I don’t spend a lot of time writing about ”˜what happened’ while I was with the sociopath. What happened cannot be changed. What can change is how I treat myself today. What I do today to create the beautiful life I deserve. In that process, I write about the triggers from the past that sometimes erupt and their impact on my life today. I find too much ruminating over what happened in the there and then affects my here and now. It holds me back from living each moment of my day with joyful abandon.
Recently, however, a producer approached me about taking my book, The Dandelion Spirit, and turning it into a movie.
Wow. Cool. Weird.
Love it, even though part of me is scared it’s just a joke. It isn’t true — vestiges of the sociopathic encounter that would have me believe the world is not a safe and loving place.
In acknowledging I deserve my success, I have to participate in the process of making my dreams come true. The producer has asked for more details about some of the things that happened. He’s asked me to write them out. Not that the story needs more drama — I mean really, what could be more dramatic than an encounter with a sociopath? Every moment is filled with the angst and drama of the shifting sands of reality stirring up terror and fear in every gasping breath. Every day is replete with the drama he created to keep the veil of confusion sealed around me. The drama was part of what I became addicted to. It was part of what kept me ensnared in his unholy embrace, gasping for air as I drowned beneath the trauma of loving him.
It isn’t that the story needs more drama, but it does need specific moments that reveal the subtle manipulative mechanisms he employed to keep his Prince Charming mask in place.
And so, I’ve begun the process of writing out some of the events that I did not write about in The Dandelion Spirit. These are the events that were so painful, so numbing, so humbling that I have avoided looking at them — until now.
It’s been an interesting, not to mention surprising, process. Surprising because, some events still remain sensitive to light. Touching them hurts. And yet, in the process of writing them out, I let them out, I let them go. I cast light upon the shadows and release them to the past. In writing them out, the pain eases and I breathe more deeply the fresh clear air of gratitude and appreciation in which I live my life today.
The momentary pain of re-living the event eases as I face the sadness of having once been ”˜that woman’ back then who was so abused. Writing them out is good for me.
As I write, it is imperative that I remind myself — that was then, this is now. I cannot heal what I do not acknowledge. I cannot change what happened, nor the past. I can change its hold on me today.
I was hurt in that relationship. Deeply wounded. I fell hard. I fell fast. I fell.
Today, I am not that same woman who pleaded endlessly with ”˜her man’ to please forgive her for”¦.. Fill in the blanks. I asked him to forgive me for breathing in the end, for taking up room, for being part of his life. I spent most of my time begging for his forgiveness, all the while never acknowledging, forgiving him was not necessary — stopping his abuse in my life was.
In healing, I have let go of forgiving him — he doesn’t matter in my life today and forgiving him is for me, not him. In healing, I focus my attention on me and forgive myself. I forgive myself for holding myself in that place where he had permission and the latitude to abuse me. For lying to myself, for continually lying to the world as I tried desperately to pretend I was okay, that everything in my world was alright — that was a lie. I knew it then. I acknowledge it today and forgive myself with a loving heart.
In writing out the events I’ve never been able to speak of, I give myself permission to heal those areas of my heart that remain pocked with the pits of that time when I gave up on me and gave into a man who I believed had the right to abuse my love, faith, hope and trust.
It’s hard work writing out some of these events — but it’s good work. Healing. Soothing. It makes me joyful. For, in the writing out, I let it out and when I let it out it no longer hides uneasily in darkness within me.
In writing it out, I give myself permission to step into the beautiful light of my life today, freely, lovingly, completely. In writing it out, I acknowledge, what he did back then is nothing compared to what I am capable of doing today when I stand without fear and look into the mirror of my eyes and say, I love myself exactly the way I am. I am free.
