Women Turnover
I could never make sense of the turn over of women. I would think to myself, there is no way that he is actually sleeping with these women, maybe flirting. With the speed of turn over that he would have with these women, in addition to the fact that there were more than several going on at once, I could not fathom. Unfortunately it is possible, and it happens all the time. It’s called sex addiction.
As all of this was going on; my mind felt like it was on fire. I would try to think and rationalize and make sense of what was happening, but I could not. For me I hadn’t really heard of sex addiction, nor had made any connections to the spath about it at that point. It sure would have helped me put the puzzle pieces together about what was going on a lot sooner if I had.
Zora the Testosterone Provider
A year after my daughter was born we visited his parents in his home country. After a very, very long trip to get to Central America with a baby, we finally made it into the hotel room in the city. Of course he left me and the baby there so he could go out. For moments I was at rest in the quiet, but then also felt strange being so far from home and alone in an unfamiliar place.
There was the itch. The detective-like urge that controls your life when you know your spouse is being unfaithful. You want to know what is really going on. You want to come out from under their cloud; out of the shadows you live under. I realized that he had left his phone in the room to charge.
There was a burning inside me to check it to see if I could uncover something that would incriminate him enough for me to leave him. I wanted all this wondering to be over.
So I picked up the phone and started to go through it. By this time I knew where to check, all the hiding places on the phone, all the deleted stuff. I didn’t have to go that far. Scrolling through the text messages I found a conversation with a girl named Zora.
The spath was bragging to her about his office, which I decorated and leased, and was asking her for testosterone shots. I believe she was in the medical field of some sort. She had sent a picture of her, surprisingly clothed, and she looked nothing like what I thought his “type” was. I thought to myself, it couldn’t be. I didn’t know he was into women like that. Apparently he wasn’t really into women like that, he was just into women period.
Stab in the Heart…Again
Then the dagger. After several attempts on his end to get her to meet with him and her conflicting schedule, he finally mentioned for her to take her Wednesday off work and that they could spend the whole day together. My heart raced, I felt my stomach come up in my mouth and my body began to shake. Not only was he being unfaithful, it was the way he went about it in connection to our relationship.
Since the beginning of our relationship, he never wanted to spend time with me. It didn’t matter what it was, there was always a limit. A couple hours here, a couple hours there. I began to form an anxiety when we would hang out for any extended period of time because I was afraid we were spending too much time together and he was going to get annoyed, angry and take it out on me how I take up too much of his time.
A Twisted Relationship
I learned how to make myself scarce. I learned to pretend that I didn’t need him around or want him around to shield what I really desired which was to have a partner to do things with. I had been neglected and turned down and made to feel like an annoyance for so many years that I had to twist what was normal in a relationship to accommodate him and what he wanted, which was for me to not be around much or need anything from him.
So to hear him suggesting to another woman, while he is married, for her to take a whole day off work to spend with him was an astonishment. It was a personal slam to me in so many ways. I wondered to myself what was I that I didn’t receive the same courtesies or attention? Why was it so hard to attain from this person? Why was it that I never felt special or that I mattered? What was it that she had that I didn’t? Why do I feel like such a failure and insignificant?
The answer came, but years later when I learned about sex addiction. Sex addiction is a sociopath trait. It’s almost inherent in sociopaths. Sex addicts aren’t necessarily sociopaths, but most sociopaths have a sex addiction. I believe it comes from the fact that sociopaths have no relation to a conscience, they are empty, an empty shell of a person. Sex addiction helps to fill a high that they are seeking and also allows them to act without a conscience.
Here Comes the Lie
After searching through the phone, I called the spath. He didn’t seem alarmed, which was usual of my questioning. He did tell me however that he purposefully left his phone in the room because he knew I would look at it. How sick. How sick of a game he was playing.
Let me try to remember the lie on this occasion. Oh yea, he told me that she was just a doctor friend of his that slipped him testosterone shots under the table so to speak for his cycling. That he needed more testosterone to be able to compete in the cycling club that he was in.
He had asked her to hang out just to see what she would say, but that was it, there was nothing going on. I believe he also tried to spin that he was pretending to talk to her for one of his friends because he was too shy to start talking to her himself. I’m like really? What are we in high school? That didn’t make any sense because of the phone number situation.
