A syndrome called post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) can affect victims of sociopaths. The trauma of losing love, friends, family, possessions and of enduring psychological/physical abuse is the cause of this disorder. To fight the symptoms of PTSD, it is helpful to understand the symptoms and how they relate to loss and trauma.
As I read through the current literature on PTSD, I quickly discovered that there is a fair amount of controversy regarding this disorder. We can actually learn about the disorder by listening to the arguments. The first question on which there is much disagreement is, “What trauma is severe enough to cause PTSD?” There were several editorials by experts disparaging the fact that everything from giving birth to a healthy baby to a boss yelling at an employee is now said to cause PTSD. Most experts are in favor of reserving this diagnosis for people who have suffered truly unusual life experiences, like kidnapping, rape, war, 911, etc.
The problem is that many people do experience severe stress reactions to difficult life circumstances. It remains to be determined what we should call these reactions.
Those of us healing from our relationship with a sociopath often vacillate between accepting the trauma and minimizing it. Thus, the argument about what kinds of trauma are severe enough to cause PTSD has a direct effect on us. The argument can leave us feeling weak, like we should be able to get over this. After all it wasn’t as bad as 911, Iraq or Katrina—or was it?
The second question is “what symptoms constitute PTSD?” The following table shows the most common symptoms seen in a group of 103 British men and women diagnosed by psychiatrists with PTSD (Current Medical Research Opinion, 2003):
| Symptom | Frequency (n=103) |
| Insomnia | 98 (95%) |
| Anxiety at reminder cues | 96 (93%) |
| Intrusive thoughts, images, sounds, sensations | 94 (91%) |
| Irritability | 93 (91%) |
| Poor concentration | 93 (91%) |
| Diminished interest in significant activities | 88 (85%) |
| Recurrent dreams of trauma | 86 (83%) |
| Avoidance of activities or places associated with the trauma | 85 (83%) |
| Foreshortening of expectations about the future | 80 (78%) |
| Detachment from others | 78 (76%) |
| Avoidance of thinking or conversing about the trauma | 75 (73%) |
| Poor appetite | 69 (67%) |
| Hypervigilance | 55 (53%) |
| Startle reactions | 46 (45%) |
| Acting or feeling as if the event was recurring | 37 (31%) |
| Inability to recall parts of trauma (amnesia) | 19 (18%) |
I put up this table because I thought that a number of you would also endorse these symptoms. Notice that “acting or feeling as if the event was recurring” was really not that common. But similar symptoms, like “Intrusive thoughts, images sounds and sensations,” were very common. Amnesia was also uncommon. Startle reactions were only seen in half of the subjects.
A feeling of a foreshortened future is a particularly debilitating symptom because it impairs a person’s ability to plan for the future and leads to a sense of hopelessness. I will expand on this further, but I strongly believe this feeling of a foreshortened future has to do less with our thoughts about our past, and more with our thoughts about our present.
As I look at this list of symptoms, I am struck by the fact that many, many of those writing into Lovefraud complain of these symptoms, particularly nightmares. There is something special about having had emotional involvement with an aggressor that seems to produce nightmares. Since so many have all of the most common symptoms, I think it has to be that the trauma of life with a sociopath is severe enough to cause this disorder in many people.
Here’s where defining exactly what trauma is gets sticky. Rachael Yehuda, Ph.D., said in a recent article published on MedScape, “One of the things that biology has taught us is that PTSD represents a type of a response to trauma, but not the only type of response. It is a response that seems to be about the failure to consolidate a memory in such a way as to be able to be recalled without distress.” Well, this is precisely the definition that is too broad. I personally have a lot of memories that I experience or re-experience with distress. Yet these memories are not accompanied by the list of symptoms in the table above.
For me what made the experience traumatic was the truly life course-changing nature of the trauma. The answer to the question, “Will I ever be the same?” for me defines trauma significant enough to cause PTSD. The trauma that causes this disorder redefines us in a way that is different from other emotionally significant experiences. This trauma strikes at the core of our identity.
The final controversy surrounds the treatment of PTSD. Interestingly, there is no question that medications (SSRIs, particularly Zoloft) are very helpful. The problem is though that when a person goes to a physician and receives a medication, he/she is by definition “sick.” Assumption of a “sick role” or “victim identity” is one of the many factors that slow recovery from PTSD.
Many therapists are of the belief that “debriefing” or retelling the story is necessary for recovery. One group of researchers reviewed the studies on debriefing and concluded that there is no scientific evidence that it prevents PTSD. Instead, the evidence points to post-trauma factors like social support and “additional life stress” being most important.
How can we put this all together? Considering last week’s post, those who experience trauma serious enough to have stress hormone overdose as manifested by dissociation, are likely to also develop PTSD. An examination of the symptoms of PTSD reveals that at the core of the disorder is the fact that the person really doesn’t believe in his/her heart that the trauma has ended. PTSD is about ONGOING, not past, trauma. For those of us whose lives were assaulted by a sociopath, there is ongoing stress. The stress is the social isolation, financial ruin, and threatened further losses long after the relationship has ended. Those who recover from this without PTSD work hard to put the trauma behind them in every way.
