Healing from a relationship with a sociopath is hard, often brutally hard. Don’t add to that by being hard on yourself if your own path is filled with dark days and setbacks–even setbacks you may have caused by diverting from a path of “no contact.” We are human. We are imperfect. Seek support from those who understand and will not judge. It’s okay. All we can ever do in life is to move forward.
No Contact/No Emotion
Yet, as soon as possible, no contact with a sociopath is important. If no contact isn’t possible for legal, custody or other reasons, keeping the contact minimal and totally devoid of emotion is critical.
Why? Because sociopaths feed on emotion. I just finished reading a book published by a self-proclaimed sociopath, and he described it as needing “fuel.” Just as we all need oxygen to breathe, food to eat, and shelter to keep us at a comfortable temperature, sociopaths need to trigger emotions in others because sociopaths are fueled by controlling others. Your emotion (just knowing you will react emotionally even if the sociopath cannot witness it) is evidence of that control. They are truly emotional vampires.
Our Emotion is Like a Drug to The Sociopath—It Fuels Them
That’s one of the reasons sociopaths strive for continued contact with former victims. Just as the sociopath is like a drug to you (you know the relationship is toxic, yet you crave it anyway), the fuel your emotional reaction provides for the sociopath (positive or negative) is like a drug to the sociopath. To get it, they need people in their lives–they need you. At first, during the love-bombing stage, the emotion they created in you is positive and that’s fuel for them, too. But as your feelings naturally evolve from giddy, over-the-moon being in love to more mature love, it’s not enough to keep the sociopath fueled. At this stage, they purposely trigger negative emotions and ruminations in you to create the fuel they crave.
Yes, They are Setting You Up
Why was he so nasty to me this morning? Was she really flirting with my best friend? Was I really being inconsiderate by going out with friends after work? And so it goes. Their subtle and sometimes not so subtle behavior triggers a reaction in you. That reaction fuels them, as it is testament to their power and control.
Will the sociopath ever admit to doing this. Heck no, because if you realize you are no more than a puppet to them, then you might leave and the puppet master would be without his/her primary source of fuel, fun, and satisfaction. Why ruin a good thing? To keep the game going, there has to be “deniability” and they put the onus on you–you really are too sensitive, you didn’t understand, you can’t take a joke, you really were flirting, etc. See where this is going? In the end the only conclusion is that you really are a horrible, incompetent, neurotic, fill-in-the-blank, person.
Please Don’t Feed the Animals!
If you live in the country, you’ve probably learned not to put food out for wild animals, because they’ll just keep coming back for more. A sociopath is the same way. Provide him or her with fuel, and the sociopath will keep coming back for more. For your health and sanity, you cannot feed their hunger for your emotional reaction. Just like a wild raccoon that once found a tasty tidbit in your backyard, a sociopath will keep revisiting a potential fuel source. Again, please don’t feed the animals. You want them to stop coming around. They are dangerous—they bite and carry diseases.
Don’t Make the Sociopath Addicted to Your Emotional Pain.
As discussed in my post last week and in my book, intermittent reinforcement (i.e., random acts) of love and attention by the sociopath is part of what makes you “addicted” to the relationship with the sociopath. I’m guessing that probably works in reverse.
If we are inconsistent–contact, no contact”¦. contact, no contact, no contact, contact etc.–with the sociopath, aren’t we training the sociopath to be addicted to us as a source of something that fuels them–emotional pain? You don’t want this.
Perhaps I’m over simplifying it, but there may be the only two ways out once a sociopath considers you a great source of fuel for them. Either:
- you go “no contact/no emotion,” knowing you will be tested, and the tests will be both brutal frontal attacks as well as sneaky Trojan-horse attempts, and you endure without reacting until the sociopath is convinced there is no more fuel/emotion to be extracted from you, or
- The sociopath drains you so profoundly that you become so depressed that you are no longer capable of emotion. At that point you are discarded, as you are no longer a useful source of fuel to the sociopath.
Neither road is easy, but if those are really your only two choices isn’t the first option a whole lot better? I don’t mean to be harsh, but perhaps framing it this way will help us stay on the no contact/no emotion path no matter what.
