Healing from a relationship with a sociopath is hard, often brutally hard. Don’t add to that by being hard on yourself if your own path is filled with dark days and setbacks–even setbacks you may have caused by diverting from a path of “no contact.” We are human. We are imperfect. Seek support from those who understand and will not judge. It’s okay. All we can ever do in life is to move forward.
No Contact/No Emotion
Yet, as soon as possible, no contact with a sociopath is important. If no contact isn’t possible for legal, custody or other reasons, keeping the contact minimal and totally devoid of emotion is critical.
Why? Because sociopaths feed on emotion. I just finished reading a book published by a self-proclaimed sociopath, and he described it as needing “fuel.” Just as we all need oxygen to breathe, food to eat, and shelter to keep us at a comfortable temperature, sociopaths need to trigger emotions in others because sociopaths are fueled by controlling others. Your emotion (just knowing you will react emotionally even if the sociopath cannot witness it) is evidence of that control. They are truly emotional vampires.
Our Emotion is Like a Drug to The Sociopath—It Fuels Them
That’s one of the reasons sociopaths strive for continued contact with former victims. Just as the sociopath is like a drug to you (you know the relationship is toxic, yet you crave it anyway), the fuel your emotional reaction provides for the sociopath (positive or negative) is like a drug to the sociopath. To get it, they need people in their lives–they need you. At first, during the love-bombing stage, the emotion they created in you is positive and that’s fuel for them, too. But as your feelings naturally evolve from giddy, over-the-moon being in love to more mature love, it’s not enough to keep the sociopath fueled. At this stage, they purposely trigger negative emotions and ruminations in you to create the fuel they crave.
Yes, They are Setting You Up
Why was he so nasty to me this morning? Was she really flirting with my best friend? Was I really being inconsiderate by going out with friends after work? And so it goes. Their subtle and sometimes not so subtle behavior triggers a reaction in you. That reaction fuels them, as it is testament to their power and control.
Will the sociopath ever admit to doing this. Heck no, because if you realize you are no more than a puppet to them, then you might leave and the puppet master would be without his/her primary source of fuel, fun, and satisfaction. Why ruin a good thing? To keep the game going, there has to be “deniability” and they put the onus on you–you really are too sensitive, you didn’t understand, you can’t take a joke, you really were flirting, etc. See where this is going? In the end the only conclusion is that you really are a horrible, incompetent, neurotic, fill-in-the-blank, person.
Please Don’t Feed the Animals!
If you live in the country, you’ve probably learned not to put food out for wild animals, because they’ll just keep coming back for more. A sociopath is the same way. Provide him or her with fuel, and the sociopath will keep coming back for more. For your health and sanity, you cannot feed their hunger for your emotional reaction. Just like a wild raccoon that once found a tasty tidbit in your backyard, a sociopath will keep revisiting a potential fuel source. Again, please don’t feed the animals. You want them to stop coming around. They are dangerous—they bite and carry diseases.
Don’t Make the Sociopath Addicted to Your Emotional Pain.
As discussed in my post last week and in my book, intermittent reinforcement (i.e., random acts) of love and attention by the sociopath is part of what makes you “addicted” to the relationship with the sociopath. I’m guessing that probably works in reverse.
If we are inconsistent–contact, no contact”¦. contact, no contact, no contact, contact etc.–with the sociopath, aren’t we training the sociopath to be addicted to us as a source of something that fuels them–emotional pain? You don’t want this.
Perhaps I’m over simplifying it, but there may be the only two ways out once a sociopath considers you a great source of fuel for them. Either:
- you go “no contact/no emotion,” knowing you will be tested, and the tests will be both brutal frontal attacks as well as sneaky Trojan-horse attempts, and you endure without reacting until the sociopath is convinced there is no more fuel/emotion to be extracted from you, or
- The sociopath drains you so profoundly that you become so depressed that you are no longer capable of emotion. At that point you are discarded, as you are no longer a useful source of fuel to the sociopath.
Neither road is easy, but if those are really your only two choices isn’t the first option a whole lot better? I don’t mean to be harsh, but perhaps framing it this way will help us stay on the no contact/no emotion path no matter what.
