By | August 17, 2015 103 Comments

Why sociopaths cheat

young couple conflictLovefraud received an email from a reader whom we’ll call “Ingrid.” She brought up a question that I’ve heard over and over:

Just wondering if you could tell me why sometimes they stay with others longer as I feel he wants this new woman for his main supply even though he was trying for a baby with me,  what does a main supply have that I didn’t? He seems settled with her.

Ingrid, most sociopaths cheat on their romantic partners. In fact, they are often cheating throughout the entire relationship, but it may take you a while to find out about it. Or you may have caught hints that the sociopaths were cheating, but they were able to explain the situations away. Eventually, however, you have so much evidence that you can no longer ignore their infidelity, even if they keep lying about it.

Admitting the truth to yourself, you are hurt and angry at their betrayal. You may also feel that in some way you were not “good enough,” and that’s why the sociopath strayed. The sociopath may actually tell you that but don’t believe it.

What you need to understand is that sociopaths will cheat regardless of who your are or what you do.

Here is the basic truth: Sociopaths engage in romantic relationships not for love, but for exploitation. If a sociopath engages in a romantic relationship, it’s because the romantic partner is a target who has something that the sociopath wants.   

So what does the sociopath want? It could be anything. Here are some possibilities:

1. Sex. Even if you are having regular, rambunctious sex with the sociopath, he or she  will always be looking for a new sexual adventure. The new target may not be younger or more attractive it’s just someone different.

2. Money. Many sociopaths are always on the lookout for someone whom they can scam for money. This is especially true if you are running low on funds because the sociopath has already convinced you to spend all your cash and run up your credit cards.

3. Housing. Sociopaths may like the new target’s accommodations better than yours. Or, the sociopaths may suspect that you’re getting ready to kick them to the curb, so they need a backup plan for living arrangements.

4.  Connections. Sociopaths are frequently cooking up some “deal” or “project” code for a scam and the new target may know someone who knows someone who could be talked into participating.

5. Entertainment. Sociopaths sometimes start romantic pursuits for the fun of it, just to see if they can catch the target. This often happens with online involvements. Sociopaths keep sending texts and emails, proclaim love, promise to get together and never show up. They never planned to show up the whole involvement is nothing but a game. 

These are just a few of the possible reasons sociopaths cheat. The truth is sociopaths do not even need a reason. The cheating may simply be that an opportunity presents itself and the sociopath pounces.

Sociopaths are incapable of love

If your romantic partner exhibits most or all of the the key symptoms of a sociopath, and you discover cheating, please don’t ask yourself, “What does that person have that I don’t have?”

Despite what sociopaths said in the past, they don’t love you and they never did, because they are incapable of love. So a new target just means that the sociopath has found someone else to exploit.

No happily ever after

So Ingrid, please understand:

1. There is no point in being a sociopath’s “main supply.” The main supply is just someone who has more to lose to the sociopath.

2. Perhaps the new target does have something that you didn’t have. Again, it means she has something else that the sociopath wants to take. This is not good for her.

3. If the sociopath seems “settled,” it’s only because the sociopath is engaged in a full-court press to snag the new target. Once she has been drained of everything the sociopath wants, she, too, will be discarded.

When sociopaths move on to new targets, you may want to feel sorry for them, but not jealous. No one lives happily ever after with a sociopath. All involvements are bad; it’s just a matter of how much damage the sociopath inflicts.

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I was in a relationship with a sociopath for a year and did not realize he was a sociopath until after I got out of the relationship and started doing some research. One thing I learned is that he had a definite pattern in relationships. He always had a “main” relationship and at the same time was involved with someone from the past and was always looking for new women. I had my suspicions that he was cheating when we were together but no solid proof. After we broke up, I found out he had been cheating on me the entire time with his ex-wife and with who knows how many other new women. He always told me he liked to “flirt” but whatever they tell you, just times it by 100 and that is what they are really doing. The most important thing we can do is never blame ourselves. Their behavior has nothing to do with who we are. It is a hard thing to get over but time and education really helps. It took me over a year after the breakup to get my self esteem back and get back to the person I was before the relationship and it was a very difficult battle at times. I hit lows I thought I would never get out of but I did. Another thing to remember is that this is the life they choose to live and nothing we do will ever change that or make a difference. They truly do not care about the people they are with. And as far as his new relationships, yes, I feel bad for the new “main” women who have been in his life. I have even reached out to a couple of them to try and warn them. It worked with one but not with the next and he has been in a new “relationship” for over a year. Confirmation that he will never change is that to this day, he still reaches out to me and tries to cheat with me, exhibiting the same pattern as when he was with me.



I’m glad you post this because mine was about a year and i’ve been recovering from the madness this whole year.

Not to over-analyze, but it’s like, if he is cheating with the ex nearly the whole time, then why are they exs and not together? So stupid! Either, she thought they were back together, or is ok with no commitment. To each his own I guess!

Not me, i’m done with all that!

Thank you for sharing!!!!!



One thing I have learned is that the cheating is not about really wanting to be with that person or get back together with them. It’s about the conquest, the challenge, the need for multiple partners and the need to keep people in their lives. At least that is what I learned about my ex. The interesting part is that after I left and was in the process of learning that he was a sociopath, I thought about reaching out to his ex-wife because I thought some of what I had learned would be helpful to her. Well, she ended up reaching out to me and we talked for months, exchanging stories of what we had been through with him. She had no idea he was cheating on her when they were together until I shared stories he had told me. From her perspective, she was still in love with him and not over him and she thought that continuing to have sex with him while he was with me was getting back at me. Just shows you she has some twisted thinking going on.

I guess my greater point is that he lives this pattern because he is still doing it today and what he did has nothing to do with me. I know for a fact that he cheats on his current girlfriend with others because he has told me. And as I mentioned, he still tries to cheat with me and has in the past after we broke up. And I am sure he still has something going on with his ex-wife. The whole thing is just so crazy when I think about it now. It has been 16 months since I left him and what I went through after the breakup was even more difficult than what I went through when I was with him. And even today, I still have moments of regression and it affects me emotionally. I wonder if I will ever really be over this traumatic part of my life and fully healed.

I wish you the best in your recovery. Stay strong 🙂



You are right…they want more, more, more. Feed me!

It was worse for me after too…

I would have small set-backs also. I think I am out of the woods now. 8 months out. 4 with no way left for him to contact me.

The whole cheating and recycling exes thing…it’s just my logical brain that says duuuh, just be with her, but I forgot, we were not dealing with logical people!



Add to the list number 6: NOVELTY. Sociopaths can get bored easily and nothing stays fun for very long. There is always a new game to win, whether it is duping someone new out of money, property or sex or manipulating an existing dupe into doing something new, especially if it is out of character.



You are exactly right! I sensed his boredom this past weekend and by Monday Dr. Jekyll emerged leaving Mr. Hyde behind. I believe the straw for me was last week when he compared me to an unsightly woman in a store saying, ” look there is your sister.” He then tried to cover it up and apologizing. I could not shake that hurt even after he begged me to forgive him. The feeling lingered that entire evening as I wondered what would possess him to make that comparison and who the hell did he think he was? He has so many deficiencies I can’t count them. The more I think about it, as a born social worker I believe I was taking in a charity case.

Last week he told me he needed to go out alone on a Saturday night. I said fine go and that will be the end of you and me. He did not go. Two can play the game, however he was more masterful than I. I knew it by the way he zapped my energy. I am on day two and it is a struggle for me not to pick up the phone just to scream at him.


I think “sex addiction” should also be added. With my ex spath I know he cheated. He’ll only admit to ONE because I had all the proof to back up my position. No matter how often or how great the sex was between us, he would always sabotage it with his behavior. He of course would lie and deny, but during the last two years of our marriage I didn’t take his cheating and poor treatment of me personally. I have Katie Holmes to thank with the way she divorced her husband. So I did it slow, methodically, and clean. I backed him into a corner and he couldn’t get out of agreeing to a divorce. Actually, I set up a default divorce whereby he didn’t have to DO or PAY for anything. He threatened, but I just played him as he played me for 8 years. Now I am free. I tried all I could to save that marriage. Three “therapists”, behavior agreements, Post Nuptial agreement, nothing worked. So I just quietly planned my strategy for escape.


All of them ‘cheat’ at something. It might be sex. It could be cheating their business partner, or the bank, or whatever. They cheat. If you feel little to nothing for anyone else in the universe cheating is EASY.

It was the same in my ‘relationship’.

All the red-flags were there: love-bombed for a couple of months, mirrored my interests, gathered facts about what I ‘really wanted in life’, called constantly. Always talked about our future. Flattered me. Of course, even during this phase he was ‘off’. The flattery was shallow, the calls ‘too many’, the mirroring seemed a bit rehearsed. But I just thought he was eccentric, and ignored my gut. This guy ‘cycled’ pretty quickly, so the love-bomb was only about 3 months.

Then…bit by bit started needing needing needing….it became all about what he needed, and about what I could ‘help’ him with. He needed sex, a car, money for work, clothes, a plane ticket, rent, help with the bank….I figure from what I gave him and what he borrowed I was in for a good 25,000.00 within 9 months.

Then came the devaluing: started talking about an ‘open relationship’, took me to a ‘polyamorous’ meeting, ‘confessed’ that he kissed his previous girlfriend only a month into our relationship. Over time he needed ‘time outs’ from the relationship to ‘figure things out’. He needed some space. He needed to write in his journal, to ask ‘spirit’ what was best, to blah blah blah….all of it intended to keep me in his circle of influence.

Then the discard: Actively cheated during time outs, was out at night without me, was verbally abusive and angry, and ‘confessed’ he slept with multiple women; providing all the painful details. Then he started becoming destructive of my possessions (totaled my car, broke my stove, ruined my vintage couch, etc..). During this phase it was as if he made the situation so unbearable and awful that I was forced to leave. He didn’t actually break it off with me.

It was only after I was out, for about 6 months, that I figured out the extent of his lies and manipulations. I found dozens of other women, online, who had been duped by him. About 6 of them were with him when I was.

All in 9 short months!


My sociopath would claim such grandiose acts I did not believe him. He once told me he went to this rich lady friend of his who was going to put him up in an apartment so he could leave his marital home and be closer to work. It was a con to see if I would get an apartment in the city so he would have easy access to me. Once I said I would consider getting an apartment his rich girlfriend disappeared. I had no intention of getting an apartment but I knew he was trying to manipulate me.

I have to say this for this man, at least he never stole from me or destroyed my property and I believe he never would. He had many opportunities to take something of value, but he never did. I knew above all, he was not a thief in that sense. But a liar, con artist for getting me to buy things, pay his phone bill and help make his car payment he had no compunction. I am just shy of 11 months. It certainly has been a roller-coaster ride.


I am out just under 5 months and what I have learned since leaving is unbelievable. I lived with this man for 30 years and watched my life slipping away, I lost my self confidence, I felt paralized. He had countless affairs some short, many long term. The most hurtful, a family friend. He exploited me financially and and maintaind a steady round of emotional abuse. My life became so predictable. I tetered between misery and false hope. The final straw came when he made my will and attempted to dupe me into signing it. I’m not sure why this was finally my wake up call. I think it was something in my hand, it was tangible proof. I began to plot my escape that day. Over the next 3 months I methodically planned, organized, and finally bolted. To Diane, whatever it takes, GET OUT.


Pam, I am glad that you had that light bulb moment & escape your hell that you were living!!


It is never too late to make the break. After all I have read it amazing you are still standing. The sociopath can destroy the human spirit. I saw it in my mother; who was married to my father, a sociopath and jail bird, as she referred to him. However, she never got over him. She even said things to my step dad, for the life of me could not understand how he tolerated?



Wow- my mom never got over my dad and has been remarried for 30 yrs and still talks about my dad to/around him!

Only my mom is the disordered one, but still….


Today I gained the strength to break away from my sociopath boyfriend. I am not sure my story is unique in some form or another, however I believe it to be the most pathetic.

My husband died nearly six years ago and I have had no relationships other than one male friend who took me out for dinners occasionally to cheer me up. Last October, while out with a friend I met this very charismatic man of good looks and build. I met him for a drink the following week and after that began a relationship of sorts. He was very vague about who he was and would not even offer his last name. He did this in such a way it was almost funny, until I became attracted to him and he still would not offer his last name. I should have run away then, but as I say he has a way about him that draws you to him even when you tell yourself it is not right. He told me he lived with his sons and that he moved here from Bosnia 14 years ago where he left his divorced wife.

