A syndrome called post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) can affect victims of sociopaths. The trauma of losing love, friends, family, possessions and of enduring psychological/physical abuse is the cause of this disorder. To fight the symptoms of PTSD, it is helpful to understand the symptoms and how they relate to loss and trauma.
As I read through the current literature on PTSD, I quickly discovered that there is a fair amount of controversy regarding this disorder. We can actually learn about the disorder by listening to the arguments. The first question on which there is much disagreement is, “What trauma is severe enough to cause PTSD?” There were several editorials by experts disparaging the fact that everything from giving birth to a healthy baby to a boss yelling at an employee is now said to cause PTSD. Most experts are in favor of reserving this diagnosis for people who have suffered truly unusual life experiences, like kidnapping, rape, war, 911, etc.
The problem is that many people do experience severe stress reactions to difficult life circumstances. It remains to be determined what we should call these reactions.
Those of us healing from our relationship with a sociopath often vacillate between accepting the trauma and minimizing it. Thus, the argument about what kinds of trauma are severe enough to cause PTSD has a direct effect on us. The argument can leave us feeling weak, like we should be able to get over this. After all it wasn’t as bad as 911, Iraq or Katrina—or was it?
The second question is “what symptoms constitute PTSD?” The following table shows the most common symptoms seen in a group of 103 British men and women diagnosed by psychiatrists with PTSD (Current Medical Research Opinion, 2003):
Symptom | Frequency (n=103) |
Insomnia | 98 (95%) |
Anxiety at reminder cues | 96 (93%) |
Intrusive thoughts, images, sounds, sensations | 94 (91%) |
Irritability | 93 (91%) |
Poor concentration | 93 (91%) |
Diminished interest in significant activities | 88 (85%) |
Recurrent dreams of trauma | 86 (83%) |
Avoidance of activities or places associated with the trauma | 85 (83%) |
Foreshortening of expectations about the future | 80 (78%) |
Detachment from others | 78 (76%) |
Avoidance of thinking or conversing about the trauma | 75 (73%) |
Poor appetite | 69 (67%) |
Hypervigilance | 55 (53%) |
Startle reactions | 46 (45%) |
Acting or feeling as if the event was recurring | 37 (31%) |
Inability to recall parts of trauma (amnesia) | 19 (18%) |
I put up this table because I thought that a number of you would also endorse these symptoms. Notice that “acting or feeling as if the event was recurring” was really not that common. But similar symptoms, like “Intrusive thoughts, images sounds and sensations,” were very common. Amnesia was also uncommon. Startle reactions were only seen in half of the subjects.
A feeling of a foreshortened future is a particularly debilitating symptom because it impairs a person’s ability to plan for the future and leads to a sense of hopelessness. I will expand on this further, but I strongly believe this feeling of a foreshortened future has to do less with our thoughts about our past, and more with our thoughts about our present.
As I look at this list of symptoms, I am struck by the fact that many, many of those writing into Lovefraud complain of these symptoms, particularly nightmares. There is something special about having had emotional involvement with an aggressor that seems to produce nightmares. Since so many have all of the most common symptoms, I think it has to be that the trauma of life with a sociopath is severe enough to cause this disorder in many people.
Here’s where defining exactly what trauma is gets sticky. Rachael Yehuda, Ph.D., said in a recent article published on MedScape, “One of the things that biology has taught us is that PTSD represents a type of a response to trauma, but not the only type of response. It is a response that seems to be about the failure to consolidate a memory in such a way as to be able to be recalled without distress.” Well, this is precisely the definition that is too broad. I personally have a lot of memories that I experience or re-experience with distress. Yet these memories are not accompanied by the list of symptoms in the table above.
For me what made the experience traumatic was the truly life course-changing nature of the trauma. The answer to the question, “Will I ever be the same?” for me defines trauma significant enough to cause PTSD. The trauma that causes this disorder redefines us in a way that is different from other emotionally significant experiences. This trauma strikes at the core of our identity.
The final controversy surrounds the treatment of PTSD. Interestingly, there is no question that medications (SSRIs, particularly Zoloft) are very helpful. The problem is though that when a person goes to a physician and receives a medication, he/she is by definition “sick.” Assumption of a “sick role” or “victim identity” is one of the many factors that slow recovery from PTSD.
Many therapists are of the belief that “debriefing” or retelling the story is necessary for recovery. One group of researchers reviewed the studies on debriefing and concluded that there is no scientific evidence that it prevents PTSD. Instead, the evidence points to post-trauma factors like social support and “additional life stress” being most important.
