By | January 21, 2016 127 Comments

Why No Contact With A Sociopath Is So Important

Don't Feed The Animals

Healing from a relationship with a sociopath is hard, often brutally hard. Don’t add to that by being hard on yourself if your own path is filled with dark days and setbacks–even setbacks you may have caused by diverting from a path of “no contact.” We are human. We are imperfect. Seek support from those who understand and will not judge. It’s okay. All we can ever do in life is to move forward.

No Contact/No Emotion

Yet, as soon as possible, no contact with a sociopath is important. If no contact isn’t possible for legal, custody or other reasons, keeping the contact minimal and totally devoid of emotion is critical.

Why? Because sociopaths feed on emotion. I just finished reading a book published by a self-proclaimed sociopath, and he described it as needing “fuel.” Just as we all need oxygen to breathe, food to eat, and shelter to keep us at a comfortable temperature, sociopaths need to trigger emotions in others because sociopaths are fueled by controlling others. Your emotion (just knowing you will react emotionally even if the sociopath cannot witness it) is evidence of that control. They are truly emotional vampires.

Our Emotion is Like a Drug to The Sociopath—It Fuels Them

That’s one of the reasons sociopaths strive for continued contact with former victims. Just as the sociopath is like a drug to you (you know the relationship is toxic, yet you crave it anyway), the fuel your emotional reaction provides for the sociopath (positive or negative) is like a drug to the sociopath. To get it, they need people in their lives–they need you. At first, during the love-bombing stage, the emotion they created in you is positive and that’s fuel for them, too. But as your feelings naturally evolve from giddy, over-the-moon being in love to more mature love, it’s not enough to keep the sociopath fueled. At this stage, they purposely trigger negative emotions and ruminations in you to create the fuel they crave.

Yes, They are Setting You Up

Why was he so nasty to me this morning? Was she really flirting with my best friend? Was I really being inconsiderate by going out with friends after work? And so it goes. Their subtle and sometimes not so subtle behavior triggers a reaction in you. That reaction fuels them, as it is testament to their power and control.

Will the sociopath ever admit to doing this. Heck no, because if you realize you are no more than a puppet to them, then you might leave and the puppet master would be without his/her primary source of fuel, fun, and satisfaction. Why ruin a good thing? To keep the game going, there has to be “deniability” and they put the onus on you–you really are too sensitive, you didn’t understand, you can’t take a joke, you really were flirting, etc. See where this is going? In the end the only conclusion is that you really are a horrible, incompetent, neurotic, fill-in-the-blank, person.

Please Don’t Feed the Animals!

If you live in the country, you’ve probably learned not to put food out for wild animals, because they’ll just keep coming back for more. A sociopath is the same way. Provide him or her with fuel, and the sociopath will keep coming back for more. For your health and sanity, you cannot feed their hunger for your emotional reaction. Just like a wild raccoon that once found a tasty tidbit in your backyard, a sociopath will keep revisiting a potential fuel source. Again, please don’t feed the animals. You want them to stop coming around. They are dangerous—they bite and carry diseases.

Don’t Make the Sociopath Addicted to Your Emotional Pain.

As discussed in my post last week and in my book, intermittent reinforcement (i.e., random acts) of love and attention by the sociopath is part of what makes you “addicted” to the relationship with the sociopath. I’m guessing that probably works in reverse.

If we are inconsistent–contact, no contact”¦. contact, no contact, no contact, contact etc.–with the sociopath, aren’t we training the sociopath to be addicted to us as a source of something that fuels them–emotional pain? You don’t want this.

Perhaps I’m over simplifying it, but there may be the only two ways out once a sociopath considers you a great source of fuel for them. Either:

  • you go “no contact/no emotion,” knowing you will be tested, and the tests will be both brutal frontal attacks as well as sneaky Trojan-horse attempts, and you endure without reacting until the sociopath is convinced there is no more fuel/emotion to be extracted from you, or
  • The sociopath drains you so profoundly that you become so depressed that you are no longer capable of emotion. At that point you are discarded, as you are no longer a useful source of fuel to the sociopath.

Neither road is easy, but if those are really your only two choices isn’t the first option a whole lot better? I don’t mean to be harsh, but perhaps framing it this way will help us stay on the no contact/no emotion path no matter what.

My own sad tale of unwittingly investing almost twenty years of my life into a relationship with a sociopath and sometimes diverting from the best path, is chronicled in my book Husband, Liar, Sociopath: How He Lied, Why I Fell For It & The Painful Lessons Learned (available via It is a cautionary tale of how much one’s life can be train wrecked and one’s soul can be depleted. As I don’t get a “do over,” hopefully some of my painful lessons can help others impacted by these masked vultures.

Identifying names, places, events, characteristics, etc. that I discuss here and in my book have been altered to protect the identity of everyone involved.

Posted in: O.N. Ward

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Hope Springs

This is so true.

I have had to go complete no contact with my SP son.

He has tried to set me up since, texting my husband on New Years, saying that he was in our town, and asking if we would like to meet him and his ‘new’ girlfriend for lunch. (They had come to our town and slept over at some New Year’s eve party). I had already informed my son and my husband that I would NOT be meeting any more ‘girls’ in my son’s life. He is currently separated and going through a messy custody battle with his ex. I will not be a parental ‘cover’ for him nor sanction any more of his behavior, which I would be doing had I gone to this lunch date. Therefor, I cannot and will not engage in any of his new relationships nor will I have any more contact with him. He is trying to triangulate all of us, as I am in my ex daughter in law’s ‘corner’, so to speak.

Anyway, I did not go to meet my son nor his new so called girlfriend…poor girl. I am out of his life…COMPLETELY. My husband could not say no to his own son, and went. When he came home, I told him that I did not want to know anything. He hasn’t told me anything, either. He knows that I am committed to no contact. Hopefully, my husband will follow suit.

Great post…and a MUST!


What do you do when its your stepson, and your husband won’t “give up on his son?” Especially when the son is 19, cuts himself for attention, and just got expelled from school for bringing razor blades through the metal detector.

He came to live with us when he was 13. His mother could not deal with him any longer. In the last 5 years, he has successfully duoed 3 residential treatment facilities, countless therapists, and us.

My son who has autism is 13. I fear that my stepson’s behavior and lack of emotion toward the people around him will confuse and be a detriment to my son.

Should I leave?


Thank you for the fantastic post O.N.Ward,

I didn’t realize until I read your post that I was doing the ‘don’t feed the spath’ choice, it was a few months after the realization of what my X was before I was able to go no contact. At the time I thought I was being spiteful and stubborn, basically coping him with showing no emotion, not reacting to anything other than ok etc, not returning calls & text’s, no interest in him or what he was doing or saying, being busy all the time…Boy! did he not like that at all!! lol he tried the wooing thing again…same response. After no contact for 2 days from me, he sent me a FB message saying this is working for him any more (Awww poor baby didn’t like being treated like he treated me)I called him to come & talk & he tried so hard to take it back & say he only did it to get my attention..But I held strong, broke it off & kicked him out, gave him a mouthful of what I thought of him & went No Contact.

Thank you again for this article O.N.Ward, Was a real validation for me, looking forward to getting your book

Blessings & peace


Bev and Dragon,

Good news that you both are into no contact/detached from the fogger. We can spend a life time, and some of us do, doing their bidding, cleaning up their destruction, consoling their other victims, being their slaves.

Great post, I always need continual reassurance regarding no contact. In the past I was the perfect fuel source. Hanging on his every word and emotion and reacting accordingly. Slowly, I cut him off, first came the information about me, my thoughts, my goals and then came the emotional tourniquet. I have intermittent contact, especially documenting his lack of complying with court orders, but this is always by email and always devoid of emotion. Essentially, I haven’t had any “real/emotional” contact with him for nearly half of a year and I haven’t seen him in nearly that long outside of seeing him in court. This has been a strange journey indeed. As I type this I am again reminded, as I am every minute of everyday, how awful and destructive he is. Enticing my children to live with him, where they were begging me to go live with him (children I raised nearly alone since the day they were born). I let them go. He enticed them not because he wanted the children but to “punish” me, and create more unhappiness in my home if I didn’t let them go, it was a win/win for him. I am coming to accept my family and its division as the price one pays for marrying a psychopath. I will be stripped of everything meaningful. I will have to create new meaning in my life moving forward, while trying to cope with the past. But the upside is, I’m beginning to understand what was always going to happen if I left him now, then, before, it didn’t matter the destruction would be the same, I just think now I can see and accept it for what it is. The alternative to stay married to him, be his slave and whipping post and use my children as inroads for years to come. I now am strong enough to weather the storm, when in years past I don’t think I was. No contact=No abuse

Hope Springs

You are a rare gem, becomingstrong. Every time I read one of your posts, you inspire me to stay the course…to stay strong.

