A syndrome called post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) can affect victims of sociopaths. The trauma of losing love, friends, family, possessions and of enduring psychological/physical abuse is the cause of this disorder. To fight the symptoms of PTSD, it is helpful to understand the symptoms and how they relate to loss and trauma.
As I read through the current literature on PTSD, I quickly discovered that there is a fair amount of controversy regarding this disorder. We can actually learn about the disorder by listening to the arguments. The first question on which there is much disagreement is, “What trauma is severe enough to cause PTSD?” There were several editorials by experts disparaging the fact that everything from giving birth to a healthy baby to a boss yelling at an employee is now said to cause PTSD. Most experts are in favor of reserving this diagnosis for people who have suffered truly unusual life experiences, like kidnapping, rape, war, 911, etc.
The problem is that many people do experience severe stress reactions to difficult life circumstances. It remains to be determined what we should call these reactions.
Those of us healing from our relationship with a sociopath often vacillate between accepting the trauma and minimizing it. Thus, the argument about what kinds of trauma are severe enough to cause PTSD has a direct effect on us. The argument can leave us feeling weak, like we should be able to get over this. After all it wasn’t as bad as 911, Iraq or Katrina—or was it?
The second question is “what symptoms constitute PTSD?” The following table shows the most common symptoms seen in a group of 103 British men and women diagnosed by psychiatrists with PTSD (Current Medical Research Opinion, 2003):
| Symptom | Frequency (n=103) |
| Insomnia | 98 (95%) |
| Anxiety at reminder cues | 96 (93%) |
| Intrusive thoughts, images, sounds, sensations | 94 (91%) |
| Irritability | 93 (91%) |
| Poor concentration | 93 (91%) |
| Diminished interest in significant activities | 88 (85%) |
| Recurrent dreams of trauma | 86 (83%) |
| Avoidance of activities or places associated with the trauma | 85 (83%) |
| Foreshortening of expectations about the future | 80 (78%) |
| Detachment from others | 78 (76%) |
| Avoidance of thinking or conversing about the trauma | 75 (73%) |
| Poor appetite | 69 (67%) |
| Hypervigilance | 55 (53%) |
| Startle reactions | 46 (45%) |
| Acting or feeling as if the event was recurring | 37 (31%) |
| Inability to recall parts of trauma (amnesia) | 19 (18%) |
I put up this table because I thought that a number of you would also endorse these symptoms. Notice that “acting or feeling as if the event was recurring” was really not that common. But similar symptoms, like “Intrusive thoughts, images sounds and sensations,” were very common. Amnesia was also uncommon. Startle reactions were only seen in half of the subjects.
A feeling of a foreshortened future is a particularly debilitating symptom because it impairs a person’s ability to plan for the future and leads to a sense of hopelessness. I will expand on this further, but I strongly believe this feeling of a foreshortened future has to do less with our thoughts about our past, and more with our thoughts about our present.
As I look at this list of symptoms, I am struck by the fact that many, many of those writing into Lovefraud complain of these symptoms, particularly nightmares. There is something special about having had emotional involvement with an aggressor that seems to produce nightmares. Since so many have all of the most common symptoms, I think it has to be that the trauma of life with a sociopath is severe enough to cause this disorder in many people.
Here’s where defining exactly what trauma is gets sticky. Rachael Yehuda, Ph.D., said in a recent article published on MedScape, “One of the things that biology has taught us is that PTSD represents a type of a response to trauma, but not the only type of response. It is a response that seems to be about the failure to consolidate a memory in such a way as to be able to be recalled without distress.” Well, this is precisely the definition that is too broad. I personally have a lot of memories that I experience or re-experience with distress. Yet these memories are not accompanied by the list of symptoms in the table above.
For me what made the experience traumatic was the truly life course-changing nature of the trauma. The answer to the question, “Will I ever be the same?” for me defines trauma significant enough to cause PTSD. The trauma that causes this disorder redefines us in a way that is different from other emotionally significant experiences. This trauma strikes at the core of our identity.
The final controversy surrounds the treatment of PTSD. Interestingly, there is no question that medications (SSRIs, particularly Zoloft) are very helpful. The problem is though that when a person goes to a physician and receives a medication, he/she is by definition “sick.” Assumption of a “sick role” or “victim identity” is one of the many factors that slow recovery from PTSD.
Many therapists are of the belief that “debriefing” or retelling the story is necessary for recovery. One group of researchers reviewed the studies on debriefing and concluded that there is no scientific evidence that it prevents PTSD. Instead, the evidence points to post-trauma factors like social support and “additional life stress” being most important.
