REGISTER | LOGIN
By | December 3, 2007 43 Comments

Writing out the sociopathic experience heals my life today

I don’t spend a lot of time writing about ”˜what happened’ while I was with the sociopath. What happened cannot be changed. What can change is how I treat myself today. What I do today to create the beautiful life I deserve. In that process, I write about the triggers from the past that sometimes erupt and their impact on my life today. I find too much ruminating over what happened in the there and then affects my here and now. It holds me back from living each moment of my day with joyful abandon.

Recently, however, a producer approached me about taking my book, The Dandelion Spirit, and turning it into a movie.

Wow. Cool. Weird.

Love it, even though part of me is scared it’s just a joke. It isn’t true — vestiges of the sociopathic encounter that would have me believe the world is not a safe and loving place.

In acknowledging I deserve my success, I have to participate in the process of making my dreams come true. The producer has asked for more details about some of the things that happened. He’s asked me to write them out. Not that the story needs more drama — I mean really, what could be more dramatic than an encounter with a sociopath? Every moment is filled with the angst and drama of the shifting sands of reality stirring up terror and fear in every gasping breath. Every day is replete with the drama he created to keep the veil of confusion sealed around me. The drama was part of what I became addicted to. It was part of what kept me ensnared in his unholy embrace, gasping for air as I drowned beneath the trauma of loving him.

It isn’t that the story needs more drama, but it does need specific moments that reveal the subtle manipulative mechanisms he employed to keep his Prince Charming mask in place.

And so, I’ve begun the process of writing out some of the events that I did not write about in The Dandelion Spirit. These are the events that were so painful, so numbing, so humbling that I have avoided looking at them — until now.

It’s been an interesting, not to mention surprising, process. Surprising because, some events still remain sensitive to light. Touching them hurts. And yet, in the process of writing them out, I let them out, I let them go. I cast light upon the shadows and release them to the past. In writing them out, the pain eases and I breathe more deeply the fresh clear air of gratitude and appreciation in which I live my life today.

The momentary pain of re-living the event eases as I face the sadness of having once been ”˜that woman’ back then who was so abused. Writing them out is good for me.

As I write, it is imperative that I remind myself — that was then, this is now. I cannot heal what I do not acknowledge. I cannot change what happened, nor the past. I can change its hold on me today.

I was hurt in that relationship. Deeply wounded. I fell hard. I fell fast. I fell.

Today, I am not that same woman who pleaded endlessly with ”˜her man’ to please forgive her for”¦.. Fill in the blanks. I asked him to forgive me for breathing in the end, for taking up room, for being part of his life. I spent most of my time begging for his forgiveness, all the while never acknowledging, forgiving him was not necessary — stopping his abuse in my life was.

In healing, I have let go of forgiving him — he doesn’t matter in my life today and forgiving him is for me, not him. In healing, I focus my attention on me and forgive myself. I forgive myself for holding myself in that place where he had permission and the latitude to abuse me. For lying to myself, for continually lying to the world as I tried desperately to pretend I was okay, that everything in my world was alright — that was a lie. I knew it then. I acknowledge it today and forgive myself with a loving heart.

In writing out the events I’ve never been able to speak of, I give myself permission to heal those areas of my heart that remain pocked with the pits of that time when I gave up on me and gave into a man who I believed had the right to abuse my love, faith, hope and trust.

It’s hard work writing out some of these events — but it’s good work. Healing. Soothing. It makes me joyful. For, in the writing out, I let it out and when I let it out it no longer hides uneasily in darkness within me.

In writing it out, I give myself permission to step into the beautiful light of my life today, freely, lovingly, completely. In writing it out, I acknowledge, what he did back then is nothing compared to what I am capable of doing today when I stand without fear and look into the mirror of my eyes and say, I love myself exactly the way I am. I am free.

Posted in: M.L. Gallagher

43
Comment on this article

Please Login to comment
  Subscribe  
Notify of
apt/mgr

I totally agree with putting to paper the thoughts and feelings that want to continually rob me of my joy. I didn’t write for all the years of my marriage and should have, so when I met a man, who wanted us to be friends, and he started doing weird things, I started to write. I found it got it out of my head and heart. If no one believed me, I did. I had the proof that he really is a cruel man.

It all started for me 12 years ago as a friendship. He did, what I call emotional rape, but he saw it as a golden opportunity to continue to rape my mind and emotions. Because I couldn’t have sex with him and wouldn’t consent to an affair, and he knew I was attracted to him, he used it all against me. I was so broken from the abuse of my husband and his family, this man was like a breath of fresh air. I thought he just wasn’t real. And he wasn’t. But I didn’t know that people have hidden agendas. I was so naive and blinded by my own despair, that I thought what he was doing to me, was a result of something I did to him. I couldn’t for the life of me think what, so I became more obsessive compulsive trying to analyze every aspect of thought and doing, to make sure I didn’t offend this man. Nothing I ever did was right as far as my husband went, so I wanted to do it differently. It got so I basically apologized when this man just walked into the room.

He knew what he was doing and I didn’t. Even though there were some who said get away from him, no one would tell me why. I couldn’t imagine why someone who looked as good as he did, could have hidden ulterior motives. What a learning experience. He ran in and out of my life for 12 years, but only as a “friend”. I think he built up a complete arsenal on a happening and it all had to do with his sex drive. Because I couldn’t have sex, he punished me with the push/pull of so many of these men. Messed my head up so badly, I started wondering what I was. That’s when I started journaling.

As I look back and reread some of it, I am appalled at how he treated me, but more so because I took it. I was so emotionally weak and he knew that. I took his crap because I was so afraid I’d lose his friendship. I realize now that I never had it to begin with. He has so many problems but he figured he could help me with my life. My eyes are opened so wide now, that I will never be that needy again. I’ve learned if a man wants to hug me the first time he sees me, I politely tell him to take a hike. If they mention sex and money within the first couple of sentences, likewise. I’ve found all we have to do is listen to their talk. I didn’t know about red flags before. My life would have been done so differently had I known. I thought if you had man/woman, you had the right formula for the beginning of family.

But he didn’t kill me, like so many women I’m reading about. They get involved with a man who turns into an incredibly angry man, and she really pays. Anger has a root and if someone takes out their aggression on us, when we didn’t cause it, means that someone else is in their heart and we are the convenient stand in. I’ve learned now to run at the first signs of anger. Unless I helped to provoke the argument, I will not buy into the anger.

I’ve learned to keep my guard in place. I don’t think it’s wise to fully trust anyone because with total trust comes ingratitude. To me, when we trust to that extent, we make it easy for them to do to us what they do. They no longer have to work for our approval. They have it and know they can keep working their insanity on us and we’ll keep taking it. For me, I’m done and as I reflect, I almost cry all over again for that naive, vulnerable, innocent woman I was. I had my love folded, stapled, mutilated and thrown back in my face over and over again, under the guise of marriage and friendship.