He was talking with her on some chat app and he tried to convince me that it was some kind of an alias account or something he had set up to help hook his friend up with this chick. How extraordinary. The length that he went through to conjure up a story like that was phenomenal.
I knew what I knew, I knew what I saw. What was I to do? The feelings of being trapped, not just in the relationship, but physically where I was, was almost enough to send me over the edge.
Always Two Bad Choices
My options were to stick it out in another country where I am not fluent in the language and be at his mercy, which was nothing grandiose, for a month with a baby, or create a huge fight and travel back home with a baby by myself and wait for a month until he returned home to deal with this. Neither option was good. That was the thing. Being with a sociopath there was never a good choice; there were always two bad choices. There was a choice, but both choices would result in extreme anguish and pain.
He would not follow me if I was upset. He would just let me go and show no care in the world that I was hurting. This was even more infuriating. To know that I could leave the country with his daughter by myself and go back home because of something I saw on his phone, and him continue on his vacation with no feel was incredible.
Then I would be stuck at home with no contact and no chance to try and resolve and or uncover what was really happening. I was under his control; stuck in a corner feeling like there was no way out. I think I really wanted him to tell me something that would convince me that he wasn’t doing what I knew he was doing. I really wanted to believe he wasn’t.
The reality of it all was just too painful to swallow. I thought that if I stayed, at least he would be there for me to continue to ask questions and he would be forced to answer. That was my deception.
Stable State
Somehow between his manipulation and my desire to not want to believe he was cheating again, lead me to a somewhat stable state. I put the experience in a far back memory in my head and continued on with the trip.
Traveling deeper and deeper into the heart of a third world country where I would be showering in a bucket of water, eating strange foods that made me sick, taking care of a little baby, and being left alone in a 8×8 concrete room for hours with no air conditioning or access to anything I knew was where I was going. Left to sit and think alone about what was really happening in my life. I felt completely helpless, sinking into a dark hole of despair and confusion and pain.
I don’t know how I made it through that trip. I don’t know how I made it through 10 years of being with a person that sucked the life and all the good things out and then sewed fear, resentment, anxiety, anguish, chaos, strife, confusion, abandonment, disgust, and despair into my being. I don’t know except by the grace of God I have another chance at life and the person who I really am, which is none of the things he brought into my life.
Never, ever apologise for offloading and venting. It is one of the most therapeutic things you can do. Also don’t equate and compare your years with a spath as lessening the impact – any and all encounters with a spate at an intimate and personal level are extremely toxic and harmful.
Unfortunately I am not out of the danger zone yet. I still have much disentanglement to navigate thanks to the web of dependancy he has created. I have made it my goal for 2016 to untether myself from him by the years end so that I can be in a position where no contact reigns. This is going to be an ugly year and one which will see him decompensate further into his own insanity. First the sex, now the money. The two most important controlling elements in his life. He is promising to support me and the family for the rest of his life but I don’t want that because this is his way of maintaining his manipulative control over me even though physically separated. In just 6 months I have heard him tell me at least 50 times that “your lives depend on me. Don’t abuse it” and the like. He knows damn well that at present we have no way of surviving without his support and he is utilising this to the max. He desperately wants to avoid divorce, courts, lawyers, etc. because not only will it financially ruin him, this process will also expose him for being a cheat, con-artist and criminal. I’m happy to go there. I need him out of my life.
After having fallen down into the blackest, darkest pit of despair and believing that my life was ruined for eternity, I have now realigned myself, gained strength, confidence, conviction and have proven that I am resilient. I’m ready for the next phase of this journey.
I wish you all an abundance of strength. You can do it. It’s taking each day as it comes, riding the emotional overwhelms like waves, getting plenty of rest and self-care, and taking tiny steps.
There is an end and there will come a day when we can all say were finally free.
Juki xx
Hi Juki, you should be so proud of yourself for posting your story here on Lovefraud. Not an easy feat after being in a abusive marriage for 30 years where you were mentally controlled. I know that your husband walking out on you & your children and flying overseas is probably still a daily shock.