My own sad tale of unwittingly investing almost twenty years of my life into a relationship with a sociopath and sometimes diverting from the best path, is chronicled in my book Husband, Liar, Sociopath: How He Lied, Why I Fell For It & The Painful Lessons Learned (available via Amazon.com). It is a cautionary tale of how much one’s life can be train wrecked and one’s soul can be depleted. As I don’t get a “do over,” hopefully some of my painful lessons can help others impacted by these masked vultures.
Identifying names, places, events, characteristics, etc. that I discuss here and in my book have been altered to protect the identity of everyone involved.
Q&A with Amber Ault, PhD, MSW – clinical social worker specializing in personality disorders
Doing the NO CONTACT in the beginning of getting away from a sociopath significant other is challenging. I accept the challenge.
Although I had two days and failed. Here I am working on day one again. Last night I had a conversation with my now ex- SP boyfriend . His lies are clear. My new line to him is ” You should be Saran Wrap because I can see right through you”. He continued to blame me for us not being so close. He called me every name in the book via text message prior to our web cam conversation. Then he spoke of how much he loves me and that he would do anything in this world for me. I asked him what love is to hm. His response was “forever and a day”. I said that isn’t love that’s a slogan. Love is putting the other person first. He sickens me.
So here I go on my way to a better life. Remember if we fall, we can always get back up. I will STAND BACK UP.
~Peace
Hi Constance247, I want you to know that you are not the first to break no contact. Everyone has broken it at least once. You are correct today is DAY ONE of No contact!! 🙂
Reading your post my thought is You Get who he is!! You get it!! This is a great mindset to have Constance!! You say “He sickest me”…this is a great place to be!!
Blocking him COMPLETELY is essential to following with the No Contact Rule. IT’s hard to cut the person out who you have been emotionally bond it to for so long but it is the only way to heal and move forward with your new life.
Completely blocking a sociopath is change your phone number and only give it to your most trusted family & friends. Block him from social media very thing and better change your social media account to a none name and only let your friends/family join. Block all web cam with him. Have your computer swept to make sure he did not install any spy ware. Remember that when you talk to him via web cam he can record everything you say & do.
I am glad that you are seeing his words for what they truly are = a “slogan” = a con to suck you back into his con game! Be proud of yourself you finally have taken the rose colored glasses off when looking at him and now you see him for who he truly is a pathologically lying sociopath.
What helped me when I first left my ex husband was to come here or other sites and everything I was emotional…sobbing, crying, angry I READ, READ, READ everything up at the top of Lovefraud over and over to open my mind up to who he really is a pure evil person. I also watched the videos up at the top of Lovefraud over and over to. This actually calmed me down when I was emotional and it gave me the understanding of all the mind games he did to me & I related every thing I read & all the videos to my own marriage. In time I never wanted to talk with him or see him again ever. I promise you this will happen to you once you truly impose the No Contact rule.
When you feel like you “need to talk with him” come here and vent…dont worry about spelling or grammar just type it all out, or you can do the same just with paper at home or if you need to talk with someone call the national domestic violence hotline to talk with a free counselor. You dont have to do the No Contact Rule alone we are all here for you!
Day 1 of the NO Contact Rule starts now 🙂 🙂 🙂
Take care,
Hi Constance247, Here is a good article about the emotional bond that you have to break with your abuser.
“Why Initiate a”No Contact” Rule When Leaving a Narcissistic Relationship
No contact is initiated as a way of breaking the psychic emotional bonds between you and a narcissistic partner, friend or family member. If you have been involved with a narcissistic person for any length of time you will undoubtedly have a strong attachment to that person. This attachment needs to be weakened which will happen much more quickly once you engage the rules of “no contact.”
I am referring to the rules of “no contact” as RULES but these are only enforced by you. These are your rules! If you break these rules you are the one who pays the consequences. And”there are most definitely consequences that come in the form of emotional pain and re-attachment.
No contact gives you the space and time to get your energy back into your life. It can be challenging at first as you may have to resist the urge to answer the phone, return an Email or make that call. You must get into the habit of policing yourself for your own good. Imagine that you have two different aspects of yourself; a parent self and a child self. The parent self will have to police the child self to be sure she doesn’t do anything that will hurt her. You know intellectually that breaking the rules of “no contact” will hurt that child, so you stop her from doing so, even though she is throwing a tantrum.
Making a decision to cut off contact with a narcissistic personality when leaving the relationship is an important part of your recovery process. The decision to initiate “NO Contact” is a decision for your health and sanity.
