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By | August 7, 2015 106 Comments

Zora, Another Girlfriend-Sociopaths and Sex Addiction

Women Turnover

I could never make sense of the turn over of women.  I would think to myself, there is no way that he is actually sleeping with these women, maybe flirting.  With the speed of turn over that he would have with these women, in addition to the fact that there were more than several going on at once, I could not fathom.  Unfortunately it is possible, and it happens all the time.  It’s called sex addiction.

As all of this was going on; my mind felt like it was on fire.  I would try to think and rationalize and make sense of what was happening, but I could not.  For me I hadn’t really heard of sex addiction, nor had made any connections to the spath about it at that point.  It sure would have helped me put the puzzle pieces together about what was going on a lot sooner if I had.

Zora the Testosterone Provider

A year after my daughter was born we visited his parents in his home country.  After a very, very long trip to get to Central America with a baby, we finally made it into the hotel room in the city.  Of course he left me and the baby there so he could go out.  For moments I was at rest in the quiet, but then also felt strange being so far from home and alone in an unfamiliar place.

There was the itch.  The detective-like urge that controls your life when you know your spouse is being unfaithful.  You want to know what is really going on.  You want to come out from under their cloud; out of the shadows you live under.  I realized that he had left his phone in the room to charge.

There was a burning inside me to check it to see if I could uncover something that would incriminate him enough for me to leave him.  I wanted all this wondering to be over.

So I picked up the phone and started to go through it.  By this time I knew where to check, all the hiding places on the phone, all the deleted stuff.  I didn’t have to go that far.  Scrolling through the text messages I found a conversation with a girl named Zora.

The spath was bragging to her about his office, which I decorated and leased, and was asking her for testosterone shots.  I believe she was in the medical field of some sort.  She had sent a picture of her, surprisingly clothed, and she looked nothing like what I thought his “type” was.  I thought to myself, it couldn’t be.  I didn’t know he was into women like that.  Apparently he wasn’t really into women like that, he was just into women period.

Stab in the Heart…Again

Then the dagger.  After several attempts on his end to get her to meet with him and her conflicting schedule, he finally mentioned for her to take her Wednesday off work and that they could spend the whole day together.  My heart raced, I felt my stomach come up in my  mouth and my body began to shake.  Not only was he being unfaithful, it was the way he went about it in connection to our relationship.

Since the beginning of our relationship, he never wanted to spend time with me.  It didn’t matter what it was, there was always a limit.  A couple hours here, a couple hours there.  I began to form an anxiety when we would hang out for any extended period of time because I was afraid we were spending too much time together and he was going to get annoyed, angry and take it out on me how I take up too much of his time.

A Twisted Relationship

I learned how to make myself scarce.  I learned to pretend that I didn’t need him around or want him around to shield what I really desired which was to have a partner to do things with.  I had been neglected and turned down and made to feel like an annoyance for so many years that I had to twist what was normal in a relationship to accommodate him and what he wanted, which was for me to not be around much or need anything from him.

So to hear him suggesting to another woman, while he is married, for her to take a whole day off work to spend with him was an astonishment.  It was a personal slam to me in so many ways.  I wondered to myself what was I that I didn’t receive the same courtesies or attention?  Why was it so hard to attain from this person?  Why was it that I never felt special or that I mattered?  What was it that she had that I didn’t?  Why do I feel like such a failure and insignificant?

The answer came, but years later when I learned about sex addiction.  Sex addiction is a sociopath trait.  It’s almost inherent in sociopaths.  Sex addicts aren’t necessarily sociopaths, but most sociopaths have a sex addiction.  I believe it comes from the fact that sociopaths have no relation to a conscience, they are empty, an empty shell of a person.  Sex addiction helps to fill a high that they are seeking and also allows them to act without a conscience.

Here Comes the Lie

After searching through the phone, I called the spath.  He didn’t seem alarmed, which was usual of my questioning.  He did tell me however that he purposefully left his phone in the room because he knew I would look at it.  How sick.  How sick of a game he was playing.

Let me try to remember the lie on this occasion.  Oh yea, he told me that she was just a doctor friend of his that slipped him testosterone shots under the table so to speak for his cycling.  That he needed more testosterone to be able to compete in the cycling club that he was in.

He had asked her to hang out just to see what she would say, but that was it, there was nothing going on.  I believe he also tried to spin that he was pretending to talk to her for one of his friends because he was too shy to start talking to her himself.  I’m like really?  What are we in high school?  That didn’t make any sense because of the phone number situation.

He was talking with her on some chat app and he tried to convince me that it was some kind of an alias account or something he had set up to help hook his friend up with this chick.  How extraordinary.  The length that he went through to conjure up a story like that was phenomenal.

I knew what I knew, I knew what I saw.  What was I to do?  The feelings of being trapped, not just in the relationship, but physically where I was, was almost enough to send me over the edge.

Always Two Bad Choices

My options were to stick it out in another country where I am not fluent in the language and be at his mercy, which was nothing grandiose, for a month with a baby, or create a huge fight and travel back home with a baby by myself and wait for a month until he returned home to deal with this.  Neither option was good.  That was the thing.  Being with a sociopath there was never a good choice;  there were always two bad choices.  There was a choice, but both choices would result in extreme anguish and pain.

He would not follow me if I was upset.  He would just let me go and show no care in the world that I was hurting.  This was even more infuriating.  To know that I could leave the country with his daughter by myself and go back home because of something I saw on his phone, and him continue on his vacation with no feel was incredible.

Then I would be stuck at home with no contact and no chance to try and resolve and or uncover what was really happening.  I was under his control; stuck in a corner feeling like there was no way out.  I think I really wanted him to tell me something that would convince me that he wasn’t doing what I knew he was doing.  I really wanted to believe he wasn’t.

The reality of it all was just too painful to swallow.  I thought that if I stayed, at least he would be there for me to continue to ask questions and he would be forced to answer.  That was my deception.

Stable State

Somehow between his manipulation and my desire to not want to believe he was cheating again, lead me to a somewhat stable state.  I put the experience in a far back memory in my head and continued on with the trip.

Traveling deeper and deeper into the heart of a third world country where I would be showering in a bucket of water, eating strange foods that made me sick, taking care of a little baby, and being left alone in a 8×8 concrete room for hours with no air conditioning or access to anything I knew was where I was going.  Left to sit and think alone about what was really happening in my life.  I felt completely helpless, sinking into a dark hole of despair and confusion and pain.

I don’t know how I made it through that trip.  I don’t know how I made it through 10 years of being with a person that sucked the life and all the good things out and then sewed fear, resentment, anxiety, anguish, chaos, strife, confusion, abandonment, disgust, and despair into my being.  I don’t know except by the grace of God I have another chance at life and the person who I really am, which is none of the things he brought into my life.

 


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Peace in Chaos – Every time you tell more of your story I am shocked at what you have endured. Even after hearing from more than 5,000 people about the betrayals of sociopaths, the audacity of their behaviors still astonishes me.

savvy

Sex Addiction…I hesitate to state that I was involved with such a person a few years ago and once I “discovered” what he was up to when he wasn’t with me.. I was devastated, but I remained in the relationship for selfish…reasons… thinking I might as well “get” what I could out of him.. travel and fun. When we were together, you would have thought that I was THE ONE.. The “I love you” flowed freely… but we always played by his “rules”.. when we weren’t together he made it clear I didn’t own him.. and what you said about seeing the gal’s picture and you thinking she wasn’t his “type”… Mine was the same way.. I saw pics of “Dumpy” older women, young beautiful women (young enough to be his daughter), Ugly women, Over-weight women…etc etc. .I am in great health, nice looking, fun to be with, and am a “Giver”…. I ended up having my heart broken, when he kept leaving a Theater once “to go to the Bathroom” and finding out that he was getting texts from a “new” soon to be Conquest….. I’d had enough. Guess what, now I am hearing from him again.. he is retired and has moved out of the Country to save “Taxes”… and has even invited me to come see him.. OMG… little does he know that “I know” him probably better than any other woman who has ever been in “his Life and Bed”…… I shake my head and wonder how this all happened…. I will never let him know just how “Savvy”.. I really am. Good luck to you… you will have a much better Life and gain “PEACE” without him, just like me……

stronginthecity

Peace in Chaos,
I just finished reading your story.
When you are writing about going through his phone, finding the conversation with this woman and his blase attitude left me with a very familiar feeling.
A sickness in the pit of the stomach like you did 100 crunches, ate something bad and then got punched in the stomach 20 times.
Yuck.
Even though I am glad to finally know these people exist, it’s just sickening.
Thank you for sharing your story and I wish you peace and love.
Stronginthecity

Stargazer

Peace in Chaos, Your writing style is very engaging. As I was reading about your two choices, a third choice came to my mind and one that I will only admit on here – I probably would have been thinking about murder. Not that I would have followed through, as the thought of prison is not pleasant. But I probably would have considered it once or twice. I’m glad you finally know what he is.

skid

You call it Sex Addiction, my ex calls it “supplementing”. In addition to a very active sex life at home, I discovered she had been sexting and spending time with at least 2 other guys.

When I confronted her about her activities, she said she no longer wanted to be in a “monogamous” relationship. I pointed out to her that she was obviously not in one!

Yuck.

andi

Just read the post above about never being called your name
I was The Beautiful Blonde ”“ and then three days ago I found a Christmas card in his bag to The Beautiful Blonde at another address. That stirred up a hornets nest of deceit, lies and manipulation. I looked at his phone ”“ no messages, nothing incriminating as it had all been wiped clean until a message arrived at 10pm ’Sleep tight x x x’ I rang it back to hear a v sexy Well hello there—
When confronted he turned into the stonewalling cold monster with the dead eyes. It was my fault because I didn’t kiss him enough, give him enough sex. I went away to calm down, devastated ”“ last week he loved me so much it scared him, so he said, last week we were making plans for the future, last week I was his soul mate. He let me go without a second glance.
That night I came across this site ”“ what a life saver!! I was suddenly able to see so many of the behaviours for what they were. He can be generous, passionate, loving, tell me I’m the most beautiful woman in the world, etc etc etc. Stare intensely into my eyes for minutes on end (always found this unnerving!). I knew he was a bit quirky ”“ v odd in company with very little social restraint, often appearing over the top and inappropriate but he was fun to be with (as long as we were doing what he wanted”.) but then feign pain or illness if he didn’t want to do something.
The next day I rang him to be told that the ’other’ woman was with him and looking after him (he’d just come out of hospital and they’d had sex for the first time just days ago). Still trapped in the spell he’d cast over me I sent a long email asking if we could work on this, get back together again, this other woman is nothing and was just a panic reaction to his operation (prostate removal!). The reply finally convinced me that he is an out and out sociopath. Again most of it was telling me my inadequacies and didn’t I think it was kind of the other woman to be looking after him after I’d walked out on him. But the final paragraph clinched it for me. In a nutshell the other woman was asking him about his feelings for me but he wasn’t sure what to tell her: if he loses his impotency after the op he thinks I would be the better option because we could’ rub along’ but if he’s OK then it will be the new woman. The asked me to feel sorry for him because he’s so confused!!!!! I sent a prompt reply ”“ Thank you, you have released me.
But today is day one of the pain of getting back to normal and already I’m re-reading the email to see if I’ve interpreted it wrongly—. I’ve not, but I’m devastated and on the floor. The last 7 years of my life have been a total lie and what have I got to show for it ”“ absolutely nothing! So far maintaining NC. Why of why do we feel the pull to humiliate ourselves over and over and over again.
Wish me strength

iwasOneJoy

Hi Andi, There is a very good book entitled, ‘The Betrayal Bond’, which will help to explain ‘why’ you are pulled in, and hopefully it will give you some clarity as to how you can extricate yourself emotionally.

