I don’t spend a lot of time writing about ”˜what happened’ while I was with the sociopath. What happened cannot be changed. What can change is how I treat myself today. What I do today to create the beautiful life I deserve. In that process, I write about the triggers from the past that sometimes erupt and their impact on my life today. I find too much ruminating over what happened in the there and then affects my here and now. It holds me back from living each moment of my day with joyful abandon.
Recently, however, a producer approached me about taking my book, The Dandelion Spirit, and turning it into a movie.
Wow. Cool. Weird.
Love it, even though part of me is scared it’s just a joke. It isn’t true — vestiges of the sociopathic encounter that would have me believe the world is not a safe and loving place.
In acknowledging I deserve my success, I have to participate in the process of making my dreams come true. The producer has asked for more details about some of the things that happened. He’s asked me to write them out. Not that the story needs more drama — I mean really, what could be more dramatic than an encounter with a sociopath? Every moment is filled with the angst and drama of the shifting sands of reality stirring up terror and fear in every gasping breath. Every day is replete with the drama he created to keep the veil of confusion sealed around me. The drama was part of what I became addicted to. It was part of what kept me ensnared in his unholy embrace, gasping for air as I drowned beneath the trauma of loving him.
It isn’t that the story needs more drama, but it does need specific moments that reveal the subtle manipulative mechanisms he employed to keep his Prince Charming mask in place.
And so, I’ve begun the process of writing out some of the events that I did not write about in The Dandelion Spirit. These are the events that were so painful, so numbing, so humbling that I have avoided looking at them — until now.
It’s been an interesting, not to mention surprising, process. Surprising because, some events still remain sensitive to light. Touching them hurts. And yet, in the process of writing them out, I let them out, I let them go. I cast light upon the shadows and release them to the past. In writing them out, the pain eases and I breathe more deeply the fresh clear air of gratitude and appreciation in which I live my life today.
The momentary pain of re-living the event eases as I face the sadness of having once been ”˜that woman’ back then who was so abused. Writing them out is good for me.
As I write, it is imperative that I remind myself — that was then, this is now. I cannot heal what I do not acknowledge. I cannot change what happened, nor the past. I can change its hold on me today.
I was hurt in that relationship. Deeply wounded. I fell hard. I fell fast. I fell.
Today, I am not that same woman who pleaded endlessly with ”˜her man’ to please forgive her for”¦.. Fill in the blanks. I asked him to forgive me for breathing in the end, for taking up room, for being part of his life. I spent most of my time begging for his forgiveness, all the while never acknowledging, forgiving him was not necessary — stopping his abuse in my life was.
In healing, I have let go of forgiving him — he doesn’t matter in my life today and forgiving him is for me, not him. In healing, I focus my attention on me and forgive myself. I forgive myself for holding myself in that place where he had permission and the latitude to abuse me. For lying to myself, for continually lying to the world as I tried desperately to pretend I was okay, that everything in my world was alright — that was a lie. I knew it then. I acknowledge it today and forgive myself with a loving heart.
In writing out the events I’ve never been able to speak of, I give myself permission to heal those areas of my heart that remain pocked with the pits of that time when I gave up on me and gave into a man who I believed had the right to abuse my love, faith, hope and trust.
It’s hard work writing out some of these events — but it’s good work. Healing. Soothing. It makes me joyful. For, in the writing out, I let it out and when I let it out it no longer hides uneasily in darkness within me.
In writing it out, I give myself permission to step into the beautiful light of my life today, freely, lovingly, completely. In writing it out, I acknowledge, what he did back then is nothing compared to what I am capable of doing today when I stand without fear and look into the mirror of my eyes and say, I love myself exactly the way I am. I am free.
I totally agree with putting to paper the thoughts and feelings that want to continually rob me of my joy. I didn’t write for all the years of my marriage and should have, so when I met a man, who wanted us to be friends, and he started doing weird things, I started to write. I found it got it out of my head and heart. If no one believed me, I did. I had the proof that he really is a cruel man.
It all started for me 12 years ago as a friendship. He did, what I call emotional rape, but he saw it as a golden opportunity to continue to rape my mind and emotions. Because I couldn’t have sex with him and wouldn’t consent to an affair, and he knew I was attracted to him, he used it all against me. I was so broken from the abuse of my husband and his family, this man was like a breath of fresh air. I thought he just wasn’t real. And he wasn’t. But I didn’t know that people have hidden agendas. I was so naive and blinded by my own despair, that I thought what he was doing to me, was a result of something I did to him. I couldn’t for the life of me think what, so I became more obsessive compulsive trying to analyze every aspect of thought and doing, to make sure I didn’t offend this man. Nothing I ever did was right as far as my husband went, so I wanted to do it differently. It got so I basically apologized when this man just walked into the room.
