A syndrome called post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) can affect victims of sociopaths. The trauma of losing love, friends, family, possessions and of enduring psychological/physical abuse is the cause of this disorder. To fight the symptoms of PTSD, it is helpful to understand the symptoms and how they relate to loss and trauma.
As I read through the current literature on PTSD, I quickly discovered that there is a fair amount of controversy regarding this disorder. We can actually learn about the disorder by listening to the arguments. The first question on which there is much disagreement is, “What trauma is severe enough to cause PTSD?” There were several editorials by experts disparaging the fact that everything from giving birth to a healthy baby to a boss yelling at an employee is now said to cause PTSD. Most experts are in favor of reserving this diagnosis for people who have suffered truly unusual life experiences, like kidnapping, rape, war, 911, etc.
The problem is that many people do experience severe stress reactions to difficult life circumstances. It remains to be determined what we should call these reactions.
Those of us healing from our relationship with a sociopath often vacillate between accepting the trauma and minimizing it. Thus, the argument about what kinds of trauma are severe enough to cause PTSD has a direct effect on us. The argument can leave us feeling weak, like we should be able to get over this. After all it wasn’t as bad as 911, Iraq or Katrina—or was it?
The second question is “what symptoms constitute PTSD?” The following table shows the most common symptoms seen in a group of 103 British men and women diagnosed by psychiatrists with PTSD (Current Medical Research Opinion, 2003):
| Symptom | Frequency (n=103) |
| Insomnia | 98 (95%) |
| Anxiety at reminder cues | 96 (93%) |
| Intrusive thoughts, images, sounds, sensations | 94 (91%) |
| Irritability | 93 (91%) |
| Poor concentration | 93 (91%) |
| Diminished interest in significant activities | 88 (85%) |
| Recurrent dreams of trauma | 86 (83%) |
| Avoidance of activities or places associated with the trauma | 85 (83%) |
| Foreshortening of expectations about the future | 80 (78%) |
| Detachment from others | 78 (76%) |
| Avoidance of thinking or conversing about the trauma | 75 (73%) |
| Poor appetite | 69 (67%) |
| Hypervigilance | 55 (53%) |
| Startle reactions | 46 (45%) |
| Acting or feeling as if the event was recurring | 37 (31%) |
| Inability to recall parts of trauma (amnesia) | 19 (18%) |
I put up this table because I thought that a number of you would also endorse these symptoms. Notice that “acting or feeling as if the event was recurring” was really not that common. But similar symptoms, like “Intrusive thoughts, images sounds and sensations,” were very common. Amnesia was also uncommon. Startle reactions were only seen in half of the subjects.
A feeling of a foreshortened future is a particularly debilitating symptom because it impairs a person’s ability to plan for the future and leads to a sense of hopelessness. I will expand on this further, but I strongly believe this feeling of a foreshortened future has to do less with our thoughts about our past, and more with our thoughts about our present.
As I look at this list of symptoms, I am struck by the fact that many, many of those writing into Lovefraud complain of these symptoms, particularly nightmares. There is something special about having had emotional involvement with an aggressor that seems to produce nightmares. Since so many have all of the most common symptoms, I think it has to be that the trauma of life with a sociopath is severe enough to cause this disorder in many people.
Here’s where defining exactly what trauma is gets sticky. Rachael Yehuda, Ph.D., said in a recent article published on MedScape, “One of the things that biology has taught us is that PTSD represents a type of a response to trauma, but not the only type of response. It is a response that seems to be about the failure to consolidate a memory in such a way as to be able to be recalled without distress.” Well, this is precisely the definition that is too broad. I personally have a lot of memories that I experience or re-experience with distress. Yet these memories are not accompanied by the list of symptoms in the table above.
For me what made the experience traumatic was the truly life course-changing nature of the trauma. The answer to the question, “Will I ever be the same?” for me defines trauma significant enough to cause PTSD. The trauma that causes this disorder redefines us in a way that is different from other emotionally significant experiences. This trauma strikes at the core of our identity.
The final controversy surrounds the treatment of PTSD. Interestingly, there is no question that medications (SSRIs, particularly Zoloft) are very helpful. The problem is though that when a person goes to a physician and receives a medication, he/she is by definition “sick.” Assumption of a “sick role” or “victim identity” is one of the many factors that slow recovery from PTSD.