You are in a hard position indeed…you are alienated from your own children. The most incredibly difficult thing that anyone could ever do. I feel so akin to you. I have had to alienate or cut off contact with my own son as well…only he IS the SP.

What makes this so difficult is living in the world, while having no contact with our own children. Try explaining THAT to the mainstream!! I cannot even begin to try to.

Thank you again for your encouraging posts. You nay not be aware of how helpful you are to many. A zillion thanks yous.


Hope Springs

Alienated from our children by NECESSITY…I meant to add.

How many people could even begin to understand that?


Every time a little bit of doubt begins to creep in, I think about how different my children are now that the SP is out of our lives. No pity party from me, because having my children free is worth it. Even the children have realized how beneficial No Contact is.


Dear Bev and all,

Thank you for your encouragement. I’m in continual search for those souls who can understand what “mainstream” cannot. I realized that he took for me only those things which he was able to take, which were never mine to begin with-my children. My children left freely, skipping off as though they were not leaving their mother’s bosom. I was in awe as I watched it. I am in awe today as I hear nothing from them. And then I remember my own mother. My mother, from whom you could not tear me. A mother who I could never ever walk away from. A mother I would run away to be with if take me away from her. A mother who I adore to this day though she’s been dead for many years. But my mother gave me something, a very precious gift for when I am lost and I cannot find my way. She gave me an internal compass. Though this compass has been battered and beaten now works again and its says Due North. My children left because they were promised Neverland. I am glad to know where I stood with them. They freed me. They freed me of living a lie. There is no middle road with these types. It’s all or nothing and usually it the choice between two negatives. In my case, he thinks I lost and that he hurt me irreparably. He has hurt me but not irreparably. And during the mending I will put on my mask. He will not ever see my tears, frustration, happiness, anger, elation…, he will only see the mask of stoicisim-I can wear masks too. The difference between his mask and my mask is I only have to wear mine in front of him. Thank you all

Hope Springs

On…my…I am crying as I read this post.

Perhaps what makes me the saddest in all of this, is the relationship that I have with my own mother. I only wish I could have the same relationship with my own son. I know that I cannot.

My mother is my everything. She is a rock. She is all loving. She is not judgmental. She was and is caring and accepting of me. Always. And, yes, she also gave me my internal compass.

Because of her, I can recognize unhealthiness.

Thank you Mom. I love you.

Hope Springs

By the way…I can understand what many cannot.

I am there.

Rosie Jackson

becomingstrong, you must stay the course! Their children are their favorite “puppets” that they use to control, manipulate and hurt you. When I left my ex he used my daughter as a pawn to get me to come back to him. He kept me from contacting her by taking control of all forms of communication. Realizing that I’d “sleep with Satan” for my kids that’s exactly what I did. I came back to the devil.
I discovered that in my absence my ex was telling my daughter horrible things about me. The worst was that SHE was the cause of my leaving and not HIM! I also found out that he had begun treating her exactly like he had treated me and that she was becoming increasingly depressed. Who could blame her. He’s demonic. I have three children and two are grown and on their own. Although the psycho ex is out of my life he continues to use the oldest (ironically, the abused one – the other two were flauntingly adored by the ex – triangulation / divide and conquer) to do his evil bidding. I pray for him. I have my daughter back and, now that the psycho is gone, I know in my heart I will one day have them all come back to me. They’re all much smarter than “Forrest Gump” and they know in their hearts “what love is.” It’s what they’ve always gotten, pure unconditional love, from their Mom. I’m praying for you, sweetheart. Stay strong! God bless you.


I don’t know how I missed your comment when I posted before but I went back and saw it. Thank you for your story and encouragement. They do use their children. Like you, all forms of communication are monitored and they are not allowed to call and I must do all the calling. At first I called to find myself on speaker phone with him in the room. The conversations sounded forced, insincere and stilted. I said no more. I’m not going to have a fake relationship with my children. Interesting that your daughter joined in the abuse. I have a child, who he has groomed to be his “underling” “pro gee”. This child had his marching orders to be abusive. This child was one of the children who went to live with him. There was certainly triangulation going on. I nixed that. Then he worked on the second child. This child became horrible to me over a very short period of time. You could see the resentment in her eyes, though far from puberty. Even my babysitter commented on the change in her. She also opted to go live with him, long before any game playing began. I am open to having my children back and in my life but they first must be done with him. Sorry to say, that is how is has to be, or I’ll go right back to square A with children who are is inroads to further abuse me. Like you I had the choice be married to him or have my children. I no longer hope, I feel that can be a misleading sentiment used to keep us from facing reality, but I will always love my children. I am open to having a relationship with those who are willing to choose love and respect over things and abuse. Those types can damage what is a natural relationship mother/daughter mother/son. They can make you look at your children and wonder what you gave birth to. Unfortunately, I see my son having many character similarities, or lack thereof, as my husband.

If you don’t mind me asking how did the reconciling with your daughter happen?


If you don’t mind me asking I’m wondering, how old was your daughter when you left your husband the first time (?)? How long were you done? How old was she when you left for good? How old was she when you reconciled and how much contact did you have during the interim?
Thank you



Your son, is not a reflection of you or your values. He is a reflection of himself. They leave us wondering “why us”. Your mother instilled a device in your brain and in your heart that said you are a person worthy of being treating humanly and lovingly and respectfully As these abusers enter our lives through, birth, marriage, friendship and the like, they bank on societal pressures to keep us in place. A society, which acknowledges next to nothing on these sociopaths. Many of these rules are meant to keep the abused “hemmed in” and the abuser free. The rules never apply to the abuser only to the abused. We become slaves with no where to turn because we are “shirking” the rules they said we have to live by. We were willing to live by the rules. We wanted to live by the rules. They didn’t. The only rule we have to live by is the Golden Rule. Once the Golden Rule is broken we get our get out of jail card (which is what these rules become when you live under abuse-a prison). And we need to take it. Maybe we are here to acknowledge to ourselves and others that these roles, rules, shackles that keep us hemmed in to abuse should and must be broken.
Thank you Bev for being here for me in my time of need.


I keep asking myself what happened to that strong, independent, beautiful person I once was? After Day 2 of “no contact” he managed to to send me a SMS through somebody’s else’s Messenger log on. As we all know a POP UP appears and before I realized it was him I opened it. Once opened I fell right back in the trap of texting.
Of course, he is turning the situation around and blaming me. He continues to accuse me of seeing other men and stating how important they must be to me. And when he finally ends the text he proclaims his love for me and how he would really love to see me so we can talk. He loves me more than he has ever loved anyone in the world.
BULLCRAP! I have heard it all before. I failed at my ” no contact”. I think part of my unsuccessfulness is due to me being here alone with only my two dogs. I find myself thinking of him. I believed him that he loved me. How can someone “pretend” as good as he did? I am hurt and disappointed in myself for allowing this man to manipulate me. I have tears flowing constantly. I think it’s time for a mini-vacation. My best friend lives five states away she wants me there with her. I just don’t know how much good that will do. I guess it will at least prevent me from being alone. I will continue to read Lovefraud and all materials that I can in order to overcome this man. Next week is my doctor appointment. I will speak to my doctor about setting an appointment for mental health, for counseling. I need it.


I joined this site after reading this article. I am facing a long road ahead of me to gain some normalcy and get my life back. I am leaving a full blown Psychopath (after three years of torment) and I am trying everything I can to do it successfully this time around and to do it with minimal damage to myself. Hearing about making a “no contact” deal with myself, and even my counselor and my family and friends sounds like an action plan that I can hold on to. Thank you for this article because it really helped me a lot tonight!