When you remain in contact you continue to engage in the relationship on some level and are still affected by its craziness and dysfunction. You will normally continue to be affected by the hot and cold behavior of the narcissist, be pulled in and pushed away, confused and hurt. You will continue to be drained energetically which results in depression and lethargy.
The best remedy for getting yourself back is to stop giving your energy to the relationship in any way, shape or matter. You can only dry off when you take your feet out of the water. Cut off his access to you and your energy!
Of course there are cases where ’no contact” is not possible due to the involvement of children or when the narcissistic personality is a direct family member. However even in these cases contact can be greatly limited and sometimes all contact can be through a third party mediator.
Here are the rules of No Contact:
1) Once you have made the decision to end the relationship get your business taken care of immediately, if possible. If you are married and going through a divorce you will need to initiate the divorce right away or make the decision to put it on hold for six months to a year while you take care of yourself and your family. During that time you can initiate “no contact” and then initiate the divorce paperwork, through an attorney when you are stronger. Let the narcissist in your life know that you are ending the relationship and won’t be in communication with him for a while. Ask him to please refrain from calling, text messaging, Emailing, instant chat or stopping by your home or workplace.
2) Taking care of business involves getting your possessions, giving him his possessions. Getting separate living quarters, separating bills and anything that would give you a reason to contact him or for him to contact you. If necessary use a third party mediator.
3) Clean out your home and get rid of any memorabilia having to do with your ex-narcissistic partner. If you are having issues throwing something away or burning it, put it in a big box, tape it up and store it somewhere where you won’t see it. If you are comfortable burning sage or incense this can help clear the energy of your home. Also burning candles is a good way to shift the energy.
4) Make no arrangements for personal meetings. If he stops by, don’t answer the door. If you see him in public, put your sunglasses on, avoid eye contact and move past him as quickly as possible.
5) Make or accept no phone calls. If he calls, don’t answer the phone. If he calls from an unidentified number and you hear his voice on the other end, hang up without saying a word. He’ll get the message. If he leaves a voice mail message try and erase it without listening if you can. If he is persistent, consider having your phone number changed. This is your sanity we are talking about. It is priceless.
6) Make or accept no text messages, emails, or instant chat. It is best to block his emails and even consider having your own email address changed so he won’t have your information. This prevents him emailing you from an unknown address.
7) If you are on any mutual community Websites, you will want to stop visiting those sites. Do not access his Web pages, profiles, or anything that will give you current info on him. What he is doing is none of your business. What you are doing is none of his.
8) If you have friends in common, you will want to let them know that you are avoiding any and all contact with him at this time so you can focus on your healing and you request that they NOT share any information about him with you nor any information about you with him. If you find mutual friends do not support your request you will want to avoid contact with them for a time. Do not allow anyone to tell you that what you are doing is crazy, silly, stupid, childish or invalidate your decision in any way. This is a time to surround yourself with people who support you and let go of people who don’t.
9) If you work with him, in the same office building, same company, etc.. Same rules apply. If you are forced to do business with him, keep all communication strictly business and don’t allow him to engage you in any other way. Remember: He no longer has access to you or your energy.
10) If you have children with him you are best to engage a mediator for all contact. Narcissistic people will often use the children as a way to get to you. You may consider asking a family member or good friend to act as the mediator for young children. If your kids are old enough to handle their own business, let them work out the details of any visits directly with the other parent and communicate with you to be sure you approve. Be careful not to use your children to punish the narcissistic parent. The kids will be the ones being affected. In some cases when the narcissistic parent realizes he has no control over you and using the kids doesn’t work, he may bow out altogether and you may rarely hear from him. So it is important that you don’t allow him access to you, even if you have kids. Keep it strictly business.
How Long Must No Contact Last?
No contact should remain in affect until you feel the bond has been completely severed. This can take several years so be prepared to continue “no contact” for a long time. Most will find once that bond is severed there is no need or desire to see that person, but the rules can soften a bit at this point so if you run into him on the street you may say “hello” and be kind, but not engage in any “real” conversation. If you have kids together you may be able to communicate directly at some point in the future, although there is absolutely no guarantee this will work well.
Once you have moved on, down the road, you will want to be careful not to make the mistake of believing maybe he/she has changed. The likelihood of any real change is very small. Always assume he is the same person as he always was. Even if he had changed, your trust in him has already been severely damaged and you would never likely be fully trusting again. This is no way to have a relationship. You deserve to have someone you can trust completely in your life.”