But I want to let you know that him walking out was the BEST thing that ever happened to you in your marriage. If you would have left him he would have been love bombing you & grooming you back into a relationship with him with intimidation, fear & love bombing. With him leaving you have the time now to slowly clear your mind from his brain washing/mind control so that you can fully escape the marriage legally. This time is a blessing!
Now is the time to start interviewing lawyers & asking trusted friends for a recommendation for a divorce lawyer but be careful who you ask so that it does not get back to your soon to be ex. There are many books on Financial Divorcing at your big box book store.
Remember the most important thing about divorce is it is a BUSINESS it is your future. Your ex saying that he is going to take care of you “for the rest of your life” is Sociopath BS!!! He does not care about you or your children he only cares about sex. Right now he is spending money and you will have to pay half of his credit card bill in the divorce. This is why it is important to talk to lawyers to find out how to protect yourself.
You can NOT work with a sociopath during a divorce with out a cut throat lawyer who is educated on sociopath abuse. Not all lawyers know about sociopaths and all sociopaths will attempt to manipulate your lawyer, the judge, clerks in the court EVERYONE to get what they want. Guess what your husband wants = you to get nothing! Be smart and educate yourself about divorce & what you are entitled to. This is why reading books on Financial divorce is important your lawyer will most likely not know what you are fully entitled to…remember a lawyer is in the business of taking your money thats it they do not care about your financial future only theirs. Also keep in mind that there are lots of narcissist/sociopaths lawyers in this world so be ware who you hire.
A good site to look at for court divorce/child custody is Onemomsbattle. com on the site they list lawyers at the top that get sociopath abuse. If you dont see your city then just go to Facebook One moms battle and ask if someone knows of a lawyer in your state/city. Tina Swiften creator of Onemoms battle has two books on divorcing a narcissist which you might want to read.
Open a fake email account then a fake Facebook page so that you can chat freely on One Moms battle without your ex, his friends/family seeing what you are chatting about. If you can buy a new lap top & open a new email with just your lawyers getting that email from that computer it is best.
YES a sociopath will go to great lengths to see what you and your lawyer are chatting about even hacking into your email so that they have one up on you. Also on One moms battle they have help for child custody issues.
One thing you may want to get right away from the court through a court order motion is a mental evaluation on your ex. One moms battle can give you help with this just ask on their Facebook page. Why is this important? Because if you can prove you husband is a narcissist or sociopaths and that your child will be endanger or you the court will take your recommendation more strongly.
For the stress that you are under look into adrenal fatigue…see sites like DrLam. com and Adrenalfatigue. org….look at the symptoms list on both. IT is extremely common for victims of sociopathic abuse to have adrenal fatigue. The fact that you felt like you were going “insane” (which by the way you were not) is an indication that your adrenal glands were not working correctly. IF you have the symptoms of adrenal fatigue find a good Endocrinologist doctor (they specialize in adrenal glands) and get tested. Also look into a diet like Dr Fuhrman Eat to Live book to flood your body with much needed vitamins/minerals that most likely are depleted from the stress you have been under. (consult a doctor first). Google “Dr Fuhrman PBS you tube” to learn more. And also google “Dr Amen PBS you tube” and his countless books on improving brain function. Stress from a sociopaths especially for 30 years has most likly taken a toll on you physically so look after your body and it will help you to be clear headed during your divorce.
Contact your local abuse center & go!! They can help you with safety for you & your children. Google “Exit plan domestic abuse”, “Exit plan dr phil”, “Exit plan domestic abuse you tube” to start working on your exit plan out of this marriage. Work with your local abuse center also this is what they are there for. The one thing that I did not due during my marriage was to ask for help because my ex h had my mind so twisted up…once I left I went to counseling & my local abuse center for counseling & women group meetings. This all helped me tremendously along with sites like Lovefruad. Keep reaching out for help. For me going to my local abuse center was one of the hardest things that I did because I was embarrassed that I ended up in a bad marriage. But after the first women group meeting I realized that it was literally the best thing that I did for myself.
Also look into a home alarm system. If you have the money then have an alarm company put one in that has phone service that will call your home immediately if your alarm goes off. If you dont have the money for that type of service no worries look into your big box warehouse home improvement center such as Home Depot or Lowes (US stores) and they have alarm systems that take batteries and are very easy to install.