How can we put this all together? Considering last week’s post, those who experience trauma serious enough to have stress hormone overdose as manifested by dissociation, are likely to also develop PTSD. An examination of the symptoms of PTSD reveals that at the core of the disorder is the fact that the person really doesn’t believe in his/her heart that the trauma has ended. PTSD is about ONGOING, not past, trauma. For those of us whose lives were assaulted by a sociopath, there is ongoing stress. The stress is the social isolation, financial ruin, and threatened further losses long after the relationship has ended. Those who recover from this without PTSD work hard to put the trauma behind them in every way.
Putting the trauma behind you does not mean you can’t take medication to help with the process. It does mean facing those bills, former friends, and other personal issues you want to avoid. Remember AVOIDANCE STRENGTHENS FEAR.
Above all, stop the ongoing trauma by ending contact with the sociopath. Do not assume a sick role, instead, work to stay healthy. Fight to be the person you want to be. Don’t allow this single experience to define you. Make living for today the place you love to be. As Louise Gallagher says in her recent post, “This is, in many ways, the greatest challenge of recovery — to accept the past is simply the route I took to get to where I am today, a place I love to be. The past cannot be changed. It cannot be altered. It cannot be made ‘better.’ It can only be accepted so that it, and I, may rest in peace with what was, eager to accept what is true in my life today.”
Superkid,
Your question about your egg donor being an N or a P, actually she sounds like she is BOTH.
People who are “N”s” are not therefore eliminated from being Ps as well…or bi-polar, or ADHD, or left handed…they can be ALL of the above as well. In fact, many times people who are Ps are ALSO Bi-polar and ADHD and more often than in the general population, left handed as well.
All Ps are narcissistic, but not all narcissistic people are psychopaths.
The main thing that you must understand is that anyone who is TOXIC like she is: (see the list you posted) is not someone you want in your life. Good luck, and God bless.
One joy,
I like that VERY SHORT letter. Well done.
One, Oxy
Thanks for the feedback. Yes. Toxic.
SK
Superkid,
I think you know my take on it. The difference is the mask. N’s will not bother too much with masks. They feel entitled to do what they do. Psychopaths have quite an attachment to their masks because they know that if removed, you would see an empty space behind it, filled with the green slime of envy. People would shriek and run in horror. Can’t have THAT. So they play the nice, loving, sweet person. Of course they need to vent, so every once in a while they prepare the scene for a dramatic event where YOU caused them to throw a tantrum because of the way that YOU were behaving, etc…
The dichotomy of the mask vs. what’s behind the mask, is what makes a spath, IMO.
One/Joy: Ditto on the kudos for the short letter sitting in your neighbor’s mailbox. Hope she appreciates and responds to your concerns! Good luck!
Skylar,
Yes. I am contemplating that.
The bizarre thing is that my mom is just so shallow. She keeps so much going on that you can’t breathe long enough to see it.
I’m not sure if this is a mask or not.
Can I ask a question?
Somebody posted on here in the last day or two, a name that I don’t see often (not Erin, Not Hens, Not Oxy, not You, not One, not Louise)…..it was a link to an article that maybe she wrote? and in the article she mentioned a number of spath related websites. Perhaps Michael came from there?
Anyway I have been struggling to find that thread again.
The whole CLOWN thing was very instructive to me, I bet the MICHAEL thing woulda been but it was deleted already, I want to see more of it.
SK
Ack, finally found the link.
moveingon says:
Donna, you are getting your message across and thank you for all your efforts otherwise I would have gone mad x I did make a contribution to this article re: “current wife”, the message is out there, thankfully.
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/hom…..g-man.html
Sk, check your email.
the letter wording is pretty much katydid’s. it makes a whole lot of sense to me. really, i don’t want to talk to the neighbour – but i will. i am freaked out by her apparent lack of concern. she KNOWS there is a problem and doesn’t really care.
Sky and Sk – Sky’s theory about mask/ no mask works if i apply it to my dad and the spath – the diff is very clear.
i knew a murderer years ago – i am pretty sure he is a spath too. but he TOLD me some of what he had done – but i think it was very much done to control me. So sky, how do i apply your theory in this situation?
the n ex was furious when i challenged her perception of herself as the ‘all right, all loving all smart blah blah’ – so does that perhaps mean she is a spath? (AND she keeps repeating like bad beans…)
an n ex boss – would twitch when his mask slipped a bit. he was SO grandiose. he worked VERY hard to keep up appearances. of course many of the people around him were not greedy pigs and didn’t come from the corp. world he did and saw right through him. everyone around him was beholden to him. he left a swath of destroyed business relationships behind him, and would recommend that i call some of those people for things. of course i got an earful when i did. there was one guy in particular that my whole dept thought was bonkers…..oh yah, the n boss was so smooth that we all thought it was the other guy. the n boss even called me months after i challenged his supremacy as god and he fired me. he called to ‘see how i doing’ like he hadn’t fucked over everyone i knew (and me) 10 ways to sunday from day 1. he had decided to fire me and yet took me on a company trip to keep up appearances…spath?