A syndrome called post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) can affect victims of sociopaths. The trauma of losing love, friends, family, possessions and of enduring psychological/physical abuse is the cause of this disorder. To fight the symptoms of PTSD, it is helpful to understand the symptoms and how they relate to loss and trauma.
As I read through the current literature on PTSD, I quickly discovered that there is a fair amount of controversy regarding this disorder. We can actually learn about the disorder by listening to the arguments. The first question on which there is much disagreement is, “What trauma is severe enough to cause PTSD?” There were several editorials by experts disparaging the fact that everything from giving birth to a healthy baby to a boss yelling at an employee is now said to cause PTSD. Most experts are in favor of reserving this diagnosis for people who have suffered truly unusual life experiences, like kidnapping, rape, war, 911, etc.
The problem is that many people do experience severe stress reactions to difficult life circumstances. It remains to be determined what we should call these reactions.
Those of us healing from our relationship with a sociopath often vacillate between accepting the trauma and minimizing it. Thus, the argument about what kinds of trauma are severe enough to cause PTSD has a direct effect on us. The argument can leave us feeling weak, like we should be able to get over this. After all it wasn’t as bad as 911, Iraq or Katrina—or was it?
The second question is “what symptoms constitute PTSD?” The following table shows the most common symptoms seen in a group of 103 British men and women diagnosed by psychiatrists with PTSD (Current Medical Research Opinion, 2003):
| Symptom | Frequency (n=103) |
| Insomnia | 98 (95%) |
| Anxiety at reminder cues | 96 (93%) |
| Intrusive thoughts, images, sounds, sensations | 94 (91%) |
| Irritability | 93 (91%) |
| Poor concentration | 93 (91%) |
| Diminished interest in significant activities | 88 (85%) |
| Recurrent dreams of trauma | 86 (83%) |
| Avoidance of activities or places associated with the trauma | 85 (83%) |
| Foreshortening of expectations about the future | 80 (78%) |
| Detachment from others | 78 (76%) |
| Avoidance of thinking or conversing about the trauma | 75 (73%) |
| Poor appetite | 69 (67%) |
| Hypervigilance | 55 (53%) |
| Startle reactions | 46 (45%) |
| Acting or feeling as if the event was recurring | 37 (31%) |
| Inability to recall parts of trauma (amnesia) | 19 (18%) |
I put up this table because I thought that a number of you would also endorse these symptoms. Notice that “acting or feeling as if the event was recurring” was really not that common. But similar symptoms, like “Intrusive thoughts, images sounds and sensations,” were very common. Amnesia was also uncommon. Startle reactions were only seen in half of the subjects.
A feeling of a foreshortened future is a particularly debilitating symptom because it impairs a person’s ability to plan for the future and leads to a sense of hopelessness. I will expand on this further, but I strongly believe this feeling of a foreshortened future has to do less with our thoughts about our past, and more with our thoughts about our present.
As I look at this list of symptoms, I am struck by the fact that many, many of those writing into Lovefraud complain of these symptoms, particularly nightmares. There is something special about having had emotional involvement with an aggressor that seems to produce nightmares. Since so many have all of the most common symptoms, I think it has to be that the trauma of life with a sociopath is severe enough to cause this disorder in many people.
Here’s where defining exactly what trauma is gets sticky. Rachael Yehuda, Ph.D., said in a recent article published on MedScape, “One of the things that biology has taught us is that PTSD represents a type of a response to trauma, but not the only type of response. It is a response that seems to be about the failure to consolidate a memory in such a way as to be able to be recalled without distress.” Well, this is precisely the definition that is too broad. I personally have a lot of memories that I experience or re-experience with distress. Yet these memories are not accompanied by the list of symptoms in the table above.
For me what made the experience traumatic was the truly life course-changing nature of the trauma. The answer to the question, “Will I ever be the same?” for me defines trauma significant enough to cause PTSD. The trauma that causes this disorder redefines us in a way that is different from other emotionally significant experiences. This trauma strikes at the core of our identity.
The final controversy surrounds the treatment of PTSD. Interestingly, there is no question that medications (SSRIs, particularly Zoloft) are very helpful. The problem is though that when a person goes to a physician and receives a medication, he/she is by definition “sick.” Assumption of a “sick role” or “victim identity” is one of the many factors that slow recovery from PTSD.
Many therapists are of the belief that “debriefing” or retelling the story is necessary for recovery. One group of researchers reviewed the studies on debriefing and concluded that there is no scientific evidence that it prevents PTSD. Instead, the evidence points to post-trauma factors like social support and “additional life stress” being most important.
How can we put this all together? Considering last week’s post, those who experience trauma serious enough to have stress hormone overdose as manifested by dissociation, are likely to also develop PTSD. An examination of the symptoms of PTSD reveals that at the core of the disorder is the fact that the person really doesn’t believe in his/her heart that the trauma has ended. PTSD is about ONGOING, not past, trauma. For those of us whose lives were assaulted by a sociopath, there is ongoing stress. The stress is the social isolation, financial ruin, and threatened further losses long after the relationship has ended. Those who recover from this without PTSD work hard to put the trauma behind them in every way.
