A syndrome called post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) can affect victims of sociopaths. The trauma of losing love, friends, family, possessions and of enduring psychological/physical abuse is the cause of this disorder. To fight the symptoms of PTSD, it is helpful to understand the symptoms and how they relate to loss and trauma.
As I read through the current literature on PTSD, I quickly discovered that there is a fair amount of controversy regarding this disorder. We can actually learn about the disorder by listening to the arguments. The first question on which there is much disagreement is, “What trauma is severe enough to cause PTSD?” There were several editorials by experts disparaging the fact that everything from giving birth to a healthy baby to a boss yelling at an employee is now said to cause PTSD. Most experts are in favor of reserving this diagnosis for people who have suffered truly unusual life experiences, like kidnapping, rape, war, 911, etc.
The problem is that many people do experience severe stress reactions to difficult life circumstances. It remains to be determined what we should call these reactions.
Those of us healing from our relationship with a sociopath often vacillate between accepting the trauma and minimizing it. Thus, the argument about what kinds of trauma are severe enough to cause PTSD has a direct effect on us. The argument can leave us feeling weak, like we should be able to get over this. After all it wasn’t as bad as 911, Iraq or Katrina—or was it?
The second question is “what symptoms constitute PTSD?” The following table shows the most common symptoms seen in a group of 103 British men and women diagnosed by psychiatrists with PTSD (Current Medical Research Opinion, 2003):
| Symptom | Frequency (n=103) |
| Insomnia | 98 (95%) |
| Anxiety at reminder cues | 96 (93%) |
| Intrusive thoughts, images, sounds, sensations | 94 (91%) |
| Irritability | 93 (91%) |
| Poor concentration | 93 (91%) |
| Diminished interest in significant activities | 88 (85%) |
| Recurrent dreams of trauma | 86 (83%) |
| Avoidance of activities or places associated with the trauma | 85 (83%) |
| Foreshortening of expectations about the future | 80 (78%) |
| Detachment from others | 78 (76%) |
| Avoidance of thinking or conversing about the trauma | 75 (73%) |
| Poor appetite | 69 (67%) |
| Hypervigilance | 55 (53%) |
| Startle reactions | 46 (45%) |
| Acting or feeling as if the event was recurring | 37 (31%) |
| Inability to recall parts of trauma (amnesia) | 19 (18%) |
I put up this table because I thought that a number of you would also endorse these symptoms. Notice that “acting or feeling as if the event was recurring” was really not that common. But similar symptoms, like “Intrusive thoughts, images sounds and sensations,” were very common. Amnesia was also uncommon. Startle reactions were only seen in half of the subjects.
A feeling of a foreshortened future is a particularly debilitating symptom because it impairs a person’s ability to plan for the future and leads to a sense of hopelessness. I will expand on this further, but I strongly believe this feeling of a foreshortened future has to do less with our thoughts about our past, and more with our thoughts about our present.
As I look at this list of symptoms, I am struck by the fact that many, many of those writing into Lovefraud complain of these symptoms, particularly nightmares. There is something special about having had emotional involvement with an aggressor that seems to produce nightmares. Since so many have all of the most common symptoms, I think it has to be that the trauma of life with a sociopath is severe enough to cause this disorder in many people.
Here’s where defining exactly what trauma is gets sticky. Rachael Yehuda, Ph.D., said in a recent article published on MedScape, “One of the things that biology has taught us is that PTSD represents a type of a response to trauma, but not the only type of response. It is a response that seems to be about the failure to consolidate a memory in such a way as to be able to be recalled without distress.” Well, this is precisely the definition that is too broad. I personally have a lot of memories that I experience or re-experience with distress. Yet these memories are not accompanied by the list of symptoms in the table above.
For me what made the experience traumatic was the truly life course-changing nature of the trauma. The answer to the question, “Will I ever be the same?” for me defines trauma significant enough to cause PTSD. The trauma that causes this disorder redefines us in a way that is different from other emotionally significant experiences. This trauma strikes at the core of our identity.
