A syndrome called post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) can affect victims of sociopaths. The trauma of losing love, friends, family, possessions and of enduring psychological/physical abuse is the cause of this disorder. To fight the symptoms of PTSD, it is helpful to understand the symptoms and how they relate to loss and trauma.
As I read through the current literature on PTSD, I quickly discovered that there is a fair amount of controversy regarding this disorder. We can actually learn about the disorder by listening to the arguments. The first question on which there is much disagreement is, “What trauma is severe enough to cause PTSD?” There were several editorials by experts disparaging the fact that everything from giving birth to a healthy baby to a boss yelling at an employee is now said to cause PTSD. Most experts are in favor of reserving this diagnosis for people who have suffered truly unusual life experiences, like kidnapping, rape, war, 911, etc.
The problem is that many people do experience severe stress reactions to difficult life circumstances. It remains to be determined what we should call these reactions.
Those of us healing from our relationship with a sociopath often vacillate between accepting the trauma and minimizing it. Thus, the argument about what kinds of trauma are severe enough to cause PTSD has a direct effect on us. The argument can leave us feeling weak, like we should be able to get over this. After all it wasn’t as bad as 911, Iraq or Katrina—or was it?
The second question is “what symptoms constitute PTSD?” The following table shows the most common symptoms seen in a group of 103 British men and women diagnosed by psychiatrists with PTSD (Current Medical Research Opinion, 2003):
| Symptom | Frequency (n=103) |
| Insomnia | 98 (95%) |
| Anxiety at reminder cues | 96 (93%) |
| Intrusive thoughts, images, sounds, sensations | 94 (91%) |
| Irritability | 93 (91%) |
| Poor concentration | 93 (91%) |
| Diminished interest in significant activities | 88 (85%) |
| Recurrent dreams of trauma | 86 (83%) |
| Avoidance of activities or places associated with the trauma | 85 (83%) |
| Foreshortening of expectations about the future | 80 (78%) |
| Detachment from others | 78 (76%) |
| Avoidance of thinking or conversing about the trauma | 75 (73%) |
| Poor appetite | 69 (67%) |
| Hypervigilance | 55 (53%) |
| Startle reactions | 46 (45%) |
| Acting or feeling as if the event was recurring | 37 (31%) |
| Inability to recall parts of trauma (amnesia) | 19 (18%) |
I put up this table because I thought that a number of you would also endorse these symptoms. Notice that “acting or feeling as if the event was recurring” was really not that common. But similar symptoms, like “Intrusive thoughts, images sounds and sensations,” were very common. Amnesia was also uncommon. Startle reactions were only seen in half of the subjects.
A feeling of a foreshortened future is a particularly debilitating symptom because it impairs a person’s ability to plan for the future and leads to a sense of hopelessness. I will expand on this further, but I strongly believe this feeling of a foreshortened future has to do less with our thoughts about our past, and more with our thoughts about our present.
As I look at this list of symptoms, I am struck by the fact that many, many of those writing into Lovefraud complain of these symptoms, particularly nightmares. There is something special about having had emotional involvement with an aggressor that seems to produce nightmares. Since so many have all of the most common symptoms, I think it has to be that the trauma of life with a sociopath is severe enough to cause this disorder in many people.
Here’s where defining exactly what trauma is gets sticky. Rachael Yehuda, Ph.D., said in a recent article published on MedScape, “One of the things that biology has taught us is that PTSD represents a type of a response to trauma, but not the only type of response. It is a response that seems to be about the failure to consolidate a memory in such a way as to be able to be recalled without distress.” Well, this is precisely the definition that is too broad. I personally have a lot of memories that I experience or re-experience with distress. Yet these memories are not accompanied by the list of symptoms in the table above.
For me what made the experience traumatic was the truly life course-changing nature of the trauma. The answer to the question, “Will I ever be the same?” for me defines trauma significant enough to cause PTSD. The trauma that causes this disorder redefines us in a way that is different from other emotionally significant experiences. This trauma strikes at the core of our identity.
The final controversy surrounds the treatment of PTSD. Interestingly, there is no question that medications (SSRIs, particularly Zoloft) are very helpful. The problem is though that when a person goes to a physician and receives a medication, he/she is by definition “sick.” Assumption of a “sick role” or “victim identity” is one of the many factors that slow recovery from PTSD.