Zonna – welcome to Lovefraud. No Contact is the answer. It enables you to escape the fog, the confusion, and begin to see the truth. We have many articles here on Lovefraud that may help you. Look in the “Recover” heading of the archives:


Guess I’m learning the hard way. I broke no contact 2 weeks ago and now he’s dissappeared again. So now I’m back to square one after 4 months of no contact! I feel like an idiot. And i’m back to feeling like his fiance is lucky. He must really be in love if he dissapears and seems to give her his undivided attention.


I had two days without contact and broke it. I started feeling just like you. Asking myself why? So I needed to talk to him. Last night I spoke to him via web cam. I recently joined this group and everything in this website is FACT. So during our conversation I noticed how he wasn’t listening. He told one lie after another. Earlier he had sent me a text calling me a C_ _ T, a b_ _ _ h, and every other degrading name. Long story short, I told him I know he is screwing someone because his behavior is similar to the other times I caught him cheating. Of course he denied it. Then he said straight to my face ” I love you and only you , I would die for you”. Ya right, I thought. So I let him believe that I would be here for him. Guess what after I disconnected, I blocked all communications once again. I have made a decision if he contacts me through someone else’s phone or facebook or IM message I am not going to open it, Delete.
So like you I feel hurt and used. After hearing his same old bullshit and being a part of this wonderful group I am going to stand back up and stay strong. Easier said then done. Remember if you fall the good thing about it is you can always get back up. Wishing you the the best.


My heart skipped a few beats when I read the part that says ‘I would die for you’…..heard it often through our 33 year marriage!

Rosie Jackson

Caitlyn, he is as incapable of loving her as he was / is incapable of loving you or anyone else. His new “fiancé” is really just his next victim. His “undivided attention” is love-bombing. Remember when he did that to you? It was, is and always will be, a lie. He’s using her to hurt you and what a sick, sadistic game that is. He will cause her the same pain he caused you. Don’t let him cause you any more pain. Forget him, he’s not worth it. He never has been. Pray for her. She’ll be the next one suffering.


Hi Rosie! I just saw your reply sorry i’m just getting to it. Been going through another down spell since i broke no contact but i’m ok just angry. I’ve blocked him for the last time! I know deep down he can’t really love her if he has no problem cheating and meeting other women. He’s still using an online dating profile as well so i guess that shows how much he loves her. I can’t understand why she never senses anything is off especially during the times he was spending with me.


Doing the NO CONTACT in the beginning of getting away from a sociopath significant other is challenging. I accept the challenge.

Although I had two days and failed. Here I am working on day one again. Last night I had a conversation with my now ex- SP boyfriend . His lies are clear. My new line to him is ” You should be Saran Wrap because I can see right through you”. He continued to blame me for us not being so close. He called me every name in the book via text message prior to our web cam conversation. Then he spoke of how much he loves me and that he would do anything in this world for me. I asked him what love is to hm. His response was “forever and a day”. I said that isn’t love that’s a slogan. Love is putting the other person first. He sickens me.

So here I go on my way to a better life. Remember if we fall, we can always get back up. I will STAND BACK UP.


Hi Constance247, I want you to know that you are not the first to break no contact. Everyone has broken it at least once. You are correct today is DAY ONE of No contact!! 🙂

Reading your post my thought is You Get who he is!! You get it!! This is a great mindset to have Constance!! You say “He sickest me”…this is a great place to be!!

Blocking him COMPLETELY is essential to following with the No Contact Rule. IT’s hard to cut the person out who you have been emotionally bond it to for so long but it is the only way to heal and move forward with your new life.

Completely blocking a sociopath is change your phone number and only give it to your most trusted family & friends. Block him from social media very thing and better change your social media account to a none name and only let your friends/family join. Block all web cam with him. Have your computer swept to make sure he did not install any spy ware. Remember that when you talk to him via web cam he can record everything you say & do.

I am glad that you are seeing his words for what they truly are = a “slogan” = a con to suck you back into his con game! Be proud of yourself you finally have taken the rose colored glasses off when looking at him and now you see him for who he truly is a pathologically lying sociopath.

What helped me when I first left my ex husband was to come here or other sites and everything I was emotional…sobbing, crying, angry I READ, READ, READ everything up at the top of Lovefraud over and over to open my mind up to who he really is a pure evil person. I also watched the videos up at the top of Lovefraud over and over to. This actually calmed me down when I was emotional and it gave me the understanding of all the mind games he did to me & I related every thing I read & all the videos to my own marriage. In time I never wanted to talk with him or see him again ever. I promise you this will happen to you once you truly impose the No Contact rule.

When you feel like you “need to talk with him” come here and vent…dont worry about spelling or grammar just type it all out, or you can do the same just with paper at home or if you need to talk with someone call the national domestic violence hotline to talk with a free counselor. You dont have to do the No Contact Rule alone we are all here for you!

Day 1 of the NO Contact Rule starts now 🙂 🙂 🙂

Take care,


Hi Constance247, Here is a good article about the emotional bond that you have to break with your abuser.

“Why Initiate a”No Contact” Rule When Leaving a Narcissistic Relationship

No contact is initiated as a way of breaking the psychic emotional bonds between you and a narcissistic partner, friend or family member. If you have been involved with a narcissistic person for any length of time you will undoubtedly have a strong attachment to that person. This attachment needs to be weakened which will happen much more quickly once you engage the rules of “no contact.”

I am referring to the rules of “no contact” as RULES but these are only enforced by you. These are your rules! If you break these rules you are the one who pays the consequences. And”there are most definitely consequences that come in the form of emotional pain and re-attachment.

No contact gives you the space and time to get your energy back into your life. It can be challenging at first as you may have to resist the urge to answer the phone, return an Email or make that call. You must get into the habit of policing yourself for your own good. Imagine that you have two different aspects of yourself; a parent self and a child self. The parent self will have to police the child self to be sure she doesn’t do anything that will hurt her. You know intellectually that breaking the rules of “no contact” will hurt that child, so you stop her from doing so, even though she is throwing a tantrum.

Making a decision to cut off contact with a narcissistic personality when leaving the relationship is an important part of your recovery process. The decision to initiate “NO Contact” is a decision for your health and sanity.

When you remain in contact you continue to engage in the relationship on some level and are still affected by its craziness and dysfunction. You will normally continue to be affected by the hot and cold behavior of the narcissist, be pulled in and pushed away, confused and hurt. You will continue to be drained energetically which results in depression and lethargy.

The best remedy for getting yourself back is to stop giving your energy to the relationship in any way, shape or matter. You can only dry off when you take your feet out of the water. Cut off his access to you and your energy!

Of course there are cases where ’no contact” is not possible due to the involvement of children or when the narcissistic personality is a direct family member. However even in these cases contact can be greatly limited and sometimes all contact can be through a third party mediator.

Here are the rules of No Contact:

1) Once you have made the decision to end the relationship get your business taken care of immediately, if possible. If you are married and going through a divorce you will need to initiate the divorce right away or make the decision to put it on hold for six months to a year while you take care of yourself and your family. During that time you can initiate “no contact” and then initiate the divorce paperwork, through an attorney when you are stronger. Let the narcissist in your life know that you are ending the relationship and won’t be in communication with him for a while. Ask him to please refrain from calling, text messaging, Emailing, instant chat or stopping by your home or workplace.

2) Taking care of business involves getting your possessions, giving him his possessions. Getting separate living quarters, separating bills and anything that would give you a reason to contact him or for him to contact you. If necessary use a third party mediator.

3) Clean out your home and get rid of any memorabilia having to do with your ex-narcissistic partner. If you are having issues throwing something away or burning it, put it in a big box, tape it up and store it somewhere where you won’t see it. If you are comfortable burning sage or incense this can help clear the energy of your home. Also burning candles is a good way to shift the energy.

4) Make no arrangements for personal meetings. If he stops by, don’t answer the door. If you see him in public, put your sunglasses on, avoid eye contact and move past him as quickly as possible.

5) Make or accept no phone calls. If he calls, don’t answer the phone. If he calls from an unidentified number and you hear his voice on the other end, hang up without saying a word. He’ll get the message. If he leaves a voice mail message try and erase it without listening if you can. If he is persistent, consider having your phone number changed. This is your sanity we are talking about. It is priceless.

6) Make or accept no text messages, emails, or instant chat. It is best to block his emails and even consider having your own email address changed so he won’t have your information. This prevents him emailing you from an unknown address.

