A syndrome called post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) can affect victims of sociopaths. The trauma of losing love, friends, family, possessions and of enduring psychological/physical abuse is the cause of this disorder. To fight the symptoms of PTSD, it is helpful to understand the symptoms and how they relate to loss and trauma.
As I read through the current literature on PTSD, I quickly discovered that there is a fair amount of controversy regarding this disorder. We can actually learn about the disorder by listening to the arguments. The first question on which there is much disagreement is, “What trauma is severe enough to cause PTSD?” There were several editorials by experts disparaging the fact that everything from giving birth to a healthy baby to a boss yelling at an employee is now said to cause PTSD. Most experts are in favor of reserving this diagnosis for people who have suffered truly unusual life experiences, like kidnapping, rape, war, 911, etc.
The problem is that many people do experience severe stress reactions to difficult life circumstances. It remains to be determined what we should call these reactions.
Those of us healing from our relationship with a sociopath often vacillate between accepting the trauma and minimizing it. Thus, the argument about what kinds of trauma are severe enough to cause PTSD has a direct effect on us. The argument can leave us feeling weak, like we should be able to get over this. After all it wasn’t as bad as 911, Iraq or Katrina—or was it?
The second question is “what symptoms constitute PTSD?” The following table shows the most common symptoms seen in a group of 103 British men and women diagnosed by psychiatrists with PTSD (Current Medical Research Opinion, 2003):
| Symptom | Frequency (n=103) |
| Insomnia | 98 (95%) |
| Anxiety at reminder cues | 96 (93%) |
| Intrusive thoughts, images, sounds, sensations | 94 (91%) |
| Irritability | 93 (91%) |
| Poor concentration | 93 (91%) |
| Diminished interest in significant activities | 88 (85%) |
| Recurrent dreams of trauma | 86 (83%) |
| Avoidance of activities or places associated with the trauma | 85 (83%) |
| Foreshortening of expectations about the future | 80 (78%) |
| Detachment from others | 78 (76%) |
| Avoidance of thinking or conversing about the trauma | 75 (73%) |
| Poor appetite | 69 (67%) |
| Hypervigilance | 55 (53%) |
| Startle reactions | 46 (45%) |
| Acting or feeling as if the event was recurring | 37 (31%) |
| Inability to recall parts of trauma (amnesia) | 19 (18%) |
I put up this table because I thought that a number of you would also endorse these symptoms. Notice that “acting or feeling as if the event was recurring” was really not that common. But similar symptoms, like “Intrusive thoughts, images sounds and sensations,” were very common. Amnesia was also uncommon. Startle reactions were only seen in half of the subjects.
A feeling of a foreshortened future is a particularly debilitating symptom because it impairs a person’s ability to plan for the future and leads to a sense of hopelessness. I will expand on this further, but I strongly believe this feeling of a foreshortened future has to do less with our thoughts about our past, and more with our thoughts about our present.
As I look at this list of symptoms, I am struck by the fact that many, many of those writing into Lovefraud complain of these symptoms, particularly nightmares. There is something special about having had emotional involvement with an aggressor that seems to produce nightmares. Since so many have all of the most common symptoms, I think it has to be that the trauma of life with a sociopath is severe enough to cause this disorder in many people.
Here’s where defining exactly what trauma is gets sticky. Rachael Yehuda, Ph.D., said in a recent article published on MedScape, “One of the things that biology has taught us is that PTSD represents a type of a response to trauma, but not the only type of response. It is a response that seems to be about the failure to consolidate a memory in such a way as to be able to be recalled without distress.” Well, this is precisely the definition that is too broad. I personally have a lot of memories that I experience or re-experience with distress. Yet these memories are not accompanied by the list of symptoms in the table above.
For me what made the experience traumatic was the truly life course-changing nature of the trauma. The answer to the question, “Will I ever be the same?” for me defines trauma significant enough to cause PTSD. The trauma that causes this disorder redefines us in a way that is different from other emotionally significant experiences. This trauma strikes at the core of our identity.
The final controversy surrounds the treatment of PTSD. Interestingly, there is no question that medications (SSRIs, particularly Zoloft) are very helpful. The problem is though that when a person goes to a physician and receives a medication, he/she is by definition “sick.” Assumption of a “sick role” or “victim identity” is one of the many factors that slow recovery from PTSD.
Many therapists are of the belief that “debriefing” or retelling the story is necessary for recovery. One group of researchers reviewed the studies on debriefing and concluded that there is no scientific evidence that it prevents PTSD. Instead, the evidence points to post-trauma factors like social support and “additional life stress” being most important.
