A syndrome called post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) can affect victims of sociopaths. The trauma of losing love, friends, family, possessions and of enduring psychological/physical abuse is the cause of this disorder. To fight the symptoms of PTSD, it is helpful to understand the symptoms and how they relate to loss and trauma.
As I read through the current literature on PTSD, I quickly discovered that there is a fair amount of controversy regarding this disorder. We can actually learn about the disorder by listening to the arguments. The first question on which there is much disagreement is, “What trauma is severe enough to cause PTSD?” There were several editorials by experts disparaging the fact that everything from giving birth to a healthy baby to a boss yelling at an employee is now said to cause PTSD. Most experts are in favor of reserving this diagnosis for people who have suffered truly unusual life experiences, like kidnapping, rape, war, 911, etc.
The problem is that many people do experience severe stress reactions to difficult life circumstances. It remains to be determined what we should call these reactions.
Those of us healing from our relationship with a sociopath often vacillate between accepting the trauma and minimizing it. Thus, the argument about what kinds of trauma are severe enough to cause PTSD has a direct effect on us. The argument can leave us feeling weak, like we should be able to get over this. After all it wasn’t as bad as 911, Iraq or Katrina—or was it?
The second question is “what symptoms constitute PTSD?” The following table shows the most common symptoms seen in a group of 103 British men and women diagnosed by psychiatrists with PTSD (Current Medical Research Opinion, 2003):
| Symptom | Frequency (n=103) |
| Insomnia | 98 (95%) |
| Anxiety at reminder cues | 96 (93%) |
| Intrusive thoughts, images, sounds, sensations | 94 (91%) |
| Irritability | 93 (91%) |
| Poor concentration | 93 (91%) |
| Diminished interest in significant activities | 88 (85%) |
| Recurrent dreams of trauma | 86 (83%) |
| Avoidance of activities or places associated with the trauma | 85 (83%) |
| Foreshortening of expectations about the future | 80 (78%) |
| Detachment from others | 78 (76%) |
| Avoidance of thinking or conversing about the trauma | 75 (73%) |
| Poor appetite | 69 (67%) |
| Hypervigilance | 55 (53%) |
| Startle reactions | 46 (45%) |
| Acting or feeling as if the event was recurring | 37 (31%) |
| Inability to recall parts of trauma (amnesia) | 19 (18%) |
I put up this table because I thought that a number of you would also endorse these symptoms. Notice that “acting or feeling as if the event was recurring” was really not that common. But similar symptoms, like “Intrusive thoughts, images sounds and sensations,” were very common. Amnesia was also uncommon. Startle reactions were only seen in half of the subjects.
A feeling of a foreshortened future is a particularly debilitating symptom because it impairs a person’s ability to plan for the future and leads to a sense of hopelessness. I will expand on this further, but I strongly believe this feeling of a foreshortened future has to do less with our thoughts about our past, and more with our thoughts about our present.
As I look at this list of symptoms, I am struck by the fact that many, many of those writing into Lovefraud complain of these symptoms, particularly nightmares. There is something special about having had emotional involvement with an aggressor that seems to produce nightmares. Since so many have all of the most common symptoms, I think it has to be that the trauma of life with a sociopath is severe enough to cause this disorder in many people.
Here’s where defining exactly what trauma is gets sticky. Rachael Yehuda, Ph.D., said in a recent article published on MedScape, “One of the things that biology has taught us is that PTSD represents a type of a response to trauma, but not the only type of response. It is a response that seems to be about the failure to consolidate a memory in such a way as to be able to be recalled without distress.” Well, this is precisely the definition that is too broad. I personally have a lot of memories that I experience or re-experience with distress. Yet these memories are not accompanied by the list of symptoms in the table above.
For me what made the experience traumatic was the truly life course-changing nature of the trauma. The answer to the question, “Will I ever be the same?” for me defines trauma significant enough to cause PTSD. The trauma that causes this disorder redefines us in a way that is different from other emotionally significant experiences. This trauma strikes at the core of our identity.
The final controversy surrounds the treatment of PTSD. Interestingly, there is no question that medications (SSRIs, particularly Zoloft) are very helpful. The problem is though that when a person goes to a physician and receives a medication, he/she is by definition “sick.” Assumption of a “sick role” or “victim identity” is one of the many factors that slow recovery from PTSD.
Many therapists are of the belief that “debriefing” or retelling the story is necessary for recovery. One group of researchers reviewed the studies on debriefing and concluded that there is no scientific evidence that it prevents PTSD. Instead, the evidence points to post-trauma factors like social support and “additional life stress” being most important.
