I don’t spend a lot of time writing about ”˜what happened’ while I was with the sociopath. What happened cannot be changed. What can change is how I treat myself today. What I do today to create the beautiful life I deserve. In that process, I write about the triggers from the past that sometimes erupt and their impact on my life today. I find too much ruminating over what happened in the there and then affects my here and now. It holds me back from living each moment of my day with joyful abandon.
Recently, however, a producer approached me about taking my book, The Dandelion Spirit, and turning it into a movie.
Wow. Cool. Weird.
Love it, even though part of me is scared it’s just a joke. It isn’t true — vestiges of the sociopathic encounter that would have me believe the world is not a safe and loving place.
In acknowledging I deserve my success, I have to participate in the process of making my dreams come true. The producer has asked for more details about some of the things that happened. He’s asked me to write them out. Not that the story needs more drama — I mean really, what could be more dramatic than an encounter with a sociopath? Every moment is filled with the angst and drama of the shifting sands of reality stirring up terror and fear in every gasping breath. Every day is replete with the drama he created to keep the veil of confusion sealed around me. The drama was part of what I became addicted to. It was part of what kept me ensnared in his unholy embrace, gasping for air as I drowned beneath the trauma of loving him.
It isn’t that the story needs more drama, but it does need specific moments that reveal the subtle manipulative mechanisms he employed to keep his Prince Charming mask in place.
And so, I’ve begun the process of writing out some of the events that I did not write about in The Dandelion Spirit. These are the events that were so painful, so numbing, so humbling that I have avoided looking at them — until now.
It’s been an interesting, not to mention surprising, process. Surprising because, some events still remain sensitive to light. Touching them hurts. And yet, in the process of writing them out, I let them out, I let them go. I cast light upon the shadows and release them to the past. In writing them out, the pain eases and I breathe more deeply the fresh clear air of gratitude and appreciation in which I live my life today.
The momentary pain of re-living the event eases as I face the sadness of having once been ”˜that woman’ back then who was so abused. Writing them out is good for me.
As I write, it is imperative that I remind myself — that was then, this is now. I cannot heal what I do not acknowledge. I cannot change what happened, nor the past. I can change its hold on me today.
I was hurt in that relationship. Deeply wounded. I fell hard. I fell fast. I fell.
Today, I am not that same woman who pleaded endlessly with ”˜her man’ to please forgive her for”¦.. Fill in the blanks. I asked him to forgive me for breathing in the end, for taking up room, for being part of his life. I spent most of my time begging for his forgiveness, all the while never acknowledging, forgiving him was not necessary — stopping his abuse in my life was.
In healing, I have let go of forgiving him — he doesn’t matter in my life today and forgiving him is for me, not him. In healing, I focus my attention on me and forgive myself. I forgive myself for holding myself in that place where he had permission and the latitude to abuse me. For lying to myself, for continually lying to the world as I tried desperately to pretend I was okay, that everything in my world was alright — that was a lie. I knew it then. I acknowledge it today and forgive myself with a loving heart.
In writing out the events I’ve never been able to speak of, I give myself permission to heal those areas of my heart that remain pocked with the pits of that time when I gave up on me and gave into a man who I believed had the right to abuse my love, faith, hope and trust.
It’s hard work writing out some of these events — but it’s good work. Healing. Soothing. It makes me joyful. For, in the writing out, I let it out and when I let it out it no longer hides uneasily in darkness within me.
In writing it out, I give myself permission to step into the beautiful light of my life today, freely, lovingly, completely. In writing it out, I acknowledge, what he did back then is nothing compared to what I am capable of doing today when I stand without fear and look into the mirror of my eyes and say, I love myself exactly the way I am. I am free.
I’ve watched the ones in my life give to so many way before me. I had to have knee surgery last year and my socio friend stopped in to see me the day before. He told me he would call after the surgery and to make a list of anything I might need and he would do my running for me. When he stopped, I didn’t need much but some gauze and tape because my incision started to bleed. I asked him if he would go to the store like he said. He said he couldn’t because he was too busy, to get a fellow who had an apartment where I worked to go and get it. I was so shocked that someone could be that calloused, especially just a day after he said he would. What causes them to be like this? How can they ever expect someone to really care for them? I realize that I’ve done so much grieving over the years, that if God takes them before me, I don’t know that I’ll have any grief left. I’ve read that the depth of our love can be determined by our grief. I would say that the love is definitely gone.
