UPDATED FOR 2024: When we finally figure out that just about everything a sociopath told us is a lie, we are shocked. How can anyone lie so fluently? And why did we fall for it?
Here are 10 reasons why the sociopath’s lies seem so believable:
- Sociopaths tell you how honest they are
Early on, sociopaths may tell you how much they value honesty, and that truthfulness is the foundation of all relationships. Their objective is to convince you of their trustworthiness, so that when you encounter their lies, you don’t see them.
- Sociopaths lie while they look directly into your eyes
Some experts say that if people look up and to their right while speaking, it’s a sign that they are lying. Other experts dispute this. Regardless, we all tend to believe that if someone can look us in the eye while talking, then they are telling the truth. Sociopaths know this, so they look us in the eye as they lie.
- Sociopaths mix truth with lies
This is a key sociopathic strategy — mixing truth with lies. You know for a fact that some of what the sociopath says is true (and the sociopath knows that you know), so you infer that the rest is true. Unfortunately, you’re wrong.
- Everything is a lie
One way that we spot lies is by noticing change. At first, the story was this, now it’s that. With a sociopath, however, there is no change to notice, because the lying starts from the very beginning and just keeps going.
- Sociopaths lie with no physical reaction
Lying makes most of us feel anxious, which causes physical symptoms. These symptoms are what polygraph machines measure — changes in heart rates/blood pressure, respiration and skin conductivity. Because sociopaths are comfortable lying, they feel no anxiety, so there are no physical changes to observe.
- Sociopaths cover their lies with more lies
When we confront sociopaths about their lies, they tell more lies to cover up the original lies. Most of us would never be able to keep all the lies straight, but sociopaths are frequently gifted in this — they can remember exactly what they told to whom, and they keep the story going.
- “I would never lie!”
When questioned about something they said, sociopaths often proclaim, with righteous indignation, that they would never lie. They are so emphatic about this, and so obviously crestfallen that you could possibly think that they lied, that you end up apologizing — even though they are, in fact, lying.
- Sociopaths lie with complete confidence
It’s hard to imagine that someone who is so charismatic, charming and confident, is also a complete liar. They exhibit no doubt whatsoever. They seem to command you to believe them — so you do.
- The claims are so outrageous that they must be true
Sociopaths claim to be special forces soldiers, foreign royalty, Ph.D. scientists, born-again Christians, spiritual leaders and more. They may forge or buy certificates, medals and other documentation to prove their stories. You can’t imagine anyone would have the nerve to make such claims without them being true — so you believe them.
- Practice makes perfect, and sociopaths practice a lot
The more sociopaths lie, the better they get at it — and typically, sociopaths have been lying all their lives. So they are very, very good at it. Unfortunately, most humans are lousy lie detectors, so the rest of us simply haven’t got a chance. Sociopaths lie, and we don’t spot the lies until it’s too late.
Learn more: Tools for navigating narcissists and other manipulative people.
Lovefraud originally posted this story on Nov. 28, 2016.
Should I warn the next victim?
This is all so F***ING true.
Now that I see this in black and white it was there the whole time. I feel like a fool
Yes, we all do after the fact.
But, we shouldn’t feel like fools. Not even a bit.
I too believed EVERYTHING he told me; even though I suspected he was ‘fibbing’ or doctoring the truth to make himself ‘look good’some of the time. I wrote it off as his being insecure, being maltreated in his life (before me), needing MY love, compassion, caring to help him become a good man. But..as I learned, it was ALL LIES, every darn bit of any speech-making he did to me, at me..WAS LIES.on top of LIES. Did I feel like a fool, when I found this out, little by little? You bet I did. Became very judgmental of myself for swallowing ALL of his bilge, not questioning any of it. Not even being told “I love you, love you”..lies all of it. He did it for HIS own agenda..and in his mind, lies work as well as the truth.
I clearly remember the numerous, NUMEROUS conversations Justin and I had at the beginning of our relationship about infidelity and how it seemed that he had as much of an absolute ZERO tolerance toward it as I did. I remember even saying to him, “I KNOW YOU will never cheat on me, because if you did, that would make you the biggest hypocrite in the world, as much as you vehemently abhor it! “ I felt safe in this regard, but became increasingly concerned when he was constantly accusing ME of cheating, with absolutely no basis for it.
ӬWhen the evidence began to surface and continue to stack up, I was his biggest proponent in successfully enabling him to continue to cheat on me, which he did from DAY ONE, because I was in so much shock over slowly discovering this was the complete opposite of who he had presented to me in every single way, I actually enabled him for a long time by simply refusing to believe it, even when I caught him with his hand in the cookie jar and crumbs all over his face!
And when I finally got a hold of his phone and only saw ONE day’s worth of texts, I saw that he was cheating on me with THIRTEEN different women! THIRTEEN!!! This, after he literally tortured me over two lines of harmless flirting with a guy i was playing Words with Friends with, whom I had no interest in and never even found out his name, not to mention he lived in a different state! (And this happened within the first month of our dating, which, by the way, was during the time he was professing his love to me through misty, teary eyes. Same time frame that he was also going home to his live-in girlfriend as well.)
I should have seen all of his lies. But I’d never come across ANYONE that could stack lie upon lie upon lie upon lie! When I finally figured out what he was, and I went down the SOCIOPATH checklist, I was absolutely floored to see I had checked off every, single trait of a sociopath in him. Unbelievable.
Lack of empathy. Check.
No remorse. Check.
Sexually promiscuous. Check.
Gambling addiction. Check.
Criminal record. Check.
High risk behavior. Check.
Attitude that he was above the law. Check.
Violent. Check.
Out of control anger. Check.
Would always flip what he’d gotten caught doing and somehow make it my fault. Check.
And on and on and on”.
In the end, I ended up with a FELONY STRIKE on what was up until this point a perfectly clean record, not even a DUI or a misdemeanor.
I lost my entire family.
He’s stolen all of my valuables and all of my money. Pretty much everything that wasn’t nailed down., that after I of course supported him completely for 3 years.
Scars from the physical abuse.
At one point he shoved me down so hard I peed myself.
He had even stolen a blank check from my elderly mother’s bank account in addition to stealing all of my Coach purses and selling them to the ’hood rats he’d been f*#king.
All in all, $10,000 in cash”.gone. $14,000 in valuables”.gone.
Crushed heart. 3 years wasted. Major trust issues now. Self esteem to rebuild. Wow. WOW.
I sincerely feel for you as I do for myself. I am much older and should be wiser. I have been back and forth in a sick relationship with a sociopath of another kind.
He is not an out an out crook but he uses women and has been using me for the last two years. He is a great liar and I know when he is lying. I cannot seem to completely break away from him. I have tried the no contact rule and it lasts for a while then he stalks me. He is a married man whose wife allowed him and still allows him to stay at my home. In two years we must have broken up at least 25 times. He is extremely possessive or he uses it as a tool to fight with me when he needs to break up. I usually let him because I need the break from him anyway. This is the part that scares me. I allow him back and I miss him when he is not around even though he displays crazy behavior with respect to constant checking on me, accusing me of things that I would never ever do and just about anything else you can think of.
This man found me at my lowest. I suffered the loss of my husband about five years prior and I take care of my elderly mother. Most men don’t want any part of this program. This man has been kind to my mother and has been through some rough patches. He stayed with me when I had surgery and took care of me. He shows at time what seems genuine feelings.
This story is so convoluted that it would take a book to write about it. I know his personality, I play into many times and I have expended thousands of dollars on him in two years. He has never stolen anything from me and the money for the most part was because I knew he had so little and I did not mind at first. But, he and his wife I believe are in it together. I am in touch with his daughter in law and we speak daily, I have had contact with his grandchildren and they think I am an aunt. I have intertwined myself in the family dynamic somehow and this at times have proved to cause me to break up with him, block him and ignore him the best I can.
Crazy as it sounds this man is lost without me and when I do finally let him back in he looks like hell. I let him back again and I believe he has motive and I am going to let him play it out. One day this story may be a best seller.
My children will disown me if I were to ever let this man divorce his wife and marry me. I doubt he ever would divorce his wife even though he has cheated on her the entire time they have been together. Although we have been together for two years, it was this last year he has spent almost the entire year with me and I am certain he never cheated on me. I don’t know why because with every women he has been with outside his marriage, he has cheated on them.
