A syndrome called post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) can affect victims of sociopaths. The trauma of losing love, friends, family, possessions and of enduring psychological/physical abuse is the cause of this disorder. To fight the symptoms of PTSD, it is helpful to understand the symptoms and how they relate to loss and trauma.
As I read through the current literature on PTSD, I quickly discovered that there is a fair amount of controversy regarding this disorder. We can actually learn about the disorder by listening to the arguments. The first question on which there is much disagreement is, “What trauma is severe enough to cause PTSD?” There were several editorials by experts disparaging the fact that everything from giving birth to a healthy baby to a boss yelling at an employee is now said to cause PTSD. Most experts are in favor of reserving this diagnosis for people who have suffered truly unusual life experiences, like kidnapping, rape, war, 911, etc.
The problem is that many people do experience severe stress reactions to difficult life circumstances. It remains to be determined what we should call these reactions.
Those of us healing from our relationship with a sociopath often vacillate between accepting the trauma and minimizing it. Thus, the argument about what kinds of trauma are severe enough to cause PTSD has a direct effect on us. The argument can leave us feeling weak, like we should be able to get over this. After all it wasn’t as bad as 911, Iraq or Katrina—or was it?
The second question is “what symptoms constitute PTSD?” The following table shows the most common symptoms seen in a group of 103 British men and women diagnosed by psychiatrists with PTSD (Current Medical Research Opinion, 2003):
| Symptom | Frequency (n=103) |
| Insomnia | 98 (95%) |
| Anxiety at reminder cues | 96 (93%) |
| Intrusive thoughts, images, sounds, sensations | 94 (91%) |
| Irritability | 93 (91%) |
| Poor concentration | 93 (91%) |
| Diminished interest in significant activities | 88 (85%) |
| Recurrent dreams of trauma | 86 (83%) |
| Avoidance of activities or places associated with the trauma | 85 (83%) |
| Foreshortening of expectations about the future | 80 (78%) |
| Detachment from others | 78 (76%) |
| Avoidance of thinking or conversing about the trauma | 75 (73%) |
| Poor appetite | 69 (67%) |
| Hypervigilance | 55 (53%) |
| Startle reactions | 46 (45%) |
| Acting or feeling as if the event was recurring | 37 (31%) |
| Inability to recall parts of trauma (amnesia) | 19 (18%) |
I put up this table because I thought that a number of you would also endorse these symptoms. Notice that “acting or feeling as if the event was recurring” was really not that common. But similar symptoms, like “Intrusive thoughts, images sounds and sensations,” were very common. Amnesia was also uncommon. Startle reactions were only seen in half of the subjects.
A feeling of a foreshortened future is a particularly debilitating symptom because it impairs a person’s ability to plan for the future and leads to a sense of hopelessness. I will expand on this further, but I strongly believe this feeling of a foreshortened future has to do less with our thoughts about our past, and more with our thoughts about our present.
As I look at this list of symptoms, I am struck by the fact that many, many of those writing into Lovefraud complain of these symptoms, particularly nightmares. There is something special about having had emotional involvement with an aggressor that seems to produce nightmares. Since so many have all of the most common symptoms, I think it has to be that the trauma of life with a sociopath is severe enough to cause this disorder in many people.
Here’s where defining exactly what trauma is gets sticky. Rachael Yehuda, Ph.D., said in a recent article published on MedScape, “One of the things that biology has taught us is that PTSD represents a type of a response to trauma, but not the only type of response. It is a response that seems to be about the failure to consolidate a memory in such a way as to be able to be recalled without distress.” Well, this is precisely the definition that is too broad. I personally have a lot of memories that I experience or re-experience with distress. Yet these memories are not accompanied by the list of symptoms in the table above.
For me what made the experience traumatic was the truly life course-changing nature of the trauma. The answer to the question, “Will I ever be the same?” for me defines trauma significant enough to cause PTSD. The trauma that causes this disorder redefines us in a way that is different from other emotionally significant experiences. This trauma strikes at the core of our identity.
The final controversy surrounds the treatment of PTSD. Interestingly, there is no question that medications (SSRIs, particularly Zoloft) are very helpful. The problem is though that when a person goes to a physician and receives a medication, he/she is by definition “sick.” Assumption of a “sick role” or “victim identity” is one of the many factors that slow recovery from PTSD.
Many therapists are of the belief that “debriefing” or retelling the story is necessary for recovery. One group of researchers reviewed the studies on debriefing and concluded that there is no scientific evidence that it prevents PTSD. Instead, the evidence points to post-trauma factors like social support and “additional life stress” being most important.
