Have you ever watched a “psychopathic interaction” taking place and wished you were able to approach the non-psychopath and offer her (or him) all of the knowledge you already have on the subject? I have.
Even if you are in the initial phases of learning, the fact that you are here indicates that you have an idea of what is occurring. In the interaction I will highlight, the non-psychopath was, sadly, without a clue. At first, I could not believe what I was seeing. Although, retrospectively, I fail to see what made it unbelievable to me, since I had lived it. Nonetheless, the goings on made me uneasy. I knew just enough about the situation to suspect that psychopathy was at play in the relationship, but had never seen both parties interact prior to the incident. My relationship with one of the members of the duo was new and I did not know the other much either, so I did not want to pass judgment or assess a situation with which I was only vaguely familiar. However, I found things all too recognizable. I knew what I was seeing.
The interaction
I knew the non-psychopath in the exchange had no idea what was happening to her, as she reacted to each of his words in a manner that unknowingly escalated things. She was not wrong and her methods would have been successful with someone void of a large number of psychopathic features. The individual in this pair with the history of abuse, infidelity, questionable judgment, and a host of other psychopathic traits, played the non-psychopath like a fiddle. I also recall thinking how the topic seemed inappropriate for the location. Regardless, he persisted. The more irritated and upset she became, the calmer and more in control he was. He had all of the answers and delivered them smoothly. He arrogantly belittled her, but just loud enough for those around to hear, hoping that we would see her “crazy” or unfit. Perhaps others gave pause, but I knew better.
Finally, through tears and a face filled with immense pain, she scooped up her youngest children, now also in tears, and headed for her car. He called out to her as she walked away, asking if she was glad that she had managed to “scare” the little ones. He then shook his head and looked around, feigning embarrassment, but I recognized his satisfaction. A short time later, I overheard him speaking on the phone, in a gentle and loving tone, indicating to whomever was on the other end that the coast was now clear and that it was “safe” for them to meet later at a distant location.
Of course, I thought. He intentionally initiated the fight with his wife in order to find an excuse to leave. Had she not been “yelling” or “screaming,” at him, or “making” the kids cry, he would not have been forced to go. Had she been a better wife or mother, he would be heading home, rather than out. He knew he was setting his unsuspecting, caring, wife up for failure and he did so in such a way that ultimately, even she would blame herself for his departure.
The outcome
As time passed, I heard that the discord within the home escalated and that he is no longer in the picture much. I wanted to reach out to her, but found it hard, being mere acquaintances. I also suspected that she was not yet ready to receive what we either already know or are learning about. While I found that frustrating, I was there once, in the not too distant past, as were probably many of us. Acceptance is a process. However, I did leave information in trusted hands.
In a perfect world
Regardless, I empathize with her and wish she did not have to experience what lies ahead, as I am reasonably certain I know what her immediate future holds. I wish I could move time forward, to a place where her understanding reigns, eliminating the pain. I would like to tell her that her perfect, beautiful self is not flawed and have her believe it. I would like to spare her children the manipulation they will further encounter, whether for a time or for good. I would like to help her march “double time” to the place where she is able to forgive him for her sake, leaving behind the anger and fear that tend to accompany the attacks and aggression.
However, I cannot. In fact, I suppose this process really should not be rushed. I think that taking the time to feel and honor every feeling is important. But it would be nice if we could move it along for those we see suffering as we did. Now that I recognize these psychopathic interactions, I imagine I’ll always feel this way, upon witnessing such events. My hopes for her are eventual success along her journey and success for all of us along ours.
Excellent blog. It’s frighteningly amazing to know how many of these beings are out and about. Thank you for sharing this….and I agree with you, so often the “new to this ordeal” (no matter how long) may not be able to “see” our evaluations. We simply have not been taught how to recognize and then handle this presence in our lives.
Changed Forever:
1) Try to find out when the ex will be released.
2) Go to your local housing office (call and make an appointment — you will be treated better.) Ask them what areas of the country currently have little to no wait time for HUD housing vouchers (“Section 8”). As a general rule, counties with no major city within commuting distance that are located in areas without rapid population growth and that have a nearly all-white population are the areas with the shortest waiting list. These areas usually have decent to above-average public schools as well. For example, Southern California, NYC, Detroit would all have endless waits for housing assistance. But back in 2006, the wait for a housing voucher in many parts of northern Arkansas was about a month. A housing voucher lets you rent anywhere somebody will rent to you — it is not a “housing project” filled with the doomed, the screwed, and the dysfunctional. HUD even has programs where you can use the housing voucher to buy a house, or even build a brand new house.
3) Your family may very well be terrified of this guy. There have been numerous cases in which the psycho ex killed his ex-wife AND killed the kids, the ex MIL, the ex sister in law, etc. Basically, anybody who was in the same house with the ex wife was in the crosshairs. If your family is not willing or able to help you, it is good that you have found this out NOW. Under these circumstances, I would advise you to move to a small town (but NOT a remote rural area) at least a ten-hour drive away from anywhere the ex either lives or might be likely to move.