Because I have studied psychology you would think I would know better. I knew he was a sociopath from the get go, however I enjoyed the attention and the sex after deprivation for over 10 years. I take care of my elderly mother and am starved for company most times and I suppose I was will to overlook a lot.

This scenario is more bizarre the more I think of it, and I question myself about my personality makeup and what disorder I suffer from. As time worn on and I became more attached, more and more information evolved that caused me to break up with him on numerous occasions. I found out he was not divorced and his wife lived in that house with his married son, daughter in law and grand baby. His younger son later got married and his story is another whole chapter. Of course at first I ran and then little by little he would smooth talk his way back into my life. Then I learned he had a girlfriend of eight years and again I broke up with him. He then left this woman and smooth talked me to go back with him. Now that he drew me in, the manipulation began. Accusing me of perhaps having affairs with other people, always asking who I was on the phone with, making it difficult for me to have relationships with my friends by alway threatening me to never see me again. I clearly knew I was out of my mind and would tell my friends when I wake up from my coma I will get rid of him. I also began to believe I had a sick addiction to the sex and him.

I am ashamed of myself because I know I am a better person than this. I resigned myself into thinking I was helping this unfortunate person with giving him things he needed i.e. cloths, food, and medical care. One night he called me literally crying in pain. I helped by getting him to an emergency doctor who pulled his tooth for the mere price of $650.00. He was every so grateful and appreciative until his gums healed and then his ridiculous behavior began again. I reminded him how everyone else turned their backs on him and left him to suffer within his household. I have exhausted way too much money on this man inside of 8 months, however I kept it within my budget in my head. Still I spent far too much on this person in time, money and energy.

Without further detail of what transpired though out these last eight months, I will only say that because of my nature and my feelings for others, I find it difficult to sever the ties with a person who may have hurt me in some way. It is with the desire to find the good in people I know that causes me to hang on. Another aspect is that we hate to lose the battle. I must concede this battle before it cost me more of my precious life. He will survive fine because he has been doing this his entire life. For me, I lost a man that loved me with his whole heart and soul and I mourned his death for a long time. This mourning period will be short lived for me.


Catnoch, CONGRATS ON YOUR FREEDOM!!! You have escaped the grips of an evil sociopath…this is not an easy feat as they are masterful con artist who will do everything to not let their victims escape. YOU DID IT!!!!

Follow the “NO CONTACT RULE” now!!! It’s the only way to truly break free from the sociopath.

THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU….please know this. These evil people are con artist who are skilled at manipulating people. They target people who are kind hearted, loving, hardworking people. Experts believe that a sociopath has over 100 victims. So you are not this mans only vicim. He knows exactly how to extract info from their target vicim then use it against them in the future.

I have read many post from professional counselors who themselves have been conned by a sociopath so do not beat yourself up for having been educated or the fact that you saw who he was. Did you know that sociopath literally use hypnosis, brain washing, mind control & trance?

These evil people are the cult leaders of this world…it does not matter if they have 1 cult follower (domestic abuse) or 1 million followers such as they HItler type cult leader. They all do the same evil mind games to control their followers. THIS guy was your cult leader and you were his cult follower & this is why it was (is) so hard to leave a sociopath.

Sociopath mess with their victims mind so that the victim does not know which way is up or which way is down let alone find the door out of the relationship. They create so much stress, drama & chaos to literally stress out the victims adrenal glands causing the victims to end up with hormonal imbalance, high levels of cortisol & adrenaline in their body & vitamin/mineral deficiency all of this adds to why your mind is so confused. ***look into the symptoms of adrenal fatigue…see sites like adrenal fatigue. org, drLam. com & mialundin. com her book and her you tube videos. Some symptoms of adrenal fatigue include sleep issues, panic attacks, anxiety, depression, mood swings, etc etc it’s a long list.

PLEASE read Donna Anderson’s book (Lovefraud) & also my counselor gave me the book Women who love psychopath by sandra brown (THIS book is a must read!!).

When you are sad, mad, crying, angry or feel like you are going to break down & call him come here and vent…this will help you to clear your mind but most importantly will most likely be all you need to not call him. Also when you feel this way come to LF and read, read, read everything up at the top of this site & watch the videos up there too this will help you to break free your mind from your ex’s mind control & brain washing.

Do a search on the top right of Lovefraud and the internet for:

1) gray rock rule

2) no contact rule

3) gas lighting abuse

Also read the book Freedom of mind by Steven Hassan. He is a cult & domestic abuse expert who has been on 60 mins, Larry King Live, CNN, FOX, The John Walsh show & his book will explain the brain washing/mind control aspect.

In his book Steven Hassan states that ANYONE & EVERYONE can become a victim of a cult leader/domestic abuse especially when the person has a life change in their life such as a death in the family, going off to college, changing jobs or school, moving, divorce or relationship breakup etc etc. YOU had a life change with the loss of your husband & taking care of your mother.

Why this time? because during a life change the victim has their guard down focusing on the change and guess what a sociopath can spot this a mile away and swoop in to “help” or “save” the person. But in reality as we all know they are their to destroy a victims life.

You will find with time that you NEVER loved this man…instead he conned you into believing you loved and he created an addiction in you to need your fix = him. This is what you have to break free of.

Hugs to you 🙂

Take care


Catnoch, this is a great article on why the No Contact Rule is a must. Check out the Facebook pages Psychopath Free and also After Narcissistic abuse…they are both great sites to gather info as well as Psychopathyawareness. wordpress. com. Open a fake email account then a fake Facebook page so that you can chat without your friends or your ex/his friends seeing what you are chatting about.

Take care

“Why Initiate a”No Contact” Rule When Leaving a Narcissistic Relationship

No contact is initiated as a way of breaking the psychic emotional bonds between you and a narcissistic partner, friend or family member. If you have been involved with a narcissistic person for any length of time you will undoubtedly have a strong attachment to that person. This attachment needs to be weakened which will happen much more quickly once you engage the rules of “no contact.”

I am referring to the rules of “no contact” as RULES but these are only enforced by you. These are your rules! If you break these rules you are the one who pays the consequences. And”there are most definitely consequences that come in the form of emotional pain and re-attachment.

No contact gives you the space and time to get your energy back into your life. It can be challenging at first as you may have to resist the urge to answer the phone, return an Email or make that call. You must get into the habit of policing yourself for your own good. Imagine that you have two different aspects of yourself; a parent self and a child self. The parent self will have to police the child self to be sure she doesn’t do anything that will hurt her. You know intellectually that breaking the rules of “no contact” will hurt that child, so you stop her from doing so, even though she is throwing a tantrum.

Making a decision to cut off contact with a narcissistic personality when leaving the relationship is an important part of your recovery process. The decision to initiate “NO Contact” is a decision for your health and sanity.

When you remain in contact you continue to engage in the relationship on some level and are still affected by its craziness and dysfunction. You will normally continue to be affected by the hot and cold behavior of the narcissist, be pulled in and pushed away, confused and hurt. You will continue to be drained energetically which results in depression and lethargy.

The best remedy for getting yourself back is to stop giving your energy to the relationship in any way, shape or matter. You can only dry off when you take your feet out of the water. Cut off his access to you and your energy!

Of course there are cases where ’no contact” is not possible due to the involvement of children or when the narcissistic personality is a direct family member. However even in these cases contact can be greatly limited and sometimes all contact can be through a third party mediator.

Here are the rules of No Contact:

1) Once you have made the decision to end the relationship get your business taken care of immediately, if possible. If you are married and going through a divorce you will need to initiate the divorce right away or make the decision to put it on hold for six months to a year while you take care of yourself and your family. During that time you can initiate “no contact” and then initiate the divorce paperwork, through an attorney when you are stronger. Let the narcissist in your life know that you are ending the relationship and won’t be in communication with him for a while. Ask him to please refrain from calling, text messaging, Emailing, instant chat or stopping by your home or workplace.

2) Taking care of business involves getting your possessions, giving him his possessions. Getting separate living quarters, separating bills and anything that would give you a reason to contact him or for him to contact you. If necessary use a third party mediator.

3) Clean out your home and get rid of any memorabilia having to do with your ex-narcissistic partner. If you are having issues throwing something away or burning it, put it in a big box, tape it up and store it somewhere where you won’t see it. If you are comfortable burning sage or incense this can help clear the energy of your home. Also burning candles is a good way to shift the energy.

4) Make no arrangements for personal meetings. If he stops by, don’t answer the door. If you see him in public, put your sunglasses on, avoid eye contact and move past him as quickly as possible.

5) Make or accept no phone calls. If he calls, don’t answer the phone. If he calls from an unidentified number and you hear his voice on the other end, hang up without saying a word. He’ll get the message. If he leaves a voice mail message try and erase it without listening if you can. If he is persistent, consider having your phone number changed. This is your sanity we are talking about. It is priceless.

6) Make or accept no text messages, emails, or instant chat. It is best to block his emails and even consider having your own email address changed so he won’t have your information. This prevents him emailing you from an unknown address.

7) If you are on any mutual community Websites, you will want to stop visiting those sites. Do not access his Web pages, profiles, or anything that will give you current info on him. What he is doing is none of your business. What you are doing is none of his.

8) If you have friends in common, you will want to let them know that you are avoiding any and all contact with him at this time so you can focus on your healing and you request that they NOT share any information about him with you nor any information about you with him. If you find mutual friends do not support your request you will want to avoid contact with them for a time. Do not allow anyone to tell you that what you are doing is crazy, silly, stupid, childish or invalidate your decision in any way. This is a time to surround yourself with people who support you and let go of people who don’t.

9) If you work with him, in the same office building, same company, etc.. Same rules apply. If you are forced to do business with him, keep all communication strictly business and don’t allow him to engage you in any other way. Remember: He no longer has access to you or your energy.

10) If you have children with him you are best to engage a mediator for all contact. Narcissistic people will often use the children as a way to get to you. You may consider asking a family member or good friend to act as the mediator for young children. If your kids are old enough to handle their own business, let them work out the details of any visits directly with the other parent and communicate with you to be sure you approve. Be careful not to use your children to punish the narcissistic parent. The kids will be the ones being affected. In some cases when the narcissistic parent realizes he has no control over you and using the kids doesn’t work, he may bow out altogether and you may rarely hear from him. So it is important that you don’t allow him access to you, even if you have kids. Keep it strictly business.

How Long Must No Contact Last?

No contact should remain in affect until you feel the bond has been completely severed. This can take several years so be prepared to continue “no contact” for a long time. Most will find once that bond is severed there is no need or desire to see that person, but the rules can soften a bit at this point so if you run into him on the street you may say “hello” and be kind, but not engage in any “real” conversation. If you have kids together you may be able to communicate directly at some point in the future, although there is absolutely no guarantee this will work well.

Once you have moved on, down the road, you will want to be careful not to make the mistake of believing maybe he/she has changed. The likelihood of any real change is very small. Always assume he is the same person as he always was. Even if he had changed, your trust in him has already been severely damaged and you would never likely be fully trusting again. This is no way to have a relationship. You deserve to have someone you can trust completely in your life.”


Catnoch, you are not alone anymore…WE HEAR YOU…WE ARE HERE FOR YOU!!

Also reach out to the National Domestic violence Center hotline in the USA the number is 800-799-SAFE you can talk with a counselor 24/7 365 days a year.

Also go to your local abuse center for free counseling & free women group meetings they are excellent and so helpful when you first leave. The national hotline can give you local numbers.


I am truly grateful for you. I almost did not post today. I deleted my first post because of SHAME. Thank you so much.


Jan7 thank you so much for your insightful words of encouragement. I believe inherently I knew in my heart of hearts what needed to be done. Silence is golden for sure. I knew the only way for this break to be successful is to not have any contact. I can use all the support necessary to get me through. I have a bunch of his clothes, most I purchased. In addition I put together this beautiful layette for the grand baby to be in a few days. I would like to still give the gift. I know this sounds crazy but I believe the child can use it. Thoughts?


Catnoch, your welcome.

PLEASE DO NOT feel shame at all. You were conned like the rest of us. The more you read up on this evil man’s disorder & related it to your relationship you will see that there is nothing to be ashamed of.

When I left I was embarrassed & had shame too thank goodness I had a counselor who told me from day one who my ex h (then husband) & that was the day I ended the relationship for good. I had my answer to all my prayers and know that he would never change & that he would kill not only my spirit more if I stayed but would have killed me physically. I sat in the parking lot of the domestic abuse center crying my eyes out & was so embarrassed to go inside for my schedule first counseling session but that step was one of the best step I took to move forward along with the women group meetings which were a true eye opening experience and also a true blessing.

