A syndrome called post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) can affect victims of sociopaths. The trauma of losing love, friends, family, possessions and of enduring psychological/physical abuse is the cause of this disorder. To fight the symptoms of PTSD, it is helpful to understand the symptoms and how they relate to loss and trauma.
As I read through the current literature on PTSD, I quickly discovered that there is a fair amount of controversy regarding this disorder. We can actually learn about the disorder by listening to the arguments. The first question on which there is much disagreement is, “What trauma is severe enough to cause PTSD?” There were several editorials by experts disparaging the fact that everything from giving birth to a healthy baby to a boss yelling at an employee is now said to cause PTSD. Most experts are in favor of reserving this diagnosis for people who have suffered truly unusual life experiences, like kidnapping, rape, war, 911, etc.
The problem is that many people do experience severe stress reactions to difficult life circumstances. It remains to be determined what we should call these reactions.
Those of us healing from our relationship with a sociopath often vacillate between accepting the trauma and minimizing it. Thus, the argument about what kinds of trauma are severe enough to cause PTSD has a direct effect on us. The argument can leave us feeling weak, like we should be able to get over this. After all it wasn’t as bad as 911, Iraq or Katrina—or was it?
The second question is “what symptoms constitute PTSD?” The following table shows the most common symptoms seen in a group of 103 British men and women diagnosed by psychiatrists with PTSD (Current Medical Research Opinion, 2003):
| Symptom | Frequency (n=103) |
| Insomnia | 98 (95%) |
| Anxiety at reminder cues | 96 (93%) |
| Intrusive thoughts, images, sounds, sensations | 94 (91%) |
| Irritability | 93 (91%) |
| Poor concentration | 93 (91%) |
| Diminished interest in significant activities | 88 (85%) |
| Recurrent dreams of trauma | 86 (83%) |
| Avoidance of activities or places associated with the trauma | 85 (83%) |
| Foreshortening of expectations about the future | 80 (78%) |
| Detachment from others | 78 (76%) |
| Avoidance of thinking or conversing about the trauma | 75 (73%) |
| Poor appetite | 69 (67%) |
| Hypervigilance | 55 (53%) |
| Startle reactions | 46 (45%) |
| Acting or feeling as if the event was recurring | 37 (31%) |
| Inability to recall parts of trauma (amnesia) | 19 (18%) |
I put up this table because I thought that a number of you would also endorse these symptoms. Notice that “acting or feeling as if the event was recurring” was really not that common. But similar symptoms, like “Intrusive thoughts, images sounds and sensations,” were very common. Amnesia was also uncommon. Startle reactions were only seen in half of the subjects.
A feeling of a foreshortened future is a particularly debilitating symptom because it impairs a person’s ability to plan for the future and leads to a sense of hopelessness. I will expand on this further, but I strongly believe this feeling of a foreshortened future has to do less with our thoughts about our past, and more with our thoughts about our present.
As I look at this list of symptoms, I am struck by the fact that many, many of those writing into Lovefraud complain of these symptoms, particularly nightmares. There is something special about having had emotional involvement with an aggressor that seems to produce nightmares. Since so many have all of the most common symptoms, I think it has to be that the trauma of life with a sociopath is severe enough to cause this disorder in many people.
Here’s where defining exactly what trauma is gets sticky. Rachael Yehuda, Ph.D., said in a recent article published on MedScape, “One of the things that biology has taught us is that PTSD represents a type of a response to trauma, but not the only type of response. It is a response that seems to be about the failure to consolidate a memory in such a way as to be able to be recalled without distress.” Well, this is precisely the definition that is too broad. I personally have a lot of memories that I experience or re-experience with distress. Yet these memories are not accompanied by the list of symptoms in the table above.
For me what made the experience traumatic was the truly life course-changing nature of the trauma. The answer to the question, “Will I ever be the same?” for me defines trauma significant enough to cause PTSD. The trauma that causes this disorder redefines us in a way that is different from other emotionally significant experiences. This trauma strikes at the core of our identity.
The final controversy surrounds the treatment of PTSD. Interestingly, there is no question that medications (SSRIs, particularly Zoloft) are very helpful. The problem is though that when a person goes to a physician and receives a medication, he/she is by definition “sick.” Assumption of a “sick role” or “victim identity” is one of the many factors that slow recovery from PTSD.
Many therapists are of the belief that “debriefing” or retelling the story is necessary for recovery. One group of researchers reviewed the studies on debriefing and concluded that there is no scientific evidence that it prevents PTSD. Instead, the evidence points to post-trauma factors like social support and “additional life stress” being most important.