Having a degree in Human Services I think the social worker in me thinks I can change this person. I know I can’t completely change him but his daughter in law admits she has seen plenty in the seven years married to his son and has seen improvement while he is with me. But, he still has some severe issues that I have not completely diagnosed and besides sociopathic behavior I believe there is much more going on in that head of his. Sometimes I believe bipolar and other times I believe borderline personality disorder. I also believe he is dyslexic. There is a lot going on but he is also European and his culture also brings another aspect to his behavior we Americans don’t tolerate.
I know I am lonely and at my age I know there are slim pickings and in most cases they have a different set of problems. I watch girlfriends go through men like crazy. I will probably eventually end this but for now he is in my life. I will not allow him to drain me dry that is for sure.
All the best to you.
catnoch – please keep in mind that involvements with sociopaths are highly addictive, and it is probably the addiction that prevents you from ending it for good. In order for you to leave, you would need to break off contact with him and his entire family. I encourage you to do this, because he will never change, and it will never get better. And yes, the wife may be in on it. Also, if he has cheated on prior women, it is unlikely that he is not cheating on you.
One more thing – it is possible for people to have symptoms of multiple personality disorders, along with other psychological conditions. But when disordered people are adults, they don’t change.
Donna:
This is not the first time you and I have communicated and I have worked hard in the past to take your advice. Yes, I am addicted and I have told myself over and over I am addicted to this bad behavior. What scares me most is why?
My father was a sociopath and I did not meet him until I was ten. He then was out of my life for another 11 years and I would not let him take advantage of me and it was easy for me to turn my back on him. I think deep down I have some sort of psychological disorder because of what I experienced as a child and even though I had a step dad, my biological dad had a strong hold on my mother emotionally.
I have always been a very strong, independent woman until certain things occurred in my life leaving me feeling confined and needy. I have never been a needy person but I find myself more and more needy.
This addiction I have for this man I know is sick and there are times I get so depressed and angry at myself for allowing this in my life.
I know this man is never going to change. I was just about out of it when he came crawling back. I know he needs something this is for sure. I may just give it to him and have him sign an IOU and see if he denies asking me for something.
This has been beyond sick.
Catnoch – I’m sure there is a relationship between your experience with this man and what you experienced as a child. The wounds we have as children can make us vulnerable to a sociopath. But the opposite is also true – by working to recover from a sociopath, we can also recover from our childhood traumas.
Maybe this will help you maintain No Contact – you will be recovering from both the sociopath and your father.
You might also want to research trauma bonds – it’s probably what you are experiencing.
Donna:’
Thank ou for your insight on trauma bonds. My childhood was something more than my father’s distance it also involved my mother taking from hospital after a premature birth to live with total strangers until I was 4 1/2 then took me from what I believed to be my family to be with her who was abusive and my grandmother would step in to protect me. Then My grandmother died while I was walking home with heron a blizzard and in Italian asked fr my sister and I to walk ahead. At first we did not and then my sister asked what she was saying and I explained and so we did. Within minutes she was face first in the show. I lost the only person who would ever protect me again.
I am so sorry that you have had to go through all of this.
What a nightmare.
It is so easy to be duped by these types, and they seem to target intelligent, warm empathetic people. I can see these things in your post. You have all of those wonderful qualities that the shitbags want to suck out of you…because they are not those things. They literally envy and ‘hate’ good people, for they are not that.
It just makes me sick when I read these stories again and again. What a spath epidemic this world seems to have.
So relieved that you are out of it. All the best to you and yoor new life.
Dear catnoch,
Being single and alone, even in your 50’s or 60’s or older is not a death sentence. In fact, if you are engaged in life and taking appropriate risks – taking classes, teaching, traveling, or whatever you may like to do – you don’t have time for fear and worry about aging – you will be actively engaged in your life. You will begin to attract similar people, and the next thing you know, you will have healthier relationships. It’s possible to be single without being lonely. And personally, I find it’s good to have standards and not to lower them. Every time I’ve lowered my standards out of loneliness, it never ended well.
Stargazer:
You are 100% correct. I went way low with this man and now I am not interested so much in having a man. I need to work on getting my life back. With exception of a few I still have a true friend base and my family are so happy I am finally rid of this man. I did it finally last night after observing his behavior in the course of the last few days and the wonderful words written here.
I thank you and the others and especially Donna.
Best regards,
We’ve all been there, catnoch. Congratulations on the start of your recovery and new life.
For the last few months I had been up and down with continuous break ups and then getting back together again. This creature was so complexed it is often too difficult to reconcile in my brain why would any human being want to be associated with him. But I was and as Donna has said to me, it was an addiction.
I am not sure if my words here are of any value to anyone reading them, but I want to pass along what I exposed myself to and knowing all along exactly what this man was all about. He was about what he could get for himself and his family. When I first met him he had told me he was divorced and had left his wife back in Bosnia and was living with his two sons. Lie number one. Later I found out he had a girlfriend after I came home from a trip.
My sexual relationship began with phone sex and I had no physical contact with him in the beginning. It would not be until later that I would learn this sociopath could not switch it on and off that easily. You see he had to put distance between his sexual encounters. Even though he was a no good for nothing cheat, he had his own set of standards and now that I look back at it I realize why at times he would behave the way he did. He liked sex that was certain and I suppose that was my drug. He knew how to satisfy me even if the actual act of sex did not take place and that would make me think. How many men do that. Well, now I know. This man did that because he could not mentally or maybe physically perform had he been with either his wife or another. I didn’t think it possible because he was with me most times after work and his spare time, however the frequent break-ups now have me realizing how clever he was. Even though we would break up, I would block his calls and have nothing to do with him, he would leave messages where the blocked messages go or use someone else’s phone to call me. He would also stalk me and find who I was with and what I was doing and report back to me often accusing me of things that never happened. He used this tactic often. Always accusing me of some disgusting act and often saying I went a girlfriend to have sex.
For the most part I live a very isolated life taking care of my mother most days. I get help when I have to go out and I can sneak out to the grocery store because of how I have my house set up so she can’t leave. This man knows this. However, he would call me all day long asking me why it took me so long to answer the phone, what was I doing, he would say he heard other voices and someone must be here in the house with me. He had me fire my lawn guys who I had for 11 years saying I must have had something to do with one of them which was so ludicrous anyone who knows me that would never happen. He then had me buy lawn equipment and said he would do the lawn. Well guess who was doing the lawn? He would always say it didn’t need it. I live in a deed restricted gated community and you know how they are? He would ask me why I needed to go to the store, why I needed to get my nails done on whatever day it was. If I had to go run errands and he was working he would accuse me of doing something behind his back. I know all of it was part of his manipulation and I was always living on eggshells. At my age and with the job I have taking care of my mother I did not need this. For what?
The break ups were becoming more and more frequent since June when I went to my granddaughter’s wedding in Costa Rica. He was pretty good with it, however he called incessantly and I ended up with a $400.00 cell phone bill that I negotiated down but still, he knew I was with my family and would ask questions in detail who was there, how many people showed up, what we were doing and the list went on and on. I should have shut my phone off and said the service was not good, but he would have went nuts when he could finally reach me. My daughters would say hang up on him, but I couldn’t. I must have been out of my mind. The June prior I went to my grandson’s high school graduation and it was the same thing ending up in yet another break up because he accused me of seeing an old boyfriend (which by the way I don’t have in NJ or anywhere). All part of the manipulation.
My mother broke her hip sometime in April and she was in rehab for three months. He would go religiously with me, was always showing concern for her and making sure we would pick up things for her to snack on and drink. He would always fill her cups with fresh water and a fresh drink and always tell her to eat all her food. He was so attentive until the day before she was to leave the facility when I stopped to get a massage on the way home from leaving my mother. Because you have to shut your cell phone off and he could not contact me, I was once again accused of doing something. He knew you could not have your phone on. What was one hour he insisted was three hours and broke up with me when I was relying on his help to bring her home and get her upstairs. I got help from my family so all was good.
He made up with me in perhaps a week and a half but it would not be for three months that I learned the true reason for the breakup and it was to take his ex-girlfriend to a wedding. He said only went to the wedding and it was not planned and nothing else happened. It was after this I realized if he did that, what else had he done in the past. So for the last two months it has been on and off. Now the switch is off and I pray the switch is broken so it never gets turned on again.
I share this information so others may know they are not nuts and we so many of us get taken in over and over until we say “when”.
Thank you for sharing. I am a few years out of entanglement with a psychopath. I relate to your experience, and particularly where you are now – the absolutely most difficult time when you are just beginning no contact on the path to break free.