Many therapists are of the belief that “debriefing” or retelling the story is necessary for recovery. One group of researchers reviewed the studies on debriefing and concluded that there is no scientific evidence that it prevents PTSD. Instead, the evidence points to post-trauma factors like social support and “additional life stress” being most important.
How can we put this all together? Considering last week’s post, those who experience trauma serious enough to have stress hormone overdose as manifested by dissociation, are likely to also develop PTSD. An examination of the symptoms of PTSD reveals that at the core of the disorder is the fact that the person really doesn’t believe in his/her heart that the trauma has ended. PTSD is about ONGOING, not past, trauma. For those of us whose lives were assaulted by a sociopath, there is ongoing stress. The stress is the social isolation, financial ruin, and threatened further losses long after the relationship has ended. Those who recover from this without PTSD work hard to put the trauma behind them in every way.
Putting the trauma behind you does not mean you can’t take medication to help with the process. It does mean facing those bills, former friends, and other personal issues you want to avoid. Remember AVOIDANCE STRENGTHENS FEAR.
Above all, stop the ongoing trauma by ending contact with the sociopath. Do not assume a sick role, instead, work to stay healthy. Fight to be the person you want to be. Don’t allow this single experience to define you. Make living for today the place you love to be. As Louise Gallagher says in her recent post, “This is, in many ways, the greatest challenge of recovery — to accept the past is simply the route I took to get to where I am today, a place I love to be. The past cannot be changed. It cannot be altered. It cannot be made ‘better.’ It can only be accepted so that it, and I, may rest in peace with what was, eager to accept what is true in my life today.”
Psyche, A good man, worth having would appologize weather he felt guilty about it or not! That is the big difference! In 18 months, I dont think my xP ever said a heartfelt sorry.
The fact that things in his past are always someone elses fault, omg, biggest red flag EVER! Out of all the things you have said, that one really does not set well with me.
No, I do NOT think you are confused, really, you have seen this guy for what he is and you are paying attention to your intuition! WAY TO GO! That is NOT Confusion! If you have been involved with a P in the past, it only shows great clarity and acknowledgement of the fact that the potential of another sicko to enter your life is very low now!
Stand by it Psyche, you will find better men who do not trigger these doubts in you!!
Dr. Leedom, I printed this article after I read it and I’m going to read it over and over again. You answered many of my questions just by reading it. I thought I was losing my mind, hearing voices and getting scared because I have a sister who hears voices, didn’t for 25 years, and now lives in a nursing home, and for some reason, they “can’t help her” and told her “she will always hear them.” I’m not sure if I believe that. As far as myself, I was getting so scared because so many times I can hear the SP I was involved with call my name, say “Hey _____” and it sounds as though he is in the very same room with me. Sometimes, I could swear I hear him right outside my bedroom window talking to me or talking to his SP friend out there (all of this happened in the past) or hearing him out there as loud and clear as I used to say threatening words to me as he did in the past. He does knock on my door occasionally – still – and I’ve been out of the relationship for good this time (I made it through one whole year and two months without going back) – the longest, and it has NOT been easy at all – because we live 7 buildings away and we run into each other at times. Although we are not involved, I still get very angry at times, sometimes I laugh to myself, sometimes I thank God, sometimes I get very jealous when I see his latest victim who he was seeing at the same time as me (they’ve been together for longer than we’ve been apart. I have all kinds of emotions and most of them, I hate, and then I hate myself for ever getting involved with him, but moreso because I took him back sooooooooo many times and did sooooooooooo many good things for him and fell in love with the “nice” person, if there ever was, etc…
But lately, even after all this time, I am starting to have insomnia again, everytime I hear a noise outside, I think it is him or he is looking in my windows or stalking me again, hiding, coming to my door and checking to see if it is locked or not, some of the things he used to do. I feel like he was when he was OBSESSED with me and it scared me so much because he physically abused me too. This guy could be home in his apt., in bed with his girlfriend or not, out with his friends…anywhere…not even home or in the vicinity, but I STILL think he is outside stalking me or he is thinking about me and still wants me…and the sad and most disgusting part of all of this is that lately, I’ve been dreaming about him almost every single night, and in my dreams, he is either verbally, mentally or emotionally abusing me or he is so sweet and kind and kissing and holding me. I’ve been tempted so much lateley to call him, to send him a note, to even ask me if he ever misses me, but then I have to talk myself out of it, and I get angry. I think it is because I am so used to going back to him or calling him every single time the lonliness got so bad and I missed him so much (without one single