Reach out to your most trusted friends/family and ask them to help you with securing your home & to research a lawyer & what you are entitled to you your divorce. You dont have to do it alone!
Hugs to you! 🙂
Sociopaths always boomerang back to their last vicim. HE is keeping the door open to come back to you….so right now educate yourself full on all the mental & emotional games he will play on you to break your spirit down when he returned. Best to go “Low Contact” (google) with him. Books to read:
Donna Andersons books see her book list up at the top under “book store”
Woman who love psychopaths by Sanda brown (my counselor gave me this book)
PS. In court papers put everything this man has done to you that was abusive & put in the details of him running off overseas to have sex.
THIS WILL PROTECT YOU and your children down the road and it will protect his next vicim too! And it will protect you in court!
In most states the person filing for divorce writes the first motion then the person you are divorcing (your husband) counters your motions then you counter what he wrote. SO in your first motion (if this is how your state does it) limited what you write then in the counter motion put everything down in writing. Everything that you have written that he said here in LF put in the counter motion.
DO NOT PROTECT THIS EVIL MAN ANY LONGER…PROTECT YOU & YOUR CHILDREN ONLY NOW!!!
Thank you Jan7 so much for your lengthy and thoughtful reply.
Just to clarify a few things. It was myself and the children who fled from the family home and left him. He did not leave. He would have been happy to have me and his family continue as his mask of normalcy forever whilst he was living in his self-entitled way.
The situation right now is that he resides in the family home, whilst myself, 2 kids and aged Mum are in a rental property.
Child custody is no longer an issue as our daughter is 21 and son is over 16.
From a mental health perspective I can prove conclusively from almost every corner of his life that he is not stable. I have police records, mental health records, community health records, not to mention the affidavits of many people who have come to see the “other”side of him and are victims themselves.
Financially things are not good. He has a mountain of debt and I need to seek legal counsel with regard to this. I also have significant evidence to prove that he has cheated me out of a significant amount of money and that he is in breach of legal requirements.
We are physically separated but as things have it I still have significant exposure to him because I am employed by him. My employment in his business and the money I receive from that is what is keeping our heads above water. It may sound easy to resign from this position, but there is no other job that would give me the same remuneration and conditions.
My 16 year old son has been diagnosed with a severe depressive disorder and social anxiety disorder. He is not in a good way at all and has been in treatment for approximately 3 years, including an inpatient stay in hospital. He is scheduled to receive residential care soon – hopefully within the next 4-6 weeks. This is a program that lasts for 6 months. His mental health has been a very difficult thing to handle on top of leaving and disentangling myself from my SH. He is fully estranged from his father who believes that I have brainwashed him. My son is my number 1 priority and as his primary carer I am bound by all the restrictions and impositions this brings with it which is why employment in a regular job is not tenable at the moment.
I am intending to go down the route of financials and divorce this year. This will not only test me will undoubtedly see an escalation in his paranoia and delusional behaviour because he will see this as a threat.
Thank you so much for all your advice. I will check out the many resources you referred to. I’m not from the USA so would have to source legal information from my country (Australia).
It’s comforting to know and hear that people like yourself are so invested in helping fellow victims. It provides us with greater strength and clarity.
With appreciation
Juki x
Hi jukidragonfly, your welcome. I aways say that the one thing all of our ex sociopaths did not count on is all their victims joining forces to lift each other up & sharing things that might help someone. Thank you for posting back with more detail. Very tough situation you are in. It is all to common for a victim to be entangled/meshed into the sociopaths life as much as you are right now. I too was in the same mess it’s not easy getting out I finally just walked away and said enough because my ex wanted to still control me even after escaping his grips. I am sorry that you can’t leave your job at the moment but it sounds like you have a good handle on your life right now which is a better place then living with him.
