A syndrome called post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) can affect victims of sociopaths. The trauma of losing love, friends, family, possessions and of enduring psychological/physical abuse is the cause of this disorder. To fight the symptoms of PTSD, it is helpful to understand the symptoms and how they relate to loss and trauma.
As I read through the current literature on PTSD, I quickly discovered that there is a fair amount of controversy regarding this disorder. We can actually learn about the disorder by listening to the arguments. The first question on which there is much disagreement is, “What trauma is severe enough to cause PTSD?” There were several editorials by experts disparaging the fact that everything from giving birth to a healthy baby to a boss yelling at an employee is now said to cause PTSD. Most experts are in favor of reserving this diagnosis for people who have suffered truly unusual life experiences, like kidnapping, rape, war, 911, etc.
The problem is that many people do experience severe stress reactions to difficult life circumstances. It remains to be determined what we should call these reactions.
Those of us healing from our relationship with a sociopath often vacillate between accepting the trauma and minimizing it. Thus, the argument about what kinds of trauma are severe enough to cause PTSD has a direct effect on us. The argument can leave us feeling weak, like we should be able to get over this. After all it wasn’t as bad as 911, Iraq or Katrina—or was it?
The second question is “what symptoms constitute PTSD?” The following table shows the most common symptoms seen in a group of 103 British men and women diagnosed by psychiatrists with PTSD (Current Medical Research Opinion, 2003):
| Symptom | Frequency (n=103) |
| Insomnia | 98 (95%) |
| Anxiety at reminder cues | 96 (93%) |
| Intrusive thoughts, images, sounds, sensations | 94 (91%) |
| Irritability | 93 (91%) |
| Poor concentration | 93 (91%) |
| Diminished interest in significant activities | 88 (85%) |
| Recurrent dreams of trauma | 86 (83%) |
| Avoidance of activities or places associated with the trauma | 85 (83%) |
| Foreshortening of expectations about the future | 80 (78%) |
| Detachment from others | 78 (76%) |
| Avoidance of thinking or conversing about the trauma | 75 (73%) |
| Poor appetite | 69 (67%) |
| Hypervigilance | 55 (53%) |
| Startle reactions | 46 (45%) |
| Acting or feeling as if the event was recurring | 37 (31%) |
| Inability to recall parts of trauma (amnesia) | 19 (18%) |
I put up this table because I thought that a number of you would also endorse these symptoms. Notice that “acting or feeling as if the event was recurring” was really not that common. But similar symptoms, like “Intrusive thoughts, images sounds and sensations,” were very common. Amnesia was also uncommon. Startle reactions were only seen in half of the subjects.
A feeling of a foreshortened future is a particularly debilitating symptom because it impairs a person’s ability to plan for the future and leads to a sense of hopelessness. I will expand on this further, but I strongly believe this feeling of a foreshortened future has to do less with our thoughts about our past, and more with our thoughts about our present.
As I look at this list of symptoms, I am struck by the fact that many, many of those writing into Lovefraud complain of these symptoms, particularly nightmares. There is something special about having had emotional involvement with an aggressor that seems to produce nightmares. Since so many have all of the most common symptoms, I think it has to be that the trauma of life with a sociopath is severe enough to cause this disorder in many people.
Here’s where defining exactly what trauma is gets sticky. Rachael Yehuda, Ph.D., said in a recent article published on MedScape, “One of the things that biology has taught us is that PTSD represents a type of a response to trauma, but not the only type of response. It is a response that seems to be about the failure to consolidate a memory in such a way as to be able to be recalled without distress.” Well, this is precisely the definition that is too broad. I personally have a lot of memories that I experience or re-experience with distress. Yet these memories are not accompanied by the list of symptoms in the table above.
For me what made the experience traumatic was the truly life course-changing nature of the trauma. The answer to the question, “Will I ever be the same?” for me defines trauma significant enough to cause PTSD. The trauma that causes this disorder redefines us in a way that is different from other emotionally significant experiences. This trauma strikes at the core of our identity.