How can we put this all together? Considering last week’s post, those who experience trauma serious enough to have stress hormone overdose as manifested by dissociation, are likely to also develop PTSD. An examination of the symptoms of PTSD reveals that at the core of the disorder is the fact that the person really doesn’t believe in his/her heart that the trauma has ended. PTSD is about ONGOING, not past, trauma. For those of us whose lives were assaulted by a sociopath, there is ongoing stress. The stress is the social isolation, financial ruin, and threatened further losses long after the relationship has ended. Those who recover from this without PTSD work hard to put the trauma behind them in every way.
Putting the trauma behind you does not mean you can’t take medication to help with the process. It does mean facing those bills, former friends, and other personal issues you want to avoid. Remember AVOIDANCE STRENGTHENS FEAR.
Above all, stop the ongoing trauma by ending contact with the sociopath. Do not assume a sick role, instead, work to stay healthy. Fight to be the person you want to be. Don’t allow this single experience to define you. Make living for today the place you love to be. As Louise Gallagher says in her recent post, “This is, in many ways, the greatest challenge of recovery — to accept the past is simply the route I took to get to where I am today, a place I love to be. The past cannot be changed. It cannot be altered. It cannot be made ‘better.’ It can only be accepted so that it, and I, may rest in peace with what was, eager to accept what is true in my life today.”
I am sorry to hear about this problem you too are having.
I want to move but I own my house and why should I let him ruin that too. With the market the way it is I would lose money. The person he is with is also a P . She has stolen from me and basically done all she can to help ruin our lives.
When do they get what they deserve?
I know what you mean when you mention join forces. They have been against me and our son for ten + years and their forces increase as they recruit others, like another friend of mine, my ex brother in law,my ex mother in law, people at my sons school that know his dad and tell my son things, and even people at my sons church who tell my son things and harrass him on the church bus. Imagine that, my son can’t even worship in peace without being harrassed by her nephew who she placed on my sons church bus just to bother us. WHAT MORE??????To think they even tried to purposely infect our son (his own son). Who does that? and why would they attck me and my own son? Why target a ten year old just because they can’t get to me anymore?
Strange you should mention guns. I had a twelve gauge that he stole from me and I was just thinking the other day that I want to buy another one. I looked at some but they dont sell the one I had anymore ..it was called the “defender” and partly wooden. They just have cheaper plastic ones now. Maybe I can find a winchester at a pawn shop. But unlike you I really think I can pump it and pull the trigger if he EVER shows up at my door again. Sadly…they try to make it seem like WE are the crazy ones…but that would totally be so justified.
As for the dreams maybe you might think I am luckier as I have medication to sleep (you might want to look into that) but now most nights my dreams too are STOLEN from me.(so they win again)
Dear TooLate,
I’ve been reading your posts, and never welcomed you to LoveFraud. I’m glad you’re here.
I have some thoughts about your dreams and your feelings right now. I can tell that you feel overwhelmed but circumstances, and you’ve mentioned that you’re having a hard time seeing a good future. I want to reassure you that these are normal feelings, as you’re working this through. And that you will feel better as time goes on. As strange as this may sound right now, these are just circumstances that you’re dealing with. They’re really challenging, but they’re outside of you. Not really about you. You’re going through the process of learning how to deal with them.
There are two basic ways we respond to traumatic events. One is to withdraw behind our boundaries, to contract into a tight watchful space in which we are very conscious of the difference between ourselves and what is outside of us. Any of us who have been involved in physical abuse probably know that kind of response in the first shock. We pull back into ourselves, becoming hyper-alert and clearly aware that what is going on is not about us, though we have to deal with it.
The other common reaction is to have our boundaries “blown.” We feel diffused, like we are part of everything going on around us, inside the minds of other people, vulnerable to them being inside ours. Our awareness is the opposite of centered in our own reality, more involved in the circumstances than ourselves.
This second type of reaction is really common after an extended exposure to a sociopath. In fact, they foster it. They want us to be more involved with them than we are with ourselves. They want us to shift our mental center of gravity away from our own thoughts, feelings, values, wellbeng to being concerned about them.
And a part of healing from these relationship is to shift our center of gravity back into ourselves and to recover our clarity about what is us and what is the outside world. That is, to recovery our normal sense of boundaries.
This anger that you feel is a good thing. It’s actually the antidote to despair, because it clarifies that source of your problems is not you, but this other person. It is part of the process of getting back inside yourself, and looking at things from the perspective of your feelings, values, needs and wants. Judging them, judging their behavior is part of identifying what is good or bad for you. Something you can only do from a position of standing inside your own boundaries, and thinking about yourself. How this is for you. Whether you want it or you don’t. What choice you would make, if given the choice.
I’m telling you all this because I think you’re subconscious is telling you something important in these dreams. The first one with the gun is about taking control. The way I interpret it is that you were saying “no.” I wouldn’t get hung up on the gun itself, as much as the message that you were blowing away him and his influence on your life. That you were taking it back, as well as taking your children back.