How can we put this all together? Considering last week’s post, those who experience trauma serious enough to have stress hormone overdose as manifested by dissociation, are likely to also develop PTSD. An examination of the symptoms of PTSD reveals that at the core of the disorder is the fact that the person really doesn’t believe in his/her heart that the trauma has ended. PTSD is about ONGOING, not past, trauma. For those of us whose lives were assaulted by a sociopath, there is ongoing stress. The stress is the social isolation, financial ruin, and threatened further losses long after the relationship has ended. Those who recover from this without PTSD work hard to put the trauma behind them in every way.
Putting the trauma behind you does not mean you can’t take medication to help with the process. It does mean facing those bills, former friends, and other personal issues you want to avoid. Remember AVOIDANCE STRENGTHENS FEAR.
Above all, stop the ongoing trauma by ending contact with the sociopath. Do not assume a sick role, instead, work to stay healthy. Fight to be the person you want to be. Don’t allow this single experience to define you. Make living for today the place you love to be. As Louise Gallagher says in her recent post, “This is, in many ways, the greatest challenge of recovery — to accept the past is simply the route I took to get to where I am today, a place I love to be. The past cannot be changed. It cannot be altered. It cannot be made ‘better.’ It can only be accepted so that it, and I, may rest in peace with what was, eager to accept what is true in my life today.”
Kathy, if you quit for 15 years once you can do it again….just quit for the next 15 years! I was coughing blue every timie I lit up and every time I tried to laugh. As soon as I quit smoking I quit coughing. PERIOD.
MiLo has also quit, so we can help each other out….It sure is worth it. Cigs are about $5 a pack here (more actually) nearly $6, and if you “only” smoked one pack a day that’s over $2,000 per year. Frankly if my health wasn’t suffering I still couldn’t AFFORD to spend that much money on NON ESSENTIAL things. I sure can’t afford to spend that much on something that is HURTING my health. so keep on working toward quitting!
People think that it “calms your nerves” and that they will quit when they don’t have so much stress, but actually nicotine has the opposite effect on your “nerves”
I have been going through a lot of emotional trauma at the moment after getting dumped by a female sociopath 2 months ago. She left me cold. She wrote an email specifying no contact and threatening me with a restraining order should I have any contact whatsoever. This leaves me in a position of having no closure. I wrote one email response in return but did not receive a reply. I feel that she is sitting on a high seat and laughing at me like some evil demon that you see in horror movies. Its just terrible. This is the worst experience in my life and worst of all – I didnt see it coming. I spent a lot of money on this girl. I took her to fancy hotels. I took her travelling. I did many favours for her. She pressured me into marriage at a very early stage of our relationship (3 months) and kept saying to me that she wanted “security through marriage”. I however did not buy a ring or propose as I knew she was just after my money. She seemed to spend a lot of time conversing with other males, confiding with them behind my back and seeing them without my permission. She also met up with ex partners weekly. I had no choice in the matter as she had me walking on eggshells and threatened me with walking out at any given time. I was lonely and knew what it was like to be single so I followed her like a lap dog. Towards the end of our relationship I developed stress and psychological trauma due to her constant pressure and rushing of marriage. I developed impotence as a result and due to her high promiscuity she demanded that I have a operation in hospital rather than try natural remedies. It got so bad that she threatened me by saying that she would see ex partners to fulfill her sexual needs. Again – I was betrayed. She then left me cold via email and I have never heard or seen from her again. My friends tell me I had a “lucky escape” but I feel wronged, cheated on, confused, left out of pocket with money and humiliated and a general loss of a “sense of self”. Added to this, I have no closure, I am threatened with a restraining order should I make any contact at all. Please someone help me. I am drowning in the misery she has created. She is the most heartless arrogant person I have ever met in my life. She plays for power and has the ball in her court. She has given me NOTHING. ZILCH. NADA. I have no more confidence as she has robbed me of my confidence, just as she would thieve from other people. I cant believe I was so stupid as to let her into my life. I was lonely, depressed and she saw me as an “easy target”. Its just terrible. I really feel for all you people out there because I share and understand your pain.
Dear Sebbo_
You talk about what you did for this woman, how you spent money on her an dhow she still had sex with others and threatened you….you talked also about how lonely you were.
This woman was a WHORE, plain and simple. she wanted marriage to get her hooks into you and wehn she couldn’t she dumped you. Plain and simple.
You “bought” (or tried to buy) her love and she was only selling sex…your impotence will pass with time I think. You must realize that you cannot “buy” someone’s affections.
I strongly suggest that you order and read Donna’s latest book, The 10 Red flags of Love Fraud and then read it again and again until you see that this woman had every one of the RED FLAGS…she was a user.
