Women Turnover
I could never make sense of the turn over of women. I would think to myself, there is no way that he is actually sleeping with these women, maybe flirting. With the speed of turn over that he would have with these women, in addition to the fact that there were more than several going on at once, I could not fathom. Unfortunately it is possible, and it happens all the time. It’s called sex addiction.
As all of this was going on; my mind felt like it was on fire. I would try to think and rationalize and make sense of what was happening, but I could not. For me I hadn’t really heard of sex addiction, nor had made any connections to the spath about it at that point. It sure would have helped me put the puzzle pieces together about what was going on a lot sooner if I had.
Zora the Testosterone Provider
A year after my daughter was born we visited his parents in his home country. After a very, very long trip to get to Central America with a baby, we finally made it into the hotel room in the city. Of course he left me and the baby there so he could go out. For moments I was at rest in the quiet, but then also felt strange being so far from home and alone in an unfamiliar place.
There was the itch. The detective-like urge that controls your life when you know your spouse is being unfaithful. You want to know what is really going on. You want to come out from under their cloud; out of the shadows you live under. I realized that he had left his phone in the room to charge.
There was a burning inside me to check it to see if I could uncover something that would incriminate him enough for me to leave him. I wanted all this wondering to be over.
So I picked up the phone and started to go through it. By this time I knew where to check, all the hiding places on the phone, all the deleted stuff. I didn’t have to go that far. Scrolling through the text messages I found a conversation with a girl named Zora.
The spath was bragging to her about his office, which I decorated and leased, and was asking her for testosterone shots. I believe she was in the medical field of some sort. She had sent a picture of her, surprisingly clothed, and she looked nothing like what I thought his “type” was. I thought to myself, it couldn’t be. I didn’t know he was into women like that. Apparently he wasn’t really into women like that, he was just into women period.
Stab in the Heart…Again
Then the dagger. After several attempts on his end to get her to meet with him and her conflicting schedule, he finally mentioned for her to take her Wednesday off work and that they could spend the whole day together. My heart raced, I felt my stomach come up in my mouth and my body began to shake. Not only was he being unfaithful, it was the way he went about it in connection to our relationship.
Since the beginning of our relationship, he never wanted to spend time with me. It didn’t matter what it was, there was always a limit. A couple hours here, a couple hours there. I began to form an anxiety when we would hang out for any extended period of time because I was afraid we were spending too much time together and he was going to get annoyed, angry and take it out on me how I take up too much of his time.
A Twisted Relationship
I learned how to make myself scarce. I learned to pretend that I didn’t need him around or want him around to shield what I really desired which was to have a partner to do things with. I had been neglected and turned down and made to feel like an annoyance for so many years that I had to twist what was normal in a relationship to accommodate him and what he wanted, which was for me to not be around much or need anything from him.
So to hear him suggesting to another woman, while he is married, for her to take a whole day off work to spend with him was an astonishment. It was a personal slam to me in so many ways. I wondered to myself what was I that I didn’t receive the same courtesies or attention? Why was it so hard to attain from this person? Why was it that I never felt special or that I mattered? What was it that she had that I didn’t? Why do I feel like such a failure and insignificant?
The answer came, but years later when I learned about sex addiction. Sex addiction is a sociopath trait. It’s almost inherent in sociopaths. Sex addicts aren’t necessarily sociopaths, but most sociopaths have a sex addiction. I believe it comes from the fact that sociopaths have no relation to a conscience, they are empty, an empty shell of a person. Sex addiction helps to fill a high that they are seeking and also allows them to act without a conscience.
Here Comes the Lie
After searching through the phone, I called the spath. He didn’t seem alarmed, which was usual of my questioning. He did tell me however that he purposefully left his phone in the room because he knew I would look at it. How sick. How sick of a game he was playing.
