love and gratitude – which I never did before the sociopath. There was so much destruction that my walls were also destroyed – and love came flowing in.
Donna, bad things DO happen to truly good people, and you are no exception, and neither am I. None of us are exceptions—but we can either give up, lay down and die, or we can use it as a lesson.
“Life is a tough teacher, she gives the test first and the lesson afterward.”
I’m not sure who said that quote but it sure is true with me, and I had to repeat the “psychopath 101” course over and over until I got the biggest of the lessons and passed the tests.
There is of course always MORE TO LEARN, and learning the “basics” does open our walls so that we can have TRUE love, love for ourselves and love for others.
And thank you too, Donna, for creating this wonderful PORTAL into a healing center where we can share with each other the learning and the joys.
Wow. Travis. Thank you for sharing. Thank you for bringing a positive message. I look forward to more.
I read this post earlier but after reading some of the posts I have become confused.
I do not want to let down my “walls”..I want to build them. Healthy boundaries…self love…ect. However I’m not sure where to distinguish the difference. Sometimes I wonder if I’m placing barbed wire around my heart in an effort to protect myself from future pain. I can’t imagine truely trusting or loving another man or “friend”…I do not want to date. I don’t know if this is part of the process, but its where I’m at. I see all these people who simply move on…clearly they were not with spaths. I don’t know, maybe if I didn’t have Jr. I would be making different decisions. However for the FIRST time in my life I believe I’m really doing (or trying) to do it right. It’s so hard and painful. I’m not talking about sex or drugs but the work of self-learning and re-learning. It is a very difficult one. I tell you..if it wasn’t for the spath and being so broken I think I could have gone my whole life without ever addressing such difficult issues.
Well if it wasn’t for Jr. I’de be dead…if it wasn’t for the spath I wouldn’t have Jr., crazy circle.
God must have a plan.
coping,
you said, “I tell you..if it wasn’t for the spath and being so broken I think I could have gone my whole life without ever addressing such difficult issues. ”
Me too. Spath used to tell me, “living is easy with eyes closed.” He envied my innocence.
Mine would tell me the thing he loved most about me was my innocence. Now I know why. Funny, he should have paid more attention to my brain since I’m the only one that I know of that figured his crap out.
I do have a couple questions. Are most sociopaths also bisexual? I know they all cheat. And lastly, if a man has a temper and acts on it in the form of Domestic Violence, but doesn’t have any of the other symptoms, then that wouldn’t be enough to make him a sociopath would it?