Many therapists are of the belief that “debriefing” or retelling the story is necessary for recovery. One group of researchers reviewed the studies on debriefing and concluded that there is no scientific evidence that it prevents PTSD. Instead, the evidence points to post-trauma factors like social support and “additional life stress” being most important.
How can we put this all together? Considering last week’s post, those who experience trauma serious enough to have stress hormone overdose as manifested by dissociation, are likely to also develop PTSD. An examination of the symptoms of PTSD reveals that at the core of the disorder is the fact that the person really doesn’t believe in his/her heart that the trauma has ended. PTSD is about ONGOING, not past, trauma. For those of us whose lives were assaulted by a sociopath, there is ongoing stress. The stress is the social isolation, financial ruin, and threatened further losses long after the relationship has ended. Those who recover from this without PTSD work hard to put the trauma behind them in every way.
Putting the trauma behind you does not mean you can’t take medication to help with the process. It does mean facing those bills, former friends, and other personal issues you want to avoid. Remember AVOIDANCE STRENGTHENS FEAR.
Above all, stop the ongoing trauma by ending contact with the sociopath. Do not assume a sick role, instead, work to stay healthy. Fight to be the person you want to be. Don’t allow this single experience to define you. Make living for today the place you love to be. As Louise Gallagher says in her recent post, “This is, in many ways, the greatest challenge of recovery — to accept the past is simply the route I took to get to where I am today, a place I love to be. The past cannot be changed. It cannot be altered. It cannot be made ‘better.’ It can only be accepted so that it, and I, may rest in peace with what was, eager to accept what is true in my life today.”
Kathy: When I read your post, I could relate to what you are coming through. I just spent the past five years looking over my shoulder and being dragged around emotionally and psychologically by a very evil person. I am not just saying that either. I spent TWO solid years, sobbing. I sobbed so much, I ended up having a massive heart attack that almost took my life.
There is no way I will ever let my guard down and there is no way I will ever allow this person around me, not ever again. He is unstable and the manifestation of evil itself. The only thing missing was the head spinning around and it probably does that too, like when he is in the bathroom, alone.
From the very beginning of my experience, which lasted ten years, I have been aware of my safety and the instability I witnessed before the ‘fog’ came and “IT” completely overtook my life, twisted it, twisted me, then attempted to murder me; threatened me and my life over and over; I know what that is all about. It has only been quiet the past two weeks, in my life, FOR TEN YEARS: from the first moment I laid eyes on “IT”….
I do not live in drama, chaos, fear. “I” have control over my situation and I will not, NEVER, AT NO TIME, fool around about my life anymore, nor my safety. When I realized “WHAT” I allowed around me, like within a breaths distance, it makes my spine shiver and not because I am afraid of dying, but because I know he would kill me in a heartbeat, if he had the chance. Not from anything “I” have “DONE” or “NOT DONE”…he equates everything that has happened in his life, to being ‘my fault’ because I have always spurned his attentions….they don’t like being ignored. So they bully and threaten and push around…it makes them feel HUGE when they can capture someones attention like this.
The only thing you can do is insure your safety no matter what. Cease ALL communications if you still have any. I have been stalked for the past ten years and I don’t put ANYTHING past them. I would make sure that my environment is safe.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN THE POLICE SAID FOR YOU TO NOT CALL THEM? I have never heard such a thing. WHERE DO YOU LIVE?
That is absolutely unacceptable. Of course, I am blessed to being ‘used to’ having AMAZING BACK UP where I live who are all aware of the situation and afford me the ability to sleep at night. I am not afraid of him anymore and I may be underestimating “IT” but I don’t think so because “IT” don’t like CELLS. And that is exactly where “IT” would be going, if there are ever anymore ‘surprise’ visits.
We have to do those things that enable us to survive no matter what. I suppose we could just ‘give up’ but that isn’t an option when dealing with a psychopath. THAT is the difference between a sociopath/psychopath: one is violent and the other is not. One spins webs and the other spins webs and then uses them to tie you up with while they torture you.
I spent a few solid years, fearing for my life. Seriously. I still do but not like before. And the scariest part was: I did nothing to deserve any of this ugliness. He took me to the edge of a cliff and shoved me off the edge and it just really pissed him off that when he shoved me off that edge? I grew wings and flew right back to the spot where he pushed me from.
I WON.