Putting the trauma behind you does not mean you can’t take medication to help with the process. It does mean facing those bills, former friends, and other personal issues you want to avoid. Remember AVOIDANCE STRENGTHENS FEAR.
Above all, stop the ongoing trauma by ending contact with the sociopath. Do not assume a sick role, instead, work to stay healthy. Fight to be the person you want to be. Don’t allow this single experience to define you. Make living for today the place you love to be. As Louise Gallagher says in her recent post, “This is, in many ways, the greatest challenge of recovery — to accept the past is simply the route I took to get to where I am today, a place I love to be. The past cannot be changed. It cannot be altered. It cannot be made ‘better.’ It can only be accepted so that it, and I, may rest in peace with what was, eager to accept what is true in my life today.”
Mrose and Carolyn,
Being involved with a sociopath can leave you completely traumatized and devastated. I feel it is important to know what kind of person you were dealing with and know that it is not your fault. Realize that you were exploited and this is NOT NORMAL. It sounds trite, but just knowing the truth will help you in your healing.
It was a very short relationship with a P that brought me to this site. However, I was involved with an emotionally unavailable man for 3 years who probably had some P tendencies as well. The way I was discarded for another woman while we were living together also left me feeling like I’d been hit by a mack truck. When I finally got a letter of “apology” from him, he mentioned that the woman he left me for played him, and it was the first time he had ever loved a woman. Can you imagine how that made me feel? It was as if he backed up the truck and ran me over again. That relationship ended 7 years ago, and it is not until now that I am learning I am not to blame for what happened in that relationship–that he is personality disordered. For years, I wondered what was wrong with me. Now I know that whoever he ends up with will go through the same hell I went through. With the latest sociopath, who I believe is a true sociopath, I was lucky enough to figure out something was very wrong after 2-1/2 months and get out. This happened last July, and I still have some PTSD symptoms from that as well. I am amazed at the extent of damage these types can do to normal, empathic people.
20 years is a long time to spend in the company of such an evil person. So is 5 years for that matter. These years and memories become a part of your history, thoughts, and memories. I know there are special techniques for dealing with all of these painful memories–EMDR, NLP, and other forms of trauma work. I have not tried very much of it, but it might be worth looking into if the PTSD symptoms are persistent.
They weasle in upside down , while they are learning your needs , They hold the Mirror perfectly still so you only see What you want to see! There is no reward for their energy and cunning , just a fleeting pridefull delite when they twist the Knife ! You and me Are as important as Butts ! But we take it Personally because we Bond to someone we think we love ! I still Love Him but there is no value in love for Him! LOVE JJ
It’s true, Indi. I was reading a chapter in “How to Spot a Dangerous Man”. I got to the chapter on emotional predators, and my jaw dropped. This chapter could have been written about me and my S. They have a psychic sense for picking women from abusive backgrounds, who grew up without a father, or who have unmet emotional needs. How they know this is beyond me. Mine targeted me from a website about reptiles (as many people here know). At the time, I was probably the most popular person on the site and made many friends there. He noticed this right away and must have decided that the legendary Stargazer would be a good conquest. However, I don’t know how he figured out about my background because I rarely talk about it there. I don’t come off as lonely or needy; I really just goof around over there and help others with their snake health problems. And yet he knew. Their knack for seeking out this type of victim is uncanny.
Stargazer,
I don’t know that they can sense us as good victims from a picture or totally unrelated profile such as a Snake site but I think once we start to engage, we get hooked quickly. There are women that told Bad Man to F-Off right from the get go. There are women who said they sensed something was off very early.. then there was me that ignored all the bad feelings and red flags because he used his magic words.. the words I wanted to hear. After that, I would tolerate nearly anything. Sad to admitt but I have to be truthful with myself. His behavior was intolerable very early on in the relationship.
These days, I love to watch women who stand up for themselves and tell people where to go when it’s necessary. I sail and there is a fun lady that doesn’t take any crap from the guys. Sometimes, when I hear her put a guy in his place, I think to myself… why didn’t I think about that? I watch and I learn.
the biggest thing I have learned from the Bad Man is… well, I think I will write about that later. :o)
Alohatraveler:
“…then there was me that ignored all the bad feelings and red flags because he used his magic words.. the words I wanted to hear. After that, I would tolerate nearly anything. Sad to admit but I have to be truthful with myself. His behavior was intolerable very early on in the relationship.”
You summed up relationship with S perfectly. I remember relatively early on in our relationship he said “This is the first relationship I’ve been in where there’s been communication.” Those were the magic words for me.
Of course, that was the last time we communicated about anything. And as you read in my article, S’s behavior to me was intolerable very early on in our relationship.
I’m still learning to stand up for myself and draw my lines in the sand. Deconditioning myself from being a people pleaser and reconditioning myself to assign value to myself are ongoing processes.
Look forward to reading what the biggest thing you learned from the Bad Man.
