A syndrome called post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) can affect victims of sociopaths. The trauma of losing love, friends, family, possessions and of enduring psychological/physical abuse is the cause of this disorder. To fight the symptoms of PTSD, it is helpful to understand the symptoms and how they relate to loss and trauma.
As I read through the current literature on PTSD, I quickly discovered that there is a fair amount of controversy regarding this disorder. We can actually learn about the disorder by listening to the arguments. The first question on which there is much disagreement is, “What trauma is severe enough to cause PTSD?” There were several editorials by experts disparaging the fact that everything from giving birth to a healthy baby to a boss yelling at an employee is now said to cause PTSD. Most experts are in favor of reserving this diagnosis for people who have suffered truly unusual life experiences, like kidnapping, rape, war, 911, etc.
The problem is that many people do experience severe stress reactions to difficult life circumstances. It remains to be determined what we should call these reactions.
Those of us healing from our relationship with a sociopath often vacillate between accepting the trauma and minimizing it. Thus, the argument about what kinds of trauma are severe enough to cause PTSD has a direct effect on us. The argument can leave us feeling weak, like we should be able to get over this. After all it wasn’t as bad as 911, Iraq or Katrina—or was it?
The second question is “what symptoms constitute PTSD?” The following table shows the most common symptoms seen in a group of 103 British men and women diagnosed by psychiatrists with PTSD (Current Medical Research Opinion, 2003):
| Symptom | Frequency (n=103) |
| Insomnia | 98 (95%) |
| Anxiety at reminder cues | 96 (93%) |
| Intrusive thoughts, images, sounds, sensations | 94 (91%) |
| Irritability | 93 (91%) |
| Poor concentration | 93 (91%) |
| Diminished interest in significant activities | 88 (85%) |
| Recurrent dreams of trauma | 86 (83%) |
| Avoidance of activities or places associated with the trauma | 85 (83%) |
| Foreshortening of expectations about the future | 80 (78%) |
| Detachment from others | 78 (76%) |
| Avoidance of thinking or conversing about the trauma | 75 (73%) |
| Poor appetite | 69 (67%) |
| Hypervigilance | 55 (53%) |
| Startle reactions | 46 (45%) |
| Acting or feeling as if the event was recurring | 37 (31%) |
| Inability to recall parts of trauma (amnesia) | 19 (18%) |
I put up this table because I thought that a number of you would also endorse these symptoms. Notice that “acting or feeling as if the event was recurring” was really not that common. But similar symptoms, like “Intrusive thoughts, images sounds and sensations,” were very common. Amnesia was also uncommon. Startle reactions were only seen in half of the subjects.
A feeling of a foreshortened future is a particularly debilitating symptom because it impairs a person’s ability to plan for the future and leads to a sense of hopelessness. I will expand on this further, but I strongly believe this feeling of a foreshortened future has to do less with our thoughts about our past, and more with our thoughts about our present.
As I look at this list of symptoms, I am struck by the fact that many, many of those writing into Lovefraud complain of these symptoms, particularly nightmares. There is something special about having had emotional involvement with an aggressor that seems to produce nightmares. Since so many have all of the most common symptoms, I think it has to be that the trauma of life with a sociopath is severe enough to cause this disorder in many people.
Here’s where defining exactly what trauma is gets sticky. Rachael Yehuda, Ph.D., said in a recent article published on MedScape, “One of the things that biology has taught us is that PTSD represents a type of a response to trauma, but not the only type of response. It is a response that seems to be about the failure to consolidate a memory in such a way as to be able to be recalled without distress.” Well, this is precisely the definition that is too broad. I personally have a lot of memories that I experience or re-experience with distress. Yet these memories are not accompanied by the list of symptoms in the table above.
For me what made the experience traumatic was the truly life course-changing nature of the trauma. The answer to the question, “Will I ever be the same?” for me defines trauma significant enough to cause PTSD. The trauma that causes this disorder redefines us in a way that is different from other emotionally significant experiences. This trauma strikes at the core of our identity.
The final controversy surrounds the treatment of PTSD. Interestingly, there is no question that medications (SSRIs, particularly Zoloft) are very helpful. The problem is though that when a person goes to a physician and receives a medication, he/she is by definition “sick.” Assumption of a “sick role” or “victim identity” is one of the many factors that slow recovery from PTSD.