How can we put this all together? Considering last week’s post, those who experience trauma serious enough to have stress hormone overdose as manifested by dissociation, are likely to also develop PTSD. An examination of the symptoms of PTSD reveals that at the core of the disorder is the fact that the person really doesn’t believe in his/her heart that the trauma has ended. PTSD is about ONGOING, not past, trauma. For those of us whose lives were assaulted by a sociopath, there is ongoing stress. The stress is the social isolation, financial ruin, and threatened further losses long after the relationship has ended. Those who recover from this without PTSD work hard to put the trauma behind them in every way.
Putting the trauma behind you does not mean you can’t take medication to help with the process. It does mean facing those bills, former friends, and other personal issues you want to avoid. Remember AVOIDANCE STRENGTHENS FEAR.
Above all, stop the ongoing trauma by ending contact with the sociopath. Do not assume a sick role, instead, work to stay healthy. Fight to be the person you want to be. Don’t allow this single experience to define you. Make living for today the place you love to be. As Louise Gallagher says in her recent post, “This is, in many ways, the greatest challenge of recovery — to accept the past is simply the route I took to get to where I am today, a place I love to be. The past cannot be changed. It cannot be altered. It cannot be made ‘better.’ It can only be accepted so that it, and I, may rest in peace with what was, eager to accept what is true in my life today.”
TOOLATE
Once again, I can relate so well to your post! I remember telling him early on “all I’ve ever wanted is to be loved”…plain and simple..and feeding him that information, let him know that he could never say “I love you”…he had to keep me thinking he was falling, but not there yet…he had me HOOKED! The one thing that he KNEW would make me happy…he dangled right in front of me. He knew I would work for it…try so hard to please him etc.
And, he also knew how much I enjoyed sex with him, and made me believe that he doesn’t have sex with anyone unless he IS in love…yeah right…in love with himself! So I was totally confused when the sex was “withheld” after the first few months..very infrequent..he was torturing me and he knew it. I was so in love with him, so physically attracted, MONOGAMOUS of course, yet I got nothing but lies and excuses in return.
FORGETTING my Birthday! For three years in a row! I kept thinking how on earth could he forget…it’s a few days before a major holiday??? He should at least know the proximity! But he always had an excuse like “I’m so bad at birthdays…can’t even remember my own daughter’s sometimes haha” Yet, come to find out later, he to this day (5 years after break-up) remembers his ex-girlfriend’s BD and has always acknowledged it with at least an email. I am sure he did it on purpose, like you said to hurt me, or just because he didn’t want to have to get me presents for both occasions so close together. He would even say he was sorry, that he would take me out the next week…never happened.
I think that for those of us who are NORMAL, who have a soul…compassion, a conscience…the hardest thing to accept is to imagine our ex sitting there thinking to himself, “if I pretend to forget her BD, that would really hurt her feelings haha” I don’t know about the rest of you, but for me..the INTENTION to hurt emotionally…is just incomprehensible for me. I think it goes even deeper than physical hurt, because it seems to require so much planning..it’s not a spontaneous reaction to control the situation. Especially when we see the other side…the sweet, tender side…we say to ourselves “how can he be so nice yet be so thoughtless at the same time?” We ponder for hours, STILL trying to excuse their behavior.
All of the actual brain differences can certainly explain the lack of caring, the lack of impulse control…but what about the intentional infliction of emotional abuse even by a S/P who didn’t necessarily have an abusive childhood? A psychopath with no “logical” reason for projecting his hurt on someone else?
For me, it comes down to evil…the lack of any spiritual connection with God in them. We truly are dancing with the devil when we mess with these people, and it’s a dangerous game. So many of us have found that prayer and God’s help have been our only lifeline in all of this. And the bigger question…”why did God allow this to happen to me?” Well, if we don’t find the answer to that in this life, and we put our faith totally in HIM…we will be in a place someday to ask HIM face to face.
I keep telling myself that whatever happens to me in life is all God’s way of molding me to fit into HIS perfect plan…
NOMORE
Are you up yet? Did you get any sleep? So sorry you were having such a bad night, there are lots of posts to you from the wee hours, you could enter your screen name in the search bar to find them as they are on different threads. Read the one I posted above to toolate…you may find it interesting.
Another thing I suggest to ALL LF readers…since it’s Winter time…if you live up in the Northern part of the US, or anywhere else that doesn’t get much sun….make sure your Vit D levels are OK. You would be amazed at the severity of depression that low D levels can cause. Dr’s at times unnecessarily put patients on anti-depressants when all they need is Vit D!
