A syndrome called post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) can affect victims of sociopaths. The trauma of losing love, friends, family, possessions and of enduring psychological/physical abuse is the cause of this disorder. To fight the symptoms of PTSD, it is helpful to understand the symptoms and how they relate to loss and trauma.
As I read through the current literature on PTSD, I quickly discovered that there is a fair amount of controversy regarding this disorder. We can actually learn about the disorder by listening to the arguments. The first question on which there is much disagreement is, “What trauma is severe enough to cause PTSD?” There were several editorials by experts disparaging the fact that everything from giving birth to a healthy baby to a boss yelling at an employee is now said to cause PTSD. Most experts are in favor of reserving this diagnosis for people who have suffered truly unusual life experiences, like kidnapping, rape, war, 911, etc.
The problem is that many people do experience severe stress reactions to difficult life circumstances. It remains to be determined what we should call these reactions.
Those of us healing from our relationship with a sociopath often vacillate between accepting the trauma and minimizing it. Thus, the argument about what kinds of trauma are severe enough to cause PTSD has a direct effect on us. The argument can leave us feeling weak, like we should be able to get over this. After all it wasn’t as bad as 911, Iraq or Katrina—or was it?
The second question is “what symptoms constitute PTSD?” The following table shows the most common symptoms seen in a group of 103 British men and women diagnosed by psychiatrists with PTSD (Current Medical Research Opinion, 2003):
| Symptom | Frequency (n=103) |
| Insomnia | 98 (95%) |
| Anxiety at reminder cues | 96 (93%) |
| Intrusive thoughts, images, sounds, sensations | 94 (91%) |
| Irritability | 93 (91%) |
| Poor concentration | 93 (91%) |
| Diminished interest in significant activities | 88 (85%) |
| Recurrent dreams of trauma | 86 (83%) |
| Avoidance of activities or places associated with the trauma | 85 (83%) |
| Foreshortening of expectations about the future | 80 (78%) |
| Detachment from others | 78 (76%) |
| Avoidance of thinking or conversing about the trauma | 75 (73%) |
| Poor appetite | 69 (67%) |
| Hypervigilance | 55 (53%) |
| Startle reactions | 46 (45%) |
| Acting or feeling as if the event was recurring | 37 (31%) |
| Inability to recall parts of trauma (amnesia) | 19 (18%) |
I put up this table because I thought that a number of you would also endorse these symptoms. Notice that “acting or feeling as if the event was recurring” was really not that common. But similar symptoms, like “Intrusive thoughts, images sounds and sensations,” were very common. Amnesia was also uncommon. Startle reactions were only seen in half of the subjects.
A feeling of a foreshortened future is a particularly debilitating symptom because it impairs a person’s ability to plan for the future and leads to a sense of hopelessness. I will expand on this further, but I strongly believe this feeling of a foreshortened future has to do less with our thoughts about our past, and more with our thoughts about our present.
As I look at this list of symptoms, I am struck by the fact that many, many of those writing into Lovefraud complain of these symptoms, particularly nightmares. There is something special about having had emotional involvement with an aggressor that seems to produce nightmares. Since so many have all of the most common symptoms, I think it has to be that the trauma of life with a sociopath is severe enough to cause this disorder in many people.
Here’s where defining exactly what trauma is gets sticky. Rachael Yehuda, Ph.D., said in a recent article published on MedScape, “One of the things that biology has taught us is that PTSD represents a type of a response to trauma, but not the only type of response. It is a response that seems to be about the failure to consolidate a memory in such a way as to be able to be recalled without distress.” Well, this is precisely the definition that is too broad. I personally have a lot of memories that I experience or re-experience with distress. Yet these memories are not accompanied by the list of symptoms in the table above.
For me what made the experience traumatic was the truly life course-changing nature of the trauma. The answer to the question, “Will I ever be the same?” for me defines trauma significant enough to cause PTSD. The trauma that causes this disorder redefines us in a way that is different from other emotionally significant experiences. This trauma strikes at the core of our identity.
The final controversy surrounds the treatment of PTSD. Interestingly, there is no question that medications (SSRIs, particularly Zoloft) are very helpful. The problem is though that when a person goes to a physician and receives a medication, he/she is by definition “sick.” Assumption of a “sick role” or “victim identity” is one of the many factors that slow recovery from PTSD.
Many therapists are of the belief that “debriefing” or retelling the story is necessary for recovery. One group of researchers reviewed the studies on debriefing and concluded that there is no scientific evidence that it prevents PTSD. Instead, the evidence points to post-trauma factors like social support and “additional life stress” being most important.
How can we put this all together? Considering last week’s post, those who experience trauma serious enough to have stress hormone overdose as manifested by dissociation, are likely to also develop PTSD. An examination of the symptoms of PTSD reveals that at the core of the disorder is the fact that the person really doesn’t believe in his/her heart that the trauma has ended. PTSD is about ONGOING, not past, trauma. For those of us whose lives were assaulted by a sociopath, there is ongoing stress. The stress is the social isolation, financial ruin, and threatened further losses long after the relationship has ended. Those who recover from this without PTSD work hard to put the trauma behind them in every way.