But now we know, understand and have suffered the rules of their game, we know it better. The problem for me was, that I knew the behaviour was odd, bizarre, dramatic, virtually from the beginning – but because I hadnt heart of a sociopath, I couldnt fit the pieces together and kept thinking – perhaps I AM being too needy, too possessive, too suspicious, too jealous. I kept taking the bait and taking the responsibility whilst he seemed to be able to distance him self scott free of any responsibility, blame or anything else, whilst he punished me from the dark shadows. If I brought up anything about his behavoiur he would disappear, depriving me of his company and being out of communication reach, using his mobile phone to hide behind. When I first met him he sent me 48 text messages the first night – the week I finished with him, I could not communicate or find him at all. He was very careful not to ‘invest’ himself in the relationship, but he was clever enough to keep the ball rolling from time to time by giving me compliments, flowers, declarations of love etc. He has found himself another victim and a job in a building virtually full of women. I have realised so much over the last month. The thing that swung it for me at the start of knowing him, despite my reservations about him (he looked gruff), was I made some basic flaws in my thinking and trusting his statements which were designed to put me off the track. The love of opera, I thought was mark of refinement, it was not. My father loved opera too. Just shows you how wrong you can be in your judgement of people. At the beginning we are not aware of them choosing us, to enmesh us in their game. When we met, he told me he knew immediately ‘I was the one’, I took this as a compliment – I later came to realise what that actually meant. He knew I had no family to protect me, and the only other man in my life, my daughter’s father – despite not having been in a relationship for 19 years with him, my ex MADE me phone him up to tell him ‘he’ was now in the frame – he blocked my protection routes – but he couldnt silence me. The very qualitie in me, my rebelliousness which my family used to put me down for, have been my saving grace.
As I keep reading all these comments, I want to say, did we switch places? These people aren’t the unique ones they want us to believe they are. I had so many reservations from the get go, but I truly thought I was being judgmental and I didn’t want that to hinder what could become a real relationship. I’m all about real. But they sure can fool a person, especially someone like myself who was battered and bruised from a man who had so much emotional baggage.
I always thought everyone processed their baggage, but I guess that’s why they call it baggage. They are packed ready to go. For me, whatever baggage I would have, I don’t take it out on others and could never understand what I ever did to deserve the treatment. The punishment wasn’t worthy of the crime. I guess it was just the crime of being and not doing.
I had no idea that people walk around without knowing who they are and just use other people’s reaction to determine what they should do. I never knew someone could be so cruel as to mess with a person’s mind and emotions and just use them for sex and satisfaction. I have come so far, and I have my eyes wide open now. I’ve learned to trust somewhat, but I’m so much more discerning. It’s okay to say no. I don’t have to avail myself just for the sake of satisfying someone’s lust. If there isn’t real love involved, I’m not there. If there isn’t a genuine give and take, I’m done. I will not stoop to someone’s level, just to keep someone around. I don’t need it.
For so long, this ex-friend of mine, would keep doing things and I was so needy that I let him, because I figured if I defended myself in any way, I’d lose him. I didn’t have him to begin with. He was on another page all the time. I can’t figure how two people can walk and talk together, and share their bodies, only to be in two different worlds. I still say something is wrong in their sex drive that causes them to do really weird things. I have heard from so many, that once the divorce is final, or the breakup has occurred, they are better friends than ever. But when they were together and sharing their bodies, they hated each other. There’s something radically misdirected. But in my case, sex and lack there of, caused me so many problems. All push/pull, love me/hate me. I never knew where I stood. All I ever got were vague answers. No absolutes. So I started giving those kinds of answers and it was met with, can’t I be more specific. So I took to turning the tables, and doing just what they(my husband, then my friend)did. Really bugged them.
I’ve learned to evaluate the conversation and to really listen. I won’t be taken again. I have many male tenants who will come to my office and ask me point blank to have sex with them. I politely tell them no and what they don’t hear, is not in this lifetime. Those kind I can deal with because I know where their mind is to begin with. It’s the cunning ones who act like they have no hidden agenda and will bait. I was baited and I took it. That was before. This is now and even though I had to pay a price, I’m so much better for it. I’ve learned the only way I will help someone, is if I know the need is genuine. Then I usually point them in the direction of human services!! I no longer give willingly, unless I know what it’s really all about. I won’t take care of another man, unless I’m his caregiver and I’m getting paid to do it. I won’t pay another man’s bills, while he uses his money for his pleasure. I reflect and can see what I couldn’t see before and I’ve lost total respect for the men in my life who devalued me and took without giving. I have love for God and because of that, I can feel sorry for these kinds of people, who don’t know how to love. I’m glad I marched to a different beat. That’s what kept me going.