4) ELAINE means “Early legal advice is never expensive.” But be careful, any local attorney may tell you that there is no need for you to move out of the area, because if you move to a different jurisdiction, he doesn’t get the case. Try Legal Aid. It sounds as though you qualify. If you can’t get a Legal Aid appointment, dress up pretty, get a baby sitter, and go to the local courthouse from 9:30 to about 2:00. Go to the cafeteria and find an attorney or group of attorneys killing time, and ask them questions that you have formulated ahead of time.
5) My first impression, without knowing the full particulars of your situation, is that you have a narrow window of opportunity to flee your current jurisdiction with the children BEFORE the ex gets out of prison and files for custody. If you flee AFTER he files, it’s kidnapping, and YOU go to prison. If you have a crappy job and no family support network, you truly have nothing holding you there.
6) Do not stir the pot with the ex. Let him talk to the kids on the phone, give him your address, because he is going to find it anyway, and it looks bad for you in court if he is standing in front of the judge with tears running down his face and saying that you ran off with the kids and left no forwarding address and no phone number. When he asks why you moved to Hooterville, tell him that it was because the cost of living is lower there. File for whatever welfare benefits you are entitled to, but do NOT seek any sort of alimony or child support.
7) Once you get to Hooterville, join whichever church in town appeals to you. If you have no particular preference, why not join one of the churches containing part or all of the higher end of the local socioeconomic spectrum. Those people will have connections to the local police force, the local judges, etc., that might come in handy for you later.
8) To repeat: no matter how stressed out you are, start making a list of things to do and start getting it done. Your ex does not necessarily have to wait until he is out of prison to file for custody/visitation, and there are various fathers’ rights organizations that may give him free assistance.
Great advice divorced from a gaslighter…and *IF** it is legally okay RIGHT THIS MINUTE for her to flee and not be charged with kidnapping, I would encourage her to do so, if it meant getting on a bus wit the kids as far as the ticket would take her and then going to a salvation army shelter.
It can be extremely difficult for an ex con to find her if she keeps her head down and especially if the kids are not school age. If she applies for aid for dependent children though the state welfare office will hunt him down for support to repay it, so it means no state money for the kids.
California (northern) is a good place too and California is a good state to help women flee domestic violence, even up to changing names and SS#s.
Thank you ladies and gentlemen. Your advice and prayers for myself and my children are appreciated more than you know, and have not fallen on deaf ears, or blind eyes. I have already contactd the VINE program, and was told I have been registered for notification upon his release. I’ve tried reaching out to family once again, but none of my calls have been answered, or messages returned at this time. I did some researching online, and found out in my state, (Nebraska) that as long as there is no custody/visitation order in place, I am free to go anywhere in the country with my children legally. I’ve started to get the ball rolling, and will be giving extra pushes to keep it going. May I ask why you advise me to NOT seek child support? I found out today that his boss (and friend from childhood) gave him his old (well paying) job back, and he has been on work-release since two weeks before Christmas. Getting some support would definitely help, but I would gladly give it up if it kept him out of our lives…completely, and permanently. As many prayers, and positive/good thoughts are, and will always be welcome as we travel on this path to recovery. God bless each and every one of you!
Changedforever,
1. He will never willingly pay support, IF YOU GET ANY you will have to be in and out of court all the time.
2. If he does pay some support, hhe will petition for visitation and THAT IS THE LAST THING YOU WANT IN THE WORLD
3. Petitioning for suppoort which you will never get will keep hhim in your life, IN YOUR KIDS’ LIVES
Your GOAL should be NO CONTACT OF ANY KIND.
My advice is TAKE YOUR KIDS AND RUN AND HIDE, do not let ANYONE know where you are, that includes your family who ahve turned their backs on you, and that includes any friends.
Essentially you need to put you and your kids into the “witness protection program” and DISAPPEAR AS FAR AND AS FAST AS POSSIBLE.
Make it where he has to spend tons of money to find you, find you in another state IF HE CAN.
Try to not have any utilities in your name. Use your initials, or change your name legally. No face book or other social media.
Use a cell phone that is a prepaid minutes, no account of any kind that can be traced.
When I was in hiding I had my bank account iin my INITIALS, and when I bought a vehicle I licensed it in my initials J. D. Alexander rather than Joyce Alexander. I lived at a place the electric was in a friend’s name. But you may need to have it in your name “initials” Or use your middle name like J. Diane Alexander. If possible get your Drivers license in your initials, or find out if there is a “confidential” way you can have the address NOT where you live. Try to make it so that a private investigator can’t find you with a simple search on the net. You want to DISAPPEAR….and if he finds you, then USE THE THREAT OF CHILD SUPPORT and see if he will give up rights in exchange for no support. BUT ONLY if he can find you first. RUN BAMBI RUN!!!!
If you need the money, apply for TANF (welfare) or whatever they call it now. Yes, the gov’t will take the money out of his paycheck, but you can just say, “Geewillikers, Ex! I didn’t know Uncle Sugar was gonna garnish your wages!” Do NOT ask the state of Nebraska for ANYTHING. Go wherever you are going to go, and when you get there, then start applying for benefits.
