Have you ever watched a “psychopathic interaction” taking place and wished you were able to approach the non-psychopath and offer her (or him) all of the knowledge you already have on the subject? I have.
Even if you are in the initial phases of learning, the fact that you are here indicates that you have an idea of what is occurring. In the interaction I will highlight, the non-psychopath was, sadly, without a clue. At first, I could not believe what I was seeing. Although, retrospectively, I fail to see what made it unbelievable to me, since I had lived it. Nonetheless, the goings on made me uneasy. I knew just enough about the situation to suspect that psychopathy was at play in the relationship, but had never seen both parties interact prior to the incident. My relationship with one of the members of the duo was new and I did not know the other much either, so I did not want to pass judgment or assess a situation with which I was only vaguely familiar. However, I found things all too recognizable. I knew what I was seeing.
The interaction
I knew the non-psychopath in the exchange had no idea what was happening to her, as she reacted to each of his words in a manner that unknowingly escalated things. She was not wrong and her methods would have been successful with someone void of a large number of psychopathic features. The individual in this pair with the history of abuse, infidelity, questionable judgment, and a host of other psychopathic traits, played the non-psychopath like a fiddle. I also recall thinking how the topic seemed inappropriate for the location. Regardless, he persisted. The more irritated and upset she became, the calmer and more in control he was. He had all of the answers and delivered them smoothly. He arrogantly belittled her, but just loud enough for those around to hear, hoping that we would see her “crazy” or unfit. Perhaps others gave pause, but I knew better.
Finally, through tears and a face filled with immense pain, she scooped up her youngest children, now also in tears, and headed for her car. He called out to her as she walked away, asking if she was glad that she had managed to “scare” the little ones. He then shook his head and looked around, feigning embarrassment, but I recognized his satisfaction. A short time later, I overheard him speaking on the phone, in a gentle and loving tone, indicating to whomever was on the other end that the coast was now clear and that it was “safe” for them to meet later at a distant location.
Of course, I thought. He intentionally initiated the fight with his wife in order to find an excuse to leave. Had she not been “yelling” or “screaming,” at him, or “making” the kids cry, he would not have been forced to go. Had she been a better wife or mother, he would be heading home, rather than out. He knew he was setting his unsuspecting, caring, wife up for failure and he did so in such a way that ultimately, even she would blame herself for his departure.
The outcome
As time passed, I heard that the discord within the home escalated and that he is no longer in the picture much. I wanted to reach out to her, but found it hard, being mere acquaintances. I also suspected that she was not yet ready to receive what we either already know or are learning about. While I found that frustrating, I was there once, in the not too distant past, as were probably many of us. Acceptance is a process. However, I did leave information in trusted hands.
In a perfect world
Regardless, I empathize with her and wish she did not have to experience what lies ahead, as I am reasonably certain I know what her immediate future holds. I wish I could move time forward, to a place where her understanding reigns, eliminating the pain. I would like to tell her that her perfect, beautiful self is not flawed and have her believe it. I would like to spare her children the manipulation they will further encounter, whether for a time or for good. I would like to help her march “double time” to the place where she is able to forgive him for her sake, leaving behind the anger and fear that tend to accompany the attacks and aggression.
However, I cannot. In fact, I suppose this process really should not be rushed. I think that taking the time to feel and honor every feeling is important. But it would be nice if we could move it along for those we see suffering as we did. Now that I recognize these psychopathic interactions, I imagine I’ll always feel this way, upon witnessing such events. My hopes for her are eventual success along her journey and success for all of us along ours.
Linda, this is a superb article and I very much appreciate your posting your insight on this – it is inevitable that we are going to witness “bad behavior.” I”ve seen it in many dozens of instances, especially when I was renting from the colleague. The more deeply into recovery I got, the more clearly others’ behaviors were identifiable. Some people were simply behaving “badly” as a result of ignorance. Others were doing this because they are in some state of disorder.
There is no possible manner to “warn” another victim that they are being set up and abused by someone who fits the profile of a sociopath. There just isn’t. I recollect the colleague wanting to host a sci-fi marathon with his friends and it would have been a wonderful time, indeed! But, his spath girlfriend was in the process of isolating him from his friends and she forbade (yes, disallowed) this event in her own boyfriend’s home. The words out of her mouth were, “There’s not going to be any marathon.” And, she saw that there wasn’t. I was flabberghasted that this ill-mannered woman was going to dictate what her boyfriend would be “allowed” to do, and actually told my colleague (quote), “I had no idea that you weren’t allowed to host the marathon, and I won’t ever mention it, again.”
Whether or not this caused the colleague to examine his situation with this woman is none of my business. But, what it allowed for me was the assurance that I had brought the issue of control up and that he was aware that her dictatorship was visible. End of story.
Would I have altered my course had someone asked me pointed and direct questions about EITHER exspath? Probably not. I was not in the state of mind that I am, today.
So, we are going to see these episodes. It is inevitable, especially considering the percentages of disordered people out there who intend to deliberately inflict harm. It’s been triggering for me in the past, because I could identify with the isolation, dictatorship, control, etc. Today, I’m not triggered as much as I am saddened. Just as you mentioned, Linda, there’s this strong desire to take the man or woman aside and tell them that they are entierly too valuable to waste their time trying to appease a heartless jackass. It’s a desire, but I won’t follow through with this desire.
