Woman tells her story of marriage to radio personality Jeff Rense

Melinda Jane Kellogg holds a Ph.D. in physics. Jeff Rense has an alternative radio program. Kellogg listened to the program for more than two years, and then, on Rense’s birthday, sent him a “Happy Birthday” email. He responded, they corresponded, they visited, they married. It didn’t turn out as Kellogg expected, and she tells the whole story—complete with documentation—on her website.

Visit Melinda Jane Kellogg

Link supplied by two Lovefraud readers.

UPDATE: More of the story is available on 

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Thruthspeak and 20years,

What beautiful posts you wrote! 20 years I was reminded of the effect the book “women who love psychopaths” had on me just after I had finished the chapter about temperament profile of the victim (the personality part still had to come). I had a visual experience of it.

I was looking in the mirror and saw the spath put a gun in my hands and had me shoot at the mirror. I realized that the spath had used my natural temperamental advantages, exactly those traits that I valued the most about myself, and turned them into a weapon aimed back at me. The vision continued with the shattering glass of the mirror. The pain of the realization on how he had used me as a weapon against myself was truly shattering, like that shattered mirror. I started to cry and felt like totally falling apart and unraveling.

But this shattering and painful realization was met with the survivor part of myself. It told me: “You are still alive and breathing. Has this character assassination attempt truly killed your temperament?”

I thought in reply, “If I alter my being, my temperament out of protection because of this, yes.”

And then that calm survivor voice told me, “Can you change your temperament?”

Since I knew that temperament is exactly that part of the personality that is innate and you are born with and that it’s impossible to alter it and even incredibly unhealthy to try (that’s how I ended up having an ID crisis 14 years ago), I could only answer a convinced, “No, I can’t change my temperament. I shouldn’t even.”

And then the survivor voice pointed something out to of that assassination vision with the shattering mirror. “Look at that mirror. What was assassinated really?”

And the answer was, “A mirror and my reflection in it.”

The survivor then ordered me to go look in my bathroom mirror. “See, there’s plenty of mirrors and they all still reflect the same you.”

And that’s when I realized I was as whole as before the attempt. That in fact nobody could ever damage my chore self.

It was as you said, at one second I felt like, “Oh dear, what has happened to me. It’s so awful! So cruel! So wrong!” and the next second I felt, “It’s not that big of a deal actually.” Yes, it was cruel and wrong what he tried and did! But it would only damage me if I made it a succesful assassination in my mind.

Yes, my brain still needed to heal from the damage caused by the chronic stress (still needs some healing, slow process), still needed to pay off the loan, still needed to wrap my brain around the shock of what a spath is and how they abuse people, still needed to regain my footing in boundary world, still needed to forgive myself… But that moment I already knew he had ultimately lost: he could never destroy what he wanted to destroy! As long as I am alive and breathing and have no brain tumor or altzheimer, I still carry with me my survivor temperament that can enjoy life deeply and can rebuild.


I definitely thank my excellent boundary installment to others as well as myself because of the spath healing process. I thank my clear cut view on which responsibility is whose in daily situations because of it. I thank my ability to not demand perfection of myself anymore to it. I thank my ability to forgive myself when I fail at something to it. I don’t beat myself nor blame myself as much anymore for what others do wrong. I thank my current savings on the bank while paying off the last loan (to pay off the credit I had standing out) and so have cleaned up my financial act. Having had to pay of the debt that he majorly caused me altered my lifestyle of a grasshopper consumer to an ant who will buy the cheap non-brand food that doesn’t have preservations in it (which is healthier). My rattled stressed out brain has made me install certain routines for planning and executing in a way I never did before and not naturally am prone to do and also see the necessity in it in order to function properly. And it forced me to start studying again, a subject that tingles my inner self with excitement every time my brain does a ‘click, I understand that now.’ I thank my current peace of mind to it: I worry less, I stress less, I blame myself less, I take the responsibilities that are mine serious and without complaint, and I take stuff much less personal, my credit and my bank account hasn’t been as healthy before for years, my lifestyle is better.

The spath isn’t a gift at all… but I made sure the encounter became a gift to me of a better life than I had even before the encounter.

Thank you so much, Truthspeak. The funny thing is, I alway knew this “sparkle” as you call it was inside of me. I felt it as a child, before my disturbed stepfather came along. And I reexperienced it in grad school during my drug experimentation days. When I began meditating at 23, I developed a method for connecting with myself on a very deep level. And yet I still suffered so much for so long.