Going through the break up/get back together cycle many times could be because he knows exactly how to manipulate you into that cycle. You might consider his part in controlling your participation in the cycle. You might also consider your view of both the negative and perceived positive aspects of continuing to relate to him. Maybe make a list of the pros and cons of continuing vs. ending the interactions. You might consider both yourself and your perception of his point of view. Consider that it is likely he has been manipulating your perception.
I am in my late 50’s. I continued interacting with my ex psychopath for a couple of years because I thought there was some value in his help around the house, etc. When I finally got free of him I experienced the following:
His ‘help’ was more trouble than it was worth. It is much easier to get anything and everything done by myself, with someone else’s help, or just pay a tradesman to do it. I get a lot more work done without the spath around so I earn more money.
I realized that my perception of my ex psychopath was skewed by his manipulation. I came to understand that many things he said and did which I’d taken at face value were actually manipulative tactics. I learned that he lied about a lot more than I realized. I concluded that I had no idea the extent of his lies and activities, due to his pathological lying.
Once the spath was gone, my time filled up with friends, family and activities. I took up Shape Note Singing and went back to clogging. I took some college classes and got a certificate in a subject I’m interested in. I am much more engaged in everything I do. I realized how much time and energy relating to the spath was taking from me. I realized I was much lonelier when the spath was around.
I’m not looking for a romantic relationship, but in my experience the best way to end up in a good relationship is to make yourself the best person you can be, and enjoy your life as it is. I can’t imagine trying to find a partner while trapped in a draining relationship with a spath.
I never thought I would be this happy and enthusiastic about my life. Getting rid of him had an overwhelmingly positive impact on my life, although it was a painful and stressful time getting free. It was a big loss to be grieved, as it is for you.
Annette:
I made a list of at 40 things I no longer have to contend with and the more I review the list the more I recognize how he was manipulating me with telephone calls and many other tactics.
Catnoch,
I had to respond because I couldn’t believe your story, it has so many similarities to mine!
First, I too have been taking care of my elderly mother. She too broke her hip and my “s-path” was right there being so incredibly attentive and sweet. One of my favorite photos of him is him sitting next to mom at her hospital bed with his hand gently laid on her forehead as she gazes at him, looking so grateful and he looking so concerned and loving!
I was accused of cheating every time I went to the grocery store too. I was always timed and could never get any of my errands done in the time he felt was appropriate, therefore I must have been f#*king one of the bag boys at Albertson’s!
Of course, he would disappear for DAYS and I was chastised and tortured over questioning him or mentioning that something was wrong with this behavior.
He broke up with me too once over my getting a massage because I turned my phone off as well for an hour so I must have been out throwing my body at another man!
One time I counted just how many nights he had stayed gone and cut off all contact and it was over 100 nights in a period of six months! Of course he to do this day claims he only stayed away because I told him to. Well, only AFTER he would stay put all night would I tell him not to come home, not before. Once he started using this as an excuse for staying gone, I made certain I never said it again. So then it became, “I didn’t come home because I suspected that you were going to get made and we would fight!” No, he didn’t come home because he was out tending to his other, multiple relationships!
I went and saw him in jail on Friday. He is now sober. (He’s also a meth addict and gambling addict. Just a great big winning ticket all around!). I wanted to see if it was the drugs causing his behavior or if he is indeed a sociopath. He is indeed a sociopath. I’m moving away. It will be the only way I will escape him. I hope he’s in jail for a long time. He’s in there for a crime unrelated to me, but I made sure that the DA also knew about the $14,000 worth of valuables he stole from me as well.
I have created a website that is just in its beginning design stages that is for women (and men) to be able to warn others about people like this, as well as just cheaters, abusers, etc. I will post its address as soon as it’s ready.
I’m a poet and am also publishing a collection of poetry about my experience. (From Theilled to Chilled: My Love Affair with a Sociopath.)
Here is my latest poem about him. I hope you like it. Sounds like you and I were walking parallel paths!
You can see more if my writing at http://www.fortisecreations.com
Love’s Possibility of Tomorrows
If only I could have understood,
The game we were destined to play,
Could have been privy to the dance steps,
Prior to the music beginning.
How helpful it would have been,
Prior to combining the ingredients:
You. Me. My Love. Your Intentions.
Before hastily mixing over high heat.
But you know me.
Not exactly the cautious type.
Boldly jumping in without checking
If the pond has any water.
So”when your sunshine scent,
Looping linguistics and
Effervescent elixir,
All wafted into my hungry senses”
I inhaled so deeply,
I hardly noticed the burn.
I gulped up the bait,
Until I was suffocating in the deceit.
I was hardly a worthy opponent.
I was already a fragile vessel.
There were surfaces on me
Worn thin from previous storms.
Deep cracks in my hull,
Tears in my sails’ fabric,
Over-extended, thread-barren,
A soul in need of resurfacing.
But I guess you did warn me,
You said you should have come,
With a warning label.
To be fair, I wouldn’t have read it.
“Warning. Proceed With Caution.”
“Not Suitable for Amateurs.”
“Debilitating Pain Likely.”
“Sociopath On Board.”
As it was, I found myself splintered,
Dangerously taking on water,
In the eye of a major hurricane.
Decidedly unseaworthy.
And finally, as they always do,
The shattering gale winds,
The relentless, pounding rain,
The deafening, crashing waves, settled.
And as I came to, hungrily gulping in,
Those first, new breaths, signs of life,
My will to survive surging through me,
I finally, carefully took inventory:
Two arms”attached”still able to,
One day embrace another.
Two legs”not yet stable”but still able to,
Carry me along another journey.
A soul”a bit wiser and still able to soar.
One heart”a bit bloody, but still beating,
With the rhythmic whisper of hope,
In Love’s possibility of tomorrows.
© 2016 Elisa Fortise Christensen
Beautiful poem portraying your experience with the spate. Thanks for the kind words.
I can relate to all, especially “looping linguistics” and “suffocating in the deceit.”
Amazing poem, thanks for sharing it. Really good reflection of the intensity of the spath experience. I love the expression of hope and strength in the aftermath.
Re number 1, I believe my ex psychopath verbally emphasized trust and honesty in a relationship to be sure I would be honest to him and also trust him.
Re number 7, when I confronted him with one or more of his lies, he often retorted, “Are you accusing me of lying?” changing the focus to my bringing up the lie and training me not to bring up his lies and other evil behaviors.
I have just found out that I was in a relationship with a spath. We were together for 1 1/2. Never in my life could i believe that this eould hallen to me. I thought i was smart enough to see it. He fits the checklist on almost everything. On our very first date he yalked about the importance of honesty and being faithful. He looked me straight in my face and said these things to me. I was so overwhelmed and we had such chemistry that i thought i had found “the one”. One our second date he asked me to move in with him. I was floored. There was no way i would fo this. Ictold him i won’t live with someone unless i am married to them. That must have been his key to making me believe anything he said. Within a month he was madly in love with me telling me that i was the first person he ever gave his heart to. (he was 40 yrs old and never married). I was over the moon. The love and affection didnt last long. He lived 1 1/2 hrs from me and would only talk to me by text unless he felt like it. This started a roller coaster ride for me. When i did see him he woyld be warm and loving and then an hour later he would change. He had suffered a brain injury (that i actually saw proof of) that affected him. He did not have any long term memory and he was seeing a dr to help him with that and other issues. He was on medication that was being changed all the time so i thought this was what was causing our issues. He had told me in the begging that once he left relationship he never came back. This was mot true with us. He wold get mad about stupid stuff and leave. Sometimes gone a week sometimes 3. But he always came back. Fast forward to a month ago he was coming to my house for the weekend and he just disappeared. Nothing. He blocked my number. The last time i heard from him was on November 4. I finally called on another phone the day after Thanksgiving and a woman answered his phone. She asked if he knew me saying my name. She gave him the phone and i asked him how long he had been seeing this other person. October 10. He had been texting and talking to me the whole time telling me how he loved me so very much. I am sure this new person has no idea about this. Akso she has mo idea that she is lucky #6 (that i know of) that he has seen in the last 2 years.i asked him if he ever loved me and he said no. I dont know if he said no because she was standing there or not….I’m devasted. How could someone tell you while looking at you that they loved you so much. Wanted to plan their life with you. I am old enough to know better but every time i tried to walk away he would suck me back in. Getting rid of this man from my heart and soul has been gut wrenching. I has made me physically ill. Some days i dont know how to get out of bed. And the crazy thing is i secretly want him to call me to tell that he really loved me…..ive read everything i can on spaths. This is one of the hardest things i have ever done. Any advise would be helpful
Perfect words for me to plaster all over my house. “What you have to realize is that you are in love with a person who does not exist! It is an illusion created by a person who sees you only as a resource. A means to get what he wants.
