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Zora, Another Girlfriend-Sociopaths and Sex Addiction

Women Turnover

I could never make sense of the turn over of women.  I would think to myself, there is no way that he is actually sleeping with these women, maybe flirting.  With the speed of turn over that he would have with these women, in addition to the fact that there were more than several going on at once, I could not fathom.  Unfortunately it is possible, and it happens all the time.  It’s called sex addiction.

As all of this was going on; my mind felt like it was on fire.  I would try to think and rationalize and make sense of what was happening, but I could not.  For me I hadn’t really heard of sex addiction, nor had made any connections to the spath about it at that point.  It sure would have helped me put the puzzle pieces together about what was going on a lot sooner if I had.

Zora the Testosterone Provider

A year after my daughter was born we visited his parents in his home country.  After a very, very long trip to get to Central America with a baby, we finally made it into the hotel room in the city.  Of course he left me and the baby there so he could go out.  For moments I was at rest in the quiet, but then also felt strange being so far from home and alone in an unfamiliar place.

There was the itch.  The detective-like urge that controls your life when you know your spouse is being unfaithful.  You want to know what is really going on.  You want to come out from under their cloud; out of the shadows you live under.  I realized that he had left his phone in the room to charge.

There was a burning inside me to check it to see if I could uncover something that would incriminate him enough for me to leave him.  I wanted all this wondering to be over.

So I picked up the phone and started to go through it.  By this time I knew where to check, all the hiding places on the phone, all the deleted stuff.  I didn’t have to go that far.  Scrolling through the text messages I found a conversation with a girl named Zora.

The spath was bragging to her about his office, which I decorated and leased, and was asking her for testosterone shots.  I believe she was in the medical field of some sort.  She had sent a picture of her, surprisingly clothed, and she looked nothing like what I thought his “type” was.  I thought to myself, it couldn’t be.  I didn’t know he was into women like that.  Apparently he wasn’t really into women like that, he was just into women period.

Stab in the Heart…Again

Then the dagger.  After several attempts on his end to get her to meet with him and her conflicting schedule, he finally mentioned for her to take her Wednesday off work and that they could spend the whole day together.  My heart raced, I felt my stomach come up in my  mouth and my body began to shake.  Not only was he being unfaithful, it was the way he went about it in connection to our relationship.

Since the beginning of our relationship, he never wanted to spend time with me.  It didn’t matter what it was, there was always a limit.  A couple hours here, a couple hours there.  I began to form an anxiety when we would hang out for any extended period of time because I was afraid we were spending too much time together and he was going to get annoyed, angry and take it out on me how I take up too much of his time.

A Twisted Relationship

I learned how to make myself scarce.  I learned to pretend that I didn’t need him around or want him around to shield what I really desired which was to have a partner to do things with.  I had been neglected and turned down and made to feel like an annoyance for so many years that I had to twist what was normal in a relationship to accommodate him and what he wanted, which was for me to not be around much or need anything from him.

So to hear him suggesting to another woman, while he is married, for her to take a whole day off work to spend with him was an astonishment.  It was a personal slam to me in so many ways.  I wondered to myself what was I that I didn’t receive the same courtesies or attention?  Why was it so hard to attain from this person?  Why was it that I never felt special or that I mattered?  What was it that she had that I didn’t?  Why do I feel like such a failure and insignificant?

The answer came, but years later when I learned about sex addiction.  Sex addiction is a sociopath trait.  It’s almost inherent in sociopaths.  Sex addicts aren’t necessarily sociopaths, but most sociopaths have a sex addiction.  I believe it comes from the fact that sociopaths have no relation to a conscience, they are empty, an empty shell of a person.  Sex addiction helps to fill a high that they are seeking and also allows them to act without a conscience.

Here Comes the Lie

After searching through the phone, I called the spath.  He didn’t seem alarmed, which was usual of my questioning.  He did tell me however that he purposefully left his phone in the room because he knew I would look at it.  How sick.  How sick of a game he was playing.

Let me try to remember the lie on this occasion.  Oh yea, he told me that she was just a doctor friend of his that slipped him testosterone shots under the table so to speak for his cycling.  That he needed more testosterone to be able to compete in the cycling club that he was in.

He had asked her to hang out just to see what she would say, but that was it, there was nothing going on.  I believe he also tried to spin that he was pretending to talk to her for one of his friends because he was too shy to start talking to her himself.  I’m like really?  What are we in high school?  That didn’t make any sense because of the phone number situation.