One of the things that makes it difficult for you and all the other mothers in these situations is that the material instinct is sort of a voluntary elimination of boundaries between you and your children. Their wellbeing is as important as our own, not just emotionally but in concrete and practical ways in which we support them, during the years when they are not yet able to take care of themselves. And if we cannot succeed in preparing them for independence and releasing them to their own lives, that feeling never really calms down to the normal concern that any parent feels for a child, even when that child has reached success independence.
But, and this is a big but, it is essential for parents to take care of themselves, even when actively parenting a dependent child, because you can’t give what you don’t have. If you are physically and emotionally drained, you’re not only risking your own health, but you are unlikely to be responding in the ways you would respond if you were well and happy. And you can make yourself more emotionally imbalanced and more physically unhealthy, by attempting to manage continuing overloads.
So what I’m trying to say here is that it is okay if you shift your focus, at least part of the time, to taking care of you, rather than feeling like you have invest every bit of energy you have in worrying about the wellbeing of your children. It is really important that you comfort yourself and seek personal sources of joy and outlets for creativity.
This huge vulnerability you felt about your daughter’s statements to you — rather than recognizing that she is immature and being influenced by other people — indicates that you are emotionally exhausted. And needy. Not in a bad way, not in a way that you have to judge yourself. But in a way that makes you vulnerable to the opinions of a child, and an abused child at that, rather than you own knowledge that you are as good a mother as you can be.
If you weren’t wounded and healing, you wouldn’t internalize these kind of opinions. Or you would interpret them from where they came. And I’m not criticizing you for not being totally okay right now. You’ve been through a lot, and have reason to feel vulnerable. But I’m trying to encourage you to realize that, ultimately, your reality is the only truth you have to worry about. And that other people often project their own issues on each other. It’s one of the reasons we eventually realize the hurtful things other people say are evidence of their internal dramas, not anything about us.
To get back to your other dream, your “daylight” self which is so upset and grieving about so many things that seem out of your control interprets this as evidence of your life falling apart. But your deeper self, I believe, was sending you a message here. Yes, the house looks a little rickety and broken down right now. But you, in the dream, took pleasure in ownership of the house. It was, for the first time, yours. And there was a calm, realistic, and optimistic analysis in that dream that could you fix it and make it a good place with some time and effort. The deeper part of you believes in you, and is sending you a congratulatory message on your work in taking back your life.
I know you don’t feel wonderful right now, and you have a lot of worry. Particularly about your daughter. I’m an incest survivor, and I can tell you that she is damaged and there are going to be repercussions in her life. But this is out of your control. Even if you did the legal work of charging your ex with statutory rape and getting him out of her life, until she recognizes that she has been harmed and seeks help, you can’t fix her.
The larger truth is that all of you have been abused. And I would suggest that the best, most important and most influential thing you can do for your children is to get yourself well. Take your recovery seriously and learn the important lessons from the experience. These people ultimately are our teachers. They teach us that we need to learn to have better boundaries, take ourselves more seriously, take better care of ourselves, and be more active about building the lives we want, lives that reflect what is important to us and what satisfies our souls.
You can be an example to your children. Not only as a good and caring person, but as an example of how we heal and learn from adversity. Being loved by someone who is centered in herself, able to navigate the ups and downs of life, and honest about how she feels and thinks is a lot different than being loved by someone who is traumatized, frantic with worry and unhappy with her own feelings. The more healed you become, the better you’ll be a beacon to other people struggling with these challenges.
And I suspect the day will come when you say something quite different to your daughter, such as, “When you recognize that you’re being abused, and you want to return to a safer environment, I can offer you that. But only if you agree to live by the rules of this house, and to get counseling to help you heal the terrible things you’ve been through. I love you and I will help you as much as I can.”
Your boundaries are important too, and your ability to take care of yourself. If you can’t do that, you can’t take care of anyone else.
I hope this makes sense, and I haven’t offended you. I think you’re doing great.
Kathy
TooLate,
I just wanted to add one thing. I know there was a lot to digest in that last post, but after I wrote it, I thought about the feelings of guilt that I’m sure are underlying some of your worry.
Eventually, everyone is responsible for themselves, and part of parenting is communicating that responsibility. Just as I’m encouraging you to think about taking care of yourself, you might think about turning any hurtful comments from your children back to them, questioning them about their own choices. It’s normal for kids to blame their parents, because the kids feel dependent on their parents’ decisions. But I think it’s a reasonable part of your role to ask them, “How are you taking care of yourself in this situation? And are you doing the best thing for your own safety and happiness?”
