I don’t spend a lot of time writing about ”˜what happened’ while I was with the sociopath. What happened cannot be changed. What can change is how I treat myself today. What I do today to create the beautiful life I deserve. In that process, I write about the triggers from the past that sometimes erupt and their impact on my life today. I find too much ruminating over what happened in the there and then affects my here and now. It holds me back from living each moment of my day with joyful abandon.
Recently, however, a producer approached me about taking my book, The Dandelion Spirit, and turning it into a movie.
Wow. Cool. Weird.
Love it, even though part of me is scared it’s just a joke. It isn’t true — vestiges of the sociopathic encounter that would have me believe the world is not a safe and loving place.
In acknowledging I deserve my success, I have to participate in the process of making my dreams come true. The producer has asked for more details about some of the things that happened. He’s asked me to write them out. Not that the story needs more drama — I mean really, what could be more dramatic than an encounter with a sociopath? Every moment is filled with the angst and drama of the shifting sands of reality stirring up terror and fear in every gasping breath. Every day is replete with the drama he created to keep the veil of confusion sealed around me. The drama was part of what I became addicted to. It was part of what kept me ensnared in his unholy embrace, gasping for air as I drowned beneath the trauma of loving him.
It isn’t that the story needs more drama, but it does need specific moments that reveal the subtle manipulative mechanisms he employed to keep his Prince Charming mask in place.
And so, I’ve begun the process of writing out some of the events that I did not write about in The Dandelion Spirit. These are the events that were so painful, so numbing, so humbling that I have avoided looking at them — until now.
It’s been an interesting, not to mention surprising, process. Surprising because, some events still remain sensitive to light. Touching them hurts. And yet, in the process of writing them out, I let them out, I let them go. I cast light upon the shadows and release them to the past. In writing them out, the pain eases and I breathe more deeply the fresh clear air of gratitude and appreciation in which I live my life today.
The momentary pain of re-living the event eases as I face the sadness of having once been ”˜that woman’ back then who was so abused. Writing them out is good for me.
As I write, it is imperative that I remind myself — that was then, this is now. I cannot heal what I do not acknowledge. I cannot change what happened, nor the past. I can change its hold on me today.
I was hurt in that relationship. Deeply wounded. I fell hard. I fell fast. I fell.
Today, I am not that same woman who pleaded endlessly with ”˜her man’ to please forgive her for”¦.. Fill in the blanks. I asked him to forgive me for breathing in the end, for taking up room, for being part of his life. I spent most of my time begging for his forgiveness, all the while never acknowledging, forgiving him was not necessary — stopping his abuse in my life was.
In healing, I have let go of forgiving him — he doesn’t matter in my life today and forgiving him is for me, not him. In healing, I focus my attention on me and forgive myself. I forgive myself for holding myself in that place where he had permission and the latitude to abuse me. For lying to myself, for continually lying to the world as I tried desperately to pretend I was okay, that everything in my world was alright — that was a lie. I knew it then. I acknowledge it today and forgive myself with a loving heart.
In writing out the events I’ve never been able to speak of, I give myself permission to heal those areas of my heart that remain pocked with the pits of that time when I gave up on me and gave into a man who I believed had the right to abuse my love, faith, hope and trust.
It’s hard work writing out some of these events — but it’s good work. Healing. Soothing. It makes me joyful. For, in the writing out, I let it out and when I let it out it no longer hides uneasily in darkness within me.
In writing it out, I give myself permission to step into the beautiful light of my life today, freely, lovingly, completely. In writing it out, I acknowledge, what he did back then is nothing compared to what I am capable of doing today when I stand without fear and look into the mirror of my eyes and say, I love myself exactly the way I am. I am free.
You will never get closure or accountability from these people… They are emotionally retarded…. as hard as it is.. you just have to let it go….. I am thankful in many ways that I went through all of this with her…. it changed me in positive ways… self growth is painful, and many avoid it because it’s really hard to examine one’s self…. but it’s the best gift you can give to yourself…..I found it much easier to forgive her, then to forgive myself….I now have boundries… and I am able to detect the red flags in someone elses behaviour….. and most importantly, I am now able to tell the truth about my feelings instead of holding it in while someone tries to step on me…. I’m not afraid to hurt someone else’s feelings to keep my own from being hurt….I also have such a clear mental picture now of what a healthy relationship consists of…. in having this knowledge, I can make better, more healthy choices….so… now we all know what to look for, and how to avoid unhealthy relationships… yep.. had to learn it the hard way…. but thankful I got it… so now I look forward to the rest of my life, and to share with someone special who see’s my worth, my beauty, and loves me like I love myself. When you think of it all like that, it makes you look forward to putting your new wisdom into practice….. If you are a believer in Christ, then you know that everything happens for a reason…. She came into my life and at first gave great joy, but it soon became obvious that there was something wrong with her, and yes…. with me…. not that I was evil or heartless.. but I was willing to put what is true and right for me, to overlook my needs for someone else who never really gave a crap about me and my son…… All of this was a lesson I had to learn… yes.. it nearly destroyed me.. and it was extremely painful… but I came out of it with so much more then she would have ever been able to steal from me… We are the only one’s responsible for guarding our own heart. There is a scripture in Proverbs…..