The final controversy surrounds the treatment of PTSD. Interestingly, there is no question that medications (SSRIs, particularly Zoloft) are very helpful. The problem is though that when a person goes to a physician and receives a medication, he/she is by definition “sick.” Assumption of a “sick role” or “victim identity” is one of the many factors that slow recovery from PTSD.
Many therapists are of the belief that “debriefing” or retelling the story is necessary for recovery. One group of researchers reviewed the studies on debriefing and concluded that there is no scientific evidence that it prevents PTSD. Instead, the evidence points to post-trauma factors like social support and “additional life stress” being most important.
How can we put this all together? Considering last week’s post, those who experience trauma serious enough to have stress hormone overdose as manifested by dissociation, are likely to also develop PTSD. An examination of the symptoms of PTSD reveals that at the core of the disorder is the fact that the person really doesn’t believe in his/her heart that the trauma has ended. PTSD is about ONGOING, not past, trauma. For those of us whose lives were assaulted by a sociopath, there is ongoing stress. The stress is the social isolation, financial ruin, and threatened further losses long after the relationship has ended. Those who recover from this without PTSD work hard to put the trauma behind them in every way.
Putting the trauma behind you does not mean you can’t take medication to help with the process. It does mean facing those bills, former friends, and other personal issues you want to avoid. Remember AVOIDANCE STRENGTHENS FEAR.
Above all, stop the ongoing trauma by ending contact with the sociopath. Do not assume a sick role, instead, work to stay healthy. Fight to be the person you want to be. Don’t allow this single experience to define you. Make living for today the place you love to be. As Louise Gallagher says in her recent post, “This is, in many ways, the greatest challenge of recovery — to accept the past is simply the route I took to get to where I am today, a place I love to be. The past cannot be changed. It cannot be altered. It cannot be made ‘better.’ It can only be accepted so that it, and I, may rest in peace with what was, eager to accept what is true in my life today.”
kathy0707: Your stalking sounds horrid. I am so sorry for you. Ox is right in what she said. The only way to end it is to just cut it off. It DOES throw them for a loop when someone does not fall for their charm and their exquisite ‘skills’ of manipulating people.
I thought I had a bad stalking going on. Mine has lasted just about ten years now and it was on the borderline of becoming extremely detrimental to my safety, health and well being. There were threats of murder, mayhem and all sorts of things because I spurned his attentions. I never gave him a moments notice for a couple of years. Then suddenly, I was charmed into opening that door to hell. From that point on, it was nothing but a hellish nightmare until I finally put an end to it.
“I” won because I walked away and refuse to play the game any longer. It’s not because we are ‘flawed’…perhaps to THEM we are flawed because we aren’t going along with THEIR PROGRAM. When they realize we can do nothing further for them, we are cast aside and it isn’t meant to be taken personally, it’s just they have no other need for us. It bites realizing this, I know, but some people are just mean, cruel, cold and wicked and love torturing other people.
When I realized he was this type of person, I refused to let it closer to me than occasional visits and telephone and/or online communications. I NEVER WANTED IT. It was “IT” inflicting itself into MY WORLD, trying to take control and dominate and when I didn’t go along with his program, he became ugly and the threats of violence and other things he has done, started taking over and suddenly he became someone I couldn’t even recognize. He rationalizes that everything that has befallen him, in his life, is because of me and for years, I believed that and tried to fix myself so I would be ‘pleasing’ to him…it never happened. I never became ‘quite good enough’ because I wasn’t allowing him and his situation affect me or my life. I wasn’t buying into what he was after, like most women usually do. I have ran into several other women who have been taken by this guy and the majority can’t be wrong; right?
He targets women online and they are usually ‘older’ and with money although I am sure they wouldn’t discriminate…I know of men and younger women as well that he has involved himself with merely for whatever can benefit him.