I cam across a Carl Sagan quote today.It was something like, the more one wants a thing, the more careful one needs to be. This rings so very true for me. I will rush in, or try to blinker myself, when I want something. And I get myself in trouble. In this way I found 2 people with personality disorders – one a psychopath. Others saw the bullshit long before I did.

I have to tell you, I am 6 years out of a short relationship with a spath, and I know that I do in fact have something to show for it. I know that not everyone has good in them, nor are all capable of good. In business situations I see spaths coming long before others do, and pull out my spath playbook. I have actually been paid for using my spath knowledge in my work.

My heart is still broken, but that lying sack of shit cracked me open in ways that may yet prove to be useful to me. I see how deep my unmet desires run, I see how compulsive I can be, I see that to hook me, there had to be unhealed parts of me to snag. I haven’t touched all the exposed wounds yet, and yes there are much nicer ways to learn about ourselves, but I think recovery is possible.

It takes a long time for some of us to accept as reality what has happened. It’s hard to hold on to at times, and we doubt ourselves. I found it useful to find one thing and use it as a touchstone (one stupid, shitty thing the spath did, which I could not doubt could only be done by someone who was a stupid shitty person) – whenever I doubted myself, I would remind myself of the touchstone.

I wish you great healing. Hold on.

OneJoy

andi

Thank you so much Onejoy. I’m trying so hard to hold on but slip sliding around at the moment. Made the fatal mistake of ‘going to his to talk it out’ yesterday. How can I be so stupid? He was there with his new ‘love’ and obviously wouldn’t answer the door. I received a sneering email this morning telling me he didn’t need to to call round to enquire about his health ( just recovering from prostate removal). How could I humiliate myself so much?
So, my touchstone will be his callous ability to dump ‘the woman I love so much it scares me’ ( me!!) for a woman who gives him the eye at a religious meeting the minute he is found out. Narcissistic monster. He is not capable of love and I am having to come to terms with everything I believed being destroyed overnight. I am beginning to realise that my battle is not with him – he is not worthy of love – but with the memories and plans for the future which I thought were my life until a week ago.
Within the relationship I never felt he was a monster – he was intensely ‘loving’. However, I believe now that this was to access sex, something he craves incessantly, and to create an illusion of normality with a n attractive, intelligent strong woman on his arm. How he has destroyed her!!
If only I’d recognised the warning signs. He used to regularly say ‘ I want to take you out and make every other man jealous’. I used to laugh at him (I’m reasonably attractive but hey!!?) but he seemed deadly serious.
Who knows how many other women he was seeing? My ‘crime’ in his eyes is that I found him out and I therefore have to be ‘vapourised’ out of existence because he can’t cope with blame or guilt. I have also told his family the full extent of his latest betrayal and they are disgusted. That is anathema to him as it destroys his carefully manufactured image of himself. The last time he did this – three years ago, same time of year – he went to them with his glum little boy lost face, telling them that we couldn’t make it work and he was so sad. All the time he was back with one of his previous exes!! Oh, the pity parties he creates for himself.
Christmas has been hell, but I’m hoping for a healthier future……

iwasOneJoy

Hi Andi, you said something very important: “I am beginning to realise that my battle is not with him ”“ he is not worthy of love ”“ but with the memories and plans for the future which I thought were my life until a week ago.

There is a cognitive dissonance between ‘what is’ and what one thought was/hoped for. It takes a while to reduce and eliminate that dissonance. I had to work very hard to get the ‘reality’ stick. Very hard. It was an exceptionally important part of my early recovery.

Asking you over is part of plan, to create a story for the one he is with at the moment. Think about the most nefarious thing you have seen ‘bad’ guys’ do on TV, and insert it into his playbook. Now he can tell the current dupe that he is being stalked. so begins the story that he will weave about you, so that he can devalue and discard you publicly.

I’d be very careful about engaging further with his family. You never know where their loyalties truly are.The family of the big spath in my life knew exactly what the spath was doing, and yet woman after woman was conned, in real life and on the internet.

So, I hope that you can continue no contact. They feed on our lives and life energy – literally. It took me a while to get to no contact as I had some sleuthing to do to uncover the real identity of the spath. I am grateful that I did, because it was very important to my sense of safety. It cost me though. One of the things it me was friends, who couldn’t for the life of them understand what the hell I was doing. Once I got to ‘no contact’ I was all in.

It takes a while, and I went through layers and layers of ‘shock and awe’. I doubt I have finished pealing them away.

The serious work, besides dealing with the con and the PTSD, is to go to those things that i wanted so badly that I walked without consideration for what was. It’s great that you recognize where the work lays. Give yourself time to do, and have patience with yourself and the process. Ultimately, you need no contact now, as it will give you the space to do this work. Take it one moment at a time.

Best,
OneJoy

andi

Thank you so much – this is so important. Hellish days at the moment but I feel I am putting my energies in the right direction. It’s not about him – he is over – it is about me. Thank you for your words of wisdom and support. So important x

iwasOneJoy

Keep your head up, and keep moving Andi!

andi

Such a terrible day today. I’m here at 3 in the morning contemplating ending it all. The future scares me so much and I’m emotionally exhausted but these pages are keeping me going….just. I have to remember that it is early days yet. Just 12 days ago I was planning my future with him, oblivious of the double life he was leading. The day after he was ‘found out’ he’d obliterated me and moved a woman he’d just met into his house to nurse him following his prostate removal. Devastating.

AnnettePK

Andi,

Betrayal is the worst; and you were betrayed in the worst way. It is a shock, and it results in PTSD. 3am is the worst time – when depression and anxiety is high. You will feel better.

What is it about the future that is scary to you, if I can ask?

andi

I’ve just retired having worked my whole life, partly to spend more time with my now ex and partly to look after my elderly Dad. I feel I have nothing to look forward to, no future. I’m 60 and don’t have the energy to start again. Scared I’ll turn into the old cat lady……. I must remember it is early days yet and I’m still reeling from the shock. I have good friends but they have all been enjoying happy Christmases with their families around them. Damn, just feeling sorry for myself but my anxiety levels are through the roof. I just want to be my normal, happy loving self but she’s disappeared

AnnettePK

Thanks for sharing. I think I understand. I’m in my late 50’s. It sounds like the way you feel is a normal and natural response to betrayal and to upheaval of your life and your plans. I think if you don’t want to turn into the old cat lady, you probably won’t. It sounds like you are the kind of person who will create a good life for yourself even under difficult circumstances. You have good reason to feel sorry for yourself considering the harm your ex spath has done to you.

I suffered from a lot of anxiety, along with everything else. It is a symptom of PTSD which is a very real condition that is a normal response to traumatic and harmful experiences. Being betrayed and abused by someone in a relationship that is supposed to be love and trust based, causes the most severe PTSD. I am still dealing with anxiety several years out of the fake ‘marriage’ to my ex spath. Some of the things that helped me with sleep and anxiety over the long term: Listening to relaxation and meditation tapes; do it yourself therapy with free EMDR Youtube videos; drinking chamomile or valerian tea at bedtime, also an herbal capsule called “Deep Sleep;” exercise when I can (I have chronic Lyme and some other health problems). Playing a few rounds of computer solitaire or doing a crossword puzzle at bedtime occupies my brain enough to settle it down. I was able to spend time away at the ocean at a friend’s place, which helped a lot, along with time spent with friends who were great listeners and supportive of me. You will probably find things that work for you. Counseling and Rx meds can help with recovery, although I did not do either of those formally – just herbals and reading a lot (over 50) of self help books.
One of the best things that helped me was this relaxation/meditation tape designed especially for women recovering from pathological relationships. I listened to it every night at bedtime for over a year. http://saferelationshipsmagazine.com/guided-relaxation-for-repairing-the-aftermath-of-pathological-love-relationships There is a sample you can listen to on the website.
You will get back to your whole, happy, and loving self. Betrayal and abuse are very traumatic. It took me a while to realize how severely I had been emotionally harmed. It helped me to pamper myself, not to expect too much, and to give myself time to recover. I was abused over a period of about 4 years, but was kept spinning by the spath that I didn’t recognize all what was happening until I got out. I am still having ‘aha’ moments about him and the ‘marriage.’

iwasOneJoy

Merry Christmas to all the old-timers who still check in here. I hope you are all doing well! Anyone feel ‘healed yet? 🙂

Best,
OneJoy

slimone

Hey OneJoy,

Slimone here. Still checking in, and supporting others. Good to see you here, and know that you are continuing to make progress! Me too. I am doing very well, and have largely put my past in my past. Not forgetting, integrating. But the pain is done. The journey, I think, will never end with my new insights, but the pain of the past is no longer there.

Slim

iwasOneJoy

Hey Slim! That’s great to hear. I am wishing you all the best for 2016.

OneJoy

Imara

Seven years out I do consider myself an old timer!!!!!
Wounds heal but they leave scars!!! My life has changed in so many ways and I’m still learning.
Wishing all my LF family the best 2016 !!! Lots of healing and lots of love!!! Those @#$%@ will get their dues at some point but I’m not holding my breath. Create the best life for yourself that you possibly can. Wishing all of you the very best!!!!

iwasOneJoy

Hi Imara, Have you been on Lf all that time? did you have another screen name? (Just trying to figure out if I know you from years ago.) Have a great New Year!