7) If you are on any mutual community Websites, you will want to stop visiting those sites. Do not access his Web pages, profiles, or anything that will give you current info on him. What he is doing is none of your business. What you are doing is none of his.

8) If you have friends in common, you will want to let them know that you are avoiding any and all contact with him at this time so you can focus on your healing and you request that they NOT share any information about him with you nor any information about you with him. If you find mutual friends do not support your request you will want to avoid contact with them for a time. Do not allow anyone to tell you that what you are doing is crazy, silly, stupid, childish or invalidate your decision in any way. This is a time to surround yourself with people who support you and let go of people who don’t.

9) If you work with him, in the same office building, same company, etc.. Same rules apply. If you are forced to do business with him, keep all communication strictly business and don’t allow him to engage you in any other way. Remember: He no longer has access to you or your energy.

10) If you have children with him you are best to engage a mediator for all contact. Narcissistic people will often use the children as a way to get to you. You may consider asking a family member or good friend to act as the mediator for young children. If your kids are old enough to handle their own business, let them work out the details of any visits directly with the other parent and communicate with you to be sure you approve. Be careful not to use your children to punish the narcissistic parent. The kids will be the ones being affected. In some cases when the narcissistic parent realizes he has no control over you and using the kids doesn’t work, he may bow out altogether and you may rarely hear from him. So it is important that you don’t allow him access to you, even if you have kids. Keep it strictly business.

How Long Must No Contact Last?

No contact should remain in affect until you feel the bond has been completely severed. This can take several years so be prepared to continue “no contact” for a long time. Most will find once that bond is severed there is no need or desire to see that person, but the rules can soften a bit at this point so if you run into him on the street you may say “hello” and be kind, but not engage in any “real” conversation. If you have kids together you may be able to communicate directly at some point in the future, although there is absolutely no guarantee this will work well.

Once you have moved on, down the road, you will want to be careful not to make the mistake of believing maybe he/she has changed. The likelihood of any real change is very small. Always assume he is the same person as he always was. Even if he had changed, your trust in him has already been severely damaged and you would never likely be fully trusting again. This is no way to have a relationship. You deserve to have someone you can trust completely in your life.”


Thank you so much Jan7 and to everyone who is on the site dealing with a sociopath significant other. To be honest I am feeling so much better. When I am alone and feeling down I will be right here to share because no one understands what I have been thru except all of you.
Day One coming to end…looking forward to day TWO!


you are not alone, you have support here, we know what you have been thru and let me tell you it will get easier, its been a few years for me, I work on myself everyday, so you can do it too, I have faith in you!


Hi Jan,

On a different note I have a question. I believe you said on a previous thread, though I can’t remember which, that many sociopaths have OCD like behaviors (that is my memory). I have looked on the internet and found next to nothing on it. My husband has a lot of OCD like behaviors/rituals. I was wondering if you are able to shed any light on the matter?

Thank you in advance


Oh i i realize you are all so right. I don’t know why ive been struggling the last 2 days. Ive been sooo tempted to contact him. I thought i was fine and than like train hitting me i wanted to contact this lying cheating little boy!! Its so hard to accept who he is, its surreal. I loved him with my heart and soul.


I felt the same, my world revolved around him and then the rug was pulled out from me, its sad to know that there are some sick people like them in this world and you can only understand it till you have been thru it!! There is a lot of support here!! Good Luck


ugh, I broke contact but I DID NOT go see him. I just said no and just threw some insults at him. He paid me back today by poking at me all day to come over. I was about to break down and he left me hanging after asking if I saw his new picture on the dating website. What a pig he is! I was relieved and I’m stronger than ever now and the next time,tomorrow,I will ignore him. My phone is my business line, I can not change it and blocking him is still scary for me. I’m taking it one day at a time!


Zonna, you should be proud of yourself for not going to see him. THIS IS HUGE!! It’s not easy to end a relationship with a sociopath the bond has been so manipulated that its hard to just walk away. You have just learned a valuable lesson of exactly what happens when you take his bait…he just once again showed you that he will only play mind games with you…that is all that you would ever get out of a relationship with him. You will never get love & respect from him. Nope you will only get lying, cheating, conning, manipulation from him.

I think it is great that you came here to vent. This again is HUGE!! You reached out for help this is exactly what you want to do when you feel the need or urge to contact him. Right now think back on how he made you emotional feel yesterday. Did you feel like you were back on his emotional roller coaster ride spinning to no whereville? did you have anxiety & stress? These are the things to understand when dealing with a sociopath…they bring nothing but misery to your life. Our emotions i.e. anxiety, stress, anger, crying…are our warning alarm to alert us to danger. He is dangerous and your body was reacting correctly towards him.

You did the right things Zonna…you realized you made a mistake talking to him, You told him NO that you would not see him and then you came and vented.




thank you Jan! That helps so much just knowing I have support! Thank you!


This no contact is key. I went back and forth for years. I have established no contact (disclosure I have to on occasion email him when he has violated court orders to bolster my case-but that is it). I would also highly encourage everyone to change passwords to EVERYTHING. My STBEXH, hasn’t contacted me directly in months (thereby leading me to believe he has lost interest-a good thing), but I recently found out that he has been looking at my NETFLIX acct. You would think what’s the big deal. First, I only got this account last year, mainly for my children; secondly, my account has been dormant for months (in fact I forgot I had it until a friend of mine recommended a series I should watch); thirdly, he has been watching a dormant account for months and then presto we started using it; fourth, he is very patient indeed and will feed off of any information from afar; fifth, he now knows what I watch, when, and how often. Though he has his own account and has his own for years he got my children who live with him to give him the password. I’m not sure why one would even bother but they can feed off off crumbs. Change everything. They stalk in ways that leave most of us scratching our heads and act like they don’t. Needless to say, I changed my password and he knows I’m on to him-again. BTW, I was thinking this week of some of his tactics. One in particular I didn’t notice until now-which I attribute to the clarity of going no contact. His tactic was to take me out to dinner and order a glass of red wine. Then he would make this hand gestures which would lead me in fear the whole meal that the contents of the glass would land on my lap. He actually spilled wine on me “accidentally” no less than 5 times. But to this day when someone at my table orders wine I’m always watching where their glasses are-cleaver isn’t? Keeping me on edge always.


I thought I could handle “talking” to him, I couldnt and I couldnt over and over again, then slowly it got easier the more I learned on this page and researching!! Everything made sense. I tried warning the other women, he made me out to look crazy. The BEST advice is to keep trying to go no contact, if you have to have contact or he gets thru to you somehow, use the Grey Rock method (yes, no boring answers, no emotion in your voice, I have not heard from my ex in 2 years but he passed away a year ago, so I know its done and over, I am in therapy and on medication and working Very hard on myself, I had a lot of issues my whole life so I was bound to be a target.Good Luck everyone and take care of yourselves first!!

Hope Springs

It’s all so unbelievably true.

I know that I can have NO contact with my SP son. He knows how emotional I am and not only feeds on it, but also uses it to manipulate me.


I do agree that no contact is the best option we all come to realize as the best way to end the suffering and begin the healing process.
But when over time we feel safe, balance and almost back to normal there is no doubt we do well in general if we haven’t sadly end our life’s or never recover completely from our experience.
We all carry the wounds and scars of such experiences and they are part of who we are as we move forward.
But reflecting on my own ordeal and as much as i have put a million miles between me and her the thoughts and feelings that while I’m safe in my new life
I can’t stop thinking of the other victims to be.

We have the right to own guns as much as sociopaths have the legal right to be who they are. Right?
But if we shoot and hurt someone or even kill another person we go to jail. That’s why we need to be background check before we get the gun. If we are criminals no gun.

Sex offenders also are registered for the benefit of us all.

Sociopaths hurt, ruin lifes and even kill by suicide with impunity. And are allowed to do it as many times as they wish in their lifetime. No one screens or does background checks on them as they move to the next victim over an over again.

There is no love fraud law registry in our country. Lucky them.

There is something fundamentally wrong with this. I think it is time for people like us in conjunction with all advocates to stand up for our selfs and take the fight to the next level. I don’t want to be just another story in a blog where empathy is poured on to me by thousands while they in a way laugh at us all cause they know they can set up shop again and again and again with ever more confidence, experience and determination acquired by us paying for their schooling.

I’m talking about organizing and take legal steps to make people we exist and “they exist” People who are not aware of what is out there lurking and waiting to victimize them. Innocent people at risk of falling for one of this monsters.