They are so charming and overtake your heart and your life so completely that you lose your compass and site of what normal, healthy behavior is. They are the masters of manipulation!”
Thank you for these words
Hang in there. Depression is not worth the time to spend on these individuals who steal our Kindness, hearts, compass, money and anything else we are will to give up.
You can also email me at catch@yahoo.com on those rough days.
Hi mzpris15, glad you found your way to Donna Anderson’s wonderful site (Lovefraud). This site is a true blessing to navigate thru all of the chaos you are enduring from this crazy sociopath in your life.
First, I want to recommend that you do NOT contact anyone here on this site via an email address unless it is passed along via Donna herself. This is the best way to stay safe since you are in a vulnerable state right now.
Second, I want to recommend that you read everything on this site starting at the very top of this site. Each tab has valuable information & is a library full of info.
On the top of Lovefraud to the right you can do searches on subject matters…for starters look at these items below (also google):
Gas lighting abuse
No Contact rule
Sociopath no contact rule
gray rock
sociopath Triangulation
Sociopath smear campaign
sociopath addiction
pathological liar
This sociopath literally created an addiction in you…with his words & his touching…just like a drug, food or alcohol addiction. How do you stop…this is not easy but for me the more I read when I was crying, mad, angry or did not want to get out of bed the more it opened up my mind to the fact I was literally married to the devil himself.
Your ex also used mind control, hypnosis and trance to control your mind so know you need to unravel all this brain washing!! SCARY what they are truly capable of!!!!
One way to change how you feel about him is to picture his face next to someone like Charles manson or an other evil person as they are the same type person.
Every time this man got in a fight with you “over stupid stuff” know that it was his plan all along so that he could go to other women he had on the hook homes. This is what they do!!
When I told my counselor after leaving my ex h that I thought he cheated on me 8-12 she said it was more like 3 or 4 times that amount as this is what sociopath do…they are serial cheaters and have many many women on the hook…some long term some short term which they will return to years later. He has you hooked into his game.
How do you escape his hooks?
YOU FOLLOW THE NO CONTACT RULE STARTING TODAY!!!
What does the no contact rule mean?
BLOCK him from everything in your life!!!
Block him from social media asap!!
Change your phone number & only give it to your most trusted family & friends.
If he sends you something in the mail send it back without opening it by writing “Return to sender” and give it to the mail man without an additional postage required.
Call the police if he shows up at your door…under NO circumstance to you open your door to him!! He will just suck you back into his game with nothing but lies!!
MOST if not all victims of a sociopath suffer from anxiety & depression…aka PTSD. Get tested for vitamin & mineral deficiency, cortisol levels, hormonal imbalance as they are all issues of stress from a sociopath. Look up adrenal fatigue symptoms. See sites like DrLam. com & Adrenal fatigue. org.
Symptoms of adrenal fatigue = racing mind, anxiety, panic attacks, depression, mood swings, sleep issues etc etc the list is long.
On one site the site creater ask if anyone on the site has heal issue during their narcissistic/socipath relationship…over 400 victims said YES…and lister their symptoms which most were identical.
Get a piece of paper out and list all the mean, abusive, controlling, manipulative things this evil man did to you…and when you have those feeling of him calling you…read the list asap!!
You have to retrain your brain that he is NO good & evil and will bring nothing but heartache and disfunction to your life.
I promise you that you will get to the point that if you think about him it will make you not want to see him. It takes time but you will get to this point.
BE CONSCIENCELY AWARE OF YOUR EMOTIONS regarding him. Let out the tears, anger (not at anyone thou) and any other emotion.
Get into counseling with a extremely knowledgable counselor who knows about narcissist & sociopath abuse…MOST DO NOT KNOW about this kind of abuse!! SO interview them by phone.
Keep reading everything about sociopath…especially when you are sad, angry, mad or cant get out of bed…this will remind you of how evil he really is and that you deserve better but most importantly it will open your mind up from his brain washing.!!!
Donna Anderson has a phone coaching program that you can talk with her on the phone for a minimum fee just go to the top and look under the tab “Contact”
I’m truly sorry that you had a relationship with this crazy sociopath. It’s a heartache but you are strong and you will get thru this nightmare. I know it is hard to find out that your ex has 6 women on the side but it’s part of your closure on this man! SLAM THE DOOR SHUT FOREVER!!
If you are looking for closure, your closure is you found out he is a sociopath!
Wishing you all the best. Keep posting it’s part of the healing process.
Take care.
Mzpris15, this is from another site but it is an excellent article regarding the No contact rule & why to impose it. Please NEVER tell this guy what you have learned about him (being a sociopath) for your safety.
“Why Initiate a”No Contact” Rule When Leaving a Narcissistic Relationship
breakingfreeofchainsNo contact is initiated as a way of breaking the psychic emotional bonds between you and a narcissistic partner, friend or family member. If you have been involved with a narcissistic person for any length of time you will undoubtedly have a strong attachment to that person. This attachment needs to be weakened which will happen much more quickly once you engage the rules of “no contact.”
I am referring to the rules of “no contact” as RULES but these are only enforced by you. These are your rules! If you break these rules you are the one who pays the consequences. And”there are most definitely consequences that come in the form of emotional pain and re-attachment.
No contact gives you the space and time to get your energy back into your life. It can be challenging at first as you may have to resist the urge to answer the phone, return an Email or make that call. You must get into the habit of policing yourself for your own good.
Imagine that you have two different aspects of yourself; a parent self and a child self. The parent self will have to police the child self to be sure she doesn’t do anything that will hurt her. You know intellectually that breaking the rules of “no contact” will hurt that child, so you stop her from doing so, even though she is throwing a tantrum.
Making a decision to cut off contact with a narcissistic personality when leaving the relationship is an important part of your recovery process. The decision to initiate “NO Contact” is a decision for your health and sanity.
When you remain in contact you continue to engage in the relationship on some level and are still affected by its craziness and dysfunction. You will normally continue to be affected by the hot and cold behavior of the narcissist, be pulled in and pushed away, confused and hurt. You will continue to be drained energetically which results in depression and lethargy.
The best remedy for getting yourself back is to stop giving your energy to the relationship in any way. You can only dry off when you take your feet out of the water. Don’t allow the narcissist access to you and your energy!
Of course there are cases where ’no contact” is not possible due to the involvement of children or when the narcissistic personality is a direct family member. However even in these cases contact can be greatly limited and sometimes all contact can be through a third party mediator. See my article “When No Contact Can’t Work” for more info.
Here are the rules of No Contact:
1) Once you have made the decision to end the relationship get your business taken care of immediately, if possible. If you are married and going through a divorce you will need to initiate the divorce right away or make the decision to put it on hold for six months to a year while you take care of yourself and your family. During that time you can initiate “no contact” and then initiate the divorce paperwork, through an attorney when you are stronger. Let the narcissist in your life know that you are ending the relationship and won’t be in communication with him for a while. Ask him to please refrain from calling, text messaging, emailing, instant chat or stopping by your home or workplace.
2) Taking care of business involves getting your possessions, giving him his possessions. Getting separate living quarters, separating bills and anything that would give you a reason to contact him or for him to contact you. If necessary use a third party mediator.
3) Clean out your home and get rid of any memorabilia having to do with your ex-narcissistic partner. If you are having issues throwing something away or burning it, put it in a big box, tape it up and store it somewhere where you won’t see it. If you are comfortable burning sage or incense this can help clear the energy of your home. Also burning candles is a good way to shift the energy.
4) Make no arrangements for personal meetings. If he stops by, don’t answer the door. If you see him in public, put your sunglasses on, avoid eye contact and move past him as quickly as possible.
5) Make or accept no phone calls. If he calls, don’t answer the phone. If he calls from an unidentified number and you hear his voice on the other end, hang up without saying a word. He’ll get the message. If he leaves a voice mail message try and erase it without listening if you can. If he is persistent, consider having your phone number changed. This is your sanity we are talking about. It is priceless.
6) Make or accept no text messages, emails, or instant chat. It is best to block his emails and even consider having your own email address changed so he won’t have your information. This prevents him emailing you from an unknown address.
7) If you are on any mutual community Websites, you will want to stop visiting those sites. Do not access his Web pages, profiles, social media, or anything that will give you current info on him. What he is doing is none of your business. What you are doing is none of his.