thought of anything he ever did bad). I think I just wanted him to be in the same room with me, joking, having fun like we used to, and because I do NOT like to sleep alone or even go to bed, I miss him. I think I just miss a body next to me to put my head on his chest and have his strong arm around me, and I felt loved. Do you think it is because I am so used to doing that for 5-6 years, and now that I can’t because he does have a girlfriend, I get angry at him, her and myself for even wanting him. I should thank God she came along because I probably would still be with him. He has never stopped bothering me, but he usually does it when they have a fight or she leaves him, not every day or even every week. I have to admit that sometimes I miss him and when he doesn’t, I feel sad. I was doing so good, wanting to change and recover, and so many, many people here help me, and so do the articles. Why am I reverting back to all of this and why do I want him to bother me and call me like he used to and harass me, why do I want him to knock on my door or leave me roses again, and notes and poems telling me he loves me. I know all about him and that he is a sociopath, and I was doing a lot better, why do I have insomnia again, I don’t want to go to bed, I stay up sometimes all night long, and I constantly hear his voice in my head either inside my apt or outside. I feel as though I am losing my mind and it scares me. Your article helped me a lot and I will read it a lot, but what I want to know is why am I wanting him again and why all of those initial sx on your list are happening to me again after a long time??? I have to admit that I did call him a couple of times and he called the police on me. I remember the days he would call me minute after minute after minute, and I would unplug my phone or pull the cord out, but I never called the police…I should have. Everything he did in the past to harass me, if I do it or did it now, he would call the police. He is so cruel to me. He told her that he absolutely never ever went out with me, that “I am the crazy, stalker, jealous, looney, psychotic woman who has been after him since I moved there.” I think she still believes him, I don’t know, and I don’t care. But how could he lie like that, deny he ever “loved” me, knew me, etc…I don’t want to be associated with ever going out with him, but for somebody who was after me and “cryed” and begged me not to leave him, DAYS before he brought her out in the open and dropped me flat, how could he do that to me, lie about me, and yet, he still bothers me from time to time. I feel as if he builds me up and then he lets me down, just as he did before. Is he manipulating me to provoke me to anger or to call him or to lose my mind…I don’t know…I do know is that I have feelings for him again and I don’t want them, not one of them. In the past, I would falll for his stupid lies, go back, and then two days later hate myself and want out, and then the harassment and abuse would get worse and I would sometimes go back because it was easier. I don’t know. Is PTSD something that happens and then goes away and then comes back again? Or is it because we live so close and each time I see him, the symptoms seem to start all over again. I actually feel jealous and sad that he isn’t pursuing me anymore. At times, I feel this way, but lately, something is going on, and I don’t like it. Could you please give me some advice about PTSD and if this is what I’m going through, am I truly crazy. I am actively looking for a therapist who deals with PTSD. I have two referrals. And, I will be moving to NC where one of my sisters lives, her and her family, but I have to wait until I’m financially able to. In the meantime, I have something to look forward to, but the feelings are so strong again for this nutcase, and I feel SICK to my stomach about it and I DON’T WANT TO START HATING MYSELF AGAIN, ISOLATING, AND GOING BACKWARDS INSTEAD OF FORWARDS. A couple of positive, good things have happened in my life lately to help me to recover and move on, and I was so happy, and then not even a week later, this started all over again. Sorry this is so long. I am going to read all of your articles. Thank you so much, and thanks to all. God Bless.
“Above all, stop the ongoing trauma by ending contact with the sociopath. ”
Today I went to talk to my employer. I have been away from work on a rotational position. It was created to “get me out” off the office where my X-S worked and was in a position over me.
Now after over a year and a half, and after a dozen interviews to try and get a different job, I am having to go back to the environment that broke me, and left my life in ruin.
I was told I was not allowed to even call him MY EX because it would cause too many questions. I was told even though someone else would be giving me my work “for now” that eventually I would be expected to have to work with the SOB like the professional person they knew I was. That is I really wanted to GET WELL from the PTSD, I would make working with him my goal.
What ever, I don’t trust any one in that whole friggin building any more…. guilt by association, and as far as I am concerned, they are sending me back to the he11 I had escaped from. I wont and can’t quit my job with the bills, and the economy the way it is… and if I’m going down, every one in that building can go down with me.
Angy? You betcha. It beats blaming myself for being a victim to someone that my workplace put me directly under. BTW, they talk and talk about how professional he is. ONLY to those he HAS to be that way to. To those who have been his victim, he was anything BUT professional.