I really believe something manic happens to some of them once sex enters the picture. The biggest change came about in my own life when sex was and wasn’t. If that’s their only motivation in life, they will do whatever they can to punish us if we don’t meet their expectations. What lessons to learn. With so many people fighting for their very existence and little children being exploited and left to their own devices, these men prey on innocent women to provide them their jollies, then just dump them when they get bored. I wish impotence on all of them!!

I would advise anyone to journal and keep track of what is happening. It was one of the greatest panaceas for me and just finding someone who would listen to the mania in my life.

Beverly

For me, there are various dimensions to this. I remember having a brief relationship with a man I now realise was a sociopath 25 years ago, which left me drained and miserable and thinking – what was that about. Not realising that this was a prelude to what I have encountered more fully this year.

On an energetic level, it is shocking to see how the bad energy pretends to be that of good initially and then it displays its true colours, quite clumsily as I now remember. When I relate to my goodness my expansiveness, I feel my good energy is infinite, bad energy is finite and limiting – the difference between being fully alive and joyful and the opposite a kind of living slow death. We are all an interplay of good and negative energies, and I am more aware of when my good energy is being dragged down. I am much more sensing than thinking now – I am relating to my higher energies more. I always trust my catharsis, sometimes I dont know what route I will take, it may be long winded. Some people say to me I am punishing myself, some say he still has control of my thinking. I trust that my way of healing is unique to me and this is probably the reason why despite, some devastating experiences in the past, I survive it all to stand upright, courageous and alot wiser and alot more together. When I am feeling pulled towards negative, I can think of the manipulations and the events. If I make a mistake in my catharsis, I learn from that too. When I am feeling to the good, I realise that off the back of these experiences I have learnt shed loads about myself, how I relate in relationships, I have explored the subject of anger, got much more in touch and honoring my feelings more, realised the relationships that have played out over the years in my family dynamics, how that affected me then and I sense when my strings are being pulled. How the synchronicity of events coincided with having to collect my father’s belongings when his widow died last year – how this opened the wound and how that linked to my ex – they were similar, which was why I probably felt a sense of comfort in his presence. I have understood alot of the context of it and it has given me a release in myself and a deeper strength. I have explored emotional clearing, my inner child and my connection with God and my spiritual life. I could never have done all that without having lived the drama.

Beverly

Having said all that, there are times when I feel really sad for him, for the darkness in his life.

southernman429

ML…
I too have written much about my experience with my sociopath…..in journals… but found it exhausting to re-examine it all… in my mind, I have analyzed the relationship over and over, backwards and forwards, and even sideways in my head till it hurt to even think of it.. but yet… it’s always there….and it still to this day does not make sense… but then again.. how can you make sense of someone else’s craziness?? I agree that getting it out… all of it helps one heal.. and I’m all for that.. but I feel that it also brings back the pain.. not only the pain that they imposed upon us, but the pain that we feel about ourselves… the flaws that we must have had in our being, in our thinking… to allow such treatment to be unchecked… I am always astonished when I think back upon that relationship and how I let someone manipulate and pull me down…. That isn’t the person I know as me.. before her, and after her.. but yet.. I allowed this…. it brings to me much shame… but as you wrote.. that was then.. this is now….. As we all know here.. no one can actually understand the how’s and the why’s of letting someone use control in such a negative way against us.. only we understand the full extent of the fear and the pain… so I wonder if people would really understand how a normal man or a woman could let a predator do such damage to us…I would think that people who have never been in such a toxic relationship would wonder what is wrong with US…. I have often said and felt that I was a accomplice to this betrayal of my heart.. for I let her easily play her toxic game on me… boundaries were non-existent…. it was as if I was under some kind of dark magic spell……. again.. this had never been me in the past.. when someone treated me bad… I dropped them like a bad habit… but with her….. it was like I gave her the keys to my house, loaded the gun, and gave that to her and told her to shoot me in the head and take all of my possessions…. and she did…… so I wonder.. would the general public watch such a story and walk away thinking he or she had it coming.. why didn’t they see?……why should I sympathies with someone who basically gave someone total reign over their life /emotions and then cry foul later………now….. with all of that said…. like you.. like all of us here… I DO UNDERSTAND the how’s and the why’s…… it is like those people who get caught up in a cult…. you read about them and wonder what the heck they were thinking…… you don’t feel too much compassion for them because you think or feel that they must have been weak to begin with, or weren’t quite all there and someone took advantage of that….it isn’t until you walk a mile in a man’s shoes that you understand how it could be.. and how it could have easily happened to you or me…In the end….. we are all victims of a crime of passion….. all we ever wanted from them was to be loved and to give our love. I hope that your writing helps heal those dark parts that you haven’t shared with us… and my hearts desire would be that your writing becomes something that not only touches, informs those who have been through this.. but gives everyone a glimpse of the distorted, toxic life of those who hunt others for fun and pleasure.

A movie? Yes!! Brilliant idea. These days people are too lazy to read a book so they wait for the movie.

ML, your input is great. I’m sure I speak for everyone who has been a part of these blogs as well as every other person who has fallen victim to a sociopath when I say “we all stand by you and cheer you on with this phase of bringing the depths of this human dispair to light.”

I relate to what southernman says and my hope is that the producers of the movie have the ability to communicate the real emotions through the screen without making it look either like a science fiction movie or just another movie about a pathetic bunch of weak people because it is so very true … NO ONE can understand the depths of this traumatic emotional rape until they have experienced it first-hand. Just as no woman can ever understand the mental trauma of physical rape until they have been there. I personally have not been physically raped and while I empathise and weep for every woman or child who has suffered this unthinkable brutality of mankind, I too cannot understand the depths of physical rape. (We need scratch & sniff movie screens!!) I saw Monster with Charlize Theron a little while ago and I think the producers as well as Ms Theron portrayed an outstanding account of rape and abuse. Extreme as it was, it certainly opened a lot of eyes, particularly since the movie was based on a real-life story.

God speed to you ML, as you, the other experts in this field and all the victims bring this devistating reality into the open.

Beverly

Well put Southernman. Because alot of their behaviour is bizarre and covert and eventually you have to get them out of your life – you dont get proper closure. You cant make sense of their bizarre unreality and in trying to piece all the events together, and trying to pick up the pieces of your life and struggle with it all – it leaves you tormented mentally and emotional and physically drained and battered. How have others coped with this? Does meditation help?

The best ‘closure’ would be to see their names in the obituary column!! The knowledge that they still breathe the same oxygen we do is enough to infuriate even the most placid person!!

I think everyone deals with the process in a similar but different way. The goal is the same for all of us and the path might vary … whatever works for YOU is the way to go. Time heals but the scars never leave us. Maybe we should appreciate those scars for what they are and use them as a shield of protection. Meditation focusses on our “self” and thats what we need to get back to … our inner self and rebuild. We’ve been unwillingly put through a shredder and we’re all carefully putting the pieces back together … somewhat cynical now, but certainly more aware.