Apt/mgr – I really feel for your anxiety – why do they do it etc etc. But by exploring the web I have found many answers to my own questions, like those of yours. In the end at Southernman put it, you just cant match your reality of thinking with their reality – they are totally different – and although we want to make sense of the loose ends – it is just impossible. My parting words to my ex were – I suggest we meet for you to explain all the loose ends – not suprisingly he did a runner!! Ha.
Strangely, my estranged brother has just contacted me out of the blue, after some years of absence, when he screwed my mind over our mother’s death. He says he wants to heal the relationship. I am feeling very cautious about this and I am going to give him one shot at what he has to say. As I said to my friend, if he tries to gloss over things or avoid apology – it will be no contact with him as well.
I was just reading a valentines card my ex sent me it says – Valentine, Lots of Love from you know who… (inside it says) or do you? I was always getting the double message from him. Mind you at times I think I played the double double bluff on him. Just been on the MSN site, some great information there. And the links on this site regarding obsessional thinking have really given me some good practical ideas to work with. I know I am out of balance at present, and I feel in fighting spirit. I think now I must have explored every nook and cranny of it all and it all sounds so very familiar!!
P.S. Im in the garden at the moment burning all the love notes he sent me and the photos of him. I was waiting for the right moment to do this – and now seems a good enough time.
I have suffered a fair amount of mental abuse from my brother too over the years – And my brother is a psychotherapist!
Yes, apt/mgr. When my ex went back to his hometown, I asked him to get me 7 stones off the beach, so I could do hot stone massage for my painful back – of course he made some pathetic excuse for not bringing them back. I hoped that the next time he went there he would look at the millions of stones on the beach and think ‘why couldnt I do that for her’. But I am kidding myself, he just wasnt bothered. Infact when I told him stuff about myself my fav. meals etc, I used to quiz him on the answers, and he never knew because he just wasnt interested. He pulled a good prank on me in June this year. On the day of my daughter’s 18th birthday, he feigned having a heart attack, and I was then torn between taking him to hospital and taking my daughter for her birthday meal. A month before that he said he was having a heart attack, and I waited with him in hospital (strangely none of his family, who live close by, visited him). I even cooked him special meals low in fat, but I think he was kidding me, to see how much I would stand by him. What a prat he was!
Beverly,
Go you. I just got back from an errand and this friend who did so much damage to me and got the money out of me was there. I haven’t seen him since I said I don’t want his friendship. I was curious to see if I had any “twinge” when I saw him. I was amazed that nothing happened. I kind of feel contempt for him. I rationalize most everything, and I told him before, that I’m just one of many and there are lots and lots more women he can do. He has had so many, and I had been so blinded by my despair, and thought from his attention, that I’m the one. I sure was. I was the one he duped and manipulated. But he never got to finish what he started.
As I looked at him from a distance, I wondered what I ever saw in him. He’s losing his looks. His hair is thinning and he looks old. I thought, too, that’s the man who really did a number on me. He’s oblivious to the obvious. I just can’t make myself believe that they really can’t see what they’ve done and can’t understand why we don’t want them around. I’ve heard from him, “I’ll make it up to you”. He sure did. I’m seeing the real him as a cruel man with a very caustic way of speaking.
I, too, have a sibling who hasn’t spoken with me for over 3 years. I tried to explain to her why I’m where I’m at in this stage of my life and how what was with my husband, wasn’t. She became so nasty and said that maybe some people create their own hell, (meaning me) and followed that conversation with a letter telling me what a selfish, self-centered person I was, along with other demeaning remarks. I have to wonder about her personality. It used to bother me about these people, but I no longer care what they think of me. I know in my heart I didn’t do to them what was done to me. I’ve allowed God to search my heart and asked that He would reveal anything I need to ask forgiveness for. But I know there is nothing, because I did nothing to be punished in the way they did to me.
But I still feel, oh so good. I’ve found the longer I’m away from these people the easier it is to forget them. That’s a part of the healing of the mind we all need. I sometimes actually have to concentrate to try and remember their looks. I’m much calmer in my spirit, too. Not troubled with the thoughts that use to trouble me. I just don’t care enough anymore. And it’s getting easier to not care. I can pray for their souls without having to endure their presence. I refuse to make anything easy for any of them. If any one wants something, they have to work for it.