Let me try to remember the lie on this occasion. Oh yea, he told me that she was just a doctor friend of his that slipped him testosterone shots under the table so to speak for his cycling. That he needed more testosterone to be able to compete in the cycling club that he was in.
He had asked her to hang out just to see what she would say, but that was it, there was nothing going on. I believe he also tried to spin that he was pretending to talk to her for one of his friends because he was too shy to start talking to her himself. I’m like really? What are we in high school? That didn’t make any sense because of the phone number situation.
He was talking with her on some chat app and he tried to convince me that it was some kind of an alias account or something he had set up to help hook his friend up with this chick. How extraordinary. The length that he went through to conjure up a story like that was phenomenal.
I knew what I knew, I knew what I saw. What was I to do? The feelings of being trapped, not just in the relationship, but physically where I was, was almost enough to send me over the edge.
Always Two Bad Choices
My options were to stick it out in another country where I am not fluent in the language and be at his mercy, which was nothing grandiose, for a month with a baby, or create a huge fight and travel back home with a baby by myself and wait for a month until he returned home to deal with this. Neither option was good. That was the thing. Being with a sociopath there was never a good choice; there were always two bad choices. There was a choice, but both choices would result in extreme anguish and pain.
He would not follow me if I was upset. He would just let me go and show no care in the world that I was hurting. This was even more infuriating. To know that I could leave the country with his daughter by myself and go back home because of something I saw on his phone, and him continue on his vacation with no feel was incredible.
Then I would be stuck at home with no contact and no chance to try and resolve and or uncover what was really happening. I was under his control; stuck in a corner feeling like there was no way out. I think I really wanted him to tell me something that would convince me that he wasn’t doing what I knew he was doing. I really wanted to believe he wasn’t.
The reality of it all was just too painful to swallow. I thought that if I stayed, at least he would be there for me to continue to ask questions and he would be forced to answer. That was my deception.
Stable State
Somehow between his manipulation and my desire to not want to believe he was cheating again, lead me to a somewhat stable state. I put the experience in a far back memory in my head and continued on with the trip.
Traveling deeper and deeper into the heart of a third world country where I would be showering in a bucket of water, eating strange foods that made me sick, taking care of a little baby, and being left alone in a 8×8 concrete room for hours with no air conditioning or access to anything I knew was where I was going. Left to sit and think alone about what was really happening in my life. I felt completely helpless, sinking into a dark hole of despair and confusion and pain.
I don’t know how I made it through that trip. I don’t know how I made it through 10 years of being with a person that sucked the life and all the good things out and then sewed fear, resentment, anxiety, anguish, chaos, strife, confusion, abandonment, disgust, and despair into my being. I don’t know except by the grace of God I have another chance at life and the person who I really am, which is none of the things he brought into my life.
Peace in Chaos – Every time you tell more of your story I am shocked at what you have endured. Even after hearing from more than 5,000 people about the betrayals of sociopaths, the audacity of their behaviors still astonishes me.
Sex Addiction…I hesitate to state that I was involved with such a person a few years ago and once I “discovered” what he was up to when he wasn’t with me.. I was devastated, but I remained in the relationship for selfish…reasons… thinking I might as well “get” what I could out of him.. travel and fun. When we were together, you would have thought that I was THE ONE.. The “I love you” flowed freely… but we always played by his “rules”.. when we weren’t together he made it clear I didn’t own him.. and what you said about seeing the gal’s picture and you thinking she wasn’t his “type”… Mine was the same way.. I saw pics of “Dumpy” older women, young beautiful women (young enough to be his daughter), Ugly women, Over-weight women…etc etc. .I am in great health, nice looking, fun to be with, and am a “Giver”…. I ended up having my heart broken, when he kept leaving a Theater once “to go to the Bathroom” and finding out that he was getting texts from a “new” soon to be Conquest….. I’d had enough. Guess what, now I am hearing from him again.. he is retired and has moved out of the Country to save “Taxes”… and has even invited me to come see him.. OMG… little does he know that “I know” him probably better than any other woman who has ever been in “his Life and Bed”…… I shake my head and wonder how this all happened…. I will never let him know just how “Savvy”.. I really am. Good luck to you… you will have a much better Life and gain “PEACE” without him, just like me……
I am so sorry to hear this! I am glad you are out as well. I will have to second the part on the “i love you flowing freely”. He never referred to me as my name; it was always a nickname. I found out that it is a character trait of SA’s so they don’t mess up calling the wrong person the wrong name. : / Cheers to better tomorrows!