Dear Sherry,
I hear your frustration, your anger, your anxiety! (repeat x 1000) I wish I had a “solution” for you. I’ve been in situations where I worked for a psychopath and I couldn’t at the time see how I could SEE IT and the administration couldn’t.
I didn’t have an answer then, I don’t have an answer now. I wish I did.
If you MUST stay in that job, some how, some way, you have got to take control of YOUR REACTION to being close to him. I don’t know the answer on HOW to do so, and all I can suggest is that you see a counselor or therapist to help you cope with this IMPOSSIBLE SITUATION.
Witsend, who is here with a situation about like yours, only with her son who is 17 coming back to live in her house. She is AFRAID of him, and SHE sees how he threatens her but the law, the school, child services etc. won’t help her! She called it the VALLEY OF CLOSED DOORS.
I thought that term was pretty descriptive and it seems that you are in the same VALLEY.
While I realize you are feeling frustrated, in order to function, we can’t change them but we must change our reaction to them. FIND A WAY TO SURVIVE WHAT WE CAN’T CHANGE.
God bless, Sherry. ((((Hugs))))
Dear Alicia, I am not Dr. Leedom, and I don’t really know much about PTSD, but I thought I would answer your post, and share with you some of my experience, strenght, and hope.
I found that, in my last relationship, a totally disfunctional 7 year long, roller-coaster ride; complete with the on- again off-again dynamic, the repeated abandonment and heart-break, the hope and “JOY” of getting back together, the continued dissappointment, and dispair, the hopelessness, the absolute misery, and yet the “YEARNING”….the only way I could deal with it, recover from it was to treat it as an addiction.
It is not at all unusual for you to be re-experiencing your desire for him, at this time.
The little addict in your head is rising up against that part of you that wants to be healthy. Your addiction is throwing you back in denial. You are still hoping and wishing by letting yourself imagine any kind of relief by being with him.
I understand perfectly, the ambivalence you are feeling. You can’t understand why you feel sad when he leaves you alone. You can’t understand why you could possibly want him to stalk you. I felt that way, too. What confused me the most was I knew I didn’t want him, had been through the whole stalking thing before (many times) had given in and taken him back, knew it never worked….really WANTED him to leave me alone…but I still felt sad.
I think it was because it was my denial finally dying an agonizing death. I COULD NOT HAVE WHAT I WANTED.
And boy oh boy, did that ever suck.
Being lonely, and not having a support system is the worst thing you can do to yourself. You NEED TO FORCE YOURSELF to get out and folow through with the positive steps you’ve taken. Going to live near your sister is a wonderful plan, but, you need support, until then.
I used to lie in bed at night, and recite the first three steps, (of the twelve steps of AA) as if it were a prayer. I would say:
God, I am powerless over ###, I am powerless over my feelings for, ###, and my life is unmanagable. I believe you, God, can restore me to sanity. I surrender my will and my life over to you, as I understand you….
Over time my heart healed. And I’m happier than I’ve been in a long time.
I’m not calling you an addict, I just know you are hurting and confused and asking for help. This is my experience.
Please follow through with your DV counseling, and find a way to get to church with your lady freinds…You need friends, and an envirnment that is focused on health and well-being.
Kim That is a very good post to Alicia. Your insight about addiction is so right on. But they manipulated that addiction. It was similar to meth, and I have never seen a meth pill or pipe or whatever but it takes over your life and most meth users dont recover and most die from what I have read. And we survived that addiction to the drug called twilight zone. And speakin for myself I will never be the same person – thank goodness…
Hens, there are so many positives about 12 step programs…. they are free, everybody in the room identifys, they keep you focused on recovery, they help you identify how you set yourself up or contributed to the problem, they help you get through anger, they help you find faith, they keep you focused on the solution… they encourage you and give you a phylosophy to live by…and the best thing is it’s so simple.
And it works. It changes lives.
I just need to go back.
Kim I agree – a friend gave me some alanon books when I was freshly devalued and discarded – they did help – she goes because her daughter was an alcoholic and says it was the best thing she ever did and she continues to go and her daughter has been sober for 2 years now…you had such a positive experience you should go again who knows you may meet somebody ..
….noooo, don’t pick up people in meetings. bad BAD idea.
onestep does that mean if we ever have a LF meeting I cant hit on you?