Putting the trauma behind you does not mean you can’t take medication to help with the process. It does mean facing those bills, former friends, and other personal issues you want to avoid. Remember AVOIDANCE STRENGTHENS FEAR.
Above all, stop the ongoing trauma by ending contact with the sociopath. Do not assume a sick role, instead, work to stay healthy. Fight to be the person you want to be. Don’t allow this single experience to define you. Make living for today the place you love to be. As Louise Gallagher says in her recent post, “This is, in many ways, the greatest challenge of recovery — to accept the past is simply the route I took to get to where I am today, a place I love to be. The past cannot be changed. It cannot be altered. It cannot be made ‘better.’ It can only be accepted so that it, and I, may rest in peace with what was, eager to accept what is true in my life today.”
forgot to post im just happy to have tears for my Dad and not tears for the s as they were wasted tears, my dad’s are not wasted. love kindheart, nice to cry for someone worth crying over is my point love kh
I always remember this now…
“Choices are the hinges of destiny.” ”“ Pythagoras
xoxo-LTL
And this too, taken from my friends blog page..
“At some point, either people stop and change their lives or their lives stop and change them.”
Midlifecrisis: You wrote: “I just can’t imagine how painful it can be for you that he is cheating with your daughter ”“ isn’t that illegal??? How old is she? I can’t believe it actually.”
Actually, it is illegal that my husband had sex with my daughter when she was 15. It doesn’t matter that she is now a consenting adult.
However
The police decided against pressing charges against him because they both denied the allegations. I never saw my husband and daughter having sex, and even though I was suspicious at the time, my husband effectively made me feel guilty for even suggesting it. I dismissed my gut feelings because he made me feel so horrible. I had no proof to make a REAL accusation, so I just dropped the thought from my mind.
I left my husband in September, but it wasn’t until late November that my sons told me that they saw my husband and daughter having sex. I didn’t even question them about my husband and my daughter. It started when one of my sons came home and asked me what masturbation was. He said that a kid at school was bragging about it to his classmates when the teacher was out of the room. I took the opportunity to provide a little sex education to them. It was my oldest boy that told me he saw them. He said that the first time he saw it, he didn’t know what sex was then, but he learned it later on. My son is 11 years old. He also said that he has seen them having sex “4 times in my entire life”.
I remained calm, even when he said to me “That’s not nice, right mom? Because he’s married to you?”. I told him “No, that’s not nice.”
I wanted to say … “and it’s morally wrong … and illegal … the ^#%@.......$$#&$* !!!!” … but I didn’t.
I reported it, of course. The police are not willing to press charges they say because my daughter is unwilling to cooperate. I also believe, however, that they don’t believe me. They never bothered interviewing the kids. No doubt my charming and persuasive husband told them that I am just bitter about our divorce and am trying to make trouble for him.
I told the police that I don’t care if they press charges against him or not. I don’t even care if they crown him emporer of the state he lives in … I just want him out of my life and into my past … and I meant it.
My 2 sons were born before my husband and I got married. Although it upset me at the time, I am now happy that he never signed paternity papers. Spaths do not like to take responsibility, as we all know.
Several times during our marriage, we considered signing the paternity papers. We even went so far as to have them signed and notarized … but something prevented me from mailing them to the state. Women’s intuition? Fear? It was some faint voice telling me “Don’t do it.”
Now that I am seeking divorce, I am making an unusual request (according to my attorney). We are NOT seeking paternity. When I told him about my husband and our life together, my attorney immediately pegged my husband right away as a sociopath. A parasite in my life. HE thought it without me telling him my opinion! So, if things go my way, the kids will be mine and only mine. I am not on welfare so paternity doesn’t come into play. I will not get child support … but I don’t want it. He couldn’t/wouldn’t pay it anyway! But, he will also have no legal rights for visitation. He’s OUT! GONE! FOREVERRRRRRRR!
But you know something? Even though I have been telling the absolute truth … it bothers me that they doubt me …. but they believe him. He couldn’t tell the truth to save his life!
I take a little solace in knowing that I am right. I know it deep in my heart. It doesn’t bring justice, but if it brings me freedom and an opportunity at a normal life with my boys, I’ll take it.
Furthermore …..
What bothers me is not how upsetting it is for me to know the truth about my husband and daughter …. but the impact that this knowledge will have on the boys. They saw their sister and their father having sex! I’m not sure if they realize that she is not his biological daughter. What kind of skrewed up message does this send to those 2 young boys????
Forget what I am feeling about it … worry about my kids!!!!
I am very concerned. Those boys are my life! They should never have wittnessed something like that.
Geminigirl,
Is there no hope of saving her when he’s through using her?
It’s too much for me to contemplate right now.
I want to yell to her “RUN! RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!!!” … but I know she won’t listen.
I remember when she was little and she still loved me. It’s all gone now.