He was talking with her on some chat app and he tried to convince me that it was some kind of an alias account or something he had set up to help hook his friend up with this chick.  How extraordinary.  The length that he went through to conjure up a story like that was phenomenal.

I knew what I knew, I knew what I saw.  What was I to do?  The feelings of being trapped, not just in the relationship, but physically where I was, was almost enough to send me over the edge.

Always Two Bad Choices

My options were to stick it out in another country where I am not fluent in the language and be at his mercy, which was nothing grandiose, for a month with a baby, or create a huge fight and travel back home with a baby by myself and wait for a month until he returned home to deal with this.  Neither option was good.  That was the thing.  Being with a sociopath there was never a good choice;  there were always two bad choices.  There was a choice, but both choices would result in extreme anguish and pain.

He would not follow me if I was upset.  He would just let me go and show no care in the world that I was hurting.  This was even more infuriating.  To know that I could leave the country with his daughter by myself and go back home because of something I saw on his phone, and him continue on his vacation with no feel was incredible.

Then I would be stuck at home with no contact and no chance to try and resolve and or uncover what was really happening.  I was under his control; stuck in a corner feeling like there was no way out.  I think I really wanted him to tell me something that would convince me that he wasn’t doing what I knew he was doing.  I really wanted to believe he wasn’t.

The reality of it all was just too painful to swallow.  I thought that if I stayed, at least he would be there for me to continue to ask questions and he would be forced to answer.  That was my deception.

Stable State

Somehow between his manipulation and my desire to not want to believe he was cheating again, lead me to a somewhat stable state.  I put the experience in a far back memory in my head and continued on with the trip.

Traveling deeper and deeper into the heart of a third world country where I would be showering in a bucket of water, eating strange foods that made me sick, taking care of a little baby, and being left alone in a 8×8 concrete room for hours with no air conditioning or access to anything I knew was where I was going.  Left to sit and think alone about what was really happening in my life.  I felt completely helpless, sinking into a dark hole of despair and confusion and pain.

I don’t know how I made it through that trip.  I don’t know how I made it through 10 years of being with a person that sucked the life and all the good things out and then sewed fear, resentment, anxiety, anguish, chaos, strife, confusion, abandonment, disgust, and despair into my being.  I don’t know except by the grace of God I have another chance at life and the person who I really am, which is none of the things he brought into my life.

 


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106 Comments on "Zora, Another Girlfriend-Sociopaths and Sex Addiction"

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Happy 1/14/16 Everyone.

think I am feeling better. I feel a little better I think. I am maintaining the NC. Well my version of it for now. I will not call him. i only answer texts as we are trying to complete the dog transfers, puppy transfers, and truck payment and hopefully transfer this month. he came by for his dog. I gave him the last puppies as I have had enough and needed to move on in life. hated to see them go but I know he will find good homes for them. I successfully place 6 of them and I am very proud of the homes that I have found. They will be adored. That is all I cared about.
he came over and I barely looked at him. he wanted to tell me how bad his week was. How unsuccessful his new business is, how much money he lost last week. did not engage. walked away and went to my room until he was leaving and took the dog out of my bed. I kissed her goodbye. asked him if he was leaving and closed the garage door behind him. I was so proud. I didn’t inquire as to the state of his marriage, where he was living. if he was happy, or how the shop was doing. I had absolutely nothing to say to him except to ask that he honor his promises and fix my house that the dog ate, and trade off the truck.
really I didn’t feel much of anything. I didn’t cry, I didn’t beg him to stay or offer him a drink, I ignored him the whole time he was removing things from the garage. I just want him and the memory of him gone. I owe all this to this site. If I had not found this place I would still be in shock and wheeling as to what the heck happend. I had a rough start but I really feel I am doing better. The 3 am panic attacks are fewer. mostly just over the truck. he could bankrupt me is he just walks away from it. but about him or memories not even a twinge. I know that they were all fake just as he is fake. I know he never cared for me ever he was just interested in how I could help further is plans. I know that he took 5 x more than he ever gave. I know that I feel such a weight is gone now that he is gone. I don’t walk the floors all night, I don’t have to worry if he is dead on the road or all snuggled in for the night with some low life skank. I am glad that he is on his own. I wish him the best of luck because he is goin to NEED IT

Emtuoba,

Wow it is so great to read you being in a good space. Woohoo on keeping up the NC & not interacting when you were in his presence. Way To Go! I hope things continue to improve & you get plenty of peace, sleep & healing.