You HAVE CLOSURE….she left you, she threatened a restraining order, she doesn’t want you. If that’s not closure you are not going to ever get any. She was USING you, and though you saw this, you kept trying to get her to change, she is not going to ever change. If you want a loving, kind and compassionate relationship you are going to have to get it by finding someone who will respect you and treat you well and not accepting less.
There is so much information here so read and read! You can heal yourself! God bless.
Kathy,
That friend of 37 years showed outright signs of envy! And then envy over how much longer your dad got to live than her mom, and so you weren’t entitled to grieve over your dad?!!!! What were you to do then? Throw a party that your dad died at the age of 96 and won one over your friend’s mother? Too ridiculous to think of. There’s your evidence of your 37 year long friend being at the very least an N!
I had to look up the meaning of SOMA. http://www.justice.gov/ndic/pubs10/10913/index.htm Is there any chance that it was used to enhance the effects of other drugs? While it’s addictive and has physical side effects (from withdrawal) I’m not sure it’s a personality altering drug. But other drugs may cause personality changes (alcohol, cocaine, heroine, crack, meth)… the ones I summed up make a person more egotistical and selfish… so are spathic making drugs.
Sebbo, I am so sorry you find yourself in this situation. And a restraining order to boot – that is over the top.
Regarding closure, that is something we all want. We all want desperately to make sense out of the unsensible. What I’ve learned is that it’s an exercise in futility. One night with my ex NS he told me he’d come over and give me the closure I so desperately wanted. I believed him. What he DID come over and do was to show me a newspaper picture with him and the Governor (and other people) and to tell me that two 30 somethings were after him. He was mid 50s at the time. That is the closure I got. IOW, NO CLOSURE. Just more aggravation and rubbing it in my face.
If I could count the times I wrote letters (only to be told that a letter was the most ridiculous thing he’d ever read) or a poem (only to be told it was “different” after I’d poured my heart and soul out), well…
I’m afraid we have to find the closure in ourselves (tough pill to swallow and to this day I can honestly say I STILL want closure). But the truth is, with these types we will never get it. It’s an inside job.
You say you spent a lot of money. Well, think of how much more you could have spent had things continued. This woman (and I’d prefer to use another word but I won’t) did not deserve a dime. She should be paying you for psychological damages.
My advice to you is to hold your head up high and not attempt any contact. In some warped way, maybe this restraining order is a blessing in disguise (and I say that hoping that this will not go on the record for you in a public way or way that will cause you harm in future endeavors). When I think of how I acted, reacted, all the phone calls in rage, all the emails, all the letters – OMG! The one thing I never did was drive by his house, thank God. At least he can’t accuse me of stalking him, even though he did slam me with that comment that I show those tendencies. No, I don’t. But I do admit I LOST IT on several occasions out of pure rage and had I had something like a restraining order in place, I would not cringe at some of what I did, which really only served to portray myself as crazy and make him think he was the end all, be all (which he needs know help with as he already believes that).
I don’t know what more to say except you came across an evil biatch, unfortunately. Take time to heal. Read a lot here. Out of all the places I’ve been on the Net in my battle to overcome this horrendous experience due to this NS person I met, this blog is by far the best. Hang in there and each day of no contact will bring you closer to healing.
darwinsmom,
Yes, it was ridiculous and maybe she was envious. She was constantly putting down my life events as not as important as hers. The truth is, I only had five more years on this planet with my father than she did with her mother as my father had me when he was much older. PLUS, the last ten years of his life he had Alzheimer’s so I really didn’t have “him” at all. Anyway, it was and is absurd and small and petty for her to have even voiced those things. She was the same way when I lost my little dog to an accident. No big deal – only a dog. Nevermind the fact I spent HOURS sobbing on the phone with complete strangers in places like UC Davis or University of Washington or anywhere I could find a pet grieving hotline.
As to her being an N, well, a subtle N maybe. The N I was involved with (NS) met all the criteria for full blown NPD so I guess I use that measuring stick now.
At any rate, she’s done. She did and said so many over the top things in the 37 years I knew her. I guess knowing her for 37 years was part of what kept me in that “friendship.” Just history.
She knows exactly what I think of her and I spared no words. She is an entitled, boundary crashing biatch and I’m glad I don’t deal with her anymore. I could go on and on but she simply is so not worth it.
darwinsmom,
Regarding the SOMA, yes, he would combine it with alcohol and Xanax at times. So when he did go blabbing or writing he was most likely under the influence of the drug or drugs. At any rate, I told him it changed him and turned him into a thief.
He wasn’t the person I met in 2000. That is for sure. Unfortunately, when drugs are involved it’s hard to tell if someone is really an SPath or not, as it just might be the drugs. Anyway, he’s history too.