As for the clothes & gifts…pack them up & meet one of his female family members in a VERY PUBLIC place like a coffee shop and do not talk about the relationship just hand over the items & be on your way. Then SHUT THE DOOR FOR GOOD on this guy by following the no contact rule. If there is no one else except to give them to him then drop them off at his home when he is at work or send them to him. That way you close the door & prevent him from coming around for his things.

If you give him these gifts/clothes to him personality he will con you back into his sick twisted world so avoid this at all cost!!!.

You CAN NOT be nice to a sociopath they will take full advantage of your niceness.

Google “Oprah Gavin Debecker you tube” to watch their interview about listening to your gut. YOUR gut instinctively knows that you needed to go no contact without even know there was a rule. SO PLEASE follow your gut for your sanity & for your safety.

I wanted to let you know that I am so sorry that you lost your husband…such heartache & sadness you have experienced.

Keep asking questions & venting Catnoch it really does help tremendously.

Wishing you all the best!
Take care.


I am rethinking the options of the items…send them to him without a return address…spend the shipping money or donate all the items to charity.

YOUR SAFETY IS THE UPMOST IMPORTANCE RIGHT NOW!! So don’t go to his home like I mentioned above as this would be too dangerous.

PLEASE know that the most dangerous time for a women of domestic abuse is when she leaves her abuser so you must be on guard now.

Follow the No Contact Rule so don’t talk with his family/friends/him

If you have to call the phone company to block his number from calling your home.


Thanks for your concerns. I am aware of his comings and goings, so there is no danger of me having contact with him. I have also successfully blocked him and he has called all night. I am sure he is furious by now that he cannot call and manipulate me. This character is in a league all his own. However, I am not in fear of my safety because he would jeopardize his status here in the states and he knows it. He also would not want endanger his or his family to deportation.

i believe his family is part of his scam. Not the daughter in law however. I may be wrong, but she comes from Peru and was raised in a Catholic school. I think she believes the family is on the up an up. In the last few weeks I have learned more and more of the family. I believe the wife is willing to have her husband sleep around to supplement income. Whether it be with money, clothes, or entertainment he otherwise could not afford. He stayed five nights a week at my home and treated it like it was his until there was work to do. I had a few things he could have helped me with and he did do a few things. Just a few.

I know the wife is not an innocent bystander in all of this and I want to confront her and give her his clothes. She threatened, according to him to throw his clothes out but she never did. She has called a few times and left messages.

I know I cannot have contact with him because he has that silver tongue.

Take care and thanks once again.


Catnoch, as a former wife of a sociopath I would put his wife in the “victim” category too as she is living in hell every second of her day. Yes deep down she sees his con game but she is in surviver mode. She may go along with his evil ways so that she does not get the brunt of his abuse. She has learned to survive by being compliant.

I would say stay clear of his home because you do not want him/his wife to call the police as this is exactly what sociopaths do they turn the table and pretend to be the victims and with his “silver tough” he might just convene the cops to arrest you for trespassing.

This man has done such evil things to you…you have to remember that you CAN NOT be nice back to a evil person ever as they will take advantage of you.

Do a search on love fraud & on the net for *** “sociopath smear campaign” (this is what he has been doing to you with his wife to control you & her and he will do this with your friends etc)

Ask yourself this question:

Why do I feel compelled to give back his clothes after he has done nothing but lie, deceive and con me?



Your last comments just hit me square in the ‘that sounds just like me’ eye.

“I find it difficult to sever the ties with a person who may have hurt me in some way. It is with the desire to find the good in people I know that causes me to hang on. Another aspect is that we hate to lose the battle”

What is that saying about before a fall goeth pride? I also hated losing the battle. And, at the same time, I too wanted to see the good in everyone. I identified as the STRONG helper, able to solve any problem and help any soul. For me, I have realized, this represented my own issues. What better target for a sociopath than someone who is over-identified with helping and never giving up on a person, or situation?

I am guessing, since you wrote you have some education in psychology, that you know that searching for the good in a disordered person’s character is like mining for gold in a kiddie swimming pool.

I also relate to your shame. We are left with SO much of it when we actually operate outside of our own values and ethics- as ALL of us do when we are entangled with someone who really, in the long run, only brings out the worst in us, and takes ZERO responsibility for themselves. Hanging out with the morally bankrupt threatens to bankrupt us too.

I look back, still, with a level of embarrassment about my own behavior around sex and attraction. I wore slutty clothes. I don’t wear slutty close. I mean, I just don’t. But I did then. I acted with abandon. But really, I am a pretty practical and organized person. But with him, I let ‘things’ go, including my own moral compass. I had moments of desperation that temporarily ruined me.


This is what happens to all of us…you ARE NOT more shameful or guilty than any of us here. You are not more pathetic.

I was in a similar situation as you. I lost a 13 year relationship with someone who I loved very much. Then I met the sexy, handsome, charismatic sociopath, and my love-lost was turned into a kind of wreckless abandon, that seemed at the time, to be the answer to my pain.

And you are so right. Once you go no contact with the abuser you will begin to heal. Not just from this sick relationship, but also from the loss of your beloved husband.

Put yourself first….reclaim your heart and help it heal.



Slim: You write beautifully. I am truly sorry for your experience as well. The other day my computer was hacked. I had to call for help. While going through the process I was asked if I ever visited adult sites. I was embraced to say I had someone who had. The tech was kind as he said he wad not passing judgement, but rather needed to know. I told him my boyfriend had. I then remembered how he had forced me to watch woman having sex with dogs and I refused and he became annoyed. At the time I thought what could possibly excite a person watching this type of porn? I know men have odd tastes and I simply fluffed it off as a guy thing.

You speak of slutty clothes and I am reminded of all the moral compromises I made for this man. I am now beginning to think he was perverse in many ways and I was under his spell. I am not sure how I got so rapped up in it all of it because I grew up somewhat prudish. I ask myself, “how did this happen.?” Then I realize it happened out of desperation. I was so starved for attention I fell into this trap.

I have blocked the calls on both phones and he has called all night long. The house phone rings and the cell phone does not. So I count six times so far. He has never driven to my home as he can’t read signs because he does not have reading comprehension of the English language. He is limited and I am certain he will never come here to my home although he has been here at least 100 times. As long as I don’t go to the place Where we me,t I am certain we will never make contact again.

I thank you for your words and pray we all never fall into this sort of trap again.


Cat –
I think for some sociopaths it is a game to see how “bad” they can make “good” girls behave. The things you list above could describe the sociopath I escaped, except it never quite sunk to the level of vicarious bestiality. I have no doubt the sociopath would have enjoyed making me watch something like that though, just because of the level of discomfort it would cause me.

Even if he appears to give up on you, be prepared for him to randomly reappear whenever he feels bored and remembers what fun it was to manipulate you.

Best of luck on maintaining No Contact. Vent here as often as you need to – we have all stood in your shoes.



I too have typically had hard times letting people go that have hurt me… I thought I could shed my morals on others and kind of prided myself on being a good girl, yet with an edge.

I’m guessing likely all of us here felt under a spell. I too thought he was for me…the answer to something.

You’ve done a great thing by coming here. These people have pretty much coached alot of us through this hellish part of of journey.

They have helped us go through the fire and come out the other side.

God bless you…


Thank you for contacting me. This will be a crucial period for me. I faltered too many times with this man. He is so cunning and slick and I fell for his lines continuously.

I am so glad I posted today as this has been a tremendous help to get me through the first day. Again, thank you.



The main problem of the Human , we trust so easily, never put any 2nd thought about the person in our mind and that is not good. Thank you for sharing this with me/us.


The silence is deafening. The phone now is not ringing and each hour of the typically times he would call have reminded me how manipulated I had become. I was walking on eggshells with every move of the day. If I did not pick up the phone at the exact moment he called he would play his game and say awful things while accusing me of all sorts of things. I had no idea how he had molded me into this puppet until today.

Playing these records in my head about all the things we did together and all the words that were said. The words, OMG the words. Then I become upset and say why should he get away with this? Why does this person get to walk away like he has done nothing wrong? I am not the type of person who allows people to get away with things. It may not be today or tomorrow, but he is going to feel the wrath one way or another. I know he has not regard for anyone, not even himself. No self-respecting man would take from a woman like he has. God is good because it has been raining so bad that I can’t go anywhere today. He is a lucky man today.


Don’t let him drag you into something you regret. If you can prove he has done something illegal and have the legal system hold him responsible, go for it – but only if you can do so safely. Revenge is not worth more than you are.

The longer you maintain No Contact, the more clarity you will regain. Sometimes silence is golden.


While I was on the phone with a friend he tried calling twice today and then he used his work phone to get through. He knows I had these gifts for his new grand baby so he called to tell me the baby was born. Because he has no one to share the news and he knows I have a soft heart so he once again is trying to manipulate the situation. His message is the same otherwise as in the past. He mentioned the birth of the child and then mentioned the fact I blocked him from both phones. As always this is his last call and then instructs me to block his work phone number as well. Well, it is the Grand Duca Hotel in Houston. Why would I block that? I may stay there one day with my friends when he loses his job.

I know silence is golden and as more distance is put between us the better off I will be. I am so disgusted with myself I can’t stand it. To think I became intimate with this man makes me ill. I was really looking through the rose colored glasses. Everyone else saw him as a creep except me. My children will be thrilled that I am done with him. They have chastised me over and over and begged I was not spending money on him. If they only knew.

I found the receipt for the items for the baby and will return them tomorrow. I should not feel the way I do. I don’t know what the hell is wrong with me? I don’t know these people and the child should mean nothing to me. When I showed him what I had bought his face lite up like a Christmas tree with joy. He was so tender and sweet to me after that. Then he asked for me to compete the gift bag so he could take the gift with him last Saturday. I said no because the child had not been born yet. I almost gave in but he had me so frazzled on another request I forgot about it. I suppose it is meant to be and that new baby will never enjoy these things, nor her mother. I know they are of limited means the the beautiful things I bought would be novel. But then, what if they received them and returned them for the cash or discarded them? There are so many scenarios to consider. Who am I to give these gifts? He was only going to deliver them a the good grandpa. Once again taking credit for something he did not produce. I am just ranting here to get through this.

Thanks for letting me rant and thanks for your words that I need so desperately right now. My nerves are shot.


Catnoch, if it means so much to you why not send the gift via mail to the newborn’s mother? This would be the best way because like you state your ex will give the gifts and say they are from him as this is what sociopaths do.

THERE is NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU….you are a NORMAL person with feelings & emotions and want the best for others…these are wonderful traits unfortunately you crossed the path of a con artist who exploited these wonderful traits.

Keep reading everything at the top and all of Donna’s wonderful main post as they will give you the insight to see that it’s not you that has issues it’s this evil guy who is a sociopath that has MAJOR issues!!

Glad you vented…it helps tenfold.

Hang in there…keep venting!! 🙂


Catnoch, turn it around and say “Silence is peace & calmness”…..finally you have peace from this evil monster.

I know it is hard when you first leave because he has manipulated you to think about him & his needs all day long, so now you need to fill your days up with things you want to do & things you want to think about for your future.

What every you do DO NOT seek revenge from this man…his revenge will come to him with his own behavior & people leaving his life like you did. Stay strong!

Hugs to you 🙂


Thanks so much. I know revenge is me never putting my hand in my pocket again for this man. Revenge is having him know that I know his game is up. What a lesson on manipulation at this level. The mind games he played and his shrewdness when in fact is not that intelligent is what gets me. What the hell was I doing with a person I could not have a conversation other then defend my actions or the weather. We began a conversation last week on the JFK assassination and his views were so ridiculous I almost bought him a book on the topic, but then I realized he can’t read. This is why he was so limited in where he could travel/drive or go out to eat. He liked places that have pictures on the menus. If we went to eat I would have to read the menu and explain items to him. If he ordered a beer, they usually did not understand him and I would have to repeat it. He would ask if they had Budweiser. What restaurant does not have Budweiser? He knew what he wanted in the supermarket however. Procuitto, mortadella and expense cheese, olives and other meats from his country.

My monthly expenses will be cut drastically and in time I will recoup what I have spent on him. This must be one of the most expensive lessons of my life. Monetarily and emotionally. Thank you all for your support as I get through this difficult period of quitting COLD TURKEY.


Catnoch, YES! That is the best revenge…not to give him money or play his game!!

I know, the lessons we have learned by all this is astonishing….if they would have only taught this in high school it would save so many victims for these evil people.

