By | November 21, 2015 25 Comments

10 rules for keeping psychopaths and Cluster Bs out of your life

Stop_sign.svg copy_300x300Editor’s note: The Lovefraud reader “Jay Anthony” posted the following as a comment on November 10. It is reproduced as an article so that readers who may have missed it can benefit from Jay Anthony’s insight.

Highly sensitive individuals are certainly going to suffer from shock, among other deep emotional symptoms, after dealing with a psychopath.

I was raised in a highly dysfunctional Italian family so the ability to rebound has helped tremendously in adult life. My childhood was a sink or swim situation of whose lessons I’ve carried into adulthood. This has made it much easier to overcome the experiences I’ve personally had with psychopaths/sociopaths (and there has been more than one).

Because let’s face it, my family suffered from nearly every Cluster B personality disorder known to man. There was without a doubt psychopathy in the family as well. Surviving that with one’s mind left intact deserves an award of some kind lol.

I would like to share with those here some information that I’ve gathered over the years in coping with these types of people. Experience is extremely important and I have it in this case (too much of it, really).

I would be honored if you would allow me to share some of this information out of care and concern for my fellow human beings. I believe it’s imperative that we stick together. We are survivors, after all.

1. It is important that we build a strong resistance to the plague that is the psychopath and cluster B individual. However, giving them such a powerful label isn’t the way to go in my opinion. In reality, they are just another human being with vulnerabilities.

They are not all powerful, god-like beings completely impenetrable and untouchable. No, not even close.

I learned very young how to allow insanity to roll off of my back. This is a learn-able trait and can save you months even years! of heartache. The thing to tell yourself frequently and this is a mantra, by the way:

“It’s their problem, period. This does not mean I’m broken, undesirable or hopeless. This simply means I must watch my back because human predators do, in fact, exist.”

2. If they didn’t love you, they didn’t love you. There is absolutely nothing you can do about that. You MUST love yourself first and foremost. Once you sincerely love yourself, being a victim of these types of people becomes less and less. Why? because you’re not an ideal target any longer. They love vulnerability, shame based mentalities, self doubt and low self esteem in general. They require these characteristics to be alive and kicking within their victims.

”˜Faking it to make it’ doesn’t cut it in these scenarios. Those four issues put a large and highly visible target on your back.

Also, psychopaths will take those adults who hopelessly crave and literally thrive on attention (similar to needy children) and bury those individuals alive. They realize what a phenomenally vulnerable trait this is, and they exploit the living hell out of it.

3. You must learn to become consciously aware of what you truly feel as a human being: what you feel about yourself, about others, about the world in general. If you are not a mindful person overall, you are a psychopath’s dream victim!

You must know yourself deeply and be willing to stand up for YOUrself no matter what. Psychopaths want an easy target not a self aware, assertive, perceptive and emotionally strong individual. You MUST become a self aware, assertive, perceptive and emotionally strong individual.

4. The signs ARE there. You must pay close attention, listen with your gut (not just your ears), intuition is your friend.

Ask questions ALWAYS. If you’re receiving lame brained, oddly eccentric, neurotic or strange answers in general, red flag!

So your mother, father and siblings didn’t offer you enough love? That means you allow just anyone to schmooze their way into your life? No, absolutely not.

5. New love interests asking to: borrow things like money, your vehicle etc., asking to use your hard earned resources in any way, asking to use your hard earned network of people, asking to take care of you. Really? I’ve just met this person! No, absolutely not. Your standards for those you allow into your life must be high. Morally, emotionally, and spiritually. Anything less is unacceptable.

If they seem like an odd duck in these areas, Beware! Hold yourself accountable for who you allow into your life and why.

6. They have it all. They want to take you around the world baby! They want to take care of you in only the very best of ways. They want to change your life for the better sweetheart. Really? You’ve only just met this person two weeks ago. Who are they? What causes you to fall so easily? This is not your family, this is some stranger who ignited neurons in your brain. Mindfulness! Self Control! Imperative.

7. Body language. Even the very best of psychopaths are off just a bit. Pay close attention. Learn it, live it, abide by it! I’m not kidding, this can literally save your life. Body language.

8. Perfection. Really? Red flags to the moon and back. Nobody is perfect, nobody. Those attempting to be or attempting to convince you that they are should be labeled as emotionally suspicious immediately.