My own sad tale of unwittingly investing almost twenty years of my life into a relationship with a sociopath and sometimes diverting from the best path, is chronicled in my book Husband, Liar, Sociopath: How He Lied, Why I Fell For It & The Painful Lessons Learned (available via Amazon.com). It is a cautionary tale of how much one’s life can be train wrecked and one’s soul can be depleted. As I don’t get a “do over,” hopefully some of my painful lessons can help others impacted by these masked vultures.
Identifying names, places, events, characteristics, etc. that I discuss here and in my book have been altered to protect the identity of everyone involved.
Q&A with Amber Ault, PhD, MSW – clinical social worker specializing in personality disorders
This is so true.
I have had to go complete no contact with my SP son.
He has tried to set me up since, texting my husband on New Years, saying that he was in our town, and asking if we would like to meet him and his ‘new’ girlfriend for lunch. (They had come to our town and slept over at some New Year’s eve party). I had already informed my son and my husband that I would NOT be meeting any more ‘girls’ in my son’s life. He is currently separated and going through a messy custody battle with his ex. I will not be a parental ‘cover’ for him nor sanction any more of his behavior, which I would be doing had I gone to this lunch date. Therefor, I cannot and will not engage in any of his new relationships nor will I have any more contact with him. He is trying to triangulate all of us, as I am in my ex daughter in law’s ‘corner’, so to speak.
Anyway, I did not go to meet my son nor his new so called girlfriend…poor girl. I am out of his life…COMPLETELY. My husband could not say no to his own son, and went. When he came home, I told him that I did not want to know anything. He hasn’t told me anything, either. He knows that I am committed to no contact. Hopefully, my husband will follow suit.
Great post…and a MUST!
What do you do when its your stepson, and your husband won’t “give up on his son?” Especially when the son is 19, cuts himself for attention, and just got expelled from school for bringing razor blades through the metal detector.
He came to live with us when he was 13. His mother could not deal with him any longer. In the last 5 years, he has successfully duoed 3 residential treatment facilities, countless therapists, and us.
My son who has autism is 13. I fear that my stepson’s behavior and lack of emotion toward the people around him will confuse and be a detriment to my son.
Should I leave?
Thank you for the fantastic post O.N.Ward,
I didn’t realize until I read your post that I was doing the ‘don’t feed the spath’ choice, it was a few months after the realization of what my X was before I was able to go no contact. At the time I thought I was being spiteful and stubborn, basically coping him with showing no emotion, not reacting to anything other than ok etc, not returning calls & text’s, no interest in him or what he was doing or saying, being busy all the time…Boy! did he not like that at all!! lol he tried the wooing thing again…same response. After no contact for 2 days from me, he sent me a FB message saying this is working for him any more (Awww poor baby didn’t like being treated like he treated me)I called him to come & talk & he tried so hard to take it back & say he only did it to get my attention..But I held strong, broke it off & kicked him out, gave him a mouthful of what I thought of him & went No Contact.
Thank you again for this article O.N.Ward, Was a real validation for me, looking forward to getting your book
Blessings & peace
Dragon
Yes, thanks for the great advice.
Bev and Dragon,
Good news that you both are into no contact/detached from the fogger. We can spend a life time, and some of us do, doing their bidding, cleaning up their destruction, consoling their other victims, being their slaves.
Great post, I always need continual reassurance regarding no contact. In the past I was the perfect fuel source. Hanging on his every word and emotion and reacting accordingly. Slowly, I cut him off, first came the information about me, my thoughts, my goals and then came the emotional tourniquet. I have intermittent contact, especially documenting his lack of complying with court orders, but this is always by email and always devoid of emotion. Essentially, I haven’t had any “real/emotional” contact with him for nearly half of a year and I haven’t seen him in nearly that long outside of seeing him in court. This has been a strange journey indeed. As I type this I am again reminded, as I am every minute of everyday, how awful and destructive he is. Enticing my children to live with him, where they were begging me to go live with him (children I raised nearly alone since the day they were born). I let them go. He enticed them not because he wanted the children but to “punish” me, and create more unhappiness in my home if I didn’t let them go, it was a win/win for him. I am coming to accept my family and its division as the price one pays for marrying a psychopath. I will be stripped of everything meaningful. I will have to create new meaning in my life moving forward, while trying to cope with the past. But the upside is, I’m beginning to understand what was always going to happen if I left him now, then, before, it didn’t matter the destruction would be the same, I just think now I can see and accept it for what it is. The alternative to stay married to him, be his slave and whipping post and use my children as inroads for years to come. I now am strong enough to weather the storm, when in years past I don’t think I was. No contact=No abuse
You are a rare gem, becomingstrong. Every time I read one of your posts, you inspire me to stay the course…to stay strong.