I will like to see a political action comity be form that represents the thousands of victims to lobby for the creation of a data bank to register all offenders.
To see that legislation be created to protect us not them. There are no legal mechanisms by which to address the brutality and deaths we are exposed to by this predators.

Remember, when HIV came about they made it a crime to knowingly passed to another person. Same with herpes.

Friends, nothing revolts me more that while I now feel save after been a victim who still remains far from being the man I use to be. To know that she/he is still out there free like a bird to do the same harm to another fellow man or woman is to ignore they do exist and a free pass WE gave them to continuo business as usual.

I think we owe it to the innocent as we owe our children, or love ones to teach them and spare them of the dangers in life.

Maybe just maybe us victims in doing so will find the much needed healing and balance by being proactive about the issue and flat out confronting this monsters in a different plain field. Where justice and the rule of law will be our allies and us doing communities a service.



I for one understand your frustration. I don’t believe a “national registry” is the solution. Remember, that these types would beat to the punch and a lot of good people will be placed on it by sociopaths and slandered/libeled on such registry, if one could exist. Education with friends, our children, or friends’ children, schools, and our communities are where we need to start. Educating people we know how pervasive this problem is. Further, many Lovefraud victims are repeated victims of these types. Some of us know who they are and yet we are drawn to them and them to us. As long as there empathic people there will the atrocities committed by sociopaths. Breaking free of the shackels that society places us in is one way to combat the problem Spouses need to break free of their abusers and let those children who love sociopath go live with the sociopath, parents of adult sociopaths need to cut the ties, children of sociopathic parent/s need to cut the ties. The rules of society need to change. A registry is not going to solve that problem we are going to solve that problem, individually and collectively. If you can and must go on the offensive in court proceedings get a lawyer who draft the necessary motions to make your plight public record, take that person to small claims, etc… and when facing a new relationship do you your due diligence and look in the history and on public record and make an educated decision. We need to teach our children to make educated decisions. If the woman/man your considering as a long sordid history, run. How can we change society when as individuals we won’t take a stand? I am sorry you are hurting. We all are.


I wondered if you could bring a civil lawsuit down on someone for mental anguish. It is considered domestic abuse and if you had proof I think you could. I have often thought about it but he beat his last girlfriend and got in a lot of legal trouble so his day is coming this Thursday in court! Sometimes you get revenge simply by waiting out the psychopaths own dysfunctional behavior!


In the state in which I live you can bring a lawsuit titled, “Intentional Infliction of Emotional Distress”. This can be its own stand alone lawsuit without additional claims- but you must show it was intentional. There is another lawsuit, “Negligent Infliction of Emotional Distress” which usually piggybacks on other torts/claims as a byproduct of an Intentional tort. Look into this and seek advice on the matter. Lawsuits are extremely expensive, and since the advent of tort reform and if you hire a lawyer, will be “pay as you go” and not on contingency. Not to mention emotionally draining . You can always represent yourself Pro Se. However, if you are in a divorce it is something to consider. Usually its best to document the abuse as it occurs rather than much later. However, if you have damaged property or injuries requiring treatment small claims court is very user friendly and inexpensive generally. Unfortunately, the courtroom doors in many states have been slowly closing and not as accessible to cost involved. In some cases, if you lose your suit you have to pay the opposing party’s legal fees and vice versa. Not a pleasant thought especially in cases that are not well documented. Well there’s my two cents for what it’s worth.


Thanks for sharing this info. Do you know which states recognize this torte?


There are a couple of websites where victims can post info on players/spaths.

Another way to protect oneself is to go slow in dating, avoid long distance relationships, get to know someone and observe him in a variety of situations interacting with a variety of people, ie. work, family, church, etc., before making an emotional and physical commitment. Also, look at the ‘fruits’ of someone’s life – what are his relationships like with his family, co workers, etc. Does he have a stable job in which he is reasonably successful. This won’t protect against all spaths, but it will weed out many of them.


Hi Annette,
I wouldn’t be able to tell you the states but if you google “intentional infliction of emotional distress” and the state you should be able to find out. I did a Google search for Illinois as for example and came across a lawyer’s website that I thought did a good job explaining the tort in Illinois and I’m including the link as a guide of what the tort is and what a good explanation looks like. Hope it helps.


In fact if this advice were practiced by all ALL the time, this website would not need to exist.


people would still need information.


Unfortunately, no contact is difficult when the sociopath is your elderly father. Although I’ve established clear rules of conduct, he still can’t resist the temptation to “do his thing”. At a family dinner in a restaurant, assured that I don’t have a ride home, he will wait until I’ve ordered my food before subtelly reminding me that a tiny parakeet died in my care when I was 6 years old. He’s quick on the draw when it comes to verbally attacking me with a cruel memory that he knows really hurts. He speaks so softly and with much love in his voice when he tries to murder my soul the way he did my mother’s. Even at age 64, it still takes me a few days to recover from an encounter. But, no matter what and who is present, I will get up and leave. That’s my rule! My brothers and children say I’m immature, unforgiving and am the one who ruins family gatherings. He appears to be a darling, attractive, sweet grandpa, the kind everybody wishes they had. People have come up to me in public and stated that I was the worst daughter, they had ever met and I should be ashamed of myself. How could I neglect him, so? This is just one of the ways he manages to hurt me indirectly, even though we live in different cities. When he attends my concerts, one of my brothers is assigned to stay with him every minute. If he has a chance he will tell the conductor or anyone who will listen how he suffered and starved to pay for my music lessons. He will use any opportunity to steal credit for and undermine my accomplishments. He is ruthless in his endeavors towards me. Looking forward to the funeral!


It sounds like your situation is heartbreaking. He is a sadist to treat his own daughter that way.

It sounds like he is able to push your buttons by getting you to get up and leave any time he chooses by saying subtle things he knows are hurtful to you. You might consider not giving him that power over you by not spending time in his presence or not having any contact at all. Consider not inviting him to your concerts, or if he does come just be gracious and ignore his rant about starving to pay for your music lessons. You will look sane to others, and he won’t have the power to push your buttons. It’s easier said than done, but the rewards to you of getting out from his crazy manipulative cycle of interactions may be worth it. Consider looking forward to his frustration at not being able to manipulate your feelings and make you feel bad!
The grey rock technique to deal with psychopaths might be helpful to you:


“They’re dangerous and they carry diseases.” I remain no contact because I have finally transcended the cognitive dissonance. My brain has stopped ping-ponging back and fourth. I now see clearly who he is. He is a dangerous man and I feel so sorry for the woman in his life. He is conning her. It’s clear that not all is rosie in the relationship and yet she stays. She stays and denies, like I used to stay and deny. She doesn’t really like his incessant flirting, his unexplained absences, sexual deviance, or his dependence and love of her money. She lies to herself everyday because she’s stuck in the quicksand and like me, it will take a herculean effort to pull herself out. I wish I could talk to her, but I can’t. She’ll figure it out on her own, just like the psychopath’s ex wives and countless ex girlfriends have. She will one day realize that if he was capable of better, he would have done better a long time ago and that his past behavior is the predictor of the future.


wow, sounds like the man I’ve been involved with! I tried to warn many women but it seems to lead the sickest ones right to him. I gave up, my lessons are mine and whoever gets involved with him are learning their own lessons. I am on my 1st day “again” of no contact!


You might let the new victim know that if she ever has any questions or would like to talk to you, you’d be happy to do so. That way, when she is going through the hell that he will put her through, she may feel comfortable reaching out to you. You may be able to help her get through it all, given your experience.

I would have liked very much to talk to my ex psychopath’s first ex wife, but I did not know how she would feel about it, so I never contacted her.


Annette: i contacted the fiance’ of the sociopath who strung me along for 6 months to try and let her know what he’s been doing behind her back. I sent her a message through Facebook telling her that he was seeing me for 6 months and that he never mentioned he was involved. I told her we’d taken trips together, he said he loved me, and would never hurt me and i was the one for him and everything.i also gave her the name of the online dating site he uses along with his screen name. She pretty much told me to get lost which tells me either she didn’t believe me or he told her some lie about me… Maybe he told her i was crazy and a stalker who knows but she’s still gonna marry him.