I am also sorry to hear about your sons depression. Look into adrenal fatigue for your son also. Symptoms of adrenal fatigue include depression, anxiety, mood swings, memory loss, sleep issues etc. The list is very long you can look at the sites above that I posted for the full list. If you look on Adrenal fatigue. org they list doctors who treat adrenal fatigue in Australia or you can find a Endocrinologist doctor (might be a different name in AU). IF you google Dr Wilson adrenal fatigue kids you tube…you can find a video on his decision about children having adrenal fatigue. Also Dr Amen has a video on depression. Dr amen is a leading brain specialist in the USA but works with patients all over the world. He has conducted over 80,0000 brain scans, endless brain studies and has countless books including one on depression/anxiety on the New York Times best sellers list. His site is Amenclinic. com and you can also find his book list on amazon or maybe at your library.
Google:
Dr Wilson adrenal fatigue kids you tube
Dr Amen depression you tube
Dr Amen PBS you tube
Dr Fuhrman PBS you tube
It is extremely common for victims of a sociopath to have anxiety & depression = adrenal fatigue. Adrenal fatigue is often over looked as the root cause of these issues. The good news is with in 6 months to 2 years a patient can heal their adrenal glands with a good clean diet, plenty of rest & relaxation and vitamin/minerals. To speed up the process a good clean diet such as Dr Fuhrman’s eat to live will flood the body with much needed vitamins & minerals. Obviously check with your doctor before switching diets & adding vitamins.
Have you had your son (& you) tested for vitamin and mineral deficiency? There are many studies that most people who have anxiety & depression (adrenal fatigue) are vitamin & mineral deficient especially in D vitamin. I would highly recommend that you both get tested for all vitamin/mineral deficiency and also cortisol levels. Both Dr Lam & Dr Wilson have books on Adrenal fatigue.
When I left my ex I could barely get out of bed I was that sick = adrenal fatigue. I was lucky enough to have a friend suggest that I go to a hormonal specialist who tested me for vitamin/mineral deficiency, cortisol test (this you can look at adrenal fatigue. org for info) and thyroid T3 & T4 plus hormonal imbalance. Everything was out of range. Within 4 hours of taking the Rx progesterone pills my anxiety was half and within a month my anxiety was almost gone…(fight or flight mode and kicked in during my marriage and could not such off). According to Dr Amen if you have depression you also have anxiety.
I am sorry that you have been through so much 🙁 and still have so much to deal with while at the same time taking care of your mother, your son. HUGE HUGS to you. Take care.
Jukidragonfly, I just googled “Adrenal fatigue children” and there is a lot of info on this subject for you & your son to read. Here part of one article that was posted:
“…Did you wake up tired this morning?
You’re not the only one.
Adrenal fatigue is one of the most prevalent disorders in the world today, affecting both children and adults. Our adrenal glands help us deal with stress in our everyday lives. No stress is too big or small for the adrenal glands. Failed relationships, food allergies, a poor diet, injuries, nerve racking tests, and school morning jitters are all fair game as far as our adrenal glands are concerned. Adrenal fatigue syndrome results when the adrenal glands function below normal levels, usually the result of prolonged, chronic stress.
Adrenal fatigue can affect any person, at any age. Sadly, more and more children are suffering symptoms of adrenal fatigue. Conventional medicine does not recognize adrenal fatigue syndrome until the adrenal glands reach the point of complete failure (Addison’s disease). As a result, many people go through life suffering from undiagnosed adrenal symptoms”tired, foggy, stressed, tired, foggy, stressed, etc.
The good news is, we don’t have to go through life tired and stressed anymore (or foggy either!). There are many things you can start doing now to boost your quality of life.
Burned Out Babies?
You may be thinking your little ones are too young to “burn out” but unfortunately children’s adrenal glands see stress even before birth. Children born to mothers with adrenal fatigue and children who experience stress in utero usually have lower adrenal function (remember that stress in utero can come from various sources— like a mama who eats food she is sensitive to while pregnant or a mama who is stressed out because of a high risk pregnancy). Because of this, children may be less able to deal with stress in their lives and may also suffer from adrenal fatigue symptoms like lowered immune function. Unfortunately, illness causes additional stress in the body and compounds the problem of adrenal fatigue and lowered immune function, creating a vicious cycle.
For babies and children who are more at risk for adrenal fatigue (or for those who exhibit symptoms of adrenal fatigue) it is wise stay aware of nutritional and lifestyle factors that might be causing unnecessary stress….”