Your ex will perceive a court case to force him to pay child support/alimony as a personal attack. Much more personal than having the government garnish his wages. Many men in your ex’s situation will quit their jobs and work off the books in order to avoid having their wages garnished, and to avoid child support obligations imposed by a court (which are generally based on a percentage of the non-custodial parent’s earnings. They will do this even if it reduces their own standard of living significantly. It’s a “game” and they want to win.
Child support is actually a complex formula that takes into account who is paying for daycare, the income of each parent, who is paying for health care, etc. But many men would rather work off the books and earn less money if it means that the ex-wife has to suffer, or if she has to come crawling to him every time she needs car repairs or new shoes for the children.
Even if he is making a fortune, I would suggest taking welfare payments to support the three of you until it makes sense for you to re-enter the workforce. Unless you have good skills, the cost of childcare for a two year old and a one year old, plus wardrobe and commuting costs may exceed your take-home pay.
I would also look into low-cost counseling for yourself to help you understand how you ended up with Mr. Jerk. Based on the ages of your children, I am assuming that you are fairly young — you’ll probably end up getting married again, and you want to make sure that next time around, you end up with someone normal.
When you move, be careful about telling everybody in town that your ex is a monster. All the monsters in the new town will want to date you, because they will know that you aren’t good at screening out devils, and because they will know that you can be manipulated into staying in a relationship for quite a while no matter how much you are abused.
In terms of moving, you might want to consider Texas, which would be far enough away to give you a degree of safety, and has a reasonably decent economy, so that in a few years you can find a decent job. Other areas to consider would be northern Arkansas, maybe the Knoxville, TN area, and other areas of Tennessee, Kentucky, and West Virginia.
If you Ex is out on work release, he may be saving money for his court fight, so I would hustle to get out of there. He is probably only allowed to leave the prison to go to and from work, which would make it difficult for him to consult with a family law attorney.
It’s also possible to go to the courthouse to see if he has already filed against you, but you haven’t been served yet. Some people file, and then hold off on having the papers served for a while.
Let the government go after him for support — you should avoid provoking him. I think that there used to be provisions in at least a few states that they wouldn’t go after the guy for support if there was a domestic violence situation that might be exacerbated. I’m not sure about this, though. Talk to the welfare people. Call on a Tues/Wed/Thurs.
You might also want to talk to the Domestic Violence shelter people, as well as to various churches. Some of the denominations run “shelters” where you have your own apartment and go to college, etc. They help with childcare, etc. Texas has at least one showplace of a program. Google “Buckner”. They are Baptist, but I doubt that you have to be Baptist to get in.
Dear Changedforever, oh as i read this thread after you began posting, my heart is so bleeding and breaking for you! Am familiar with your situation, as the “father” of my kids was a total deadbeat. That was 30+ years ago, and my options were very limited, to almost zero. The advice from the wonderful people here, is the best and honest answers you will get anywhere. I know it is so very difficult! To a certain degree, you have to turn hard, and harden yourself to anything that gets in your way, of your survival, and that of your babies! By turning hard, i mean dont take anything personal, and do what you have to do! Family? That can be a joke. Your children are your family! The advice given here is awsome! I wish and hope the best for you and your babies! Lord, please help and protect this Momma and her babies…..in Jesus’s Mighty Name. Amen………..
ChangedForever, I hope you’re doing ok. Your instincts are your best gift for yourself and your children to stay safe. If you’re unable for any reason to leave the area, moving into any safe shelter environment is probably the safest place for you. If you aren’t able to relocate to a shelter or another location, and don’t have the means to purchase a handgun, please purchase some pepper spray or mace and go to the police and ask them to help you with self-defense techniques to protect yourself and your children. Ask the police to do regular drive-bys so their presence is visible. Keep a bag packed for a quick get-away. Assuming you have a car, keep an emergency bag or suitcase in your car and get spare car keys. A guard dog can be a lifesaver as an alarm system to give you time to lock and load.
ChangedForever, there are a number of resources available to help you, but they don’t fall out of the sky – you have to go after these resources with tooth and nail. I know this from personal experience.
I would strongly urge you to apply for EVERY available program through Social Services, and this would include job training/education for yourself, food assistance, heating assistance, medical assistance for yourself and your children, etc. It’s a maddening dance that is intrusive and can cause someone to feel extreme shame – I sure felt this way because I was SO ashamed that I had been set up to enter into a legal contract of marriage by a predator who intended to rob me blind and leave me for dead. I was so ashamed that I actually bawled in the Welfare office in front of the case-worker.
Through strong encouragement and determination, I realized that this shame-core was following me into EVERY aspect of my survival and recovery, including asking for help! It is NO sin or crime to ask for help. Asking for assistance does NOT make us “bad people” or invalidate us as human beings.
One place to start this process would be contacting your local domestic violence hotline – anyone who has survived spath entanglements has been abused, on some level. The volunteers who man the phone lines have lists of resources (immediate and long-term) available, and it just takes courage to make that call. DO IT – for your children and for yourself.
http://www.ndvh.org
Brightest and most sincere blessings of support and encouragement to you
Dear ChangedForever, you’re in my prayers, wishing you strength and courage and a safe and peaceful future with your little ones. God bless.