Best,
OneJoy

becomingstrong

My heart was pounding reading this. Stuck in a foreign country with a sociopath-a dangerous proposition indeed. The infidelity, sex addiction and the like behaviors remains for me the part of my life with my sociopath I have few answers. Up until two years ago I thought my husband was faithful. He was a wife beating drunk yes, but I believed he was not a cheater. Now why I believed this, who knows-denial I guess. To this day I still don’t have “proof” he cheated and in a way I feel that he thinks he outsmarted me by never really knowing. Two years ago I was at home and he had left his iPad on the desk. I kept “beeping” so I picked it up (not being a jealous person and not having reason to look through his things before it never occurred to me until that moment and after that everything changed). On it were messages between him and a male coworker, my husband who was at work and the coworker who was off that day. The messages were a back and forth about a female coworker (who was at work with my husband). My husband was texting the man (a man who was single and I felt my husband was always trying to suck up to) asking him if he wanted to go out with the female. What? Like this guy can’t get his own date in a sea of women??? Then the man texted my husband “why don’t you ask her about her new bed”. Well I saw shocked. I confronted him about it and he of course said he had good intentions but the coworker/friend turned the conversation “South”. I felt so uneasy about it all. Was this an indication of him cheating? What was this? Was I blowing this out of proportion (I know how he would have reacted if this had been me so not I didn’t). So I began “investigating” I looked through everything, I looked high and I looked low. What I found through months of looking and probing was three viagra pills (strange since I never knew him to have a sexual performance problem). I also found another message between him and the male co worker/friend in which my husband was telling him to use the voice command on his phone while driving and the male coworker/friend told my husband, my husband shouldn’t use the voice command as his “computer was being monitored.” Not having definitive proof of cheating threw me into panic, anxiety, depression and fear. I do know my husband would not have me at his work, he would come up with excuses and when I insisted he looked visibly nervous and when I asked why he would say he wasn’t nervous. On one occasion I went to his work to “bring him lunch” and another male coworker “joked” “Let me tell you about your husband” and walked off. I probed my husband about that comment of course deflection, lies, and then angry rages would silence me. When I would search his phone I only found messages, stupid and inappropriate, between him and other male coworkers. I often wondered, knowing my husband was a woman hater, whether he secretly, or not so secretly, was gay. When I would look at his tracker on his phone he always appeared to be where he should be, work, the gym, if he was out of town, he was at the condo his employer paid for (yes I have wondered whether he “entertained” there) but i was also friendly with the door man there? When he became aware I was “investigating” him he would say, “there’s nothing there” but most of the time he was just silent. His silence would drive me crazy, I thought he would either own up to it or put the question to rest by giving me concrete answers to my questions-neither happened. When I asked about the viagra pills I just got an angry response, “men have their secrets”. Taking prescription meds should not be a secret should it, I asked myself.
I always wondered how he pulled it off and never got caught in spite of all my efforts to catch him. I question my own judgment and wonder if he really did cheat. I finally realized I was driving myself mad with wondering if he cheated or not. I do think he helped drive it by intentionally leaving his iPad that day and never putting the matter to rest. Well in the end it didn’t matter the trust was gone and in fact there was no relationship whatsoever it was all a figment of my imagination. Like much of my marriage to him was defined by mystery and this infidelity question is just more of that.

Caitlyn

Seems these jerks can never get enough. After i discovered mine was engaged all i could think was ” wow he had her, me, and god knows whom else he had met online”. One thing my therapist used to say is that ” i bet it was more than just the 2 of you” now after coming here to lovefraud reading articles like this i see she is right!!! With me and the fiancé he had an online dating profile saying he was single and looking for a serious relationship. Also being that he is an otr trucker, he probably has women in every state in the US!

emtuoba

I got into my ex’s phone. Funny it fell on the floor and opened up. I found that my ex was cheating on me with the HOMEWRECKER. Cheating on the home wrecker with a girl he started seeing in July. Texting another to come to the ranch to oil his saddles. Still another serial texting that she was pregnant and that it was his. Still more texts to girls on Craig’s list and a couple of other dating sites plus regular daily visits to a porn site called red something. REALLY ? Does anyone need this much sex ? It’s almost comical now. Writing this down makes me realize that I must have been brain dead to continue on like I did for 2 more months. Still trying to save US. There must be something brain dead about me.

emtuoba

And here I sit. My house a wreck. Washing machine broken. Clothes pilling up to be washed. I’m hole up in my room. I find it impossible to get out of my bed except for the occasional trip to the kitchen or bathroom. What is wrong with me ? I am better than this. Not doing so good.

AnnettePK

I remember that feeling. I literally hardly got out of bed for over a year unless I had to. It helped me to focus on one task at a time – even if I only got one thing done in a day. Like plan to do a load of wash and then do it, without worrying about anything else. I would get overwhelmed if I tried to get everything done.

kaya48

Emtuoba
I felt exactly the same way. I did not care about housework. I never changed the bedsheets etc. I am not sure how I went to work every day. I worked nightshirts and often I sat at my desk and cried and cried when none was around. For 3 months I was in a zombie like stage. Just getting by doing the bare minimum. My mind raced around him 24/7. I was a complete mess. And that is exactly what he wanted me to be. “Look At yourself , how pathetic you are. “. One of his favorite statements.
Now I know that I was in agony while he lived it up with his minions. Not a care in the world how I was, his son. Nothing. Just today I found this
“About 3 years ago my world came crashing down around me. I felt like life was taken from me that a part of me died. I was in a place in life I never thought I would be. I felt hopeless. There was darkness all around me, BUT GOD WAS THERE. I am telling you this to let you know that no matter how dark it gets, His light shines. He has sustained me. I am still standing because I serve a wonderful, loving God.”
Without my faith I would not be where I am today.

emtuoba

BLESS YOU AND YOUR SON THIS NEW YEARS KAYA48.
I am so lucky to have found you and Star, Vash, Strong in the City, AnnettePK, Slimone, Bev, Caitlyn, Loveliesbleeding, waitingtogetmylifeback and all you others that I have been lucky enough to confide in and receive support from. This is a unique safety zone. Wish we could all meet up one day for Lunch, brunch or a glass of wine. I feel that you guys are the closest things I have at the moment to friends. I look forward to seeing your names and watching the progress everyone is making together everyday. its means so much to be lifted up when I am circling the drain. Everyone’s experiences are shared to each other help ours selves. I mean it when I say that I was dying when I first found this sight. I think I am only living because I found so much support, and kind understanding here. I just want you all to know that I am greatful for every morsel you guys have given me so my sould is not starving to death.
FOR YOU ALL HERE. HAPPY NEWS YEARS. MAKE THE BEST OF EVERYDAY.

emtuoba

AGAIN SORRY FOR THE TYPO’S. AUTO CORRECT IS A PAIN IN THE BUTT.

still waiting to get my lifeback

Emtuoba,

Ohh, I hope you are feeling better today. New Year…New Beginnings…I love to walk and run that’s what get me out of the bed in the morning . Although lately the weather has changed and I am unable to go out. Like Anne tye mentioned try to focus on one task at a time. Make a plan to do at least one thing that will get you up. I have literally laid in bed for 48 hours only going to kitchen and restroom as well. We can only live one day at a time and remember the video strong shared with us we have to take our power back. I ask God to help me, guide to my next step. Because I feel so lost, still not working but trusting God for full restoration for everything I lost. I am starting to build up my confidence and self esteem. Funny, considering I was overly confident in the past and now I can’t pass interviews that require basic skills. I realize all I have is myself to depend on and I must motivate myself or I will lose what I do have. So, I am taking my power back from that clown and I am choosing life. PTSD is serious and you are right this site is definitely a lifesaver. Having this outlet to come on and share and read the different stories have bought the closure i was seeking. It would be great if we could all meet up in the future. Free of spath and living strong productive lives. God Bless you and everyone else on here seeking victory.

becomingstrong

We all are/have been in a private hell, isolated (self-imposed or learned trained isolation-hard to say when one ends and the other begins). The hell that steals the simple pleasures of life away from us. The hell that propels us to not get out of bed, a prison of sorts. This prison can only be breached by taking one step and then another and then another in a positive direction. First, the steps feel burdensome and unwelcome, but take them we must. Whether it be a walk around the block or combing our hair and washing our face. As a “housewife” (funny description since I had no husband) what was once a life filled with gardening,long walks with my children, childrearing, food preparing, laundry, house cleaning, bill paying from early in the morning till late at night-slowly I withdrew. No one even noticed. Now, I am nowhere near my former self, but I have made myself start the process of reentering my life. I exercise a little, I am building relationships again, I started thinking seriously about my further and the real expectation that my life will be better because I won’t have a saboteur to see to it that it won’t. Before I lived in hope and now I’m starting to feel better because live in reality and I don’t daydream about day that will never come, now I can see to it that better days come ahead. I still think of my sociopath and his destruction more than I should, but I’m trying. I still grieve. I still have bouts of anxiety, but I don’t worry anymore what horrible thing he’s going to walk through the door and do to me today. I can deal with him legally and in front of other eyes and not behind the veil of the locked door.

emtuoba

BECOMING STRONG. Bless you sweetie. think most of us are reinventing ourselves. (oh my god I hope Im not turning into a bag lady as my house is not fit for my dogs to live in let alone me. funny I have let them all sleep with me lately. there is grit in the bed, some of the dog farts could kill, and it puts a whole new meaning to bed, pillow, blanket hogs. Ive got 4 in the bed and one is 165 pounds. she is a Mastiff with the most soulfull eyes. I makes me feel better when the 3:00 panic attack wakes me up. once I catch my breath I just listen to the deep sighs, soft snoring, and rhythmic breathing of my angels. In that moment I know that I am loved, and that I am lucky. Im glad you are safe from your jailer. im glad you don’t have to worry about the door opening and someone treating you badly. You deserve the best life ever. your making new daydreams without the saboteur.

becomingstrong

emtuoba,

Sounds like you have a lot of love in your life. I know that when I’m not comfortable it spirals into other areas. Maybe if you get your bedroom in order you will sleep a little more soundly. Just yesterday, my one completed project was changing my sheets and washing my pillows. It felt really good getting into bed yesterday. Your interrupted sleep needs addressing. Can you make an appointment with a doctor to discuss your “temporary” anxiety in the middle of the night? I hope you feel better soon. Start making your environment more inviting to you.