His conversation about JFK might have been him trying to get you mad or part of gas lighting abuse (google)….playing “dumb” might have been part of his con game (pity play manipulation google this)….you never know with these evil guys if they just see the world so differently or that they are manipulating you or a combo.

Yes, when you cut them out of your life you will realize you can actually save money in the bank again 🙂

You’re welcome again. We have all been exactly where you are now…so many people lifted me up, let me rant & vent and also ask a ton of question when I first left too so please know we are here for you to lift you up in your time of need.

Also know that there is light at the end of the tunnel and one day soon you will be standing in the sunshine again just be patient with yourself during this difficult time…be kind to yourself too…dont put the blame on you but place it firmly on him a con artist sociopath. Yes, we can all learn from this horrible experience and in the future we will demand respect and will remember that trust is earned over time that we will need to keep people at a distance until they have earned our trust.

Take care 🙂



Right now it’s so raw, so shocking, then you will still be likely in a fog as you process all of the information and memories.

We have all been there, it’s not you! My ex was such a con-man salesman-yep a salesman for real!

No contact is the only way. Read and vent.

You can do it!


After ten months of a ritual of scheduled and non-scheduled (check up) calls I am realizing the manipulation even more. We think it is because they miss us or they care when in fact this is all part of the manipulation and mind control. These tactics are also a way to know just how to read us for further manipulation.

Throughout my entire life no one has ever controlled me. No one! My friends were astounded on how I was controlled by this man and were so confused on how a once very independent woman would let a man, this man control her.

Today is day four and I believe I am getting stronger. I know what needs to be done for me to have closure and I will do it today. You all here have been very kind and I truly appreciate all the words of encouragement. My friends too have been concerned and checking in constantly. The worst times are when I am alone and thinking, but I will try to think of positive things and plan for my future and how in time this will be a distant memory. I am beginning to regard it as a bad job that I actually hated and needed to change. Believe me, it was becoming a job as he was very demanding. I am too ashamed to admit all I was doing to maintain this relationship. However, suffice to say, I was a first-class moron.

This guy may find another sucker, but believe me, he will never find one that is more kinder or giving than I. Funny, I never realized his clothes in the beginning. For some reason I did not think about it because I was not looking for flaws. Now reflecting back on it, I think had I taken a closer look I may have been turned off by his appearance. My husband was a meticulous dresser and was always neat and clean. I am not sure, but I believe had he not been with me, he may not have showered everyday. He hated to shave and made a project out of it. The more I think about him and how lazy he was I am becoming more furious with myself. I would never let my children be that lazy. He was very clever. Each time I asked his could he or would he do something for me, he either procrastinated so long I did it myself or he would have an excuse his stomach hurt and complain about the restaurant the night before.

I am hanging in there and I am keep praying for strength.


Catnoch, you should be so proud of yourself…you have reached out for answers and found your way to Lovefraud and you have reached out by posting & having the help of your friends in your recovery process. This is a HUGE step hon & you should pat yourself on the back for this.

Yes, the shame & embarrassment of being conned lies with every vicim when you first leave so you are not alone but with time & with fully educating yourself you will come to the conclusion you have nothing to be ashamed of OR embarrassed for because YOU are a kind hearted person who was simply put conned by a masterful con artist sociopath. Even the police & FBI have been conned by these type of people and they are educated this is how crafty these evil people are.

Keep venting & posting your feelings it really does help to know you are not alone & to get all the craziness out of your mind so you can heal. Your mind is opening up and seeing the truth…and most likely you will come to the conclusion you were never in love with him he had just manipulated you to believe you were.

Praying & sending you lots of hugs 🙂

Take care


I just wanted to add that experts believe that 1 in 25 people mainly men are sociopaths/psychopaths and that 1 in 5 have narcissistic personality disorder 75% are men. So these evil people are every where like land mines that you have to avoid. education is key & so is listening to your gut when you meet someone new.


Thank you again and again. You are so right. It was not love, it was many things but not love. I know this now after seeing him yesterday. I know you said not to do it, but I left everything in front of his house and then went to his job to confront him. I needed to do this as I needed to know I could do it. My past attempts were not successful and I became emotional. I believe because I don’t have him calling and leaving his cryptic messages and him mind control methods I become much stronger. I also keep playing what led me up to shutting him down in my head and this has helped tremendously.

I am sure I shall have moments and will think of something good about him but really the bad out ways the good so heavily those moments will be short lived. I am thinking this moment how lazy he was, yet complained of lazy people.

I am grateful for this site and all of you.



Catnoch, your welcome 😉

Each of us has to find our own closure on our abusive relationship…for me after 12 hellish years of being married to one I never wanted to see my husband again when I finally had the strength to leave him.

For you you needed to see your ex and confront him. That’s ok. But here are my words of wisdom for what they are worth…Dont go back to confront him a second time or even call him for many reasons but the biggest being he could turn the tables and get a restraining order on you which will be on your record or he could call the police and have you arrested. I have read many many many accounts from Lovefraud victims and other support sites vicitms who have had the tables turned and the sociopath plays the vicim and gets their ex arrest. So please please please be very careful when dealing with this sociopath. They are masterful manipulators!

But good for you for taking control and taking back your power!!

Remember too your closure is finding out that he is a evil sociopath and that the no contact rule is the only way to heal. These two things are also your power!!

YES, I totally agree with you “the bad out ways the good”…I remember making a list of pros & cons in my mind of my then husband behavior and there were zero good things about him. He was a pathological liar & lied to everyone about everything, he talked about me behind my back & spread lies to everyone from day one, he cheated I believe now dozens of times, was abusive in every form, is a con artist etc etc. Nothing is good about a sociopath except getting them out of your life as quickly as possible.

I always say one thing the sociopaths of this world never counted on was their victims connecting with each other & lifting each other up to heal together 🙂

Wishing you a great day!!


So many powerful words. Thank you all for your insights. I’m now 4 weeks NC. I still struggle with thoughts that I “lost” when he married someone else. I’m also emotionally triggered by women who look like her, pictures of weddings,,and mentions of the town he moved to. Every day gets slightly better, however.

I realize now how out of my mind I was. While we were together, I had come to the conclusion that I was going to have to accept the fact he was always going to be a cheater. Somehow, I talked myself into thinking that was going to be OK. I was totally fooling myself.

I had proof that he cheated on me the entire time we were together with multiple women. I got two STDs, and I feel fortunate I didn’t get any more than that. I think one of the reasons I stayed with him so long was that I really don’t want to go back on the dating scene with STDs. I’m embarrassed to talk about them. Sigh.


You hang in there. This is week one for me. I was fearful of any STD after learning a few things about my sociopath but I was lucky as he was careful not to bring anything home to his wife. He is very clever.

Yesterday I removed every reminder of him and took them over to his house where I left them in front of his house. Then I went to his job and waited for him to come out and confronted him face to face. He actually tried to use his tactics on me once more. I had to do this for myself even though everyone said don’t do it. I am a very strong willed person once I put my mind to it. I told him I am aware of everything he did with respect to his manipulation and I needed to shut it down. He bag blaming me for this break-up and I reiterated I needed to shut it down and his current tactic was not going to work. I told him he could find his things in front of his house. I then pulled away. He caught up with me on the highway and tried to talk with me and I ignored him. He pulled along side on the drivers side later on and I ignored him. He then went on my passenger side again and try to use his smile on me. I smiled back and then pulled away. I am now done and making plans to go out with friends and get back with my life.

I hope by this time next month he will be a distant memory. He was more work than he was ever worth. I pray you will have closure soon. Make plans to go out and meet people. If you meet a man you don’t have to get intimate right away and you will get to feel him out to see when the right time to tell what you feel you need to tell.

I was out of my mind as well, so I know how you feel. My head is coming down from the clouds each day that passes.

All the best.


Catnoch – getting out with people is definitely a good plan. Many of my friendships evaporated because I just couldn’t devote any time to other people. My ex said disparaging things about my friends, so I avoided them. He was also super suspicious that I was out cheating on him whenever I did something with a friend, so eventually I stopped.

I really felt like going out tonight, but couldn’t think of anyone to call. Many of my friends have spouses, or aren’t the last minute “let’s grab supper” type. I’m thinking of joining some groups, so I can meet more people. I’m also planning to sign up for dancing lessons this fall.

At times, he seems like a distant memory, and then something happens to trigger memories or feelings….sometimes good, sometimes bad. I continue to do a lot of reading and I’m working with a therapist and life coach. I find that bringing new things into my life helps tremendously. Being with people helps. Keeping busy helps. When I find my mind drifting back to him, I tell myself to stop fantasizing. I’m a huge daydreamer, which keeps me paralyzed if I let it go on. I still find my mind considering him when I’m making decisions and plans. Frustrating.

Congrats on a week! Stay strong. I found it got more difficult at the two week mark, for some reason.



Look up in your area. You will find many activities you may be interested and meet some nice people. I created a meetup called Aspiring Gourmet. We have had great meet ups and some were in my home where we cooked some fabulous meals. Other times we go out enjoy a good restaurant. I have 167 members since I started. Some have over 1000. Select things you are interested and try them out.

My ex made sure to put atop to me creating new meet ups because he was jealous. Every thing I am reading here is that we all had similar incidents and forms of manipulation propounded upon us. It is scary how these men mirror each other’s personality.

Give meetup a try. You may wan to work on your own meet up.



As you explore various meetups, beware they are sociopath magnets as well. Keep your distance from the lotharios and enjoy for YOU, not for anyone else or to meet anyone. You need healing time and to erect strong boundries against LoveFRAUDS and that’s a process which takes a while.



In the last two years of I have not come across one sociopath. The sociopaths usually don’t belong to this clubs as they are geared toward special interests and you have opportunity to decide if you like a group or not. I even belonged to widows and widowers for a while and never found anyone that would were perceive as a sociopath. Most were in mourning and were just out to meet and greet others. With respect to the other meet ups I joined it was either out for dinner or a show and I never encountered anyone like my sociopath. It is going out to clubs that is dangerous as they size you up as I was sized up as loneyly and as soon as I said I was a widow, bang.

I have a meetup schedule this Wednesday and I have 8 people signed up just to meet, eat and have conversation. It is a good start.


OMY Catnoch,
Driving like that…. he put your life in danger! And the lives of others. That’s such dangerous driving!



It was not like you imagine. The traffic was backed up and going very slow. There was no lives in danger. I would not allowed that. I know how to stay clear if I believe that would be an issue. Relax.


I was responding to your post where you said you were driving on a highway. I didn’t see the part where you said the traffic was crawling. I have seen this behavior that you described when traffic was NOT crawling, men chasing their victim, weaving from side to side, until something bad happened, so I think my concern was appropriate.


Claimmypower, CONGRATS on 4 weeks of NC!!!!!! 🙂 🙂 🙂

You have taken back your power!!!

Every vicim sadly feels “out of (my) mind” when living with a sociopath. Once you leave and you have time away from them your cortisol levels & blood pressure decrease allowing the brain fog to slowly decrease. I did the same “talked myself into thinking that was going to be ok”…the reality is the sociopaths plant seeds of doubt in our minds & isolate us from the outside world so slowly over time we become dependent on them. Once we leave we realize they are the ones dependent on us.

I am sorry for your health issues…it’s such a nightmare…the chaos, drama, and damage from these evil selfish sociopath is goes on and one. No reason to be embarrassed to talk about it…we have all gone out to get tested. I remember after having proof of my ex h (then h’s) affair & him finally admitting to it then going to the doctors to get tested so embarrassing to explain everything to the doctor and I remember thinking sitting in the doctors office that here I am a good person walking a straight path in life getting tested because of my h not walking a straight path. My then husband never even thought about getting test until I made him get tested because I wanted to know if he had anything that he could have given me & I wasn’t showing any signs. He just did not even care this is what sociopath do they just don’t care. So crazy.

Hugs to you! Congrats on 4 Weeks!!! Huge step in the right direction!! 🙂


Thanks, Jan7. I do find my body settling down. I’m sleeping so much better, and people no longer tell me how tired I look. I am struggling with an old eating disorder which has reared its ugly head in the last 4 weeks. I think it is a combination of anxiety, feelings of failure, boredom and too much isolation. Too much time alone at my house is a trigger. Although I dearly love my neighbors, I may need to move. Too many failed relationships and loneliness in this big suburban house. My neighbors are like my family, so I have fear of becoming more isolated if I move. I’m taking steps to get ready, though…..downsizing my stuff, cleaning out cupboards, etc.