The final controversy surrounds the treatment of PTSD. Interestingly, there is no question that medications (SSRIs, particularly Zoloft) are very helpful. The problem is though that when a person goes to a physician and receives a medication, he/she is by definition “sick.” Assumption of a “sick role” or “victim identity” is one of the many factors that slow recovery from PTSD.
Many therapists are of the belief that “debriefing” or retelling the story is necessary for recovery. One group of researchers reviewed the studies on debriefing and concluded that there is no scientific evidence that it prevents PTSD. Instead, the evidence points to post-trauma factors like social support and “additional life stress” being most important.
How can we put this all together? Considering last week’s post, those who experience trauma serious enough to have stress hormone overdose as manifested by dissociation, are likely to also develop PTSD. An examination of the symptoms of PTSD reveals that at the core of the disorder is the fact that the person really doesn’t believe in his/her heart that the trauma has ended. PTSD is about ONGOING, not past, trauma. For those of us whose lives were assaulted by a sociopath, there is ongoing stress. The stress is the social isolation, financial ruin, and threatened further losses long after the relationship has ended. Those who recover from this without PTSD work hard to put the trauma behind them in every way.
Putting the trauma behind you does not mean you can’t take medication to help with the process. It does mean facing those bills, former friends, and other personal issues you want to avoid. Remember AVOIDANCE STRENGTHENS FEAR.
Above all, stop the ongoing trauma by ending contact with the sociopath. Do not assume a sick role, instead, work to stay healthy. Fight to be the person you want to be. Don’t allow this single experience to define you. Make living for today the place you love to be. As Louise Gallagher says in her recent post, “This is, in many ways, the greatest challenge of recovery — to accept the past is simply the route I took to get to where I am today, a place I love to be. The past cannot be changed. It cannot be altered. It cannot be made ‘better.’ It can only be accepted so that it, and I, may rest in peace with what was, eager to accept what is true in my life today.”
Silver –
I will get a hold of the book that you recommend, plus will read the articles. You made a comment about fearing “all the horrible things that could happen” to yourself. I can relate to that. My concern is that my husband will be arrested one day and I will be so embarrassed, having had enough to deal with already. I live in hyper-alert mode, putting out fires. I’ve got children and I do not want them to experience a parent being in jail. I grew up “in the suburbs” too, never having to personally live up-close to a criminal. You are not alone, being able to sympathise with your situation, knowing it’s hard. I’m struggling every day with my emotions, trying my best to get even-keeled. There are times when I want to quit, wondering why I bother to go on, feeling that all I do is get slammed. All I want is a peaceful, normal existence, no DRAMA. I had the thought this morning while I was driving home from work, “don’t feed the beast of fear”, being consumed by fear, apprehension most days. I lack the resources to handle most things now. Take care.
Buttons –
Like you, I have promising days and not-so promising days, too often getting sucked into the vortex of despair. My family can’t stand my husband due to all of his nonsense, usually costing me what I don’t have. He knows how to throw money out the window. No-one can afford to be married to a spath (eg. financially, emotionally, etc.) – they’re trouble with a capital T. I’m done. I want things to get better for all of us immediately.
Just want to relay some thoughts about PTSD, I experience all the symptoms and I really didn’t think it was possible to have this unless something violent happens to you. When someone touches me and I’m not expecting it, I jump or flinch. Even if it’s a friend I’ve know for awhile. It’s possible I have this, I’ll have to ask my therapist.
Another note, on a narcissism blog it was recommended to watch gaslight, I started to get really anxious remembering some really bad times that husband tried to get me to believe something that wasn’t true. He would tell me he loved me more than anyone in the world and why he wouldn’t lie to me. I cried and cried and he doted on me, asked me what I needed, brought me lunch in bed, rubbed my legs. Then when I asked him to take a lie detector test, he changed, flipped like a switch, “what the f*** do I have to do”. He changed, when I went away for a girls weekend after that, that is when he called my mom for an intervention for me.
I couldn’t finish the movie, as I think about it now, I still feel my heart racing.