It would be consistent with spath behavior for him to be lying to her about you. When his new victim/fiancee begins to see the truth about him, she will have the benefit of the things you told her. It may help her with the cognitive dissonance she will likely be experiencing, and may help her get out and recover sooner. She will have you on her side helping her to think clearly and resist his brainwashing, gaslighting, and hypnotizing; even though she doesn’t see you in a realistic way yet.


Annette: sometimes i think maybe she doesn’t want to know the truth, doesn’t care, or she refuses to believe he is anything but the love of her life. I don’t know how she’s been with him for 2 years and hasn’t felt or suspected anything unless she has and he lied his way out of it. If someone gave me the name of an online dating site and a screen name and told me it was my fiancé i’d check it out wouldn’t you?
I got tired of the lies and i felt like i was having a nervous breakdown. So The last time i talked to him i called him a lying ass, a game player, and a con artist and he had no problem discarding me again because i see what he really is. I don’t plan to feed the animal again… No contact is very important im learning the hard way.



Thanks for sharing your thoughts. It sounds like you are thinking clearly. By having no contact, you are doing the best thing to protect yourself from further damage by the spath, and to accelerate your recovery.

The reasons you surmise his current victim is still interacting with him, are probably right. He is lying to her because that’s what spaths do – they lie in order to manipulate. She may have seen ‘red flags’ and be in denial. Due to her background, she may not know what a healthy relationship is so that she doubts herself. There are so many factors that go into the mix of psychopathic manipulation and abuse.
Due to circumstances and other factors, my ex psychopath successfully deceived me into agreeing to marry him. There were red flags that I didn’t recognize at the time, and my intuition told me something was wrong, but the cognitive dissonance was so great I blamed myself for my doubts. My ex psychopath is a very very good manipulator and a very good liar, so that he still has most of the church we attended believing his lies about me and about his first ex wife.

It sounds like you’ve done all that you can to warn the current victim, and I think that what you said will help her in the future, even if she’s not at that point now.

It’s a tragedy that you were victimized, but it’s a great blessing that you had the resources and clear thinking to get out relatively soon.


Could you tell me which book that is, please? The one where they need ‘fuel’? Fallon? Vaknin? Or someone else? I’ve just about come out of the obsessional thinking phase (touch wood) and am trying to figure out what the heck’s going on.


Due to my professional background I am use to recording and keeping files. One thing helps me remember who my SP boyfriend truly is reading through old text messages and chat sessions between him and I.
It’s funny how in one sentence he claims he loves me and just me and noone else but me…two text messages later he is call me a C_ _ _ _,
B _ _ _ _, and fake ass whore. I remember when he first started calling me these names it hurt my feelings. After hearing them over and over I became accustomed to it. I didn’t allow his words to hurt me because I am none of those things. Reading between the lines of his messages just tells me he is fake and heartless.
I once loved him and it hurts me that I was suckered. However, he is the sucker now because my love has faded away and the poor soul will never know what real love is. I do not have any sympathy for the being
( I refuse to call him a MAN the only real man I will ever know is my DAD r.i.p.) he will get what he reaps.
No contact and getting stronger one day at a time. Have a blessed day.


You loved the fake person he presented himself to be. You are a good person and capable of love, and you take that attribute with you when you leave him. You can give your love to someone who deserves it and who appreciates you and loves you.


I can’t believe I have been no contact/contact for over 6 years. Six years! How many times does it take getting burned before I learn.

I don’t see him any more, but still get the occasional text…crumbs. I recently saw him at an event and politely said hello and was delighted to see that he had gained weight and looked quite unruly.

As we all do with these types, I feel really hard for him. He was exciting, unpredictable, handsome and sexual. But he was also without empathy, a liar, a womanizer, a drinker, a porn addict, thousands of masks, and hurtful to so many women.

And I still sometimes get the urge to contact him. And yes, I am still friends with him on fb. And it still makes me sick when I see that he continues to abuse unknowing women.

Yet, I haven’t physically been with him for almost a year. And I rarely see him publically, and don’t get as many crumbs. So I am making strides.

I am an intelligent woman and it still totally amazes me that this man had the power that he did over me. Unbelievable.


It’s okay for you to feel the way you do. Keep in mind he is heartless and is not capable of loving you are anyone. If it helps the next time you see him try and see thru his fake charm and see him for what he really is… a manipulator has to trap a person to love him and when that person loves him unconditionally he uses and abuses. Remember all the times he said “I love you”, then think about all the times he showed you he loved you. I am sure you can’t recall to many times he actually showed you. Try and think about your sex life with this man, was it satisfying for you or was it satisfying for him. Think about all the times he pretended to be Mr. Nice guy in front of a crowd and behind close doors he put you down and degraded you. A sociopath only cares about themselves he/she wants power and will play any game to win.
You have to give “love” to receive love. Something sociopaths are not capable of doing.
Thank God for Lovefraud and all the information on the internet, without it I would be a basket case. Standing back up after the fall is what I am doing.
Take Care


It’s good that you’ve avoided being in his physical presence. You have probably experienced significant improvement in your life and how you feel. You might consider having no contact with him at all, including FB and other cyber contact. It may complete your recovery and you may find yourself feeling even better. It may be very difficult at first, but it could be the key to freeing yourself completely from him.

I am a professional, intelligent, somewhat ‘street wise,’ and was widowed 10 years prior from a marriage to a very good man. I never would have believed that someone so pathetic, evil, vile, abusive, perverse, etc. could have gotten my attention much less the power he had over me. My son said I was a “puppet on a string” to the psychopath. In retrospect, my ex spath used hypnotic techniques to literally cast a spell on me. It took a relatively long time to come to my senses and cost me a lot of physical, spiritual, emotional, financial, damage to me and my minor son.


thank you everyone for being so open. I have gained more knowledge and strength and hope in the last few days on this website and especially this articles thread that has helped me so much. I feel very strong and know I’m doing the right thing! Thank you!!!


Annette: funny how they can attend church like they are not really the evil sociopaths that they are. That really bothers me. I even felt like God was punishing me and blessing the sociopath because he’s getting married. I’ve never been married and want to one day. This is the sociopaths 3rd marriage and I often wonder why?


I met my ex psychopath in church. They use Christianity as a cover and a prop to manipulate others into thinking they are good kind altruistic people.
I believe that this is Satan’s world for now (1 Corinthians 4:4), and God allows Christians to be tested, but not beyond what we can successfully overcome (1 Corinthians 10:13).

God advises us to discern others by their fruits (Matthew 7:16). Having 2 failed marriages is not evidence of good fruits of one’s life.

In my experience, spaths just fake marriage – they don’t appreciate the institution, they don’t care about the well being of their spouse; they just use marriage to manipulate people, for impressions management and to exploit their spouse for things they want.

You made a good decision not to waste any more time with your ex spath; you will likely marry someone who appreciates you, and who is honest and has good character.

Hope Springs

Because the spaths make it happen, not God.


Bev: You’re right.They make it happen by manipulation and it really is out of God’s control. With all the mental anguish he put me through though I would often wonder if God was punishing me but the way a sociopath behaves is not God’s work at all.


Another view is that God allows things to happen for His overall eternal purpose, even when He has the power to intervene.

Hope Springs

Cheers 🙂


Annette: Another good point you have made in that God allows certain things to happen even when its in his power to intervene. Thanks. I know I need to do a lot more reading bout these spaths. I had cognitive dissonance a few weeks ago which is why I broke no contact because I was just hoping he wasn’t a spath but he really is!!!! I will never break NC again!!!!


Annette: Thanks for that information. It has given me something to think about. I do know (after all the snooping I did after finding out about the current fiancé’) that his last marriage was from 1998-2011 During that time in 2004 he had a child with another woman. I remember when I was with him I asked him what happened with this marriage and he said oh she didn’t like me being gone all the time (he was a truck driver), she cheated on me and we just grew apart. I also checked out this woman’s Facebook page recently and she does not give herself off as a loose woman or a cheater. No pics with different guys. Now since I was so “googly eyed” over him at the time I believed what he said about her. BUT now I see what he said was all a lie. I don’t believe she cheated on him but we see he cheated on her by the 2004 child he made with someone else. Also she married another truck driver last year so obviously she has no problem with someone being gone all the time. The posts she made on Facebook during the end of that marriage were pitiful she posted things like “why are things the way they are.I thought marriage was supposed to last forever” “the only good thing out of 12 years is my daughter” doesn’t that sound like a hurt woman vs a woman who cheated? I honestly think he left her for another woman (he lived with another woman while he was separated from his wife who was carrying his child!!!) and that woman he lived with well he left her for the current fiance’ and he was seeing me and god knows who else during his time with the current fiancé…sound s like a messy life huh? I’m dizzy just typing.