The prudent see danger and take refuge, but the simple keep going and suffer for it.
Prov 27:12
None of us will be simple again…. we will all be prudent, see the danger, guard our heart, and move on……
Nicely spoken Southernman. I too am a beautiful person and I kept saying to him that he was acting as though he was the ‘prize’, when I am the prize – that I held onto – with a loose grip at times – but more firmly now. A web site I have found really useful is Melanie Tonia Evans, she has written books ‘ Take Back Your Power’ and ‘Breaking the Chains of Painful Love’. I too am spiritual and I have a written passage saying to love a man even in his sin, so I thought I was in a good place to share my goodness with him, that in loving someone who was of a lower denominator than myself, I could share some of my beauty and wisdom – but he didnt want it and he frequently told me so and he took no value in it. I thank God I had the courage to end it and I realise that I have to love myself first and foremost.
I dont know if I am going over the top – but would anyone agree that this dark malicious energy is a form of possession?
I would totally agree, Beverly. To me, they want to totally possess. That way they are in charge. The friend in my life wanted to dictate everything to me. I was the one who lent him the money, because I truly thought he meant what he said and I trusted him. When I was trying to get my money back, I had gotten a fish aquarium with Christmas money. He went so far as to comment on my spending money on it. I said, it’s my money. He wanted to determine my boundaries, but if I tried the same thing with him, he would get livid. All this push/pull became a constant game he played. It just caused me to question everything I did.
What a dark side, to plot and plan the demise of another person. Not physically, but emotionally. I have wondered what their ultimate goal is. What do they hope to gain? My catch phrase for me anymore, is, “what does it prove?” I ask myself that all the time. I figure too, if it won’t stand the test of time and eternity, it’s not worth it to me. I want what I do to count in God’s estimation of me. I don’t need the approval of a man.
I think we all come to the same conclusion. We were had, but we came through. Anyone who totally believes God’s words as truth, could almost hear Him say, I told you so. He warns us about those who flatter us. He tells us to not put confidence in the flesh. To guard our hearts. I guess I knew those words, but I had no idea that someone who told me they loved me would exploit my love. I didn’t think I had to guard my heart against someone I loved. I didn’t think the man I married only wanted to satisfy his lust at my expense but didn’t want me otherwise. But we live and learn. My heart goes out to the precious little ones in our world who don’t stand a chance with these kinds of people.
The news is full of the children who have their bodies used my some fiend who doesn’t care what he is doing to their minds, let alone their bodies. We truly live in a depraved state. I feel so much safer alone anymore. These men sure do a number on the part of us that use to know how to trust.
I’m sure we all have a story to tell and we could probably tell each others. As I’ve said, when we come to the end, we all feel the same way. No matter what form it took, the end result is the same. Depletion of so many emotions and the emptiness of feeling for that person. Truly a dark side, as far as they are concerned. And learning how to forgive, which doesn’t mean we have to go for more. It’s the part of letting go and healing our hearts and minds.
I think the question of demonic possession has crossed all of our minds……. we live in a fallen world.. it’s divided into light and dark….Light is Love, God is love… and for most of us, from conception, we have God’s love in our soul…He made us in the image of Him…..to serve Him, to serve one another….. Love is the at the core of all of this….. But… there are those who live in the darkness… They run and hide from the light, for the light is truth…..Satan is also very powerful, but not as powerful as God…. When someone gets pleasure and enjoyment from hurting others…… when they will not, or cannot love others as they love themselves… when selfishness, greed, manipulation, and unaccountability for their actions are paramount traits in their lives….. I would say that they are evil….. The question then becomes….. If they are evil, then does Satan own them? …If there is a chemical imbalance, a childhood trauma, a result of sociopathic parenting??? does this mean they are a inherently a evil person? My experience with a evil woman, in turn, made me run into the loving, protective arms of Christ… so, if that was Satan’s plan.. to hurt and destroy me, it backfired in a big way….. I don’t think we will ever know if a sociopath is possessed by demonic forces…. I believe they live in their own hell everyday… but since they don’t have a conscience, they can appear to be upbeat, positive people from the outside….. and as for accountability and justice….. I do know that they may not receive that here on earth, but there will be a day that they will stand before God.. and the book of life will be opened and they will have to give an account, like all of us will, on the life they led here on earth….. I for one, wouldn’t want to be in their shoes when that day comes for them….. I gave my sociopath to God…. He can deal with her so much better then I ever could. I have a conscience and it’s clean.