I also think that this site has proven time and again that each of us is not alone, and that in itself is a comfort and a healing tool.

apt/mgr

I understand what everyone is saying. The sad part is trying to get the ones who do this to us, to get it. It is so frustrating in trying to be heard. For me, I finally reached a point where I said I quit. It just suddenly happened. I frankly don’t care enough anymore to try and win a place in their life. I’m through being a pit stop. If there isn’t anything there for me, oh well. I have learned to refocus and formulate my own plans for my life. I have learned to keep my own secrets, and to be careful who I reveal anything to. Now that my children have their own lives, I’m no longer responsible for them. I’m not responsible for a grown up who doesn’t know what he wants and doesn’t want to talk about it. I have quit buying into any guilt they have tried to lay on me.

My husband had gone so far as to say, “what kind of Christian are you?”. I say what kind is he and all the rest. My definition of Christian is Christ-like and those who can read but don’t do, have the problem. If I don’t cause the problem, I will not own it. I have gained strength and refuse to be devalued anymore by anyone. It took me many years to finally get to this point. It wasn’t an easy road I walked. It amazes my how the heart can take such a beating and still survives. But it still has to be the will to have something better and to convince ourselves that we do deserve something more.

I think too many times, we allow the significant other to determine our wealth and we tend to see ourselves as they see us, only to finally find out they have a very distorted view of life, because they are full of their selves and really have no room for another. I know for me, I tried just about anything one could think of, to get into my husband’s heart, only to find out after 31 years of being married, that the reason he treated me like he did was because I financially ruined him and turned the kids against him. That was an excuse and not a reason. But I don’t care anymore. I’m through trying to please others who have so much wrong that nothing makes them happy and that’s what they get from me. Nothing.

I’m not a bitter person. I’ve just finally faced reality and said I quit. I still have lots of compassion, but will reserve that for those who need it and not those who command it. I think we need to look deep within ourselves and determine what it is we want and not rely on people to provide that. Sometimes I think we allow our emotions to dictate and emotions come and go. We need to understand how our bodies work and to not get ourselves into a situation where we lose our identity. We need very strong boundaries and only allow those in who have our best interests at heart. We really can make it through life without someone. It’s not the best way to live, but considering the alternative, it’s best to be alone than to be with someone who only wants to use us and abuse us. It’s up to us to decide and we need to be informed.

I wish there had been a check list years ago but I truly thought people were people. I had no idea there were so many different kinds. They’ve always been there, but it’s only lately, when everything is being exposed, that we are seeing the bizarre behavior. I know for me, I wanted truth in my life. I wanted to be treated in private like I was in public. That’s when I realized something was radically wrong with my marriage. And that’s why I was so vulnerable when I met a “nice” man who wanted us to be friends. I realize now that we really don’t have to go out looking for friends. Some of my best friends are the ones I met by chance. But it still has to be about me. Not in a selfish way, but in a way that says I’m okay. If I’m not happy being with me, how can I be happy with someone else? And that’s the reverse too. How can I be happy with someone who is constantly looking for something to satisfy. I think we have within us the desire to fix it and make it right. We can’t fix other people. They have to choose to want something better.

But those with distorted thinking, want us to do it their way. I like compromise but that is a word that isn’t used much anymore. So, I have finally determined this is my life. I tried it other’s way and it didn’t work, and I’m not trying anymore. I refuse to be treated like an outcast, but still be used for my services. That depletes my stores and if I don’t get anything back, I’m the one becoming empty. No more. I wish there would be a way to get the truth out so more people could see there is a way out of their situation, before they invest too much time. The sad part is these kinds of people put up such a good front, that you have no idea what they are all about until, maybe many years into it. That’s where we all have to be strong within ourselves and not allow someone to belittle and devalue us. The very first time they do it, will only become a way of living. If I had to blame someone I will take the most, because I took it, because I wasn’t strong enough to do something about it. And if we can’t change the situation to include us, then it’s best to move on. If we’ve exhausted all attempts at compromise and they still won’t budge, then, I say, so long.

Being independent is the key too. I’ve found when people have to rely on another, that person takes ownership. I want to belong to someone, but I don’t want them to own me. I think we have to determine the one we want. But we still have to like being with ourselves and not expect someone to make us happy. They will never reach our expectations, because we can’t meet theirs. And I’ve finally learned that it’s about me and how I can make me happy. If someone wants to be happy with me, good. But I’m no longer in the business of trying to keep someone contented. It’s way too exhausting. A high maintenance person will drain us to the point that life loses it’s appeal. I no longer meet demands and I’m so much better for it.

Beverly

I am a little different to some in the stories in that my ex was not monied – infact he had nothing to offer me other than his presence. When I met him that fateful day, and we spoke, I was very reserved about him, he looked agressive, he seemed intelligent and as we met again he pushed his honourable qualities, even commenting how he hated infidelity. I thought, at last I may have found someone who although he isnt well off, has good ground floor qualities. But he let his mask slip quite early on, saying to me as he was going that he had ‘demons in a box’. He always dropped bizarre hints as he was leaving. At the time my life was going on quite well, I was quite happy and well off, but did miss the company of a man. There are so many descriptions in other people’s writings that match his bizarre behaviour. I dumped him 3 months ago and he as another girlfriend, but he is keeping a low profile. How many more victims do these people have to claim. I see that there is a web in US for named psychos, but not one in the UK. This Cornish man has moved around all over the place, but has only told me of a few places and jobs he had. I know he lived and worked in the Midlands and he too shredded all his bank statements and wage slips in my shredder – but – when he was gone, I stuck all the pieces together. For a man working long hours he had £1 in the bank. Goodness knows what damage he has caused to other women and continues to cause with his new prey. Presumably he is keeping a low profile, cos he doesnt want me to spot her, because he knows that I know his game. I have spoken to so many other women who have suffered from their ex partners and some years ago I actually caught one out for a friend of mine. She was a nurse, a nice woman who met a builder. She became suspicious about his behaviour. When she found he had been summoned to appear in court many miles from their home, he explained it was for a driving offence. He didnt know me, so I went to the court and sat alone in the public gallery. He was infact being convicted of perverted offences towards children and the lies he told in the court room about his wife (my friend) and his home life were unbeleveable. I still see my friend and she never dated another man after that and neither has her daughter.