Hey guys,
My S’s behaviors made me a little uncomfortable at the beginning, but I didn’t regard them as red flags. I thought maybe he was just lonely, coming on to me so strong. As soon as I told him I was only interested in friendship, he apologized and backed off and behaved only as a friend. He didn’t try to hug me or anything and didn’t make any inappropriate comments. The transformation was amazing. He just said he enjoyed spending time around me, and I enjoyed his company too. He would send me an email after we’d spend time together telling me how much he enjoyed the time and that I am a “wonderful, intelligent, and yes, beautiful” person. I didn’t see that as a problem. I thought for once I’d found a really sweet guy that I wouldn’t go through an act of Congress to get his attention. It was a few weeks later when all the games started. But I didn’t understand them as games till the final discard. That’s when it all became clear what had happened.
For me, the confusion was partly having been overprotected. I had a wonderful father and awsome big brothers who treated women respectfully and at worse perhaps overprotected them, but I honestly had no clue anyone could be so decietful and mean spirited. It was the late “60s” when little info was out there and the general attitude was that “people don’t air dirty laundry.”
My X was a pathalogical lier and did everything he could to get me back for finally leaving him. First, he tried to turn our children against me with lies, then he told them they were not really his legitimate kids, I was a cheat, etc. Then when nothing worked he turned hostile toward to them to hurt me.
This is the clencher; My adult children were planning a wopper of a birthday party for my 60th, and he died the day before the birthday and party. They were notified that they needed to go to Reno to hear the will. Party was canciled and they attended his funeral and attended the meeting, only to learn that he had left all his life innsurance to his latest mail-order wife #6 and left his blood children unremembered. I sware, he picked that day to die on purpose LOL
Caroln A Silvers: I had a father who loved his wife (my mom) and his children unconditionally.
I am so grateful to be born into his family.
Peace … and remember these great memories of your Dad … for they are the true men that are worth everything in the world … not the shameful selfishness of our EXs.
Carolyn, is that not the ultimate selfish act! He made people miserable when he was alive and even in his death too. They are just such horrible people.
Dear Carolyn,
They use ANY way they can to hurt those people that refuse to be their victims—a lack of a bequest is one of those ways, it seems to be the last thrust. My P-bio-father was quite wealthy, but He hated me so badly that Iknew he would not leave me a dime, unless it was designated as to be used to “buy enough rope to hang herself” so I wasn’t expecting any thing, and had not seen him im 40+ years. However, I was contacted, sent a copy of the will, and estate etc. and out of his four children, three of us were not even mentioned by name, but were referred to as “my other children” and all was left to his youngest son (my half brother) and then he said “and they know why.”
I wasn’t in the least disappointed that he left me nothing, and in fact, reliazed that if he had left me $10 million I would NOT HAVE WANTED IT. That seems strange really, even to me, because for years I had visualized hiring an attorney and challening the will that I knew would have left me nothing (sort of like the young Anna Nichole Smith challenged her 90 yr old husband’s will and ended up getting several millions of dollars). But I also realized that I had no desire for that either. He was not important to me any more, and neither was the money. Not because I am rich and couldn’t use a few million, but because I DON’T WANT ANYTHING (even money) CONNECTED TO HIM.
I realized something about myself in the process too, and that I had finally seen that everything about him was “fake” and was “evil” and that even included his money. If he had left me money (fat chance!) I would have donated it to some cause that he would have hated, and not spent a dime on myself. LIke shelters for abused women in his home town. LOL
Your X leaving his money to his “mail order bride” (or him having a mail order bride) is typical, and when my father’s 6th or 7th wife whom he moved into his home as an “employee” when she was 15, and he was still married to the previous wife, got a divorce several years later and took him for quite a few millions, I was actually glad for her because (1) SHE EARNED EVERY DIME OF IT and (2) SHE DESERVED IT. All of his wives previous to that got out with their LIVES and not much else and that included my mother.
I don’t believe that just because someone sired or gave birth to me I am “entitled” to a bequest in their will or any of their property. To me, a bequest is a “gift,” not an “entitlement.” I think though, from the way that you wrote the above, that your children thought that they were going to get something from him, but that is one of the things “they” do—rip the rug out from under your expectations and usually at THE MOST INCONVENIENT TIME.
I do hope that your children are not bitter about him and/or who got his money. I would “guarentee” that poor woman EARNED every dime of whatever she got. She too was a victim, and if she was a “mail order bride” from some foreign country, she probably was DESPERATE to get out of there for anywhere or any one.
Many of these “mail order brides” (I have known a few) get “picked” by psychopaths precisely, I think, BECAUSE they have no or few other options and the Ps can have TOTAL CONTROL over them. They are essentially legal SLAVES who are so “hungry” that they will sell themselves into “bondage” in exchange for a place to live. Having spent considerable time in third-world countries and known the living conditions there, I have a great deal of empathy for some of these women.
God bless you and your children, at least the P is GONE physically, and I hope you and your children can heal emotionally from having had this EVIL man in your lives. Peace.