In response to my blog last week a reader commented: I am a (borderline personality) BPD in love with a sociopath, I want to share the depth of sadness and emptiness that occurs in my soul knowing, I will never know the love and security that regular people have, Imagine how long life would be knowing you are not equipped with the same emotion's as everyone else. I have never understood why there is no compassion for those of us who were abused when we should've bonded. I did not ask to be this way and every day watch and listen to what others do in their relationships so I can do it too ( not that I have been successful , but I try). It is not that I can't love, it's the …
The “Blame” Card
After all these years, I remain struck and fascinated by how readily, abruptly, selfishly and destructively my more narcissistic clients use blame as an interpersonal weapon. This isn't a surprising observation: Don't like what you're hearing (because it's inconvenient)? Blame the messenger. Find an expectation oppressive (because it's inconvenient)? Blame your partner as a nag, a bitch, or as insatiable. Find it inconvenient to admit your deviousness or treachery? Blame the victim of your treachery for driving you into a corner and leaving you no choice (in other words, you betrayed me, before I betrayed you!). For such individuals, blame becomes a reflex. It is often staggering to …
LETTERS TO LOVEFRAUD: I am losing control as a parent
Editor's note: A Lovefraud reader, who uses the name Samantha, has sent the following letter. She's looking for suggestions and feedback. I was married for 12 years to a sociopath who was a minister and had 3 affairs ”¦ it took me that many to finally "get it." We had 2 children who were 6 and 8 when I finally filed for divorce 4 years ago. It's been an ugly 4 years. During that time, I have worked as a teacher part-time making $22,000 a year with no benefits. I have been putting myself through school to get licensed in special ed so I can get into the public schools. I am almost there and got a new job this year. It's not public school and still not any more money, but it's special ed and …
LETTERS TO LOVEFRAUD: I am losing control as a parentRead More
BOOK REVIEW: Emotional Vampires
This book has an appealing title and an appealing theme—comparing people with personality disorders to vampires. But my opinion of Emotional Vampires—Dealing with People Who Drain You Dry, by Albert J. Bernstein, Ph.D., is decidedly mixed. The book gives a brief overview of personality disorders in general, and then discusses five types of problem people—antisocial, histrionic, narcissistic, obsessive-compulsive and paranoid. The author provides checklists to help you identify the problem personalities, and tips on how to deal with them. Dr. Bernstein's writing style is breezy and entertaining, and he uses made-up anecdotes to illustrate his points. To be fair, it seems that the book is …
Empty, bored chameleons
Like many of you, I am very grateful for a few friends who acted as sounding boards as I processed my experience with a sociopath. The best talks have been with my exercise partner who is also a former Federal agent. About 2 years ago on one of our walks we discussed what it must be like to be inside the skin of a sociopath. Both of us tried to imagine what their inner world is like. On that walk we both connected with ourselves and each other in a way we hadn't before. The connection happened as we reflected on what it must be like to live a life without love. I realized that my sense of myself as a continuous person over time is based on the people I love and the values I have a …
Catch and release
Recently Lovefraud heard from a woman whom we'll call Trina. Trina was involved with a sociopath for five years, who abandoned her eight months ago, after wrecking her financially and emotionally. Still, she continued to be in shock, denial and disbelief—until the guy sent her the following poem: Catch and Release Before I pull your hair and leave you for dead I will ravish you not physically, but with words sensuous and firm with sibilance rolling off my chameleon tongue and metaphors byzantine and allusive pitched to that intimate space between your ears. I will watch you wriggle with denial, claw with anger, bargain for release, splash like a drowning animal in h …