I forgot to add that my doctor also gave me Dr Wilson’s adrenal fatigue vitamins & progesterone pills (hormonal to clam the body) nature hormone not man made. Here is some other vitamins that you should have your son tested for. Have a full vitamin panel tested including but not limiting to C, E, B complex, Magnesium. The body needs these vitamins to calm the body. Look into magnesium & B complex and the relationship with anxiety & depression.
Your son is also at the age his hormones are changing & with the stress he was enduring with his father his hormones could also be out of balance and needs to be adjusted with short term pills or cream.
Hi Jan7,
Thank you ever so much for providing all this useful information about adrenal fatigue. Ufortunately, to the best of my knowledge and understanding, this is not a condition which has been accepted at large by conventional western medicine as we know it. Due to this general medically trained practitioners will not entertain this or include it in their differential diagnosis when dealing with a patient. I have an allied health background and have scientific medical training and due to this don’t normally subscribe to what is inconclusively proven via conventional methods.
I would be more than happy to introduce this concept into our regular medical regime … which to be perfectly honest is not much. I will mention this to the team of clinicians which are treating my son and see how it goes down.
Thank you again for your advice.
Juki x
Jukidragonfly, your welcome. Wishing you & your family all the best!
Andi
I think you should not read his emails . If you get for some reason hit delete. Change you email asters so it will be returned to him. Do not respond or communicate in any way. I have been there. I know how hard it is not to respond and give them control. Totally ignore him. I did this almost 3 years ago. And I am still ignoring my ex husband. It’s the ONLY way to recover.
Thank you for replying so quickly. I know – every time I get any sort of contact it totally undermines me. I’d set up rules on my Mac and in my other email accounts to block it because I know what it does to me. I feel so lost and adrift at the moment. How is it possible to be like this?
x
Guess what – I’d missed out a full stop in the email address…. sorted now x
You know every time I read any of my husbands messages I inflicted more pain on me. It was like stabbing me in the heart all over again. He would write things that would attack my self worth and self esteem. He tried to slowly destroy me to shift the blame away from him and onto me. All the while he was living it up with the coworker going on cruises and dinners etc. once in awhile he had to make sure that I was still in pain, that I was still crying and hurting. And that’s when he sent those messages. I never told him I starred no contact. I just did. After a few months I saw the truth for the first time in my 20 year marriage. I was married to evil. I refuse to communicate with the devil. My ex will not bring any darkness in my life again. Because I won’t let him. I am in control and he is the enemy. Will that ever change ? Absolutely not. I now know that any contact with him will undo my almost 3 years of hard work , self control and self discipline. You have to guard your “inner child”. I had to use my brain when my heart wanted to respond to him. And eventually my brain took over. My heart healed. Of course there was an emptiness at first but I replaced it with happiness.
kaya48
“I had to use my brain when my heart wanted to respond to him. And eventually my brain took over. My heart healed. Of course there was an emptiness at first but I replaced it with happiness.”
YES. Emptiness is NORMAL but… we replace it with HAPPINESS….something that was never going to be real while with a monster.
Bravo Kaya. So much wisdom. It’s not easy to leave b/c it means we have to give up hope. But what we failed to realize was that they was NO HOPE from the moment he said hello. It was NEVER going to be what he promised b/c HE was NOT made that way. We could EVERYTHING right and life with him was ALWAYS going to fail, always going to be massive heartache b/c… he was incapable of anything else.
Not what he said of me
This is so true. Life with him was always a struggle,exhausting and tiring. It was never calm. If it started calm and “happy” it ended it tears and drama. Yes, it is difficult to give up hope. And I never wanted to give up hope. But there was no hope left for me , I had no more strength to compete with his affair partners. Which I should have never done in the first place. It was devastating for me at first but then so freeing, so empowering and just so RIGHT. My world fell into place. A wonderful , sane place.
I have been reading this site today as I suspect that my now recent ex partner is seriously deceptive, it has felt like something else is going on the whole time I was with him and we were slowly marching towards my doom. Sounds strange but I started to feel he was working his way into setting me up for ruination. I could never love him enough, prove it enough or answer the phone, have sex or do anything enough for him. He was always unhappy and came up with several reasons why it was me. This would be a speech I would hear about once every two weeks with much yelling sulking and drama, then a walk out, then endless text and calls until I gave in.