southernman429

You will never get closure or accountability from these people… They are emotionally retarded…. as hard as it is.. you just have to let it go….. I am thankful in many ways that I went through all of this with her…. it changed me in positive ways… self growth is painful, and many avoid it because it’s really hard to examine one’s self…. but it’s the best gift you can give to yourself…..I found it much easier to forgive her, then to forgive myself….I now have boundries… and I am able to detect the red flags in someone elses behaviour….. and most importantly, I am now able to tell the truth about my feelings instead of holding it in while someone tries to step on me…. I’m not afraid to hurt someone else’s feelings to keep my own from being hurt….I also have such a clear mental picture now of what a healthy relationship consists of…. in having this knowledge, I can make better, more healthy choices….so… now we all know what to look for, and how to avoid unhealthy relationships… yep.. had to learn it the hard way…. but thankful I got it… so now I look forward to the rest of my life, and to share with someone special who see’s my worth, my beauty, and loves me like I love myself. When you think of it all like that, it makes you look forward to putting your new wisdom into practice….. If you are a believer in Christ, then you know that everything happens for a reason…. She came into my life and at first gave great joy, but it soon became obvious that there was something wrong with her, and yes…. with me…. not that I was evil or heartless.. but I was willing to put what is true and right for me, to overlook my needs for someone else who never really gave a crap about me and my son…… All of this was a lesson I had to learn… yes.. it nearly destroyed me.. and it was extremely painful… but I came out of it with so much more then she would have ever been able to steal from me… We are the only one’s responsible for guarding our own heart. There is a scripture in Proverbs…..

The prudent see danger and take refuge, but the simple keep going and suffer for it.

Prov 27:12

None of us will be simple again…. we will all be prudent, see the danger, guard our heart, and move on……

Beverly

Nicely spoken Southernman. I too am a beautiful person and I kept saying to him that he was acting as though he was the ‘prize’, when I am the prize – that I held onto – with a loose grip at times – but more firmly now. A web site I have found really useful is Melanie Tonia Evans, she has written books ‘ Take Back Your Power’ and ‘Breaking the Chains of Painful Love’. I too am spiritual and I have a written passage saying to love a man even in his sin, so I thought I was in a good place to share my goodness with him, that in loving someone who was of a lower denominator than myself, I could share some of my beauty and wisdom – but he didnt want it and he frequently told me so and he took no value in it. I thank God I had the courage to end it and I realise that I have to love myself first and foremost.

Beverly

I dont know if I am going over the top – but would anyone agree that this dark malicious energy is a form of possession?

apt/mgr

I would totally agree, Beverly. To me, they want to totally possess. That way they are in charge. The friend in my life wanted to dictate everything to me. I was the one who lent him the money, because I truly thought he meant what he said and I trusted him. When I was trying to get my money back, I had gotten a fish aquarium with Christmas money. He went so far as to comment on my spending money on it. I said, it’s my money. He wanted to determine my boundaries, but if I tried the same thing with him, he would get livid. All this push/pull became a constant game he played. It just caused me to question everything I did.

What a dark side, to plot and plan the demise of another person. Not physically, but emotionally. I have wondered what their ultimate goal is. What do they hope to gain? My catch phrase for me anymore, is, “what does it prove?” I ask myself that all the time. I figure too, if it won’t stand the test of time and eternity, it’s not worth it to me. I want what I do to count in God’s estimation of me. I don’t need the approval of a man.

I think we all come to the same conclusion. We were had, but we came through. Anyone who totally believes God’s words as truth, could almost hear Him say, I told you so. He warns us about those who flatter us. He tells us to not put confidence in the flesh. To guard our hearts. I guess I knew those words, but I had no idea that someone who told me they loved me would exploit my love. I didn’t think I had to guard my heart against someone I loved. I didn’t think the man I married only wanted to satisfy his lust at my expense but didn’t want me otherwise. But we live and learn. My heart goes out to the precious little ones in our world who don’t stand a chance with these kinds of people.

The news is full of the children who have their bodies used my some fiend who doesn’t care what he is doing to their minds, let alone their bodies. We truly live in a depraved state. I feel so much safer alone anymore. These men sure do a number on the part of us that use to know how to trust.

I’m sure we all have a story to tell and we could probably tell each others. As I’ve said, when we come to the end, we all feel the same way. No matter what form it took, the end result is the same. Depletion of so many emotions and the emptiness of feeling for that person. Truly a dark side, as far as they are concerned. And learning how to forgive, which doesn’t mean we have to go for more. It’s the part of letting go and healing our hearts and minds.

southernman429

I think the question of demonic possession has crossed all of our minds……. we live in a fallen world.. it’s divided into light and dark….Light is Love, God is love… and for most of us, from conception, we have God’s love in our soul…He made us in the image of Him…..to serve Him, to serve one another….. Love is the at the core of all of this….. But… there are those who live in the darkness… They run and hide from the light, for the light is truth…..Satan is also very powerful, but not as powerful as God…. When someone gets pleasure and enjoyment from hurting others…… when they will not, or cannot love others as they love themselves… when selfishness, greed, manipulation, and unaccountability for their actions are paramount traits in their lives….. I would say that they are evil….. The question then becomes….. If they are evil, then does Satan own them? …If there is a chemical imbalance, a childhood trauma, a result of sociopathic parenting??? does this mean they are a inherently a evil person? My experience with a evil woman, in turn, made me run into the loving, protective arms of Christ… so, if that was Satan’s plan.. to hurt and destroy me, it backfired in a big way….. I don’t think we will ever know if a sociopath is possessed by demonic forces…. I believe they live in their own hell everyday… but since they don’t have a conscience, they can appear to be upbeat, positive people from the outside….. and as for accountability and justice….. I do know that they may not receive that here on earth, but there will be a day that they will stand before God.. and the book of life will be opened and they will have to give an account, like all of us will, on the life they led here on earth….. I for one, wouldn’t want to be in their shoes when that day comes for them….. I gave my sociopath to God…. He can deal with her so much better then I ever could. I have a conscience and it’s clean.

southernman429

I must also say… that God controls everything.. Evil is not from God….but.. He allows evil to exist in this world…. We cannot understand His ways….. nor should we even attempt to… but there is one of two choices one can make… to live in light and love.. or to live in darkness and hate.

Beverly

I think there is a correlation between the action of bodily chemicals and energy and the two are closely linked. That is how God designed us, as self functioning systems in a physical format, housing a spirit. On Melanie T. Evans website there is an article I think about having to be acquainted with the dark to truly be in the light. All my life I have struggled to make choices, many of them have backfired and I have chosen unwisely it turns out. I have learnt in future that God is the only one who can direct me. There is so much in these teachings, that I heard from childhood onwards – that now makes perfect sense to me. The negative energy perpetuates itself through its actions and the way it does that is through cunning deceit and covert behaviour, with a reward for the instigator – whether that is manifest in chemical pleasure feedback through the brain I dont know. During the ten or so breakups my ex and I had during the year and a half we went out, when he came back, I had always learnt something about myself during that breakup time. I used to say to him ‘ you are my greatest teacher’ and he used to look at me blankly. What I meant was that I had used the experience to keep growing. meanwhile he had gone absolutely nowhere, other than to think out how he was going to refine his approach with his next victim. He has tried older women, he is now going for younger ones.