He knew what he was doing and I didn’t. Even though there were some who said get away from him, no one would tell me why. I couldn’t imagine why someone who looked as good as he did, could have hidden ulterior motives. What a learning experience. He ran in and out of my life for 12 years, but only as a “friend”. I think he built up a complete arsenal on a happening and it all had to do with his sex drive. Because I couldn’t have sex, he punished me with the push/pull of so many of these men. Messed my head up so badly, I started wondering what I was. That’s when I started journaling.
As I look back and reread some of it, I am appalled at how he treated me, but more so because I took it. I was so emotionally weak and he knew that. I took his crap because I was so afraid I’d lose his friendship. I realize now that I never had it to begin with. He has so many problems but he figured he could help me with my life. My eyes are opened so wide now, that I will never be that needy again. I’ve learned if a man wants to hug me the first time he sees me, I politely tell him to take a hike. If they mention sex and money within the first couple of sentences, likewise. I’ve found all we have to do is listen to their talk. I didn’t know about red flags before. My life would have been done so differently had I known. I thought if you had man/woman, you had the right formula for the beginning of family.
But he didn’t kill me, like so many women I’m reading about. They get involved with a man who turns into an incredibly angry man, and she really pays. Anger has a root and if someone takes out their aggression on us, when we didn’t cause it, means that someone else is in their heart and we are the convenient stand in. I’ve learned now to run at the first signs of anger. Unless I helped to provoke the argument, I will not buy into the anger.
I’ve learned to keep my guard in place. I don’t think it’s wise to fully trust anyone because with total trust comes ingratitude. To me, when we trust to that extent, we make it easy for them to do to us what they do. They no longer have to work for our approval. They have it and know they can keep working their insanity on us and we’ll keep taking it. For me, I’m done and as I reflect, I almost cry all over again for that naive, vulnerable, innocent woman I was. I had my love folded, stapled, mutilated and thrown back in my face over and over again, under the guise of marriage and friendship.
I really believe something manic happens to some of them once sex enters the picture. The biggest change came about in my own life when sex was and wasn’t. If that’s their only motivation in life, they will do whatever they can to punish us if we don’t meet their expectations. What lessons to learn. With so many people fighting for their very existence and little children being exploited and left to their own devices, these men prey on innocent women to provide them their jollies, then just dump them when they get bored. I wish impotence on all of them!!
I would advise anyone to journal and keep track of what is happening. It was one of the greatest panaceas for me and just finding someone who would listen to the mania in my life.
For me, there are various dimensions to this. I remember having a brief relationship with a man I now realise was a sociopath 25 years ago, which left me drained and miserable and thinking – what was that about. Not realising that this was a prelude to what I have encountered more fully this year.
On an energetic level, it is shocking to see how the bad energy pretends to be that of good initially and then it displays its true colours, quite clumsily as I now remember. When I relate to my goodness my expansiveness, I feel my good energy is infinite, bad energy is finite and limiting – the difference between being fully alive and joyful and the opposite a kind of living slow death. We are all an interplay of good and negative energies, and I am more aware of when my good energy is being dragged down. I am much more sensing than thinking now – I am relating to my higher energies more. I always trust my catharsis, sometimes I dont know what route I will take, it may be long winded. Some people say to me I am punishing myself, some say he still has control of my thinking. I trust that my way of healing is unique to me and this is probably the reason why despite, some devastating experiences in the past, I survive it all to stand upright, courageous and alot wiser and alot more together. When I am feeling pulled towards negative, I can think of the manipulations and the events. If I make a mistake in my catharsis, I learn from that too. When I am feeling to the good, I realise that off the back of these experiences I have learnt shed loads about myself, how I relate in relationships, I have explored the subject of anger, got much more in touch and honoring my feelings more, realised the relationships that have played out over the years in my family dynamics, how that affected me then and I sense when my strings are being pulled. How the synchronicity of events coincided with having to collect my father’s belongings when his widow died last year – how this opened the wound and how that linked to my ex – they were similar, which was why I probably felt a sense of comfort in his presence. I have understood alot of the context of it and it has given me a release in myself and a deeper strength. I have explored emotional clearing, my inner child and my connection with God and my spiritual life. I could never have done all that without having lived the drama.