He had issue with everyone I knew, my work and my ex husband(which I understand) but I had split with my ex 2 years before we met and while there was issues I have handled them very well. All I heard was how my ex and I were to attached (seriously NOTHING further from the truth) and how I was cheating, about to cheat or was planning on it.
One day not long ago I was sitting on my couch listening to another lecture about how I don’t know how to love, how I am clearly about to cheat and something just snapped inside me and I ended it a few days later.
I went no contact (as I read this is best) and boy oh boy DID I get calls, text even at work. He came to my house scaring my daughter with his anger and went to my caravan site when I wasn’t there leaving a hidden note for my 9 year old daughter.
After so much emotional abuse, roller coaster riding and declarations of his endless love in the last two years I just couldn’t do it anymore. Right up until late last night he was texting he loved me, needed me- I read this site then went on the local RSVP site and found him on there a few minutes ago!!!. seriously WTF??. Why am I so mad?. I am not calling him on it at all, just riding the wave. I feel sick.
At least I have the below to be thankful for- No matter how much he tried to get me to move in I didn’t, we shared no money, no child and I kept my friend’s as separate as I could. and yet I couldn’t let go of him for 2 years??. even though looking back I was flat out trying to protect my child and I from him. No one I have dated ever said I was the things he said. I know I have faults and funnily enough those faults have been mentioned by a couple of men (so yes I know they are my faults)
He has a HUGE tax debt from a closed business, hasn’t paid personal tax for 5 Years (big no no in Australia)he has been fired 3 times in the last two years and slept with hundreds of woman according to him. so I am a Stunned mullet (aussie for mouth open and flopping about with no clue what the hell is going on). The expression is ” don’t just stand there like a Stunned Mullet, do something”. This Stunned mullet is going to keep the no contact up and is looking for a way to heal from this nonsense. Seriously HE is out there dating days later??. After saying that’s what I am doing-GOD no way.
Also I am so sorry to read the stuff I have on this site, but its helped me already.
Dear Stunnedmullet, I am so sorry this has happened to you. I can certainly understand you being a stunned ‘mullet’ (fellow Aussie)as all the others on this site unfortunately can as well. BTW that is a perfect way to describe that moment when you finally learn the truth. Lovefraud is a wonderful safe space filled with comfort, information, caring & validation.
Keep breathing, We are all here for you!!
Sending you hugs & blessings
Dragon
Thank you Dragonleight,
I am trying to take it one day at a time and it seems a journey of a thousand emotions in a day, kind of like my real feelings have now had a chance to be released because I am no longer under the very real chaotic storm of an existence that I was. Being held ransom to the daily onslaught of his feelings and thoughts was hard work to keep up with. I think it was more about the effect that it was having on me, than any kind of validity the storms he caused had.
I was too confused and upset, blaming myself for not understanding what was going on in my relationship, looking for solutions or reasons-to stop and think, maybe that’s how he wanted it to be. Me feeling like that so he could change my frame of reference about who I am on a fundamental level.
I just stopped trying to make it work and focused on being me every time he complained to any degree I would hold up what I believed the world to be like, and how I want to be and how I felt-this all quietly in my head with minimal expression to him, I would just go about life my way.
That’s when he said very nasty things about who I am according to him, his experience of me was apparently awful. I was a terrible person on so many levels. I could feel his frustration building so I kept quietly just being me because I just cant change for him. very tough ignoring his verbal onslaughts. then I just had enough and now I feel washed up on the beach after a storm, surrounded by broken things but alive. what I sense as my biggest loss is my confidence. I have been through a great deal in my life with dignity and now I lose my confidence-because of being around him?. so now I kept who I am intact-but now I don’t think I have much value, maybe because its been a very dark person who has reflected my qualities back to me.
on another note his RSVP profile has a nice series of photos of him, he always looks kind and laid back in photos (weird). But they are head shots that were clearly taken at his last job site, were he stopped working only a day after we broke up. and he isn’t any of the things on the site he listed. I thought oh my god, that’s how I would of loved that dickhead to be. Grrr, I have to let that lie go, like the rest.
If after reading some of these posts and being so amazed at what everyone on this site has been through I feel very humbled to be on here. seriously strong people on here.