To ML,
I love what you say about Trust. That is one of the biggest lessons in this… that we gave ourselves away in the name of trust.
Now, we are learning to trust ourselves… with ourselves and with our own well being. I did not take care of my well being when I was with the Bad Man… not at all.
I have definately learned a lot about boundaries and about giving all my trust to anyone. I am more careful now with this but still I can feel a pull inside and I have to listen to the inner voice (a new inner voice) that is telling me, “No, don’t say that.” I have always been so open and transparent. It is a constant struggle for not to be… I am just wired that way.
Anyway, thanks for sharing your thoughts. I am now going to attempt to work on that survey. I think I have been putting that off.
Aloha.. E.R.
To Alohatraveler. I relate to what you say – I am like that too, I would often put others before myself. Although I must say that my instincts and suspicions were working, but that is no good if we dont act on them firmly. I also had very soft boundaries, as I am a ‘go with the flow’ type of person. But I have realised that in making myself so flexible, I am therefore making myself ripe to be exploited.
I have tried to live an altruistic lifestyle. I ended up becoming a co-dependent to the point where I didn’t exist. I was genderless. I trusted the wrong ones and I allowed a sexual attraction to determine the amount of trust I extended. That was my biggest mistake. Sex is an emotion and we can’t use it as a measuring stick in determining the relationship. It took me a long time and a lot of observation, to finally have an aha moment. If life isn’t good out of bed, and it is in, then it’s only sex and nothing more. I can’t trust on the idea that if sex is good and the attraction is there, then it’s okay to open myself up for all the rest a relationship contains. All that ends up doing is causing us to turn a blind eye to what they are really doing to us. What lessons learned.
This is my first post. Can’t tell you what it means to me to have found this sight. I have found a few books who have helped me to ‘understand’ what happened to me, but not one, as of yet, has dealt with recovery. The subject of religion has prompted me to write this post. My sociopath used religion as his excuse to completely level me TWICE and I knew both times that he was using God to excuse what was truly an act of selfish and evil behavior. Begs the question, if I saw it the first time, why was there a second??? Don’t think I need to explain that to anyone reading this. Anyway, just wanted to tell anyone dealing with this, my counselor, my christian counselor, pointed something out to me that may be of help to you.
God will NOT be mocked – not for long. I believe that all sins are equal, ultimately in God’s eyes. The only difference between sins is the consequences here on earth. But this applies to BELIEVERS who struggle to be faithful. Sociopaths/psychopaths do not fall into this category. When they quote scripture and use God to rationalize their behavior to others, they are mocking God. HE will not be mocked, not for long. They WILL answer for it. Have faith.
To enlightened,
I too, believe a day of reckoning is coming. God says we will reap what we sow. He says His words will not return to Him void, meaning that He means what He says. But the best part is that He is merciful to those undeserving of mercy. All of us. I just wish the ones in my life who caused me the most pain, would realize that in God’s eyes we all fall short. Not just me, as they would believe. We extend mercy because we want mercy. I thank God that He has given me the ability to love and not hate. A friend asked me if I hated my husband for all that happened, and I said, I don’t know how to hate. I’ve felt I’ve been hated, but I love God and God says whoever says they love Him but hates his fellowman is a liar. I don’t go around making enemies. I want friends but I become so paranoid that I begin to wonder what they see that they want to hurt me so. I’ve grown a much tougher exterior and don’t take the barbs personally anymore. I consider the source and pray that God would be able to shine His light on them. I think they walk in darkness. They don’t like the light because it will expose them and they seem too proud to admit to any failings. What a sad state to have to live in a mind that is constantly trying to deceive and disengage people and catch them unawares. I want to trust someone again and enjoy the fruits of a real relationship. I just know if I let down my guard again, I’ll constantly be waiting for the other shoe to drop.
Trying to find a real man who follows God’s precepts is very difficult. Even the Christian community is being taken in by men who proclaim God, but in secret they are doing their dirty deeds. How could a shepherd of the flock stand in the pulpit and preach morality to his people, knowing he’s out there soliciting sex from gays or prostitutes?