Hugs to you. Thank you for your pearls of wisdom.


First Saturday alone in a long time. As I reflect on my routine I am mindful of all the extra work added to my life having him around without getting anything other than sex back. For me sex is a mutual gratification act. Therefore, thinking of the very little I received in help around this house confirms his uselessness.

I am spending the day arming my self with as much information as possible. Jan7 you have offered much good reading material. In addition I found the following: If in doubt this is an excellent tool. Not only if you are in a relationship, but also if you work with a sociopath or a family member is a sociopath. After reading through this, I am totally convinced there are many sociopaths among us.


Thank you for this article. While I have not had contact with my ex for a while, sometimes I think about our relationship and how quickly it felt like he moved on (with the person he cheated on me with) and I would ask the same questions that “Ingrid” asked. What didn’t I do, does this woman have a new and improved person, and he has kids with her and got married?–things I wanted but could never get with him.

Of course I am thankful that I was able to get away with out more permanent ties. Recounting the situation messes with my head and can sometimes lead me down a path of what’s wrong with me? He works nearby and knows how to find me, sometimes getting in touch with me about work things that don’t really require us to be in touch. I know this is part of the game. But it’s difficult to accept sometimes that a person who you would do anything for could be so deceptive and manipulative.

This article is a great reminder that letting the person go is the best thing you can do for yourself. And sadly, the next person may not be as fortunate. These people don’t change.


I know my ex cheated and I were stupid enough to get back with him, he not going to drop his side chicks for anything. Cheating is selfish, but the women my ex chooses to bed down ate in relatiomships with dangerous men.
What I want to know is if any one has a spouse who pays too much attention to teenagers or younger children. I have caught my ex friend requesting the teenage daughters of mutual friends, staring endlessly at the 5 year old daughter of another co-worker and had raunchy porn magazines of late blooming wimen who were over 18 just lacked womanly bodies. Makes me think thats why he was interested in me. I was 19, he was 9 years older. I also still have not aged since high school. This was told to me by my son who said that I had to be a time traveler when he saw my high school yearbook picture. The woman of the mother I told my ex was attracted too, she is still friends with him. It disgusts me.


Edited to say “If I were stupid enough to get back with him.” Letting all know that I have no desire to be held hostage, have my phone calls monitored, my online social media stalked or my life ran the way my ex sees fit.


You just said a mouth full. Held hostage, phone calls monitored, my online social media stalked or life ran. This has been my existence for the last 10 months. Today he asked if I wanted to get back with him after a one hour conversation where I told he is is nothing more than a sociopath and all his tactics I am well aware. I said yes to see his reaction. His cynical laugh was enough to let me cringe. I know he thought I was serious but his laugh said it all. It said, “ha I got you right where I want you. You are mine and I can manipulate you anyway I please.

I still have his calls blocked but he called from another phone and I gave him his ten minutes which resulted into an hour plus. I let him say all the stupid things he wished and then when he was done I let him know I was aware of his tactics. He wants to blame me for the break up because “he” has done nothing wrong and he loves me deep. Yeah right! I know the no contact rule is best, but I am having difficulty processing all of this and coping. My phone is still blocked so he needs to go out of his way to call me. He won’t do this unless it is convenient.


Your post about the young girls caught my eye, unfortunately my ex spath had the same thing going on.
Long story short..I found child porn on his phone.
They were websites, 4 open when I saw his phone what I saw mae me want to puke on sight. They were clearly very young girls about 9 years old and I confronted him.
At first he admitted it saying he was a sick %$#^, then he said his friend looked at it on his phone that went in to the girls on there are over 10 and dressed up to look younger…so it was all ok. BARF.
I also found him staring at someone while we were out having lunch, he had never done that before always kept his eyes on me.
As we were leaving the restaurant I looked to see who he had been looking at with that disgusting grim on his face, it was a young girl about 11 who was smiling back at him.OMG.
I later found out that he was grooming his 11 year old granddaughter by marriage and eventually moved to the state where she lives to “help her mom”. OK, sick pervert.
He is 50 years old and looks older.
Yuck, sorry just thinking about all of this is so disturbing.
I warned the proper people and thats all I can do.
So to answer your question…yes.


Edited above , he said the little girls on the website were 18 and over dressed up to look younger.
As if thats ok. sick.


OMG! I don’t know what you did, but if I had have had more evidence that what I saw him attempting to do, I would have called the cops on him. I surely would have and for the following shelfish reasons. If he were to get caught he would have been on the news, parents would have been whispering and pointing and in the middle would have been me and my child so I woulda promptly packed us up and left then worked on terminating his parental rights.


Today marks the end of week one. I have struggled terribly with sleep and just calming my monkey brain down. My friends have for the most part been supportive, however the pounding on me only makes me feel like this man is back in my life. I know they mean well and I have to remind them that this is like another death for me. Erasing someone from your life is not easy even if they were sociopaths. It was a part of my life for almost a year and it is not like a girlfriend it is a person you became intimate with. It just is not that easy. Too much emotion tied in to the mix.

I am keeping my self busy. It is most difficult for me because I am so isolated to begin with. I care for my elderly mother and am at home alone a lot. My mother is not much company as she has Alzheimer’s and her communication level low on current events. She watches television all day or sleeps. This makes it more difficult for me. I do however have something planned for tomorrow night, so I am looking forward to getting out.

Little by little I am understanding how he perpetrated his deed on me. For me this is important because it allows me to take a good look at myself and understand my weaknesses and vulnerability. I know he saw me as an easy mark as soon as I told him I took care of my elderly mother. This should have been a red flag because most men run when you tell them that. I thought, “well he is European and they are more sympathetic to the elderly.” If I were to reveal why I did some of the things I did, you would think I was totally out of my mind. I think I was.

Last month in Psychology Today, was a headline article called “Betrayed” How to survive a manipulator.. As I read it, I knew I was being manipulated but to what extent I was not getting until now. A woman writes in feedback with respect to that article in this months addition, “The Drama of Deception” hit very close to home. She talks of a guy she was engaged to and how he deceived her throughout the relationship. She now was forced to take a look at herself and understand why she was attracted to him in the first place, and why she stayed in spite of the red flags. She finishes with her remarks saying instead of focusing on why we fall victim to the scam, but rather focus on who you will become and the importance of using what you have learned from the experience as fuel to move in that direction. Who will we become? For me, I will become the cynical person I once was. I had a boyfriend years ago who accused me of being cynical. I found this to be a bit insulting at the time. I have a new opinion today. I think that cynicism served me well in my younger years. I found out very soon what he was about and moved on without shedding a tear as I did with a few others.

I know I am going to struggle some more because I had such high hopes for this individual and prayed I could somehow turn him around to be a better person. I know now this is his life, this is who he is and what he does to survive. He is so cunning it makes me ill to think how I fell prey to his antics. Because of my age I think of how ashamed I am because of the intimacy and the willingness to trust someone and allow them into my bed. I have the biggest problem because it took me so long to allow this.

And this too will pass.


Well, shoot. I feel like I’m back at square one. My ex texted me last night for the first time in 4 weeks. He said he would be in town next week and had something of mine. He asked if he could drop it on the porch. Translation: “I’m testing you out to see if you’ll consider having me stay with you for some lovin’ while I’m in town.”

We sent a couple texts back and forth. I told him it was fine to drop it off on the porch if he was in the neighborhood. . He seemed disappointed I didn’t take the bait. He was looking for more, I’m sure of it. Now I’m nervous knowing he’ll be back in town. My anxiety and anger toward him multiplied today. Ugh. I was doing so good. Now I’m back to obsessing and thinking what I would say to him if I run into him. Gotta stay strong.


For what it is worth, you are not alone. I too faltered and a allowed myself to get sucked into a pissing match. I was allowing him ten minutes, which resulted into an hour and one half. There was the blame game. There was the talk of how I did not really ever love him because I broke up with him. Then came the manipulation and the hateful remarks to try and hurt me once more. Then I explained that I know his who game and that he is a sociopath. I am not sure but he somehow did not take offense to me calling him a sociopath but if I call him crazy he gets angry. He then set demands on me if we were to get back together. I told him it would never happen. He knows the jig is up.

It is so hard to make the break. I know he is bad for me. I removed everything last week from the house so the chances of him coming back are slim to none. He was furious where I left the belongings. We also had a fight last week when he pulled one of his hateful routines on me. He was sitting on the back patio when this occurred. I took the hose and hosed him down. He did not think I would do it. I probably would not have but what he had done early and then again I decided he was way too hateful and he needed a cooling off. I believe this was when I began turning a corner.

He called tonight and we talked about nothing. Said good bye and that was that. He may or may not call again. One thing is for sure. He is not going to dictate my life. He is too expensive for me and he has nothing to offer me. I just need to wean myself off him. No more intimacy for sure. My friends think I should hate him. I don’t. If I were to hate him it would never end. For me it just needs to die a slow death and I will be done.


For what it’s worth…No contact is the way. Block, delete, deactivate, numbers, texts, and social media. No contact is for us, to get clarity and peace and ultimately to heal.

Every contact is like starting back over.

When your ready. They will not change.


Stay strong.



Thanks, I know all of it to be true and it does work. The finality of anything causes me deep distress. I believe it stems from when I was a little girl and continued as I suffered losses in my life. I don’t do well with separation. It took 5 years for me to settle down after my husband died. I still miss him terribly and if he is looking down on me he would be disappointed in me. I am disappointed in me and can’t stop kicking myself around for what I got myself into and the time and energy I exhausted on this man.

Thanks for replying.

I will try to get strong.


Remembertoforget, I completely agree that no contact is the best way. I have kept no contact for a while now but it was hard starting out. I would block and then unblock him, feel bad and convinced myself that I was reading too much into his actions” what does it hurt to leave the channel open and hear from him occasionally? Maybe he HAS changed and I won’t know unless I can reach him and he can reach me.

Except it does hurt you and s/he won’t change.

One of my very good friends is against blocking exs, she thinks that the ultimate ability to move on is to have an ex contact you and it’s not a big deal. And part of me agrees with her–except sociopaths are not normal people. S/he does not want you to move on, does not want you to be healthy, wants you to want him/her, not because there is a real future but because it gives them supply.

It sucks to realize I was manipulated and lied to, and that the relationship was not what I thought it was. I thought that one day he would realize all his mistakes and come back begging me. Even now with kids, that he would realize what he lost.

I am stronger for blocking him and continuing to move forward. It is not easy and I have days where I wish it didn’t have to be like this. You are right that every contact is like starting over. And you can only do it when you are ready. Thank you.



I too have always had a hard time letting people go. Always.

I was with him just shy of a year. I tried to break up every other week once the mask slipped. He was constantly crying or begging or telling lies.

The aftermath was worse, the hoovering- it took a few months to cut my lines of communication 1 by 1.

I have been doing inner child work lately and I finally get it.

When you are ready- I can give you some resources. I find it all to be a process. You are fresh out.

It’s been 4 months since he has had not one way to contact me. 8 since the split.

I am finally getting/over it.

Hope some of this helps.


I spent the night tossing and turning and have gotten little sleep in the last two weeks. I too broke up with this man on numerous occasions. This is the first time I blocked his calls. I don’t miss his insidious calls where he would constantly accuse me of something which would infuriate me. He enjoyed it I am sure.

Today I realized that in the last two weeks I filled my gas tank once, and my grocery bill is 1/3. I was filling my tank twice a week and the EZTag was charging my card twice a month when I would have to recharge every few months. He was a tremendous drain on my bank account as he was always in turmoil of some sort.

The next few weeks I will spend cleaning out my house and cleaning out my head. I pray for strength as I just came from the doctor and the report was not good. The doctor says that most of what he sees certainly can be brought about by stress. I know it was affecting my health badly and my hair is so thin and keeps falling out. How do we let another human being do this to us?

Thanks for reinforcing everything. I sure do need it.



I so relate to everything you wrote in this post. I lost nearly 15lbs, and was in the double digits category. Had to cut my hair because it thinned so badly. I didn’t sleep, was jumpy, irritable, and cried at that drop of a hat. I felt like a scared white rabbit, trapped. I lost my job because I simply could not keep up, plus I am sure I acted like a crazy woman. My co-workers told my boss they thought I was taking ‘drugs’. I wasn’t. I just couldn’t eat or sleep, so I looked like hell.

And I had no money left after saving him and ‘helping’ him with his ‘dream’. I was flat broke. I really get it. After I broke it off I was able to recover, now that I didn’t have to shell out hundreds a month to keep him in the Life.