Many therapists are of the belief that “debriefing” or retelling the story is necessary for recovery. One group of researchers reviewed the studies on debriefing and concluded that there is no scientific evidence that it prevents PTSD. Instead, the evidence points to post-trauma factors like social support and “additional life stress” being most important.
How can we put this all together? Considering last week’s post, those who experience trauma serious enough to have stress hormone overdose as manifested by dissociation, are likely to also develop PTSD. An examination of the symptoms of PTSD reveals that at the core of the disorder is the fact that the person really doesn’t believe in his/her heart that the trauma has ended. PTSD is about ONGOING, not past, trauma. For those of us whose lives were assaulted by a sociopath, there is ongoing stress. The stress is the social isolation, financial ruin, and threatened further losses long after the relationship has ended. Those who recover from this without PTSD work hard to put the trauma behind them in every way.
Putting the trauma behind you does not mean you can’t take medication to help with the process. It does mean facing those bills, former friends, and other personal issues you want to avoid. Remember AVOIDANCE STRENGTHENS FEAR.
Above all, stop the ongoing trauma by ending contact with the sociopath. Do not assume a sick role, instead, work to stay healthy. Fight to be the person you want to be. Don’t allow this single experience to define you. Make living for today the place you love to be. As Louise Gallagher says in her recent post, “This is, in many ways, the greatest challenge of recovery — to accept the past is simply the route I took to get to where I am today, a place I love to be. The past cannot be changed. It cannot be altered. It cannot be made ‘better.’ It can only be accepted so that it, and I, may rest in peace with what was, eager to accept what is true in my life today.”
no more, i was reading your blogs and that would be frightening to be stalked by an s. Mine pulls the she is stalking me to look important and i’d hate to have to call the police on anyone in this town after my last incident with a detective, i’ve lost alot of faith in police but my s is a coward so i don’t have to worry about that crap thankfully. At least your anger is towards him and not yourself. Most of the years i spent taking my frustration out on myself and i was also diagnosed with ptsd, disassociation and adhd and numerous trauma things while in a trauma program last year but im much better this year even aft losing my dad to cancer last summer. Any time away from these toxic people is time healing i’ve come to learn as nothing works better. Yours will get his own karma so don’t waste any more energy being pissed with him, he’d love it. I remember the angry spells i’d get into, now im more at a place of taking some responsiblity for my part in going back over and over but iwill always feel that i never ever deserved what i got from him but he is what h is, indifference is where i hope to finally get to. love kindheart
pb:
I liked what you wrote about your experiences. I’m sure a lot of us on here have shared similar experiences. I hope you don’t mind, but I took your post and changed the specific circumstances to fit my own experience, and I’ve added some other things … including the symptoms of PTSD that I have been experiencing.
RED FLAGS ”“ things that just didn’t feel right, right away:
Self-importance: Grandiose stories about his past. Things that went wrong were because of “the stupid people” involved (which was everyone except him). Stealing from his employer because his boss is “cheap” and he deserves better compensation. No matter how poor we were or how hard I had to work to support us, he couldn’t take a $10 an hour job because it was beneath him to work for such menial pay. Nobody lives up to his expectations, including HIS family, MY family, and ME!
Disrespectful ”“ A comment to me about my profession as a nurse (a career which I am proud of) “Any monkey can be a nurse. They’re like glorified waitresses”. Also placing blame for any and all problems between us as MY fault. When I told him that I made a decision at HIS request, he stated “I thought I could TRUST you to make a good decision.” The reason he withheld affection and sex from me for 8 years varied, but the latest reasons were “You’re too fat.” (overweight? Yes, obese? No). When I lost weight it was “You lost weight and you look good, now if only you weren’t so moody all of the time.”
A Tendency to Snap at work/Perfectionist ”“ Chastising those who worked with him (for free) at his request. “Are you blind? That’s totally crooked!”
No sense of the appropriate or boundaries ”“ socially, sexually, or financially: He was hooked on the thrill of spending huge amounts of money, lavishing gifts on the kids, every payday without concern about the pile of bills at home. None of the bills were in his name, but mine. When I complained, he asked me how I could deprive the children or how could I be so selfish. I could always be expected to work more overtime or get a loan on my wedding ring at the pawnshop until the next payday.