It amazes and saddens me to think of all the dark years spent in depression and despair, close to suicide so many times, and feeling like there were no resources. And yet I never really forgot who I was, and that must be what gave me hope and kept me going. This is why I tell people here that if they can just imagine what it is like to have peace, freedom, happiness, any glimmer of something that makes them smile, they can build on that. Negative emotions cannot thrive in a very positive environment. But they can be burned up and transmuted into positive qualities. They can teach us things. Toxic people can teach us things. For me, when I see them, and I see the fears and beliefs that fuel their toxic choices, it reinforces the healthy lifestyle I choose to live. That is how I let these people enrich my life. I don’t let them bring me down.

I don’t want to give anyone the wrong idea that I don’t acknowledge my fears and anger, etc. I’ve dealt with more of it than I could ever share with anyone here. But the upside is that when you actually go through these scary emotions, something really interesting happens, and it is actually described in the Buddhist teachings. When anger is transmuted (felt and released), it becomes wisdom. Greed transmuted becomes faith. I forget what fear becomes – I’ll bet One Joy knows – maybe hope or excitement. Living a life where you are transmuting your emotions will always lead to spiritual joy. Spiritual joy makes you more immune to illness and aging. For all of you who are going through a lot of rage, when you get through it, you will be very wise people. You already are. And you will have that spiritual joy. That is what I see in my friend J, a type of spiritual joy. I see it in his eyes and feel it in his presence. I think he recognizes it in me, too. That is why for once I don’t care that he’s not younger than me. He is young in spirit.

Having said this, I think that sometimes to shift our energy or move on, we need to stop and fight. This is a very personal decision, and should be based on whether it will eventually help us lighten our load of stress and anger. It’s better to do SOMETHING with anger than to let it fester. But it’s good to do the thing that will have the best outcome for us. I think where a lot of people get stuck – where *I* got stuck for years – is that they don’t realize that they have the power to let it go.


That dream you had sounds like a visual of a verbal pun: being and being pulled out of “hot water”.

What you said about the backspath you did is something I totally get. I exposed him calmly and factually, and actually a lot of people I didn’t even know at the other side of the world, but who knew him, thought he finally got what was coming to him. But at the same time I paid a price for it that it extended the longevity of my bond to him. By the time he tried to make drama in my life over it again, all I wanted was peace and no contact.

(next paragraph fits as an example to Sky’s post about them feeding on pain and stargazer’s post about wanting just peace at some point)

His extremely polite request of course was full of lies and traps: painting us as a couple who simply grew apart, had nothing to say to each other anymore, me hurting all the time and how he did me a favor, and perhaps it was because of the age difference, blablabla… I read the content and dismissed it for what it was: lies and traps to try and anger me and make me feel old and unsuitable… It was full of barbs to try and hurt me. But it didn’t hurt me at all, nor did it make me angry. And even if it had, by then I knew that the last thing I should do was take the bait, nor charge like a bull and debate and argument the case he was trying to paint, let alone show pain.

I replied, “That’s a far more propper mask. I deleted it. People cannot do a background check on your lies anymore.” I basically messaged him that all he spouts are lies and that whatever he tries it only confirms he’s a spath wearing some mask, the last one to me being exactly the one I had told him to wear. That’s how he knows that he can’t threaten me, can’t manipulate me, can’t upset me, can’t hurt me, can’t scare me and can’t deceive me anymore, and I ain’t pining about him. I can see right through him and do whatever I want to do. He can’t touch me, and I made and make sure he never will.

beautiful post. I love your visualization of the mirror and the gun.

As you said, the spath isn’t a gift, it’s just part of life. We are the ones who weave that straw into gold by the decisions we make. The spath had his own decisions and he made the wrong ones. It’s sad for them, I feel sorry for them, yet he does serve as a warning to others not to go down that road.

Another thing I’ve been thinking about, and that is the issue of consent and how powerful that is.

For example, for decades I have heard, “they can’t mistreat/abuse you WITHOUT YOUR PERMISSION,” and I always heard that to mean that it was somehow my fault, or that I was being blamed.

Indeed, I do think that is how many people view that. Like it is the responsibility of the person being abused, or we asked for it. Or we could somehow stop it if we wanted to, but obviously we didn’t want to (we must want to be abused), since that is what we are getting.

But now I’m starting to see a different aspect to it, and that is CONSENT.