Keep up the no contact. It REALLY will work for you. It is vital to live through this HELL time, to get to the next step in healing.

It gets better. My life is a complete turn around from where it was when the abuse finally ended.

((Hugs)) Slim



I too lost much weight, I was 95lbs. Sick, stomach aches, and ended up clinically depressed.
My menstrual was all out of whack while with him, I had it every 2 weeks. I had cysts in my breast that you could feel.

I did not react well to him. I have none of those symptoms now.

And I acted like a crazy child over his retarded-ness and absurdities.

All of it. Except I didn’t have money to drop.

This site is a God send. They have helped coach many of us back to peace, and with our own processing. I too had wounds he exposed.

You are not alone, and you can heal.




My heart goes out to you. You have endured far more than me I suppose. However we all feel our experience is far more monumental because it happened to us. Let me rephrase that, we allowed it to happen to us. I took the bait hook, line and sinker and even fed him more to use against me because I fell head over heels over this ignorant ass. His command of the English language was just good enough to perpetrate his dirty deed on me. My daughter once said to me, “how the hell do you understand him?” Amazing, I forced myself to understand him, forgave him for a lot because I thought A. language barrier, B. cultural barrier. Boy did I give him leeway.

Today his family contacted me on Facebook. After having a go around with them and his wife, yes his wife I unfriended them. They tried to say it was the “idiot”. I unleashed everything on the son. Then the wife got on. She can’t write English. Here is a sample (you no take maj son am no take you kic you krezi ever wat you saymi luck may lojil Nancy never take may family never saymi picture tugeddo may hazben saymi amsori a you take may family aym no kreyzi aym fins tocing as you pey seks as may hazben) Nancy is the girlfriend before me. You see they know about all his girlfriends. The one they mention early on is Angelica. The more they talked the more they hung themselves. There is a definite pattern. You see I became friends with a relative in Germany and we communicated. I have many pictures of us together and they want me to remove them. I am not because I believe this idiot and his family are all in on this scam. They may perhaps be Gypsies (functioning working gypsies). There was a few times this thought entered my mind and when I brought up the topic of gypsies and talked about experiences I had growing up with gypsies he got all defensive. I said what is your problem? Are you a Gypsy? He said he was not, but knew many Gypsies. This prompted me to read up about Gypsies and how they originated and where they came from.

All of this believe it or not is part of my healing process. Even though I communicated with them, it helps to put it all into perspective for me. He is pathological for sure. The sad thing for me is that I analyzed him early on and I still got bit.

I probably would have gone for broke had I not come out of my coma last week. This is week two. Still rough but I will make it. You should be proud of yourself, you have come a long way baby. Good Luck to you from now on.



Thanks for the empathy. At this point I am really over it. Mostly I shared what I have been through in the hopes you would feel less ashamed about what you have been through. We have ALL of us ‘given ourselves away’ in some sense, when it comes to psychopathic manipulation and abuse. We have all stepped outside of our common sense, our intuition, and our values….to try and be with these people.

As for me enduring ‘more’. I also endured far ‘less’ than many. The point really being that our suffering fills us, no matter the amount; and we are entitled to feel ‘fully’ our own experience and the suffering that entails. Any comparing our suffering to others’, in my view, only slows our progress through our suffering.

Pain is pain and deserves to be examined and lived and healed on it’s own accord.

As for your facebook contact with his family. So long as this does not increase your despair, I totally get it. I also had some contact with a few other women who had been conned by S. It was VERY validating for me, and not at all a trigger. So I hope this helps you distance yourself even further.




Yes, yes, and yes. We are not dealing with the average person.

I have exs that I can have a friendly conversation with and be just fine.

It all is baffling at first, but the more time NC, and the more focus we put on ourselves and our healing- such as, how did they make me feel…and identifying those feelings, can we transform the experience.

I didn’t want to close the last line- the email, but I thought, this is dumb…peeking into my old address to read his emails, even though I stopped replying.

Like we said- when we’re ready. We all process at our own pace. I felt like I wasn’t ready to let him go, but now I finally am there, I have arrived at myself. I wouldn’t even want a friend like that.

Stay strong!!



Remembertoforget, so true. Even today when i think about how I wish it could have been different, i think about what’s really driving me–feeling lonely or tired or still bewildered about how I got involved in this to begin with. By focusing on me and what I want and need versus what he is doing and why has made a huge difference in how i feel and to move on.

Again, not easy. And there are times where I still feel jealous of the relationship he is in and question why I was not good enough.

I saved this on my phone in case I need a reminder: “When sociopaths move on to new targets, you may want to feel sorry for them, but not jealous. No one lives happily ever after with a sociopath. All involvements are bad; it’s just a matter of how much damage the sociopath inflicts.”

It’s only a matter of time before the next woman is left with pieces, and sadly with kids who are innocent. So in that sense I do feel sorry.

It’s not an easy road and it takes time and commitment to move on. You can do it.



That’s great keeping that info in your phone. I saved so many memos in my phone.

I would get tripped up about the jealousy and such too. I identified feelings of not good enough, not appreciated, not valued. They say these feelings come from unhealed childhood wounds that get triggered.

Also, our ego gets all mixed up through this crap. It’s not true- any of it. We are valuable, we are good enough.

I pray that each and everyone of us here, finally gets there. Gets to that inner knowing and healed state.

Have you journaled? For about 4 months I journaled through all the anger. I wrote whatever came to mind…telling him off etc.

I ended up burning them, as they no longer served me.

There is a light at the end of the tunnel, and it’s coming.



Remembertoforget, I have journaled, have a great therapist and do others things to ease anxiety. All of those things have helped a lot to move past this horrible experience. It takes quite a bit of effort but there are ways to keep moving forward when you are ready. It took time and was and still is sometimes not easy.


One thing that the wise people told me here, and i’ve read several times is…don’t look them up, don’t look at their social media don’t look at the new target/victim, don’t talk to his friends or family. All it does is make it harder for US.

I find this to be the most helpful of all.

All it does is feed them.


I had to revisit your post of the no contact rule. I know now how important this is as I allowed him once more to say cruel things that hurt. Then I play those records in my head which cause me more distress.

You asked me why I felt compelled to return his things. I think because in some way I want him to think of me when he wears these clothes. But, then I realize this person has no feelings for anyone and is the supreme actor. He played me like a fiddle and this has me so angry at myself.

I the last week I saved over $500.00 in what I may have expended while he was with me in any given week. I suppose it will take a year to recoup what I spent on this man.

As the days pass I am putting the distance I need between us. I am reflecting on the last week with him and I remember there was one day when he touched me my skin crawled. I let it go but I believe sub-conscienctiously I was becoming turned off by him. I loved his physical body, but I was not loving the man. I often felt he was very low for allowing me to pay for everything. It was my fault because I thought in the beginning what the heck, I would take a girlfriend out for a meal why not him. But then it got out of hand as he just expected it all the time. Then he began asking me for money. This sickened me. Because then I started to believe he would be using my money to treat someone else. Venting here is allowing me to revisit things that were troubling me with this relationship but I still kept going back for more. I am too ashamed to tell all of it. I was a first class fool.


One of the things I did to find my way back to reality was to begin with the truth. No more excuses. No more lies. Not allowing me to excuse bad behavior from him and not allowing him to lie to me. To thine own self be true is what I have on my mirror. That means two things, to not lie to myself, and to be faithful (true) to myself.

So I will be truthful to you.
You are NOT a first class fool. Perhaps you feel that way. BUT the truth is … you are NOT. Further truth is you’re a good person. You said it yourself. You’d treat a girlfriend so no reason not to treat him. This is the behavior of a good hearted person.

The problem was, he wasn’t a good hearted person back to you. Oh, I imagine he talked the talk, and for a bit, he walked the walk. But eventually his true nature peered it’s ugly head. He played you, played on your good heart, played as far as he could without revealing himself. Until the real him showed up.

The day he make your skin crawl? That was the day your subconscious and your conscious met and said YUCK. He IS low, he scammed you for money like an ATM. That’s not what friends do, it’s not what someone who loves you does. It’s what a lowlife does to the person he is “playing” for all he can get.

It’s easier for us to see the evil in others than to see the evil in our relationships. So I hate him, the man that did this to you. I feel such rage and anger against him.

I hate him easier than it was to hate my ex. And while I HATE what my ex did, I don’t hate my ex. But I KNOW him, and that’s enough for me to have nothing to do with him ever. He taught he about the worst of humanity, and I do so envy all those millions of people all around me that will live their entire lives never having to had to learn the depth of evil in this world. They get to live with peace and joy in their minds, and not have to fight to retain that peace and joy every time the meet someone that triggers a memory of him/his family/his minions.



I know this post is directed at Jan7 but I want to chime in and say please, please, please…you are not a fool. You were fooled. I remember telling S ‘you made a fool of me’, and he grinned and said ‘yeah, another woman I dated said I like to do that, but I don’t’.

Please know that many of us can look back and feel like we ‘acted the fool’. I know I did. I did quite a number of things that were really out of character for me. This is NORMAL when we are being manipulated to violate our own boundaries. This is a game for them, to take us out of our own integrity, and leave us dripping with shame for having been lured into the game.

I figure in 9 months I dropped about 25,000.00 on S. Some of it loaned, some given, none of it ever returned. I acted like a teenager, dressed provocatively, and missed work/friends/responsibilities. I felt like I had been given a chance to live a life with ‘no consequences’. Like I was foot loose and fancy free. My personal weaknesses did work against me. And, he exploited them for his own gain.

The deal is I had weaknesses before I met him, and was in a 13 year relationship. My 13 year partner NEVER exploited my weaknesses, instead choosing to behave supportively so I could grow and learn. My current husband never pushes me, or manipulates me to act out of accord of my own value system, or against my own interests.

Just food for thought. We are who we are. We are hardwired to respond in some pretty predictable ways to love and stress and manipulation. Having our humanity ‘used against us’ is a HUGE betrayal.



Hi Catnoch, hugs to you tonight…I hear your emotional pain in your post.

I think the biggest thing to realize when it comes to a sociopath is they do not have a conscience. They literally do not care who is buying them clothes to wear, or pay their bills or give them sex or what ever else they want, they only care that they have conned people into providing all that they desire.

When your ex puts on the clothes that you bought him, he does not think “I miss her” or “she was a nice person” or “I should have treated her (you) better”…nope he is just looking in the mirror thinking he looks good and will be able to catch a new victims in his web of deception very quickly.

Glad that you did a calculation about how much you saved over the week. That is a huge amount. This is a HUGE lesson too to know that you can be nice to someone without give them anything…these are the kid of people you want in your life…the kind that don’t expect anything from you materialist but instead just want to spend quality time with a nice person.

Good place to be when you think about him “touching you and your skin crawls”…NOW you are seeing him for exactly who he is an evil evil predator!!

My ex too asked for money quickly just after I moved in to his place (which by the way I didn’t even want to move in with him he just can talk anyone and everyone in to his con game)

Catnoch, the important thing right now is to realize that your mind is waking up to all the mental games he played on you…this is really a great place to be because you will not be sucked into his game ever again if simply watch someones actions and not listen to their words.

Remember the old saying “Actions speak louder then words”….this is especially true when dealing with a sociopath they are all words and ZERO actions. Your ex was all words while you backed your words up with kind deeds.

You state “I am too ashamed to tell all of it”……Another important thing to realize is not to feel ashamed what so ever. These guys can suck ANYONE AND EVERYONE into their con game. Steven Hassan author of Freedom of Mind and who is a cult & domestic abuse expert states in his book that anyone and everyone can get sucked into a con artist sociopaths game. He states that someone especially who has had a life change recently such as a divorce, death in the family,, move, new job, going off to school, empty nest. Why this time? because your guard is down dealing with the life change and a sociopath can spot a person in this vulnerable state 100 miles away.

The sociopaths will push everyones boundaries to get what they want but also for total control over someone….for instance if a victim is religious they may push sexual deeds to control the person to make them feel like they are not pure or good. This is the power & control that these sociopaths want over someone. What ever he did that you don’t want to express here will not shock us but will sadden us. We all here at Lovefraud have heard so many stories about what these evil sociopaths have done to their victims. So if you ever feel like you want to set your mind fully free please know that no one will judge you here and you will get so much support. But I want you to know also that there is no pressure for you to tell your full story.

If you want to tell it but don’t want to post it here on lovefruad then you might want to go to your local abuse center for free counseling….they have heard so many stories also and will not judge you. Sometimes the best way to heal is to get it out of your mind with a counselor, or here on a support site or just a home journal.