Interesting comments about light, love, energy, God and biblical teachings we’ve been hearing since childhood that now make so much sense. My sociopath lives her life as a spiritual healer and a light-filled being, signs all her correspondence: “yours in light, love and laughter”, (none of which she is actually capable of) has even changed her last name (illegally) to Light and masquarades as a deeply spiritual person … but behind the facade, my oh my. A wolf in sheeps clothing for sure!! Talk about confusion setting in when all that is so carefully portrayed online and in her lifestyle is SUCH a lie.

You should see the facebook profile and the multitude of superficial friends that she’s got fooled. Recently, her own sister ‘dissed’ her when answering one of those “sickly sweet” questions right on the front page of her profile … needless to say, it wasn’t long before that section of the profile was deleted and the “family circle” was removed. Laughable yes, but sad that this medium is a haven for these freaks of nature.

apt/mgr

I, too, believe that God is the purveyor of good. I want to walk in light and truth. Even though someone says they are Christian, we are to look at the fruit in their life. There are two fruits to determine our status with God. The fruit of the spirit vs the fruit of the flesh. It’s up to us to work out our own salvation according to the leading of the Spirit.

I wondered about the ones in my life that caused me the most distress if they were my test or reward. Truly a test, because they just forced me to seek shelter with God. Not many understand the significance of truly seeking Him. That’s all about leaning on His understanding and not our own.

I don’t know many men who take God’s precepts and apply them. The ones I know like to point out other’s but their own. I think we get our identity from God, but so often we allow someone to determine who we are by the way they treat us. I know I did. I thought because of the treatment of my husband and his family, I must be an awful person. It took many years of soul searching to find out they are the ones with the problem.

I guess I was able to take the lemons and make lemonade, as the saying goes. It’s all still a matter of choice. I choose to be positive. On that note, this man who proclaims he’s my friend, says that I’m negative where he’s concerned. I can’t make him see that’s because he does everything negative for me. What person is going to respond in a positive way to someone who stands them up, denies what they said or did, plus all the other garbage these kinds of people spread around. The real person is an angry one who has a very caustic way of speaking. Who wants to be with someone like that on a permanent basis? They can’t see that, because they think they are wonderful and are deserving of preferential treatment. We just can’t love them like they love their selves. They are out trying to prove something. I don’t have anything to prove. I just want to live and be free. And I am.

southernman429

buzzibee… my socio volunteered at a womens shelter.. was a big sister to a 12 year old.. loved animals.. and would give money to someone on the side of the road if they looked downtroddened……….. I often wondered how someone could be compassionate towards others, but yet so mean and malacious towards me….. I think on some level.. they can do those kinds of things.. be nice, giving and so forth.. but there is no substance or depth behind it… they do it for themselves, and the more people who see their “good deeds” the better… Maybe in some in-personal way, it helps them to feel like normal people… to pretend to care, to go through the motions of volunteering… after all… they are doing what they do best… being fake and pretending.

apt/mgr

I’ve watched the ones in my life give to so many way before me. I had to have knee surgery last year and my socio friend stopped in to see me the day before. He told me he would call after the surgery and to make a list of anything I might need and he would do my running for me. When he stopped, I didn’t need much but some gauze and tape because my incision started to bleed. I asked him if he would go to the store like he said. He said he couldn’t because he was too busy, to get a fellow who had an apartment where I worked to go and get it. I was so shocked that someone could be that calloused, especially just a day after he said he would. What causes them to be like this? How can they ever expect someone to really care for them? I realize that I’ve done so much grieving over the years, that if God takes them before me, I don’t know that I’ll have any grief left. I’ve read that the depth of our love can be determined by our grief. I would say that the love is definitely gone.

Beverly

Apt/mgr – I really feel for your anxiety – why do they do it etc etc. But by exploring the web I have found many answers to my own questions, like those of yours. In the end at Southernman put it, you just cant match your reality of thinking with their reality – they are totally different – and although we want to make sense of the loose ends – it is just impossible. My parting words to my ex were – I suggest we meet for you to explain all the loose ends – not suprisingly he did a runner!! Ha.

Strangely, my estranged brother has just contacted me out of the blue, after some years of absence, when he screwed my mind over our mother’s death. He says he wants to heal the relationship. I am feeling very cautious about this and I am going to give him one shot at what he has to say. As I said to my friend, if he tries to gloss over things or avoid apology – it will be no contact with him as well.

I was just reading a valentines card my ex sent me it says – Valentine, Lots of Love from you know who… (inside it says) or do you? I was always getting the double message from him. Mind you at times I think I played the double double bluff on him. Just been on the MSN site, some great information there. And the links on this site regarding obsessional thinking have really given me some good practical ideas to work with. I know I am out of balance at present, and I feel in fighting spirit. I think now I must have explored every nook and cranny of it all and it all sounds so very familiar!!

Beverly

P.S. Im in the garden at the moment burning all the love notes he sent me and the photos of him. I was waiting for the right moment to do this – and now seems a good enough time.

Beverly

I have suffered a fair amount of mental abuse from my brother too over the years – And my brother is a psychotherapist!

Beverly

Yes, apt/mgr. When my ex went back to his hometown, I asked him to get me 7 stones off the beach, so I could do hot stone massage for my painful back – of course he made some pathetic excuse for not bringing them back. I hoped that the next time he went there he would look at the millions of stones on the beach and think ‘why couldnt I do that for her’. But I am kidding myself, he just wasnt bothered. Infact when I told him stuff about myself my fav. meals etc, I used to quiz him on the answers, and he never knew because he just wasnt interested. He pulled a good prank on me in June this year. On the day of my daughter’s 18th birthday, he feigned having a heart attack, and I was then torn between taking him to hospital and taking my daughter for her birthday meal. A month before that he said he was having a heart attack, and I waited with him in hospital (strangely none of his family, who live close by, visited him). I even cooked him special meals low in fat, but I think he was kidding me, to see how much I would stand by him. What a prat he was!

apt/mgr

Beverly,
Go you. I just got back from an errand and this friend who did so much damage to me and got the money out of me was there. I haven’t seen him since I said I don’t want his friendship. I was curious to see if I had any “twinge” when I saw him. I was amazed that nothing happened. I kind of feel contempt for him. I rationalize most everything, and I told him before, that I’m just one of many and there are lots and lots more women he can do. He has had so many, and I had been so blinded by my despair, and thought from his attention, that I’m the one. I sure was. I was the one he duped and manipulated. But he never got to finish what he started.

As I looked at him from a distance, I wondered what I ever saw in him. He’s losing his looks. His hair is thinning and he looks old. I thought, too, that’s the man who really did a number on me. He’s oblivious to the obvious. I just can’t make myself believe that they really can’t see what they’ve done and can’t understand why we don’t want them around. I’ve heard from him, “I’ll make it up to you”. He sure did. I’m seeing the real him as a cruel man with a very caustic way of speaking.