Rush to involvement: That first year, he treated me like the sun set and rose at my command. I was the most special person on earth. By the end of our first year, I was SO hooked!
He was always busy: Enjoying a life while I was at work. Cruising the web, watching porn on the computer, training the kids to wait on him hand and foot, relaxing, napping, finding things on eBay to spend my next paycheck on.
Lavish attention, purchases, and gifts: food, clothing for my daughter (grooming activities to lure her into a sexual relationship with him). When confronted about treating her like a princess and suspecting more than the typical father-daughter relationship, he said to me. “How can you think that? You are paranoid! You need professional help! How can you be SO jealous of your own daughter?! What’s wrong with you?”
Impulsive/need for instant gratification ”“ “I want what I want and I want it now” … with my income. Then he would say “We are a family. It doesn’t matter where our income comes from, it is OURS”. Of course, that’s easy to say if you are sitting home all day while the other person is putting in another 80 hours or better in one week. We couldn’t pay the property tax, but we HAD to have that desk on eBay for $2,000 and that scrumptious meal for 5 at the local high-end restaurant … for $300.
Overindulgence of MY daughter ”“ to confuse her as to what love is, secure her loyalty, to control her, and to appear a doting father to everyone else. He still has her.
Lack of real friends … for all of us under the same roof: Isolation is the key. It was absolutely imperative that my time off from work be spent only with him and the kids. He didn’t like my family and friends, so we never spent time with them. My daughter was isolated from school as he encouraged her to drop out with only an 8th grade education. When I complained, I was a bad parent for not helping her to realize her dreams. He made sure to convince her of that as well. It’s moms fault. He never liked to have friends himself … and discouraged people from getting too close to any one of us. We never entertained other people at our house. If you diagreed with his logic in ANY way, he would accuse you of being too stupid/crazy to see the truth.
Inexcusable Behavior: The princess (my daughter) had a closet full of name-brand clothes. The boys each owned 1 pair of jeans. He left the boys home alone ALL day, without supervision. The only food available to them was donuts and other junk food. It wouoldn’t have mattered if there had been any real food around, because every dish was dirty and piled over the entire kitchen. There wasn’t a clean space large enough to set down a cup of coffee. Undermining my authority with the children. We used to support each others decisions, but later he decided that even if I said no … he would say yes. Who do you think the kids liked better?
Rationalizing: Anytime he did something that was “wrong” he always had a “very good reason” for doing it. Stealing, lying, cheating, blackmailing, hurting others …. you name it. When he was finished rationalizing, people were on his side.
Insane jealousy: “If you go home to see your friends, don’t bother coming back. Obviously they’re more important to you than your own family.”
Trashing everyone he knows when they are not present: This included his own children. When they were there, he acted completely supportive and loving. When they were gone, “I can’t believe what an idiot he is. It makes me wonder if I’m really his father!”
No respect for a childs right to be a child and to love both parents. It’s about what he wants or needs, not anybody elses. “it’s your moms fault that we don’t live in Hawaii and get to enjoy the beautiful beaches. I wanted to live there but she said no.”
Involving our children in our arguments, pitting the kids and I against each other, when I was not there to defend myself. He told me that his son moved out at an early age because “He said you were too selfish”. His son later told me that he moved out because his father was too controlling.
Spying on me: Logging into my computer and email … then setting up a POP3 so that all of my incoming messages also go to an email account that he set up secretly for himself.
Reading my emails and journals: Then picking apart every thing I wrote and skewing the meanings. Taking subject matter out of context. Making threats and accusations.
Harassing me over money, expecting me to account for every penny. Accusing me of lavishing things on myself, or hiding money, while allowing him and the kids to starve and go without necessary things.
OBLIVION: Things I simply wasn’t aware of:
Cheating: with my own daughter!
Projection ”“ Abusive, cheating, lying, psycho, not normal, a freak, troubled”my life’s gonna “suck”, I must really like to be “alone”, I don’t know what “reality” is ”“ all things he accused me of but were in fact his issues. Ditto!!!
Rush to involvement ”“ I had no idea this was a sign of an abuser; to get you involved before you can figure out what it is you’re dealing with. For me, this didn’t mean imminent marriage … but imminent pregnancies.