emtuoba

I do count my blessings in the unconditional love department. I am lucky to have the fur balls right now. I’m focused on placing my pup

emtuoba

Something happened 😱 Hahaha. Trying to place my pups. Ah yeas clean sheets. I remember those. Going to laundry mat tomorrow. My washer is broken. 😫

emtuoba

Hahaha. I’m so tired I keep posting before I finished a thought. Sweet becoming strong. THANK YOU. I Am a nurse supervisor. I work 12 hour shifts which are really 14. I’m so tired tonight. I’m thinking no 4 am wake up. I’m exhausted. It was scary going home alone. Not so much anymore. I have a life line here. I appreciate you so much n

andi

A life line indeed. Have had a couple of days from hell when I wanted to end everything but am coming out of it today. We have to remember that there will be light at the end of this very long tunnel.
I came across an email that had got through my block yesterday telling me that I had misunderstood what he was telling me (…”if he still has his potency following prostate op he wants to try things with his new woman of 2 weeks, if not then he and I could rub along together”….).I had to break my NC and wrote back to ask “How is it possible to misinterpret having sex with someone you’ve just met the day before your op, then move her into your house the day after I found out? I also had to tell him some home truths about what other people at work think of him, which I’ve kept to myself before.
Well, it made me feel better but I’m sure he’ll think it’s because I’m ‘disturbed’… Back to NC now, and sanity.
Wish me luck. Thinking of you all and wishing you a happy and healthy New Year
x

kaya48

Emtuoba
No worries about typos. Happens to me all the time. Thanks for your kind words. I was exactly at the same place as you are. My entire world shattered , I thought it was the end of my existing. Him leaving and abandoning us, finding out about the co worker, the affairs , the lying and betrayals. It was as someone stabbed me and twisted the knife inside of me. Every time he came back home, he texted or called or emailed he put that knife inside of me deeper and deeper. Every time I was left in tears. He blamed me and yelled and called me crazy. One time my 18 year old son took the phone away from me and said “no more” . He was more adult then than me. Starting no contact saved my life. I was able to remove myself from this drama he created and enjoyed so much. I am sure he called me the “crazy wife ” to his minions. But you know what there comes a time when you just had enough. 3 months of his coming home and reducing me to a crying mess, then leaving and taking his minion out for a fancy dinner by the ocean , was more than enough. With the help of love fraud here, my lawyer and educating myself I was able to gain control and power over me again. I acted in ways I would have never acted if it wasn’t for him. My lawyers advice “stop feeding into him” was the best. I always looked and hoped for closure. They won’t give it to you and I accepted this now. There will never be an apology or acknowledgement. My filing for divorce was my closure on my terms and conditions. H can’t get to me anymore. And I know relapsing and talking to him would be like going into hell. No way.

andi

Happy New Year to all of you here. 2016 will be better for all of us. Here’s to NC and our inner strength
x

emtuoba

Oh Andi sweet girl,

I’ve wanted to blast my ex with texts and emails myself. So much to say. So much venom building inside me. Mine like yours was talking the 5 year plan, & denying he was seeing anyone else 4 days before he walked out of our house and into hers.
They are all the same. I’m hoping the past catches up to my ex and that he rots from jock itch.
Glad you got to say what you think to him. I’m sure it felt good. Be careful to read any reply he send you though. Bound to be horrible. Hope he is impotent forever. Hahahaha. What a jerk saying those things to you. Hang tight with us sweetie. We are all in the same carnival ride here. I was hoping that every good day I had would be the end to the bad ones but nope the bad ones still sneak in. Think we need to realize that it takes time. It’s not over because we want so bad for it to be over. We are so lucky to have such wonderful mentors here. There is a wealth of advice and great compassion shared with us on these threads. Truly my life line.

slimone

andi and all,

I so relate to what your ex is texting you. The person I knew wanted to take a two week break from our relationship to see if it was what he ‘really wanted’. In that time, unbeknownst to me, he sleeps with 5 women. Then he tells me this was a ‘tantric meditation’ for him. That he thought of me when he was with each woman, and that this was helping him figure out what the best relationship path was for him. That if he still felt turned on by me, even when he was with another woman, then our relationship was ‘viable’.

They come up with the CRAZIEST ‘logic’ to try and support their horrible behaviors!

Well, I tell you, my jaw just dropped. I was definitely having cognitive dissonance, and my emotions were still attached to him. But my mind just was stunned by his audacity, his hubris, and his belief that WHATEVER came out of his mouth was brilliant. It wasn’t. It was total mumbo jumbo.

That was THE last time I ever saw or spoke to him. Even though my heart broke, and I felt SO ashamed of myself for having fallen for his B.S., I did not allow my heart to be exposed again.

He sent me one last LONG email and I had a friend read it. She told me it was chock full of manipulations, insults, and invitations to stay ‘friends’ (i.e., be kept on a back burner for future use and abuse). Just be careful if you read what he sends you as it can re-injur your heart. It really can.

Take good care,
Slim

emtuoba

The more I read here the more I am dumb founded. We are all intelligent women. I’ve got to laugh at myself. Mine always denied other women but he gave me every lame excuse for his missing time except being abducted by aliens. I think I would have bought the aliens story too. I wanted so much to believe him.
Hahahaha. Got to laugh out loud about these creeps.

andi

So true – you couldn’t make it up could you. My friends say I should write a book!! Mine had sex with a woman who ‘came on strong to him at Quaker meeting’ for f*** sake, and then asked me to feel sorry for him because he’s so confused. Poor, tormented soul ha ha

iwasOneJoy

Andi, I find your last line a harbinger of hope: ‘Poor, tormented soul ha ha’. Anger and sarcasm are a good sign!

We used to do something we called the Friday night parties on Lovefraud. A few folks would show up and we would laugh and joke and poke fun at the spaths. It was very empowering. On some of those nights one or another of us would express extreme anger, and there would be someone who could stand as a witness to the pain and trauma. Those nights saved me. (I also got censured for swearing :))

I hope you are doing okay. I was miss crazy pants for a long while. Be patient with this – the trauma is incredibly affecting. It is unlike anything most of us have ever experienced. And it takes new tools to move through it. I have pretty much careened through my healing, but I AM getting through it.

take care,
OneJoy

andi

Still struggling on here but it is still very early days – just over 3 weeks since the ultimate betrayal. I wavered with NC and broke it several times. Guess what? I hurt so much after each email I received from him. His final one said Don’t contact me by text, by email or in person. But I don’t like being told what to do by him solent one final one (yes, IT WILL BE THE FINAL ONE!) to say I won’t contact him. by phone, by email, in person, not because he told me to but because I didn’t want to. I then told him exactly what I though too him and exposed all the cheating (that I knew about……) and the shallowness of his life. He won’t believe a word of it – how could he, he’s so perfect and right? – but I felt it gave me some sort of closure. He is now completely blocked from my phone and emails.
Awash with emotions – not easy as my son is also going through heartbreak and my elderly father who I care for is very ill with a chest infection. However, their need for me has helped to kick me in to touch and helped to stop me self-obsessing (for some of the time….) I’m trying to ‘name’ the emotions I’m feeling – currently loss, loneliness and fear of a future alone and unloved. However, I am aware that if I hadn’t exposed the cheating and betrayals that would have been my life anyway because he wasn’t able to feel true, empathic love – just a side show pretence. Oh, he was very good at acting and really made me believe but I now have to hang on so hard to the reality. Naming the emotions, giving myself permission to feel them rather than intellectualise them, has helped to some extent. It hurts like hell but I must have faith that it will ease.
Thank you everyone for being their and sharing your pain. Together we are so much stronger – and so much better than the b***** we got strung along by!!!
Stay strong
Andi

andi

And apologies for the ‘spell check’ errors….. and I’m ashamed to say my use of the wrong ‘their’! Shame on me x

iwasOneJoy

Andi,
Again, your above post shows that youare making progress. One of the vital shifts is going from thinking we lost something, to starting to name that what we had wasn’t what we thought we had. It’s a slow process, but it is essential.
Please, please don’t contact him again in those moments when you may forget that he wasn’t what he pretended to be. I am concerned that he will use the contact content against you. Keep it in mind that they FEED on our natural human responses and emotions. Don’t feed the spaths!

andi

I’m building up my defences both emotionally and physically – have now totally blocked emails and calls – on computer, on phone etc etc. I have also shamed him with his family so he will definitely not want me back again!! I’ve made sure of that. And my son will never let him darken my door again.
The danger lies in me – and I keep coming back here to remind myself of the catastrophic damage and torment they cause. His feeding days from me are over – but of course he is having a feeding frenzy with the new woman at the moment. She will soon be exhausted, just like I was.
I’m working through a healing programme at the moment and was asked yesterday to write down all the illnesses I’d experienced in the time I’d been with him. It was eye-opening – chest pains (no organic cause), eczema on my hands and eyes, persistent cough for 6 months, difficulty sleeping – like whole nights awake; waking with panic attacks in the night, and one night when, for the first time in my life I self harmed – cutting my arms and legs because of his crazy, warped ‘logic’ during a discussion of my shortcomings!! You know what – despite the lack of sleep, the fear and the panic attacks I feel so much healthier deep down.
A x x

andi

You were so right. I’ve just got home after walking down the street in floods of tears, longing for the life I thought I had. I feel so alone and desperate. I open my emails and there is one from him. How the hell did it get through my blocks. I’m totally dumbfounded. This is what it said:
Please accept my apologies for not responding at once. I needed to build up courage. My request that you not text me stems from my dislike of texting: maybe you recall I am far happier on a proper keyboard.

Your message is once more distressing and painful, which to some degree is understandable, and curious in that only a message or two back you wanted to meet. But the sheer violence, and venom in your language is scary and terrible, and I hope you cure yourself of it, lest it scars you. I have no desire to describe you in such terms, I prefer to think of the good times we had and that will always be with me, despite the times of pain and tears I too suffered and that maybe you have overlooked. But the end of your message is a little brighter and I hope you do indeed move on. Whatever you say it is not in me to find fault, we are where we are. And despite your tone, borne out of darkness, I wish you well with comfort and peace.

WTF!!!! This is total mind game stuff – let’s keep her on the back burner for when I need her. Courage? He has no f**** courage!! No courage to face up to the low life that he really is. Why, why, why do I let this upset me SO MUCH.
However, I am not going to reply. I meant it when I sent the email to say I wanted no contact and it is the only way. Wish me luck, everyone out there….
Ax

jukidragonfly

I sit here 6 months post separation after 30 years of marriage while HE is overseas living it up in a luxury resort with a young female 54 years his junior. I am to be grateful that he didn’t want to tell me because “it’s only going to hurt you”. Two years ago after so many years of marriage and dutifully meeting all his sexual needs the rose coloured glasses came off and I realised that I was being sexually abused by my own husband and had been since I could remember. He believed that it was his conjugal right to have sex whenever he wanted it and that it was my duty to provide it whenever he wanted it because “why else get married”. That was just of many hurtful realisations I was presented with as one truth after another began unveiling themselves due to my enlightenment.