8) If you have friends in common, you will want to let them know that you are avoiding any and all contact with him at this time so you can focus on your healing and you request that they NOT share any information about him with you nor any information about you with him. If you find mutual friends do not support your request you will want to avoid contact with them for a time. Do not allow anyone to tell you that what you are doing is crazy, silly, stupid, childish or invalidate your decision in any way. This is a time to surround yourself with people who support you and let go of people who don’t.
9) If you work with him, in the same office building, same company, etc.. Same rules apply. If you are forced to do business with him, keep all communication strictly business and don’t allow him to engage you in any other way. Remember: He no longer has access to you or your energy.
10) If you have children with him you are best to engage a mediator for all contact. Narcissistic people will often use the children as a way to get to you. You may consider asking a family member or good friend to act as the mediator for young children. If your kids are old enough to handle their own business, let them work out the details of any visits directly with the other parent and communicate with you to be sure you approve. Be careful not to use your children to punish the narcissistic parent. The kids will be the ones being affected. In some cases when the narcissistic parent realizes he has no control over you and using the kids doesn’t work, he may bow out altogether and you may rarely hear from him. So it is important that you don’t allow him access to you, even if you have kids. Keep it strictly business.
How Long Must No Contact Last?
No contact should remain in affect until you feel the bond has been completely severed. This can take several years so be prepared to continue “no contact” for a long time. Most will find once that bond is severed there is no need or desire to see that person, but the rules can soften a bit at this point so if you run into him on the street you may say “hello” and be kind, but not engage in any “real” conversation. If you have kids together you may be able to communicate directly at some point in the future, although there is absolutely no guarantee this will work well.
Once you have moved on, down the road, you will want to be careful not to make the mistake of believing maybe he/she has changed. The likelihood of any real change is very small. Always assume he or she is the same person as always. Even if change was possible, your trust in the narcissist has already been severely damaged and you would never likely be fully trusting again. This is no way to have a relationship. You deserve to have someone you can trust completely in your life.
If you need help sticking to No Contact, consider getting counseling or joining a support forum.”
Mzpris15, one last thing. The most dangerous time of for a woman leaving a abuisve relationship is when she is either planning to leave or has just left. So please contact your countries National domestic violence hotline to talk with a free counselors & get the number for your local abuse center where you can go for free counseling & free women group meetings. In the USA 800-799-SAFE…also see their website.
(YES you were in a mentally, emotional & verbally abusive relationship! (verbally does not have to mean yelling but it is manipulation, cunningness etc). The bulk of domestic abuse is not physical abuse but is actually emotional, mental, verbal & financial abuse.
Cheating = emotional & mental abuse
Lying = emotional, mental & verbal abuse
Manipulation = emotional, mental & verbal abuse
Gas lighting abuse = emotional, mental & verbal abuse
DID you know you were in a abusive relationship with this guy?
Thank y’all for for your comments and suggestions. I have never met anyone in my life like this person. He is a master manipulater. I have been told I see the good in people when others don’t. I always forgive too many times. I guess that is one of the reasons he was able to control me so well. I feel like I was hypnotized. This has been a slow healing. Pain everyday. I am so grateful that I found out that I am not crazy. Thank you.
You may very well have been hypnotized. My ex psychopath used hypnotic techniques on me.
Here is some information on the topic:
http://psychopathsandlove.com/psychopaths-use-trance-and-hypnosis-to-get-and-keep-victims/
https://psychopathyawareness.wordpress.com/2011/12/09/psychopathic-seduction-and-hypnotic-induction/
http://masksofsanity.blogspot.com/2009/02/stare-of-psychopath-whats-beneath-it.html
AnnettePK Thanks for posting this info!
mzpris15, out of all of the hell you endured hon please know this for certain…
You are NOT crazy!!
But he is crazy!!!
Now that you know this fact, keep him out of your life forever!!!
Sociopaths target everyone from the second they meet us. They attempt to snake into everyones life…why? because they want what you have…they want everything that you have including your goodness & kindness.
Accourding to Steven Hassan cult expert and author of Freedom of mind…anyone & everyone can be sucked into a destructive cult like relationship…ie domestic abusive relationship or a gang, drug cartel, cult, sex trafficking environment etc. These are all the same evil people that do these evil things!!
In Steven Hassan’s book Freedom of mind (do a search on Lovefraud top right for more info) he states that the most likely time that someone will end up in a cult or domestic abusive relationship is when the person just experienced a life change such as:
divorce, death in the family, change in school, new job, move to a new city etc.
Why this time? because your guard is down and these evil people can spot someone in a vulnerable state from a mile a way….like a shark in the ocean can smell blood these sociopath do the same.
It is estimated that 1 in 25 people are sociopaths & psychopaths on this plant!!! YES 1 in 25 people mainly men!!! SO INCREDIBLY SCARY!! They are every where blending in as rich, poor, blue or white collard workers…from school teachers, to CEO’s.
1 in 5 people (75% men) have narcissistic personality disorder. Throw in all the other personality disorders you MUST be on guard in this dangerous world!!
Add these two categories together & 6 in 25 people fall into the abuser category!!
Every class room you sat in had 6 abusers in it. Every time you go to a party statistically there are sociopaths in the room!!!
On you tube you can listen to the audio version of The sociopath next door by Harvard Professor Dr Martha Stout (just beware that it may trigger you so if it’s too much dont listen to it now maybe down the road at another time).
Sociopaths use mind control just like a cult leader does…brain washing, trance, hypnosis, gas lighting abuse, reward & punishment, install fear & phobias into their target victims love bombing (google & do a search on love fraud for this term) minds, pathological lying, manipulation the list goes on & on…it’s all psychology text book behavior…and the crazy part is they all seem to do the basic same things to control their victims.
It’s such a CRAZY world we live in!!! Experts believe that we have a sociopath in our circle of friends & family so look out for them too!! or at the work place!!
I know that your body & mind are working thru all of your pain…it’s interesting how the body & mind releases this type trauma…it’s scary to feel all of the emotions that are percolating up now…but let them out of your body its part of the healing process. Counseling helps & so does writing in a journal & asking questions here at love fraud or just venting here when you feel your emotional pain. Dont hold in your emotions. Donna Anderson has written on this subject so you can do a search on this subject too.
WE HEAR YOU, WE BELIEVE YOU & WE ARE HERE FOR YOU!! â¤ï¸
Thank you Jan7. My head knows how horrible this person is. My heart still says. Is he really that bad??Could I have been so deeply in love with a monster and not know it??? Now i read everything that I can on this subject….But i am still hurt. Why does he just get to leave me as if i was nothing, walk away to someone else that he is spending the holidays with and he tells me he never loved me and all im left with is trying to pick up the pieces of my life and he doesn’t even give me a second thought.
Your welcome mzpris15!
It takes time for your mind to realize that YES he was evil!!
Be patient with yourself…your mind & body will sort out everything.
Make a list of the mean, manipulative, cunning, lying, abusive things he has done to you. If you want to post them here for others to comment on you can do that. it really does help to realize that he was abusing you.
You are a good person so you naturally want to see the good in others. But the reality is on this planet there are pure evil people who want to destroy good people. This is reality. We see it in the news but never had a name to go with that person…we would just say to ourselves “who does that?!?!” now we know who does these evil acts against others = sociopaths & psychopath & narcissist!!!
Chances are you saw RED FLAGS with this guy the second you met him! But like all of us we either ignored the red flags they were giving off and/or we chose to be polite and not call them out on their bad behavior in the beginning.
We are taught to “get along with others”….this works great with good people but when dealing with a sociopath, they will use this as a manipulation tactic.
DID you see RED FLAGS with him the second you met him and after??
Ask this question everyday & write all your answers down on a piece of paper…you will see that you ignored a lot and he was also spinning your head away from what you were seeing.
Remember the old saying “actions speak louder then words”? well his actions did not match his words did they??
My ex h was masterful at spinning my head away from my gut reaction… he’s is a master manipulator with EVERYONE!! But everyone including my self did not know how to call hm out because it was all so crazy & not normal we honestly did not know how to react. We were in shock then he would use his words to divert our attention or use gas lighting abuse to make us believe what we saw was no the truth that his words were the truth.
He leaves because he has a new target that excites him but guess what she too will be treated the same EXACT way you were treated once he has her looked he will break her down emotionally & mentally. They do the same pattern with every vicim because it works every time.
His brain literally does not work in the emotional region…so him walking away is nothing to him because he feels nothing for ANYONE. No true feelings for his family , friend, girlfriend, pets etc.
Sociopaths brains are literally wired differently this is actually true scientific studies.