I must also say… that God controls everything.. Evil is not from God….but.. He allows evil to exist in this world…. We cannot understand His ways….. nor should we even attempt to… but there is one of two choices one can make… to live in light and love.. or to live in darkness and hate.
I think there is a correlation between the action of bodily chemicals and energy and the two are closely linked. That is how God designed us, as self functioning systems in a physical format, housing a spirit. On Melanie T. Evans website there is an article I think about having to be acquainted with the dark to truly be in the light. All my life I have struggled to make choices, many of them have backfired and I have chosen unwisely it turns out. I have learnt in future that God is the only one who can direct me. There is so much in these teachings, that I heard from childhood onwards – that now makes perfect sense to me. The negative energy perpetuates itself through its actions and the way it does that is through cunning deceit and covert behaviour, with a reward for the instigator – whether that is manifest in chemical pleasure feedback through the brain I dont know. During the ten or so breakups my ex and I had during the year and a half we went out, when he came back, I had always learnt something about myself during that breakup time. I used to say to him ‘ you are my greatest teacher’ and he used to look at me blankly. What I meant was that I had used the experience to keep growing. meanwhile he had gone absolutely nowhere, other than to think out how he was going to refine his approach with his next victim. He has tried older women, he is now going for younger ones.
Interesting comments about light, love, energy, God and biblical teachings we’ve been hearing since childhood that now make so much sense. My sociopath lives her life as a spiritual healer and a light-filled being, signs all her correspondence: “yours in light, love and laughter”, (none of which she is actually capable of) has even changed her last name (illegally) to Light and masquarades as a deeply spiritual person … but behind the facade, my oh my. A wolf in sheeps clothing for sure!! Talk about confusion setting in when all that is so carefully portrayed online and in her lifestyle is SUCH a lie.
You should see the facebook profile and the multitude of superficial friends that she’s got fooled. Recently, her own sister ‘dissed’ her when answering one of those “sickly sweet” questions right on the front page of her profile … needless to say, it wasn’t long before that section of the profile was deleted and the “family circle” was removed. Laughable yes, but sad that this medium is a haven for these freaks of nature.
I, too, believe that God is the purveyor of good. I want to walk in light and truth. Even though someone says they are Christian, we are to look at the fruit in their life. There are two fruits to determine our status with God. The fruit of the spirit vs the fruit of the flesh. It’s up to us to work out our own salvation according to the leading of the Spirit.
I wondered about the ones in my life that caused me the most distress if they were my test or reward. Truly a test, because they just forced me to seek shelter with God. Not many understand the significance of truly seeking Him. That’s all about leaning on His understanding and not our own.
I don’t know many men who take God’s precepts and apply them. The ones I know like to point out other’s but their own. I think we get our identity from God, but so often we allow someone to determine who we are by the way they treat us. I know I did. I thought because of the treatment of my husband and his family, I must be an awful person. It took many years of soul searching to find out they are the ones with the problem.
I guess I was able to take the lemons and make lemonade, as the saying goes. It’s all still a matter of choice. I choose to be positive. On that note, this man who proclaims he’s my friend, says that I’m negative where he’s concerned. I can’t make him see that’s because he does everything negative for me. What person is going to respond in a positive way to someone who stands them up, denies what they said or did, plus all the other garbage these kinds of people spread around. The real person is an angry one who has a very caustic way of speaking. Who wants to be with someone like that on a permanent basis? They can’t see that, because they think they are wonderful and are deserving of preferential treatment. We just can’t love them like they love their selves. They are out trying to prove something. I don’t have anything to prove. I just want to live and be free. And I am.
buzzibee… my socio volunteered at a womens shelter.. was a big sister to a 12 year old.. loved animals.. and would give money to someone on the side of the road if they looked downtroddened……….. I often wondered how someone could be compassionate towards others, but yet so mean and malacious towards me….. I think on some level.. they can do those kinds of things.. be nice, giving and so forth.. but there is no substance or depth behind it… they do it for themselves, and the more people who see their “good deeds” the better… Maybe in some in-personal way, it helps them to feel like normal people… to pretend to care, to go through the motions of volunteering… after all… they are doing what they do best… being fake and pretending.