Have you ever watched a “psychopathic interaction” taking place and wished you were able to approach the non-psychopath and offer her (or him) all of the knowledge you already have on the subject? I have.
Even if you are in the initial phases of learning, the fact that you are here indicates that you have an idea of what is occurring. In the interaction I will highlight, the non-psychopath was, sadly, without a clue. At first, I could not believe what I was seeing. Although, retrospectively, I fail to see what made it unbelievable to me, since I had lived it. Nonetheless, the goings on made me uneasy. I knew just enough about the situation to suspect that psychopathy was at play in the relationship, but had never seen both parties interact prior to the incident. My relationship with one of the members of the duo was new and I did not know the other much either, so I did not want to pass judgment or assess a situation with which I was only vaguely familiar. However, I found things all too recognizable. I knew what I was seeing.
The interaction
I knew the non-psychopath in the exchange had no idea what was happening to her, as she reacted to each of his words in a manner that unknowingly escalated things. She was not wrong and her methods would have been successful with someone void of a large number of psychopathic features. The individual in this pair with the history of abuse, infidelity, questionable judgment, and a host of other psychopathic traits, played the non-psychopath like a fiddle. I also recall thinking how the topic seemed inappropriate for the location. Regardless, he persisted. The more irritated and upset she became, the calmer and more in control he was. He had all of the answers and delivered them smoothly. He arrogantly belittled her, but just loud enough for those around to hear, hoping that we would see her “crazy” or unfit. Perhaps others gave pause, but I knew better.
Finally, through tears and a face filled with immense pain, she scooped up her youngest children, now also in tears, and headed for her car. He called out to her as she walked away, asking if she was glad that she had managed to “scare” the little ones. He then shook his head and looked around, feigning embarrassment, but I recognized his satisfaction. A short time later, I overheard him speaking on the phone, in a gentle and loving tone, indicating to whomever was on the other end that the coast was now clear and that it was “safe” for them to meet later at a distant location.
Of course, I thought. He intentionally initiated the fight with his wife in order to find an excuse to leave. Had she not been “yelling” or “screaming,” at him, or “making” the kids cry, he would not have been forced to go. Had she been a better wife or mother, he would be heading home, rather than out. He knew he was setting his unsuspecting, caring, wife up for failure and he did so in such a way that ultimately, even she would blame herself for his departure.
The outcome
As time passed, I heard that the discord within the home escalated and that he is no longer in the picture much. I wanted to reach out to her, but found it hard, being mere acquaintances. I also suspected that she was not yet ready to receive what we either already know or are learning about. While I found that frustrating, I was there once, in the not too distant past, as were probably many of us. Acceptance is a process. However, I did leave information in trusted hands.
In a perfect world
Regardless, I empathize with her and wish she did not have to experience what lies ahead, as I am reasonably certain I know what her immediate future holds. I wish I could move time forward, to a place where her understanding reigns, eliminating the pain. I would like to tell her that her perfect, beautiful self is not flawed and have her believe it. I would like to spare her children the manipulation they will further encounter, whether for a time or for good. I would like to help her march “double time” to the place where she is able to forgive him for her sake, leaving behind the anger and fear that tend to accompany the attacks and aggression.
However, I cannot. In fact, I suppose this process really should not be rushed. I think that taking the time to feel and honor every feeling is important. But it would be nice if we could move it along for those we see suffering as we did. Now that I recognize these psychopathic interactions, I imagine I’ll always feel this way, upon witnessing such events. My hopes for her are eventual success along her journey and success for all of us along ours.
(((Linda)))
Linda,
This article brought tears to my eyes, having been in her shoes. God Bless this woman, having her realize in time that she is the abused one, that she didn’t DESERVE any of this man’s awfulness.
Horrible. So sorry you had to witness that and so sorry for that poor woman.
Thanks, Linda. This is a classic, right out of the psychopathic play book.
Linda, I think it is impossible to go through life and not WITNESS something like this….but it is OUR KNOWING WHAT IT IS that is the new part of it. I can look back in my life and remember MANY instances of just this sort of thing, but I didn’t know what I was witnessing…I have had this sort of thing HAPPEN TO ME and I didn’t know what was happening.
I’ve seen it in my patients when I did home care–with psychopathic but disabled men still abusing their wives from their beds. Sometimes I tried to gently intervene…after all he could no longer chase her down…he couldn’t walk, she finally had the physical upper hand, yet she continued to let him abuse her verbally and I believe physically.
Since retirement, I no longer come in contact with enough people outside my circle of trust that I see much of this any more…but chances are unless there was immediate physical danger I would just pretty much keep my mouth shut. Here on Love Fraud the people who have found their way here are interested in learning about psychopaths, are open even to the CONCEPT of what they are dealing with, but like you, Linda, I think everyone has to learn them at their own pace, their own time, their own way.