Be proud of who you are and stand for your value and worth. Make a new start; leave it all behind. Remember your value and worth as a person and follow that path to yourself. Concentrate on yourself. Take care with your diet; your safety; (attend martial arts classes; empower yourself!!)….set boundaries and mean them.
It took me a long time to figure out that my supposed ‘best friend’ actually hated my guts and was doing everything he could to harm me, in every conceivable way, including but not limited to ‘insanity’. I have PTSD, MDD and agoraphobia. I also now have a fatal heart condition due to adrenalin overload. In effect, by my not completely setting down boundaries, I let a for real psychopath into my ‘safety zone’, without ever realizing it before it was too late. I am back, though. Stronger than ever because I KNOW WHO I AM. And, so do you.
Just turn the ‘switch’ off and put it behind you the very best as you possibly can and don’t ever buy into it, not ever again.
Stay true to yourself.
You will be in my prayers.
Dupey
Kathy0707, PSTD is not a theory – it is a true condition and it can spiral WAY out of control, especially when we’re being stalked and are subsequently DE-VALUED by Law Enforcement that was sworn to “serve and protect!”
I eventually sought counseling when PSTD became beyond my ability to control. I had become hyper-vigilant, extremely depressed, and fearful to the point where my physical health began to become an issue. I managed this situation without the use of medications, and it was not easy.
I posted about this on another topic, but DOCUMENT everything, Kathy0707! File a complaint to Internal Affairs, especially with regard to the “don’t call” remark!!! Just wishing for this to stop is not going to get the job done. It’s not going to stop and the police are seeming to enable the stalkers and re-victimizing YOU! So….yeah.
Brightest blessings.
Truthspeak,
Thanks for your post but I am terrified of the police at this point. I have gone to them in this new city and all they’ve told me to do is to get a restraining order. Well, I worked at a domestic violence shelter and know that sometimes they backfire – as in the psychopath becomes even more enraged and then gets violent. A lawyer I consulted did warn me of the dangers.
As far as going to the DA (which I also wanted to do), I was told I had to go up through the chain of command in the police dept before I could do that. Well, I was being dismissed (to put it lightly) by the PD so I knew that would be an exercise in futility.
Oh, and regarding the “don’t call” remark, the woman who told me this did so in front of a witness, but then turned around and sent me a sappy sweet email telling me “of course call if I needed to.” She didn’t mean a word of it but she knew she could not say “don’t call” so she covered her butt in writing.
Maybe I’m just in denial, but I am really hoping that the stalking ends as I’ve told the stalkers that there is no way they will not get caught (eventually) where I live now. It’s a gated community (at night) with a very strong blockwatch program. Plus, one other thing I don’t think I mentioned is that no one wants anything to do with me now where I live (no one wants a problem) so I’m really trying to maintain a low profile. I can document, but I’ve read that what stealth stalkers do is just enough (as in very small things) to let you know they’ve been there but not enough for you to report it to the police.
I did call the police (not identifying myself) and ask what I was supposed to do if and when both my house alarm and car was tampered with again and they said “call us if you see anyone.” Well, I’m not going out to investigage in the middle of the night and put my life at risk so that most likely isn’t going to happen. Plus, I really need to keep a low profile here now as I’m worried about getting kicked out of where I live if anyone sees anymore “problems” (as in police here). The situation is more complicated than I’m getting into and I’m sorry I can’t explain more, but I really do appreciate your concern.
Back_from_the_edge,
I am so very sorry that things got to the point where they affected you so dramatically physically. I do hope that you are able to find some peace on a daily basis to take care of you both physically and otherwise and that that horrible person gets what he deserves and disappears from your life! I also do understand the agoraphobia part of things as I find myself not wanting to leave the house either.
Right now my focus has been shifted to my mother who is in the hospital due to a fall. She is 90 plus and broke her pelvis in two places along with her tailbone. This is very serious in that she wasn’t doing well before (she has other health issues) and the mortality rate for someone in her situation is 27% at one year, so I am very worried about her. I don’t have time to be worried about me right now and I just take it one day at a time.
Ox,
Thanks so much for the advice. I am working on feeling safer and I do take it a day at a time. I really want to quit smoking (btw, congrats on you doing so as I read in another post here!) and focus on my health. I have two packs of cigarettes left and then I am going to try to put on the patch and see how far I get with that. Meanwhile, I have a great Dr. who gives me something to deal with the anxiety so if things get bad I always have that.