I, too, have a sibling who hasn’t spoken with me for over 3 years. I tried to explain to her why I’m where I’m at in this stage of my life and how what was with my husband, wasn’t. She became so nasty and said that maybe some people create their own hell, (meaning me) and followed that conversation with a letter telling me what a selfish, self-centered person I was, along with other demeaning remarks. I have to wonder about her personality. It used to bother me about these people, but I no longer care what they think of me. I know in my heart I didn’t do to them what was done to me. I’ve allowed God to search my heart and asked that He would reveal anything I need to ask forgiveness for. But I know there is nothing, because I did nothing to be punished in the way they did to me.

But I still feel, oh so good. I’ve found the longer I’m away from these people the easier it is to forget them. That’s a part of the healing of the mind we all need. I sometimes actually have to concentrate to try and remember their looks. I’m much calmer in my spirit, too. Not troubled with the thoughts that use to trouble me. I just don’t care enough anymore. And it’s getting easier to not care. I can pray for their souls without having to endure their presence. I refuse to make anything easy for any of them. If any one wants something, they have to work for it.

Beverly

Apt/Mgr – The Bottom Line is that someone who GENUINELY cares about you and loves you will show that to you in a consistent and caring way, they will not manipulate you or pretend to love you, you will feel good around them, they will always act in your best interests. My ex played a lot of mean pranks on me. After preparing Christmas dinner and getting presents etc, he cancelled saying he had to work shifts. He manipulated me sexually too. He often went on holiday alone, and this summer on the day he was coming back he started sending messages – I miss you, Iam going to cuddle you etc etc, I cant wait to see you – meet me at the station and we can have a nice cuddle that evening. Like a fool, I met him at the station, bought him a drink, took him and his luggage home, then he cancelled the evening – he used me for a lift home! These people are only after one thing – the power and domination of OWNING another person, thus they cast a mean spell, as Southernman put it. We will learn not to be duped by these people again. Like your ex friend, my ex is gruff and agressive – I dont know what i saw in him, but he has no problem in charming women and he is onto his next one now. When I first met him, he told me his family are number one, i couldnt make sense of that – now Imake sense of all his ploys and setups – and at the end of the day,, that is all it is – IT is a charade, it is not genuine and these people seek to harm and put us in pain to achieve their satisfaction and pleasure. NO WAY

Beverly

These people have an underlying motive – in the name of love – they want to rob us on every level – our good nature, our possessions, our dignity, our wellbeing, our spirit and vitality, our peace of mind, our bodies, our minds and thinking, our energy, our identity. This dark energy wants to deplete and degrade us, bring us down and do away with us. This is a crime at the very worst level.

apt/mgr

I was in denial for so long because I couldn’t make myself accept that a fellow human being could be so cruel. I did so many comparisons and finally realized they really do have a dark side. I always thought we got what we gave. I don’t give to get, but it’s my nature to be giving. Only because I care. I never thought I’d have to be in competition with someone who was to be the male part of the equation. I’m tired of doing both parts. I realize too, that my husband was jealous of his own children. He just couldn’t get it that I wasn’t his mother. I think, too, that my ex friend saw me as a mother figure, too, even though he would have done the sex thing had I been able. I’m so glad I held back.

He said that friends have sex, so that told me he goes around having sex with his friends. That’s not me. If there’s no love, there’s no sex. I tried to show him by example how to conduct a real relationship, but I know now that he was just acting, for my benefit. They are like chameleons. They adapt in whatever environment they are in at the time. I think they do everything to get the love they seek, only as a reward, but they have nothing to give back. I had a male tenant several years ago who admitted he was a sex addict. He had been married several times and had lots of women on the side. He said his women fell for him and he used them and he took them for granted because he didn’t have to work for their love. They gave it willingly. I kind of did my own survey and asked several men, who bed hopped, why. I asked too, if they’d ever been in love. The one said he loved his first wife and she cheated on him. He said after that, every women he slept with he imagined he was cheating on her. Another said he just used his current woman and imagined she was his ex every time they had sex. Another would call his estranged wife from his girlfriends bed. There were several more, but the consensus is the same. They have very sick minds and they are totally driven by sex. They just do the rest of life because they have to, but sex is the greatest motivating factor. When they are looking for better and better, and we just happen to be in their line of vision, and we show any interest, we become their target.

I’ve been toyed with so much being married, then this friend who just wanted a sexual relationship with me, that I don’t think I can ever trust another man. In my mind, they are all the same. I don’t want to relinquish my body again, knowing I’m just a fill in. I wonder what a lot of them are going to do when they can no longer function.

But at least I didn’t have to go to my grave not knowing. I thought I needed to be fulfilled as a woman, and I really am. That’s for me to do and not a mere man. I don’t need a man to determine who I am and form my boundaries. What I have is mine to do with as I choose. Just like their’s is. Besides it’s too much drama. I like tranquility, solitude, peace and quiet. I can’t deal with confrontation. I’ve said I’m a realist who is also an idealist and the two just don’t mesh. I just don’t think there’s any need for the constant vying for attention. I don’t crave attention and don’t need it to survive, but apparently the ones I’ve been with do. They will have to get it elsewhere, because they are way too much maintenance for me. I can’t understand that kind of need. It looks like we are all coming to the same conclusion at the same time. For me, only because I’m done with the games. I don’t know how to play, so I quit and am just going to live and love those who don’t abuse it.

Beverly

But now we know, understand and have suffered the rules of their game, we know it better. The problem for me was, that I knew the behaviour was odd, bizarre, dramatic, virtually from the beginning – but because I hadnt heart of a sociopath, I couldnt fit the pieces together and kept thinking – perhaps I AM being too needy, too possessive, too suspicious, too jealous. I kept taking the bait and taking the responsibility whilst he seemed to be able to distance him self scott free of any responsibility, blame or anything else, whilst he punished me from the dark shadows. If I brought up anything about his behavoiur he would disappear, depriving me of his company and being out of communication reach, using his mobile phone to hide behind. When I first met him he sent me 48 text messages the first night – the week I finished with him, I could not communicate or find him at all. He was very careful not to ‘invest’ himself in the relationship, but he was clever enough to keep the ball rolling from time to time by giving me compliments, flowers, declarations of love etc. He has found himself another victim and a job in a building virtually full of women. I have realised so much over the last month. The thing that swung it for me at the start of knowing him, despite my reservations about him (he looked gruff), was I made some basic flaws in my thinking and trusting his statements which were designed to put me off the track. The love of opera, I thought was mark of refinement, it was not. My father loved opera too. Just shows you how wrong you can be in your judgement of people. At the beginning we are not aware of them choosing us, to enmesh us in their game. When we met, he told me he knew immediately ‘I was the one’, I took this as a compliment – I later came to realise what that actually meant. He knew I had no family to protect me, and the only other man in my life, my daughter’s father – despite not having been in a relationship for 19 years with him, my ex MADE me phone him up to tell him ‘he’ was now in the frame – he blocked my protection routes – but he couldnt silence me. The very qualitie in me, my rebelliousness which my family used to put me down for, have been my saving grace.

apt/mgr

As I keep reading all these comments, I want to say, did we switch places? These people aren’t the unique ones they want us to believe they are. I had so many reservations from the get go, but I truly thought I was being judgmental and I didn’t want that to hinder what could become a real relationship. I’m all about real. But they sure can fool a person, especially someone like myself who was battered and bruised from a man who had so much emotional baggage.