Kimberly
I read the first post and realize I am having a very hard time healing from all my ex’s abuse because the hatred is relentless. He WILL NOT stop doing things to us. After beating me nearly to death and me going to the shelter he got with someone I befriended there and was seeing her for ten years behind my back. It is over with him and I but they dont stop. She also practices voodoo.
He does thing to my house when I am at work. He does all he can to keep the abuse going . When does it end? When do they get what they deserve for all they have done to my son and I? The other day we were driving down the road. (I do all I can to stay clear of him) He was driving with her and made it a point to speed up so my son would see him with her. All this is causing my son to be hurt and this breaks my heart!!! Who do they think they are to keep on with their evil attacks every chance they get? And why would they- He got what he wanted! How dare he be angry with me and our son when we are the ones did the “right” things ALWAYS? And how can I heal and move on when even now they do all the can to hurt us????
I was diagnosed with PTSD in 99. I have insomnia and very horrible nightmares, irritability..and all the other symptoms listed accept the last two. My son has several of the symptoms but the one I worry about the most for him is poor concentration. He is in 5th grade and this has significantly affected his learning. He is below grade level and having a very hard time learning and catching up. I worry that this may cause him to turn to drugs and ruin his life. So yeah, add to that the disease my ex caught from her and passed to me- My future looks very bleak- DOOMED actually. I cant even find someone new now because I dont want to pass anything on to anyone else so I continue to suffer in silence with no one to talk to and NO HOPE. I also am an only child and have no one else to take care of my aging parents. How can someone like me ever find hope or peace or even companionship and a small small bit of happiness. That seems to be asking for WAY to much.
Miss K:
I’m in a somewhat similar situation. I moved 1,000 away and still, he has caught up with me. He still has my daughter whom he is abusing. He’s also come after my son who is with me now only after he kicked him out of the house. He’s remarried to someone who is every bit of a P as he is. They have joined forces against us and it’s an alliance that can’t be beat: numbers, money and evil.
Much like you, I don’t see any hope for the future. As for someone in my life…ha ha! I ruled that out years ago! Seems like every one that gets close to me has the same traits as the other so I feel safe alone.
Maybe I shouldn’t have gone to bed angry last night. I had read so many posts from people on here who had been, and continue to be, abused. I just became angry at all of those Spath monsters that devastate one life after another and are never caught or have to pay for the devastation they cause.
In my first dream, I was in my own house (a year or two from now), when my ex Spath showed up on my doorstep. He was as sweet and charming and handsome as ever. he acted as though nothing had happened between us. Like .. “HI! Long time no see!”. In the dream, my daughter stood beside him, smiling. My sons were on either side of me.
I didn’t greet him with a smile. I raised a gun (as in dreams, the gun came out of nowhere) and said “I’ll save them all MYSELF!” and pulled the trigger, right in front of his face.
It was like an episode of “Snapped”.
In my dream, I was not remorseful. I felt as though I had done a necessary thing, like shooting a rabid dog. I had no sympathy. In my dream, as far as what my children had witnessed, I was the mother protecting her young. They needed to see that their mother would do whatever it took to protect them from the monsters of the world.
It was a frightening dream because it was nothing like the way I would behave in real life. Am I even CAPABLE of doing something like that? I don’t own a gun and I’ve never hurt anyone in a physical way, nor contemplated murder. For as much as my husband has hurt me in the past 13 years, I’ve always said “I don’t care if he DOES live happily ever after, as long as it’s not with me!”
I didn’t wake up after that dream, but rolled right into the next one. In the next dream, I finally owned a house of my own … and I was showing it to some family members. The house was delapitated. It was actually in such poor condition that it looked like it needed to be condemned. The foundation bulged out in several directions. There wasn’t a straight wall in the house. As we stood there, and I was showing them a rather large room … the drywall over the entire ceiling finally gave in and crashed to the floor, leaving the roof beams and cobwebs exposed. My new house was collapsing around me. Strangely enough, I was in a pleasant mood. As my family stood there with their mouth agape in disbelief, I shrugged it off and said with all seriousness “Of course it needs a lot of work, but I can do it. A little drywall and spackle and it will be as good as new!”
It was as though my brain was telling me that my life, like the house, is crashing down around me. That it’s beyond repair. I am unwilling to see that. I convince myself (with false hope) that my life will be a simple fix. … just a little spackle and I’ll be fine. Everyone else can see the truth and can’t believe that I am so blind.
… like every night … the dreams just continue, one after another … like movie marathon night of scary movies. Strangely, I remember most of them. It used to be rare for me to remember a single dream, but now, they are all there when I wake up. They’re as vivid as reality.
I had one good night’s sleep the day before yesterday. I wish it would happen again.
My roommate keeps asking me why I can’t just go to bed at night and sleep. He wouldn’t understand that I am afraid to go to sleep because that’s where I relive pain after pain. I tell him I had a headache or a toothache or “I just couldn’t sleep”.
I think I’ll take a couple of Benadryl tonight. I have to get up early to take the kids to school and I’ll never make it if I am up half the night.