I’d caution anyone in getting hooked up with anyone who seems to overdo any mind altering substance – be they a romantic relationship or otherwise.
kathy,
all her put downs on you and you not being entitled to your pain and grief are screaming envy and narcism to me. The “you have no right to complain when I had it so much worse” is as narcistic as it gets. They looooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooove claiming to be the sacrificial lamb, and nobody else gets to share that status.
darwinsmom, yeah, I can see what you mean. She told me my marriage meant nothing as it wasn’t as long as her marriage. She used to diminish my education (even though she does not have a high school diploma or GED and I have an MBA). She told me I’d have nothing (be nothing) without my parents’ help. Well, my parents helped all of their children but they sure did not sit through years of school for me or my siblings. Her famous line was “I’ve never seen you happy and I just want you to be happy” or “I know you better than anyone does” (and that included ME) or any therapist I might be seeing. In fact, she told me to STOP seeing my current therapist and get a new one (one that would think like her) in spite of the fact my therapist has been wonderful, accessible, supportive and even backed me up with the police.
So it was pretty much a constant barrage of “I just want you to be happy” with constant put-downs or orders. I remember her inviting me to Florida once and then uninviting me an hour later (her other friend no doubt didn’t want me there). She was famous for saying “Fly me there” (as I always lived out of state) and had the nerve to tell me she was a non-stop kind of girl (IOW, even though I do layovers to save money she doesn’t). Ugh. The list is endless. She most definitely had the entitlement part down, but she had a paradoxical sense of self esteem, so I just don’t know. Funny thing is she used to tell me to fly her to whatever city I was living in so she could be the interior designer for my house. My therapist here has told me I have a real knack for interior design. Go figure.
Sometimes labels just fall short. They can help us to recognize pathology but they can also convince us someone isn’t “that bad” for us if they don’t meet the criteria.
I guess the bottom line (although here is where it gets super tricky with SPaths) is how do you feel after you’ve takled with someone? Uplifted or drained? With SPaths I think it’s more about “do their actions match their words?” or “do you have a nagging instinct that something isn’t right or flat out wrong?”
You mention the part about the sacrificial lamb. Well, that to me goes along with the martyr (sp) thing. I think I’ve been guilty of that as I’ve felt a responsibility to shield my mother from what has really happened to me in my life to protect her. Whether I was going through hell or not my standard pat answer when asked how I am has always been “fine.” It’s only been in the last year or so I’ve started opening up more about things and she just can’t handle it. It becomes one of those “How do you think this is affecting me or this is hurting me.” So I guess the message is just shut up and keep saying “fine.”
And now that she is in the situation she is every answer will be fine whether it’s fine or not. Years ago I could have changed it but not now. Anyway, I’m just rambling but you are making me think about the true nature of the relationships that have affected me the most and how not to make the same mistakes again. I think at this point I’m so gun shy that aside from sharing things on a forum like this I will say nothing to others IRL.
Kathy,
You know, it does sound to me like this woman your “frenemy” of37 years was very envious of you.
Looking back over the “friendship” I had with a woman for 30+ years that I ended…I realize now, looking back more rationally, that she did envy me and mirror me. I get a parrot, she gets a parrot, I get a large dog, she gets a large dog. My large dog was a guardian dog for sheep and goats on the farm, a working dog and quite gentle, and she lived in town, had no idea how to train a large dog and eventually her dog (an aggressive breed) became so aggressive with her that her husband shot it. I get a Jack Russell terrier, she gets –guess what? A Jack Russell…she also got into the living history group after going to one event with me and is big time into it now.. and quite talented and has taught herself many skills such as basket making, spinning, knitting, weaving, etc.
You know, she was always making snarky comments about my education versus her high school diploma. Actually she is quite bright, and pretty well self educated as well, but she seemed to envy and resent my education.
I will admit, that as long as I kept my mouth shut when she would make snarky comments we got along well and had fun for 30 years….but the comments did hurt and so a few years ago I set a boundary—it lasted for several years and the comments and jabs stopped until a visit I had with her a little over a year ago when both she and her husband were absolutely brutal to me. I also realized that her husband is abusive…and I knew he was sort of snarky at times, but I realized this last visit that he is verbally (at least) abusive to her, she is depressed and very unhappy with her life and she is back to striking out and I said “no way, no more” and haven’t heard a word from her since. Don’t expect to.
I do imagine she said something nasty about me at the regional living history event in march. I know she was there and she would THINK I would have said something nasty about her to the people we know in common. Which I would NEVER do, but she would THINK I would so I think she would strike first.
But the bottom line is I DON’T CARE what she says about me to those people or anyone else.
I used to base my life on “what the neighbors thought” but no more. Mostly the neighbors (and other people) don’t think about me, so why should I worry about it?