A syndrome called post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) can affect victims of sociopaths. The trauma of losing love, friends, family, possessions and of enduring psychological/physical abuse is the cause of this disorder. To fight the symptoms of PTSD, it is helpful to understand the symptoms and how they relate to loss and trauma.
As I read through the current literature on PTSD, I quickly discovered that there is a fair amount of controversy regarding this disorder. We can actually learn about the disorder by listening to the arguments. The first question on which there is much disagreement is, “What trauma is severe enough to cause PTSD?” There were several editorials by experts disparaging the fact that everything from giving birth to a healthy baby to a boss yelling at an employee is now said to cause PTSD. Most experts are in favor of reserving this diagnosis for people who have suffered truly unusual life experiences, like kidnapping, rape, war, 911, etc.
The problem is that many people do experience severe stress reactions to difficult life circumstances. It remains to be determined what we should call these reactions.
Those of us healing from our relationship with a sociopath often vacillate between accepting the trauma and minimizing it. Thus, the argument about what kinds of trauma are severe enough to cause PTSD has a direct effect on us. The argument can leave us feeling weak, like we should be able to get over this. After all it wasn’t as bad as 911, Iraq or Katrina—or was it?
The second question is “what symptoms constitute PTSD?” The following table shows the most common symptoms seen in a group of 103 British men and women diagnosed by psychiatrists with PTSD (Current Medical Research Opinion, 2003):
| Symptom | Frequency (n=103) |
| Insomnia | 98 (95%) |
| Anxiety at reminder cues | 96 (93%) |
| Intrusive thoughts, images, sounds, sensations | 94 (91%) |
| Irritability | 93 (91%) |
| Poor concentration | 93 (91%) |
| Diminished interest in significant activities | 88 (85%) |
| Recurrent dreams of trauma | 86 (83%) |
| Avoidance of activities or places associated with the trauma | 85 (83%) |
| Foreshortening of expectations about the future | 80 (78%) |
| Detachment from others | 78 (76%) |
| Avoidance of thinking or conversing about the trauma | 75 (73%) |
| Poor appetite | 69 (67%) |
| Hypervigilance | 55 (53%) |
| Startle reactions | 46 (45%) |
| Acting or feeling as if the event was recurring | 37 (31%) |
| Inability to recall parts of trauma (amnesia) | 19 (18%) |
I put up this table because I thought that a number of you would also endorse these symptoms. Notice that “acting or feeling as if the event was recurring” was really not that common. But similar symptoms, like “Intrusive thoughts, images sounds and sensations,” were very common. Amnesia was also uncommon. Startle reactions were only seen in half of the subjects.
A feeling of a foreshortened future is a particularly debilitating symptom because it impairs a person’s ability to plan for the future and leads to a sense of hopelessness. I will expand on this further, but I strongly believe this feeling of a foreshortened future has to do less with our thoughts about our past, and more with our thoughts about our present.
As I look at this list of symptoms, I am struck by the fact that many, many of those writing into Lovefraud complain of these symptoms, particularly nightmares. There is something special about having had emotional involvement with an aggressor that seems to produce nightmares. Since so many have all of the most common symptoms, I think it has to be that the trauma of life with a sociopath is severe enough to cause this disorder in many people.
Here’s where defining exactly what trauma is gets sticky. Rachael Yehuda, Ph.D., said in a recent article published on MedScape, “One of the things that biology has taught us is that PTSD represents a type of a response to trauma, but not the only type of response. It is a response that seems to be about the failure to consolidate a memory in such a way as to be able to be recalled without distress.” Well, this is precisely the definition that is too broad. I personally have a lot of memories that I experience or re-experience with distress. Yet these memories are not accompanied by the list of symptoms in the table above.
For me what made the experience traumatic was the truly life course-changing nature of the trauma. The answer to the question, “Will I ever be the same?” for me defines trauma significant enough to cause PTSD. The trauma that causes this disorder redefines us in a way that is different from other emotionally significant experiences. This trauma strikes at the core of our identity.
The final controversy surrounds the treatment of PTSD. Interestingly, there is no question that medications (SSRIs, particularly Zoloft) are very helpful. The problem is though that when a person goes to a physician and receives a medication, he/she is by definition “sick.” Assumption of a “sick role” or “victim identity” is one of the many factors that slow recovery from PTSD.
Many therapists are of the belief that “debriefing” or retelling the story is necessary for recovery. One group of researchers reviewed the studies on debriefing and concluded that there is no scientific evidence that it prevents PTSD. Instead, the evidence points to post-trauma factors like social support and “additional life stress” being most important.
How can we put this all together? Considering last week’s post, those who experience trauma serious enough to have stress hormone overdose as manifested by dissociation, are likely to also develop PTSD. An examination of the symptoms of PTSD reveals that at the core of the disorder is the fact that the person really doesn’t believe in his/her heart that the trauma has ended. PTSD is about ONGOING, not past, trauma. For those of us whose lives were assaulted by a sociopath, there is ongoing stress. The stress is the social isolation, financial ruin, and threatened further losses long after the relationship has ended. Those who recover from this without PTSD work hard to put the trauma behind them in every way.