I was The Beautiful Blonde – and then three days ago I found a Christmas card in his bag to The Beautiful Blonde at another address. That stirred up a hornets nest of deceit, lies and manipulation. I looked at his phone – no messages, nothing incriminating as it had all been wiped clean until a message arrived at 10pm ‘Sleep tight x x x’ I rang it back to hear a v sexy Well hello there……
When confronted he turned into the stonewalling cold monster with the dead eyes. It was my fault because I didn’t kiss him enough, give him enough sex. I went away to calm down, devastated – last week he loved me so much it scared him, so he said, last week we were making plans for the future, last week I was his soul mate. He let me go without a second glance.
That night I came across this site – what a life saver!! I was suddenly able to see so many of the behaviours for what they were. He can be generous, passionate, loving, tell me I’m the most beautiful woman in the world, etc etc etc. Stare intensely into my eyes for minutes on end (always found this unnerving!). I knew he was a bit quirky – v odd in company with very little social restraint, often appearing over the top and inappropriate but he was fun to be with (as long as we were doing what he wanted….) but then feign pain or illness if he didn’t want to do something.
The next day I rang him to be told that the ‘other’ woman was with him and looking after him (he’d just come out of hospital and they’d had sex for the first time just days ago). Still trapped in the spell he’d cast over me I sent a long email asking if we could work on this, get back together again, this other woman is nothing and was just a panic reaction to his operation (prostate removal!). The reply finally convinced me that he is an out and out sociopath. Again most of it was telling me my inadequacies and didn’t I think it was kind of the other woman to be looking after him after I’d walked out on him. But the final paragraph clinched it for me. In a nutshell the other woman was asking him about his feelings for me but he wasn’t sure what to tell her: if he loses his impotency after the op he thinks I would be the better option because we could’ rub along’ but if he’s OK then it will be the new woman. The asked me to feel sorry for him because he’s so confused!!!!! I sent a prompt reply – Thank you, you have released me.
But today is day one of the pain of getting back to normal and already I’m re-reading the email to see if I’ve interpreted it wrongly……. I’ve not, but I’m devastated and on the floor. The last 7 years of my life have been a total lie and what have I got to show for it – absolutely nothing! So far maintaining NC. Why of why do we feel the pull to humiliate ourselves over and over and over again.
Wish me strength
So sorry that you’re going through this now – it’s the worst time. You will feel better sooner if you can avoid all contact with him, even though it is gutwrenchingly painful at first.
Prayers for your strength and quick healing from the harm your ex spath caused you.
andi,
This is so sad. I so get it. When they finally decide to let the ‘hammer fall’ it is
1. Without pity
2. Never ‘final’
3. In their favor
They always (I think it’s safe to over generalize on this one) try to keep your empathy/heart strings attached to them so they can come back when they are done with the ‘party’. Generally they do that with the pity play. Like he did.
I am so sorry you are hurting like you are. The initial ‘awakening’ to the truth is pretty hard to absorb and move through. I was just completely despondent. I felt worthless and drained of value. I came to this website A LOT.
The psycho I knew used to ask ‘Do you think this is some kind of game?!’, and then he would laugh. What I understood after it was really over was that, yes, for him it was a game. And he was always the ‘winner’.
Of course, for sure, he is NOT a winner. He is a human predator who takes anything he can get his hands on, through any means that he can think of. He is a heartless user.