Sending hugs & blessings
Dragon

Thank you dragon. I’ve got my moments every day but that night I was Bette Davis, Joan Crawford,Marlana Detrix , and the WICKED WITCH OF THE WEST 😈 Pretty bad ass if I Must brag on myself, he was banging things around. Wanted me to sit and talk. Watch him pack, talk over stuff. HELL NO ! I watched Vanderbelt Rules. Hahahahah. In bed with all the dogs. “His” dog ( what a joke ) he had to pull away. And pups bring pups were taken one at
a time. Saw him on face book. He came up as an advertisement for a biker dating site. Hahahah. Caption was. ( looking for a riding partner for life) gosh I hope that made it to home wreckers face book too. How wonderfully delicious that would be. 😈

Hahahaha emtuoba, Very BAD ASS indeed!! way to go!love your sense of humour and they do so much stuff that is so unbelievable, that at times all you can do is laugh! what pathetic, soul destroying, wanna be humans they really are!!

Lmao…..hopefully someone comes along and rides right over his ass haha sorry that is bad of me, just the gall of these people! it is almost like they are on a mission to destroy as many lives as possible-everything about them is mind boggling.

Hope your truck issues get sorted real soon and you are having days full of healing, peace and rest. Thinking of you. Stay strong.

Sending blessings and hugs
Dragon

Emtuoba
I am so very proud of you. You sound much stronger now. I know it is difficult. When my ex came back a few times to pick up things at the house after the discard, he pushed my buttons again and I fed right into it. Wrong thing to do because I was left in tears once again. You did the right thing not to engage in any deep communication. Back then I did not know the truth yet.
And the panic attacks will eventually fade away. I had them every night. Sometimes during work when I had to get myself under control so nobody would notice. Luckily I have a super nice supporting boss, co workers and directors. I almost freaked out when he had the temporary injunction against me delivered to my work place. They all assured me that they knew how evil he was. It was dismissed by the judge 2 weeks later anyhow. But he had so much control over me while the injunction was in place. He did that to gain an “upper hand” in the divorce which he failed at. Had I missed up and contacted him or his family 2000 miles away I would have been arrested on criminal charges. That is when I deleted all phone numbers, emails etc. and changed my own not to give him a chance to call me and then have me arrested by his deputy co workers.
Thinking back I functioned like a robot. I hated that my then 18 year old son had to see me like a mess every day. But I slowly got better and here I am today. My old self ,much wiser and more resilient. It was not a good experience but it made me so much stronger. You will be at the same place one day and you will look back and recognize that we can handle trials that are thrown in our way.
” the pain of regret is much bigger than the pain of discipline”.

Thanks Kaya.
I did do pretty good. Funny but I was afraid to look at his face. I looked down to the side any place but right at him.
He sent a text yesterday that sent me whirrling. All I wanted was the latest on trading the truck. Instead he promised me all the money he owes me and more, house repairs, trading the truck and his assurance he would take a “double blade” to the heart rather than intentionally hurt me. He goes on to say what a wonderful kind pure hearted person I am and it was his honor and privilege to know me and have had me In his life. He further says he never lied to me, disrespected me or intentionally hurt me. Are you kidding ? Not sure what planet he is on but that is pure bull crap. Does he really believe that he has been a loving kind and honest man with only the best intentions for me ? He is insane.
I did like hearing all the nice things. A double blade to the heart didn’t sound too bad either. Hahahaha. I found as the day wore on I started missing him. I missed the good times we had together. I started wondering if he got married. Where they are living. How is she treating my dogs. I really hope that doesn’t start coming into play again. I like it much better when I have no thoughts of him at all. He did sound convincing about the truck. God I hope so. He says it will be traded by February. Won’t that be wonderful ! I’ve been stuck with the worry and burden of that truck since 2011…. It will be wonderful to be finally free.
Best of everything Kaya.

Oh Dear Kaya.
Glad he is gone and you are living well again. That’s all I want for myself. That’s what I want for all of us here traveling through this sociopath fun house and house of glass of mirrors. Wish we all could meet some where around a fire, shake hands, and drink wine, tequila , whiskey or water. What an extremely powerful gathering that would be. I know I would want to hug and thank you all. I am blessed, encouraged and supported every day on this site. I am a lucky woman.