Putting the trauma behind you does not mean you can’t take medication to help with the process. It does mean facing those bills, former friends, and other personal issues you want to avoid. Remember AVOIDANCE STRENGTHENS FEAR.
Above all, stop the ongoing trauma by ending contact with the sociopath. Do not assume a sick role, instead, work to stay healthy. Fight to be the person you want to be. Don’t allow this single experience to define you. Make living for today the place you love to be. As Louise Gallagher says in her recent post, “This is, in many ways, the greatest challenge of recovery — to accept the past is simply the route I took to get to where I am today, a place I love to be. The past cannot be changed. It cannot be altered. It cannot be made ‘better.’ It can only be accepted so that it, and I, may rest in peace with what was, eager to accept what is true in my life today.”
You know, the name of this article, “Will I ever be the same again?” GOD, I HOPE NOT!!!!!
Henry, NO! You cannot hit on her, you and I are “engaged,” remember? Gosh, you guys are SOOO fickle!
hens – you can hit on me all you want….we both know i can be ‘turned.’ 🙂 the spath proved that.
no wait, the spath wasn’t really a boy! snort!
oh crap, now oxy and i have to wrestle for you.
now that would be a sight ~! we could sell tickets to that~!
Oxy would win on metaphors alone, i would gain points by a) tickling her and b) i do have me a few spathy moves. 😉
sherry, OxDrover, & Kimfredrick, thank you for sharing your experiences with me. I feel so selfish now. You have terrible situations also and I know IT IS VERY DIFFICULT for you. It’s always comforting for me to know that there are those who care and understand, but it’s also sad when I hear about other’s because I feel so helpless and I feel your pain and wish I could take it away from you. It is so good that we have LF to pour out our hearts, be heard without judgement, and supported. I’m sorry you’re going through these situations, and I totally understand the frustration when nobody (such as your boss or the police do NOT help at all)! Kim, thank you for sharing your heart with me. You are absolutely correct in all that you say. IT IS DIFFICULT FOR YOU TOO, DEFINITELY. The best is that you are trying so diligently to help yourself recover even though it is not easy, but you are doing it, as you say,one day at a time. You are a positive role model for me, and, I’m sure, a lot of others. I AM AN ADDICT TO EVERYTHING!!! I am a recovering alcoholic, but I still drink occasionally, especially when that nutcase does something to bother me or I hear that he talked about me (lied about me). Sometimes, I take more anti-anxiety meds, go to bed, pull the covers over my head and sleep. After he hurt me BIG TIME (the Final hurt-I hope) a little over a year ago, I did not sleep, I stayed up all night, and I USED FOOD TO TRY TO EASE THE PAIN. I stopped drinking because I KNEW if I did drink, I would probably go over there and do something to him that would land me in jail or in the psych hospital! I was so hurt and angry, but I knew how I would become rageful if I drank and the temptation was there to hurt him (physically) very badly. The thoughts scared me and so did the anger. I scared myself because I never thought I was capable of having such terrible thoughts and I did NOT like them at all! It was like hearing voices!!! When I became so scared to the max, I cried out to God constantly for help and I would repeat Jesus’ name over and over again and I would take one scripture I learned from the Bible a long time ago: “God has NOT given me a spirit of fear, but of Power, Love, and of a Sound Mind.” I need to do that now because I still get angry at him because he still won’t quit! I HAVE ALWAYS HAD AN ADDICTIVE PERSONALITY and I have always found it so difficult to let go of the hurt, as I still do and I CONSTANTLY ruminate about him and her, and what he did, rehash over and over again, and I HATE IT!!! I should be doing what I did then, cry out to God, instead of going to bed and not coming out for days each time he stalks me or lies about me or slanders me, etc…I WISH I COULD LET IT GO, BUT AS SHERRY AND OXDROVER SAID, AND WHAT YOU WENT TO ALSO, IT IS VERY DIFFICULT TO DO WHEN YOU ARE NEAR OR CLOSE BY OR WHEN YOU STILL HAVE TO DEAL WITH THEM AND BE NEAR THEM, VERY DIFFICULT AND FRUSTRATING!!! As far as wanting and longing for him to come back, that changed about two days later when one of my elderly neighbors told me what the SP said to him a couple of months ago about me. This is the same elderly man he threatened a couple of years ago when this very nice gentleman got out of his car on the way to his apartment. The MONSTER saw my neighbor drop me off. I had been at the grocery store, ran into my neighbor, and he asked me if I would like a ride home, and I was so happy to get a ride home because it was freezing cold with a lot of snow on the ground. It was a blessing! I was NOT even with the SP at the time. It was one of those periods when I used my brain instead of my stupid emotions. He was with his scumbag brother (who, by the way, enjoys beating and slicing his girlfriends) and he and I were NOT together. My neighbor gets out of his car and the SP (stalker) that he is must have seen him drop me off. He went over to my neighbor and said: “STAY AWAY FROM HER, SHE’S MINE.” When I found that out, I was FURIOUS!!! My neighbor