He/She rarely if ever makes mistakes. Seems too good to be true. Seems to consistently know exactly what to say, when and how to say it and to most everyone. Does not take kindly to mistakes being made by others.

Not good not good at all!

Healthy people are imperfect. Healthy people have others who they innocently or purposely at times rub the wrong way. Healthy people are not supposed “masters of the universe” and they do not expect others to believe that they are. Healthy people don’t require sycophants, followers and flocks of any kind. Healthy people don’t require that absolutely everyone trust them. That’s obscene. That’s sick.

Imperfect, self aware, capable of taking NO for an answer and often, sincerely apologetic when necessary and genuinely humble is perfection in this case. Can psychopaths fake these traits? Of course they can! Not for very long.

Moving in with, marrying or having children with someone you’ve only just met or you’ve only just begun to get to know? Are you insane? It was nearly 4 years before I married and attempted to have children with my first wife. We were together for 20 years after that. Healthy people have some patience.

9. You’re afraid to say NO? Expect to be exploited. You should consider saying NO from the very beginning. The sooner you do the better off you are. Say NO early and often enough to a psychopath and they’ll drop you like a hot rock!

I’m not suggesting that you say NO to things that you feel otherwise about. I’m suggesting NO be in your vocabulary and frequently enough to test your potential partner very early on. Anything less can be dangerous.

10. We helped create this! Our cultural beliefs helped create this epidemic. Sincere Love and healthy discipline absolutely is where it’s at. Until we get back there somehow expect things to become worse.

These suggestions are not a cure all, however, they can help quite a bit.

Much Love to all of you,

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This is such an extraordinarily EXCEPTIONAL piece!!! I have become much tougher…there is one such being who has ridden the back of my son-in-law into my life and I have now eliminated that presence… This individual plays the victim, uses pity party techniques, and abuses anyone in his path…he plays the “I am a disabled vet” card…and it is all the more distasteful because he failed to make it out of boot camp.

I am sharing because now I find I must deal with a volcanic anger when in the vicinity of this person – and this includes hearing of my loved ones’ upsets with the man….and to be honest, it is from the culmination of experiences with my ex-spouse and his clan using all the same performance guidelines to do the very same things as this person. I permitted myself to be used for meals, cleaning, and general BS and now see it continuing with my daughter and son-in-law. For me, I realize I cannot allow myself to become engulfed in the drama. But, I still must handle the onslaught of anger at my own negativity. It surprises me as I have to right my life and once again look at my beliefs. I no longer believe there is good in everyone…and part of me is saddened by this.

I would so love to see articles on helping people like me…I probably sound bitter. I don’t feel so, but I would like to know how others have dealt with the anger after being used, abused, and discarded by a psychopath…in my case, my ex-spouse and his taker clan.

This article is a wonderful reminder that these beings are out and about and one must be ever vigilant. It took almost seven years to get my finances under control…times with no food…using food stamps for a short time…and the utter anguish over my own naivete.

What comes as a surprise to me is that I can have such seismic reactions after going along with a now-good life for long stretches. Thank you for this piece. Well done…well written.

Jay Anthony


I think it’s common to have moments of anger even after living a healthy life for years. Being exploited by multiple people who suffer from these types of illnesses takes a toll.

The one thing I can say is remember to be easy on yourself. Some of that anger is usually directed toward ourselves for allowing this to take place however the truth is we were learning.

As human beings sometimes we’re forced to learn the hard way. Or we’re simply forced to endure hardship. Victims of circumstance.

Be glad you made it out alive! Some people learn the hard way or endure hardship and they don’t survive.

The more I learned to love myself in a healthy fashion the less anger I felt. The anger transformed into a form of empathy that didn’t exactly excuse their behavior yet it gave me some insight into what it must feel like to actually be one of them.

No thanks! I’ll take having been their victim over actually being one of them any day of the week!

You Becky possess the ability to recover, to heal, to find sincere love and happiness, to move on with your life in healthy and positive ways if you so choose. You possess the ability to actually feel beautiful, warm and deep emotions they will never feel.

These people are stuck in a dark one dimensional world. They do not possess the ability to promote, appreciate or feel such things. In other words you are much, much better off than they could ever imagine being in this sense!