Apt/Mgr – The Bottom Line is that someone who GENUINELY cares about you and loves you will show that to you in a consistent and caring way, they will not manipulate you or pretend to love you, you will feel good around them, they will always act in your best interests. My ex played a lot of mean pranks on me. After preparing Christmas dinner and getting presents etc, he cancelled saying he had to work shifts. He manipulated me sexually too. He often went on holiday alone, and this summer on the day he was coming back he started sending messages – I miss you, Iam going to cuddle you etc etc, I cant wait to see you – meet me at the station and we can have a nice cuddle that evening. Like a fool, I met him at the station, bought him a drink, took him and his luggage home, then he cancelled the evening – he used me for a lift home! These people are only after one thing – the power and domination of OWNING another person, thus they cast a mean spell, as Southernman put it. We will learn not to be duped by these people again. Like your ex friend, my ex is gruff and agressive – I dont know what i saw in him, but he has no problem in charming women and he is onto his next one now. When I first met him, he told me his family are number one, i couldnt make sense of that – now Imake sense of all his ploys and setups – and at the end of the day,, that is all it is – IT is a charade, it is not genuine and these people seek to harm and put us in pain to achieve their satisfaction and pleasure. NO WAY
These people have an underlying motive – in the name of love – they want to rob us on every level – our good nature, our possessions, our dignity, our wellbeing, our spirit and vitality, our peace of mind, our bodies, our minds and thinking, our energy, our identity. This dark energy wants to deplete and degrade us, bring us down and do away with us. This is a crime at the very worst level.
I was in denial for so long because I couldn’t make myself accept that a fellow human being could be so cruel. I did so many comparisons and finally realized they really do have a dark side. I always thought we got what we gave. I don’t give to get, but it’s my nature to be giving. Only because I care. I never thought I’d have to be in competition with someone who was to be the male part of the equation. I’m tired of doing both parts. I realize too, that my husband was jealous of his own children. He just couldn’t get it that I wasn’t his mother. I think, too, that my ex friend saw me as a mother figure, too, even though he would have done the sex thing had I been able. I’m so glad I held back.
He said that friends have sex, so that told me he goes around having sex with his friends. That’s not me. If there’s no love, there’s no sex. I tried to show him by example how to conduct a real relationship, but I know now that he was just acting, for my benefit. They are like chameleons. They adapt in whatever environment they are in at the time. I think they do everything to get the love they seek, only as a reward, but they have nothing to give back. I had a male tenant several years ago who admitted he was a sex addict. He had been married several times and had lots of women on the side. He said his women fell for him and he used them and he took them for granted because he didn’t have to work for their love. They gave it willingly. I kind of did my own survey and asked several men, who bed hopped, why. I asked too, if they’d ever been in love. The one said he loved his first wife and she cheated on him. He said after that, every women he slept with he imagined he was cheating on her. Another said he just used his current woman and imagined she was his ex every time they had sex. Another would call his estranged wife from his girlfriends bed. There were several more, but the consensus is the same. They have very sick minds and they are totally driven by sex. They just do the rest of life because they have to, but sex is the greatest motivating factor. When they are looking for better and better, and we just happen to be in their line of vision, and we show any interest, we become their target.
I’ve been toyed with so much being married, then this friend who just wanted a sexual relationship with me, that I don’t think I can ever trust another man. In my mind, they are all the same. I don’t want to relinquish my body again, knowing I’m just a fill in. I wonder what a lot of them are going to do when they can no longer function.
But at least I didn’t have to go to my grave not knowing. I thought I needed to be fulfilled as a woman, and I really am. That’s for me to do and not a mere man. I don’t need a man to determine who I am and form my boundaries. What I have is mine to do with as I choose. Just like their’s is. Besides it’s too much drama. I like tranquility, solitude, peace and quiet. I can’t deal with confrontation. I’ve said I’m a realist who is also an idealist and the two just don’t mesh. I just don’t think there’s any need for the constant vying for attention. I don’t crave attention and don’t need it to survive, but apparently the ones I’ve been with do. They will have to get it elsewhere, because they are way too much maintenance for me. I can’t understand that kind of need. It looks like we are all coming to the same conclusion at the same time. For me, only because I’m done with the games. I don’t know how to play, so I quit and am just going to live and love those who don’t abuse it.
The person I had to learn to trust the most was myself. In coming through that relationship I realized that I have a habit of trusting the untrustworthy — not because they deserve it, but rather because I believed it was necessary.
In learning to trust myself, I trust myself to do what is right and caring and loving of me. In trusting myself, I know that I place trust judiciously, where it is warranted — and not because someone tells me I must trust them.
In that process I have opened myself up to being a trusting woman — because I know I can trust myself to take appropriate action at all times, in all situations.
I am now in a relationship, and I trust myself enough to know I will not give myself away. I might get ‘hurt’ but the hurt will be because what happens between us is not meant to be forever. It won’t be based on my giving myself to him, but rather on my sharing myself with him in a trusting, loving, caring way — which also means taking care of me.
I too am done with games. Life is far to beautiful and precious to waste on playing games.
ML