Why Me?

Editor’s note: The following article refers to spiritual concepts. Please read Lovefraud’s statement on Spiritual Recovery.

My father is a sociopath.  He is also a convicted serial killer who resides on Florida’s Death Row.  I idolized my dad as a kid and wanted to be just like him, but I could not.  Life, I thought, had betrayed me and given me something so cruel that I could never trust again.  I didn’t believe that I could ever make sense of this experience.

How could I possibly come to terms with having been raised by such a monster?  How could I possibly find peace in my life after being victimized as a child and young adult?  How could I come to terms with a question that I thought could not possibly be answered?

That question was, “Why me?”

These are some of the feelings and thoughts that I experienced when faced with so much internal pain, conflict, and suffering that I could no longer look away.  I had to either seek the answers to these questions, or completely give up on life.  That is how I felt and where I found myself.  I was done running and hiding from these dark shadows that had overtaken my life.

This is where I came to a crossroad, and a decision, that changed my life forever.  It was a desire to find these answers and a willingness to ask for help that literally turned murder into miracles, and transformed the hell that I was living in”¦to heaven.

Today, I am happy, joyous, and free.  I am grateful for the experience because it changed my life for the better and has allowed me to find peace.  The murder cannot be separated from the miracles.  There is a direct link between what happened to me and how I came to know peace, real peace.  There is also an established pathway to get from here to there.

If that sounds absurd to you, I can relate.  It did to me too.  I heard people talk about spiritual solutions and mocked them.  You see, when my dad was killing people, he was telling me about it.  I witnessed my father enjoy describing killing another human to me, his favorite son. He thought we were celebrating together.

My response to finding good in this experience was, “You’re going to have a difficult time convincing me that there could possibly be anything good that might come out of this.  In fact, you’re crazy if you think I’m going to believe that.”  Absurd was too light of a description of this idea that there is a “spiritual lesson” in this type of suffering.

Now, in a twist of irony (and gratitude), that is exactly what I know to be true today.  More importantly, this miracle has a specific process that will bring about this change, and it comes with a promise.  A promise of Peace.

A wonderful spiritual teacher once wrote, “There is no spiritual truth that I can tell you that you don’t already know”.   This is true when dealing with sociopaths as well.  Our “gut” does not lie.  That is why we feel so uneasy when a sociopath tells us something that is too good to be true.  If you are like me, you may have ignored those feelings in hopes of hanging on to something that you believed would make you happy and it hurt you.  In this case, my hope is that you will learn to trust this inner voice and allow it to help you.  When presented with statements like the one that follows, sit quietly and simply ask yourself”¦”is this true?”

As difficult as it is for many of us to believe, the truth is, every experience we have in this life can benefit us, and become a miracle of healing that helps change the world for the better, if we allow it.  The entry way to this Miracle is wide and inviting.  It only requires a simple willingness in the beginning.  A willingness to believe, that maybe, just maybe, there is a Miracle of Healing that awaits us on the other side that might make sense of all of this.  

There is no situation or event that cannot be overcome and transformed into A Miracle.  A little hope and willingness is all that is needed to get started.

I wrote for Lovefraud a few years ago, and have since experienced many Miracles in my life.  Donna has been kind enough to invite me back so I might share what I have found with you.  Over the next few weeks I will be writing a series, using my experience with sociopaths as the explanation for some of these Miracles, and the process that allows each of us to claim them for ourselves.

In the mean time, keep sharing with each other.  You are not alone, there is hope and you can find it here!