It’s sort of like realizing a wild predatory animal at the zoo will never experience the beautiful things healthy human minds can and do create. They will live their entire lives missing out on such wonderful things.

Therefore when all is said and done … you win.

You are blessed in ways these people will never be. Run with it and don’t look back.

Thank you for the kind words.


Oh, darling Jay, thank you for sharing your knowledge. I should most definitely share my story with Donna. And I will when I am healthier. Briefly, however, I moved away from my hometown as I needed a change of scenery. I was a thousand miles away from my family, alone in a new environment. I fell in love with a charming fellow and I was over the moon, until I began to observe behavior that had me completely perplexed. I, being a smart gal and a problem solver, investigated the behavior and subsequently found he was a sociopath. In my undoing, I confided in a friend, baring my weakness. Trying to get over my sociopath, I began dating him. He turned out to be a severe narcissist. Needless to say, I was spun. I was so tired of trying to figure out what made them tick, so I started to investigate what made me tick.
The first thing I did was come home to my family. I went to the hospital. I then began therapy with an amazing woman, who has led me to the understanding that my father is a narcissist and in the aforementioned two antisocials, I was trying to repair that relationship. I asked my therapist why I kept attracting cluster B’s and how could I prevent this in the future. She is helping me so much, and I am at the anger stage of the grief process, beginning to hate these types of people. Again, when I am healthier, I want to share my knowledge. It is what we must do. Your knowledge is totally necessary and sharing it will help hundreds.
I’m sharing your post on Twitter and Pintrest to my followers who have suffered my pain.
And thank you Donna. I can’t express how much your blog has helped me move through my recovery.
Much love to all your readers and authors.
(Erica is a pseudonym, but I am proud to have come out on the other side. I am DEE!)

Jay Anthony


I’m so happy to hear this. Thank you for sharing the post with others. As stated before I believe ,as survivors, we must stick together and share the information we’ve gathered others. I sincerely feel it is our duty to do such.

Reading what you’ve experienced it sounds like you are well on your way to healing and understanding these types of people to a degree that can save you (and others) much heartache in the future.

I’m wishing you the very best!


Thanks, Jay!


I have a question as opposed to a comment and I think this might be an appropriate place to post since it deals with creating boundaries with SPATH’s and self-protection. If I am irrelevant please forgive me.

I need some legal analysis. A former love-interest psychopath contacted me recently with a request to remove a negative online post that I did not post. Over a year ago I did have a post on CHEATERVILLE which I removed once he found it and began threatening me. My motivation in posting FACTUAL information on Cheaterville was to protect other women. Once he discovered the Cheaterville post he had made numerous implied threats to publish personal, intimate communication we had shared to discredit me professionally through either directly posting himself, or having “9-10 guys unleashed” and post on his behalf. I have never seen this man or any of his associates in a professional capacity. In fact, he has never even set foot in my office building.

Even though I am NOT the poster of the online review on BAD BOY REPORTS and have honestly denied the authorship, I do not know if he believes my reply: “NOT MY POST.” Whoever posted this has copied my previous narrative from the Cheaterville post so I suspect he does not believe me since even though those are my former words, this is not my post. Given that past behavior is the best predictor of future behavior I am concerned that he will take some action against me. He will not hire a third party service or lawyer to do this on his behalf.

I attempted to get a restraining order against him and even though I could meet the legal standard for “harassment” I could not satisfy the standard for “imminent harm.” Can someone give me some legal guidance or advice for how to protect myself? If he attempts to sue me for the post the burden of proof is on him to prove I posted it and he cannot do so. Do I just remain passive and wait until he possibly does something then re-attempt an HRO? Any guidance you can give/share would be immensely appreciated.

Vicki Kuper

The psychopath I dated has carried out 2 lawsuits against me in civil court as an act of revenge when I ended the relationship. Therefore, I have more experience with this than I care to have.

Your reply of ‘not my post’ was perfect. You didn’t let him pull you into his games and were to the point. If it were me, I’d stop at that for now. Once he sees that the game won’t work he could give up.

You have the fact that you didn’t post on the Bad Boy Reports web site on your side. If you didn’t do it, you didn’t do it. If a judge receives no proof, he more than likely won’t win.