Bless this site – all the strong people out there, and all of us still struggling. I’m just very slowly beginning to feel my inner strength awakening. I still wake with the gripping pain in the stomach, I still spend the morning tense with anxiety and in floods of tears but I am limiting the time I allow myself to do this and there are now times in the afternoon when I’m starting to remember my old self. I find talking to myself, giving myself a kick up the backside and telling him to f*** off – this really helps strengthen my resolve!!
I too am feeling guilty about my son seeing me like this – he’s 23 – so your comments, Kaya, are so welcome.
Thank you, thank you everyone!!
Ax

Andi
You are doing great. It’s difinately a process. In the beginning I came to this site 10 times a day. I truly believed it saved my life. I’m doing a little better these days and I can skip a few days. I always come back though because I still need you guys. I am so happy for those that are getting stronger and so sad for those just finding their selves here. The newbies are barely able to breathe. I remember those days. It’s wasn’t that long ago. Still have good days and bad days myself but things are getting better.
You sound better yourself. Together we will all make it to a better life. I know we will.
God bless us all.

Andi
Yes it broke my heart also that my son had to see me like this for months. Often he was more adult than me. Taking my phone away so I was not able to answer my husband insults and attacks. I hated that he saw me crying 24/7. But at the same time he was a great support , I had to get myself together for him. He had just started his freshman year in college and living with me. It was an entire new world for him and I hated that my ex husband took all my sons sense of stability and security away by not paying any bills and spending his entire paycheck on his whores/ co workers/ minions. But there was also other options and we managed to keep my son in college. He now is a senior and is doing excellent. And to this day my biggest accomplishment in life is that I was successful in raising my son to be nothing , absolutely nothing like his father.
I know what you mean about having conversations with yourself. I did that often by just talking to my ex in my head. Also I learned to stop thinking about what he done to me ,to be my “inner child “who had to guard my desire to talk to him. To discipline me and to protect me from further harm. Things slowly improved. I started to smile again and find pleasure in just simple things. Life was good again. Of course I missed my “marriage” but was it really a marriage ? It was an illusion and that’s all.

What an uplifting story. I keep reading and re-resding it. Fortunately my son is not related to my ex and is nothing like him in the remotest possible way. You have done a wonderful job to protect your son from the poison of narcissism and you are so right to be proud.
Have just had the humiliation of checking into a sexually transmitted disease clinic this morning, for the first time in my life. 60 bloody years old and I have to do this. I’m so, so angry and want to shout and bawl at him to let him know what he’s done. But I won’t – I don’t want to poison my phone or my computer with his bile. I was taught a wonderful technique the other day to think of anger like food – our body will know what to do with it to digest it. Just imagine it passing through your body and allow the body to take what it needs from it that is healthy and sustaining and excrete the waste.
i’m trying it now……
Ax

Emtuoba
I think his text shows that he does not want to completely lose control of you. Just like my ex. He wanted to keep me on the back burner just in case. I was always afraid to look at him. My lawyer said “don’t look at him ” in court. But followed his advice and even wore sunglasses sometimes. I said I had problems with my eyes. I can imagine how difficult it is to let go of the puppies. I got my 2 little dogs and the cat in the divorce. Luckily my ex did big fight for them as they would only “bother ” him on his “adventures” with his minion. Can’t take them on cruises etc.
With time it will get better. In time you will notice how strong you can be.

Dear Kaya.
His back burner is broken, doesn’t exist, had no flame, ran out of gas, and the knob to ignite it is not allowed in my home again. If we meet it will be outside next to the trash can. Strong message for us both there.
And always Dear Kaya thank you for your support. It is my life line at present.

Emtuoba
Indeed it would be nice if we could all meet one day. We all had the sand me husband/boyfriend , just different names for him. I am so glad I survived this drama. And so grateful that I had the strength to file for the divorce and go through with it. These evil monster think there will be no consequences for their action. But they will come. And with vengeance. My ex threw away his wife and son, his house, and his integrity. He is the one who lost everything. Sure he has freedom to be a pervert. No one checks his phone or plays detective. But I have so much more. I have my son and he is my family. Like I said “whores come and go, but family is forever “.

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