I always thought everyone processed their baggage, but I guess that’s why they call it baggage. They are packed ready to go. For me, whatever baggage I would have, I don’t take it out on others and could never understand what I ever did to deserve the treatment. The punishment wasn’t worthy of the crime. I guess it was just the crime of being and not doing.

I had no idea that people walk around without knowing who they are and just use other people’s reaction to determine what they should do. I never knew someone could be so cruel as to mess with a person’s mind and emotions and just use them for sex and satisfaction. I have come so far, and I have my eyes wide open now. I’ve learned to trust somewhat, but I’m so much more discerning. It’s okay to say no. I don’t have to avail myself just for the sake of satisfying someone’s lust. If there isn’t real love involved, I’m not there. If there isn’t a genuine give and take, I’m done. I will not stoop to someone’s level, just to keep someone around. I don’t need it.

For so long, this ex-friend of mine, would keep doing things and I was so needy that I let him, because I figured if I defended myself in any way, I’d lose him. I didn’t have him to begin with. He was on another page all the time. I can’t figure how two people can walk and talk together, and share their bodies, only to be in two different worlds. I still say something is wrong in their sex drive that causes them to do really weird things. I have heard from so many, that once the divorce is final, or the breakup has occurred, they are better friends than ever. But when they were together and sharing their bodies, they hated each other. There’s something radically misdirected. But in my case, sex and lack there of, caused me so many problems. All push/pull, love me/hate me. I never knew where I stood. All I ever got were vague answers. No absolutes. So I started giving those kinds of answers and it was met with, can’t I be more specific. So I took to turning the tables, and doing just what they(my husband, then my friend)did. Really bugged them.

I’ve learned to evaluate the conversation and to really listen. I won’t be taken again. I have many male tenants who will come to my office and ask me point blank to have sex with them. I politely tell them no and what they don’t hear, is not in this lifetime. Those kind I can deal with because I know where their mind is to begin with. It’s the cunning ones who act like they have no hidden agenda and will bait. I was baited and I took it. That was before. This is now and even though I had to pay a price, I’m so much better for it. I’ve learned the only way I will help someone, is if I know the need is genuine. Then I usually point them in the direction of human services!! I no longer give willingly, unless I know what it’s really all about. I won’t take care of another man, unless I’m his caregiver and I’m getting paid to do it. I won’t pay another man’s bills, while he uses his money for his pleasure. I reflect and can see what I couldn’t see before and I’ve lost total respect for the men in my life who devalued me and took without giving. I have love for God and because of that, I can feel sorry for these kinds of people, who don’t know how to love. I’m glad I marched to a different beat. That’s what kept me going.

alohatraveler

To ML,

I love what you say about Trust. That is one of the biggest lessons in this… that we gave ourselves away in the name of trust.

Now, we are learning to trust ourselves… with ourselves and with our own well being. I did not take care of my well being when I was with the Bad Man… not at all.

I have definately learned a lot about boundaries and about giving all my trust to anyone. I am more careful now with this but still I can feel a pull inside and I have to listen to the inner voice (a new inner voice) that is telling me, “No, don’t say that.” I have always been so open and transparent. It is a constant struggle for not to be… I am just wired that way.

Anyway, thanks for sharing your thoughts. I am now going to attempt to work on that survey. I think I have been putting that off.

Aloha.. E.R.

Beverly

To Alohatraveler. I relate to what you say – I am like that too, I would often put others before myself. Although I must say that my instincts and suspicions were working, but that is no good if we dont act on them firmly. I also had very soft boundaries, as I am a ‘go with the flow’ type of person. But I have realised that in making myself so flexible, I am therefore making myself ripe to be exploited.

apt/mgr

I have tried to live an altruistic lifestyle. I ended up becoming a co-dependent to the point where I didn’t exist. I was genderless. I trusted the wrong ones and I allowed a sexual attraction to determine the amount of trust I extended. That was my biggest mistake. Sex is an emotion and we can’t use it as a measuring stick in determining the relationship. It took me a long time and a lot of observation, to finally have an aha moment. If life isn’t good out of bed, and it is in, then it’s only sex and nothing more. I can’t trust on the idea that if sex is good and the attraction is there, then it’s okay to open myself up for all the rest a relationship contains. All that ends up doing is causing us to turn a blind eye to what they are really doing to us. What lessons learned.

This is my first post. Can’t tell you what it means to me to have found this sight. I have found a few books who have helped me to ‘understand’ what happened to me, but not one, as of yet, has dealt with recovery. The subject of religion has prompted me to write this post. My sociopath used religion as his excuse to completely level me TWICE and I knew both times that he was using God to excuse what was truly an act of selfish and evil behavior. Begs the question, if I saw it the first time, why was there a second??? Don’t think I need to explain that to anyone reading this. Anyway, just wanted to tell anyone dealing with this, my counselor, my christian counselor, pointed something out to me that may be of help to you.
God will NOT be mocked – not for long. I believe that all sins are equal, ultimately in God’s eyes. The only difference between sins is the consequences here on earth. But this applies to BELIEVERS who struggle to be faithful. Sociopaths/psychopaths do not fall into this category. When they quote scripture and use God to rationalize their behavior to others, they are mocking God. HE will not be mocked, not for long. They WILL answer for it. Have faith.

apt/mgr

To enlightened,
I too, believe a day of reckoning is coming. God says we will reap what we sow. He says His words will not return to Him void, meaning that He means what He says. But the best part is that He is merciful to those undeserving of mercy. All of us. I just wish the ones in my life who caused me the most pain, would realize that in God’s eyes we all fall short. Not just me, as they would believe. We extend mercy because we want mercy. I thank God that He has given me the ability to love and not hate. A friend asked me if I hated my husband for all that happened, and I said, I don’t know how to hate. I’ve felt I’ve been hated, but I love God and God says whoever says they love Him but hates his fellowman is a liar. I don’t go around making enemies. I want friends but I become so paranoid that I begin to wonder what they see that they want to hurt me so. I’ve grown a much tougher exterior and don’t take the barbs personally anymore. I consider the source and pray that God would be able to shine His light on them. I think they walk in darkness. They don’t like the light because it will expose them and they seem too proud to admit to any failings. What a sad state to have to live in a mind that is constantly trying to deceive and disengage people and catch them unawares. I want to trust someone again and enjoy the fruits of a real relationship. I just know if I let down my guard again, I’ll constantly be waiting for the other shoe to drop.