Shabby, thanks for the kind post and you are right i have learned alot about myself and after my dad passed i meth this detective and my impulse was to help him as he’s married to a n/p but he went back and we were only friends so im actually secretly glad as i knew i couldn’t handle the bagge that came with him as they split 6 years ago and she reeled him back in as soon as he found someone. You know i learned mor e from him watching the pain and indecisiveness in him, it brought up alot of things. He had to actually ask me if his wife spitting on him was ignorant and i knew what that was, having to ask such a stupid question they have you questioning everything. While watching the pain he was in and noting how blase he was(said it was his job that caused but also blamed wife more at time) it made me think”how on earth did my friends all put up with me and why didn’t they just ignore me . One male friend was told by another AA memeber to leave me alone as he was enabling me from hitting my emotional bottom and at the time i sure didn’t like it but seeing this guy made me think that he was right. So many things came back to my mind comments from male friends like “how can you be disrespected the way you have by that man” and it was like water off a ducks back the same way i was trying to get the detective to see. I had given him two books first “Why is it all about you” and Betrayal Bond which i would kind of like back but i feel he needs more than i do right now. He sought a therapist etc. but at Xmas she as he put it was like a light switched on . Welll we all know about what that means but he’s where he is and i can’t change it, i did get a little snarly which isn’t how i normally am so i wrote a small letter after a lot of thought just saying that he didn’t really waste my time as he helped me to forget a bit about my dad passing and my son leaving for military. I truly wished him well in his marriage and said i knew how much his family meant to him an d that is what she uses to keep him. I left it with Please Take care of yourself. This was not to keep the lines open as i’ve learned the hard way not to get involved with others emotional problems it was more for me. I don’t want to be perseived as bitter and judemental as i’ve done the same thing as him many times over and as he put it didnt’ have a family etc. to consider. Thank you shabby for noticing that i am kind because sometimes i think i’d be better off being a bitch , a book i’ve toyed buying for years and years now called Why Men love Bitches but it’s not in me so why pretend right. Im glad to hear that you feel you are coming out the other side just as i do and alot wiser. Im not blaming the s anymore but i will never forget either but im striving for indifference as there is still a part of me that genuinely cares about him so im not quite out of the woods yet. It seems for so many years i fought this obsession so hard, trying hypnotherapy, trauma program, AA. Alanon, therapist you name it i didn’t want to be doing what i was doing and many of my friends stayed with me because they knew i didn’t want to be doing it. Very much akin to some people i meet in AA who really want to quit drinking but just can’t but they keep trying. I don”t know there is an old fellow we all regard highly in AA with i think 54 years Old Jack and he often mentions Father Time has a way with these things meaning addictions obsessions etc. and i think there is a lot of wisdom in that. Nature taking it’s course. Thanks so much for remembering me Shabbychick i seem to recall we wer e alot alike same age etc. I did go brunette for winter and im rather liking it. Sometimes i think maybe God wants me to be single and im at a point where im not going to fight it. To be honest i’d just like some company of men and forget the rest. Kimberly, i read your posts and you have had a very bad Betrayal Bond and i feel for all your pain and flashbacks etc. Have you read the book the Betrayal Bond it really does a wonderful job of explaining all the dynamics behind being betrayed and you have been by not only the s but your daughter etc. As for the drinky poos at night well i started out that way many years ago with the Irish Coffee to put me to bed and contined for years and the drinking escaulated, now im not saying yours will but you are very smart in recognising that you are defeating the purpose of the antidepressents something of which i wasn’t as smart in seeing. I know you are a nurse so you must be aware of seroquel in i’ say a smaller dosage, Im not pushing it as with any drug you can become dependent to sleep but it has helped me alot and i don’t have the nightmares like i used to . Our subconsious sure tells the truth sometimes when we are sleeping. There was a nice gentleman in the trauma program with me who had (military) bad nightmares every night about the taliban chasing him and was heavily sedated but he was a very unfortunate case . As with most the dreams do subside, i in early sobriety had many dreams of getting drunk and not being able to sober up which are very common but i havent’ had one in years so i think in time yours will disipate as well. all the best love kindheart
Timeheals , i was reading your post and about God and i agree with you wholeheartedly, i used to think in the early stages, how can people like this exist, is it real and why on earth did God have me meet one. Why me? I do beleive that all things happen for a reason and we come to a point where we can dwell on all the negatives of the encounter which i personally hav done for years or we can move on , learn the lesson and be the same kind , trusting people that we are , just a little wiser for all we have endured. We don’t have to become bitter or jaded because as i’ve read over and over and have seen in the posts over the years, and it’s been proven in studes with the book “Women who Love Sociopaths” and im including men here. We here at Lovefraud are all EXTRODINARY men and women with MORE OF the good qualities and because of that we won’t let them taint us permanently as we have larger reservoires of goodness so we can move on and be happy something they will never be able to do. So for as much agony and pain we have all endured with these creatures, we are really the lucky and blessed ones and i for one am grateful for that. I used to think i would just like one afternoon to be like one of them and not give a rats petuki but not now, not ever do i want to be them for one single second. So Cheers to all of you on here , as you are all very blessed and special because you have proven that you have more good than the average bear just for being here. Love kindheart
Shabby, im in the same boat as you as far as looknng for a job. Human rights thinks i have a case with th e Bank but im not countin gon that as i haven’t heard from them in over a month. Not even sure what i expect to get out of that but i should be out there looking. I keep using the excuse that the economy sucks which is the truth here but i need something to keep me busy for sure. Im getting a little unemployment right now and im cheap as bark to a tree so im getting by alright but i had to go to bank to get my convenience card replaced and one of my old supervisors was like ” do you have a job yet Shelly” out of concern as i know she’s watched my struggles over the years and knows i should be working, I couldn’t have lost my job at a worse time but nothing i can do but keep on trucking. Had to see dentist last week and need a tooth extracted so it’s also hitting me how much i miss my benefits etc. I probably should be looking for a job out of this area but am a little overwhelmed as how to go about it. kindheart
“Instead, the evidence points to post-trauma factors like social support and “additional life stress” being most important.”