They don’t like it when you unmask them and you let them know that YOU KNOW what they are about and it doesn’t rattle you anymore. THEY SO HATE BEING IGNORED but when you do, it throws them off base and they don’t know how to react. I am fortunate that my stalker has always been from a great mileage distance, although, there have been times when threats were made and an unexpected ‘visitation’ would take place not long after. It took a couple of rocks, bashing me in the head, so to speak, to wake up and realize that if I didn’t put a stop to it, one of us would end up dead by the hand of the other.
I had absolutely NO IDEA that “THIS” was WHAT this creature was all about. For many years, this was my best friend and I believed all the lies and deceptions and was a ‘good little worker bee in the army’…oh, poor, dear, such a hard life…oh my goodness….being the compassionate empath I am…right? Opening that door and letting it in was my biggest mistake but it happened and now all I can do is my best to ‘clean up the aftermath’.
I never lost finances because I am too careful with that part of myself. I have always been a self sufficient person and have lived alone the past 20 years. That isn’t easy giving up for a smooth talker….
So, yes, so far, it has been about 4 days now that I have not had a stalking occurrence. It has been this way every day now for the past five years. It was an every day thing: looking over my shoulder and not knowing where it would come from or whom. I finally confided to my local law enforcement and I have such HUGE BACK UP that there is no way he can even get into town without being noticed and has been escorted out of this town before and will be again.
He has acquired a reputation and a record, of sorts, of abusing older women; having multiple personalities; multiple lovers; threats against people including judges, lawyers and others. He is walking a thin line right now, and bordering being put away some where. It can’t happen fast enough for me and I know other people who have been his victim and who feel the same way….others were absolutely financially devastated by this ‘being’…while others were beaten; infected with diseases he is carrying and spreading around.
I know that it may sound as if I am merely being ‘vindictive’ and ‘blaming’ but this is not the case. The words I speak, I speak absolutely as the truth. I never realized that there are possessed people among us until I have seen it for myself.
Somehow seeing someone so useless and pointless as this, makes my dysfunctional childhood look like it was a dream from heaven.
You hang in there. I know what it feels like. I didn’t lose financial things, like you have..but I have been on this hellish nightmare for a long time now and by my standing up and absolving and moving forward is not the only choice I have but the only OPTION that befits the situation.
You could always consider legal actions, I am sure, to recoop some of your financial losses, however, as in my case, is it worth having your life barraged by everything in a legal battle? Sometimes absolution and stealthing yourself and making yourself stronger and moving forward IS the only answer for yourself and the ugly people.
I wish you much safety and peace of mind…
Dupey
Dupey.
To me the money isn’t worth it. I spent far more on my next door sociopathic stalkers and trying to prevent their stalking than I ever did on the NS. Thousands of dollars to no avail. This doesn’t include what I lost in the sale of my house due to their vandalism, but you know what? It could have been worse. At least it sold. I told my RE agency NOT to put up a SOLD sign and they did so anyway. True to form, two days later the next door SPaths were at my current residence causing trouble. I imagine they could not STAND the concept that my house sold in spite of their vandalism. What makes me smile is that my old house is valued at more per square foot that their house with their fancy schmancy addition and only the highest end stuff. That brings me great joy. Of all the times you’ve been on Zillow (or anyone else), how often do you see an owner comment that his house is undervalued and superior to all other comps in every way? Well, my crazy next door SPath actually wrote a comment to this extent. Eff him and his screwy wife.
I thought about legal action but I’m over 50 and life is short. No, I’ve no time for that.
In terms of the OTHER SPath who broke my heart? Well, yes, that hurts because it was and is my heart. No amount of money can fix that. But just staying away and no contact is the only answer to that issue. Again, what I gave him was NOTHING compared to what he stood to gain had he ONLY been a bit more generous. Heck, he could have taken me to a cheap Chinese restaurant and had it all! But he was far too CHEAP to do any of this. It’s my luck he was this way, or surely I would have handed anything over to him.