Putting the trauma behind you does not mean you can’t take medication to help with the process. It does mean facing those bills, former friends, and other personal issues you want to avoid. Remember AVOIDANCE STRENGTHENS FEAR.
Above all, stop the ongoing trauma by ending contact with the sociopath. Do not assume a sick role, instead, work to stay healthy. Fight to be the person you want to be. Don’t allow this single experience to define you. Make living for today the place you love to be. As Louise Gallagher says in her recent post, “This is, in many ways, the greatest challenge of recovery — to accept the past is simply the route I took to get to where I am today, a place I love to be. The past cannot be changed. It cannot be altered. It cannot be made ‘better.’ It can only be accepted so that it, and I, may rest in peace with what was, eager to accept what is true in my life today.”
Dear Darwin’s mom,
It sounds to me like you have some PTSD or depression which effects your ability to concentrate and/or to think…believe me, I have had similar problems and still do. There is an article here about PTSD changing our brains, LITERALLY.
It will get better, but I suggest that you see a mental health counselor or psychiatrist for an evaluation. Medication might help you, and some therapy as well. It has been my salvation. Accepting that you are not the same as you were before is difficult. I can no longer carry on various projects at a time like I used to do (multi-tasking) but must concentrate on one thing at a time in order to do anything right. I must make lists of lists to keep from forgetting things. I feel like I am “retarded” but actually my IQ tests out the same as before, but it is DIFFERENT in how I function. I’m learning to cope with it slowly, but accepting that I THINK DIFFERENTLY NOW has been difficult.
You are NOT helpless, but you have some challenges to cope with, and you can. My life is much improved over the “early days” of the changes so hang in there and don’t give up hope! (((hugs))) and God bless.
Hi Oxy,
Thanks for the supportive post!
I am seeing a therapist since May. I’ve seen her 4 or 5 times now. Will see her next week again. Saw her last week again for the first time since Peru (returned half August from Peru). And the time before Peru I had seen her a third time, and that was right after I had learned about the review. She knew I was going to tourlead and hoped it would be a good experience. She felt that I was strong and was coping fairly well. I had expected better of myself as well. But now I’m opening up to the fact that what I think I can do is perhaps not always what I am able to do anymore, that my cognitive abilities have been damaged. And yes, I do think this may be PTSD related.
It’s tough and disheartening to do what you’ve been doing for years and suddenly realize that you have no control or overview over situations anymore as you used to. And it’s in such seemingly minor ways it’s hard to predict it.
I had an experience in Peru that seems PSTD related as well. The last 2 weeks I traveled by myself, and I traveled for a week to the Amazon bassin. I journeyed for 5 days in a canoo in a NP that hardly sees tourists, sleeping on the floor on a mat of shelters together with the park guards who were stuck there for 42 days tours. It was the best part of hte trip actually. When I returned to “civilisation”, I had one more night at hte village, from which I started out on the canoo. It was the village where the guides stayed. One of hte guides (of other tourists) that I met in the park hit on me, as he took me out on town. And I ended up spending the night with him. The night was significant because it made me face the fact how distrustful I am. The guy was excited, and twentysomething, and wanted to make love lots. And I was crabby as hell over him disturbing my sleep. Before the spath this would not have been the case… but one of the things the spath used to terrorrize me with was disturbing my sleep as much as he could. So, when this guide woke me up, my initial response was as if it was my ex-spath beside me. At some point I got up and in my recollection I had left my passport on the table of the room, with a 20$ bill inside (the last of my money before returning to a bigger town with an ATM the next day). And I didn’t see it lying there anymore, and I instantly freaked, asking accusatively “where is my passport?!” Turned out I had forgotten I had put it away in my backpack the evening before. The guide was just a normal guy, kind, normally honest, fair about the money spent when we went out, and sexually eager. But my responses were those as if I was with my spath.
Thanks for reading and responding, Oxy. Tomorrow I’ll report myself as being unemployed. Next week I’ll see my therapist again, take the picture along of my ex that she asked for in June (I suspect she probably wants to check for the stare), and will ask her about my suspicions on PSTD and what I can do.
Yikes, reading this I feel like I might already have early onset PTSD — eek! Only six months into figuring out that my new husband’s ex-wife is a something-path, dealing weekly with her vitriol + lying has me frazzled… I feel surprised I’ve developed some of these PTSD symptoms already. Yuck.
Dear Darwin’s mom,
You sure sound “on edge” to me, and the symptoms could be PTSD in one form or another or even severe depression. The vigilance and hyper-vigilance are very normal in PTSD and may take some time to “wear off” and for you to FEEL safe.
Being “on guard” and “alert” all the time is what it feels I imagine to be in COMBAT…and you can never relax and feel safe, always looking behind each bush for a predator.
I have difficulty concentrating on things, and must be very careful to do things right when I am doing something that requires I NOT make any mistakes.
After the plane crash that killed my husband I had to retire as my short term memory was not secure enough to practice my profession (I am a Registered Nurse Practitioner) where people’s lives depended on my short term memory. “Did I give you your medicine?” “are you the RIGHT patient?”