His true purpose is to have POWER & CONTROL over everyone!!
POWER & CONTROL IS WHAT ALL SOCIOPATHS WANT!!
They also want to emotionally & mentally break their victims down.
WHY?
To have full control over the victim = power to them!
I know hon it hurts like hell…HUGS TO YOU 🙁
But I can tell you the best thing I ever did after 12 years of marriage (and hating every second of it & not wanting to date him, live with him or marry him) was packing my car & getting the hell away from him!!
Once I was told by my counselor that I was married to a sociopath…that was it…I was DONE with my marriage. I had the answer to my prays…my marriage would never work out because he was pure pure evil.
It’s not easy to see this truth. But the more you read especially when you are sad, angry, crying, cant get out of bed the more you open up your mind to the truth and the “TRUTH WILL SET YOU FREE”!!! (old saying is true!!
On my darkest nights I would wake up crying in my sleep (crazy) I would get out of bed and look at LOvefraud & read. It helped to settle my mind & wake me up to the reality…that yes…I was marriage to a “really bad guy.
Yes, your guy is that BAD. How do I know this? Because you went on line & researched his traits this lead you to love fraud.
If you want to share some of your story please feel free. Everyone does. But if you are not ready then you dont have to. For me once I did others posted their stories that were similar to mind and things started to really connect the dots for me. What I learned is these sociopaths do the same thing…so crazy…like evil robots. Yes some of the stories are so incredibly heart wrenching and way beyond anything I could every imagine.
PLEASE BEWARE…socioapths leave the door open to return. The fact that he broke you down was intentional…YES…he did this to keep the door open.
IF he left you strong you would move on to someone else…but with you broken down he can come back in your life to destroy you more & use you. This is what sociopaths do!!
They never fully close the door. They want a back up plan incase their current supply see their mask drop & kicks him out of their life.
This is why it is important right now to education yourself on his sociopathic tactics and open your mind to the truth:
HE IS PURE EVIL & WILL ONLY BREAK YOU DOWN FURTHER if you let him back in your life.
Your local abuse center has free counseling & free women group meeting that will help you. Dont be embarrassed or ashamed to go. DO THIS FOR YOU!! It really is a life saver.
Google:
Domestic abuse POWER & CONTROL WHEEL….read up on how he was intently creating a emotional & mental roller coaster ride for you.
HUGE HUGS TO YOU TONIGHT. 💜💜💜
Take care.
mzpris15, google “Oprah Gavin debecker you tube” to watch their interview on listening to your gut.
What did your gut say to you the second you meet your ex & throughout your relationshiop with him?
My first reaction to my ex was “he was a tornado” second time I meet him “he was crazy not in a good way either”…throughout the marriage I would tell myself “I need to get away from him”. These were my RED FLAGS I ignored!
What where your RED FLAGS & the red flags with his behavior??
You saw the truth from day one about him…open your mind up again & think about the RED FLAGS he gave off & your gut gave off.
Book to read: Gift of Fear by Gavin Debecker (your local library may have it USA)
All I can say is Wow to your post! I am getting through the very last break up because of love of family and friends. If not for them sticking by me I may have gone completely out of my mind. There were times I thought I would die of a heart attack or a stroke because of how he would unnerve me with his antics. There were times I would look at him and believe he was the devil himself.
I have one loose end in this relationship and it is his daughter in law. She began to cry when I told her that I probably needed to break away from her as well. I have bought her children Christmas gifts and I struggle now whether or not to give them or return them. This family has gained a lot from me already. I believe she is the master manipulator as she has been in the mix of it all. She got insulted when I told her that I at times thought she was a liar. I know she was playing me. I explained to her that her mother in law was also not a very good person. She argued if I knew her I would know she was a good person. I told her she is the grandmother to your children and she lived with them for seven years so of course she thinks she is a good person.
This woman allows her husband to sleep with another woman (there have been numerous I learned) in 15 years since they have come here from Bosnia. They are here because of political asylum and fear for their lives because I learned (another lie) that he was muslim. He is not practicing muslim. the mother of his children was Catholic and so the children were considered Catholic so after living common law 25 years they married and fled. When he said he was in the war in Bosnia and knowing the history I was totally confused because the Christians were effecting the genocide against the Muslims. This is where he is so stupid I suppose he did not realize I might figure that one out. I asked him many times what side was he fighting on? Finally he said Muslim. I said I thought you said you were Catholic? No answer.
Although he has left messages in the blocked area of my phone I listened to them. Again he wants to blame me for the break up, when in fact it was I who blocked him. Then he left a series of directives because I sent his wife a picture of me and my daughter and said this is just one of my daughters and I have two more beautiful daughters along with seven grandchildren. I have a family and what you allowed your husband to do for the many years you are here makes you just as evil as him. I told her she is probably the mastermind behind it all. I had to get my last dig in. It was for my own therapy. Then I text his ex, who it appears she wants him back as they were together for 7 years, information on sociopathic behavior and try to knock some sense into that woman. I don’t care if he goes back with any of them but this woman looks like she has been rung out and left to dry. The messages she left me are so pathetic and I wish someone gets to her. I said show my messages to someone who loves you and they will tell you the truth about this man and perhaps you can spare yourself more heartache. Again, the social worker in me trying to do good even though this woman has said some horrible things about me.
The daughter in law called me yesterday. She spoke of him and the family and I told her I was not interested in hearing anything about them, nor do I ever want to speak of them. She said, “I know you still love him” and I said, sorry I do not and after the con he tried to pull on me two weeks ago, my eyes are wide open. I said I have been in touch with professionals and they are going to help me get through this. The money I exhausted will be reclaimed just by me having nothing to do with him. It seems the conversation was no longer exciting for her with the exception that I told her the messages I left him because I knew he had just started work and could not answer. I knew I could get my last words in as he had called me at 6:05 am with all his directives about leaving his wife alone, his family and he ex. I left a series of messages saying if you don’t want me to bother your wife, family or ex-girlfriend then stop calling. if you call me one more time, I will record it and play it for each of them. I told him to go to hell and drop dead, something I hate to say to anyone. But this I pray is the last time I hear from him.
He has done some really despicable things in the last two months I have learned. I cannot go to certain places with my friends because I am so ashamed I was ever with him and what a fool I looked like. I told him if he ever comes near me again I will call the police and say he threatened my life. I know he is afraid of the law so I feel secure he won’t pull the crap he has in the past. There is one place my friends and I go to that the manager told me if he ever comes in he will escort him out and tell him to stay out. I also believe he knows I mean business this time.
I will give it a week and if I don’t get anymore calls I will keep my phone numbers the way they are. If not I will change them both.
I believe I am on the road to recovery. I feel weak and drained, but I know this too will pass. It has been a rough last few weeks. Taking care of my Mother is draining in itself.
This site has saved me in many ways and I am so grateful to you all for sharing your stories and helping me to know I am not crazy.
Happy Holidays!
It sounds like if you are going to be successful in maintaining no contact with the spath and his disordered family members, it would be best not to send the gifts. You might consider what the consequences might be if you give the gifts vs. if you don’t give them.
It sounds like you have a plan to make no contact work; and that you are doing a good job taking care of yourself.
I keep coming back here because i can’t talk to anyone that i know about this. 😞 I hear why aren’t you over this jerk again then i don’t know what I’m going to do… I’ve been thinking and thinking about what made him laser un in me in the beginning. As i look back it was 10 years since my daughter had been killed in a car accident. That’s what made me a good mark….I should of known he was a person without empathy or a soul when he never said one thing about it. Nothing. No questions just acted like it didn’t happen even though u mentioned it and it upset me…The prior boyfriend he was so compassionate. He sent flowers to her grave. He bought me a bracelet with her name on it, it was Hope and he even found a couple of things when he went out of town that i had mentioned in passing that I wanted to make sure i was happy….how can I be jealous if this new person he’s with??? I know they are going to spend Christmas together and what an I gping to do??? I am going to work!!!! Why be off with no one to spend it with??? Why do I feel this way??? I got a promotion yesterday out of the blue with a big raise and i don’t even care. I don’t have anyone to share this with….he didn’t love me but i didntbknow this…we shared everything. Everything. Now no one to call…je was so good at making me believe him. My world is just spinning. Now I just dont know who to turn to and I just can’t find my way and i cant stop crying…😞😞
If it makes you feel better, I made numerous attempts to ignore this crazy man. He always wangled his way back in. I have him blocked on my home phone and cell phone. The cell phone has a flaw, the voicemails go into a blocked region of the phone. Therefore I can listen or not. Well I listened and let him push my button to call him. This time I used his own tact against him. I would not let him get a word in and his temper was beginning rise. I am still in contact with his daughter in law so I know each lie he is pulling. Without going into detail, he is nothing but a real disgusting human being. He has left messages saying his is going to be true to his wife and Saturday he was out on the prowl. However, he watched me like a hawk and I never looked at him or spoke with him.