If he is delusional enough to think he has a chance, as in my case, there’s nothing you can do to stop him from filing suit against you. My advice is to let him be the a##hole. Don’t give him anything he can use against you and you should prevail. Eventually the courts do see through their delusions. In court he has to prove his claim and if it’s not true there will be holes all over his story and a clear lack of proof.

People really shouldn’t throw around threats of lawsuits like he is doing. What they usually find out is that the only real winners are the attorneys. Once a lawsuit is in the works it can cost hundreds, even thousands of dollars in attorney’s fees by the time it’s over.

In my situation he lost both civil cases. Since he filed a mechanic’s lien against my home in the second case and it was a fraud, I was awarded almost $15,000 in restitution. He continues his games with the court in an attempt to pay me a minimal amount…$25/month. It isn’t working and if he doesn’t start paying me more he will go to jail. I think he now regrets filing suit against me since he failed miserably.

Hope Springs

That really is delicious!

Backfire! Serves the p***k right.

Cheers to you lAfraud!! 🙂


PS> Just to further contextualize, he had threatened to post personal information on Angie’s List, or Google Reviews. These are sites used to rate and critique one’s experience with a business person or group. But he was threatening to disclose communication we had exchanged via emails on a personal level to discredit my professional role or capacity on sites that review services and goods. He seemingly cannot distinguish among the boundary between me as a woman and me as a professional, or just does not care and wants to cause wreckless harm in retaliation. I truly believe he is psychopath.


Thanks, Jay,
I too was raised by Italian Nationals with Narcissistic, bipolar mother and and sociopath sister.
Is this a cultural thing?
I am with a Borderline/Narcissist/Paranoid right now. Sicilian decent. Abuse is very similar.

Jay Anthony


Yes, I believe that it’s a cultural issue to a large degree. However, I also believe a portion of it is genetic.

My family of Sicilian/Italian decent are exactly like you’ve described him to be and then some.

I’ve heard stories of somewhat functional Sicilian/Italian families yet I’ve never actually seen or experienced one personally.

However, I’d imagine there must be plenty of them out there.

Take the time to read in detail about Roman/Italian/Sicilian history. It speaks volumes! That’s about the only thing I can think to chalk it up to.

The symptoms are so unbelievably similar amongst the different families that again I can’t help but think a portion of it is genetic.

You Infinity wrote: “Thanks Jay”
You’re welcome and thank you too!



Our Italian side has a cluster of dysfunction, psychopaths. The worst, a female, also bipolar, has made victims coast to coast. I had not been aware of her as our family, wise, moved 2000 miles from them. She made her way west and she helped others part with their money, lied, scammed and physically assaulted others. I called her son to get her…and had her leave. Her rage was very damaging…she ranted about the family being cursed. No, she is the curse..and her terminally no backbone mother and chief enabler. After she left, the town actually had a victim/survivor meeting…and some of us have remained close. Psychopaths, con artists…she actually conned people out of 1500.00 each for her “diamond dig” years ago. She conned and charmed her way out of law enforcement investigations, too. She conned or tried to con UPS, moving companies, the Mormon Church, attorneys, cops, investors and goes on tv (she lied about losing a grand piano on her move back to the midwest…then she and her mother went on tv trasing the compant to one of those local cosumer investigative news shows). If lying were an art, she’d rival a master. She lies when the truth would serve her better. Her newest angle is writing her home town paper in the midwest articles dripping with gooey lies to lure seniors…and got herself in with the community senior center. She lived out west for nearly six years without working a real job we found out…she got bankrolled by a trust…she elbowed her way into…not sure how much she got…her aunt was only able to confirm plane tickets to Vegas and money for an “eye doctor in Vegas as she was going blind”. She used her feined illness stuff on everyone and sued doctors and clinics which she did not win her aunt said. Victims said that when they put up boundaries, she attacked by spreading slander and more vicious lies accusing of sexual misconduct, drug use, or even of sexual persuasions and threatened them with the mafia. She gets into swatting, too. Truly no boundaries. So be warned about the charming “so nice” lady who is so social, friends with the stars, and loves to go out for meals for which you’ll end up paying for….say, “feet don’t fail me now” and run quickly. The ten rules apply..start off with NO. Stay with NO. Don’t be lured with friendly gifts of chocolate or flowers. Don’t believe the charming success stories and give $ because the bank messed up or her Swiss account is a pain to get transfers from… If it sounds off a bit, it is! Good Luck. Be strong.