yes yes yes yes yes.
i am growing a scab over the spath wounds – i need to contain them to deal with the other stressors in my life – like having lodging and work and money.
i want so badly to take the bandage off and deal – but i have to take the time i need to deal with the other things, and to get the resources i need to go there.
One Step, reading your posts reminds me of myself i wanteed a quick fix and answer both dealing with the s’s and with my sobriety. I’ve heard it said in the program it took us years to get into the bush so we don’t come out overnight or something along that line. Im like you in the priority area, i need to focus on getting a job but have not had the fortitude but i better get it soon. I’ve been spending alot of time alone which is completely out of character for me as im pretty high adhd , usually looking for someone to entertain me or distract me but i think this alone time has really made me sit and reflect on the last few years etc. A year ago the compulsion was still very real and strong and i never would have thought it would subside but life goes on and the s well becomes less important in the scheme of things (Thank God) and you start to finally figure out your priorities. When you come to the realization that you only have you in the end , things kind of take on a new perspective. I was always looking for someone, anyone to help, take care, entertain me and now i know i hav e only one person i can truly count on that is if i treat that person well,(and i haven’t most of the timeP and that person is little ole me. The scab over the wound reminds me of one time at the local womens shelter a nice therapist advised me to put some duct tape over my heart, and i cou,d actually picture it in my mind. One Step you will heal just as i have healed but it takes what it takes but it will happen but i wouldn’t have beleived it a year ago. Best wishes to you. love kh
Dear Nomorenomore and Shelly,
You are heard here, though sometimes we don’t get back to a specific person’s posts. WELCOME to LoveFraud, I’m sorry you both had a reason to find this place, but there is so much good information here and I recommend to every person who is new on this site to read back through the old archives and I have seen evidence lately (with old blogs and articles brought up anew) that people are doing that and that the wnderful articles in the archives still have the power to touch and help us heal.
Knowledge is power and we must take back our power that we temporarily gave over to them, thinking they would keep us safe. Unfortunately, we must keep our power to protect ourselves, but we may share our loves with those people who have proven their love for us, and sometimes it takes a while to learn the RED FLAGS that show that a person is a manipulator.
It is painful to realize that someone has abused us, hoodwinked us, and ultimately hurt us, but we must resume our own self protective power and get away from them just as a bird struggles to get away from a cat, or they will consume us, our very souls.
God bless you and again, welcome here to LF.
KINDHEART –
Oh my goodness kindheart…. is this really you? I was reading your above post with such smiles and warmth in my heart… I always knew I would see the day that YOU would get to the other side, find a better place..but to witness it is such a wonderful thing. There were nights I worried SO about you lady!!!!! Im so proud of you for doing the work and finding new perspective. Your post….WOW KINDHEART…what an example of finding your way back from hell – because you chose to!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Good luck with the job search and happy and healthy New Year to you! – LTL xoxo
thanks Learn for the boost of confidence but im always on guard as i know how easy it is to slip back into the funhouse so to speak . Im forever knocking on wood, picking up pennies as my heart has always ruled my head for most of my life but i do think im over the worst of it, sitting here still hurt over my dad, loss of opportunity to have a relationship with him etc. but i woulnd’t be me if i didn’t have tears and i’d rather be me than anyone else for a change, Thanks so much for all your caring and i didn’t think i could ever find a positive in all of this and you know that ole saying , make lemonade out of lemons, well it can be done. love kh