How can we put this all together? Considering last week’s post, those who experience trauma serious enough to have stress hormone overdose as manifested by dissociation, are likely to also develop PTSD. An examination of the symptoms of PTSD reveals that at the core of the disorder is the fact that the person really doesn’t believe in his/her heart that the trauma has ended. PTSD is about ONGOING, not past, trauma. For those of us whose lives were assaulted by a sociopath, there is ongoing stress. The stress is the social isolation, financial ruin, and threatened further losses long after the relationship has ended. Those who recover from this without PTSD work hard to put the trauma behind them in every way.
Putting the trauma behind you does not mean you can’t take medication to help with the process. It does mean facing those bills, former friends, and other personal issues you want to avoid. Remember AVOIDANCE STRENGTHENS FEAR.
Above all, stop the ongoing trauma by ending contact with the sociopath. Do not assume a sick role, instead, work to stay healthy. Fight to be the person you want to be. Don’t allow this single experience to define you. Make living for today the place you love to be. As Louise Gallagher says in her recent post, “This is, in many ways, the greatest challenge of recovery — to accept the past is simply the route I took to get to where I am today, a place I love to be. The past cannot be changed. It cannot be altered. It cannot be made ‘better.’ It can only be accepted so that it, and I, may rest in peace with what was, eager to accept what is true in my life today.”
Hi Ox Drover (Oxy)
I think I am getting what you’re saying here and really liked these thoughts from you and how you really get across that LF has some really great people here. I too think it’s the best place on the net I’ve found ‘for me’ in my particular situation.
I’m very intrigued by your story – though kind of PO’d that someone clearly as full of intelligence, guts ‘n’ goodstuff has had so much pain to deal with which you clearly don’t deserve.
I’m v.impressed by your adventures (though sad it had to be with someone who was so toxic to you) as I also wanted to be a bit of an adventuress when young (I was into racing off-road motorbikes, travelling across Africa – in fact I was foolishly fearless for many a long year around these kind of things).
I don’t like to to into any statements which seems as though any one person’s experience is more or less valuable or valid- – but am I gobsmacked (is impressed the wrong word?) by some of the stuff you’ve got through and your ability to have got through without it making you permanently bitter & twisted. You are such a great presence on this site from what I can see and many people are very grateful for all your support and help (including me of course).
I’m not sure I’ve been ‘tested’ the way that you have been, I’m not sure that I would have come out of the experiences you describe with ‘my eye on the flame – even flickering’. Actually I feel lucky to have skated on my particular abuser in some ways – but ‘caught on’ before I found someone who would rob, kill or do other things to me. My abuser was a nasty guy, but he didn’t have the education, opportunity or life experiences to really get rolling on me to the point that I ‘couldn’t get out’. In fact having known nastier men than him in the past made me complacent frankly.
I hope that by getting exN convicted of an offence and exposing him publicly – I may have given him pause to ‘think twice’ before trying that again on me or anybody. I’m not sure he can ‘be stopped’ but if everyone gets wise, it’ll get harder for N’s in particular to carry on with their b/s. I think S’s/P’s are tougher nuts to crack as they don’t have the same needs as an N and are harder to ‘manipulate back’.
I am not complacent – there are plenty of abusers still out there and the big thing I’ve learned is not to be arrogant or complacent or that ‘stuff like that won’t happen to me ‘cos I’m smart’. I’m still not THAT smart personally – which is something I used to find hard to admit (being a know-it-all is one of my less attractive personality traits!!)
It may sound a bit wierd, but I’ve always been an adventure hound & adrenaline junkie. I used to want to know about ‘evil’ and thought that I could be some kind of ‘hero’. Ha. I actually said to my interviewer for my Child Protection Social Work course that I felt I had to do this work because the profession needed people who can ‘stand up to’ the abusers without getting sucked in. I thought I was invincible (v.silly girl!!) – I used to want to experience everything the world has to offer.
I’m not beating myself up here, but maybe this kind of attitude is what has got me into trouble sometimes, however – eventually, I seem to have learned and grown stronger in the long run from these ‘challenges’.
PS – I love that you use the ‘Trojan Horse’ analogy/reference for your ‘son’s cellmate’ (have I understood that right?) In my ignorance, before I even knew what I P, S or N was I used to tell people who were being manipulated by my exN that they were ‘Trojan Horses’ – and to go away and ‘look it up!’
Glad to get such a positive post Ox Drover.
PS I’m real jealous of all your living/experiences with horses, oxen and animals generally- here in the UK we don’t get much of that ‘great outdoor’ living. I live in a teeny tiny box of a flat – but hey it’s all mine !!!
Delta1, I agree with you whole heartedly. I am in awe of the folks like Oxy and others that had to endure this pain and torture from parental/caretaker figures as children. Figure it out. Throw the garbage out or keep it tucked way back in their minds, as they keep fighting their way to TRUTH. It’s tough enough on those of us who endured this pain and torture during our adult lives, but I can’t imagine having to survive this as a child and come out sane, stable and keep that sense of humor.