Having said all that, there are times when I feel really sad for him, for the darkness in his life.
ML…
I too have written much about my experience with my sociopath…..in journals… but found it exhausting to re-examine it all… in my mind, I have analyzed the relationship over and over, backwards and forwards, and even sideways in my head till it hurt to even think of it.. but yet… it’s always there….and it still to this day does not make sense… but then again.. how can you make sense of someone else’s craziness?? I agree that getting it out… all of it helps one heal.. and I’m all for that.. but I feel that it also brings back the pain.. not only the pain that they imposed upon us, but the pain that we feel about ourselves… the flaws that we must have had in our being, in our thinking… to allow such treatment to be unchecked… I am always astonished when I think back upon that relationship and how I let someone manipulate and pull me down…. That isn’t the person I know as me.. before her, and after her.. but yet.. I allowed this…. it brings to me much shame… but as you wrote.. that was then.. this is now….. As we all know here.. no one can actually understand the how’s and the why’s of letting someone use control in such a negative way against us.. only we understand the full extent of the fear and the pain… so I wonder if people would really understand how a normal man or a woman could let a predator do such damage to us…I would think that people who have never been in such a toxic relationship would wonder what is wrong with US…. I have often said and felt that I was a accomplice to this betrayal of my heart.. for I let her easily play her toxic game on me… boundaries were non-existent…. it was as if I was under some kind of dark magic spell……. again.. this had never been me in the past.. when someone treated me bad… I dropped them like a bad habit… but with her….. it was like I gave her the keys to my house, loaded the gun, and gave that to her and told her to shoot me in the head and take all of my possessions…. and she did…… so I wonder.. would the general public watch such a story and walk away thinking he or she had it coming.. why didn’t they see?……why should I sympathies with someone who basically gave someone total reign over their life /emotions and then cry foul later………now….. with all of that said…. like you.. like all of us here… I DO UNDERSTAND the how’s and the why’s…… it is like those people who get caught up in a cult…. you read about them and wonder what the heck they were thinking…… you don’t feel too much compassion for them because you think or feel that they must have been weak to begin with, or weren’t quite all there and someone took advantage of that….it isn’t until you walk a mile in a man’s shoes that you understand how it could be.. and how it could have easily happened to you or me…In the end….. we are all victims of a crime of passion….. all we ever wanted from them was to be loved and to give our love. I hope that your writing helps heal those dark parts that you haven’t shared with us… and my hearts desire would be that your writing becomes something that not only touches, informs those who have been through this.. but gives everyone a glimpse of the distorted, toxic life of those who hunt others for fun and pleasure.
A movie? Yes!! Brilliant idea. These days people are too lazy to read a book so they wait for the movie.
ML, your input is great. I’m sure I speak for everyone who has been a part of these blogs as well as every other person who has fallen victim to a sociopath when I say “we all stand by you and cheer you on with this phase of bringing the depths of this human dispair to light.”
I relate to what southernman says and my hope is that the producers of the movie have the ability to communicate the real emotions through the screen without making it look either like a science fiction movie or just another movie about a pathetic bunch of weak people because it is so very true … NO ONE can understand the depths of this traumatic emotional rape until they have experienced it first-hand. Just as no woman can ever understand the mental trauma of physical rape until they have been there. I personally have not been physically raped and while I empathise and weep for every woman or child who has suffered this unthinkable brutality of mankind, I too cannot understand the depths of physical rape. (We need scratch & sniff movie screens!!) I saw Monster with Charlize Theron a little while ago and I think the producers as well as Ms Theron portrayed an outstanding account of rape and abuse. Extreme as it was, it certainly opened a lot of eyes, particularly since the movie was based on a real-life story.
God speed to you ML, as you, the other experts in this field and all the victims bring this devistating reality into the open.
Well put Southernman. Because alot of their behaviour is bizarre and covert and eventually you have to get them out of your life – you dont get proper closure. You cant make sense of their bizarre unreality and in trying to piece all the events together, and trying to pick up the pieces of your life and struggle with it all – it leaves you tormented mentally and emotional and physically drained and battered. How have others coped with this? Does meditation help?
The best ‘closure’ would be to see their names in the obituary column!! The knowledge that they still breathe the same oxygen we do is enough to infuriate even the most placid person!!
I think everyone deals with the process in a similar but different way. The goal is the same for all of us and the path might vary … whatever works for YOU is the way to go. Time heals but the scars never leave us. Maybe we should appreciate those scars for what they are and use them as a shield of protection. Meditation focusses on our “self” and thats what we need to get back to … our inner self and rebuild. We’ve been unwillingly put through a shredder and we’re all carefully putting the pieces back together … somewhat cynical now, but certainly more aware.