You were your ex’s target from the second he laid eyes on you…he played you to get info out of you when you first met him so that he could manipulate you into a relationship with him. NOW you know what to avoid when you meet someone and now you will listen to your gut instinct just like an animal does in the African Safari when they are running from a lion.

Notwhahesaidofme & Silmone have very good words of wisdom for you glad they weighted in also 🙂

Hugs to you 🙂


Good Evening All:
I want to thank each of you (Slim, Not and Jan) for your posts. I know this is a hard road to travel until I become mentally free from him. The hurt is so deep I cannot stand it at times. I am barely functioning. I am not sure, but when I was younger I was not such a weakling and baby. I would be angry for five minutes and move on. I dated idiots in my young years and may have felt some hurt, but nothing stung like this.

The worst thing for me was having a sort of routine. That routine is now broken and going back to life as it was is so hard. But, this sociopath had me on a string and he reeled me in and out at his convenience until one day I started demanding certain things. He acquiesced most times, but I believe he was having issues because he was losing his control. I have many of his messages and listening to them reminds me what a manipulating, cunning man he truly was. His method is perhaps not unique but he had skill. To bad sociopaths can’t channel their talent into something good.

Thanks for the hugs because I know I sure need them.

All the best to you all!


catnoch, HUGE HUGE HUGS TO YOU tonght hon 🙂

I am so sorry that you are feeling so much emotional pain….been their too…got that tee shirt.

My advise to you to move forward in little steps is:

1) look at the sites adrenal fatigue. org, Drlam. com and read her book & watch her you tube videos under her name. See their symptoms list on each site.

When a person has a break up or a death in the family the body releases larges amounts of cortisol and a victim of toxic relationship has had a large amount of adrenaline & cortisol released into their body….this is what is causing you to be so emotional physically.

Also with the continual stress of a toxic relationship the adrenal glands which regulate the blood pressure, blood sugar, cortisol & adrenaline levels and over 50 hormones all get out of balance.

The sociopath some how knows that the continual stress breaks their victims down so they can control them & prevent them from leaving.

Did you know that most victims that leave a toxic domestic abusive relationship have PTSD?

PTSD is Adrenal Fatigue!!

Look into getting tested for cortisol levels, vitamin & mineral deficiency and hormonal imbalance (all issues with PTSD = Adrenal Fatigue)

The original term for PTSD was shell shock…is that how you feel?

The good news is you can heal your adrenal glands with a good clean diet, vitamin/minerals, hormonal balancing (no big deal creme or pills) and plenty of rest, relaxation and sleep.

To get tested find a good Endocrinologist or bio hormonal specialist (google “bio hormonal specialist with your city name and/or ask friends if they have one)

YES!! This is what sociopaths do they manipulate your routine…and over time they manipulate your memories too. Steven Hassan author of the book Freedom of Mind also states that victims are mind controlled…you were mind controlled just like a cult leader (your ex) does to their cult followers. YOU were a cult follower and your ex was your cult leader. Cult leaders try to erase the persons route to that they do everything that the abuser wants.

So what do you do now? Start your route again…try to move back towards your old self…visit the places you use to go to, go back and walk around your old schools, look at old photo albums to remember who you once were = a strong women. YOU will find yourself again I promise…it takes time….so be very kind to yourself during this difficult time…cry, get angry, get mad, come here and vent, write in a journal. If you have to keep a list of your old routine and start to do it again. This too happened to me…he sucked the life out of me…but I have moved back towards my old self especially one I started the No Contact Rule fully after my divorce.

Stop listening to his messages asap…sociopaths brain wash & mind control their victims even through email, phone messages, text etc…so delete the message & set your mind free!!

Catnoch…you have made so much progress in a short time…let your emotions out your body, mind & spirit will heal faster….I remember days & nights literally crying (sobbing) none stop and when I though I could not muster up any more tears they came once again streaming down my face….but I am glad that I got them out of my body…it’s interesting how the mind & body heal.

I thought the same thing with my ex h…that if he channeled his methods into good he could be a very well rounded good person but the fact is a sociopaths brain literally is different then a normal persons brain…this is well documented with brain scans. They do not nor will they ever be nice or good people their brain will not let them.

Wishing you all the best too!! 🙂

Take care.


Catnoch…I should reframe my thought…delete all his messages unless he threaten you in an email then save only those type emails. If he did not threaten you then delete, delete, delete all the messages.

You know who he is & how manipulative he is so there is no need to listen to his words!!


I did go to the doctor and had my blood tested and also had an EKG. I did not tell the doctor the source of my anxiety, he thinks because I take care of my elderly mother. He asked if it were becoming too much for me. I told him I am fine with it. He pointed out where there is need for concern. He did note how my blood level is up and for a woman this is odd as most woman my age are anemic. He said I should call the Red Cross and donate blood I have so much. This is probably because of all the good meals I was cooking.

With respect to the voice mails I saved only the ones I can use against him if ever need be. Yes, you are correct on all of it. I am suffering from PTSD. My daughter and I were out last night and someone dropped something and I got so scared my daughter looked at me as if to say what is wrong with you. I know I am tougher than that. Everything you describe is so on and explains why I became such a puppet. It is absolutely scary to think I could have been so easily manipulated. I have suffered so much disappointment in my life that I can’t find hatred for this individual. I won’t regard him as my ex because he doesn’t deserve to be in a category of even being an ex anything. He has just been X’ed out of my life. He will never come back or be allowed back. I made sure of this. I just need that healing time and with the help of you all here I am getting better each day. Thanks. Cat.


Catnoch – I laughed when I read your comment that you won’t regard him as your ex because he doesn’t deserve to be in a category of even being an ex anything. Yes, they do require a special category. I think using words like….”my ex” still attaches him to us. For the person I used to be married to (not the SP), I have never refer to him as my “ex-husband”. I always put him in context of “my boys’ dad” if I need to refer to how he is connected to me.

I agree it is hard to figure out how to refer to them in conversation with others. Today, instead of saying he is my ex-boyfriend, I said “you know, the person who used to live at my house”. Exactly….the guy who used to live at my house for free, the guy I spent $100/week on alcohol, the guy who gave me STD’s, the guy who texted he loved me on his wedding day to someone else, the guy who called me an old hag, the guy who didn’t payback a loan, the guy who responded to “casual encounters” on Craigslist while I was out of town, the guy who I told that I would leave my friends and children to follow him to another state, the guy for whom I spent money on hotels, meals, fun, instead of using it for my son’s college tuition,……Ugh. The problem is that I’m still not over him. Ridiculous how brainwashed I still am. I invested so much of me and tried to go waaaaayyyyy outside my comfort zone. Some of that was good for me. I had become too routine, judgmental and frugal for my own good. However, my monumental effort was rewarded with cheating, discard, sharp criticism and lies. That is totally deranged.

Like you, I also do not hate him. I’ve been disappointed and discarded many times in life, and I realize that I play a big part in that…..primarily that I choose the wrong people to be a part of my life. My focus is on healing and learning how to make better decisions and surrounding myself with people that are going to be fun, motivating, affirming, respectful and kind.


Going into week three and feeling so blessed for coming to this site and the support I have received here has eased my anguish. When I read all your stories, I realize we are all on the road to healing and we each find our own methods one way or another of healing.

Additionally, I am fortunate for good friends who I am sure wanted so badly to hit me over the head with a two by four and shake some sense into me while I was involved with this “Sociopath”. They had to endure my fits of crying, the constant anguish of breaking up to only going back with him. I know they were disgusted with me for my weakness and could not understand why I was always going back. Thanks to you all, I know why and the more I read on the subject the better I am feeling about myself.

Reflecting on the day this Sociopath met me, I remember how down I was feeling. It may have been written on my face? I could have put a stop to the whole thing had I thought more clearly from the beginning. Out subsequent meeting was at the same place we met. I had to drive 20 miles to meet him. He was setting the stage from the very beginning. I had arrived 15 minutes late as I was having dinner with a friend and enjoying my time with her. He very subtlety made mention that I was late and I took mental note thinking this guy does not like to wait. Now I know it was the start of his manipulation.

Jan speaks in one of her posts about memory and how through mind control the Sociopath can manipulate your memory. I have always prided myself on my memory, however there are things that I cannot remember about this relationship. I wish this was true for the entire relationship so I could just erase it all together. I do remember the last week very vividly and this serves me just fine.

This sociopath cannot read road signs very well and therefore I was driving him back and forth to my home. There were times we were out and I had too much to drink and I made him drive. He found his way just fine, however he would ask where to turn. I put him to the test one night and made believe I fell asleep. He knew his way and found it all by himself. However, when asked to drive himself here, he would once again feign he was not sure of the way after the 50 or more trips. He was slicker than slick.

Many times he would fight with me and get me angry and I would say, “I can’t do this anymore.” He would always respond with, “You want to broke up?” Yes, broke up! I would alway back down as he knew I would. The last week we went shopping at this International Market that carries many of his ethnic foods “Bosnian”. We were at the cold cut counter when he asked a customer to taste a piece of Italian ham she had just asked to taste. I thought, how brazen? A few seconds later a woman had entered the store who was much larger than I but had blond curly hair but much brassier with heavy roots. He turned to me and said, “Oh there is your sister!” First of all my sister is dead, secondly the woman did not resemble my sister in the slightest. I know what he was saying. He was comparing me to this woman. I was insulted and walked away and began to cry under my sunglasses. He came looking for me and when He saw me crying, held me and kissed me and said he was sorry. I began sobbing harder because I could not get the thought out of my head of what just happened. Although he seem emphatic with his apology, I just could not get past it. I was coming up on the anniversary of my sister’s death of 27 years. He knew all the way home I was still upset and as I was driving it came over me again and I began to cry. I was thinking, “Who does this man think he is? Does he think he is perfect?” I try to pride myself on my appearance and although I may not be a movie star, I think I look pretty decent. I believe this was the beginning for me and knowing that this man had a very cruel streak.

We arrived back at my home where I made him dinner. This sociopath would smoke outside while I cooked or prepared meals. I think in all the times I made meals he was in the kitchen twice offering some help. He was very demanding and believed he should be waited on hand and foot. Once the meal was ready, he invariably would deliberately take his time to get to the table. For me this was infuriating because by now I want to sit and eat. When I finally would sit down, he would ask if I fed my mother. I have been taking care of my mother for 8 years. He knew I fed my mother first. Then as I would just begin to eat, he would always want something else and then say, “Why don’t you sit down and eat?” There were times he upset me that I did not want to eat. Then he would say he was not going to eat if did not eat. Well, on this evening after he was finished eating he got up, sad something hateful and went outside to smoke. As I was cleaning up, I started to become more and more angry. I opened the door and said, “How do you do eat a meal I just cooked and then say something hateful and walk away?” I then went back inside to finish cleaning up. However, I became more angry and then very calmly went outside, took my garden hose, turn it on and then proceeded to hose him down. He was so shocked, got up and walked toward me to get the hose and in a slow motion, I calmly turned it off, put it back and walked inside. He was soaked through and the look on his face said it all. I knew it was over that night. He stripped down to his underwear and walked to the master bath and got into the shower. He first said, “Drive me home.” I said, “Call someone, I am not driving you home.” He got into bed instead. The next day he acted as it never happened. He waited for Monday to begin his torture after he got some pocket money from me on Sunday. He was going to make me pay for that hosing he got. But what he got back was me slamming the door on him for good. It was a week later that I allowed him to speak to me and then that is when it came out. That he could not get over the fact I hosed him down and that no one has ever done anything to him like that in his life.

Funny, I believe I was on the road to recovery before I got on the road. I had bought a book the week prior called “Be Happy” 170 ways to transform your day. Number 160 is, “Set New Goals” It says, all great athletes seek personal bests. It’s a wonderful approach to life. Always seek new challenges, especially those that stretch your capabilities. But remember, it’s not the goal that’s import and: it’s the quest that brings the benefits. I say try try try. “The journey, not the arrival that matters.” ___Paul Theroux. My goal is to do something meaningful within the next few months. What is yours?


Catnoch, you have me laughing out loud after reading this line……

” However, I became more angry and then very calmly went outside, took my garden hose, turn it on and then proceeded to hose him down. He was so shocked…..”

My gosh this is one of the greatest things I have ever hear a victim do to their sociopath mate…BRAVO…STANDING OVATION to you!!!! 🙂

Still smiling…& laughing….I wish I would have done this the week before I left my husband after 12 years of hell with him.