Gosh, that last post sounds so fragile and pathetic, I have GOT to pull it together!
Dear Hopeforjoy,
Youre right, PTSD doesnt only happen after something violent happens to us, but also after experiencing severe emotional abuse or just a total shift of our balance and being/feeling grounded after experiencing a relationship with a toxic person.
Fragile is something that becomes a given as we begin to find our way on our own again — or sometimes even for the first time.
But “pathetic” is not what you are or any of us… we are just learning how to react and deal and pull it together. Its SO not easy, but its possible. Its taking one day at a time and believing and knowing the truth of what they are all about and what we will no longer allow in our own lives.
Youre going to get through this and you will be okay! We get stronger as we go…hard to envision but as long as we keep going and working through it we become less and less fragile… hang in there!
Dear Hope,
Learning is so right, and KNOWLEDGE=POWER so I suggest that you go back through the articles here and read your way through them all. Also order the books that are recommended here they will help you.
I have a library of books, some are right spot on with relationship to me, and some not so much, but EACH one has contributed to my recovery, but I also know that it is no longer about THEM but about ME. I will not ever be the SAME as I was before all this—AND I AM SO GLAD!!!!! I am changed, and that is OK. I am just like a broken leg, where I have healed I am STRONGER than I ever was before. Sure it hurt, and hurt badly, and took some time to heal, but I learned a lesson and I am not going to let another psychopath “break my emotional legs” again. I may get hit byf a STRANGER P but it will be someone I have not been around before or for very long, because I am getting pretty good at spotting them now.
Heck, they almost LOOK HUMAN!!!! So at a distance it is hard to tell what they are, but you get up close to them and you start to get the feeling “something isn’t right”—LIKE THAT TV SERIES “V” where the aliens are lizards disguised as humans.
So you will start to GROW and realize what red flags are, and become able to set boundaries and enforce them, not doubt yourself so much etc. So you just keep plugging, it WILL GET BETTER! I promise you! (((Hugs)))) and my prayers!
OxDrover;
OMG you are so right about the feeling “something isn’t right” comment. Mine had the classic “sociopath stare.” I even remember those eyes from across the room right before we met.
His eyes made me uncomfortable. Before I gained all my knowledge regarding sociopaths, I thought I was the problem — insecurity on my part because he looked at me so closely. Of course I began to interpret his stare as evidence of deep interest…
But it was more than the stare. Jamie’s way of talking was that he seemed to chose his words very carefully, but in a manner I had never before experienced. This is another sign of the defective prefrontal cortex processing seen in sociopaths.
Too bad I did not know it at the time. In fact, all this stuff I attributed to his charm and politeness, while at the same time thinking something is not right here.
Dear Blue eyes,
That instinctive gut feeling we have that “something is not right” is the hold over from our caveman days when we were prey. Now the only predators for humans just about is another human that is a mutant version who has become a predator.
You know some snakes will eat only other snakes, even their own kind! So just because they are “snakes” doesn’t mean they don’t prey on each other. Psychopaths will do that too, they prey on us and they prey on each other. I am sure you have seen it in some couples, two ps in a relationship I call “gasoline & fire!” each one taking the victim position and then alternating with the abuser role, like playing musical chairs and sometimes those up and down drama king/queen relationships are semi stable for decades of misery and drama!
Many times when one person presents him/herself to someone outside the relationship as a VICTIM, they are anything BUT a victim, they are a predator who lost the last war with another predator. The Ps seem to like this role of being the victim, so you must also take care in meeting someone who presents as a “victim” which as I recall Jamie did as well. Childhood abuse, X-abuse and so on, because ‘normal” humans are pre-programmed to feel sorrow, compassion and pity on the wounded. They learn quickly how to exploit that.
Not all of them have the LOOK unless they are angry, but many do. I almost think a non-angry LOOK is because they are devoid of the emotions that put “depth” to a person’s expression even when they are just relaxed and not particularly thinking of something either good or bad. Plus they also have the predator-look as they assess their prey for possible weaknesses which gives them an advantage.