Regarding No. #4 and #5 (I am lame brained, oddly eccentric, neurotic and/or strange) but I happen to be lovable…and funny.

Some of us can be those things…and still be loving and kind people. Hey…great post, though…

You really care about people and we thank you for your wisdom.

Jay Anthony


I agree with your statement 100%. I probably should have made that clear. Thank you for pointing that out!




Great read!

Thank you for that!

Jay Anthony


You’re welcome and thank you too.

I hope it helps!




I haven’t posted here for quite a few years but I logged in to say how much I enjoyed your article. I love your list of ten rules.

I come from a highly dysfunctional family too. Father was murdered, mother was bipolar with extreme narcissism, sister was a very vindictive sociopath with paranoid personality; both very cruel people who took joy in the pain of others.

Married as a teen to a psychopath, had three children in 3 years before I was 21, and stayed with him for 26 long torturous years. (”still have nightmares most nights about him.) Got the courage to leave him when my kids were grown and started a new life at 43; afraid of everyone and everything.

Made the mistake of not realizing that until I got my head right I would most likely attract the same type person”.which I did. I’m 57 now, and my husband is verbally abusive and an alcoholic, but at least he doesn’t beat me. Sigh.

I’ve been trying to learn about setting boundaries with others. I’ve also been learning to say no and, all in all, just trying to change the dynamic in my relationships. No one is happy about that though and there is major resistance on all fronts. Everyone seems happiest if I just take their abuse and smile.

I’ve come to realize (recognize) that my children have turned out exactly like my ex-husband (..and mom, and”) I’ve reached the point where I’m backing away from everyone because they’re all SO toxic! This breaks my heart but at what point can I finally love myself enough to say no more? To be surrounded by so many family members young and old who manipulate with ease, show cruelty to the nth degree, have no ability to ever say they’re sorry; the list goes on and on. I feel like the dog who gets kicked a thousand times and keeps coming back for more.

I’m so depressed that I settled for so little in my life. I dream of moving away and living on my own, and just having peace and happiness. I’m even saving money because deep down inside I would love to do this.

Is there any advice you can give me?


Earlier this year I moved from a depressing part of town to less than a block walk to the park, that has a petting zoo to boot! One can see the park from the balconies here. With the move not only did I rid myself of old household items holding bad memories, but also anyone toxic had to go. Took my cat and only that which creates a smile inside.

Am incredulous at how quickly the void gets filled by the source. Not only the material but also people rush in to fill that void. It was trial and error yet being extra careful of what I let in, I got it right this time. I did not replace any furniture with ‘make do for now’ (no matter how good the deal) and ditto for people. This place is too nice was my thinking at the time. Relationships with the special people from my old life have become sweeter because toxicity is no longer there to detract. My well-being the same.

Upon waking my day starts with gratitude, which I never imagined could be possible. Never ever knew what that really means. Think I can honestly say for the first time I am happy. Took 61 years to get here.

We cannot change others. We can change our surroundings, hence ourselves. Therefore we must purge. Purge is extremely difficult but what other options do we have?


Dear Canuck,

Thank you for taking the time to write to me with your very wise words. I love how you found a place that nurtures your soul. I also love how you made the decision to cast out the negative and bad things in your life.

I wonder sometimes if that’s part of my problem. Did I not raise the bar high enough for what I would or wouldn’t allow from others? I like how you raised the bar on all aspects of your life. That just feels so right…

I used to have joy. No matter what you’d do to me I’d still find something every day to be grateful for. I viewed life as, “..if you take away all the bad things that have happened, well then it’s been a wonderful life.”

Too much has happened in the last few years though. I can’t seem to recover. I think deep down I’m depressed because I know what I want and to do that will mean I will hurt others. So I stay unhappy, like a martyr without a cause; the ultimate people pleaser. I think part of my depression is that I’m angry at myself. I haven’t been a good protector of ‘ME’.

So true that you can’t change others. I’ve definitely learned that lesson. I really like what you say about changing our surroundings, hence ourselves. About four years ago I left my second husband and lived on my own for the first time in my life. It was wonderful, exhilarating, fulfilling and absolutely the best time of my life.

Due to deaths in the family leaving me a mess, in a weak moment, I moved back to him last year and have been depressed since then. Where I’m at feels SO wrong; like I’m not supposed to be here and that I’ve made a horribly wrong decision.