How can we put this all together? Considering last week’s post, those who experience trauma serious enough to have stress hormone overdose as manifested by dissociation, are likely to also develop PTSD. An examination of the symptoms of PTSD reveals that at the core of the disorder is the fact that the person really doesn’t believe in his/her heart that the trauma has ended. PTSD is about ONGOING, not past, trauma. For those of us whose lives were assaulted by a sociopath, there is ongoing stress. The stress is the social isolation, financial ruin, and threatened further losses long after the relationship has ended. Those who recover from this without PTSD work hard to put the trauma behind them in every way.
Putting the trauma behind you does not mean you can’t take medication to help with the process. It does mean facing those bills, former friends, and other personal issues you want to avoid. Remember AVOIDANCE STRENGTHENS FEAR.
Above all, stop the ongoing trauma by ending contact with the sociopath. Do not assume a sick role, instead, work to stay healthy. Fight to be the person you want to be. Don’t allow this single experience to define you. Make living for today the place you love to be. As Louise Gallagher says in her recent post, “This is, in many ways, the greatest challenge of recovery — to accept the past is simply the route I took to get to where I am today, a place I love to be. The past cannot be changed. It cannot be altered. It cannot be made ‘better.’ It can only be accepted so that it, and I, may rest in peace with what was, eager to accept what is true in my life today.”
Skylar
Thank you for the link to Dabrowski. I will pursue his theories. I find far more truth there than in Maslows’s hierarchy (which never felt complete to me, logic was full of holes.).
Darwinsmom
Your post of 1039am has so many epiphanies and conclusions and leads to follow that I hope you have it saved a copy of your post some place where you can access it for a while. FULL of intelligence and a path for you. I found, in my miseries, that when I am overloaded, sometimes I just need to “BE”, and I write to myself, I write my way to a path. I Think Skylars recommendation of Dabrowski may resonate with you. Def Worth a look.
Louise,
you’re welcome.
from the article:
I think our intensity of feeling is what attracts the spaths to us. They instinctively know that they can dramatize any situation to watch us emote and they can feed off that. They are looking for extreme emotional reactions and in us, they get it on a silver platter. That’s why they choose us.
And that’s why gray rock works. Being boring is really the key.
Edit:
Katy, we posted over each other.
Good idea about reading more Dabrowski, I’ll try to find more stuff too.
His perspective seems to be that the OE or HSP is gifted and therefore has great potential. What none of these philosopies address is the role that a parasitical spath takes in the life of an OE. We don’t exist in a vaccuum, there are spaths everywhere and they are ATTRACTED to us. That is our main challenge. If we can overcome that, hopefully our natural giftedness will blossom.
Skylar
I don’t think there is a way to identify spaths, at least in initial contacts. Nor do I think there is a repellant (am ambidextrious, so does that make me half spath?!??) . I think the only solution is boundries. My boundries were weak b/c of my childhood abuse experiences AND b/c of my nature, the annoying why child who pursues inquiries until the logic runs its course.
Don’t let Oxy see this post b/c I was totally rude to her and told her she was wrong. Once upon a time, she said I’d be stronger as a consequence of my spath marriage. I argued that I was permanently damaged and would NEVER recover. I was the one that was wrong. I am NOT permanently damage. I am however, EVOLVED, permanently changed, and changed for the better b/c my boundries were forced to be created/strengthened, which allows me to interact with spaths and their minions, and yet not let them enter into my emotional headspace (boundries!) and not allow them power in my life (boundries!).
The problem in looking for a one size fits all solution to spaths is that they aren’t the only toxic form of humanity. SO many minions provide an spath a backdoor entry into our worlds. And SO many people with flat personalities that give spaths power over us (employers, medical, etc). So you see, it’s not just spaths. It’s a whole range of people.
I did not think of myself as someone with extreme emotions although I knew I was a more sensitive person than the norm. What made me attractive to my spath was 1) my empathy 2) people tried to control me w/rejection from the group and exclusion didn’t bother me, (i didn’t “belong” in my family and had learned to be okay with being alone, actually PREFER to be alone a lot so I can pursue my interests w/o having to be interrupted by others – selfish of me isn’t it!). What I learned was I actually did have a rejection threshold, it was just on a much emotionally deeper level. The emotional disconnection from my child is gutting to me. The disconnection from myself was gutting to me. The emotional betrayal of what I thought my husband to be was gutting. The shunning of his family was NOT, in fact, I was PROUD to be shunned by them. To NOT belong in a group of thugs and opportunists is a mark of HONOR to me.
And there you have it, I talk too long and go off subject. I do think the OE is gifted and has great potential and when they are idenfied young and properly nurtured, I see them as the scientists of the world, saving mankind from it’s many assaults. But if born into an spath family, what a FN nightmare to extract yourself when you are young enough to find the path to pursue a worthy life….my life/energy has been so wasted trying to just escape the spath world. And yet, as old as I am, I still seek to spend these last few years in pursuit of some real contribution to mankind.