You sound smart Dupey and just hang on to what you have. This is not to say “dont share” but share with an equal who truly cares and whose agenda is not so transparent as mine was.
kathy0707: I think my “IT” would owe me right around a million dollars for the stuff he has put me through. In damages. And, although I have a soundproof case against him, I just set it all aside because I have a fatal heart condition now and there is no way I am wasting anymore time on the UGLY. Hear me?
That is only perpetuating the torment and torture they inflict.
The only thing I found that works is NO CONTACT whatsoever.
Good for you that your house sold despite their vandalism. Good for you! I am happy to hear that too. That’s horrid they were trying to bring you misery on your listing.
Thanks for saying I sound smart. Hanging on to what I have is all I have. I have no desire to ‘share’ in a relationship anymore. I am just grateful that I got out alive and with a little sanity and life left.
Like I told “IT”: “THIS IS MY LIFE, NOT YOURS. GET OUT OF IT. LEAVE ME ALONE. GO AWAY.” It took me a lot of years to figure him out but I eventually did and I don’t want that for my life. Lying and deceit is not something high on my list.
Betrayal is like the final straw.
I am glad I am free and on the other side of the fire now…
I hope he stays away from me now but I am not going to hold my breath because they sure don’t like letting go…
Dupey
Darwinsmom & Ox
Thanks again. This site is really giving me some clarity.
Ohhhh the heartbreak. I am just devastated.
I mean, I loved this girl with all my heart.
She was my “type” in terms of what I wanted in
a woman. Unfortunately though, her personality
was extremely arrogant, narcisstic and unforgiving.
ITs horrible having to let go knowing that she
has “one up” on me. She really played for power
all along. I on the other hand just wanted to have
a companion, someone to love. I didnt understand
why she always had to resort to humilating comments
to attack my pride. I think it was her way of hurting
me or trying to get me to subdue myself to her.
No contact doesnt really make me feel better.
I’m still averaging 3, perhaps 4 hours of sleep a night.
My thoughts are about her daily. Sometimes I wonder
if I am turning into a stalker as a result of the emotional
pain she has inflicted on me? I havent spoken to her
now for 2 months but it feels like eternity.
I feel as though I have been thrown own, “discarded”
as you say. Its a blessing to be away from the taunts
and the subtle emotional abuse but I feel that she
is laughing at me. That she has moved on and treated
me like a spider’s prey wrapped in a web of deceit and lies.
This whole experience with a sociopathic woman has shattered
my world to the core. I was an easy going person before I met her. And yes, I was lonely. I was depressed but I didnt
feel the sadness that I do right now. THe sadness of loss.
She was an interesting girl. She came from South Africa and
had maids and servants as a child. She was one of those white
“afrikaaners” as they are known. But this upbringing is probably the basis of her arrogance and narcissm. She used to explain stories to me about the sense of “entitlement” she had right through her childhood, being very spoilt and always go what she wanted. She referred to herself as a “princess” and the mans role in providing for her. Therefore, I knew I could never change her outlook on the world. She wanted everything her way.
When I first met her she was shy, she was polite. She was almost insecure. I coudnt believe how someone like that could go to the complete other extreme of being loud, boistorous and emotional abusive. Taunting me at every turn. Making me walk on eggshells and play with my pride in front of other men by giving her attentions to other males with more money, more social status etc etc. She really was a bad
woman. I cant explain it anymore than that. She has ruined me. I feel worthless. I feel so bad. I wake up each morning wondering about her and visualizing her with other men. Its just horrible. This is the worst pain I’ve ever been through. Please lord, free me from this cycle of torture.
Louise:
Possible confirmation for your theory…
To avoid the quiet I put in my earbuds and crank up some tunes! No quiet, no annoying thoughts.
Sebbo,
She wasn’t your type really… she just played and acted your type. The type you wanted never truly existed in her. All there ever existed is the narcistic, callous, uncaring, arrogant and callous personality inside.