Thank you so much Jan7 and to everyone who is on the site dealing with a sociopath significant other. To be honest I am feeling so much better. When I am alone and feeling down I will be right here to share because no one understands what I have been thru except all of you.
Day One coming to end…looking forward to day TWO!
~PEACE
you are not alone, you have support here, we know what you have been thru and let me tell you it will get easier, its been a few years for me, I work on myself everyday, so you can do it too, I have faith in you!
Hi Jan,
On a different note I have a question. I believe you said on a previous thread, though I can’t remember which, that many sociopaths have OCD like behaviors (that is my memory). I have looked on the internet and found next to nothing on it. My husband has a lot of OCD like behaviors/rituals. I was wondering if you are able to shed any light on the matter?
Thank you in advance
Oh i i realize you are all so right. I don’t know why ive been struggling the last 2 days. Ive been sooo tempted to contact him. I thought i was fine and than like train hitting me i wanted to contact this lying cheating little boy!! Its so hard to accept who he is, its surreal. I loved him with my heart and soul.
I felt the same, my world revolved around him and then the rug was pulled out from me, its sad to know that there are some sick people like them in this world and you can only understand it till you have been thru it!! There is a lot of support here!! Good Luck
ugh, I broke contact but I DID NOT go see him. I just said no and just threw some insults at him. He paid me back today by poking at me all day to come over. I was about to break down and he left me hanging after asking if I saw his new picture on the dating website. What a pig he is! I was relieved and I’m stronger than ever now and the next time,tomorrow,I will ignore him. My phone is my business line, I can not change it and blocking him is still scary for me. I’m taking it one day at a time!
Zonna, you should be proud of yourself for not going to see him. THIS IS HUGE!! It’s not easy to end a relationship with a sociopath the bond has been so manipulated that its hard to just walk away. You have just learned a valuable lesson of exactly what happens when you take his bait…he just once again showed you that he will only play mind games with you…that is all that you would ever get out of a relationship with him. You will never get love & respect from him. Nope you will only get lying, cheating, conning, manipulation from him.
I think it is great that you came here to vent. This again is HUGE!! You reached out for help this is exactly what you want to do when you feel the need or urge to contact him. Right now think back on how he made you emotional feel yesterday. Did you feel like you were back on his emotional roller coaster ride spinning to no whereville? did you have anxiety & stress? These are the things to understand when dealing with a sociopath…they bring nothing but misery to your life. Our emotions i.e. anxiety, stress, anger, crying…are our warning alarm to alert us to danger. He is dangerous and your body was reacting correctly towards him.
You did the right things Zonna…you realized you made a mistake talking to him, You told him NO that you would not see him and then you came and vented.
DONT BEAT YOURSELF UP JUST START AGAIN WITH THE NO CONTACT RULE.
DAY 1 STARTS NOW!! 😎
thank you Jan! That helps so much just knowing I have support! Thank you!
This no contact is key. I went back and forth for years. I have established no contact (disclosure I have to on occasion email him when he has violated court orders to bolster my case-but that is it). I would also highly encourage everyone to change passwords to EVERYTHING. My STBEXH, hasn’t contacted me directly in months (thereby leading me to believe he has lost interest-a good thing), but I recently found out that he has been looking at my NETFLIX acct. You would think what’s the big deal. First, I only got this account last year, mainly for my children; secondly, my account has been dormant for months (in fact I forgot I had it until a friend of mine recommended a series I should watch); thirdly, he has been watching a dormant account for months and then presto we started using it; fourth, he is very patient indeed and will feed off of any information from afar; fifth, he now knows what I watch, when, and how often. Though he has his own account and has his own for years he got my children who live with him to give him the password. I’m not sure why one would even bother but they can feed off off crumbs. Change everything. They stalk in ways that leave most of us scratching our heads and act like they don’t. Needless to say, I changed my password and he knows I’m on to him-again. BTW, I was thinking this week of some of his tactics. One in particular I didn’t notice until now-which I attribute to the clarity of going no contact. His tactic was to take me out to dinner and order a glass of red wine. Then he would make this hand gestures which would lead me in fear the whole meal that the contents of the glass would land on my lap. He actually spilled wine on me “accidentally” no less than 5 times. But to this day when someone at my table orders wine I’m always watching where their glasses are-cleaver isn’t? Keeping me on edge always.