Just WoW! That account made my heart break! OMG! Once upon a time, long ago, I was that woman…in a simalar situation with the “father” of my kids! Now here I am all these years later, trying to recover from this spath I am still married to (but he is out of the house!) The Spath entanglements we have been thru, have in addition, given us clairity, contact lenses, to see past “what appears”, to what really is. When I think back over the last three years, I see the GASLIGHTING, the LIES, the COVERT behavior, how he just sat there, STONE COLD, cool & collected, while “trying to plead to a “decent side” I THOUGHT HE HAD? Just aghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!! As I read this account, all I could do is just sit here, and wince knowingly, and just shake my head. Little does that lady know the hell, that may await her. If she only knew! I do have to share, that I had an incredible 4 hours spent talking with my “husbands” ex-wife earlier this week!! Yes, I did! Thru a set of circumstances, I did come to be able to talk to her, in a positive, productive situation. Its a long story, but I wanted to share with her what had happened to me in the last three yrs., (she was very gracious, and sympathetic) and to let her know what I had un-covered over this last year, to let her KNOW what she endured for 20+ years while she was married to that monster…was not just your “run-of-the-mill” cheating dirt-bag husband! After about an hour or so, I told her I KNOW WHAT HE DID TO YOU AND YOUR FAMILY!….here is why I know, the research I have done, and the hell he put you and your kids thru is because he is a sociopath! Several times thru the convo, she had tears welled-up in her eyes. She looked at me knowingly, and compassionately. Told her, it was not my intent to drag her to the past, or involve her in MY hell, but did want her to know her ex-spath STILL has it in for her, AND still has a venomous hatred for her, and to be AWARE of these truths. Wanted her to UNDERSTAND what she was married to, and that she WAS NOT CRAZY!!! Ironically, at the same time, SHE is one of the only people that CAN RELATE to me! It was all a good thing, that her, and I spoke! I did tell her, that i wished someone would’ve warned me, given me a head-up about him…but everybody was either duped by him (again), and/or just turned a blind eye to it. 🙁 I did tell her that had I known, what he did do, (having a long-term affair on her), if someome would have taken me aside……i would’ve NEVER married someone like that! Ughhhh, but that matters not, now. Just so very thankful, in the middle of my hell, there shone a glimmer of healing, to someone else! The spath’s ex-wife sooooooooooo related to what I was sharing with her! As our convo came to a close, she thanked me, and gave me a hug……and to let her know if there was anything SHE could do for me! Ya’ll just can imagine how that blesses MY heart!!! 🙂 In a bittersweet way, our encounter was a balm for us both. I could cry, just sitting here typing this, LOL! but can’t, (i’m in a public library!) Saw this posting, on my phone, and had to come to a library to post, when I saw Linda’s story! I’m not out of the woods yet, we are still “lagally married”, and he has not filed yet. (no way, I do not have the money!) Ironically, his ex-wife offered me HER ATTY’s number, the lady she had, when she was being drug thru court for 18mo. by this rat-bastard! ohhh, would’nt that be ironically KARMA? I haven’t contacted her atty, yet. Hummmm, wonder if she does “chairity cases”? His ex even offered to “preface” my call to her atty with a friendly introductory email! LOL! Once again, am so very grateful to this site! It has been a lifeline for me! Will keep updating, as I can! Best wishes to all! <3
Radar, best wishes to you too! Good luck on your journey. Very interesting story. Of course the ex knew EXACTLY what you were talking about. While they treat each wife/partner somewhat differently, depending on how the wives fare in the separations/divorces, ultimately, in most ways, the treatment is similar. I have learned that the more “destroyed” the partners leave the relationship, the better off (I know that sounds sick) they are. Leave with too much, and they come back to “finish the job.” Naturally, that could mean a variety of things. Your knowledge will guide you and that is more than most people have at that stage! So that’s great!
Oxy, I agree about it being impossible to go through life and not witness this. I tend to be very aware now. I also used to be the person on the receiving end. It does sort of blow my mind that they continue even as they are incapacitated. But then again, maybe it doesn’t. It’s what they do…. I too, truly believe that the concept that the ones we once cared about can have such serious issues is a tough pill to swallow – one of the hardest, in fact. So, it really does take time, unfortunately. I worked with someone through her problems during her divorce for almost a year prior to her taking me seriously on the matter. I gave her sites, books, and articles. In spite of all of the material, she repeatedly doubted herself. Finally, after an incident that was the proverbial “straw that broke the camel’s back,” she accepted it. It changed her world, because she was able to change herself.
Kim, Louise, bluejay, and skylar, thanks to you too for reading! It is something plucked from the playbook! She does not deserve his awfulness and I sincerely hope she finds her way.
Take care all!! 🙂
Linda,
I felt so sad as I read your post.For that was me,for too many years.I was in denial.I wanted to make my dreams of a happy family life work.And as I watched it all crumble down around me,I could only think there is no way I can take care of me and three girls.Besides,he always seemed to figure out when I was making plans to try to leave.It went on and on…seemingly the never ending story!But two separations and 27 yrs later,here I am!
You know….what really aggravates me to this day (and yet I don’t hold it as a grudge because some people don’t know what to do) is that one day after we were already married,a relative on his side of the family,told me that he had THOUGHT about telling me what I was “getting into”!!!
Blossom, I completely understand.
We are invested and want to make things work. Further, we know that we are using some very tried and true skills in these attempts. My undergraduate degree is in Inerpersonal Communications, for example, and I would speak in “I” statements, rather than “you.” I also have background in de-escalation. Those methods didn’t work. I was left scratching my head. Eventually, I was reduced to the yelling heap he wanted me to be. I didn’t understand.
So…it is sad. They do sense our movement, even if only emotional. If you were detatching, he could tell. That’s what they’re best at! I recall that hamster on the wheel feeling too! As for the relative, we would not have listened anyway. We live and learn, I guess!! Congratulations on getting it all figured out! Yes…here we are! 🙂
I watched a good friend wither on the vine with a psychopathic husband. I gave her information regarding personality disorders, gave support, encouraged her to go to therapy to work on her issues, told her I would be there for her anytime she chose to leave him. She threatened to leave a lot but never did. I watched him abuse her and I watched her reactions. I watched her adapt to his increasing abuse and manipulation, and I watched her change into a person I can’t even recognize anymore. It got to the point that I couldn’t stay around any longer, after having lived through some of the same and finding my own freedom and healing. I had to detach for my own well being.
I just can’t watch these things go on anymore. I can’t do it. I’ve also come to the conclusion that I can’t save people from pain. They have to figure it out themselves, just like I did.