It sounds like you have a clear picture of who he is now. It’s wrong and harmful what he did to you and his other victims. You’re a good person who probably sincerely loved the man he said he was, which was a lie. No one deserves to be abused in that way. It is what evil is.


Totally agree. It is important.


I found when I was attracted to disordered men, there were other issues I had and self-limiting beliefs that kept me entangled. The biggest one was about money. I believed I would always be poor and would have to depend on a man for survival. So I allowed negativity and drama to poison my life in order to have some financial security. I don’t know how much of a dent I have put in the poverty issue. But one thing I have learned is that there is no amount of money worth having my energy drained. Many of the compromises and sacrifices I made in the past were due to self-limiting beliefs about what I was worth and what I deserved. I bring this up because if you are having trouble maintaining no contact with a sociopath, you might see if you have any self-limiting beliefs that keep you attached even when you start to break free. A recent ex would try to manipulate me by telling me we were both older and had limited chances of finding another partner (meaning we should continue to stay in the toxic relationship). Fortunately for me, I don’t feel any sort of desperation to have a man in my life, and I don’t care if one appears or not. So the manipulation did not work.


No contact/no emotion is important.


This has been extremely helpful to me. She says there are 2 ways to get rid of a spath- show no emotion to them so they no longer enjoy getting a reaction from you or become so depressed you can feel no emotion and will be discarded. I’ll take number 1. Thank you O. N. Ward for this very helpful insight.


The spath and friends found a new way to be abusive. O.N. Ward warns about this.


I took some action to make sure this doesn’t happen again.


Ward talks about NO CONTACT/NO EMOTION. The no emotion is important.


As O.N. Ward says there will be sneaky attempts to break no contact. The nutcase spath was outside my door talking to a mutual friend. I will stop that.


The nutcase spaths keep finding ways for contact. Sad they have nothing productive to do.


You will be tested both brutal and sneaky.


This is still true.


NO CONTACT/NO EMOTION is how to go. Donna you can now post on this article.


Even though this makes perfect sense it is almost impossible to go “no contact” when a child is involved. Especially when that child is being triangulated into the conflict and the Ex has formed a coalition with the child against me. I am continually getting “tested” and they (Ex and 12 yr old child) are both involved.



So sorry that your child is being used in this way against you. If you search,there are many posts and articles about spaths using their children as pawns against the other parent. It is a common abusive technique. The greyrock technique may be helpful when it’s not possible for a victim to go completely no contact.


In the Narc Decoder she says to be calm and businesslike if you must deal with a N.


I went no contact and was tested.


This is wonderful advice.


I had brief contact with the psycho but quickly ended it. Any contact gets easier each time.


The psycho walked by. He works in the area. It is amazing how really disordered they are!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Yes, very true.


NO EMOTION is the way.


Fantastic post.


Still working toward no contact.


going no contact/no emotion is best.


this is very true.


this is very true indeed.


It has been 3 months no contact today, and I am struggling so much, I have been having flashbacks and keep seeing his face and hearing all the bad things he used to say and all the abuse, yet I long for him today, I wanted to unblock him but I know I CANT…. I think I am progressing because I still haven’t unblocked him, it’s like a constant struggle everyday some days are better than others, today is a bad one, sometimes I feel as thought the pain is too much and I’m not going to make it, but that would be the ultimate prize for him he is a very sick, twisted, sadist psychopath, plus he would be justified in saying I was the crazy one!
He would be so happy right now if he knew how bad I was suffering he would actually get off on it..
I hope I can save at least one person to get out before this psychological damage as I have happens.
I wish I would have got out of it in the beginning when my gut told me he’s definitely not right but I thought I could fix him, it would be him and I, if he realized how much I loved him everything would be ok, but it can’t be, I have a lot of guilt I did start to doubt myself I thought maybe it is me, but it was him he’s he one with the personality disorder and I just got sucked into his craziness, I know all this that’s why it so hard to take those feelings of missing him although everything says “it’s normal” it doesn’t feel normal and I am my worst enemy because I get mad at myself that I could ever have these feelings of missing him and wanting him God I get so sick, is this ever going to end????


Congrats on 3 months. it will get better!!


Thank u Sunnygal… it’s been crazy last Tuesday to the day it was 3 months no contact, I felt miserable I wanted to talk or see him, I never contact him first yet I respond normally I even thought about unblocking him… well I didn’t and I was very proud of myself, so Wednesday I’m at work and checked my email HE had emailed me Tuesday night it was so weird thank GOD I didn’t see it or I would have broke, I didint even know he had my email, out of 3 years he never once emailed me!!!! Then Wednesday he emailed me again and FaceTimed me at night well I have not responded and I’m so proud of myself, he is freaking out because this is the first time I haven’t responded by now!!! You know it does feel good to have the power for once and it also feels good to know he came to me again thinking I would just let him into my life and I didn’t! And he can’t figure out where my head is at that’s why I think he’s just not showing up at my house, I do think it was premeditated you can’t tell me that was just a coincidence, God or the universe saved me on Tuesday night it’s the weirdest thing.,. Yesterday I felt a little as though I was slipping but I didn’t I haven’t heard from him today, hopefully he will just say forget her and move on but my gut tells me different, I can’t let him in my life anymore I can’t my soul and sanity are at stake!!!!!


distarr keep up the good work!!!


Distarr, the only way out is through. Take some time to be alone and quiet and invite the pain to wash over you and just feel it. It’s kind of like an addiction. The pain compels you to want to reach out for the person who discarded you. But if, instead of reaching out, you just withstand it, it will come up and take you over for a while. Then, like a nasty thunderstorm, it will move on. In the process, you may need to scream, hit pillows, and cry, or any one of those things. Sometimes, you just need to direct your attention to the place in your body where you feel it the strongest. Give that place some love and attention because it is a part of you, too. It may take a little time, but please be kind to yourself. If I have learned anything in my nearly 58 years, it is to simply accept and be kind to myself.


Hi Stargazer..

Thank you for your reply, if you have time read my response to the last response to me it is so crazy!!!! I’m glad for the moment I am in a good place and haven’t responded to him it was so shocking seeing his name in my email like I said I had no idea he even had my email!! God or the universe is trying to save me for not looking Tuesday night at my email it was so strange because I always check it why I didn’t still amazes me but I was blocked by something not to read it until I was strong enough!! Please send me good vibes and strength I will need it because even as I hope he will just leave me alone I highly doubt it, I think he’s losing it to be honest and the only reason he’s not at my door is because hes trying to figure out where my head is at and he thinks I have neighbors now that’s the one things that are saving me!


I was thinking about the word I just used in the last post – “withstand”. It means to “stand with”. If you can just stand with your pain, you will eventually have some mastery over it. There is a book a therapist once recommended for me. I admit that I still have not read it. It’s called “Lean In”. She described to me that the book is about “leaning into” whatever is going on in your life rather than trying to resist it. I think of that concept often when I am going through something difficult and trying to resist or control the situation.


Great post and a must.


So true and well said.