I thought I could handle “talking” to him, I couldnt and I couldnt over and over again, then slowly it got easier the more I learned on this page and researching!! Everything made sense. I tried warning the other women, he made me out to look crazy. The BEST advice is to keep trying to go no contact, if you have to have contact or he gets thru to you somehow, use the Grey Rock method (yes, no boring answers, no emotion in your voice, I have not heard from my ex in 2 years but he passed away a year ago, so I know its done and over, I am in therapy and on medication and working Very hard on myself, I had a lot of issues my whole life so I was bound to be a target.Good Luck everyone and take care of yourselves first!!
It’s all so unbelievably true.
I know that I can have NO contact with my SP son. He knows how emotional I am and not only feeds on it, but also uses it to manipulate me.
I do agree that no contact is the best option we all come to realize as the best way to end the suffering and begin the healing process.
But when over time we feel safe, balance and almost back to normal there is no doubt we do well in general if we haven’t sadly end our life’s or never recover completely from our experience.
We all carry the wounds and scars of such experiences and they are part of who we are as we move forward.
But reflecting on my own ordeal and as much as i have put a million miles between me and her the thoughts and feelings that while I’m safe in my new life
I can’t stop thinking of the other victims to be.
We have the right to own guns as much as sociopaths have the legal right to be who they are. Right?
But if we shoot and hurt someone or even kill another person we go to jail. That’s why we need to be background check before we get the gun. If we are criminals no gun.
Sex offenders also are registered for the benefit of us all.
Sociopaths hurt, ruin lifes and even kill by suicide with impunity. And are allowed to do it as many times as they wish in their lifetime. No one screens or does background checks on them as they move to the next victim over an over again.
There is no love fraud law registry in our country. Lucky them.
There is something fundamentally wrong with this. I think it is time for people like us in conjunction with all advocates to stand up for our selfs and take the fight to the next level. I don’t want to be just another story in a blog where empathy is poured on to me by thousands while they in a way laugh at us all cause they know they can set up shop again and again and again with ever more confidence, experience and determination acquired by us paying for their schooling.
I’m talking about organizing and take legal steps to make people we exist and “they exist” People who are not aware of what is out there lurking and waiting to victimize them. Innocent people at risk of falling for one of this monsters.
I will like to see a political action comity be form that represents the thousands of victims to lobby for the creation of a data bank to register all offenders.
To see that legislation be created to protect us not them. There are no legal mechanisms by which to address the brutality and deaths we are exposed to by this predators.
Remember, when HIV came about they made it a crime to knowingly passed to another person. Same with herpes.
Friends, nothing revolts me more that while I now feel save after been a victim who still remains far from being the man I use to be. To know that she/he is still out there free like a bird to do the same harm to another fellow man or woman is to ignore they do exist and a free pass WE gave them to continuo business as usual.
I think we owe it to the innocent as we owe our children, or love ones to teach them and spare them of the dangers in life.
Maybe just maybe us victims in doing so will find the much needed healing and balance by being proactive about the issue and flat out confronting this monsters in a different plain field. Where justice and the rule of law will be our allies and us doing communities a service.
Regards
I for one understand your frustration. I don’t believe a “national registry” is the solution. Remember, that these types would beat to the punch and a lot of good people will be placed on it by sociopaths and slandered/libeled on such registry, if one could exist. Education with friends, our children, or friends’ children, schools, and our communities are where we need to start. Educating people we know how pervasive this problem is. Further, many Lovefraud victims are repeated victims of these types. Some of us know who they are and yet we are drawn to them and them to us. As long as there empathic people there will the atrocities committed by sociopaths. Breaking free of the shackels that society places us in is one way to combat the problem Spouses need to break free of their abusers and let those children who love sociopath go live with the sociopath, parents of adult sociopaths need to cut the ties, children of sociopathic parent/s need to cut the ties. The rules of society need to change. A registry is not going to solve that problem we are going to solve that problem, individually and collectively. If you can and must go on the offensive in court proceedings get a lawyer who draft the necessary motions to make your plight public record, take that person to small claims, etc… and when facing a new relationship do you your due diligence and look in the history and on public record and make an educated decision. We need to teach our children to make educated decisions. If the woman/man your considering as a long sordid history, run. How can we change society when as individuals we won’t take a stand? I am sorry you are hurting. We all are.
