Have you ever watched a “psychopathic interaction” taking place and wished you were able to approach the non-psychopath and offer her (or him) all of the knowledge you already have on the subject? I have.
Even if you are in the initial phases of learning, the fact that you are here indicates that you have an idea of what is occurring. In the interaction I will highlight, the non-psychopath was, sadly, without a clue. At first, I could not believe what I was seeing. Although, retrospectively, I fail to see what made it unbelievable to me, since I had lived it. Nonetheless, the goings on made me uneasy. I knew just enough about the situation to suspect that psychopathy was at play in the relationship, but had never seen both parties interact prior to the incident. My relationship with one of the members of the duo was new and I did not know the other much either, so I did not want to pass judgment or assess a situation with which I was only vaguely familiar. However, I found things all too recognizable. I knew what I was seeing.
The interaction
I knew the non-psychopath in the exchange had no idea what was happening to her, as she reacted to each of his words in a manner that unknowingly escalated things. She was not wrong and her methods would have been successful with someone void of a large number of psychopathic features. The individual in this pair with the history of abuse, infidelity, questionable judgment, and a host of other psychopathic traits, played the non-psychopath like a fiddle. I also recall thinking how the topic seemed inappropriate for the location. Regardless, he persisted. The more irritated and upset she became, the calmer and more in control he was. He had all of the answers and delivered them smoothly. He arrogantly belittled her, but just loud enough for those around to hear, hoping that we would see her “crazy” or unfit. Perhaps others gave pause, but I knew better.
Finally, through tears and a face filled with immense pain, she scooped up her youngest children, now also in tears, and headed for her car. He called out to her as she walked away, asking if she was glad that she had managed to “scare” the little ones. He then shook his head and looked around, feigning embarrassment, but I recognized his satisfaction. A short time later, I overheard him speaking on the phone, in a gentle and loving tone, indicating to whomever was on the other end that the coast was now clear and that it was “safe” for them to meet later at a distant location.
Of course, I thought. He intentionally initiated the fight with his wife in order to find an excuse to leave. Had she not been “yelling” or “screaming,” at him, or “making” the kids cry, he would not have been forced to go. Had she been a better wife or mother, he would be heading home, rather than out. He knew he was setting his unsuspecting, caring, wife up for failure and he did so in such a way that ultimately, even she would blame herself for his departure.
The outcome
As time passed, I heard that the discord within the home escalated and that he is no longer in the picture much. I wanted to reach out to her, but found it hard, being mere acquaintances. I also suspected that she was not yet ready to receive what we either already know or are learning about. While I found that frustrating, I was there once, in the not too distant past, as were probably many of us. Acceptance is a process. However, I did leave information in trusted hands.
In a perfect world
Regardless, I empathize with her and wish she did not have to experience what lies ahead, as I am reasonably certain I know what her immediate future holds. I wish I could move time forward, to a place where her understanding reigns, eliminating the pain. I would like to tell her that her perfect, beautiful self is not flawed and have her believe it. I would like to spare her children the manipulation they will further encounter, whether for a time or for good. I would like to help her march “double time” to the place where she is able to forgive him for her sake, leaving behind the anger and fear that tend to accompany the attacks and aggression.
However, I cannot. In fact, I suppose this process really should not be rushed. I think that taking the time to feel and honor every feeling is important. But it would be nice if we could move it along for those we see suffering as we did. Now that I recognize these psychopathic interactions, I imagine I’ll always feel this way, upon witnessing such events. My hopes for her are eventual success along her journey and success for all of us along ours.
I believe he will receive probation/parole, but do not know for how long. I haven’t received much cooperation or answers from the judicial system where I am anytime I ask questions, or try to voice my concerns. I am never notified of anything beforehand, only after the fact, when I call to inquire about what is, or will happen.
Ok, I hate to ask more personal questions but what is your job/money situation? What can you afford? Can you afford an attorney or someone to demand answers from the cops? because cops like to do the minimum amount of work. They don’t feel important dealing with DV cases. They only feel important when they are looking at a murder case. So it doesn’t inspire them when they see another hysterical woman asking for help.
Also, if you are good looking you need to dress up and look awesome so the cops will pay attention to you. Not kidding.
Would that be the “grey/gray rock” response I read about here?
Looking bored and sleepy, yes, that is the gray rock response.
Looking awesome to get attention from the cops, is not gray rock. Cops also respond to shiny things.
Have you read the gray rock article? It’s good advice but really I think you are past boring him away. He’s already attacked you and you outed him. In his mind, the game is afoot. He’s loving this.
Gray rock should still be implemented if you happen to run into him or he comes to your house and you can’t get away. But it can’t be your main strategy. Think of it as an adjunct strategy.
Your goal is to put physical distance between you because that’s the only way you’ll be safe.
I was a stay at home mom before this happened, and he controlled the finances, leaving us with nothing. I applied for what state assistance I could receive, which wasnt much. I am working a low paying job, which enables me to make ends meet, just barely. I have been told that I am attractive, and do my best to keep myself up, but it doesnt seem to be of much help at the moment. I seem to be stuck between wanting to run and hide, (if I am able to) or how to stay and fight (if I am forced to).
Who takes care of the kids while you work?
Do you have family in some other part of the country that you are close to? Parents?
My oldest daughter has been helping me with childcare, but will be moving out with her boyfriend soon. And sadly, my family has turned their backs to me during my involvement with this individual. I spent every penny I had to spare back in August to go to them for help, but was turned away from every door I knocked on. So I returned to the only place I had to go at the time, which was exactly where I started, and where I am now. He was heavily into drugs, and I was trying to get him to stop, but once my family found out about what he was doing, they disowned me. He thought I was trying to set him up with law enforcement, and that is why he threatened to kill me; to protect his drug use, and drug-dealing friends. And based on that, I could have others that think they have a score to settle with me…all based on his paranoia, and lies.
Changed,
I think you’re low on options. Before you go to a women’s shelter, try the cops again. Try to be calm cool, collected. Dress flatteringly but conservatively. Be a damsel in distress but with authority. I know it’s not easy.
Tell them that you are in danger and want the details of his parole. You have the case file right? Bring it. Ask them for help. There isn’t much they can do except to be aware that he is out there. Part of the reason that I said to contact them is because sometimes spaths will contact them first. Mine did. And cops will believe the first person to contact them. So just making them aware of who you are will help in case he decides to use cops as his minions like mine did.
The next thing you need to do is contact a women’s shelter and get resources from them. You’ll probably have to move in to a shelter for a while, just to stay safe.
Changed,
See if your state has a VINE program, I think every state does, it is the victims advocate information service…they tell you when an inmate is due for release etc. and what the conditions of parole/probation etc are.
Also Call a DV shelter and see if they have an attorney there you can talk to, or if they can send you to a shelter in another state.
My gut instinct is to tell you to RUN BAMBI RUN and get away from him. It is quite possible if you run and are gone he will not try to find you. There is another gal here on LF who took her baby and ran and is in a shelter in another state. She also first went to her family, who would not help her either, they were as bad as the father of her child. She is living in a shelter with her baby until she can get out into low income housing.
So if you are NOT going to be prosecuted by the law for kidnapping (and I would check that out legally) then I would run before he gets a visitation order and you have to turn those babies over to him and have contact with him the rest of your life. The “family courts” in general are not very wise in my opinion.
You are in a bad position, between a rock and a hard place, and the devil and the deep blue sea. You are in my prayers! God bless.
I see my life as grand after reading the above excerpts. God help you.