The psycho you have been involved with is now using words, pity, and devaluing to make you question yourself. He will continue to do these things if he is allowed. I realized at a certain point that I was enabling his bad behavior with any contact I had. The only truly real solution (and because I COULD) was to cut all ties, and let go. Otherwise I was always embroiled in his lies, always trying to make sense of his nonsense. Always bending and twisting myself to meet his needs.
He has released you, in a way. Take him up on his offer in a way he never imagined you would. Release HIM
Thank you so much Annette and slime. This support is so important at the moment. I have lots of lovely friends who are really supportive but they don’t get the pain, misunderstanding, questioning. To them it’s so simple – he’s a b*****, get out!! And they are so right but it’s so hard to do. He’d convinced me just a week ago that we were together for life. That life has now been taken from me together with the memories because I now see they were just lies. Heartbreaking stuff.
The sad thing is when he first broke with me – 4 years ago now (there’s another story…)I met the kindest, sweetest guy after a few months but A was there drawing me back in with the occasional email and kind word. I dumped the kind guy for the ‘true love’ and passion that I thought as A. What a fool
Sorry Slimone! My computer spell checked…
andi,
No worries, I have been called worse!I get what you mean about friends being supportive and kind but not understanding the unique process of extracting yourself from a deeply manipulative person, who has twisted your head and heart around. I was super fortunate that two of my friends understood malignant narcissism, and were tirelessly supportive and listened to me for hours on end. They also ‘checked up’ on me, which helped me feel a bit more grounded in my own life.
This website was also very grounding.
slim one, aka slime
Peace in Chaos,
I just finished reading your story.
When you are writing about going through his phone, finding the conversation with this woman and his blase attitude left me with a very familiar feeling.
A sickness in the pit of the stomach like you did 100 crunches, ate something bad and then got punched in the stomach 20 times.
Yuck.
Even though I am glad to finally know these people exist, it’s just sickening.
Thank you for sharing your story and I wish you peace and love.
Stronginthecity
Hope you are doing well and that pit in your stomach is gone.
Peace in Chaos, Your writing style is very engaging. As I was reading about your two choices, a third choice came to my mind and one that I will only admit on here – I probably would have been thinking about murder. Not that I would have followed through, as the thought of prison is not pleasant. But I probably would have considered it once or twice. I’m glad you finally know what he is.
Thank you for your encouragement, I am glad to be able to vocalize what went on to help others. You do get so angry that you DO think of it.
You call it Sex Addiction, my ex calls it “supplementing”. In addition to a very active sex life at home, I discovered she had been sexting and spending time with at least 2 other guys.
When I confronted her about her activities, she said she no longer wanted to be in a “monogamous” relationship. I pointed out to her that she was obviously not in one!
Yuck.
Just read the post above about never being called your name
I was The Beautiful Blonde ”“ and then three days ago I found a Christmas card in his bag to The Beautiful Blonde at another address. That stirred up a hornets nest of deceit, lies and manipulation. I looked at his phone ”“ no messages, nothing incriminating as it had all been wiped clean until a message arrived at 10pm ’Sleep tight x x x’ I rang it back to hear a v sexy Well hello there—
When confronted he turned into the stonewalling cold monster with the dead eyes. It was my fault because I didn’t kiss him enough, give him enough sex. I went away to calm down, devastated ”“ last week he loved me so much it scared him, so he said, last week we were making plans for the future, last week I was his soul mate. He let me go without a second glance.
That night I came across this site ”“ what a life saver!! I was suddenly able to see so many of the behaviours for what they were. He can be generous, passionate, loving, tell me I’m the most beautiful woman in the world, etc etc etc. Stare intensely into my eyes for minutes on end (always found this unnerving!). I knew he was a bit quirky ”“ v odd in company with very little social restraint, often appearing over the top and inappropriate but he was fun to be with (as long as we were doing what he wanted”.) but then feign pain or illness if he didn’t want to do something.