Trying to find a real man who follows God’s precepts is very difficult. Even the Christian community is being taken in by men who proclaim God, but in secret they are doing their dirty deeds. How could a shepherd of the flock stand in the pulpit and preach morality to his people, knowing he’s out there soliciting sex from gays or prostitutes?

In my walk through life, I find men who have a little bit of God and they think they are God. Like that gives them the right to do what they do. I have a friend, who when I first met him and questioned something he did, held up his hands and said, “See the nail prints?” That stopped me in my tracks and made me wonder how he really saw himself. Did he think he was so pure that he was Christ? I’ve been so confused by the men who had been in my life, that I doubt whether I’d recognize a real one. They wear a facade and I keep waiting for it to slip. They even appear to be real Christians. Then it’s such a disappointment to find out just what their character speaks of them.

But I digress. For your recovery, I think it will take time. I don’t think there is any instant formula and viola, you’re whole again. The whole episode of the relationship has to be processed. The mind and heart have to heal. I know for me, I keep searching for answers and I don’t think there is just one right answer. They all apply, but I wanted to fix what seemed so messed up with the man, but I have to take care of me and he can do the same. I just finally know through this site and some others, that I’m okay and you’re okay. We just happened to be in their line of vision. But for me, I think everything happens for a purpose. I believe there are forces of good and evil at work in our world. All one has to do is watch the news and read what is happening to people the world over. That’s evil. Ones definition of love is definitely different from another’s. Especially if his love takes the form of control. Then it isn’t love. There should be freedom in love. I didn’t have that freedom. I do now, but I’m not “in love”. And don’t think it will happen. I have high standards and don’t want to lower them to the point I did before and got lost in a man. I can’t risk losing that part of me ever again. I no longer want surprises like that in my life. I wait before God for Him to make all things possible and He does. He has healed my mind and broken heart. Christ said He came to bind up the broken hearted and I was one and He did and He will continue to do so.

apt/mgr

I’ve learned that I don’t have to own the problems of other people. I came with this idea of taking responsibility for other people and that I should be able to get them to see what they are doing, then if nothing happens, I blame myself. It took me a long time of self analysis to realize they were here in life before me, so whatever problems they have were there before me. They just used me as a convenient target. I became their scape goat and took the mantle willingly. That was the beginning of the demise of the person I was to begin with, before I allowed someone to determine my boundaries.

We are all created separately and we are individuals. There’s nothing written that we have to take ownership for someone’s failures and misery. If we are strong in our own right, we can help someone become the best they can be, but they have to ask. The ones in question in my life thought they weren’t flawed in any way and wanted to keep pointing out my failings. I had such an inferiority complex by that time, I believed I had no worth. But the tide changed in my favor, and I finally realized they are the ones with the flaws. No wonder no one wanted to stay married to them. You never know which man is going to show up, so you wait in trepidation, not knowing what to say for fear it will be all wrong. What a dismal way to live.

Being on this side, I can see where I went wrong, but I’m much stronger now and know that what I was feeling inside, was just my gut instinct telling me to watch out. I’ve learned to follow that and I’m most always right. I’m right to hesitate and just wait and see. Truth will prevail. My instincts don’t let me down.

apt/mgr

Thank you. I know my plan on doing life is much different than most, but I’ve been able to prove my theories through my children. I consider them my fruit and I, with God’s help, was able to impart truth to them. But I’ve lived in such a way that I can give an honest account of my life. No surprises. As I read all these accounts I’m finding that I really wasn’t alone in my assessment of what I was told I just imagined. I kind of wish I could have had my day in court, but I’m finding as I live and breath, the truth keeps opening to me, and what I thought was, really is. Isn’t truth grand? It took me getting hurt very badly, and having my trust exploited, but I’m so much stronger and wiser. So what if I don’t have someone to share life with, I have me and that counts more than having a man who only wants to use me and my resources and give me nothing in return. I’m responsible for me and they are responsible for them. Equality. Finally.

I feel the need to clarify something. I in no way meant that ‘he’ would not be worthy of God’s grace – yes, even the unworthy can receive God’s grace. I suppose that all I was trying to say was that I manage to find a little comfort in the fact that, one day, he will have to stand before God and face up to his lies. One day, the smirk WILL be wiped off his face. He will meet God face to face, and he will know what he did to me. I have to know that, because the hardest thing for me to deal with has been the fact that he will finish out his existence on this earth without being remorseful, or even GETTING what he did to me. This man was my best friend for two years. I thought. I shared every intimate aspect of my life with him – at his request! – we worked together, laughed together, and fell in love. I thought. The day that being with me was going to cost him, he threw me to the wolves. He took every confidence I had shared with him and he used it against me. He told horrible lies about me. He went into complete reptilian-like self preservation mode. The pain that he heaped on me was not even a consideration. It was about him. I’m too tired right now to say the rest. Another day, perhaps. Apt/mgr., in spite of the pain, or anger, you may hear from me – I don’t hate either. Don’t have it in me. Don’t even have a vengeful bone in my body. Have petty thoughts here and there, :-), but that’s the extent of it. One day,maybe I’ll share my story – until then, I am thankful for what I have gained from this website. Happy Holidays.

apt/mgr

Enlightened
You obviously believe God’s words. I find comfort in them and they have been the main part of my healing. I prayed for truth and I got it. More than I ever imagined. When things were really rough, the put downs, the belittling, being devalued, on and on, I would think of Christ’s words on the cross when He prayed for God to forgive them because they didn’t know what they were doing. I have to wonder just how much these kind do know. Do they walk in darkness and that’s why they can’t feel what we feel or even have remorse for their doings? I don’t know, because God says who can know a man’s heart or any humans heart. We are known by our actions, and people have been acting for centuries.

I’ve learned to keep leaving it at the cross for God to take care of it. I’ve become cynical, yes, but I still have compassion. I went through the resentment stage, but the only one who was miserable was me. I read a quote that said, unforgiveness is like drinking poison everyday hoping the other person will die. I know in my heart I didn’t cause the turmoil. I processed my part of the whole relationship and I’m ready to push forward. We are all creatures who want to share life with someone. God said it’s not good for man to be alone. But I would say that God didn’t intend for man to treat woman like he does or vice versa. We should be able to trust the one we give our love and bodies to, but their heart is blocked off. I know in my case, the weird started after sex kicked in. Once we started having sex, as in my husband, and the lack there of with a male friend, that’s when the awful started. Everything was fine up to that point. Lots of talking, comradery, real communication, etc. After the sex drive was in force, something drastic happened. My husband was nice to everyone but me. Lots of double standards that weren’t there to begin with. Frankly I just don’t have it in me to care anymore. If any of them have demons inside, they have to figure it out. If they don’t ask for help, then they just have to live with themselves and function however. I’m just glad that God brought freedom to me, to finally function without them. My life is much more peaceful.

Send this to a friend