I also think that this site has proven time and again that each of us is not alone, and that in itself is a comfort and a healing tool.
Hello everyone,
What this thread proves to me is that we not only share in our experience of having been victim’s of these abusers, we also share amazing compassion, empathy and courage. What each of you has written is a testatment to what powerful individuals you each are.
Apt/mg — I too call it emotional rape. While I was with him, I never wrote. Writing is about truth — and there was no truth in my life with him. I could not write.
I am learning to trust again. C.C., the man in my life today, is kind and caring. I knew him for three years as a friend before we started dating — it is really nice to be involved with someone who doesn’t play constant mind games. The fact that I still write throughout the course of our relationship is another positive factor too!
Beverly, like you, I too recognize a relationship I had in my twenties as a precursor to this one. In that case, I lasted three months and said, this is crazy! It ended badly but I refused to measure myself against his misconduct. That one didn’t drain me — this one. Wow. It sucked every breath of air from me. You’re right though, what I’ve learned post the sociopath is incredibly life-giving — and I could not have done suc spiritual growth work so deeply without that experience.
I too had moments of sadness for him — but I’m letting those go as well. When I feel them, I surround them with light and let them go into the universe.
Southernman — you have such a deep, caring heart. Thank you for sharing. Like you, I also became his accomplice and then his co-conspirator. I plotted my demise. I yearned for his attention — good, bad or indifferent. I became him watching him destroying me.
Can others understand? For me, letting go of that shame has been essential. When I first got my life back a dear friend said, So, ML, we know what he is. What’s it say about you? I asked him — Are you asking that question to gain understanding about what happened to me, or to judge me? If it’s to judge, don’t bother. No one can judge me as harshly as I have.
Our judgements are damning — of ourselves. And so, I let mine go. And stepped into love — it was the only way I could heal.
I believe it’s important to tell these stories because in the telling, I create my new story — and people have a chance to learn from what happened to me. They will probably still believe it can’t happen to them — but as we all know — we believed the same once upon a time!
HI Buzzibee — Thanks! I respect this producter/director a lot. He has a really deep, textured way of looking at things and is very gifted in how he is able to bring the psychological aspects of the story to life — I also get to co-write which gives me some creative say. Thus far, we are definitely looking at the manipulative nature of the sociopath’s game and the subtelty with which they play it and how that draws the unsuspecting target into their lair. I’ll keep you posted.
AS to meditation — for me it is essential. I ground myself in truth, love and peace through meditation. As buzzibee says — it focusses me on ‘self’ — and helps me create stronger, more vibrant pathways to living joyfully in all kinds of weather.
Thanks everyone!
ML
I understand what everyone is saying. The sad part is trying to get the ones who do this to us, to get it. It is so frustrating in trying to be heard. For me, I finally reached a point where I said I quit. It just suddenly happened. I frankly don’t care enough anymore to try and win a place in their life. I’m through being a pit stop. If there isn’t anything there for me, oh well. I have learned to refocus and formulate my own plans for my life. I have learned to keep my own secrets, and to be careful who I reveal anything to. Now that my children have their own lives, I’m no longer responsible for them. I’m not responsible for a grown up who doesn’t know what he wants and doesn’t want to talk about it. I have quit buying into any guilt they have tried to lay on me.
My husband had gone so far as to say, “what kind of Christian are you?”. I say what kind is he and all the rest. My definition of Christian is Christ-like and those who can read but don’t do, have the problem. If I don’t cause the problem, I will not own it. I have gained strength and refuse to be devalued anymore by anyone. It took me many years to finally get to this point. It wasn’t an easy road I walked. It amazes my how the heart can take such a beating and still survives. But it still has to be the will to have something better and to convince ourselves that we do deserve something more.
I think too many times, we allow the significant other to determine our wealth and we tend to see ourselves as they see us, only to finally find out they have a very distorted view of life, because they are full of their selves and really have no room for another. I know for me, I tried just about anything one could think of, to get into my husband’s heart, only to find out after 31 years of being married, that the reason he treated me like he did was because I financially ruined him and turned the kids against him. That was an excuse and not a reason. But I don’t care anymore. I’m through trying to please others who have so much wrong that nothing makes them happy and that’s what they get from me. Nothing.