The next day I rang him to be told that the ’other’ woman was with him and looking after him (he’d just come out of hospital and they’d had sex for the first time just days ago). Still trapped in the spell he’d cast over me I sent a long email asking if we could work on this, get back together again, this other woman is nothing and was just a panic reaction to his operation (prostate removal!). The reply finally convinced me that he is an out and out sociopath. Again most of it was telling me my inadequacies and didn’t I think it was kind of the other woman to be looking after him after I’d walked out on him. But the final paragraph clinched it for me. In a nutshell the other woman was asking him about his feelings for me but he wasn’t sure what to tell her: if he loses his impotency after the op he thinks I would be the better option because we could’ rub along’ but if he’s OK then it will be the new woman. The asked me to feel sorry for him because he’s so confused!!!!! I sent a prompt reply ”“ Thank you, you have released me.
But today is day one of the pain of getting back to normal and already I’m re-reading the email to see if I’ve interpreted it wrongly—. I’ve not, but I’m devastated and on the floor. The last 7 years of my life have been a total lie and what have I got to show for it ”“ absolutely nothing! So far maintaining NC. Why of why do we feel the pull to humiliate ourselves over and over and over again.
Wish me strength
Hi Andi, There is a very good book entitled, ‘The Betrayal Bond’, which will help to explain ‘why’ you are pulled in, and hopefully it will give you some clarity as to how you can extricate yourself emotionally.
I cam across a Carl Sagan quote today.It was something like, the more one wants a thing, the more careful one needs to be. This rings so very true for me. I will rush in, or try to blinker myself, when I want something. And I get myself in trouble. In this way I found 2 people with personality disorders – one a psychopath. Others saw the bullshit long before I did.
I have to tell you, I am 6 years out of a short relationship with a spath, and I know that I do in fact have something to show for it. I know that not everyone has good in them, nor are all capable of good. In business situations I see spaths coming long before others do, and pull out my spath playbook. I have actually been paid for using my spath knowledge in my work.
My heart is still broken, but that lying sack of shit cracked me open in ways that may yet prove to be useful to me. I see how deep my unmet desires run, I see how compulsive I can be, I see that to hook me, there had to be unhealed parts of me to snag. I haven’t touched all the exposed wounds yet, and yes there are much nicer ways to learn about ourselves, but I think recovery is possible.
It takes a long time for some of us to accept as reality what has happened. It’s hard to hold on to at times, and we doubt ourselves. I found it useful to find one thing and use it as a touchstone (one stupid, shitty thing the spath did, which I could not doubt could only be done by someone who was a stupid shitty person) – whenever I doubted myself, I would remind myself of the touchstone.
I wish you great healing. Hold on.
OneJoy
Thank you so much Onejoy. I’m trying so hard to hold on but slip sliding around at the moment. Made the fatal mistake of ‘going to his to talk it out’ yesterday. How can I be so stupid? He was there with his new ‘love’ and obviously wouldn’t answer the door. I received a sneering email this morning telling me he didn’t need to to call round to enquire about his health ( just recovering from prostate removal). How could I humiliate myself so much?
So, my touchstone will be his callous ability to dump ‘the woman I love so much it scares me’ ( me!!) for a woman who gives him the eye at a religious meeting the minute he is found out. Narcissistic monster. He is not capable of love and I am having to come to terms with everything I believed being destroyed overnight. I am beginning to realise that my battle is not with him – he is not worthy of love – but with the memories and plans for the future which I thought were my life until a week ago.
Within the relationship I never felt he was a monster – he was intensely ‘loving’. However, I believe now that this was to access sex, something he craves incessantly, and to create an illusion of normality with a n attractive, intelligent strong woman on his arm. How he has destroyed her!!
If only I’d recognised the warning signs. He used to regularly say ‘ I want to take you out and make every other man jealous’. I used to laugh at him (I’m reasonably attractive but hey!!?) but he seemed deadly serious.