YOU got your closure right there when you calmly put the garden hose back…LOL….Love this sweet revenge!!!

Congrats on 3 weeks No contact!!!! 🙂 🙂 🙂


ps I just want to let you know that you are a wonderful daughter for taking care of your mother for 8 years…not an easy thing to do to have to care for an elderly mother. I also want to say that I am sorry to hear that you lost your sister so many years ago…hugs to you.


Today my friend made sure she spent time with me so I would not get tangled in another mess with him. You see my friends don’t trust me to stay strong but they don’t know me. He tried to call three times today. Once from his cell and twice from pay phones. He left a message that I need to stop paying games and call him. Fat chance! The first time it came up just a number and I answered. As soon as I heard his voice I hung up I thought and my girlfriend and I was conversing when she said did you hang up. I looked at the phone and the red light was still on. We laughed but then I thought I did not want him hearing what we were saying. I think he did not but called a few hours later with his message to call him and quit playing games.

I know he is furious with me that he cannot get even with his mean remarks and manipulation. Unbelievable character. His voice still makes my stomach twinge but I keep reminding myself he is EVIL.

My friends were happy that I hosed him down and ironically two of them referred to it as hosing a dog down. I would never do that to my dog.

Thanks for all the hugs and many hugs back. You got me through this.


Hi Catnoch, so glad you have friends that see him as evil…they is good to have in your corner.

I want to give you a warning though….sociopaths manipulate their victims in the very beginning and then form an addiction in their victims just like a drug or alcohol addiction meaning the sociopath becomes your addiction….this is one of the reasons why a vicim can not just walk away. They use continual phone calls to seal the addiction and other means. They will call you at a specific time or call through the day so that your time is used up with them.

In the movie 9 1/2 weeks the sociopath gives his victim a watch and then tells her (Kim Passenger) to look at the watch at a certain time everyday and think of him…this is forming the addiction that I am talking about. They are very cleaver at how they suck a victim in to an addictive relationship.

Right now you might be enjoying the fact that he is chasing you…but this also might be a addiction method he is using. It’s very dangerous!!

My suggestion is to change you phone number asap. This way you can break free from him because as long as he can call even if you don’t answer the phone he still has mental control over you.

Experts suggest that you change your phone number (none public), email, all social media accounts this is the fully No Contact rule. Block, Block, Block the sociopath!!

If you truly want him out of your life then you have to cut him out of your life.

Wishing you all the best.


catnoch, Jan7, and All…

Boy Jan, you really identified something that totally alluded my consciousness, years ago when I was going through the ‘withdrawl’ phase of the betrayal.

For a brief time I was ‘happy’ that S was trying to contact me. What I didn’t really understand was that knowing he was trying and me not responding was still part of the ‘game’. However, in my confusion I thought this meant that he actually cared about me and felt ‘connected’ Even though every time I listened to his voicemail, or read an email I felt HORRIBLE. It was so painful and depressing. It was very difficult to take back all the control after relinquishing it so thoroughly.

Luckily for me I was here, and I had a friend who insisted I change EVERYTHING and quit any contact. It really helped, and then NO contact really started.

Initially this scared me, as I felt completely cut off from the pattern of contact I had with him, and because I felt like I needed to keep track of him so I would be safe. I worried that not knowing what he was up to would work against me (HA, HA…like I EVER really knew what he was up to!). Plus, once I really went no contact I HAD to face the lie that he was, and that our ‘relationship’ was. I could no longer entertain any fantasy that he cared for me. I also had to come to realize I didn’t even know him, so my own love was misspent. This was a painful process.

But after not too long a time the fear and ‘addiction’ feelings subsided, and I started really being able to put my life back together.


OMG slimone! you also brought me back to the “withdrawl” phase. He would call me, try to see me, take me out and I thought, oh he’s really sorry things worked out they way they did and i FELT BAD for him. Pathetic. I wanted to believe that he felt remorse and regret for his actions, and wanted to be a better person. I convinced myself I was too hard on him and needed to just lighten up. He would try to convince me I looked at the negatives of our relationship while he looked at the positives. Well, that’s probably because I didn’t cheat on him.

It’s another form of love bombing– texting, calling, trying to find any connection that will bring you back into the web. Now I don’t pick up his calls and don’t speak to him when I see him. It’s awkward, I wish it wasn’t like this but it is.

You’re right that the more distance you have the more you clear your mind and realize it will never change.

That just really brought me back and reminded me of the excuses I would make for him. And Remembertoforget, I don’t care anymore either! It’s freedom!!!

Thank you all!


I too would second guess myself – maybe I was wrong about the sociopath, look at the apologies and sad behavior! But without fail if I maintained the grey rock and refused to take the pity bait, the sociopath would turn and unleash a wave of nasty on me. Now that I have taken away the last tool the sociopath had to try to manipulate me, there is no more pretense of being some pathetic misunderstood paragon who would love me forever. The sociopath has moved on to a new game and I hope I am forgotten in the dust.


well said. Sounds like me. I finally have started the NC.


Slim, and you guys,

Me too, same here. It wasn’t until about this month that I stopped wondering if he would one day call my job, because i’m the one that answers. FINALLY, I no longer care!!!


Thank you guys!!!!!!




I know I have this sick addition for him and I am kicking the habit slowly. Today he caught me off guard and used yet another number. Because I was waiting for a call back from someone I picked up. He begged me to listen for one minute. Again he wants back and told me he loves me deep and wanted to know if I still loved him. I told him I can no longer speak with him and his game is over. Once again he was using his tactic of trying to make me jealous and I pointed out I was aware of his tactic. He once again gave an ultimatum and I said GOODBYE!

What I heard in this conversation was a very different voice. It appeared to be more lucid, clear and cunning. When I got off the phone I thought what is he really up to? I believe he wants to get even somehow and desperately trying to manipulate me once more. Also his meal ticket is now cut off and perhaps after two weeks and not getting another hook on the line he will hit two birds with one stone. He gets me back until he is able to secure another sucker and meanwhile get even for what I did to him.

I read an article today that states he may be so angry that one way or another he will get even because he believes I wronged him even though it is the other way around. That the socio/psycho will one way or another get even so it is best to let them think it is they who did the breaking up Also, it said it may take 3 to 6 months to completely get them out of your life. My family will not allow me to be with him ever again. I hate to change my numbers because it is such a pain because I have gotten in trouble with bills and doctors because of it. I don’t know who has my cell or home number. I am pretty strong now and I know what I don’t want.

He was cut out of my life the day I packed him up. He would have to get counseling, leave his family and perhaps get another job to make a few more dollars. Furthermore, I have not forgotten he made my skin crawl. I know there is a danger to even hearing his voice, but now that I am aware of the mechanism and the affects it has had on me, I cannot take the chance of endangering my health further. In time he will give up.

Thanks once again.


Catnoch, your welcome. I am glad that you hear a different voice that appears more lucid, clear and cunning…for me this happened too but I realize now he was that way throughout the marriage but I just choose to turn a blind eye & “work on the marriage”….in divorce court I saw exaclty who he was throughout the marriage = pure pure evil and a pathological liar who would do anything to leave me completely destroyed.

I have never read any article that stated “it may take 3 to 6 months” to get a sociopath out of your life. Everything I have read is cut ties immediately with the no contact rule unless you are in fear of your life then you should have an Exit Plan out of your relationship with the help of a domestic abuse center.

Please read up on the “No Contact Rule” it really will help you to heal faster. I know it is hard to cut all ties as there is a extreme emotional bond with a sociopath that is very hard to break just like an addiction to drugs or alcohol. like some stated in a post below mine (can remember who??) but the withdraw period is not fun but once you are through it life is sooooo much better without the drama & chaos filled sociopath.

Wishing you all the best.

Please ask yourself this question:

What am I getting emotionally with him still calling me?


The answer is that I am lonely and depressed. This life I have is so isolating and he just makes it more pronounced. I can’t seem to do anything that will benefit “me” these days. Just going from day to day listening to voices in my head.


Hi Catnoch, we have all been where you are now. I promise you that you will be whole one day soon.

I too was extremely lonely & depressed during my marriage and when I first left. My ex h had broken me down in spirit and physically I was exhausted from his constant mind games & gas lighting abuse. I thought that I could never walk away because of those reason who would ever want to love me in that shape I was in. He had me thinking in my mind that I could/would never have anyone else in my life…that I would always be lonely for the rest of my life. This is the mental control he gained everyday by breaking my self esteem down…just like your ex has done to you. They are masters at doing these evil games…they want to control their victims so the victims don’t leave them.

When I finally escaped from my ex by packing my car & driving 3000 miles away, found a counselor who told me that truth that my h (now ex) was a psychopath I knew right then and their I was done.

But the mind plays tricks on you when you have been under the mind control of a sociopath. When he did not contact me I wanted him….but when he contacted me I didn’t want him…funny how that works 🙂

I knew he was evil, I knew he was never going to be good to me or anyone else. It was not until I finally went full no contact did my mind see him for who he truly was & at the same I knew that I needed to let go of my idea in my head of how a marriage should be….I was never going to have that kind of marriage like my parents & grandparents with this evil man I had married.

I was lonely. But with time, educating my self on his disorder & a doctor who got my hormones balanced again & who gave me the right vitamins & minerals my body healed from the depression.These things change my thinking!! This is the missing link to fully healing = hormonal/vitamins = heals PTSD = heals adrenal fatigue.

Don’t get me wrong I cried, sobbed, got angry (fully grieving steps) but one day I felt closer to my old self then I had in years. Now I do not feel alone…I am ok to be by myself just like the old days. YOU will get to this point you have only been out a few weeks.

The reason why I ask you these questions is to open your mind up from your abusers mind control. They are exactly like cult leaders and we were their cult followers.

I am glad that you answered back… because you are not alone Catnoch…we are hear for you.

PLEASE look at the symptoms list on these website for adrenal fatigue

Adrenalfatigue. org

Drlam. com

Mialundin. com (watch her you tube videos & read her book)

Stress causes hormonal imbalance & you have been under a tremendous amount of stress from the first day this evil man walked into your life.

PLEASE find a good Enidorcrimologist or Bio Hormonal Doctor who will test you for vitamin/mineral deficiency, hormonal imbalance, & cortisol levels.

You must get your mind out of your head….go out for a walk in a park or your neighborhood and look at the houses, trees & flowers REALLY look at them and say what you like about them…I like the house color…or I love roses or the sky looks pretty.. This is what you have to do to “get out of your head” and for the “day to day listening to voices in my head”.

Look at the site Meetup. com it is a site that list all of your city’s clubs, organizations, groups…find a all WOMEN group and join what ever interest you so that you connect with others. For now avoid the men/women groups because you are very vulnerable and could fall pray to another sociopath.

I am so sorry that you are lonely, depressed & feel isolated. HUGE HUGE HUGS to you…please know we are hear for you hon.

Keep posting here. And every time you feel sad, angry, cry, etc go up to the top of this site and read everything that Donna of LF has posted & watch her videos up there too as they will all open your mind up to the brain washing that your ex did to you.

Take care


I just wanted to add that think about going to your local abuse center for free counseling and free women group meetings they both will help you ten fold.


Hi catnoch, I posted this for “Step” but I think you should also have a look at this list of question regarding Gas lighting abuse:

“”.Gaslighting typically happens very gradually in a relationship; in fact, the abusive partner’s actions may seem harmless at first. Over time, however, these abusive patterns continue and a victim can become confused, anxious, isolated, and depressed, and they can lose all sense of what is actually happening. Then they start relying on the abusive partner more and more to define reality, which creates a very difficult situation to escape.

In order to overcome this type of abuse, it’s important to start recognizing the signs and eventually learn to trust yourself again. According to author and psychoanalyst Robin Stern, Ph.D., the signs of being a victim of gaslighting include:

You constantly second-guess yourself.
You ask yourself, “Am I too sensitive?” multiple times a day.
You often feel confused and even crazy.
You’re always apologizing to your partner.
You can’t understand why, with so many apparently good things in your life, you aren’t happier.
You frequently make excuses for your partner’s behavior to friends and family.
You find yourself withholding information from friends and family so you don’t have to explain or make excuses.
You know something is terribly wrong, but you can never quite express what it is, even to yourself.
You start lying to avoid the put downs and reality twists.
You have trouble making simple decisions.
You have the sense that you used to be a very different person ”“ more confident, more fun-loving, more relaxed.
You feel hopeless and joyless.
You feel as though you can’t do anything right.
You wonder if you are a “good enough” partner—

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