The Smear Campaign/Pity Ploy: If you leave them … you know that this is a given. It starts before you leave, but you are not always aware of it initially, because you are never present when he does it. Since he does this frequently to others when they are not around, you gradually realize that you are no exception.
Ruining my happy moments intentionally: Celebrating Christmas with the kids, as a family, when I was at work instead of my day off. Trying to show me the pictures of how much fun they had on Christmas without me. On the day our first child was born, surprising me with the fact that he was not going to sign the paternity papers. On days when I felt happy just to be alive … finding something to say to ruin it and put me in a sad mood. Usually telling me was a big disappointment I was to him. Failing to recognize my birthday, Mother’s Day, and graduation from college.
THE FALLOUT for me: Symptoms of PTSD
Insomnia: Of course! Who wants to go to sleep when you know that there will be dreams about confrontations with him and/or my daughter. Actually, before I knew the truth about their relationship, I dreamed that I came home to find my daughter holding a baby. When I asked whose baby it was, she said “mine”. When I asked who the father was, my husband said “I am”.
Anxiety at reminder cues: I can’t listen to the same music, watch the same programs, or go to the same websites without reminders. Occasional comments by others reminds me of something he said or did. I dread shopping because it was one of his favorite activities.
Intrusive thoughts, images, sounds, sensations: From out of nowhere … causing anxiety and unrealistic fears.
Irritability: Low-tolerance threshhold. The kids are fighting … how can I handle this in a calm manner? I have to tell myself “Don’t yell … just see what’s going on”.
Poor concentration: It is affecting my daily life … from checking homework to losing my train of thought in conversation … to forgetting simple tasks at work.
Diminished interest in significant activities: Forcing myself to do something fun with the kids because I don’t have a “fun” mood. I want to sleep, a lot. I used to love photography, drawing, writing, listening to music. Not now.
Recurrent dreams of trauma: Last week I dreamed that I was in my car and lost control on the ice. I was spinning out of control and helpless to stop it. Last night I dreamed about another confrontation with my husband (again), who is (in real life) alluding the police. They are looking for him to serve divorce papers, (I think he believes they are planning to arrest him for the allegations my son made about his relationship with my daughter, but they’re not). In my dream, I found him, but he and my daughter just laughed at me and told me how stupid I was.
Avoidance of activities or places associated with the trauma: Loss of association with people I knew when i was with him as well. My instinct is to hole-up and lick my wounds.
Foreshortening of expectations about the future: I’m still there. I feel trapped in my situation and cannot think of a way out of it. Suicidal thoughts on occasion (which will never happen because of the vision of my children’s faces and knowing that I am their only hope).
Detachment from others: No, I don’t want a relationship! Leave me alone. I need my own place to get myself together … but I am stuck with a roommate who is pressing me to “cry on his shoulder”.
Avoidance of thinking or conversing about the trauma: Sometimes, it helps to talk about it, and sometimes talking about it destroys my ability to function … because the thoughts bring me deeper into sadness. I don’t want to wallow in it, I just want to forget about it for a while.
Poor appetite: I never thought this would be a problem for me … but I was wrong. The stress has caused a constant mild nausea and diarrhea. I don’t want to eat, but I force myself to eat at least once a day. I need my strength … for what, I don’t know.
Hypervigilance: That noise on the porch at night … is it my husband coming to steal the kids from me? No, he’s too clever to do it himself. He’d find someone to do it for him … someone he is blackmailing. I’m taking the kids to school by myself, lest they be snatched at the bus stop. If they must ride the bus, I watch them until they are safely aboard.
Startle reactions … ummm, no …. not yet. Unless you count being lost in thought and nearly missing that red light. WAKE up before you kill somebody! Sheesh!
Acting or feeling as if the event was recurring: It recurrs on a daily basis in my mind. I wish it would stop. I am suspicious of others motives … for speaking to me or complimenting me. I have lost my ability to trust. I have difficulty sharing compassion for others at the moment because I am so absorbed in my own thoughts and problems.
Inability to recall parts of trauma (amnesia): I tried to write down my experiences in the past 12 years. I have a few things there, but a lot of it comes in bits and peices when i am thinking about other things.