Who knows how many other women he was seeing? My ‘crime’ in his eyes is that I found him out and I therefore have to be ‘vapourised’ out of existence because he can’t cope with blame or guilt. I have also told his family the full extent of his latest betrayal and they are disgusted. That is anathema to him as it destroys his carefully manufactured image of himself. The last time he did this – three years ago, same time of year – he went to them with his glum little boy lost face, telling them that we couldn’t make it work and he was so sad. All the time he was back with one of his previous exes!! Oh, the pity parties he creates for himself.
Christmas has been hell, but I’m hoping for a healthier future……
Hi Andi, you said something very important: “I am beginning to realise that my battle is not with him ”“ he is not worthy of love ”“ but with the memories and plans for the future which I thought were my life until a week ago.”
There is a cognitive dissonance between ‘what is’ and what one thought was/hoped for. It takes a while to reduce and eliminate that dissonance. I had to work very hard to get the ‘reality’ stick. Very hard. It was an exceptionally important part of my early recovery.
Asking you over is part of plan, to create a story for the one he is with at the moment. Think about the most nefarious thing you have seen ‘bad’ guys’ do on TV, and insert it into his playbook. Now he can tell the current dupe that he is being stalked. so begins the story that he will weave about you, so that he can devalue and discard you publicly.
I’d be very careful about engaging further with his family. You never know where their loyalties truly are.The family of the big spath in my life knew exactly what the spath was doing, and yet woman after woman was conned, in real life and on the internet.
So, I hope that you can continue no contact. They feed on our lives and life energy – literally. It took me a while to get to no contact as I had some sleuthing to do to uncover the real identity of the spath. I am grateful that I did, because it was very important to my sense of safety. It cost me though. One of the things it me was friends, who couldn’t for the life of them understand what the hell I was doing. Once I got to ‘no contact’ I was all in.
It takes a while, and I went through layers and layers of ‘shock and awe’. I doubt I have finished pealing them away.
The serious work, besides dealing with the con and the PTSD, is to go to those things that i wanted so badly that I walked without consideration for what was. It’s great that you recognize where the work lays. Give yourself time to do, and have patience with yourself and the process. Ultimately, you need no contact now, as it will give you the space to do this work. Take it one moment at a time.
Best,
OneJoy
Thank you so much – this is so important. Hellish days at the moment but I feel I am putting my energies in the right direction. It’s not about him – he is over – it is about me. Thank you for your words of wisdom and support. So important x
Keep your head up, and keep moving Andi!
Such a terrible day today. I’m here at 3 in the morning contemplating ending it all. The future scares me so much and I’m emotionally exhausted but these pages are keeping me going….just. I have to remember that it is early days yet. Just 12 days ago I was planning my future with him, oblivious of the double life he was leading. The day after he was ‘found out’ he’d obliterated me and moved a woman he’d just met into his house to nurse him following his prostate removal. Devastating.
Andi,
Betrayal is the worst; and you were betrayed in the worst way. It is a shock, and it results in PTSD. 3am is the worst time – when depression and anxiety is high. You will feel better.
What is it about the future that is scary to you, if I can ask?
I’ve just retired having worked my whole life, partly to spend more time with my now ex and partly to look after my elderly Dad. I feel I have nothing to look forward to, no future. I’m 60 and don’t have the energy to start again. Scared I’ll turn into the old cat lady……. I must remember it is early days yet and I’m still reeling from the shock. I have good friends but they have all been enjoying happy Christmases with their families around them. Damn, just feeling sorry for myself but my anxiety levels are through the roof. I just want to be my normal, happy loving self but she’s disappeared
Thanks for sharing. I think I understand. I’m in my late 50’s. It sounds like the way you feel is a normal and natural response to betrayal and to upheaval of your life and your plans. I think if you don’t want to turn into the old cat lady, you probably won’t. It sounds like you are the kind of person who will create a good life for yourself even under difficult circumstances. You have good reason to feel sorry for yourself considering the harm your ex spath has done to you.