You are in a hard position indeed…you are alienated from your own children. The most incredibly difficult thing that anyone could ever do. I feel so akin to you. I have had to alienate or cut off contact with my own son as well…only he IS the SP.
What makes this so difficult is living in the world, while having no contact with our own children. Try explaining THAT to the mainstream!! I cannot even begin to try to.
Thank you again for your encouraging posts. You nay not be aware of how helpful you are to many. A zillion thanks yous.
🙂
Alienated from our children by NECESSITY…I meant to add.
How many people could even begin to understand that?
Every time a little bit of doubt begins to creep in, I think about how different my children are now that the SP is out of our lives. No pity party from me, because having my children free is worth it. Even the children have realized how beneficial No Contact is.
Dear Bev and all,
Thank you for your encouragement. I’m in continual search for those souls who can understand what “mainstream” cannot. I realized that he took for me only those things which he was able to take, which were never mine to begin with-my children. My children left freely, skipping off as though they were not leaving their mother’s bosom. I was in awe as I watched it. I am in awe today as I hear nothing from them. And then I remember my own mother. My mother, from whom you could not tear me. A mother who I could never ever walk away from. A mother I would run away to be with if take me away from her. A mother who I adore to this day though she’s been dead for many years. But my mother gave me something, a very precious gift for when I am lost and I cannot find my way. She gave me an internal compass. Though this compass has been battered and beaten now works again and its says Due North. My children left because they were promised Neverland. I am glad to know where I stood with them. They freed me. They freed me of living a lie. There is no middle road with these types. It’s all or nothing and usually it the choice between two negatives. In my case, he thinks I lost and that he hurt me irreparably. He has hurt me but not irreparably. And during the mending I will put on my mask. He will not ever see my tears, frustration, happiness, anger, elation…, he will only see the mask of stoicisim-I can wear masks too. The difference between his mask and my mask is I only have to wear mine in front of him. Thank you all
On…my…I am crying as I read this post.
Perhaps what makes me the saddest in all of this, is the relationship that I have with my own mother. I only wish I could have the same relationship with my own son. I know that I cannot.
My mother is my everything. She is a rock. She is all loving. She is not judgmental. She was and is caring and accepting of me. Always. And, yes, she also gave me my internal compass.
Because of her, I can recognize unhealthiness.
Thank you Mom. I love you.
By the way…I can understand what many cannot.
I am there.
becomingstrong, you must stay the course! Their children are their favorite “puppets” that they use to control, manipulate and hurt you. When I left my ex he used my daughter as a pawn to get me to come back to him. He kept me from contacting her by taking control of all forms of communication. Realizing that I’d “sleep with Satan” for my kids that’s exactly what I did. I came back to the devil.
I discovered that in my absence my ex was telling my daughter horrible things about me. The worst was that SHE was the cause of my leaving and not HIM! I also found out that he had begun treating her exactly like he had treated me and that she was becoming increasingly depressed. Who could blame her. He’s demonic. I have three children and two are grown and on their own. Although the psycho ex is out of my life he continues to use the oldest (ironically, the abused one – the other two were flauntingly adored by the ex – triangulation / divide and conquer) to do his evil bidding. I pray for him. I have my daughter back and, now that the psycho is gone, I know in my heart I will one day have them all come back to me. They’re all much smarter than “Forrest Gump” and they know in their hearts “what love is.” It’s what they’ve always gotten, pure unconditional love, from their Mom. I’m praying for you, sweetheart. Stay strong! God bless you.