I chose to not service him. I stood up for my right to say “No”. And what was the result? Within 6 weeks he had gone elsewhere and had no compunction in telling me, or my aged mother, or his 19 year old daughter, or his 14 year old son, or all our friends, acquaintances and the what felt like the whole world. He did so with an indignant righteousness because “my wife refused to give me sex” and “what else was I supposed to do?”. He was clearly not satisfied with hurting me via his infidelity, but also wanted to publicly humiliate me. This was followed up with verbal rages in which he accused me of trying to control him via sex, deliberately trying to undermine him and believed that my refusal was just one of many steps I was taking in my attempt to destroy him. He told me that “sex is the single most important thing in my life; above money, above my job, above everything” and proceeded to say “the day I can’t have sex will be the day I kill myself”. Puhleeeezzzz.

Since that day until now he has continuously been involved with women – either via professional services and others. He refers to every single girl, professional or not, as “my girlfriend” and argued until he was black and blue in the face that ‘YOU JUST DON’T UNDERSTAND. THEY ARE MY GIRLFRIENDS. THEY LOVE ME”.

We all left 6 months ago following an acute escalation in his behaviour over the preceding two years which saw him become very paranoid, delusional and abusive. While we struggle financially and emotionally to pick up the pieces of our shattered lives he continues to live like a king with his now just-turned-adult “steady girlfriend” of 4 months. No remorse. No attempts at reconciliation. Nothing.

After 30 years of giving my life to him I now realise that I was no more valuable than an appliance in the home and that when I stopped working he quickly discarded me and found another.

Juki x

Juki – I am so sorry for your experience, but glad that you have recognized the truth. What you are describing is typical sociopathic behavior. My guess is that your husband was being “serviced” by other women all along. But when you stood up for himself, he was able to do it openly.

Although it is painful, the truth is better than a charade. I hope you and your children can move towards healing.

andi

You poor, poor woman. My heart truly goes out to you and I wish you all the strength in the world. Your life WILL be better without him – I still long and cry for the life I thought I had with my ex but it never really existed. Please, please be strong – there will be many people around you who love you and who truly care. I know how hollow that feels at first and I know the gut wrenching pain but we all have to believe that it subsides with time. Put your energies into healing yourself – you so deserve it. Take relaxing baths, read nice books – be good to yourself even if you have to force yourself at first. And when it gets really bad, cry, cry,cry but know that it will stop. Then come onto here and let your anger and pain out.
Thinking of you
andi x x x

emtuoba

Well said Andi. Well said for us all.

jukidragonfly

(((Thank you Donna and Andi)))

I think I’ve been through the worst of the pain and have passed the midnight hour. It’s only taken 3 years!!! These people have the ability to inflict pain that rips into the very core of the human spirit and challenges everything you ever believed in, lived for and hoped for.

Shortly before my refusal (and right) to not provide him with sex on demand our relationship was already spiralling downwards following my epiphany and my resultant distancing. I believed I was going crazy because it appeared that I was the ONLY person in the world who could see beyond his mask and he very effectively kept reinforcing this belief by continuously telling me that I had serious mental health problems and how sorry he felt for me. I decided to take him to a relationship counsellor in the hope that he would openly display his personality. I desperately needed validation. He did. He spoke with cold-hearted indifference, took charge of the entire session by raising his voice, continually interjecting and speaking over the therapist. He spoke aggressively and down to the therapist, threatened to report her to her supervisors for suggesting that he “service himself” as an alternative. When asked what he would do if I was unable, for whatever reason, to service him, he replied with “Well, I’d just have to go elsewhere”. When asked how he would feel if I left him, his answer was “I’d be upset. Naturally I would be upset …. for 2-3 weeks”! This continued to the point where the therapist terminated the session and refused to have any future sessions.

In a post-therapy call with this lady, who was a double degree relationship counsellor with 25 years experience, she stated that in her 25 year career “he is the worst I have encountered in my entire career” and deemed him as being psychologically harmful and dangerous.

I certainly received my validation, but unfortunately this translated into a major personal crisis for me. That was the day I fully understood and realised that all I had experienced was not because of my insanity, it was because of his disorder.

Juki x

emtuoba

OMG dragon.
Unbelieveable. Frightening. The things nightmares come from. God bless your injured heart.
You make me feel so humbled. My trials are only of 5 years. I know the cellular molecular ache and fear and remorse and embarrassment. It is ubdurviveable most days. 30 years. OMG. YOU AND KAYA AND BEV.

emtuoba

Such survivors. OMG.
THANK YOU ALL FOR BEING HERE TO HELP ME. AND HELP US ALL.

Dragonleight

Hi emtuoba, I hope your week is going well and you have managed to find some peace and healing.
THANK YOU as well for being in this wonderful community, (unfortunately necessary) and sharing your love, wisdom & strength with us all…

Sending you love & blessings
Dragon x

emtuoba

God bless you Juki.

jukidragonfly

Thank you Emtuoba for your blessings. I understand the importance of having supportive people in the aftermath of a relationship with a sociopath. Survivors are the ONLY people on earth who fully understand through lived experience. No other person, despite being empathic, can even begin to imagine the depth and breadth of the pain and hurt that SPs inflict on those nearest and dearest to them.

It is wonderful to have places such as Lovefraud for us to support each other.

Blessings to you as well.

Juki x

emtuoba

Oh you wonderful woman. Juki If you can make it so can I. God I have been so caught up in myself. I had no idea of the pain and suffering that others such as yourself have gone through. I am embarrassed. God me being such a whiner at times. I wish I could do something or give you something. My heart is open to you. I wish you the blessings every day of abundance from the universe.

andi

Hey – don’t beat yourself up emtuoba. We can all whine and we need to. I find myself thinking the same and worry about how I must sound to my friends. But it is therapy for us all. But I so totally agree thatJuki is indeed a wonderful woman to have survived such horrendous abuse. We are all sending her our love and wishing her strength
Andi x

jukidragonfly

Never, ever apologise for offloading and venting. It is one of the most therapeutic things you can do. Also don’t equate and compare your years with a spath as lessening the impact – any and all encounters with a spate at an intimate and personal level are extremely toxic and harmful.

Unfortunately I am not out of the danger zone yet. I still have much disentanglement to navigate thanks to the web of dependancy he has created. I have made it my goal for 2016 to untether myself from him by the years end so that I can be in a position where no contact reigns. This is going to be an ugly year and one which will see him decompensate further into his own insanity. First the sex, now the money. The two most important controlling elements in his life. He is promising to support me and the family for the rest of his life but I don’t want that because this is his way of maintaining his manipulative control over me even though physically separated. In just 6 months I have heard him tell me at least 50 times that “your lives depend on me. Don’t abuse it” and the like. He knows damn well that at present we have no way of surviving without his support and he is utilising this to the max. He desperately wants to avoid divorce, courts, lawyers, etc. because not only will it financially ruin him, this process will also expose him for being a cheat, con-artist and criminal. I’m happy to go there. I need him out of my life.

After having fallen down into the blackest, darkest pit of despair and believing that my life was ruined for eternity, I have now realigned myself, gained strength, confidence, conviction and have proven that I am resilient. I’m ready for the next phase of this journey.

I wish you all an abundance of strength. You can do it. It’s taking each day as it comes, riding the emotional overwhelms like waves, getting plenty of rest and self-care, and taking tiny steps.

There is an end and there will come a day when we can all say were finally free.

Juki xx

Jan7

Hi Juki, you should be so proud of yourself for posting your story here on Lovefraud. Not an easy feat after being in a abusive marriage for 30 years where you were mentally controlled. I know that your husband walking out on you & your children and flying overseas is probably still a daily shock.

But I want to let you know that him walking out was the BEST thing that ever happened to you in your marriage. If you would have left him he would have been love bombing you & grooming you back into a relationship with him with intimidation, fear & love bombing. With him leaving you have the time now to slowly clear your mind from his brain washing/mind control so that you can fully escape the marriage legally. This time is a blessing!

Now is the time to start interviewing lawyers & asking trusted friends for a recommendation for a divorce lawyer but be careful who you ask so that it does not get back to your soon to be ex. There are many books on Financial Divorcing at your big box book store.

Remember the most important thing about divorce is it is a BUSINESS it is your future. Your ex saying that he is going to take care of you “for the rest of your life” is Sociopath BS!!! He does not care about you or your children he only cares about sex. Right now he is spending money and you will have to pay half of his credit card bill in the divorce. This is why it is important to talk to lawyers to find out how to protect yourself.

You can NOT work with a sociopath during a divorce with out a cut throat lawyer who is educated on sociopath abuse. Not all lawyers know about sociopaths and all sociopaths will attempt to manipulate your lawyer, the judge, clerks in the court EVERYONE to get what they want. Guess what your husband wants = you to get nothing! Be smart and educate yourself about divorce & what you are entitled to. This is why reading books on Financial divorce is important your lawyer will most likely not know what you are fully entitled to…remember a lawyer is in the business of taking your money thats it they do not care about your financial future only theirs. Also keep in mind that there are lots of narcissist/sociopaths lawyers in this world so be ware who you hire.

A good site to look at for court divorce/child custody is Onemomsbattle. com on the site they list lawyers at the top that get sociopath abuse. If you dont see your city then just go to Facebook One moms battle and ask if someone knows of a lawyer in your state/city. Tina Swiften creator of Onemoms battle has two books on divorcing a narcissist which you might want to read.

Open a fake email account then a fake Facebook page so that you can chat freely on One Moms battle without your ex, his friends/family seeing what you are chatting about. If you can buy a new lap top & open a new email with just your lawyers getting that email from that computer it is best.

YES a sociopath will go to great lengths to see what you and your lawyer are chatting about even hacking into your email so that they have one up on you. Also on One moms battle they have help for child custody issues.

One thing you may want to get right away from the court through a court order motion is a mental evaluation on your ex. One moms battle can give you help with this just ask on their Facebook page. Why is this important? Because if you can prove you husband is a narcissist or sociopaths and that your child will be endanger or you the court will take your recommendation more strongly.

For the stress that you are under look into adrenal fatigue…see sites like DrLam. com and Adrenalfatigue. org….look at the symptoms list on both. IT is extremely common for victims of sociopathic abuse to have adrenal fatigue. The fact that you felt like you were going “insane” (which by the way you were not) is an indication that your adrenal glands were not working correctly. IF you have the symptoms of adrenal fatigue find a good Endocrinologist doctor (they specialize in adrenal glands) and get tested. Also look into a diet like Dr Fuhrman Eat to Live book to flood your body with much needed vitamins/minerals that most likely are depleted from the stress you have been under. (consult a doctor first). Google “Dr Fuhrman PBS you tube” to learn more. And also google “Dr Amen PBS you tube” and his countless books on improving brain function. Stress from a sociopaths especially for 30 years has most likly taken a toll on you physically so look after your body and it will help you to be clear headed during your divorce.