I wondered if you could bring a civil lawsuit down on someone for mental anguish. It is considered domestic abuse and if you had proof I think you could. I have often thought about it but he beat his last girlfriend and got in a lot of legal trouble so his day is coming this Thursday in court! Sometimes you get revenge simply by waiting out the psychopaths own dysfunctional behavior!
Zonna,
In the state in which I live you can bring a lawsuit titled, “Intentional Infliction of Emotional Distress”. This can be its own stand alone lawsuit without additional claims- but you must show it was intentional. There is another lawsuit, “Negligent Infliction of Emotional Distress” which usually piggybacks on other torts/claims as a byproduct of an Intentional tort. Look into this and seek advice on the matter. Lawsuits are extremely expensive, and since the advent of tort reform and if you hire a lawyer, will be “pay as you go” and not on contingency. Not to mention emotionally draining . You can always represent yourself Pro Se. However, if you are in a divorce it is something to consider. Usually its best to document the abuse as it occurs rather than much later. However, if you have damaged property or injuries requiring treatment small claims court is very user friendly and inexpensive generally. Unfortunately, the courtroom doors in many states have been slowly closing and not as accessible to cost involved. In some cases, if you lose your suit you have to pay the opposing party’s legal fees and vice versa. Not a pleasant thought especially in cases that are not well documented. Well there’s my two cents for what it’s worth.
Thanks for sharing this info. Do you know which states recognize this torte?
There are a couple of websites where victims can post info on players/spaths.
Another way to protect oneself is to go slow in dating, avoid long distance relationships, get to know someone and observe him in a variety of situations interacting with a variety of people, ie. work, family, church, etc., before making an emotional and physical commitment. Also, look at the ‘fruits’ of someone’s life – what are his relationships like with his family, co workers, etc. Does he have a stable job in which he is reasonably successful. This won’t protect against all spaths, but it will weed out many of them.
Hi Annette,
I wouldn’t be able to tell you the states but if you google “intentional infliction of emotional distress” and the state you should be able to find out. I did a Google search for Illinois as for example and came across a lawyer’s website that I thought did a good job explaining the tort in Illinois and I’m including the link as a guide of what the tort is and what a good explanation looks like. Hope it helps.
http://www.querrey.com/images/LawManual/ch6_A.pdf
In fact if this advice were practiced by all ALL the time, this website would not need to exist.
people would still need information.
Unfortunately, no contact is difficult when the sociopath is your elderly father. Although I’ve established clear rules of conduct, he still can’t resist the temptation to “do his thing”. At a family dinner in a restaurant, assured that I don’t have a ride home, he will wait until I’ve ordered my food before subtelly reminding me that a tiny parakeet died in my care when I was 6 years old. He’s quick on the draw when it comes to verbally attacking me with a cruel memory that he knows really hurts. He speaks so softly and with much love in his voice when he tries to murder my soul the way he did my mother’s. Even at age 64, it still takes me a few days to recover from an encounter. But, no matter what and who is present, I will get up and leave. That’s my rule! My brothers and children say I’m immature, unforgiving and am the one who ruins family gatherings. He appears to be a darling, attractive, sweet grandpa, the kind everybody wishes they had. People have come up to me in public and stated that I was the worst daughter, they had ever met and I should be ashamed of myself. How could I neglect him, so? This is just one of the ways he manages to hurt me indirectly, even though we live in different cities. When he attends my concerts, one of my brothers is assigned to stay with him every minute. If he has a chance he will tell the conductor or anyone who will listen how he suffered and starved to pay for my music lessons. He will use any opportunity to steal credit for and undermine my accomplishments. He is ruthless in his endeavors towards me. Looking forward to the funeral!
It sounds like your situation is heartbreaking. He is a sadist to treat his own daughter that way.
It sounds like he is able to push your buttons by getting you to get up and leave any time he chooses by saying subtle things he knows are hurtful to you. You might consider not giving him that power over you by not spending time in his presence or not having any contact at all. Consider not inviting him to your concerts, or if he does come just be gracious and ignore his rant about starving to pay for your music lessons. You will look sane to others, and he won’t have the power to push your buttons. It’s easier said than done, but the rewards to you of getting out from his crazy manipulative cycle of interactions may be worth it. Consider looking forward to his frustration at not being able to manipulate your feelings and make you feel bad!