Again, thank you for this article.
Brightest blessings
I really liked the psychopaths’s second wife. He moved out of our house with a moving van when I was at work and the children at daycare and moved in with her. He even cut off the phone without regard for his own children’s safety. I was just so glad to have him gone and not coming back I was rejoicing.
He also interviewed all the good lawyers in town and so I could not use them. That was not so good for his reputation as a lawyer either…backfired on him and he had to leave town. I felt safe with the children visiting him because of his new wife and thought he had little impact on them. They often did not even want to go. Little did I know he would come back and steal them from me when he gave up on keeping a wife and the children were grown.
I wanted to warn the third wife and did tell her so after their divorce. She appreciated it very much but agree she would not have believed me beforehand. She is a lovely woman too and suggested the three of us get together for lunch. We laughed about how it would have blown his mind but we never did it, I am not in touch with either of them anymore. They are home free with none of his children.
I guess I am now finally home free too with none of his children anymore. Both of them wanted to see him on Christmas even though they knew it would hurt me and my sister was dying. She passed away on January 4th. If they cannot have empathy even under those circumstances they simply do not have any.
I tired to help with the estate but it was so doubly painful I left and will not go back. It is only stuff so let them have it or give it away. I offered my sister a few things I thought she would want that I did not want and she took them. Then she started taking things she thought I would not want without asking. I finally spoke up and she wanted everything I wanted too. Like a vulture she wants to take it all and put it in storage with all of the other stuff she does not have room for. And I was blamed for telling the truth and standing up for myself.
She has over a million dollars and wanted the old leather living room furniture for her daughter who has old furniture because she wants to be a stay home mom and put their daughter in private school while my daughter has to work and still cannot afford private school.
Money breeds greed and contempt. She is appalled at how poor our sister-in law claims to be because they got more millions in a business venture the husbands did together (our brother and her ex-husband).
Then she says things to us (my late sister and I so I guess it is just me now) about how poor she is and she how she could not help my late sister financially before she got cancer. Then after 18 years when I took care of her. she showed up with the big bucks for the last four months of her life like a virtuous loving sister.
Now she does not want any of our late sister’s gorgeous framed prints because she only hangs originals in her three houses but she does not want me to have anything either. She only wants the valuable antiques and will lovingly give me the rest.
I knew when our brother died 4 years ago that I had no family but I kept holding on to some dream. At least I am free now and I do have my husband who finally sees it all for what it is…a happy family hoax.
I need advice on my situation, but I don’t know where to post. Can someone please help me?
Betsy, “a happy family hoax” BOY that says it right there!!!! HAPPY FAMILY HOAX. Yea, that’s what I had a happy family hoax, or as I called it “let’s pretend we’re a nice normal family” LOL ROTFLMAO
Well, enjoy your husband and the two of you are a HAPPY FAMILY, you have each other. So go out and make some new friends, do some new things, travel and make some memories together. Join a church or volunteer group of some kind, find a purpose in life. Take in foster kids or whatever YOU WANT TO DO. Let the rest of them have the “stuff” it isn’t important. That’s all it is is STUFF…and STUFF isn’t important, I found that out when I fled my home which I loved, I found out that STUFF ain’t worth diddly.
Changedforever, right here is as good a place as any, post away.
I believe my ex is a full-blown sociopath with all my heart. Before I knew what I was up against, I had two beautiful children with this monster. Back in July, not long after he attacked me and almost broke my neck, I recorded him threatening to kill me, he also threatened to not only kill me, but brand “God forgives & I don’t” on my body if I told anyone about the conversation. I did tell, I called the police. He was arrested, and with good time served, will be out in two weeks from today. I don’t know what to do, I don’t know who I can trust, no family or friends are willing to help me and my babies. I’m in a small town, with little to no resources, and feel like a sitting duck, just waiting for his inevitable wrath. Any questions, encouragement, or words of advice?
Changed, we need to know how old the kids are.
The oldest is 2, and the youngest just turned 1 last month. There is no custody/visitation order in effect at this time. I asked for, and was granted a year-long protection order for myself back in July, but it did not cover the children beyond awarding me full-temporary custody for 90 days. Family law in this state is of the opinion that “just because he is a bad spouse, (we never married) does not make him a bad father”. I beg to differ…
I also forgot to add that I was told more than once a restraining/protection order would be considered a “personal invitation” if one was ever taken out on this “person”.
OK, those are good ages because they don’t have to be in school.
I’m not the expert on family law around here but perhaps someone who is can chime in. From what I’ve gathered, just reading here, there has been at least one person who was able to runaway with her kids BEFORE the court ordered visitations. Without a court order, you aren’t breaking any laws. So my suggestion, just off the top of my head is to disappear before he involves the justice system.
The only other thing I can think of is to do the opposite, stay put but get cameras and audio recording everywhere you go. Upload it to the web, make sure you are “on” at all times. Put gps on the kids, and the pets. Get a trained attack dog, etc…
The objective with the second option is to get him thrown back in jail, for a longer sentence.
Will he have probation or parole? For how long?
Edit: just saw your last post. Yes, that is often the case because it shows fear. But in your case, it works as long as YOU don’t show fear. They love to see the fear in our faces, so practice looking bored and sleepy if you ever encounter him again.