Now when I do something that requires PRECISION I must focus carefully on ONE thing at a time, not try to juggle 10 balls in the air at once. Only ONE at a time. Even new learning is difficult for me now. I am vastly improved over 7 years ago, but I am DIFFERENT now in the way I process information and memory.
Newstepmom,
You are JUST GETTING STARTED with this woman…so buckle your seat belt and put on your helmet for a ROLLER COASTER RIDE. I wish I could tell you she will eventually back off, but that would be a lie. You can’t change her and she will only get WORSE, but all you can do is change the WAY YOU RESPOND. I hope you and your husband can work things out so you are a TEAM and work together to ward off the worst of her attacks…but if you can’t do that, I don’t predict a great outcome for you, him, or for your marriage. I’m glad that you guys are in counseling. That gives me some hope that he will get it finally about her. Good luckk and God bless.
Oxy,
I felt like I was on the brink of depression couple of weeks ago. I carry around feelings of shame, which hamper me in functioning as well. Shame and depression often go hand in hand. But I did not feel like that before I lost my job, nor during the tourleading. Nor do I suffer from its tunnel vision. Not that I deny the possibility of depression, but then I think it’s rather a combination of both probably, with the depressive feelings following from the breakdown of my life caused in part by my probable PSTD symptoms.
Whatever the case, I am not ready to throw in the towel yet. I do send in applications, I will do the studies and follow classes (actually it made my brain tingle this week in a good way) and keep on doing small creative projects and teach the few hours I still do have to train my brain and do something that at least leaves me with a sense of being inspired. And I have socialised more in daily real life the past months with friends than I have done overall in the past 2 years.
I’ll have to take it step by step.
Dear Darwin’s mom,
The feelings will go uup and down like a roller coaster, and that is normal. The multiple losses will compound on each other as well…the more you lose the more depressed you get and the more you can’t hold on to…and back and forth. That is normal to be “abnormal” in abnormal situations. LOL
Step by step is really the way to go, just slowly do what you can to BE GOOD TO YOUR SELF…your friends may not understand but the bloggers here DO so come here frequently and read and slowly work your head back around. Give yourself time and compassion. Losing your job, your livelyhood and all the rest is difficult as well. Keep on looking for a job of course and enjoy your schooling. Small positive steps and don’t rush yourself. (((hugs)))
Hi Oxy,
I did what I had promised to do this morning. Went with the whole of my file to my union and unemployment payment organisation to inscribe myself as partially unemployed. I also inquired for information regarding regulations of studying and being unemployed. She insisted I would have to file for being allowed to study, but I checked info by myself. At the moment me studying for a bachelor in physics while I already have a master would be denied to me. Also I am not unemployed long enough, and not unemployed enough (since I work partially). And while they need physics and math teachers, it’s not on the official list of highly needed studies. So, I’ll get a denial if I were to study for over 27 study points.
Pfff, that’s why I hate administration. I don’t even want to be freed from my job seeking responsibilities. I still want to look for a teaching position (even full time) AND study. So, they can stuff it. I’m not reporting it. And I’ll start with filing for a study program of less than 27 study points. I can still alter my contract until 31st of October. I’ve filed for plenty of exemptions anyway, and wanted to take it easy on the number of courses anyway the first year. Plus, all the more motivated to find enough teaching hours, so nobody can tell me what I can or cannot study.
But I’m proud of myself that I did that one big administrative task today. I missed an hour of math class because of it, but surviving and paying my bills still comes first.
Then at the end of class, I went over a few questions I had for the professor regarding part of the course I had reviewed for myself. I was admittedly very shy to him, more shy than I’ve been the past decade. It feels very weird to be sitting amongst 18-19 year olds. Heck two of the students are kids I taught physics in high school 2 years ago.
Then I went to my mom, discussed with her the stuff I mentioned in here, and then we went to look for an appartment. My parents wish to buy an appartment to invest their money in, but in such a way, that I as shareholder and renting it, will have my own possession. She asked me today after our earlier talk about my possible PSTD whether it perhaps would add to the stress by searching for appartments, and perhaps moving from where I lived for 12 years to a new place if we find one. I really appreciated her question, but told her that in fact it seems to help me.
The first time we went to visit an appartment in June, I broke down and cried. It was an appartment in a suburbian area that’s ideal to live if you’re with a partner. It was not really an area for me, certainly not as a single, and being confronted with the loss of my plans for the future until two months before that was surprisingly emotional. I had to park the car on the side of the road and cry. But since I returned from Peru, I had not problem with visiting apartments anymore. And now, I find it actually helps me to look forward to the future: something that I could consider mine, without too much financial strain (not beyond what I’m paying now anyway), and free to decorate it my style and be creative, and no need to prove myself to anyone. Exactly what the doctor ordered, I think.
So we went to look for an apartment (from the outside at least) in a neighbourhood that would be my preference, except for the one I’m living now (but not affordable to buy) and then enjoyed the sun of the indian summer at a neighbourhood square with terrace bars.
Today was a good day 🙂
I wish my appetite had been poor over the last 9 months…
Dear Darwin’s mom, good on you! Great day! Progress! One step, one day at a time!