Boundries. That’s my only logical solution to the spath/toxic people delimma. Thx for Dabrowski. Ps Atlas Shrugged Part 1 coming out on DVD in Nov. Should provide some points of worthy discussion.
Yes Katydid,
After I read it this morning after I woke up and digested the first read, that’s when the past 3 years started to make sense… not just my responses to the spath, to the break-up, to the loss of the jobs, to the watchdog in Peru. It made it all fit into the development I’ve been going through ever since my existential crisis when I was 27-28, then years ago. Dabrowski would have called that my unilevel disintegration, where I ended up rejecting social mores and motivations which I thought I had believed because of upbringing and constructed a new life out of it that gave me personal meaning, and I didn’t care if it was unconventional in the eyes of others.
I acquired skills and formed an ideal to work towards which can be labeled as spontaneous multilevel disintegration by using the opportunities that came along.
But I’ve reached a point where I don’t want to be a slave anymore to my weaknesses. I have repositioned several of the traits as strengths, but as with everything, what is a strength can also be a flaw at the same time. I want to integrate the skills I chose to learn with the talents and gifts I was born with, so I can conquer my flaws.
In part, it means realizing a state where I will be free to choose… this skill (whether learned or innate) is appropriate right now, and this skill isn’t. I’m learning this by conscioiusly deciding who deserves my trust, my love and my giving and who doesn’t. It’s the ability to choose to remain no contact, no matter how much you’d love to throttle him.
The reason why I stayed in the relationship for so long, even though I had tried to break up before, knowing full well that he was destructive to my life, was because I kept observing and observing, and barely processed all of it, let alone act upon it. Eventually, he broke up with me. So, while I may be a skilled observer, it’s of no use to me if I can’t do something with it to make my life better. Of course, we’re all doing things with it now, in the aftermath. But we also hope to process and decide faster when next a spath is drawn to us.
True, it’s not a weakness to stand aside and watch the going ons of others, like I did as a child. It has its strengths and avantages, but the observation talent is like seeds on barren soil if I’m unable to process it in more rapid time span and act upon it before it is too late.
Thank you again, sky, for the article… it helped me see how I pushed myself beyond boundaries and actually help me realize what needs developing 🙂
I cannot post that much, until I get a new charger for my laptop. I am stuck on bedrest due to early contractions. It is no fun being pregnant in your late 30s! I snuck out of bed for a bit to the PC as I am going crazy!
I had bad PTSD about 4-5 years ago. I thought I was losing my mind, and I wanted to go to the “nut house”, so they would drug me up and make it stop. I went to a psy and he laughed at me as he told me I wasn’t even close to crazy. He also said they would not let me stay at the “nut house”, and I didn’t need any meds to get better. He sent me to counseling, and after about a year or so I did get better. I didn’t really want drugs, anyway. I just couldn’t take it anymore.
I always had anxiety, but with my childhood it would be par for the course. My brother and I were kidnapped at a very young age, for about 3 weeks, by my dad. I was molested, by 2 women at the time. My parents also had the worst taste in mates (they divorced when I was very young. My dad was drinking nonstop and hitting my mom.), and so we grew up around a lot of abuse.
My mom got stage 4 cancer in her sinuses, and was not expected to live very long at all, when I was in my early 20s. She was very sick and on very high doses of pain killers (morphine, patches, etc…). She was mean and very abusive during this time, but she was so sick and I had to take care of her. My brother said he could not handle her. This went on for almost 10 years! We don’t know how many years she was cancer free, but they kept telling her she still had it. Ugh, stupid drs! She was drugged on Chemo and morphine almost the whole time, until I insisted she go to the Mayo Clinic. They are the ones who told her if she still had it, she would have been dead years before. After their biopsies, they were right! The masses that she was being told were still cancer were actually infection!
Half way during those 10 years, I broke up with a jerk I had been dating. I guess he didn’t understand goodbye, and stalked me for years. I still hide from him. He had done it to his ex before me, but I did not know that until it was too late. The SOB got really bad and was trying to break into our house at night. He actually was going to kill us all, with the help of my P cousin and his P wife.
Too many years of crap dealing with death and then the threat of my life and esp my kids. I started getting horrible heart issues (I am a thin woman, healthy, and I was only 30 at the time), and I was afraid to sleep at night. Then when my husband was running us into the ground financially, and I was the only one to deal with it my PTSD really kicked in! My mom was getting more abusive and my ex husband was just awful. It was the last straw for me, and my mind responded.