Kathy,
Stopping smoking is definitely a challenge, and I had “tried” to many times before but always KNEW in the back of my mind I would cheat and “fail” but this time I made up my mind to QUIT. NO BS, just QUIT! It still is hard sometimes but I make it and I will NOT give up. The patch or pills or gum do help, so use whatever you need. Good luck, you CAN DO IT!
sorry about your mom, and I know that concerns you, but just keep her comfortable at this point and spend as much time with her as you can. It is true that the mortality rate for serious falls, injuries and breaks is very high. Keeping her as pain free as possible and as MOBILE as possible even if it only means sitting up instead of lying down is good too. (Sorry that’s the nursie in me! LOL)
But DO take care of yourself too (see my other article “Taking care of our Own needs first”) You can’t take care of Mom if you don’t take care of yourself. (((hugs))) and God bless.
I wasn’t going to read tonite, let alone post, but I can’t live a day right now without my sisters.It’s somtimes hard to be here, but even harder not to be. Kathy, I hardly know what to say to someone who has been through as much as you have. I just want to address the issue with law enforcement. Less than a week after my spath called the police and reported that I had assaulted him, (you all know I didn’t, but that I had experienced several assaults at his hands), a close friend of mine was taken to county jail because a third party witnessed her defending herself from her abusive, drug addicted boyfriend and called the police. Because this witness only saw her response, she was cuffed, shoved into the back of a police car and taken to county. The current environment seems to be that the police will discount any past abuse you have suffered and side with the male offender. I’m sure most of you know that police officers have a very high rate of domestic violence. A restraining order? Why bother? A spath will ignore it and put you in the hospital before anyone can respond. It’s a piece of paper, not a physical shield.
Take care of yourself the best you can. Some days you will be better and some days you will think that you will never be better. Sometimes you will feel all of these things in the space of a couple of hours. I just spent 3 hours sitting on the patio of some good friends talking and enjoying the beautiful desert evening. I felt happy. I felt good. I felt like me. Fifteen minutes after getting home I was crying uncontrollably, throwing things and cutting. PTSD is an almost inevitable result of having been victimized by a spath. When the wounds are fresh it’s sometimes hard to believe it will get better – I don’t believe it will get better right now. But I have faith that it must because those who are more removed from the immediate trauma tell me it will. I’m going to bed now and tomorrow I will continue the struggle and tomorrow will be better. God bless.
Justbree,
You mentioned “cutting”—are you cutting yourself?
Are you in therapy? If not, you need to be. Find some help. Hurting yourself is a way to “stop the pain” as “crazy” and backward as that sounds but it isn’t a healthy way. It is a very destructive way and something that you can get some help for.
It isn’t only the cutting itself, it is the fact that it is a symptom of a much deeper pain. ((((Hugs))) God bless
JustBree, I appreciate your comments. I agree with you about a restraining order (at least in my case – for some it can help). From the reading I’ve done, 75% or so will violate it. I had a cousin who got one and it kept her perp away (ex who stalked her), but he had beaten her up and been jailed for it so I think once they’ve been in jail a restraining order can help (it did in her case).
In my case, my “stalkers” consist of a rich white mail, a pretty wife and a young daughter. I am just an overweight menopausal (or post now) single woman. Who are the police going to believe and side with? I’m sure he could talk sports with them, etc. Also, it did not help I had a “friend” (former friend) who came to visit who blabbed all my personal business (was going through a very tough time back then) to both the neighbor who sold him the house and the neighbor across the street who befriended him (them). AND, he put it in writing! (Long story there). This same “friend” refused to even say “I’m sorry for your loss” or “My condolences” the morning my father died. Four months after the funeral I got a sympathy card. My dad was a good man so why he did this to me I’ll never understand. This “friend” then came and stayed with me (I gave him my bedroom and I slept on the sofa as he was an older gentleman but just platonic and we’d known each other for over 10 years) went on to STEAL from me. He stole a couple of things I can’t replace (well, I can replace none of what he took) and that was the final straw. My point is his meddling and big mouth did me no favors if that info was passed onto the police. The cards were stacked against me and his “cards – and I mean literal hard paper cards that you mail” may well have had a hand in that.