He left a series of disgusting messages charging me with just about every disgusting thing a person could do. If I did all he said, I wouldn’t have time for anything else. I know I should just delete them but curiosity gets the “CAT” I listened and the last one struck a nerve. I figure he would be working and would not answer the phone. He did and I explained to him instead of saying all the nasty crap he does about me not only to me but his daughter in law, he should be grateful for living off me for two years, getting him a car (that he stuck me with for payment) and the list goes on. I further reminded him I have a huge job with my mother and he should at least have some understanding. He then turned the conversation toward my mother.
Finally he said he knows I still love him. I said I assure you I have no feelings for you and let us just end this in a nice way. He said he loved me and I said that’s nice good by. He then called at 3:45pm up until 10:00pm and the messages started out nice but then he began again with I am a liar and a few other things. I know I should have just deleted, but I save them for my friends listening enjoyment.
I learned today that his ex before me is busy New Year’s and his wife is working so he is going to be alone. He told his daughter in law he would get back in my good graces and get me to take him out and then break up with me again. Do you see how crazy this man is. He was gas lighting me the entire time we were together and I have so much pressure taking care of my mother that I was losing my mind. He would call all day long and accuse me of all sorts of things. When my friends were on the phone I had to cut them off to talk to him because I was afraid I was going to have to explain what I was doing and most my friends he had a problem with so he would go nuts and fight with me. He had me under some sort of spell. Never in my life have I ever let anyone rule me.
Intellectually, this man doesn’t even reach me by one quarter so how do you think I feel that I allowed this man to use me the way he did. He never had any money in his pocket. How convenient. and no shame letting me pick up the bill and then asking me for money and this fool would give it to him. I felt like I had a child to support and the sad thing was I couldn’t even claim him. I bought him just about everything he needed to look attractive. I fought with him a year ago last August and packed everything up and left it at his house. Now I have another batch of clothes and I am torn with what to do with them. I was going to give them to him but he is not deserving and why should I make him look better for someone else.
I know he loves getting a rise out of me and so he thought he would push me to call him again. I will not.
You will cry but look at all the reasons why you are better off without him. He is not going to make you happy, you are. Remember we have the power to make ourselves happy. Love hath no fury than a woman scorned but we need to be strong. I lost it too many times and this idiot was enjoying it.
Keep strong it gets better.
Big hugs!
Catnoch,
Your experience is similar to mine – I came to see that I could not interact with my ex psychopath without him pushing my buttons, and I came to see that he enjoyed whatever reaction I gave him. The way to really win is to have no contact with them whatsoever. Thank you for going to the trouble to share the details of your experience.
It sounds like your friends date a lot and attach importance to having a partner. You might consider whether you feel that way too, or not. Dating takes time and energy, which you might prefer to spend on taking care of your mom and other activities you’re interested in. In my experience meaningful relationships happen more often and are better when one isn’t looking just to find a partner. Consider spending time interacting with your friends and family, in spiritual practices such as church communities, volunteering, activities you are interested in, or taking educational classes. I find these activities rewarding in many ways, and the relationships I forge are meaningful, whether friendships or dating.
Spaths enjoy pushing their victims’ buttons and eliciting emotions. Since you have shown emotions in the process of trying to get rid of him, he is likely to keep trying to contact you because it’s a game to him. He likely gets more satisfaction from negative emotion (go to hell/drop dead) than he does from positive/happy emotions. If he does succeed in contacting you, consider trying not to show any emotion. Act bored, say very little, no matter what he does to try to push your buttons. He is more likely to leave you alone if you don’t give him any of the feedback he wants.
I know too well he gets a charge from getting me excited and upset and this is why I did it in voice mail rather than speaking because he is so clever he talks over you like you are not even talking. It is the most uncanny thing I have ever encountered.
I cannot have contact or ever see him again. I absolutely despise him and think in time he will realize it.
Happy Holidays!
Thanks for reaching out to me. I know too well his games and I intend to beat him at his for my own satisfaction. He supposedly is trying to get back with is old girlfriend of 7 years. This poor soul doesn’t get it. I sent her so much material to read and it did no good. What worked was photographing his phone calls to me. at least 30 in the last few days. She has now blocked him. For how long who knows. But he is so pissed at me. He insists I will take him back. What a cracked pot.
Catnoch,
Consider that for no contact to fully benefit you, avoiding contact with everything pertaining to him and everyone associated with him. As long as your time, thoughts, actions and other resources are consumed by stuff pertaining to him, he is winning. In my experience the greyrock technique http://www.lovefraud.com/2012/02/10/the-gray-rock-method-of-dealing-with-psychopaths/ and no contact, including no contact with him on FB, https://selfcarehaven.wordpress.com/2014/05/30/the-smart-girls-guide-to-no-contact-and-detaching-from-toxic-relationships/are the only things that ultimately work in the long run.
Hello readers – please do not post your email addresses on Lovefraud. If two of you want to contact each other privately, please send an email to me and I will facilitate exchanging email addresses.
Sorry. will do.
I am pleased to report that there will no longer be any crying in this house!!! This man is crazy and can’t be fixed. As for this new person to hell with her she deserves everything she gets. If you are the kind of a woman that will cheat with a man knowing that he’s been involved with someone for 1 1/2 then you are no better than he is.
As for him ever coming back God help him. He has no idea who he is up against now. He woke up the side that I try not to bring out and haven’t in 30 years…. He needs to call my exhusband. He would be the one running not me!!! As far as I’m concerned with him not acknowledging my daughter’s death it saying she was not important and every mother on the planet wether it be human or animal knows you don’t mess with someone’s child. This year when I mentioned it he did the same thing. It might have taken me a while to fight through the smoke but now I see my way and it’s as a clear as a summer morning……I hope his gut tells him talking to me is a bad idea!!!!
Hurrah!
That is wonderful. You can truly SEE him. Those types cannot change.
Perhaps in time, the new victim will see too. that is all anyone can hope for.
A big thanks to everyone on this site that helps others…you know who you are.
I particularly want to mention Jan7…she goes above and beyond all the time and cares so much.
Cheers to you all!!
Bev, thank you for your kind words! I want to express the same to you…you are always providing such good insight & advise to all that come here to seek the truth along with of course Donna Anderson.
Like I away state these evil sociopaths of the world never counted on the fact all their victims would get together to educate each other & lift each other up.
Cheers right back at ya!!! 😊
Well, Jan7, thank goodness for this site, for you…for all of us helping each other.
Yes, we have come to this place together, against the inhuman.
It is wonderful
Don’t blame the next victim as she is under his spell just as you were. That is their MO. They are like locust and move on to what they think may be more exciting. Usually their sexual appetite causes them to stray or leave. They need stimulation in many ways. I learned one way they move on is if they find they are not getting the reaction they are looking for.
My sp was looking for a three way and kept begging me to find another women to bring in bed and he would only watch. First of all that is not my thing. I know this is a fantasy for probably 90% of men. But normal people never act on it. Can you imagine this sociopath getting his wish and afterward he would probably accuse me of loving the other person more than him. I read somewhere to talk about it and be playful about it, so I did. You can’t do that with a sp. He was relentless and asked me continuously when it was going to happen and I would say oh for your birthday or another holiday. I knew this would string him along.
Although my friends were not happy with my relationship with him they would tell me to take what I need and learn how to deal with him. I tried but he was way too much work.
He has not called all week and this is because I told him I would record it and send it to his girlfriend and wife. Therefore, never call again if you don’t want “big trouble.” He would always say I caused him “big trouble.” Another lie.
In his last message he said leave me alone, leave my wife alone and he ex alone. Also leave my daughter in law alone. I am pleased to leave them all alone as long as he leaves me alone. So far so good. They hate getting exposed and anything he does, I will expose him so they see him for the liar he is. I played back the previous messages he left give me a weeks ultimatum in taking him back to his daughter in law. She called him on it and he said he just wants to play with me. She told him “you are not normal” why don’t you leave that woman alone? She has now told me many things she has experienced through the years being married to her husband. It appears her husband is the only stable one out of his family. He has held the same job for 15 years. I learned my ex sp did not work for the first three years of their marriage and finally got a job when the daughter in law told him why should everyone else work and not him. He was able. The youngest son lived away from the house but he too worked on and off and used women. The wife worked and has the same job for 10 years.