I had terrible night terrors, and then they started when I was awake. I would see myself dead, and then there would be nothing. No heaven, no after life, just nothing. That scared the crap out of me, and I became insanely fearful of dying. This went against everything that I had in my heart, and it was not me. I had horrible panic attacks, and I did everything I could to hide them. I started to become afraid to even drive at night, and then I started getting dizzy during the day. I had all the PTSD sxs, except I didn’t go back and relive them in my head. It was horrible, and I did have to put up a show that I was alright, and I did hide it very well. I had kids, and so breaking down wasn’t an option.
I had to get a surgery during this time, and afterwards I almost died. (long story) That just kicked everything in full gear, and that is when I finally went to get help.
Counseling didn’t help me. I went for a year, and it was nice to feel like someone was there to help me. It just didn’t do much. My counselor finally told me she did not know what to do with me, and she suggested I go see some other lady for dsmr (?) treatment or consider taking meds. I was already mad at my counselor from 2 weeks prior, so I just never went back again.
So, how did I fix myself? I opened my eyes. In the visit 2 weeks prior, with the counselor, my ex had gone with me (still my husband at the time). I was under so much stress from the crap he was pulling, and that is why she requested he come to my visit. I sat there and watched him snow her in just a 1/2 hr. She felt so sorry from him, and said he was suffering depression. I watched him lie and bat his sad little boy eyes. At that point, I knew he was nothing but a con. He conned everyone, including me. I had already known this, but it took that to really hit me. I started looking at my life, and I made some major changes. When I would panic, I would tell myself to stop and that it was just my brain reacting to the stresses. I got to where I could stop my panic when it was just starting, and pretty soon it all just stopped.
Divorcing my husband and removing toxic people from my life is what fixed me. I got so much better once I pulled the wool from my eyes. I did stay roommates with my ex while we were separating. I was awaiting a job across the country and there was some delay with it. It was my job, but they had some issues prior to my hiring with another district in the company. My husband came home one day from work, and he was very angry and stressed out. He was acting nutty and irrational. He told me that his insurance company no longer had life insurance on me. I told him that was fine since we were separated, but he was throwing a fit saying he had to get it back on. I slept in my room, with both my kids, doors locked with a chair propped up against it. I was scared, and probably didn’t really sleep much. I called my mom, and asked if I could stay with her a couple of weeks while I was on my way to my new job 2000 miles away. I was going to leave asap! The next day my husband comes home from work much happier. He informs me that it is okay that he does not have life insurance on me, he still had it on both my kids! I left 2 days later, and stayed with my mom in another state.
After about a month, at my new place and new job, I no longer had ANY panic or sxs of PTSD at all. I did start to get them a little bit when I was with my exP bf. I knew what that meant, but it took me a while to understand. Duhh! I did get more of the other sxs by being with him, and he triggered my PTSD for about 3-4 months. That is when I really realized what my PTSD meant. I think it is a reaction to them, well S/P/N. Now, I use my PTSD sxs and anxiety attacks as warning system for people I should not be around, among other things such as red flags.
Oh, and as far as ever being the same. I never will. That is okay with me! Life is about learning and growing. I do not want to be the same. Ignorance may be bliss until you get to learn the hard lessons of toxic people.
I do not ever want a S/P/N in my life again, and I will happily take these new changes and understandings in my life then to let someone like that back in again. I think I screwed up enough by trusting them in the first place. So, I guess I do not want to be the same!
Dear TruthBTold,
Sorry you had to learn these lessons at such a high tuition to the school of hard knocks.
Hope you feel better soon and “all comes out okay” with your preg. Being preg at any age is a “pain” but it doesn’t go on forever, thank goodness! Best Wishes and God bless.
“I don’t think there is a way to identify spaths, at least in initial contacts…”
KatyDid;
Tbh, if you stay emotionally unconnected, sociopaths are identifiable early on. Most of us saw red flags we ignored.
Thanks for the Dabrowski link it is fascinating and I am certainly an OE-type person and agree with the potential for success and failure and joy and pain. We not only are natural targets for sociopaths, but our “hopefulness” causes us to ignore their disfunction.
I also like Dabrowski because his theory puts a positive view to some traits that mainstream physiology attributes to disorders, i.e, borderline or histrionic.
behind_blue_eyes: “Tbh, if you stay emotionally unconnected, sociopaths are identifiable early on. Most of us saw red flags we ignored.”
True! At first objective sight I wanted to stay away from my spath as far as I could, and even when he initially opened his box of tricks on me I knew he was a wrong man. And my gut and intuition always kept nagging me that he was wrong. It’s like as if I yanked the wool sweater out of his hands and pulled it over my eyes myself, for no other reason than the emotional reaction he started to cause within me. But when my mom or my therapist ask me, when did you start to realize something was not right with him… I cannot pinpoint a starting event, because I always knew. I just had no name for it, and another part of me started to sum up all the lovebombing action versus the unexplainable intuition long enough until I believed it.