Contact your local abuse center & go!! They can help you with safety for you & your children. Google “Exit plan domestic abuse”, “Exit plan dr phil”, “Exit plan domestic abuse you tube” to start working on your exit plan out of this marriage. Work with your local abuse center also this is what they are there for. The one thing that I did not due during my marriage was to ask for help because my ex h had my mind so twisted up…once I left I went to counseling & my local abuse center for counseling & women group meetings. This all helped me tremendously along with sites like Lovefruad. Keep reaching out for help. For me going to my local abuse center was one of the hardest things that I did because I was embarrassed that I ended up in a bad marriage. But after the first women group meeting I realized that it was literally the best thing that I did for myself.

Also look into a home alarm system. If you have the money then have an alarm company put one in that has phone service that will call your home immediately if your alarm goes off. If you dont have the money for that type of service no worries look into your big box warehouse home improvement center such as Home Depot or Lowes (US stores) and they have alarm systems that take batteries and are very easy to install.

Reach out to your most trusted friends/family and ask them to help you with securing your home & to research a lawyer & what you are entitled to you your divorce. You dont have to do it alone!

Hugs to you! 🙂

Jan7

Sociopaths always boomerang back to their last vicim. HE is keeping the door open to come back to you….so right now educate yourself full on all the mental & emotional games he will play on you to break your spirit down when he returned. Best to go “Low Contact” (google) with him. Books to read:

Donna Andersons books see her book list up at the top under “book store”

Woman who love psychopaths by Sanda brown (my counselor gave me this book)

PS. In court papers put everything this man has done to you that was abusive & put in the details of him running off overseas to have sex.

THIS WILL PROTECT YOU and your children down the road and it will protect his next vicim too! And it will protect you in court!

In most states the person filing for divorce writes the first motion then the person you are divorcing (your husband) counters your motions then you counter what he wrote. SO in your first motion (if this is how your state does it) limited what you write then in the counter motion put everything down in writing. Everything that you have written that he said here in LF put in the counter motion.

DO NOT PROTECT THIS EVIL MAN ANY LONGER…PROTECT YOU & YOUR CHILDREN ONLY NOW!!!

jukidragonfly

Thank you Jan7 so much for your lengthy and thoughtful reply.

Just to clarify a few things. It was myself and the children who fled from the family home and left him. He did not leave. He would have been happy to have me and his family continue as his mask of normalcy forever whilst he was living in his self-entitled way.

The situation right now is that he resides in the family home, whilst myself, 2 kids and aged Mum are in a rental property.

Child custody is no longer an issue as our daughter is 21 and son is over 16.

From a mental health perspective I can prove conclusively from almost every corner of his life that he is not stable. I have police records, mental health records, community health records, not to mention the affidavits of many people who have come to see the “other”side of him and are victims themselves.

Financially things are not good. He has a mountain of debt and I need to seek legal counsel with regard to this. I also have significant evidence to prove that he has cheated me out of a significant amount of money and that he is in breach of legal requirements.

We are physically separated but as things have it I still have significant exposure to him because I am employed by him. My employment in his business and the money I receive from that is what is keeping our heads above water. It may sound easy to resign from this position, but there is no other job that would give me the same remuneration and conditions.

My 16 year old son has been diagnosed with a severe depressive disorder and social anxiety disorder. He is not in a good way at all and has been in treatment for approximately 3 years, including an inpatient stay in hospital. He is scheduled to receive residential care soon – hopefully within the next 4-6 weeks. This is a program that lasts for 6 months. His mental health has been a very difficult thing to handle on top of leaving and disentangling myself from my SH. He is fully estranged from his father who believes that I have brainwashed him. My son is my number 1 priority and as his primary carer I am bound by all the restrictions and impositions this brings with it which is why employment in a regular job is not tenable at the moment.

I am intending to go down the route of financials and divorce this year. This will not only test me will undoubtedly see an escalation in his paranoia and delusional behaviour because he will see this as a threat.

Thank you so much for all your advice. I will check out the many resources you referred to. I’m not from the USA so would have to source legal information from my country (Australia).

It’s comforting to know and hear that people like yourself are so invested in helping fellow victims. It provides us with greater strength and clarity.

With appreciation
Juki x

Jan7

Hi jukidragonfly, your welcome. I aways say that the one thing all of our ex sociopaths did not count on is all their victims joining forces to lift each other up & sharing things that might help someone. Thank you for posting back with more detail. Very tough situation you are in. It is all to common for a victim to be entangled/meshed into the sociopaths life as much as you are right now. I too was in the same mess it’s not easy getting out I finally just walked away and said enough because my ex wanted to still control me even after escaping his grips. I am sorry that you can’t leave your job at the moment but it sounds like you have a good handle on your life right now which is a better place then living with him.

I am also sorry to hear about your sons depression. Look into adrenal fatigue for your son also. Symptoms of adrenal fatigue include depression, anxiety, mood swings, memory loss, sleep issues etc. The list is very long you can look at the sites above that I posted for the full list. If you look on Adrenal fatigue. org they list doctors who treat adrenal fatigue in Australia or you can find a Endocrinologist doctor (might be a different name in AU). IF you google Dr Wilson adrenal fatigue kids you tube…you can find a video on his decision about children having adrenal fatigue. Also Dr Amen has a video on depression. Dr amen is a leading brain specialist in the USA but works with patients all over the world. He has conducted over 80,0000 brain scans, endless brain studies and has countless books including one on depression/anxiety on the New York Times best sellers list. His site is Amenclinic. com and you can also find his book list on amazon or maybe at your library.

Google:

Dr Wilson adrenal fatigue kids you tube

Dr Amen depression you tube

Dr Amen PBS you tube

Dr Fuhrman PBS you tube

It is extremely common for victims of a sociopath to have anxiety & depression = adrenal fatigue. Adrenal fatigue is often over looked as the root cause of these issues. The good news is with in 6 months to 2 years a patient can heal their adrenal glands with a good clean diet, plenty of rest & relaxation and vitamin/minerals. To speed up the process a good clean diet such as Dr Fuhrman’s eat to live will flood the body with much needed vitamins & minerals. Obviously check with your doctor before switching diets & adding vitamins.

Have you had your son (& you) tested for vitamin and mineral deficiency? There are many studies that most people who have anxiety & depression (adrenal fatigue) are vitamin & mineral deficient especially in D vitamin. I would highly recommend that you both get tested for all vitamin/mineral deficiency and also cortisol levels. Both Dr Lam & Dr Wilson have books on Adrenal fatigue.

When I left my ex I could barely get out of bed I was that sick = adrenal fatigue. I was lucky enough to have a friend suggest that I go to a hormonal specialist who tested me for vitamin/mineral deficiency, cortisol test (this you can look at adrenal fatigue. org for info) and thyroid T3 & T4 plus hormonal imbalance. Everything was out of range. Within 4 hours of taking the Rx progesterone pills my anxiety was half and within a month my anxiety was almost gone…(fight or flight mode and kicked in during my marriage and could not such off). According to Dr Amen if you have depression you also have anxiety.

I am sorry that you have been through so much 🙁 and still have so much to deal with while at the same time taking care of your mother, your son. HUGE HUGS to you. Take care.

Jan7

Jukidragonfly, I just googled “Adrenal fatigue children” and there is a lot of info on this subject for you & your son to read. Here part of one article that was posted:

“…Did you wake up tired this morning?

You’re not the only one.

Adrenal fatigue is one of the most prevalent disorders in the world today, affecting both children and adults. Our adrenal glands help us deal with stress in our everyday lives. No stress is too big or small for the adrenal glands. Failed relationships, food allergies, a poor diet, injuries, nerve racking tests, and school morning jitters are all fair game as far as our adrenal glands are concerned. Adrenal fatigue syndrome results when the adrenal glands function below normal levels, usually the result of prolonged, chronic stress.

Adrenal fatigue can affect any person, at any age. Sadly, more and more children are suffering symptoms of adrenal fatigue. Conventional medicine does not recognize adrenal fatigue syndrome until the adrenal glands reach the point of complete failure (Addison’s disease). As a result, many people go through life suffering from undiagnosed adrenal symptoms”tired, foggy, stressed, tired, foggy, stressed, etc.

The good news is, we don’t have to go through life tired and stressed anymore (or foggy either!). There are many things you can start doing now to boost your quality of life.
Burned Out Babies?

You may be thinking your little ones are too young to “burn out” but unfortunately children’s adrenal glands see stress even before birth. Children born to mothers with adrenal fatigue and children who experience stress in utero usually have lower adrenal function (remember that stress in utero can come from various sources— like a mama who eats food she is sensitive to while pregnant or a mama who is stressed out because of a high risk pregnancy). Because of this, children may be less able to deal with stress in their lives and may also suffer from adrenal fatigue symptoms like lowered immune function. Unfortunately, illness causes additional stress in the body and compounds the problem of adrenal fatigue and lowered immune function, creating a vicious cycle.

For babies and children who are more at risk for adrenal fatigue (or for those who exhibit symptoms of adrenal fatigue) it is wise stay aware of nutritional and lifestyle factors that might be causing unnecessary stress….”

Jan7

I forgot to add that my doctor also gave me Dr Wilson’s adrenal fatigue vitamins & progesterone pills (hormonal to clam the body) nature hormone not man made. Here is some other vitamins that you should have your son tested for. Have a full vitamin panel tested including but not limiting to C, E, B complex, Magnesium. The body needs these vitamins to calm the body. Look into magnesium & B complex and the relationship with anxiety & depression.

Your son is also at the age his hormones are changing & with the stress he was enduring with his father his hormones could also be out of balance and needs to be adjusted with short term pills or cream.

jukidragonfly

Hi Jan7,

Thank you ever so much for providing all this useful information about adrenal fatigue. Ufortunately, to the best of my knowledge and understanding, this is not a condition which has been accepted at large by conventional western medicine as we know it. Due to this general medically trained practitioners will not entertain this or include it in their differential diagnosis when dealing with a patient. I have an allied health background and have scientific medical training and due to this don’t normally subscribe to what is inconclusively proven via conventional methods.

I would be more than happy to introduce this concept into our regular medical regime … which to be perfectly honest is not much. I will mention this to the team of clinicians which are treating my son and see how it goes down.