She has filled in most of the details and although I was often upset for hearing what she had to say, it helped me to really get away from him. Whether she was playing me for her mother in law’s sake or not, it was enough to make me start making a move away from him. The wife was fine until I believe he was considering leaving her for good. That is when things began really unraveling. I felt it like a tidal wave.
Enough is enough. Was a great song by Donna Summers.
No More Tears
Barbra Streisand, Donna Summer
It’s raining, it’s pouring
My lovelife is boring me to tears, after all these years
No sunshine, no moonlight, no stardust, no sign of romance
We don’t stand a chance
I’ve always dreamed I found the perfect lover
But he turned out to be like every other man
Our love, our love
Raining (raining)
Pouring (pouring)
There’s nothing left for us here
And we won’t waist another tear
If you’ve had enough, don’t put up with his stuff, don’t you do it
If you’ve had your fill, get the check pay the bill, you can do it
Tell him to just get out,
Nothing left to talk about
Pack his raincoat show him out
Just look him in the eye and simply shout:
Enough is enough
I can’t go on, I can’t go on no more no
Enough is enough
I want him out, I want him out that door now
Thanks for sharing No More Tears; it’s a good description of what it feels like when a spath victim wakes up and knows she’s done.
Consider leaving your ex spath and everyone and everything connected with him alone, regardless of what he does. Any response from you, like outing him or the like, would be a win for him in his view. Spaths have a way of twisting every action so that it ends up harming the victim in some way. Usually the best thing for yourself is to avoid any contact and give him no response if he gets through to you and tries to push your buttons. Spaths want to win by causing others stress, pain and suffering. Victims win by denying them access to us. In my experience, it worked best for me to let karma take care of avenging me. It takes patience, but it also took a lot of stress and energy draining effort off me, freeing my resources for meaningful interactions with good people. Spaths want to waste and destroy all our time and resources.
Hi mzpris15,
(((LOOK OUT WORLD THE POWERFUL WOMAN IN MZPRIS15 HAS AWAKEN!!!!)))
Congratulations hon, you now see the truth in this world!!!
Thru all the hell you have been thru with this evil sociopath man, you have been handed one of the keys of life = the truth about the evilness in this world. You know now to be extremely careful with who you let into your inner circle…you know now to follow your gut instinct the second you meet someone…and you know now to never put up with someone who disrespects you or your family. You know now that it is ok to speak your mind respectfully to others & to follow the No Contact rule anytime you see fit.
YOU ARE STRONG!!
YOU ARE POWERFUL!!
Congratulations on opening your mind to the truth of this evil sociopath that was in your life!! You have just kicked him out of your life FOREVER!! Great place to be!!!
As for the other woman…catnoch is correct she too is a vicim of this evil sociopath’s con game just like you were. The first affair I caught my ex h in he blamed the other woman…he manipulated me to blame her too…but she was also sucked into his con game along with the 5 women that I caught my then h with…they were the very reason I escaped the hell he had me living in daily. Just like this woman…she is the reason why you know now the truth about this evil sociopath. but most importantly you have your FREEDOM now!
Mzpris15, again I am truly sorry for the loss of your daughter. I just cant even imagine the shock that happened that day and the pain that still is in your heart this day. it brings tears to my eyes that you had such heartache & then to get sucked into this evil sociopaths con game.. Hugs to you. I apologies I cant find the right words to comfort you but I want you to know that you have been in my thoughts & prayers since yesterday when I read you sad post.
Wishing you all the best the rest of this year & for 2017!! I see good things happening for you now that you have awoken your mind!! Keep posting here to vent or talk.
Hugs to you!! â¤ï¸
Jan7
You are so right about this man. I should have listened to my gut on our second date, I was no match for someone like him. He is a pro at this. I remember telling my best friend that he is the devil wrapped up in this beautiful package. That is probably what got me. How could someone some gorgeous be so evil. He wolud compliant me and tell how beautiful ans sexy and amazing i was. It’s not that i have low self esteem on how i look. He wasn’t more attractive than me but I am 10 years older than him and it had been so long since someone loved me that much. I knew he was a bad person and i tried to walk away so many times but he wouldnt let me…we had been talking about getting married (or more so he had) because i wouldn’t live with him if i wasn’t married. He asked me several times and i always said no. We went to dinner one night and he asked me if i saw the jewelry bag on the floor by my stuff when i came in. I said no. We’ll look at it when we get home. We go home he gave me the bag and went into the kitchen. There was a ring box inside. When i took it out all i could think was please dont be an engagement ring…..it took me forever to open that box. He kept saying did you open it….I was thinking how do I say no….I should have left then but he just drawing me back in…..I feel so stupid for not leaving…I knew it he was evil and bad…I always follow my gut. A grown, college educated woman…At least I don’t have to worry about the no contact rule. He blocked my number so i doubt I will ever hear from him again…..thank you for letting me talk this out
mzpris15, my ex h did the same. Right from the get go he pushed my boundaries…it was uncomfortable but I had never experienced that with anyone & I was the type to avoid arguments.
I had zero interested in him…he called my house phone 8 times a day leaving messages even thought I was at work. When I got home I ignored all his calls & thought it was weird…thinking why would someone leave so many messages. But this is how they get their foot in the door (love bombing). Endless calls & showing up at my door with out letting me know.
He mad me uncomfortable. He was a friend of a friend. So I didnt want to be rude. UHHH if I could go back in time 🙂 wishful thinking. Anyway. We all see the RED FLAGS with them. But we are taught from little kids to be “nice” “play nice”. NEVER AGAIN.
I read a study that within 3 seconds humans can determine if someone is trustworthy or not. 3 seconds!! This is our gut reaction immediately knowing the truth.
My ex h’s friends were all getting married. I had no interested in marrying him or even dating him. But again he was masterful at manipulating me & everyone. He pushed me to dating him, to moving in with him…like you it was against my principles but he aways got his way with pity me manipulation. When his friends were getting engaged I ignored his talks about “marriage” literally ignored them. Then he got his friends to talk to me about it…how crazy is that. Then he asked me at a party with all his friends around. I was literally in shock & did not know what to say. I did not tell him anything. I was embarrassed. GUT alarm going off!!
He had no ring nothing was planned…like everything he did it was all just a con game to him. Suck in his friends & me.
When I told him that I did not want to get married for at least two years he said he wanted to get married that summer (6 months away) I said no…guess what he manipulated me once again. Even when planning things out he got his way with everything except my dress. At the wedding I was just numb. The first red flag that he was cheating on me was just before our wedding and he invited the girl to our wedding.
The only thing I can tell you is I WASTED over 12 years….and it was an absolute nightmare hellish 12 years…gas lighting, mind games, all kinds of abuse, dealing with cheating, his lying, his manipulation etc etc. And the divorce the bottom of hell…thats when you see every evil thing that the are truly capable of. I literally saw him trance or hypnosis people in the court….but only after asking my counselor if he was hypnotizing me and reading the book my counselor gave me called “Women who love psychopath” by Sandra Brown did I conned the dots in detail of what he was doing.
That’s when you truly have a awaking to the fact they are PURE EVIL and like you stated :
“he is the devil wrapped up in this beautiful package”
(although was never attacked to my ex)
I too followed my gut…and this time I let it down…like I stated before Steven Hassan domestic abuse & cult expert states in his book Freedom of mind…that ANYONE & EVERYONE can be sucked into a abusive relationship if they had some type of life change…ie divorce, relationship breakup, move, new job, change in schools, empty nest etc etc.
Did you have a life change during the time you met him?
for me I had just moved 1000 miles away from my home for a new job. I was lonely just wanted friends, wasn’t looking to date. Like you college educated.
YES YOU NEED TO WORRY THAT HE WILL CONTACT YOU AGAIN!! Sociopaths always always boomerang back into a past target’s life when their current supply sees their mask drop and they see the truth that they too are dealing with the devil.
SO TAKE THIS TIME TO REALLY EDUCATE YOURSELF & IMPOSE THE NO CONTACT RULE (google) ON HIM RIGHT NOW!!!
Slam the door on him now.!!!
Your welcome. I too have been exactly where you are now…confused, mentally exhausted, physically exhausted, emotional over load etc. And so many people lifted me up & let me vent & ask question.
One thing I aways say is” All of these sociopath never counted on all of the victims getting together & lifting each other up!!
Take care 💜