Yes, spaths can seem shy and polite at the start. I don’t consider it shyness anymore… but at first they don’t know much about you at all and what you’re looking for. So, they’re their empty self but masked behind an almost servile, inferior and polite mask. They might not even strike as appealing or interesting at all at that instance.
Sebbo, I know it’s hard but you must actively divert your attention away from her. Spaths make you addicted to them, and your brain is addicted to her with bondng hormones. Every time you think of her, you’re keeping that bond and addiction active: if it’s painful you’re still continuing to trauma bond, if it’s a fantasy about reunion you’re feeding the male-oxytocine hormonal addiction.
The best way to retrain your brain is to think of happy moments in your life that you shared with friends or experienced by yourself.
I’ve lived by myself without a significant relationship for about 8 years before I met the spath. While I did start to wish for a relationship, for a bond with someone about a year before I met him, I never hated my alone time. The reason was because I had always filled my life with experiences and friends that satisfied me completely at the time. It were these memories I reached for whenever some memory of the spath tried to creep up on me.
It sounds you’ve been unhappy about being alone for a while before meeting her. On the one hand that was what made you extremely vulnerable to her; on the other hand it makes it difficult for you now to cope being alone again. And yet I’m sure there must be memories for you when you were happy and yet without a partner. You might not recognize them as such if you feel like you wouldn’t be complete without a partner. But that is a self-destructive belief, that is not even true. You are you, complete since the day you were born, with or without a partner, always.
Justbree,
That sounds like a workable tactic. Sometimes we can’t afford to have noise, and sometimes background noise can create more peace neurologically than silence.
JustBree:
Good suggestion! 🙂
Darwinsmom
Thank you for your sincere reply.
Yes, you are right I do bond with her in my fantasy
of perhaps meeting again and her appologizing but
I know as well as you do thats not going to happen.
I am dealing with a heartless sociopathic woman
who couldnt care less about my feelings and would
consider love or me pining for her as a “weakness”.
I remember going with her on a cruise to Vanuatu
where I cried one night in the cabin due to her
ignoring me for a whole day while meeting other men.
She came in the room and said bluntly “why are you crying?”.
She showed no emotion at all and instead attacked me
verbally saying that I was controlling her need to be free.
She considered herself a free spirit and said that I was holding
her back from meeting new people (mainly men).
She was just so wrong. I cant understand why I was such
a fool to go with her. I just beat myself up every day saying
WHY oh WHY did I fall for this trap which seemed obvious
from the start.
After the first month of dating I remember having an argument with her. I told her that I was sensitive and lonely
and I didnt appreciate her constant need for attention from
other men. She told me in reponse that I was committing an
act of “self sabotage”. She then said controllingly that if anyone was to make a decision to end the relationship it would
be her. “Let me make that decision” she said. Silly me, I was
like a sheep to the slaughter. I just dont understand what got
inside my head. I agree with you Darwinsmom – I was blinded
by her looks and I was directed under my male hormones to
respond the way I did. I had no control at all. I genuinely felt
that she was the one for me when clearly all she was doing was abusing me to the point of losing my self worth with constant subtle emotional abuse.
Thank you again for your indepth and detailed comment.
Cheers
Sebbo
Sebbo. you seem like such a nice and sincere guy, but please stop beating yourself up. You had the misfortune of coming across one of these evil people and falling for their charms and looks, just like I did. It’s not your fault. Most likely (I’m guessing), this was your first go around with one of these types.
I hope for your sake you NEVER run into her. Not only won’t you get an apology, but I’d hate to see you accused of violating a restraining order. Yeah, I am big on that as here in the US (and I think you might be overseas?) that can mean jail time.
This woman almost makes the NS I was with look okay, and he’s far from okay. He could have dealt with me lashing out at him differently than the way he did, and I’m glad he didn’t. No, I didn’t stalk him or follow him around, but I DID have some choice words for him via the phone and email and letters.
Your best bet is to realize you escaped the insanity and just do your best to become intact again. I wish you the best.