Have you ever watched a “psychopathic interaction” taking place and wished you were able to approach the non-psychopath and offer her (or him) all of the knowledge you already have on the subject? I have.
Even if you are in the initial phases of learning, the fact that you are here indicates that you have an idea of what is occurring. In the interaction I will highlight, the non-psychopath was, sadly, without a clue. At first, I could not believe what I was seeing. Although, retrospectively, I fail to see what made it unbelievable to me, since I had lived it. Nonetheless, the goings on made me uneasy. I knew just enough about the situation to suspect that psychopathy was at play in the relationship, but had never seen both parties interact prior to the incident. My relationship with one of the members of the duo was new and I did not know the other much either, so I did not want to pass judgment or assess a situation with which I was only vaguely familiar. However, I found things all too recognizable. I knew what I was seeing.
The interaction
I knew the non-psychopath in the exchange had no idea what was happening to her, as she reacted to each of his words in a manner that unknowingly escalated things. She was not wrong and her methods would have been successful with someone void of a large number of psychopathic features. The individual in this pair with the history of abuse, infidelity, questionable judgment, and a host of other psychopathic traits, played the non-psychopath like a fiddle. I also recall thinking how the topic seemed inappropriate for the location. Regardless, he persisted. The more irritated and upset she became, the calmer and more in control he was. He had all of the answers and delivered them smoothly. He arrogantly belittled her, but just loud enough for those around to hear, hoping that we would see her “crazy” or unfit. Perhaps others gave pause, but I knew better.
Finally, through tears and a face filled with immense pain, she scooped up her youngest children, now also in tears, and headed for her car. He called out to her as she walked away, asking if she was glad that she had managed to “scare” the little ones. He then shook his head and looked around, feigning embarrassment, but I recognized his satisfaction. A short time later, I overheard him speaking on the phone, in a gentle and loving tone, indicating to whomever was on the other end that the coast was now clear and that it was “safe” for them to meet later at a distant location.
Of course, I thought. He intentionally initiated the fight with his wife in order to find an excuse to leave. Had she not been “yelling” or “screaming,” at him, or “making” the kids cry, he would not have been forced to go. Had she been a better wife or mother, he would be heading home, rather than out. He knew he was setting his unsuspecting, caring, wife up for failure and he did so in such a way that ultimately, even she would blame herself for his departure.
The outcome
As time passed, I heard that the discord within the home escalated and that he is no longer in the picture much. I wanted to reach out to her, but found it hard, being mere acquaintances. I also suspected that she was not yet ready to receive what we either already know or are learning about. While I found that frustrating, I was there once, in the not too distant past, as were probably many of us. Acceptance is a process. However, I did leave information in trusted hands.
In a perfect world
Regardless, I empathize with her and wish she did not have to experience what lies ahead, as I am reasonably certain I know what her immediate future holds. I wish I could move time forward, to a place where her understanding reigns, eliminating the pain. I would like to tell her that her perfect, beautiful self is not flawed and have her believe it. I would like to spare her children the manipulation they will further encounter, whether for a time or for good. I would like to help her march “double time” to the place where she is able to forgive him for her sake, leaving behind the anger and fear that tend to accompany the attacks and aggression.
However, I cannot. In fact, I suppose this process really should not be rushed. I think that taking the time to feel and honor every feeling is important. But it would be nice if we could move it along for those we see suffering as we did. Now that I recognize these psychopathic interactions, I imagine I’ll always feel this way, upon witnessing such events. My hopes for her are eventual success along her journey and success for all of us along ours.
skylar
Changed, can you have that policy cancelled? As long as the policy exists, he has a motive. On the other hand, maybe you can call the company and tell them that he doesn’t own anything in the house, all the belongings are yours, therefore YOU should be the only beneficiary. Just changing the beneficiary would be enough to remove his motivation.
Ox Drover
If you change the beneficiary, make sure that you pay the bill AND that he knows that YOU are the beneficiary and that he is unable to get a cent even in the event of your death….if you were dead, and he the father of the kids, the kids would inherit anything and as their “father” he would have control of the funds the kids inherited, so keep that in mind too.
I encourage you to make a will and a video will as well, and though you cannot “will” your children, you can express why you want your sister or who ever to raise them. You can will any estate to your children and APPOINT A GUARDIAN of their funds, so HE could NOT get control of any money the kids got. Give the video and the original of the will to a friend or family member or an attorney if you have no family or friend you trust.
I still recommend that you move if at all possible.
skylar
Question for anyone who knows: How can a person find out if anyone has a life insurance policy on them?
Ox Drover
I am not 100% sure…but I think it is illegal to have a life insurance policy on an adult who does not consent or know. Back when my husband and I had a huge engineering project going that we had a lot of money invested in, if he had died, I would have been SCREWED so we had our company take out a policy called a “key man” policy that would have paid if he had died with the project half done or so on. We also as it turned out should have had a key man policy on another man who was involved with it. He DID die before it was done.
But as far as I know it is illegal to have a policy on someone who doesn’t know it. Call your state’s insurance over sight commission and ask them it might vary from state to state.
Babs94540
I agree with Ox Drover and others. I think its HIGHLY suspicious and actually alarming that your ‘spathy husband/ex-husband took out an insurance policy on your residence and doubled the payout… which would be made to HIM??!! If that’s the case, then I see big red flags waving. I suggest that you contact a lawyer for a consultation. A one-hour or even a half-hour consultation shouldn’t be too steep. Ask the lawyer all those pertinent questions: Is it legal to take out an insurance policy on another person/another residence, payable to yourself, even if you don’t live there? Is it legal to get ANY kind of insurance policy on another person without their consent? Can I get an extension on the restraining order? What do I need to do in order to get such an extension? etc. I also agree that its in your best interest to move. Get a post office box for your mail, don’t have any mail sent to your new address. Your ex and his family of origin sound truly creepy and dangerous; its sad when we have to do such things to protect ourselves from “loved ones”, but sometimes those are the cards you are dealt. Its better to just deal with the reality in a reasoned, proactive manner.
Your children will be healthier and safer without psychopathic individuals in their life, even if its their dad who is the psychopath. Truly, having no dad is better than having a psychopathic dad.