COPING SKILLS … or NOT from the fallout:
It’s amazing that I am still in one piece, but that doesn’t mean that I am coping effectively yet. I have been drinking alcohol more than usual “to take the edge off”. Not enough to get drunk or impair my ability to function. It started with my desire to get to sleep at night … one little beverage to mellow me out so I can rest. Then it was two little beverages to mellow me out. and now it seems that it is part of my routine. This worries me. The logical side of my brain is telling me that it’s not helping to take a depressant with an antidepressant. It’s not really helping me to get that good night’s sleep I’m looking for. It’s a crutch and it can sabotage my desire to heal from the experiences of the past 12 years. But the other part of my brain is saying “Shut up and leave me alone!”
Some days, I still feel like I am only circling the drain … and sometimes I just don’t care.
Kimberly
Hi kindheart. I also have been off the site for a while, but I of course remember you, I always enjoyed “talking” with you, you seem like such a sweet person and your screen name is perfect for you… as you are such a kindhearted person, it comes through in your posts.
You sound much stronger now than you were last year, I think I am a bit stronger myself. This site has helped me learn about “them”, but I think I learned more about myself and my responsibility, just as you said. We are not idiots, just people who were a little lost, out of touch with ourselves. I am trying to think postive things about myself these days. Maybe we can figure it out together.
Sorry if I am rambling on and on. I wish I could express myself in a more articulate way, I’m not too good with words.
OK, so that was not a positive thing to say! Aaarrrggghhh!
HI CHIC:
It’s true……in learning, we change/grow…..becuase we can’t help but look into ourselves to see what got us to ‘today’.
Good to see you posting…..stick around huh!
Keep on keeping on girl!
XXOO
Hi EB!!!!!! XOXOXO
You are fabulous!!!
Kimberly I can relate to so many of the things you have written about – I just can’t imagine how painful it can be for you that he is cheating with your daughter – isn’t that illegal??? How old is she? I can’t believe it actually. Mine has hooked up with someone younger – think this is a common ploy to make us feel bad about aging. But I can’t imagine it being a daughter – that’s just too much.
I can so relate to the ruined special occasions. Mine wouldn’t celebrate without me but would be sure to sulk the whole day then deny anything was wrong.
Ditto the spending – he worked and earned but would spend alll his own money and expect me to pay the bills. He had ruined his financial reputation and I didn’t want to ruin mine … so what can you do but pay them?
Always busy .. yep = always sitting at a computer while I ran around doing everything. Never once got up and offered to help – his ‘projects’ were always more important.
Rationalising – definitely. Everything was always not his fault – it was something else. Never once took responsibility for things he did wrong and if he did bow his head in mock shame, he would try to make me feel guilt by saying “It’s all my fault isn’t it? You always blame me” Ummmm yep – cause it always IS your fault buddy – you keep messing up!
Apologies were meaningless – he would just go and repeat the same behaviour a day or a week later.
Your description of circling the drainhole made me feel … such a rush of empathy for you – I feel the same on many days and some days don’t care like you. It’s so so hard to recover from. The betrayal and lies and loss of years and years.
I hope you’re feeling a bit better today – please know that I am thinking of you and holding you in my prayers – I hope you can smile today even if just for a short while. Things will get better – they have to.
Gem and Midlife:
I’m off to bed……my time zone just exploded….i’m dust!
Chic…..XOXOOXOXOXOXO
BTW….did you see the moon last night….hens and I were howwwwllllllinnnnnggggg at it…..
thinking how fortunate we are to be in ‘today’!!!!
Love ya guys…..
Nighty night.
EB, yes I did see the moon, read you and hens running outside to look at it and thought DAMN I missed it!
Last time was so fun. OK, we’ll do it again sometime!!
gem, hello sweetie! I’m still hanging in there, looking for a job, have gotten used to being here by myself… and it’s not so bad! I think I get bored more than lonely, which is quite different than how I felt before.
I read your news about NewLily. So sad. I am so touched to read how much your gift meant to her, you are a dear person who can see when someone is in need of a kind gesture… and I am sure you brought much happiness into her life. Such a very kind, loving thing to do.
EB ans Shabbychic – did indeed see the moon – what a beautiful sight it was. I said a little affirmation to myself about the future (and asked the Moondweller to kick his ass!)
Shabbychic – sorry nothing has turned up with work. I will keep my fingers crossed for you 🙂
Night night to both of you – waaaay past my bedtime!