I suffered from a lot of anxiety, along with everything else. It is a symptom of PTSD which is a very real condition that is a normal response to traumatic and harmful experiences. Being betrayed and abused by someone in a relationship that is supposed to be love and trust based, causes the most severe PTSD. I am still dealing with anxiety several years out of the fake ‘marriage’ to my ex spath. Some of the things that helped me with sleep and anxiety over the long term: Listening to relaxation and meditation tapes; do it yourself therapy with free EMDR Youtube videos; drinking chamomile or valerian tea at bedtime, also an herbal capsule called “Deep Sleep;” exercise when I can (I have chronic Lyme and some other health problems). Playing a few rounds of computer solitaire or doing a crossword puzzle at bedtime occupies my brain enough to settle it down. I was able to spend time away at the ocean at a friend’s place, which helped a lot, along with time spent with friends who were great listeners and supportive of me. You will probably find things that work for you. Counseling and Rx meds can help with recovery, although I did not do either of those formally – just herbals and reading a lot (over 50) of self help books.
One of the best things that helped me was this relaxation/meditation tape designed especially for women recovering from pathological relationships. I listened to it every night at bedtime for over a year. http://saferelationshipsmagazine.com/guided-relaxation-for-repairing-the-aftermath-of-pathological-love-relationships There is a sample you can listen to on the website.
You will get back to your whole, happy, and loving self. Betrayal and abuse are very traumatic. It took me a while to realize how severely I had been emotionally harmed. It helped me to pamper myself, not to expect too much, and to give myself time to recover. I was abused over a period of about 4 years, but was kept spinning by the spath that I didn’t recognize all what was happening until I got out. I am still having ‘aha’ moments about him and the ‘marriage.’
Merry Christmas to all the old-timers who still check in here. I hope you are all doing well! Anyone feel ‘healed yet? 🙂
Best,
OneJoy
Hey OneJoy,
Slimone here. Still checking in, and supporting others. Good to see you here, and know that you are continuing to make progress! Me too. I am doing very well, and have largely put my past in my past. Not forgetting, integrating. But the pain is done. The journey, I think, will never end with my new insights, but the pain of the past is no longer there.
Slim
Hey Slim! That’s great to hear. I am wishing you all the best for 2016.
OneJoy
Seven years out I do consider myself an old timer!!!!!
Wounds heal but they leave scars!!! My life has changed in so many ways and I’m still learning.
Wishing all my LF family the best 2016 !!! Lots of healing and lots of love!!! Those @.......#$%@....... will get their dues at some point but I’m not holding my breath. Create the best life for yourself that you possibly can. Wishing all of you the very best!!!!
Hi Imara, Have you been on Lf all that time? did you have another screen name? (Just trying to figure out if I know you from years ago.) Have a great New Year!