I really do think that we give uninformed consent to allow the spaths into our lives (so there is no blame). But I think that is how it happens. And I think that if we do not give consent, then it CANNOT happen. I think there is great power in saying, “don’t even think about it” (even if you say it only with a look or an attitude). Or like the HAL computer in 2001 A Space Odyssey, “I’m sorry Dave… I can’t do that.”

This is how you can get back to your sparkling and twirling and shining your light, KNOWING there is evil, and knowing that they cannot attack you without your consent.

Um, I’m speaking kind of metaphysically. That is how I understand it, now. I also know that without taking it in that way, it comes across as blame. Not my intention, and not my take on it anymore.

It’s like saying, “Oh, I see, you are Evil. OK, you just sit down over there. Yeah…. way over there. Yeah. OK, bye.” And then go back to your sparkling.

It is in some ways the same kind of awareness or knowingness that you experience (Stargazer) when you look at someone and can see their essence so clearly. No longer are you fooled by the facade or the sheep’s clothing — and they know it.

You don’t consent. You are not a target. They will see the knowingness in you and go find someone more suitable to play with.

Thank you, Darwinsmom, for sharing your vision.

These waking visions are gifts, so powerful.

yes, you are exactly right, and there is a reason for that.
Evil enjoys taking us by surprise. If they know we see them for what they are and know what they are planning, they stop. Why? because it’s no fun anymore. They like to see the shock on our faces, when we get 180 degrees the opposite of what we expected.

That’s why they’re called the people of the lie.


You are right! 🙂

Yes, the most fundamental tactic in their game of “I win — and you lose!” is to obscure the very existence of Evil in the first place.

It is amazing to me how well this has succeeded. There are lots of people who don’t really believe in everyday Evil.

So…. in the game without even knowing that there is a game on.

Hmmm…. how many spaths do you think recognize other spaths as kindred spirits and leave them alone? How conscious do you think they are of it/what they are? (question for another day maybe)

20 years,

I used to view the ‘consent’ as the same thing. Now it means to me believing that what somebody else does to you defines you… that what they say or do becomes a reality about yourself.

Somewhere last November or early December this twat of a guy tried to hit on my friend and tried to do it by putting me down: I had the face of a nice girl who wouldn’t harm anyone and a do-gooder, someone who’d never be naughty; whereas my friend supposedly seemed more dangerous and naughtier to him.

Yes, the guy tried to insult me and wave me off. But here’s the thing: nothing what he accused me off was an insult unless I would make it an insult. What is wrong with being a good person who is not out to harm other people? NOTHING! His ‘insults’ were actually compliments and it just betrayed his mind. Not to mention that my friend said, “You’re dead wrong. She’s the courageous one, tramping about in the world all by herself with a backpack and daring to take chances in life. She’s the adventurous one.”

In the past I would have taken his words as an insult because I knew that was how he saw it as something to disapprove of me. And I would have broken my head what I did to invite such a censure of a stranger who never saw or talked to me before.

Now I realize that he is the one with an issue, not me. And it’s not because he projects his issue upon me and twists it as if who I am in his eyes is wrong, that I have to make it my issue. If I would have accepted his twisted view, would have taken it as an insult, then I would have made it my issue and give my consent for him to abuse me.

I asked him, “Who are you here with tonight?” And he pointed out two younger student guys for his company. I smiled and said, “I guess I will introduce myself to them. They seem like better company.” At that instant I made clear that he had no consent to make me judge badly on myself and I had just judged him very badly.

20years, to put it in your words, it’s like saying, “Oh, I see, you are Evil. Ok, you just stay right here, I’ll go sit way over there with your friends. I can see from here already that I’ll like them much better than you, and they will enjoy my company too.” And oh yes, I sparkled! Those students and I had a good laugh for the next hour.

Exactly, Sky!

We get straw and we weave it into gold, without the help of Rumpelstitskin! As for Rumpelstitskin, he is like a spath trying to make us think less of ourselves for not being straw-gold magicians… but instead we just surprise them by calling them out and rip the mask off. And then they huff and puff and stamp their feet and “poef!” they go up in smoke.

I don’t really think of the spath in terms of whether he helped make me stronger or whether it was my own resolve that made me stronger. I think of the months with him as an “experience”. The entire experience ended up making me a better and stronger person. So therefore, I have him to thank, but in the way that I thank all of the difficult people who have passed through my life for teaching me important life lessons and coping strategies. When you consider our lives are made up of moment-to-moment experiences, it is really our experience of someone who helps us to grow. On the other hand, the most kind and loving person could come into our life, but if we don’t experience them as such – maybe we are mistrustful – then we will have the opposite experience.

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