Romantic relationships with sociopaths always turn out badly. You end up with a broken heart — for starters. You may also end up with your hopes, sense of self and perhaps even your understanding of humanity shattered. When that happens, how do you recover?
Not long ago a woman posted the following comment about sociopaths on one of my Youtube videos:
“They target those with more empathy. As someone who used to be very empathic, I feel like he ruined me. I don’t feel like a normal person, idk how to live anymore. My brain doesn’t know what to do, ever.”
I understand how this Lovefraud viewer feels, and perhaps you do too.
Empaths
Involvements with sociopaths are particularly devastating for empaths.
WebMD explains that although it is not an official psychological term, an “empath” is generally understood to be someone who is extremely attuned to the feelings of others. If you’re an empath, you’re sensitive and empathetic. You’re a good listener and have strong intuition.
This makes you a wonderful friend and partner, but empaths may also face some challenges — setting boundaries is often difficult. Intimacy may feel overwhelming. You may spend so much time helping others with their problems that you experience compassion fatigue.
For sociopaths, empaths are big, juicy targets. Martha Stout, Ph.D, author of The Sociopath Next Door,writes that the strategy sociopaths use the most to manipulate people is the pity play — an appeal to your sympathy. So, when charming sociopaths target highly sympathetic empaths, the empaths don’t stand a chance.
Betrayal
Romantic relationships with sociopaths typically lead to betrayal — it’s just a matter of how soon the betrayal comes and how bad it is. Why is this?
First of all, sociopaths do not have the ability to authentically love. Real love means caring about the wellbeing of the other person. Real love includes the ability to be concerned about someone else’s needs and put them before yourself when necessary. Sociopaths can’t do it.
They may proclaim their love, and they may appear to be kind and giving in the beginning. But it’s all an act to hook you, reel you in, and convince you to give them what they want.
In truth, sociopaths view you as an object to be used. They want what they want, when they want it and how they want it. They feel perfectly entitled to use you to achieve their objectives. So, sociopaths convince you to pay their bills, give them a place to live, sleep with them, take care of their kids, solve their problems — whatever they want at the moment.
You do your best to comply. Then you find out that the sociopath has been lying, cheating, stealing — whatever. Your so-called romantic partner has one or more side pieces who are also providing money or services. In fact, the other poor chump has heard all the same promises and lies that you’ve heard.
Shock and ruin
You are shocked. It’s not just that you’ve been lied to or cheated on. The sociopath’s behavior violates your longstanding, lifelong models of what it means to be human and how people should act.
You probably believe in the Golden Rule — treat others the way you want to be treated. That’s how you live your life — it’s an integral part of your identity. It’s how you expect others to live — especially when they are constantly proclaiming their love to you.
But now you’ve learned what your partner has really been up to. This person wasn’t just rude or mean to you. Your entire involvement was built on lies — the biggest being that he or she cared about you.
You didn’t know it was possible for a human being to be so callous and cruel. Not only are you betrayed, but your assumptions about how the world works and how people treat each other have been smashed.
This is why you feel ruined. The Germans have a concept called weltanschauung, which means your world view, your philosophy, your view of life. You thought you knew the rules. You thought that if you followed the rules, others would also.
But you encountered a sociopath, for whom the rules mean nothing. This really pulls the rug out from under you. Suddenly, nothing makes any sense, your weltanschauung has been shattered, and you don’t know how to move forward.
Recovery
Upon discovering the betrayal, you’ll probably feel numb for a while. This means your body is protecting you. You’ve endured a shock so great that you cannot yet handle your thoughts and emotions about the experience. So, your mind goes blank and your emotions go flat. My guess is that this is what our Lovefraud viewer meant when she said her brain didn’t know what to do.
Slowly, however, the shock will wear off. You can help it along by grounding yourself. Pay attention to your physical surroundings and sensations — what do you see around you? What can you hear, smell, taste or touch?
Slowly, you return to your body. Then you can take the most important step in your recovery — acceptance.
Acceptance
Acceptance DOES NOT MEAN that the sociopath’s behavior is acceptable. Not at all. It DOES MEAN that you accept reality — whatever happened, did, in fact, happen.
The sociopath intentionally did what he or she did, and you were damaged. The sociopath does not care that you were damaged. In fact, the sociopath probably thinks it’s your fault that you were damaged — after all, you were the one who believed the lies.
Acceptance means coming to terms with what the sociopath did to you. It also means wrapping your head around the fact that the entire way you looked at life, your weltanschauung, was flawed.
Acceptance can seem daunting, but it is possible, and crucial. In order to move forward, you must first see clearly where you are.
Recovery
You may need to address critical practical issues, like finding a new job or a new place to live. But real recovery, overcoming the feeling of being ruined, is emotional recovery.
Betrayal, anger, grief, disappointment, pain, devastation, shame — feelings like these cause turmoil within us. Instead of burying the difficult emotions, it’s best to let them rise to the surface, in a safe way, so they can be released. That’s where the healing is.
It will be a bumpy ride for a while, but healing is possible. You are stronger than you know. When you choose recovery, eventually you realize that your thoughts of “he ruined me” are not true. Yes, you’ve been dinged, and you are not the same person that you were before the sociopath. But with acceptance and letting go of the troubling emotions, you grow.
You integrate the experience, developing an awareness of both the light and dark sides of life. Then you can meet the future with maturity and wisdom.
Learn more: FREE! Your first step towards real recovery from narcissistic abuse and trauma
I met a romantic scammer on Instagram