Hello Donna, and all my fellow survivors, Im here to post an update on the Spath. THIS IS FANTASTIC NEWS, it’s all closing in around him now. Backstory since it’s been several years….I was married to a spath for 28 years, we have 1 (now adult) child together. 16 Criminal and Civil extended orders of protection and one divorce later…. I was successful in protecting my child, my business AND assets etc….I went NO CONTACT immediately. I’ve fought like hell, made smart moves, exposed his behaviors in court and came out successful! He’s NEVER stopped contacting me, I still get phone messages regularly from him. He remarried and had a child, who is now 5. He lives in the tropics. HIs new wife contacted me 2 months after him rushing her to the alter, asking me “Please tell me who I married”?? I wasn’t sure he hadn’t put her up to it, so my response was “When you choose to remove the rose colored glasses, the red flags will shine through like fireworks-Good luck to you”. I decided after he remarried, that she needed to initially get to the point of ‘getting it’, before I offered help. His calls continued…..(12 YEARS)!!! One day I received 6 calls and was fed the hell up! I made a decision to ‘expose him’. He still spoke horribly of me to everyone…..and I decided to let the new wife and my parents (who, to this day have been relentless at trying to control me through the spath, and STILL have a relationship with him) I decided that everytime he called me……I was going to call the wife. That day I also called my parents with the goal of speaking so vial, using the ‘F’ word continuously and telling my father what a fu7c9ing idiot he was, continuously, ONLY to upset them…..(I knew it would) and I played a few of his recent messages to me from SPath, for them…..(I Love you, I miss you blah blah, blah) Keeping in mind that he had portrayed me as mentally Ill and faking cancer to alienate me, as I was VERY sick and battling him in divorce. THey were blown away that he ever called me….I told them….MAKE IT FU&*CKING STOP!!! I knew they would hang up the phone with me and call him immediately to question him about the calls….he would be exposed, and his calls would stop. (Now,the wife knew and my parents knew) It went down exactly as I hoped….and my phone was silent for 8 months!!! GLORY!!! Then he reappeared. About a year and a half ago, I was sent a video of spath attacking new wife’s teenage daughter. Horrible, vial…..and ALL ON VIDEO! (gotta love the kids these days!) 🙂 Wife/daughter filed for a restraining order and Spath filed for divorce. SPath hasn’t worked since he left me, 12 years ago. His goal was to find someone willing to support his lazy, drug dealing ars! He found her. Fast forward. The ‘baby-4’ went to the therapist and his school…..and told both that “My Daddy put a balloon in my butt and it hurt real bad” “My daddy is mean” ‘My daddy is disgusting” he was also seen pulling the tail off a lizard and putting in the child butt and laughing as the freshly pulled off tail wiggled around. The witness’s were disgusted with those actions. SPath thought it was hilarious. CPS get’s called and the case is opened. Then the wife’s daughter speaks up…..He had been drugging and raping her when she was 14 ish. Detectives did their job…..and it’s now in the hands of the DA. Cops recommended 10 counts of 5 FELONY Sexual abuse, terroristic threats against a child etc… CHARGES! If convicted (and we know how slippery Spaths are) he’s looking at 25 to Life on some of the pending charges. He’s also violated and been arrested for 13 Restraining order violations against the new wife. The trial for 4 violations is next week. The violations won’t get much jail time at all, but they’ve got several more cases to charge against, that are coming down the pike….SOON. The DA’s goal on the violations is to get a conviction…..and tie him up with Probation for 2 years each violation…..and they know he will violate probation….and those violations will be classified as felonies! IF HE”S NOT incarcerated already for the Rape and sexual abuse felonies. They don’t want him there in the tropics, they completely ‘get it’, and have been amazingly communicative and responsive. They witnessed his crazy outbursts and posturing during his arraignment They brought several attorneys and advocates to that hearing to watch his described behaviors, based on what I had said….and they were not disappointed. I can’t praise this office enough. THEY GET IT!!! Rare! The other glory to this is he agreed to have their divorce judge preside over the violation hearings/trial. DUMB MOVE!!! LOL! In the beginning of their divorce the judge gave him ‘chances’….he construed that as she liked him, he thinks he’s got her charmed and bedazzled. So now….the same judge who must preside over custody will hear about the numerous TRO violations….and hopefully the Felony criminal charges will come soon. As soon as he’s charged withe the felony, the DA said they will put out a press release asking for further victims. I will MAKE SURE that goes viral in all the /areas/states he’s traveled/stayed in….because I know there are more victims. (I contacted the FBI about 2, back in ‘my day’. When he left me, he would target women or old HS friends that had young teen daughters. I know there are more victims. Since my time…..of alienation….his whole family, and his childhood besties and many others,have all reached out to me. We are NOW, all speaking, sharing stories and putting the rest of the puzzle pieces together in order to protect the new wife and her children. I have been coaching the wife for over a year…..and she’s come so very far. She’s working her case, and cause. About 10 months ago, I got up and went to the kitchen for a drink. I had a memory that stopped me dead in my tracks…..I remembered when I was about 17, him coming over to my parents house unannounced. (we were broken up at the time). He handed me a large envelope, I opened it and he said he got married/or was getting married. It was a certificate with a shiney emblem on it. I took a lighter and burned it in my parents driveway. (yeah, I guess that’s what immaturity brings!) :). But I’m suspecting that he got married to a hispanic housecleaner. He said it was to get her citizenship. I know spath, I’ve studied him for years…..and IF he indeed did marry her…..he would have NEVER bothered to divorce her. Too lazy. I did all the clerical work in our relationship. He’s ignorant and illiterate. He couldn’t have maneuvered the process at that age. NO WAY! I also know that he wouldn’t have gone to the courthouse to get a license, and gone home to let the housekeeper what…. find a dress, plan a pretty wedding and get her parents here from Mexico. Nope. WHY? It was a marriage of convenience. IF he took her to the courthouse, he would have gotten a confidential marriage license, gone next door and said “I DO” right then and there…..a confidential license back them was to avoid the blood test. We’ve hired an attorney to file to unseal all of his records in that county. I am optimistic we will find what we need…..rendering her marriage illegal, (mine too!)him a bigamist and it’ll cut him off from ALL $$$ he is legally entitled to with a 50/50 asset split in his current marriage. NO MARRIAGE-NO MONEY arshat! I have a vision of this going down….he will NOT remember telling me about this housekeeper situation, back in the day…..and he will be freakin blindsided!!! That takes care of her divorce-boom-annulment and nothing for spath! The custody should be taken care of when the Felony, criminal charges are filed…..(he currently has 1 hr. full sup. visitation weekly). Then it’ll free him up to fight the good fight in his own criminal proceedings. LOL! The Da is also looking into his finances…..still claiming -0- income/assets etc…. But curios why he needs a public defender for his criminal cases and just paid 20K to his new divorce attorney. HE also seems to have no problem self posting CASH bail. THey are asking questions!!! During my time and beyond LoveFraud, I was adamant he had cash stashed in paint cans buried in our yard. Cash from years of his covert drug sales….and guess what folks….that has ALL been confirmed now, by all the folks he hid $$ with, spread out, watered down….and also that he always buried paint cans of cash in the yard, and still does it. Again, my suspicions were confirmed! Others have SEEN the cash. I ‘may’ have let the DA know about this, so when they search his house…..bummer for him if he can’t launder $$ by buying attorneys through others ‘loaning’ him money for them etc…. We’ll see how this all turns out. I told the new wife, i’m all in, I will see this to the end for her and her children. I will offer up my millions of documents, work with her attorney for strategy and be 100% available to the authorities. What a gift it will be… be present in the tropics with many of his people and family from his past who he’s alienated himself from by his abuse…..and all of us together at his trial!!! Along with his adult son, who’s not had contact with him since he was 14….and is now 26….and changed his name legally prior to getting married, because he wanted his beautiful bride to not have to carry Spaths name. I actually, never legally changed mine because it bugs spath to NO END that I go by his name. That’ll change as soon as he’s finally caught! Changing my name will be that gift I give myself- when this is finally….ALL OVER.
And in regards to my parents…..the shit is hitting them too currently…..THey are being confronted by other family members and cut off because of their continued affiliation with Spath and their lying about it…..I exposed them, and sat back and just watched their inability to control me through others…..and it backfired BIG TIME!
It’s been a lot of years. This hasn’t consumed me in recent years, it was ‘sport’, I have a great son and DIL, I have a fantastic 4 year relationship with a man who adores me, we have fun, he respects and honors me and celebrates my quirky, silly style – and celebrates me. I rebuilt my business and am enjoying great success and freedom. Life is good……I have one more order of business to see to, and knowing spath is incarcerated and can’t hurt another person will be the Icing on the cake….and the time I step aside and let go.
Keep the fight up, be smart, buckle down and GETERDONE my fellow Spath Warriors.
LoveFraud was an amazing place for me to learn and get support! Thank you Donna you are doing good work!!!
XXOO ErinBrock


good for you!!

Wow – ErinBrock – we haven’t seen you in years – what a story! I’m glad he is getting what he deserves. If there’s a press release, keep us posted!


Thanks Donna, I certainly will. I love how LF has grown and where you are taking it. Power on warriors…..keep up the good fight!

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