Your children are old enough to be talking about their choices, and having awareness of the repercussions of those choices. I’m not suggesting that you deluge them with worry and lecturing. But asking how they think this will come out, and offering help if they want it to come out differently, may be an effective way to approach some behaviors that worry you.
By help, I’m not suggesting that you breach your own boundaries of what you consider safe or sane. That would be enabling. But one of the things about growing up is getting an enlarged view of our potential options. If they know you’re behind them, and they know that you might be able to come up with ideas that they didn’t think of, it might improve things all around. Both the relationships between you, and their feelings that they have better choices for now and the future.
As for you, guilt is not a productive feeling. Not when it’s extended. If you have something you need to apologize for, especially with yourself, do it. And learn from the experience, so you understand the mistake and how not to do it again. That is what guilt is for, and that’s all it’s for. Not to beat yourself up endlessly and keep rushing around in emotional circles.
You always did the best you could. And if you don’t believe that, maybe you should do the Post-IT note thing. Put them up on the mirrors in your house and places you’re likely to see them. You always did the best you could. Everyone makes mistakes. Forgiving yourself is an essential part of healing. You are a good person, and you deserve that understanding from yourself.
Love —
Kathy
Miss Kay:
It’s the same thing with me. Even my own brother turned against me before he found this other Pschyco that he married. She hates my kids and was the one that caused my son to be kicked out. She hits my daughter. And, now, she’s made him come after me thru the legal system for child support she thinks she’s going to get out of me. Little does she know that the bastard not only never paid me child support but also owes me twice any amount that I may owe him. My hope for now is that they split up soon. If I could only figure out what makes her tick, I may be able to get them both off my back. I know he’s entire to apathetic to try anything on his own.
Dear Kathy,
I am not offended by anything you wrote. As with all truths, it made perfect sense.
I am far from perfect. I will not lie to myself about this. I am not a sociopath or a bad person, but I do recognize that I cannot always see emotional situations clearly. I know that it is easier for me to make excuses and allow myself to fail than it is to be strong and prevail. I do recognize that I need help. A LOT of help.
I thank you for your honesty and clarity. Some days I have so many thoughts and feelings and anger and, and, and … circling and whirring around me and around in my head that I can’t see the forest for the trees.
Your post helped me to step back and take a look.
Your idea about the gun in my dream was a perspective that never occured to me. I was so startled and scared by the violence, that I didn’t see any other meaning.
Likewise, the perspective you gave me of the house and my “blind” optimism was also something I hadn’t considered.
I often feel as though I am barely able to provide the necessary environment (and strong parent … that would be me) that my boys need right now. I fear that I am allowing innefective coping mechanisms to take me in the wrong direction. There is a soft voice that is telling me … take a Benadryl INSTEAD of an alcoholic beverage before you go to sleep. I am a nurse. I know what I SHOULD be doing. It’s just not always easy to take my own advice. I don’t want to be circling the drain … I want to get stronger.
Your post was full of wisdom and written well. Although I have to leave for work now, I’d like to print your post out when I get home so I can read it to myself over and over again. It may be a way for me to stay focused. What you suggest is the direction I want to go. I need to keep reminding myself.
A simple thank you is not strong enough to express my gratitude. I don’t know what else to say … except that your post really reached me and that it will most likely have a positive impact on my life from this day forward.
Kimberly
Kimberly, I’m so glad and relieved. I didn’t want to add to your burden in any way. I know how hard this is. It used to relieve me a lot when my therapist told I’m on the right track. And I can easily say the same thing to yo. This is a process, and you’re clearly moving through it.
Kathy
Hi everyone,
I’ve been reading the posts on this thread and learning a lot. Kathleen, I SO relate to much of what you wrote to Too Late. I am feeling that abuse today. I am feeling that overwhelming feeling that no matter how hard I work, no matter what I do, I will never get out of the financial and emotional pit I was left in. I keep thinking of all that he took, without regret, remorse or guilt. I am ANGRY today because on many levels, he took my belief in mankind and myself.
Several years ago, I had him arrested for domestic violence It was for holding pinning me down and attempting to have sex with me. I wouldn’t do it and he looked me in the face and said, “Are you scared yet?” Really, as I look back, that was attempted sexual assault and THAT is what he should have been charged with. He told the police he was “just kidding” with me. I am just now realizing the extent of this and maybe this whle thread triggered a past issue that I had buried.
I don’t know whether to cry of get a baseball bat out and go find him. Of course, I won’t do that because it would just give him satisfaction. It’s just one of those days. We all have them and I’m sure I’ll get out of it, but right now I’m feeling very tired as well and maybe, I should take some of the advice on here and use it.
No, I don’t think I’ll ever be the same again.
Neither will I. I have lost so much of me that I know can’t ever get back. He’s made me a worse person and I hate him all the more for that.