I do believe there is hope in store. I slept a lot yesterday and woke up thinking, “hey, this place where I live isn’t so bad.” I also am going to force myself to go to a Spanish group this a.m. that I haven’t been to since before the stalking. I simply must jump back into some sort of life. The one thing I’ve learned though (and I’ve read it in some of these posts) – be very careful who you share things with. Too often the victim is blamed. I had (HAD) another friend of 37 years who told me *I* had the problem and not the stalkers. She made light of their attempts to poison my dogs on four separate occasions. She has been kicked to the curb. Just goes to show that no matter how long you know someone, you may never really know them. So I agree with you that PTSD is an almost inevitable result of the aftermath of an SPath, but even ordinary folk (like the two former “friends” I mention) can inflict a LOT of damage which compounds the problem.
I am SO glad I found Lovefraud and only WISH I had found it during the time I was going through hell with the N/NS. It could have saved me a lot of heartache, but better late than never!
JustBree, I just read Ox’s post and I missed the word “cutting.” I must agree with Ox. If you are doing this, please seek help. I can tell you there are some great therapists out there and I have one. There are some not so great ones too and, if you’re interested, I will share a tip on how to find a good one at no cost to you (I’ve perfected this, unfortunately). At any rate, you take good care of yourself and let me know if I can help. xoxo
kathy,
doesn’t sound like the former friend were orginary folks, at least not the one that blabbed about you, parasited on you to have a bed, never condoled your loss and stole from you. Spathic at the very least imo. I know of NO “ordinary” adult person who’d be that insensitive, callous, parasitic and abusive to people, let alone their friends. Same goes for someone making nothing out of poisoning dogs and telling you that you are the problem.
Friends and family don’t always want to hear about the ex-spath, and wish for me to move on; they sometimes wonder how on earth I stayed with the guy for 2 years. But they’re not telling me I’m the one with the problem. I consider them normal, oridinary people!
Quite frankly, those “friends” who reveal themselves to be laughing and gossiping at my expense, telling me I was a fool and stupid, and would betray me by stealing stuff, live on my shoulder, etc… those are what I call after-spaths. The main spath came out of the woodwork, and with the victim down, the minions feel safe enugh to dance on a grave… Puke!! They aren’t ordinary people at all… but spathic minions
🙂
Thanks, Ox.
You’ve mentioned two articles now but this site has so much info and I tried searching for the first one you mentioned (neighbor kills woman) and couldn’t find it. If there is an easy way to find these resources, I’d love to know.
It is so great that you are bound and determined that this is your final quit. I do hope I have some success. I did quit for 15 years once, so I know I have it in me. My cousin died not too long ago from lung cancer (at 56) and I would like to prevent this from happening to me. Smoking is a bad habit (addiction), expensive and one isn’t exactly put on a pedestal for being a smoker.
Anyway, it’s great that you’ve done such an important thing.
darwinsmom,
Thanks and you might be right. Maybe I am just a magnet for these types. Thing is, the thief never revealed any of these traits until my father’s death. I attribute part of his behavior to getting hooked on SOMA. That’s not an excuse, but he was popping those things by the handful after he started taking them. I think it might have changed him into someone other than the person I met initially.
There’s NO excuse for the woman I knew for 37 years, and I consistently tried to set boundaries with her, but even she went beyond the pale when my father was dying. She lost her Mom at 67 and really resented my father living to 95. Still, she did not have to use the F word and my father’s name in the same sentence just because he was old, as if I wasn’t suppose to care he was dying. So I really didn’t realize JUST HOW BAD these people were until my father went into hospice. I once read a saying that “Grief changes your address book” and boy that is an accurate saying.
Too, I have to accept responsibility to putting up with TOO much and giving people chance after chance. I was like this with the N/NS (I always put the N first as he was your quintessential N, no holds barred). I gave that guy more chances and, in retrospect, I should have walked at the VERY first sign of trouble. And there were many signs. But because he worked in mental health and did such an honorable job I just overlooked so much.
Anyway, thanks for pointing things out. Maybe I don’t even know what “normal” or “ordinary” is. As much as I love my mother, she does exhibit some N traits (I feel guilty saying this) and so maybe part of what I learned in childhood is that others are right and I am wrong and that my feelings are wrong. I don’t know. Still, she’s my mother and the only one I’ll ever have so I’ll always be loyal – to her.