Smile and God Bless to all the Oxys on this site.
Dear Delta1,
Thank you for those positive thoughts, but there’s a lot of DARK SIDE to my “adventures” as well. YOu know the definition of ADVENTURE? IT IS THE RESULT OF POOR PLANNING.
One thing I think you (and all of us) need to grasp in my HO is that no one’s pain is greater or lesser than anyone else’s.
I was reading Dr. Viktor Frankl’s book “Man’s search for meaning” in his descriptions of the Nazi camps he was in, and the psychological conditions of the different inmates, including himself. He concluded that PAIN IS ALWAYS TOAL. Your pain is TOTAL to you, my pain is total to me.
Example. Look at the pain of a baby that has just dropped it’s toy and can’t reach it. HIS PAIN IS TOTAL. He is DEVESTATED completely at the loss of hhis toy.
Now, let’s say that child is attacked by a wolf, and badly mauled. HE IS TOTALLY DEVESTATED.
Which pain is worse? NEITHER. Pain acts like a gas, and TOTALLY fills the container up. A little gas expands to fill the container and a lot of gas contracts and fills the container. This is Frankl’s concept and it went AH HA!!@.......!!! in me when I read it and explained to me why all pain is total. No ones is more than anyone elses. We are TRULY EQUAL in our pain, regardless of how much stuff we lost, or how long we were taken or by whom.
This healing thing I think now is philosophy 101– and Psychology 101 —up. We have to look at our “philosophy” of life, the things we hold as philosophical TRUTHS—some of them are WRONG.
For example, we are told “there are two (valid) sides to every story” and that is NOT TRUE.
Another is “It takes TWO to fight” That is also NOT true, it only takes a bully and a victim to “fight.”
And so on, we are taught these “truths” by our parents and our teachers and our friends and peers but these philosophical teachings are NOT all valid.
If we operate on these teachings as foundations for our thinking, we can make some bad judgment calls. Especially when the abuser is using these maximums to deflect attention away from his/her lies and abuse.
There was a time I did pro bono health care for the women and children in a DV. I actually felt SUPERIOR to these women, I WOULD NEVER HAVE GONE BACK TO A RELATIONSHIP WITH A MAN WHO BEAT ME—-that’s true, BUT I had a relationship with a SON WHO BEAT ME, AND MURDERED ANOTHER WOMAN ….DUH? How SUPERIOR was that? NOT!!!
The advice that Jesus gave to get the log out of your own eye before you try to pick the splinter out of your neighbors eye is wonderfully great advice. No one has had bigger logs in their eyes than I have! I struggle every day to pull them out of my own eyes.
I’ve had to learn to set boundaries, to quit taking responsibility for others lives, to quit enabling others, to take care of myself, to love myself and treat myself with respect. To demand that others who want to be in my life treat me with respect or get the heck gone To learn that the world will not come crashing down if everyone in the world does not think how “nice” I am—-that NO ONE is immune or gets a pass to treat me poorly, no matter how they are related to me, or how much I love them. NO ONE.
My boundaries are not WALLS, like every other human I need human companionship and associations, my boundaries have GATES, but I guard those gates well, and there are KEYS to get in and RULES that if flaunted will get you tossed out and your KEY taken back.
My trust is no longer automatically extended to everyone I meet. It is EARNED and MAINTAINED by being trustworthy. Once BETRAYED it is difficult to recover, not impossible, but very DIFFICULT. About the first of this year (6 months ago) my son C lied to me—betrayed the trust I had granted him. He’s not a P (not perfect, but does have a conscience) and he no longer has my trust any more for his word. There are benefits that go along with my love and trust and friendship, but he also lost those benefits as well as the trust. Because I do not put myself out on a limb to do favors for people I can’t trust (and therefore don’t enjoy being around)
I’m not totally NC with him, I have business from time to time I e mail him about (mostly his brother’s parole hearing up coming) but other than that, nada. I don’t even miss him any more and have done with the shock and awe part of the grief about the down turn in the relationship. That part is getting easier and faster now when someone does violate my boundaries, even if the grief is intense it doesn’t last as long as previous ones. I think honestly as we get “practice” handling grief we get better at it.
Thanks again, Delta, and keep on putting one foot in front of the other, I have seen so much progress in so many people who are starting to get “sane” again as they reach out to others on the blog. You’re a very bright and courageous woman in your own right! You are in a wonderful position in your career to use the kinowledge you gain from the P-experience to help others to heal and grow! To help mums and dads who are dealing with an X-H/W who is raking them over the coals with the children as pawns.
Gosh I wish I was 20 years younger and go back to work! You inspire me about the potenital good you have in your career! Go for the gusto!
Hi Ox Drover (Oxy)
Maybe you can use your experience (if you feel you want to) positively in other areas that at LF like you did before -though you are doing fantastic stuff here too and frankly that’s probably ‘enough’.