I’m not a bitter person. I’ve just finally faced reality and said I quit. I still have lots of compassion, but will reserve that for those who need it and not those who command it. I think we need to look deep within ourselves and determine what it is we want and not rely on people to provide that. Sometimes I think we allow our emotions to dictate and emotions come and go. We need to understand how our bodies work and to not get ourselves into a situation where we lose our identity. We need very strong boundaries and only allow those in who have our best interests at heart. We really can make it through life without someone. It’s not the best way to live, but considering the alternative, it’s best to be alone than to be with someone who only wants to use us and abuse us. It’s up to us to decide and we need to be informed.
I wish there had been a check list years ago but I truly thought people were people. I had no idea there were so many different kinds. They’ve always been there, but it’s only lately, when everything is being exposed, that we are seeing the bizarre behavior. I know for me, I wanted truth in my life. I wanted to be treated in private like I was in public. That’s when I realized something was radically wrong with my marriage. And that’s why I was so vulnerable when I met a “nice” man who wanted us to be friends. I realize now that we really don’t have to go out looking for friends. Some of my best friends are the ones I met by chance. But it still has to be about me. Not in a selfish way, but in a way that says I’m okay. If I’m not happy being with me, how can I be happy with someone else? And that’s the reverse too. How can I be happy with someone who is constantly looking for something to satisfy. I think we have within us the desire to fix it and make it right. We can’t fix other people. They have to choose to want something better.
But those with distorted thinking, want us to do it their way. I like compromise but that is a word that isn’t used much anymore. So, I have finally determined this is my life. I tried it other’s way and it didn’t work, and I’m not trying anymore. I refuse to be treated like an outcast, but still be used for my services. That depletes my stores and if I don’t get anything back, I’m the one becoming empty. No more. I wish there would be a way to get the truth out so more people could see there is a way out of their situation, before they invest too much time. The sad part is these kinds of people put up such a good front, that you have no idea what they are all about until, maybe many years into it. That’s where we all have to be strong within ourselves and not allow someone to belittle and devalue us. The very first time they do it, will only become a way of living. If I had to blame someone I will take the most, because I took it, because I wasn’t strong enough to do something about it. And if we can’t change the situation to include us, then it’s best to move on. If we’ve exhausted all attempts at compromise and they still won’t budge, then, I say, so long.
Being independent is the key too. I’ve found when people have to rely on another, that person takes ownership. I want to belong to someone, but I don’t want them to own me. I think we have to determine the one we want. But we still have to like being with ourselves and not expect someone to make us happy. They will never reach our expectations, because we can’t meet theirs. And I’ve finally learned that it’s about me and how I can make me happy. If someone wants to be happy with me, good. But I’m no longer in the business of trying to keep someone contented. It’s way too exhausting. A high maintenance person will drain us to the point that life loses it’s appeal. I no longer meet demands and I’m so much better for it.
I am a little different to some in the stories in that my ex was not monied – infact he had nothing to offer me other than his presence. When I met him that fateful day, and we spoke, I was very reserved about him, he looked agressive, he seemed intelligent and as we met again he pushed his honourable qualities, even commenting how he hated infidelity. I thought, at last I may have found someone who although he isnt well off, has good ground floor qualities. But he let his mask slip quite early on, saying to me as he was going that he had ‘demons in a box’. He always dropped bizarre hints as he was leaving. At the time my life was going on quite well, I was quite happy and well off, but did miss the company of a man. There are so many descriptions in other people’s writings that match his bizarre behaviour. I dumped him 3 months ago and he as another girlfriend, but he is keeping a low profile. How many more victims do these people have to claim. I see that there is a web in US for named psychos, but not one in the UK. This Cornish man has moved around all over the place, but has only told me of a few places and jobs he had. I know he lived and worked in the Midlands and he too shredded all his bank statements and wage slips in my shredder – but – when he was gone, I stuck all the pieces together. For a man working long hours he had £1 in the bank. Goodness knows what damage he has caused to other women and continues to cause with his new prey. Presumably he is keeping a low profile, cos he doesnt want me to spot her, because he knows that I know his game. I have spoken to so many other women who have suffered from their ex partners and some years ago I actually caught one out for a friend of mine. She was a nurse, a nice woman who met a builder. She became suspicious about his behaviour. When she found he had been summoned to appear in court many miles from their home, he explained it was for a driving offence. He didnt know me, so I went to the court and sat alone in the public gallery. He was infact being convicted of perverted offences towards children and the lies he told in the court room about his wife (my friend) and his home life were unbeleveable. I still see my friend and she never dated another man after that and neither has her daughter.