A lion or other big cat can “glance” at a herd of 1000 antelope and pick out the one with a limp and they go after that one. Even a tiny advantage over the rest of the herd which will be more able or willing to fight back or flee.
I am so glad that you are doing better Blue. Gaining strength and insight about how Jamie “stalks” his prey. You are fortunate that you got out intact. Also I read some pretty grim statistics yesterday about the level of +HIV in America in the gay population, average over US is like 18%, 45% in Baltimore (why Baltimore????) and it said also that about 50% don’t know their status.
The book I got these stats out of was copyrighted 2009 and is a neurology book being used in the med school in my state. A friend of my son Ds recommended he read it. It talks about various brain diseases including HIV and how the virus attacks the brain and nervous system, and how difficult it is to get the drugs past the blood brain barrier so once the brain is invaded by the virus, (usually fairly early on it said) it keeps replicating in the brain and punching holes in the brain even if the drugs keep it down in the blood and the rest of the body. Not a pretty sight.
I know it is my old womanish prejudice and my medical professional prejudice but frankly I would not have ANY kind of sex with ANY one until I got a complete test prior, AND was reasonably sure they were not fooling around with anyone else. And still then, no “unsafe” sex at all.
There are lots of STDs besides HIV that are fatal, and not cureable. So as this book described, this is this generation’s BLACK PLAGUE, in Africa alone it has already killed 22 million, and in some places there 50% are infected (and have little or no access to drugs) China is the fastest growing area in the world (they used and reused dirty needles a few years back in a plasma harvesting deal and infected tons of folks)
In US, one of the rapidly growing groups getting it is also the 40-60 yr old hetrosectuals as they think “not my group” or “not me” and of course that is foolish thinking and they are not well educated about it either.
Without making any moral judgments, I think sex is a bonding ritual (or should be) between adults who really care about each other. It is sure risky for it to be anything else. So I will err on the side of caution and I do my best to educate folks to this point of view. I realize that there are a great many other folks who don’t agree with my point of view and are willing to take that risk, but I’m not. So please don’t take my “preaching” at you as aimed specifically at “you” personally. I think I should start calling myself the REVEREND Oxy! LOL
Dear Ox,
I appreciate your advice and have been reading all that I can about narcissists and sociopaths. The next thing to work on is healing and recovery, although, until husband is out of the house, that will be difficult. Sending you much happiness and I’m so grateful for your wise insite to the world of the disordered.
OxDrover;
You are so right again. I think part of recovery is remembering and processing things you forgot. My “denial” was that somehow because Jamie felt he could not tell me about his HIV status, this issue was his shame over the HIV and if somehow “poor Jamie” could have told me, all wonder have been right. Other “poor Jamies…” kept me in denial about the real person and what he did.
It took me over a year to begin getting over him. Why? Denial and escape. I spent nearly a year trying to drink and sex him away. And I never processed reality.
But once I really started doing my work, the mask came off and I began to see the predator and the manipulator. Now, all these little things keep coming back to me, more warning signs that I ignored.
Yes, I saw the red flags surrounding his upbringing, his drinking, smoking, his profession (flight attendant), his hatred for his father. Those I ignored or rationalized (just started smoking again…). But the little ones and you just reminded me of another.
Jamie mentioned that he stopped seeing the previous guy he was dating because “he could not find time for me…” Seems more like to your point one predator beaten by another, because there was no sorrow in Jamie, it was all very matter of fact.
The HIV brain thing I understand as I have a biomedical degree. I was so concerned over this and other things I was reading about long-term HIV survivors I came very close to emailing Jamie, as I am aware of some experimental medications in this area that are not available in the UK. It was a very hard decision for me not to and I felt guilty over it.
Now I realize I have the right to protect myself from manipulation and lies and don’t feel so bad. Personally, and I don’t want to politicize this, but I think the HIV community does all a huge disservice by downplaying the long-term reality of an HIV infection, even if it is no longer imminently fatal.