I so relate to your bit about ‘feeling superior to’ the people I was working for in DV cases. Before my exN I too used to think it ‘couldn’t happen to me etc etc’. I tell myself now that this unenlightened position really just showed my lack of experience of the ‘real world’ really when you think about it.
Of course, I’m not sure of your age (I’m not asking!!) There’s no age for volunteering or even for paid ‘social care’ professionals (in the UK) we’re getting very ‘anti-ageist’ here BTW and we had a new SW join last week who qualified aged 60 – she’s an utterly fantastic addition to our team. I can only imagine what a great contributor you would be to any DV project or the like if there is such a thing in your area and if you felt it was right for you.
However, maybe you’ve contributed ‘enough already’ and should spend the rest of your life frivolously enjoying yourself as much as possible (personally I think this might be a good option too!!!!)
Anyway – I do appreciate your comment about the ‘dark side’ of adventure. My ‘fools rush in’ approach to adventure when I was a much younger women led me to meet murderers, drug dealers and other unsavouries. I was so naive I thought they wouldn’t hurt me because ‘they had no reason to’. The fact that I didn’t get hurt led me to believe I was ‘untouchable’ rather than (excuse my language) f***ing lucky. This probably wasn’t very healthy!!!
Now I know better!!
Blessings
Delta 1 xx
Oh, yes, I met some of those too….dated some of them….thought I was untouchable as well. Wasn’t but I thought so. Partly typical teen aged arrogance, OH, the Shame of looking back at some of the things I THOUGHT I knew as a teenager and younger 20s. LOL My husband who was quiet a bit older than I am (15 yrs) knew me back in those days (we were just working together) and I was one night with a group of his/our friends EXPOUNDING in all my 18-yr-old-wisdom on some global problem or other and I remember with a head shake and a sigh how AWFUL I was! I said something to him years after we married about “How could you tolerate me then?” LOL He laughed and said “Yea, you were an arrogant teenager, but you were so CUTE ABOUT IT!” LOL
I was also F-ing LUCKY that I wasn’t murdered or worse! I was hanging out in Hollywood CA in the mid 60s among the hippies and drug and speed freaks and other bad cultures. At the least I should have gotten hooked on drugs or something. I skirted that issue though I did smoke my share of pot. Fortunately I DID have my ADULT friends there who kept a sort of eye on me to keep me safe and for fall back if I needed it. They had all been on the trips to Africa and South America as either employees of or business partners with my sperm donor andn I think part of it was they just felt sorry for anyone with him for a relative!
I think that the genetic tendency for risk taking (they’ve apparently found the genes) and the quest for excitement and novelty makes us also more attracted to the Ps out there rather than the settled dull and boring guys that might be a better risk.
Psychopaths also tend to be big risk takers and have that adolescent lack of fear or caution that we fortunately GREW OUT OF and they didn’t. I am probably one of THE most cautious people in the world as far as safety is concerned. I still do things that could prove dangerous (like working with livestock) but I take every precautionn to make sure it is done as safely as possible. No rodeos for me. No keeping animals around that TRY to hurt you. No second chances for violence with animals, if they are violent and or aggressive, they are DEAD. The only exception I make is for a cow protecting a new born calf that she thinks is being threatened.
Other than that if you hook, kick or bite ONE time, it’s annie get yer gun, we’re butchering something tonight! My son calls it the “bigger and meaner rule.” An animal can be bigger than me, or meaner than me, but NOT BOTH!” LOL
I can’t believe I made it. I have only posted once before and it was a short version of my s story. I haven’t seen my ex s in eight weeks and nc for three weeks. I feel a lot better and not as stressed anymore bc I don’t have to sit and wonder about my ex s lies anymore if have a gut instinct that something is wrong or not right. I have a ton of debt but I’m not going to let that bring me down. I am going to hack away at it until its gone. I do get lonely at times but I ask myself do I truly miss him as a person or just having someone period. I don’t miss the lies. I don’t miss the craziness of the whole thing. We still have friends in common and I know that he’s been going out and living life like nothing happened so im going to keep trucking as well. Time does heal. We can all heal from these horrible creatures. God bless.
Dear Seriously, Glad you are still here and still learning! Still healing and STILL NC!!! NC is the key!!! Hang on to that NC with all your might! God bless.
Thank you very much
thanks for bringing up this thread. I am talking to the latest friend to fall away this week, and I have sent her the post as ‘background’ reading before we meet.
Okay – I NEED to know two things –
1) Did Toolate get her house??????????? I so very hope that she did; if not, I want to raise the money somehow… (sigh…talk about getting overinvolved on a website….LOL)
2) Has Hopeforjoy’s husband gone yet? If not, why not?
Anyone? anyone?…. (I’m feeling especially nosey-parkerish today 🙂 )