Best,
OneJoy
My heart was pounding reading this. Stuck in a foreign country with a sociopath-a dangerous proposition indeed. The infidelity, sex addiction and the like behaviors remains for me the part of my life with my sociopath I have few answers. Up until two years ago I thought my husband was faithful. He was a wife beating drunk yes, but I believed he was not a cheater. Now why I believed this, who knows-denial I guess. To this day I still don’t have “proof” he cheated and in a way I feel that he thinks he outsmarted me by never really knowing. Two years ago I was at home and he had left his iPad on the desk. I kept “beeping” so I picked it up (not being a jealous person and not having reason to look through his things before it never occurred to me until that moment and after that everything changed). On it were messages between him and a male coworker, my husband who was at work and the coworker who was off that day. The messages were a back and forth about a female coworker (who was at work with my husband). My husband was texting the man (a man who was single and I felt my husband was always trying to suck up to) asking him if he wanted to go out with the female. What? Like this guy can’t get his own date in a sea of women??? Then the man texted my husband “why don’t you ask her about her new bed”. Well I saw shocked. I confronted him about it and he of course said he had good intentions but the coworker/friend turned the conversation “South”. I felt so uneasy about it all. Was this an indication of him cheating? What was this? Was I blowing this out of proportion (I know how he would have reacted if this had been me so not I didn’t). So I began “investigating” I looked through everything, I looked high and I looked low. What I found through months of looking and probing was three viagra pills (strange since I never knew him to have a sexual performance problem). I also found another message between him and the male co worker/friend in which my husband was telling him to use the voice command on his phone while driving and the male coworker/friend told my husband, my husband shouldn’t use the voice command as his “computer was being monitored.” Not having definitive proof of cheating threw me into panic, anxiety, depression and fear. I do know my husband would not have me at his work, he would come up with excuses and when I insisted he looked visibly nervous and when I asked why he would say he wasn’t nervous. On one occasion I went to his work to “bring him lunch” and another male coworker “joked” “Let me tell you about your husband” and walked off. I probed my husband about that comment of course deflection, lies, and then angry rages would silence me. When I would search his phone I only found messages, stupid and inappropriate, between him and other male coworkers. I often wondered, knowing my husband was a woman hater, whether he secretly, or not so secretly, was gay. When I would look at his tracker on his phone he always appeared to be where he should be, work, the gym, if he was out of town, he was at the condo his employer paid for (yes I have wondered whether he “entertained” there) but i was also friendly with the door man there? When he became aware I was “investigating” him he would say, “there’s nothing there” but most of the time he was just silent. His silence would drive me crazy, I thought he would either own up to it or put the question to rest by giving me concrete answers to my questions-neither happened. When I asked about the viagra pills I just got an angry response, “men have their secrets”. Taking prescription meds should not be a secret should it, I asked myself.
I always wondered how he pulled it off and never got caught in spite of all my efforts to catch him. I question my own judgment and wonder if he really did cheat. I finally realized I was driving myself mad with wondering if he cheated or not. I do think he helped drive it by intentionally leaving his iPad that day and never putting the matter to rest. Well in the end it didn’t matter the trust was gone and in fact there was no relationship whatsoever it was all a figment of my imagination. Like much of my marriage to him was defined by mystery and this infidelity question is just more of that.
Seems these jerks can never get enough. After i discovered mine was engaged all i could think was ” wow he had her, me, and god knows whom else he had met online”. One thing my therapist used to say is that ” i bet it was more than just the 2 of you” now after coming here to lovefraud reading articles like this i see she is right!!! With me and the fiancé he had an online dating profile saying he was single and looking for a serious relationship. Also being that he is an otr trucker, he probably has women in every state in the US!
I got into my ex’s phone. Funny it fell on the floor and opened up. I found that my ex was cheating on me with the HOMEWRECKER. Cheating on the home wrecker with a girl he started seeing in July. Texting another to come to the ranch to oil his saddles. Still another serial texting that she was pregnant and that it was his. Still more texts to girls on Craig’s list and a couple of other dating sites plus regular daily visits to a porn site called red something. REALLY ? Does anyone need this much sex ? It’s almost comical now. Writing this down makes me realize that I must have been brain dead to continue on like I did for 2 more months. Still trying to save US. There must be something brain dead about me.
And here I sit. My house a wreck. Washing machine broken. Clothes pilling up to be washed. I’m hole up in my room. I find it impossible to get out of my bed except for the occasional trip to the kitchen or bathroom. What is wrong with me ? I am better than this. Not doing so good.
I remember that feeling. I literally hardly got out of bed for over a year unless I had to. It helped me to focus on one task at a time – even if I only got one thing done in a day. Like plan to do a load of wash and then do it, without worrying about anything else. I would get overwhelmed if I tried to get everything done.