I’ve been afraid at 57 that I’m getting too old to start a new life; that I should just stay put and try to find the joy again. Hearing that you’re 61 makes me feel hopeful. I’m going to keep saving money and dream until I can make it a reality.

Thank you very much,

Dear Nancy,remember how you left him? How powerful is that?! You are stronger than you think you are and that’s because of the negative feedback you’re most likely receiving from your APD. I divorced a beautiful man. He never abused me, but he did cheat and I left because I was too in love to stay. Obviously more in love than he. When I started over, after 5 years of healing,I found myself in two concurrent relationships at 47. Both men were personality disordered. I remembered how much strength it took me to leave my husband and I pulled from that and left them both. I returned to my hometown and sought assistance from social services, who helped me with my insurance and even helped me with HUD. Do as much research as you can regarding an escape plan, and Nancy, don’t worry right now about hurting others; take care of you. You CAN do this and you have our community to talk to. We are all here for one another.
Blessed be, darling.
Much love,


Dear Dee,

Thank you for pointing that out! You’re absolutely right. I need to call up the strength I had before. You really made me think back to that time. That was a time of a lot of epiphanies about my choices in life and where they had led me. It was what gave me the courage to leave. Wow. I had almost forgotten how hard that was and how I struggled with the decision to leave.

This IS a great community of survivors. I’ve been visiting and recommending for years. It was such a surprise back then to discover there were other people like myself. That it wasn’t that I was just some messed up individual; but a person, like so many others, who was living in a nightmare or had finally escaped one. That other people had families as toxic as mine or who had met evil face to face.

Thank you again for your help and advice. Many blessings to you too. 🙂



Dear missourijewel,

Hope is the first step. So glad you have taken that.

When I was overwhelmed my 60 felt very old. Freedom from the ignorant has brought soul expansion. One can have the wonder of a child and appreciate nature… to love and laugh again never feels old. My health has improved and I feel ageless.

Yes it feels selfish to raise that bar for oneself, yet when I raised it for my new place raising it for self followed more easily.

Hurting those who have hurt you is not selish. It’s survival. Nobody respects a martyr without a cause. People make it very difficult when we start to take care of ourselves and that is what I found to be the hardest part of purging. They do not accept the new you so one must let them go. You know all that from the wonderful exhilarating & most wonderful time of your life where you only had to answer to yourself.

We all have weak moments and when your gut is telling you it is wrong please do not let 57 hold you back. Being unhappy ages one very quickly. So glad you are setting things in motion to a free and happy life.

Am really glad was able to confirm that which you already know. Sounds like you just need that push to make you realize you are not going to miss being depressed. Sounds like you are talking yourself into leaving.

I am very comfortable with my own company (living alone) so do not know how you would fare in that respect but otherwise missourijewel what are you waiting for?


Dear missourijewel,

You are most welcomed and then I got on my high horse. Shall get off the soap box and share a video with you missourijewel. Hope it helps…


Dear Canuck,
That was such a great video, thank you! I’ve spent the last few days watching Melanie Tonia Evan’s video’s. So helpful. I love her perspective of why we attract people like this.
Thank you again.
I work every day so if I don’t respond for a day or two, that’s why. 🙂

Hope everyone has a great weekend,

Jay Anthony


You are a strong person please remember that. What you’ve survived up until this very day (and beginning in childhood) is incredible!

Be proud of yourself for having survived all of this.

I want to give you advice however I am not a professional. It would make me extremely happy if you would consider talking to someone who is proficient in helping women in your situation.

I think you deserve it. I think you are worth it as a human being. I hope you feel the same way. Afterall you are here for a reason. There is purpose to all of this.

From what I’m reading it seems like you may be ready to take this to the next level. Am I wrong? I know there are plenty of people here including myself who would gladly support you in making that decision.

There are some wonderful therapists and organizations out there who can truly help women in your position. They do so daily. They are sincere and genuine people who want to help.

Please remember that you are worth it. I cannot say what the future holds however I do know when we sincerely love and care about ourselves things do change for the better.

So the advice I can give concerning your situation is: Love and care about yourself as best as you can.

Seek assistance if you feel the time is right and continue to do what you’re doing right here on this website and others like it.

I have faith that your solution will come. I believe in you.


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