actaually thought we were in a relationship and he apologized to me. He also told me that he said to the monster, “I ONLY GAVE HER A RIDE HOME.” What a disgusting person to threaten an elderly man and threaten him and POSSESS me the way he did when he was living with and doing all he was doing with those prostitutes. This time, SP went over to him and asked him if he had a girlfriend. My neighbor asked SP why he wanted to know. SO SP SAYS TO HIM, “DO YOU WANT ____ (me)? and my neighbor told him NO. Then SP said to him (this is the best) “YOU CAN HAVE HER IF YOU WANT BECAUSE I BROKE UP WITH HER.” OK!!! Again, I wanted to march right over there and choke him and kick his girlfriend’s a___ too (who is a lot like him). Who does he think he is, a matchmaker or something and what right does he have to try to fix me up? Could this possibly be GUILT? I DON’T THINK SO BECAUSE SPs FEEL NO GUILT. I DON’T KNOW HIS REASONING, BUT I WISH HE WOULD JUST STAY OUT OF MY PERSONAL LIFE AND LEAVE ME ALONE AND NOT EVEN MENTION MY NAME AT ALL!!! THIS IS THE 2ND MAN HE HAS TRIED TO FIX ME UP WITH SINCE HE LEFT ME, THE OTHER ONE IS A SCUMBAG TOO!!! HOW DARE HE DO THIS TO ME!! I was so angry and I still am. I know that I can’t say anything to him, contact him, go over there, etc. because he will call the police on me as usual so what did I do…I punished myself (as usual) self-sabotaged myself AGAIN and went to the package store and drank for three days straight, which caused all the stomach problems I have to act up and the depression to get worse and the worst, I stayed in the house for a whole week in beautiful weather!!! So that took care of the longing. I ran into him once I decided to come out of the house. I acted like I didn’t even see him and I kept walking, reading my mail, and smiling! There was another day when I was walking home and he yelled out, “hey, look at that beautiful body.” Uggh! I HATE HIM; I KNOW I’M NOT SUPPOSED TO, BUT I DO. I wanted to go after him again, but I didn’t. Today, before I came into the library to use this pc, I ran into his STUPID girlfriend and she gave me looks to kill!!! I still can’t believe she is with him after all she knows about me and so much more, the letters I wrote to her, the cheating she knows he did and is still doing, etc., etc., etc…but I guess she is like me – she overlooks like I did. One good thing she has is a car so she can get away from him. I didn’t have that luxury so every time I left him, the harassment was worse than the abuse at times and I gave in. My emotions are still up and down, I hate him, I’m lonely so I want him, I hate him, etc………..Good thing he has a girlfriend because when I drink and get lonely I would be calling him just like I did for 5-6 years and then he would have the power over me again, I would hate myself again, and he would drop me for her again, and I would be in a worst situation. I cried so much this morning because I am so depressed and lonely. I miss my family and I want to move down south so badly. I am craving love so badly and I just want to be with my family and be hugged and just be near them. I will try to do the 12 steps. I ran into a counselor of mine from the past just last week. She told me to call AA and get a new book. Isn’t that a coindence? I like to believe it is God working in your life and mine. Thank you and keep doing what you’re doing. God sees you taking the steps toward Him for His help and he will take a lot more steps to help you. You are a blessing. Remember: when we are weak, He is strong. He gives strength to the weak. We are all weak, that’s why we need Him, right. He loves you so much. thank you. Keep up the good work on your recovery. I am here for you and so is everyone else. God Bless You.
Dear Alicia,
I’m glad that you are working on yourself. We can’t help them, or fix them, but we can take care of ourselves.
I’m glad that you believe God is working in your life and I agree with your counselor about calling AA and hopefully getting some support from them as well. Havning someone there for you will be a big benefit.
You can hold on to your power again, and take charge of your own life and feelings! Keep on working the 12 steps! (((hugs)))) and God bless.
just lost a big post – library copmputer.
today is horrid.
huritn gphysically, emotionally and very alone.
had a meeting with the job counselor to help me with something i forgot she was really bad at helping with. left feeling like very unhleped and very alone.
i went this am to the food bank and there was little there past beans and lentils. my arthritis is flaring and it hurt to haul them home. someone had suggested this bood ban kbecause they have clothes too,and no intake – but there was hardly any food, so now i have to arrange an intake at the other food bank.
i feel very alone. my computer is offline making the job search so difficult. and cutting emoff from some of my lifelines.
ctying at the library now. i have to go to meet my old boss in a few minutes. wish i had cancelled that earlier. not in any shape to have to be busssinesslike.
if the library is still open after my meeting, i will try to get back online.
best,
one step
if
Dear One Step,
I hope the library is still open after your meeting. I want to know that you are ok. And I want you to know that you are not alone – we are all here for you.
hugs and hold on…something will give….it will. xoxo
One,
Be brave, be here.
Let us know you are there.