Thank you again for your advice.
Juki x

Jan7

Jukidragonfly, your welcome. Wishing you & your family all the best!

kaya48

Andi
I think you should not read his emails . If you get for some reason hit delete. Change you email asters so it will be returned to him. Do not respond or communicate in any way. I have been there. I know how hard it is not to respond and give them control. Totally ignore him. I did this almost 3 years ago. And I am still ignoring my ex husband. It’s the ONLY way to recover.

andi

Thank you for replying so quickly. I know – every time I get any sort of contact it totally undermines me. I’d set up rules on my Mac and in my other email accounts to block it because I know what it does to me. I feel so lost and adrift at the moment. How is it possible to be like this?
x

andi

Guess what – I’d missed out a full stop in the email address…. sorted now x

kaya48

You know every time I read any of my husbands messages I inflicted more pain on me. It was like stabbing me in the heart all over again. He would write things that would attack my self worth and self esteem. He tried to slowly destroy me to shift the blame away from him and onto me. All the while he was living it up with the coworker going on cruises and dinners etc. once in awhile he had to make sure that I was still in pain, that I was still crying and hurting. And that’s when he sent those messages. I never told him I starred no contact. I just did. After a few months I saw the truth for the first time in my 20 year marriage. I was married to evil. I refuse to communicate with the devil. My ex will not bring any darkness in my life again. Because I won’t let him. I am in control and he is the enemy. Will that ever change ? Absolutely not. I now know that any contact with him will undo my almost 3 years of hard work , self control and self discipline. You have to guard your “inner child”. I had to use my brain when my heart wanted to respond to him. And eventually my brain took over. My heart healed. Of course there was an emptiness at first but I replaced it with happiness.

NotWhatHeSaidofMe

kaya48
“I had to use my brain when my heart wanted to respond to him. And eventually my brain took over. My heart healed. Of course there was an emptiness at first but I replaced it with happiness.”

YES. Emptiness is NORMAL but… we replace it with HAPPINESS….something that was never going to be real while with a monster.

Bravo Kaya. So much wisdom. It’s not easy to leave b/c it means we have to give up hope. But what we failed to realize was that they was NO HOPE from the moment he said hello. It was NEVER going to be what he promised b/c HE was NOT made that way. We could EVERYTHING right and life with him was ALWAYS going to fail, always going to be massive heartache b/c… he was incapable of anything else.

kaya48

Not what he said of me
This is so true. Life with him was always a struggle,exhausting and tiring. It was never calm. If it started calm and “happy” it ended it tears and drama. Yes, it is difficult to give up hope. And I never wanted to give up hope. But there was no hope left for me , I had no more strength to compete with his affair partners. Which I should have never done in the first place. It was devastating for me at first but then so freeing, so empowering and just so RIGHT. My world fell into place. A wonderful , sane place.

stunnedmullet

I have been reading this site today as I suspect that my now recent ex partner is seriously deceptive, it has felt like something else is going on the whole time I was with him and we were slowly marching towards my doom. Sounds strange but I started to feel he was working his way into setting me up for ruination. I could never love him enough, prove it enough or answer the phone, have sex or do anything enough for him. He was always unhappy and came up with several reasons why it was me. This would be a speech I would hear about once every two weeks with much yelling sulking and drama, then a walk out, then endless text and calls until I gave in.
He had issue with everyone I knew, my work and my ex husband(which I understand) but I had split with my ex 2 years before we met and while there was issues I have handled them very well. All I heard was how my ex and I were to attached (seriously NOTHING further from the truth) and how I was cheating, about to cheat or was planning on it.
One day not long ago I was sitting on my couch listening to another lecture about how I don’t know how to love, how I am clearly about to cheat and something just snapped inside me and I ended it a few days later.
I went no contact (as I read this is best) and boy oh boy DID I get calls, text even at work. He came to my house scaring my daughter with his anger and went to my caravan site when I wasn’t there leaving a hidden note for my 9 year old daughter.
After so much emotional abuse, roller coaster riding and declarations of his endless love in the last two years I just couldn’t do it anymore. Right up until late last night he was texting he loved me, needed me- I read this site then went on the local RSVP site and found him on there a few minutes ago!!!. seriously WTF??. Why am I so mad?. I am not calling him on it at all, just riding the wave. I feel sick.
At least I have the below to be thankful for- No matter how much he tried to get me to move in I didn’t, we shared no money, no child and I kept my friend’s as separate as I could. and yet I couldn’t let go of him for 2 years??. even though looking back I was flat out trying to protect my child and I from him. No one I have dated ever said I was the things he said. I know I have faults and funnily enough those faults have been mentioned by a couple of men (so yes I know they are my faults)
He has a HUGE tax debt from a closed business, hasn’t paid personal tax for 5 Years (big no no in Australia)he has been fired 3 times in the last two years and slept with hundreds of woman according to him. so I am a Stunned mullet (aussie for mouth open and flopping about with no clue what the hell is going on). The expression is ” don’t just stand there like a Stunned Mullet, do something”. This Stunned mullet is going to keep the no contact up and is looking for a way to heal from this nonsense. Seriously HE is out there dating days later??. After saying that’s what I am doing-GOD no way.
Also I am so sorry to read the stuff I have on this site, but its helped me already.

Dragonleight

Dear Stunnedmullet, I am so sorry this has happened to you. I can certainly understand you being a stunned ‘mullet’ (fellow Aussie)as all the others on this site unfortunately can as well. BTW that is a perfect way to describe that moment when you finally learn the truth. Lovefraud is a wonderful safe space filled with comfort, information, caring & validation.

Keep breathing, We are all here for you!!

Sending you hugs & blessings
Dragon

stunnedmullet

Thank you Dragonleight,
I am trying to take it one day at a time and it seems a journey of a thousand emotions in a day, kind of like my real feelings have now had a chance to be released because I am no longer under the very real chaotic storm of an existence that I was. Being held ransom to the daily onslaught of his feelings and thoughts was hard work to keep up with. I think it was more about the effect that it was having on me, than any kind of validity the storms he caused had.
I was too confused and upset, blaming myself for not understanding what was going on in my relationship, looking for solutions or reasons-to stop and think, maybe that’s how he wanted it to be. Me feeling like that so he could change my frame of reference about who I am on a fundamental level.
I just stopped trying to make it work and focused on being me every time he complained to any degree I would hold up what I believed the world to be like, and how I want to be and how I felt-this all quietly in my head with minimal expression to him, I would just go about life my way.
That’s when he said very nasty things about who I am according to him, his experience of me was apparently awful. I was a terrible person on so many levels. I could feel his frustration building so I kept quietly just being me because I just cant change for him. very tough ignoring his verbal onslaughts. then I just had enough and now I feel washed up on the beach after a storm, surrounded by broken things but alive. what I sense as my biggest loss is my confidence. I have been through a great deal in my life with dignity and now I lose my confidence-because of being around him?. so now I kept who I am intact-but now I don’t think I have much value, maybe because its been a very dark person who has reflected my qualities back to me.
on another note his RSVP profile has a nice series of photos of him, he always looks kind and laid back in photos (weird). But they are head shots that were clearly taken at his last job site, were he stopped working only a day after we broke up. and he isn’t any of the things on the site he listed. I thought oh my god, that’s how I would of loved that dickhead to be. Grrr, I have to let that lie go, like the rest.
If after reading some of these posts and being so amazed at what everyone on this site has been through I feel very humbled to be on here. seriously strong people on here.

Dragonleight

Dear Stunnedmullet,

Pat yourself on the back, you did it! You CHOSE YOU! Write your name down on the list of strong women because…..YOU ARE ONE OF US…Together we will all RISE Stronger & Smarter than ever. One day their KARMA will catch up with them

I can so understand that, some days it felt like he was haunting me inside my head. It was almost as crazy making as when i was still with him. I made a habit of every time him or thoughts of him came into my head I would say “NO! You ARE NOT WELCOME, PISS OFF” For the first month this became my mantra, some days I would be screaming it, but then it eased, still happens but not as much & i don’t go in panic mode any where as much.

There will be lots of ups and downs as you begin to heal & sort out your life “Spath Free” woohoo! Come on here vent, read, connect, we all understand where you are at & where you have been. You are not alone!! Hang in there-One minute, One hour, One step at a time and you will get there.

Just wanted to say HE wasn’t a mirror reflecting you, more like a pane of glass which showed him! HIS words, reflections & actions are ALL him, try not to take them on as your own because THEY ARE A LIE! THEY ARE NOT YOU!!

Sending you hugs, peace & blessings
Dragon

emtuoba

Dear Mullet.
Glad you found us here. All have been travelers in crazy land with this terrible people. I like the stunned mullet expression. Cute. We in south Texas used stunned mullet pieces fir bait to fish in the surf. I hadn’t thought about mullets in a very long time.
My ex didn’t pay taxes either. He had several failed businesses. Of course the businesses failed because if the ex wives (4) that failed to keep good books and pay taxes. Hahahaha. Doesn’t sound like his latest new business is doing well either. Maybe he will blame new wife (5). Hahahaha. The common denominator is him not his poor wives. Oh well #5 deserves what ever nastiness comes her way. She is a home wrecker. Sometimes I’m almost grateful for her though. He is gone. This time for good. Thank god in heaven for that.
Hang tight Mullet. Things do get better. 😊

kaya48

One time a therapist said to me “you cannot make someone love you and have respect for you if they are not capable of love and empathy. No matter what you do, how much you try, how much you are willing to change, he will never love you. My ex husband of 20 years viewed “love” as sex. Nothing else. No emotional connection, no compassion , no empathy. It was about fulfilling his sexual needs. Nothing more. Even the connection was only child, his son was missing. He was inappropriate spouse the entire marriage. When I caught him in his affairs , it was the first time he was caught. That’s all. And this is why they can discard and move on so easily. Because they have absolutely no connection with you. I will never go back to be played like a fool because now I outsmarted him by divorcing him.

kaya48

Stunned mullet
This is exactly how they want you to be, how they want you to feel. Dazed and confused. My ex loved making me so upset that I was so confused. Then he could claim “gosh , look at you , how crazy you are, get yourself together “. They feed on that. I call it “ego kibbles” . It’s their narcissistic food supply. Without us feeding into their selfishness they would be nothing. It’s their blood line. I was so manipulated that I fed my ex his kibbles for 20 years. And even after he left for the other woman I was the nices person to him, pleading and begging for his affection or for his return. Until I woke up one morning and I had enough and filed for divorce. Now I cannot understand what a puppet he shaped me into. Only after many months of no contact was I able to see this. I am recorderd and healed now. But it was a difficult road. You must focus just on yourself. Don’t look him up on any social websites or even his friends. Take it one day w a time and think of YOU only. It’s HIM and only HIM who caused you this pain and this why you can NEVER be friends . Once my ex husband said ,” maybe we can be friends one day. ,”. Yeah never in my lifetime. I am not friends with the devil.

stunnedmullet

Kaya48- OMG-I will never go back on that site again, your right, while I have not had any contact with him- in spite of the flood from him I am being somewhat obsessive in my thinking about him now I know he is on there. He dropped a massive hint in one of the text messages which is why I looked. Damn it!! I haven’t gone back since I found him and wont. I don’t have face book or any of that stuff so I will bring my thinking back to me and my life. Train myself back into not being anyone’s life blood. Thank goodness I never texted him when I found it-I had a mad urge to and really-he can do what he likes its his life not mine. I will never be his friend – that’s a bit like trying to swim with salt water crocodiles and expecting to survive.
THANK YOU.