Rosie,
I don’t know how I missed your comment when I posted before but I went back and saw it. Thank you for your story and encouragement. They do use their children. Like you, all forms of communication are monitored and they are not allowed to call and I must do all the calling. At first I called to find myself on speaker phone with him in the room. The conversations sounded forced, insincere and stilted. I said no more. I’m not going to have a fake relationship with my children. Interesting that your daughter joined in the abuse. I have a child, who he has groomed to be his “underling” “pro gee”. This child had his marching orders to be abusive. This child was one of the children who went to live with him. There was certainly triangulation going on. I nixed that. Then he worked on the second child. This child became horrible to me over a very short period of time. You could see the resentment in her eyes, though far from puberty. Even my babysitter commented on the change in her. She also opted to go live with him, long before any game playing began. I am open to having my children back and in my life but they first must be done with him. Sorry to say, that is how is has to be, or I’ll go right back to square A with children who are is inroads to further abuse me. Like you I had the choice be married to him or have my children. I no longer hope, I feel that can be a misleading sentiment used to keep us from facing reality, but I will always love my children. I am open to having a relationship with those who are willing to choose love and respect over things and abuse. Those types can damage what is a natural relationship mother/daughter mother/son. They can make you look at your children and wonder what you gave birth to. Unfortunately, I see my son having many character similarities, or lack thereof, as my husband.
If you don’t mind me asking how did the reconciling with your daughter happen?
Rosie,
If you don’t mind me asking I’m wondering, how old was your daughter when you left your husband the first time (?)? How long were you done? How old was she when you left for good? How old was she when you reconciled and how much contact did you have during the interim?
Thank you
Bev,
Your son, is not a reflection of you or your values. He is a reflection of himself. They leave us wondering “why us”. Your mother instilled a device in your brain and in your heart that said you are a person worthy of being treating humanly and lovingly and respectfully As these abusers enter our lives through, birth, marriage, friendship and the like, they bank on societal pressures to keep us in place. A society, which acknowledges next to nothing on these sociopaths. Many of these rules are meant to keep the abused “hemmed in” and the abuser free. The rules never apply to the abuser only to the abused. We become slaves with no where to turn because we are “shirking” the rules they said we have to live by. We were willing to live by the rules. We wanted to live by the rules. They didn’t. The only rule we have to live by is the Golden Rule. Once the Golden Rule is broken we get our get out of jail card (which is what these rules become when you live under abuse-a prison). And we need to take it. Maybe we are here to acknowledge to ourselves and others that these roles, rules, shackles that keep us hemmed in to abuse should and must be broken.
Thank you Bev for being here for me in my time of need.
I keep asking myself what happened to that strong, independent, beautiful person I once was? After Day 2 of “no contact” he managed to to send me a SMS through somebody’s else’s Messenger log on. As we all know a POP UP appears and before I realized it was him I opened it. Once opened I fell right back in the trap of texting.
Of course, he is turning the situation around and blaming me. He continues to accuse me of seeing other men and stating how important they must be to me. And when he finally ends the text he proclaims his love for me and how he would really love to see me so we can talk. He loves me more than he has ever loved anyone in the world.
BULLCRAP! I have heard it all before. I failed at my ” no contact”. I think part of my unsuccessfulness is due to me being here alone with only my two dogs. I find myself thinking of him. I believed him that he loved me. How can someone “pretend” as good as he did? I am hurt and disappointed in myself for allowing this man to manipulate me. I have tears flowing constantly. I think it’s time for a mini-vacation. My best friend lives five states away she wants me there with her. I just don’t know how much good that will do. I guess it will at least prevent me from being alone. I will continue to read Lovefraud and all materials that I can in order to overcome this man. Next week is my doctor appointment. I will speak to my doctor about setting an appointment for mental health, for counseling. I need it.
Dear constance247—
So sorry you are in this horrible situation. Getting out of a relationship with one of these toxic people is filled with potholes and setbacks. They are master manipulators, have invested a lifetime in perfecting their skills and are dedicated to identifying and leveraging your vulnerabilities. Of course, we all have vulnerabilities, and sociopaths/psychopaths are really good at reading them, getting you to trust them and divulge them, and then using them to control and hurt you. Blaming you is a classic sociopath move as is saying you are the love of his live or soulmate. It’s intended to make you feel responsible or to make you think you are passing up the relationship of a life time so you owe him, and give him, a second chance. People who care about and invest in relationships are favorite targets of sociopaths. He’s trying to turn your best qualities against you. Try to see it for what it is—an attempt to trap you in his dark web.