The grey rock technique to deal with psychopaths might be helpful to you: http://www.lovefraud.com/2012/02/10/the-gray-rock-method-of-dealing-with-psychopaths/
“They’re dangerous and they carry diseases.” I remain no contact because I have finally transcended the cognitive dissonance. My brain has stopped ping-ponging back and fourth. I now see clearly who he is. He is a dangerous man and I feel so sorry for the woman in his life. He is conning her. It’s clear that not all is rosie in the relationship and yet she stays. She stays and denies, like I used to stay and deny. She doesn’t really like his incessant flirting, his unexplained absences, sexual deviance, or his dependence and love of her money. She lies to herself everyday because she’s stuck in the quicksand and like me, it will take a herculean effort to pull herself out. I wish I could talk to her, but I can’t. She’ll figure it out on her own, just like the psychopath’s ex wives and countless ex girlfriends have. She will one day realize that if he was capable of better, he would have done better a long time ago and that his past behavior is the predictor of the future.
wow, sounds like the man I’ve been involved with! I tried to warn many women but it seems to lead the sickest ones right to him. I gave up, my lessons are mine and whoever gets involved with him are learning their own lessons. I am on my 1st day “again” of no contact!
You might let the new victim know that if she ever has any questions or would like to talk to you, you’d be happy to do so. That way, when she is going through the hell that he will put her through, she may feel comfortable reaching out to you. You may be able to help her get through it all, given your experience.
I would have liked very much to talk to my ex psychopath’s first ex wife, but I did not know how she would feel about it, so I never contacted her.
Annette: i contacted the fiance’ of the sociopath who strung me along for 6 months to try and let her know what he’s been doing behind her back. I sent her a message through Facebook telling her that he was seeing me for 6 months and that he never mentioned he was involved. I told her we’d taken trips together, he said he loved me, and would never hurt me and i was the one for him and everything.i also gave her the name of the online dating site he uses along with his screen name. She pretty much told me to get lost which tells me either she didn’t believe me or he told her some lie about me… Maybe he told her i was crazy and a stalker who knows but she’s still gonna marry him.
It would be consistent with spath behavior for him to be lying to her about you. When his new victim/fiancee begins to see the truth about him, she will have the benefit of the things you told her. It may help her with the cognitive dissonance she will likely be experiencing, and may help her get out and recover sooner. She will have you on her side helping her to think clearly and resist his brainwashing, gaslighting, and hypnotizing; even though she doesn’t see you in a realistic way yet.
Annette: sometimes i think maybe she doesn’t want to know the truth, doesn’t care, or she refuses to believe he is anything but the love of her life. I don’t know how she’s been with him for 2 years and hasn’t felt or suspected anything unless she has and he lied his way out of it. If someone gave me the name of an online dating site and a screen name and told me it was my fiancé i’d check it out wouldn’t you?
I got tired of the lies and i felt like i was having a nervous breakdown. So The last time i talked to him i called him a lying ass, a game player, and a con artist and he had no problem discarding me again because i see what he really is. I don’t plan to feed the animal again… No contact is very important im learning the hard way.
Caitlyn,
Thanks for sharing your thoughts. It sounds like you are thinking clearly. By having no contact, you are doing the best thing to protect yourself from further damage by the spath, and to accelerate your recovery.
The reasons you surmise his current victim is still interacting with him, are probably right. He is lying to her because that’s what spaths do – they lie in order to manipulate. She may have seen ‘red flags’ and be in denial. Due to her background, she may not know what a healthy relationship is so that she doubts herself. There are so many factors that go into the mix of psychopathic manipulation and abuse.
Due to circumstances and other factors, my ex psychopath successfully deceived me into agreeing to marry him. There were red flags that I didn’t recognize at the time, and my intuition told me something was wrong, but the cognitive dissonance was so great I blamed myself for my doubts. My ex psychopath is a very very good manipulator and a very good liar, so that he still has most of the church we attended believing his lies about me and about his first ex wife.
It sounds like you’ve done all that you can to warn the current victim, and I think that what you said will help her in the future, even if she’s not at that point now.
It’s a tragedy that you were victimized, but it’s a great blessing that you had the resources and clear thinking to get out relatively soon.
Could you tell me which book that is, please? The one where they need ‘fuel’? Fallon? Vaknin? Or someone else? I’ve just about come out of the obsessional thinking phase (touch wood) and am trying to figure out what the heck’s going on.