emtuoba

Happy 1/14/16 Everyone.

think I am feeling better. I feel a little better I think. I am maintaining the NC. Well my version of it for now. I will not call him. i only answer texts as we are trying to complete the dog transfers, puppy transfers, and truck payment and hopefully transfer this month. he came by for his dog. I gave him the last puppies as I have had enough and needed to move on in life. hated to see them go but I know he will find good homes for them. I successfully place 6 of them and I am very proud of the homes that I have found. They will be adored. That is all I cared about.
he came over and I barely looked at him. he wanted to tell me how bad his week was. How unsuccessful his new business is, how much money he lost last week. did not engage. walked away and went to my room until he was leaving and took the dog out of my bed. I kissed her goodbye. asked him if he was leaving and closed the garage door behind him. I was so proud. I didn’t inquire as to the state of his marriage, where he was living. if he was happy, or how the shop was doing. I had absolutely nothing to say to him except to ask that he honor his promises and fix my house that the dog ate, and trade off the truck.
really I didn’t feel much of anything. I didn’t cry, I didn’t beg him to stay or offer him a drink, I ignored him the whole time he was removing things from the garage. I just want him and the memory of him gone. I owe all this to this site. If I had not found this place I would still be in shock and wheeling as to what the heck happend. I had a rough start but I really feel I am doing better. The 3 am panic attacks are fewer. mostly just over the truck. he could bankrupt me is he just walks away from it. but about him or memories not even a twinge. I know that they were all fake just as he is fake. I know he never cared for me ever he was just interested in how I could help further is plans. I know that he took 5 x more than he ever gave. I know that I feel such a weight is gone now that he is gone. I don’t walk the floors all night, I don’t have to worry if he is dead on the road or all snuggled in for the night with some low life skank. I am glad that he is on his own. I wish him the best of luck because he is goin to NEED IT

Dragonleight

Emtuoba,

Wow it is so great to read you being in a good space. Woohoo on keeping up the NC & not interacting when you were in his presence. Way To Go! I hope things continue to improve & you get plenty of peace, sleep & healing.

Sending hugs & blessings
Dragon

emtuoba

Thank you dragon. I’ve got my moments every day but that night I was Bette Davis, Joan Crawford,Marlana Detrix , and the WICKED WITCH OF THE WEST 😈 Pretty bad ass if I Must brag on myself, he was banging things around. Wanted me to sit and talk. Watch him pack, talk over stuff. HELL NO ! I watched Vanderbelt Rules. Hahahahah. In bed with all the dogs. “His” dog ( what a joke ) he had to pull away. And pups bring pups were taken one at
a time. Saw him on face book. He came up as an advertisement for a biker dating site. Hahahah. Caption was. ( looking for a riding partner for life) gosh I hope that made it to home wreckers face book too. How wonderfully delicious that would be. 😈

Dragonleight

Hahahaha emtuoba, Very BAD ASS indeed!! way to go!love your sense of humour and they do so much stuff that is so unbelievable, that at times all you can do is laugh! what pathetic, soul destroying, wanna be humans they really are!!

Lmao…..hopefully someone comes along and rides right over his ass haha sorry that is bad of me, just the gall of these people! it is almost like they are on a mission to destroy as many lives as possible-everything about them is mind boggling.

Hope your truck issues get sorted real soon and you are having days full of healing, peace and rest. Thinking of you. Stay strong.

Sending blessings and hugs
Dragon

kaya48

Emtuoba
I am so very proud of you. You sound much stronger now. I know it is difficult. When my ex came back a few times to pick up things at the house after the discard, he pushed my buttons again and I fed right into it. Wrong thing to do because I was left in tears once again. You did the right thing not to engage in any deep communication. Back then I did not know the truth yet.
And the panic attacks will eventually fade away. I had them every night. Sometimes during work when I had to get myself under control so nobody would notice. Luckily I have a super nice supporting boss, co workers and directors. I almost freaked out when he had the temporary injunction against me delivered to my work place. They all assured me that they knew how evil he was. It was dismissed by the judge 2 weeks later anyhow. But he had so much control over me while the injunction was in place. He did that to gain an “upper hand” in the divorce which he failed at. Had I missed up and contacted him or his family 2000 miles away I would have been arrested on criminal charges. That is when I deleted all phone numbers, emails etc. and changed my own not to give him a chance to call me and then have me arrested by his deputy co workers.
Thinking back I functioned like a robot. I hated that my then 18 year old son had to see me like a mess every day. But I slowly got better and here I am today. My old self ,much wiser and more resilient. It was not a good experience but it made me so much stronger. You will be at the same place one day and you will look back and recognize that we can handle trials that are thrown in our way.
” the pain of regret is much bigger than the pain of discipline”.

emtuoba

Thanks Kaya.
I did do pretty good. Funny but I was afraid to look at his face. I looked down to the side any place but right at him.
He sent a text yesterday that sent me whirrling. All I wanted was the latest on trading the truck. Instead he promised me all the money he owes me and more, house repairs, trading the truck and his assurance he would take a “double blade” to the heart rather than intentionally hurt me. He goes on to say what a wonderful kind pure hearted person I am and it was his honor and privilege to know me and have had me In his life. He further says he never lied to me, disrespected me or intentionally hurt me. Are you kidding ? Not sure what planet he is on but that is pure bull crap. Does he really believe that he has been a loving kind and honest man with only the best intentions for me ? He is insane.
I did like hearing all the nice things. A double blade to the heart didn’t sound too bad either. Hahahaha. I found as the day wore on I started missing him. I missed the good times we had together. I started wondering if he got married. Where they are living. How is she treating my dogs. I really hope that doesn’t start coming into play again. I like it much better when I have no thoughts of him at all. He did sound convincing about the truck. God I hope so. He says it will be traded by February. Won’t that be wonderful ! I’ve been stuck with the worry and burden of that truck since 2011…. It will be wonderful to be finally free.
Best of everything Kaya.

emtuoba

Oh Dear Kaya.
Glad he is gone and you are living well again. That’s all I want for myself. That’s what I want for all of us here traveling through this sociopath fun house and house of glass of mirrors. Wish we all could meet some where around a fire, shake hands, and drink wine, tequila , whiskey or water. What an extremely powerful gathering that would be. I know I would want to hug and thank you all. I am blessed, encouraged and supported every day on this site. I am a lucky woman.

andi

Bless this site – all the strong people out there, and all of us still struggling. I’m just very slowly beginning to feel my inner strength awakening. I still wake with the gripping pain in the stomach, I still spend the morning tense with anxiety and in floods of tears but I am limiting the time I allow myself to do this and there are now times in the afternoon when I’m starting to remember my old self. I find talking to myself, giving myself a kick up the backside and telling him to f*** off – this really helps strengthen my resolve!!
I too am feeling guilty about my son seeing me like this – he’s 23 – so your comments, Kaya, are so welcome.
Thank you, thank you everyone!!
Ax

emtuoba

Andi
You are doing great. It’s difinately a process. In the beginning I came to this site 10 times a day. I truly believed it saved my life. I’m doing a little better these days and I can skip a few days. I always come back though because I still need you guys. I am so happy for those that are getting stronger and so sad for those just finding their selves here. The newbies are barely able to breathe. I remember those days. It’s wasn’t that long ago. Still have good days and bad days myself but things are getting better.
You sound better yourself. Together we will all make it to a better life. I know we will.
God bless us all.

kaya48

Andi
Yes it broke my heart also that my son had to see me like this for months. Often he was more adult than me. Taking my phone away so I was not able to answer my husband insults and attacks. I hated that he saw me crying 24/7. But at the same time he was a great support , I had to get myself together for him. He had just started his freshman year in college and living with me. It was an entire new world for him and I hated that my ex husband took all my sons sense of stability and security away by not paying any bills and spending his entire paycheck on his whores/ co workers/ minions. But there was also other options and we managed to keep my son in college. He now is a senior and is doing excellent. And to this day my biggest accomplishment in life is that I was successful in raising my son to be nothing , absolutely nothing like his father.
I know what you mean about having conversations with yourself. I did that often by just talking to my ex in my head. Also I learned to stop thinking about what he done to me ,to be my “inner child “who had to guard my desire to talk to him. To discipline me and to protect me from further harm. Things slowly improved. I started to smile again and find pleasure in just simple things. Life was good again. Of course I missed my “marriage” but was it really a marriage ? It was an illusion and that’s all.

andi

What an uplifting story. I keep reading and re-resding it. Fortunately my son is not related to my ex and is nothing like him in the remotest possible way. You have done a wonderful job to protect your son from the poison of narcissism and you are so right to be proud.
Have just had the humiliation of checking into a sexually transmitted disease clinic this morning, for the first time in my life. 60 bloody years old and I have to do this. I’m so, so angry and want to shout and bawl at him to let him know what he’s done. But I won’t – I don’t want to poison my phone or my computer with his bile. I was taught a wonderful technique the other day to think of anger like food – our body will know what to do with it to digest it. Just imagine it passing through your body and allow the body to take what it needs from it that is healthy and sustaining and excrete the waste.
i’m trying it now……
Ax

kaya48

Emtuoba
I think his text shows that he does not want to completely lose control of you. Just like my ex. He wanted to keep me on the back burner just in case. I was always afraid to look at him. My lawyer said “don’t look at him ” in court. But followed his advice and even wore sunglasses sometimes. I said I had problems with my eyes. I can imagine how difficult it is to let go of the puppies. I got my 2 little dogs and the cat in the divorce. Luckily my ex did big fight for them as they would only “bother ” him on his “adventures” with his minion. Can’t take them on cruises etc.
With time it will get better. In time you will notice how strong you can be.

emtuoba

Dear Kaya.
His back burner is broken, doesn’t exist, had no flame, ran out of gas, and the knob to ignite it is not allowed in my home again. If we meet it will be outside next to the trash can. Strong message for us both there.
And always Dear Kaya thank you for your support. It is my life line at present.

kaya48

Emtuoba
Indeed it would be nice if we could all meet one day. We all had the sand me husband/boyfriend , just different names for him. I am so glad I survived this drama. And so grateful that I had the strength to file for the divorce and go through with it. These evil monster think there will be no consequences for their action. But they will come. And with vengeance. My ex threw away his wife and son, his house, and his integrity. He is the one who lost everything. Sure he has freedom to be a pervert. No one checks his phone or plays detective. But I have so much more. I have my son and he is my family. Like I said “whores come and go, but family is forever “.

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