Dear Stunnedmullet,
Pat yourself on the back, you did it! You CHOSE YOU! Write your name down on the list of strong women because…..YOU ARE ONE OF US…Together we will all RISE Stronger & Smarter than ever. One day their KARMA will catch up with them
I can so understand that, some days it felt like he was haunting me inside my head. It was almost as crazy making as when i was still with him. I made a habit of every time him or thoughts of him came into my head I would say “NO! You ARE NOT WELCOME, PISS OFF” For the first month this became my mantra, some days I would be screaming it, but then it eased, still happens but not as much & i don’t go in panic mode any where as much.
There will be lots of ups and downs as you begin to heal & sort out your life “Spath Free” woohoo! Come on here vent, read, connect, we all understand where you are at & where you have been. You are not alone!! Hang in there-One minute, One hour, One step at a time and you will get there.
Just wanted to say HE wasn’t a mirror reflecting you, more like a pane of glass which showed him! HIS words, reflections & actions are ALL him, try not to take them on as your own because THEY ARE A LIE! THEY ARE NOT YOU!!
Sending you hugs, peace & blessings
Dragon
Dear Mullet.
Glad you found us here. All have been travelers in crazy land with this terrible people. I like the stunned mullet expression. Cute. We in south Texas used stunned mullet pieces fir bait to fish in the surf. I hadn’t thought about mullets in a very long time.
My ex didn’t pay taxes either. He had several failed businesses. Of course the businesses failed because if the ex wives (4) that failed to keep good books and pay taxes. Hahahaha. Doesn’t sound like his latest new business is doing well either. Maybe he will blame new wife (5). Hahahaha. The common denominator is him not his poor wives. Oh well #5 deserves what ever nastiness comes her way. She is a home wrecker. Sometimes I’m almost grateful for her though. He is gone. This time for good. Thank god in heaven for that.
Hang tight Mullet. Things do get better. 😊
One time a therapist said to me “you cannot make someone love you and have respect for you if they are not capable of love and empathy. No matter what you do, how much you try, how much you are willing to change, he will never love you. My ex husband of 20 years viewed “love” as sex. Nothing else. No emotional connection, no compassion , no empathy. It was about fulfilling his sexual needs. Nothing more. Even the connection was only child, his son was missing. He was inappropriate spouse the entire marriage. When I caught him in his affairs , it was the first time he was caught. That’s all. And this is why they can discard and move on so easily. Because they have absolutely no connection with you. I will never go back to be played like a fool because now I outsmarted him by divorcing him.
Stunned mullet
This is exactly how they want you to be, how they want you to feel. Dazed and confused. My ex loved making me so upset that I was so confused. Then he could claim “gosh , look at you , how crazy you are, get yourself together “. They feed on that. I call it “ego kibbles” . It’s their narcissistic food supply. Without us feeding into their selfishness they would be nothing. It’s their blood line. I was so manipulated that I fed my ex his kibbles for 20 years. And even after he left for the other woman I was the nices person to him, pleading and begging for his affection or for his return. Until I woke up one morning and I had enough and filed for divorce. Now I cannot understand what a puppet he shaped me into. Only after many months of no contact was I able to see this. I am recorderd and healed now. But it was a difficult road. You must focus just on yourself. Don’t look him up on any social websites or even his friends. Take it one day w a time and think of YOU only. It’s HIM and only HIM who caused you this pain and this why you can NEVER be friends . Once my ex husband said ,” maybe we can be friends one day. ,”. Yeah never in my lifetime. I am not friends with the devil.
Kaya48- OMG-I will never go back on that site again, your right, while I have not had any contact with him- in spite of the flood from him I am being somewhat obsessive in my thinking about him now I know he is on there. He dropped a massive hint in one of the text messages which is why I looked. Damn it!! I haven’t gone back since I found him and wont. I don’t have face book or any of that stuff so I will bring my thinking back to me and my life. Train myself back into not being anyone’s life blood. Thank goodness I never texted him when I found it-I had a mad urge to and really-he can do what he likes its his life not mine. I will never be his friend – that’s a bit like trying to swim with salt water crocodiles and expecting to survive.
THANK YOU.