Hi NoLongerShocked–
Ironically,the book is called “Fuel” by H.G.Tudor (a pen name, I assume). Oddly, even after reading almost everything I could find and process on the topic of sociopaths/psychopaths, thinking back on all the psychology I’d studied and even reading some new sources, I was still unclear why my ex kept seeking me out to attack me verbally, emotionally, psychologically, financially. Clearly he enjoyed playing with me as a cat with a cornered mouse. (All this is chronicled in my book if you want more detail and a reminder that you are not alone.)
Still, I felt like I did not have a fully satisfying explanation of his behavior. When I read “Fuel,” I felt like one last needed piece of the puzzle finally clicked into place. Hurting me really does feel good to him, it fuels him. Hence, he needs to keep doing it.Sick, but true. My job is to have that fuel dry up so he stops looking to me as a source. That’s why no contact and/or no emotion is so important.
Wishing you strength, support and clarity.
You are not alone.
O.N.Ward
I tried to show no emotion, to use the greyrock technique http://www.lovefraud.com/2012/02/10/the-gray-rock-method-of-dealing-with-psychopaths/, to be boring, but my ex psychopath always succeeded in pushing my buttons. I had to have no contact as it was the only way to starve the spath.
I struggled to understand the psychopath’s motives behind seeking me out to engage in negative interactions. I asked him several times, “If I’m so horrible, why don’t you hang out with people you like?” I eventually labelled him a sadist, and I recognize that some people just enjoy harming others which is what evil is. They fuel their own feelings of power and control through knowing that they are the source of someone’s suffering. A good man feels power and control and satisfaction by using his strength and abilities to make others feel better.
@....... O.N.Ward Thank you! I’ve never heard of that book before. I’ve looked at a lot of P websites (sooo much information to take in) and always been puzzled what Ps get out of a ‘relationship’ beyond the normal parasitic money, time, s*x whatever. I’ve heard of one P wanting to be connected to ‘power’. I’ve read that Ps want our life and liveliness because they themselves are actually empty inside. I can see that they want control and that our messed-up emotions are an INDICATOR of that control. I’ve read that they’re psychic vampires, and that they might not be connected to their souls (or even not HAVE souls, as apparently Cleckley came close to suggesting, though I don’t think I’ve got to that point in the ‘Mask of Sanity’ yet.) And yet others say they’re just normal people with a brain disorder.
WHY do they want control? The grandiosity, presumably, which ties in with other thoughts (not read it from Hare or anyone reputable yet though) that developmentally they’re stuck at a baby / infant stage in some respects, so wanting control would somehow be part of that. And the boredom, of course, which gives them something to do. But why should they get ‘satisfaction’ out of CONTROL? Why not get ‘satisfaction’ (which they never get anyway) from painting flowers? Or programming, something super-rational?
And then there’s my own experience of life, and my own body, where I feel energy flowing round it and sometimes (as a nearly-empath) ‘feel’ the people around me. Where the heck does all that fit in? WHAT is it that P’s are after? Is it stirring up our emotions so that they get to feed on our energies, since different emotions have different energies and they (somehow) don’t feel theirs EVEN THOUGH they have organs which in Chinese Medicine and presumably in other systems are said to generate these emotions?
And what about the obsessive thinking afterwards? That is WEIRD. Are we psychically connected to them and giving them our energy?
So much to learn still! Little snippets, little clues and thoughts and angles …
Due to my professional background I am use to recording and keeping files. One thing helps me remember who my SP boyfriend truly is reading through old text messages and chat sessions between him and I.
It’s funny how in one sentence he claims he loves me and just me and noone else but me…two text messages later he is call me a C_ _ _ _,
B _ _ _ _, and fake ass whore. I remember when he first started calling me these names it hurt my feelings. After hearing them over and over I became accustomed to it. I didn’t allow his words to hurt me because I am none of those things. Reading between the lines of his messages just tells me he is fake and heartless.
I once loved him and it hurts me that I was suckered. However, he is the sucker now because my love has faded away and the poor soul will never know what real love is. I do not have any sympathy for the being
( I refuse to call him a MAN the only real man I will ever know is my DAD r.i.p.) he will get what he reaps.
No contact and getting stronger one day at a time. Have a blessed day.
~Peace
You loved the fake person he presented himself to be. You are a good person and capable of love, and you take that attribute with you when you leave him. You can give your love to someone who deserves it and who appreciates you and loves you.