Please be gentle with yourself. These people are very, very, very good at what they do. They manipulate even the strongest, smartest, most successful people. In fact, women with such qualities are often targeted successfully by sociopathic men. Being mad at yourself about this relationship is kind of akin to being disappointed that you could not figure out how an accomplished magician pulled off a favorite magic trick. They are good”please don’t blame yourself, but do try to avoid contact as soon as you are able to and get support to get over this relationship.
Speaking of support, it may take several attempts to find the right people to support you through this. I think many of us have found that certain people we think will support us don’t—they are either judgmental (i.e., “How could you have let this happen?” Now that’s helpful! ) or even competitive and seem to offer support, but use their “support” to also subtly gloat over or highlight your misfortune (i.e., “I’m so sorry you’ve lost your home, now let me tell you about the amazing addition I’m putting on my house— That’s super helpful, too!). It’s like the second wave of a tsunami hitting when we find out that certain friends and family on whom we thought we could rely are actually actively unhelpful and sometimes even hurtful. Double Ouch! Sometimes when this happened, I felt so hurt and confused, that it pushed be back toward my sociopathic ex-husband and prolonged my ability to go “No Contact,” and heal. Yet, the silver lining is that, at the end of this painful process, you’ll really find out who your true friends are and probably create some new very profound friendships as well.
Wishing you all the best, and please be kind and loving to yourself. You are not to blame for the horrible manipulative, hurtful behavior of this man.
Hello,
I joined this site after reading this article. I am facing a long road ahead of me to gain some normalcy and get my life back. I am leaving a full blown Psychopath (after three years of torment) and I am trying everything I can to do it successfully this time around and to do it with minimal damage to myself. Hearing about making a “no contact” deal with myself, and even my counselor and my family and friends sounds like an action plan that I can hold on to. Thank you for this article because it really helped me a lot tonight!
Zonna – welcome to Lovefraud. No Contact is the answer. It enables you to escape the fog, the confusion, and begin to see the truth. We have many articles here on Lovefraud that may help you. Look in the “Recover” heading of the archives:
http://www.lovefraud.com/lovefraud-pages-sitemap/post-archives-by-category/
Guess I’m learning the hard way. I broke no contact 2 weeks ago and now he’s dissappeared again. So now I’m back to square one after 4 months of no contact! I feel like an idiot. And i’m back to feeling like his fiance is lucky. He must really be in love if he dissapears and seems to give her his undivided attention.
Caitlyn
I had two days without contact and broke it. I started feeling just like you. Asking myself why? So I needed to talk to him. Last night I spoke to him via web cam. I recently joined this group and everything in this website is FACT. So during our conversation I noticed how he wasn’t listening. He told one lie after another. Earlier he had sent me a text calling me a C_ _ T, a b_ _ _ h, and every other degrading name. Long story short, I told him I know he is screwing someone because his behavior is similar to the other times I caught him cheating. Of course he denied it. Then he said straight to my face ” I love you and only you , I would die for you”. Ya right, I thought. So I let him believe that I would be here for him. Guess what after I disconnected, I blocked all communications once again. I have made a decision if he contacts me through someone else’s phone or facebook or IM message I am not going to open it, Delete.
So like you I feel hurt and used. After hearing his same old bullshit and being a part of this wonderful group I am going to stand back up and stay strong. Easier said then done. Remember if you fall the good thing about it is you can always get back up. Wishing you the the best.
~PEACE
My heart skipped a few beats when I read the part that says ‘I would die for you’…..heard it often through our 33 year marriage!
Caitlyn, he is as incapable of loving her as he was / is incapable of loving you or anyone else. His new “fiancé” is really just his next victim. His “undivided attention” is love-bombing. Remember when he did that to you? It was, is and always will be, a lie. He’s using her to hurt you and what a sick, sadistic game that is. He will cause her the same pain he caused you. Don’t let him cause you any more pain. Forget him, he’s not worth it. He never has been. Pray for her. She’ll be the next one suffering.
Hi Rosie! I just saw your reply sorry i’m just getting to it. Been going through another down spell since i broke no contact but i’m ok just angry. I’ve blocked him for the last time! I know deep down he can’t really love her if he has no problem cheating and meeting other women. He’s still using an online dating profile as well so i guess that shows how much he loves her. I can’t understand why she never senses anything is off especially during the times he was spending with me.