In my walk through life, I find men who have a little bit of God and they think they are God. Like that gives them the right to do what they do. I have a friend, who when I first met him and questioned something he did, held up his hands and said, “See the nail prints?” That stopped me in my tracks and made me wonder how he really saw himself. Did he think he was so pure that he was Christ? I’ve been so confused by the men who had been in my life, that I doubt whether I’d recognize a real one. They wear a facade and I keep waiting for it to slip. They even appear to be real Christians. Then it’s such a disappointment to find out just what their character speaks of them.
But I digress. For your recovery, I think it will take time. I don’t think there is any instant formula and viola, you’re whole again. The whole episode of the relationship has to be processed. The mind and heart have to heal. I know for me, I keep searching for answers and I don’t think there is just one right answer. They all apply, but I wanted to fix what seemed so messed up with the man, but I have to take care of me and he can do the same. I just finally know through this site and some others, that I’m okay and you’re okay. We just happened to be in their line of vision. But for me, I think everything happens for a purpose. I believe there are forces of good and evil at work in our world. All one has to do is watch the news and read what is happening to people the world over. That’s evil. Ones definition of love is definitely different from another’s. Especially if his love takes the form of control. Then it isn’t love. There should be freedom in love. I didn’t have that freedom. I do now, but I’m not “in love”. And don’t think it will happen. I have high standards and don’t want to lower them to the point I did before and got lost in a man. I can’t risk losing that part of me ever again. I no longer want surprises like that in my life. I wait before God for Him to make all things possible and He does. He has healed my mind and broken heart. Christ said He came to bind up the broken hearted and I was one and He did and He will continue to do so.
Hello Enlightened, Welcome to this place of healing hearts and soaring spirits.
As apt/mgr says, it takes time. And energy and a belief that you deserve to live a life of beauty, free of abuse, free of lies, free of being less than, other than, the most awesome human being you are meant to be.
When I first started my healing journey I decided that what was most important for me was to focus on me — to love myself, exactly the way I am, and to acknowledge my beauty — and my beast. The beast is for me, that wounded, terrified, frightened woman who doesn’t stand in her light because she is afraid of being 100% accountable for herself.
Four+ years after that debacle with the sociopath, my beast still occassionaly rises up and tries to over-power my belief in me. When he does, I embrace him, love him and soothe him. And then I focus once again on standing in my light, on standing, in love.
Standing in love has been a gift for me. In love doesn’t mean being in love with another (though that is also true for me today), it means standing in my truth, my beauty, my joy, my spirit.
You have come to a good place to heal Enlightened. Keep reading, keep sharing, and keep turning up for you. You deserve your rapt attention.
ML
I’ve learned that I don’t have to own the problems of other people. I came with this idea of taking responsibility for other people and that I should be able to get them to see what they are doing, then if nothing happens, I blame myself. It took me a long time of self analysis to realize they were here in life before me, so whatever problems they have were there before me. They just used me as a convenient target. I became their scape goat and took the mantle willingly. That was the beginning of the demise of the person I was to begin with, before I allowed someone to determine my boundaries.
We are all created separately and we are individuals. There’s nothing written that we have to take ownership for someone’s failures and misery. If we are strong in our own right, we can help someone become the best they can be, but they have to ask. The ones in question in my life thought they weren’t flawed in any way and wanted to keep pointing out my failings. I had such an inferiority complex by that time, I believed I had no worth. But the tide changed in my favor, and I finally realized they are the ones with the flaws. No wonder no one wanted to stay married to them. You never know which man is going to show up, so you wait in trepidation, not knowing what to say for fear it will be all wrong. What a dismal way to live.
Being on this side, I can see where I went wrong, but I’m much stronger now and know that what I was feeling inside, was just my gut instinct telling me to watch out. I’ve learned to follow that and I’m most always right. I’m right to hesitate and just wait and see. Truth will prevail. My instincts don’t let me down.
Apt/mgr — Yes! Yes! Yes! You wrote: I came with this idea of taking responsibility for other people and that I should be able to get them to see what they are doing, then if nothing happens, I blame myself. It took me a long time of self analysis to realize they were here in life before me, so whatever problems they have were there before me.
What great insight. Thank you for sharing. I’m in awe. ML