Editor’s note: A Lovefraud reader who calls himself “Fly” posted the following comment on August 7, 2015. It is a great description of dysfunctional behavior in a woman, so it is reproduced here in order to help others.
Fly received responses responses to his email from the woman, which are reproduced below. He read the emails but did not respond
I am a 60 year old male who was living with a 50 year old female for three years. I had known her for two years before. I wrote a letter to my Ex-girlfriend a few days after I left. I had said to myself enough is enough after one of her quick insulting outbursts. I packed my belongings, threw them in the car and just walked out of the house never to return. The whole process took about 20 minutes and she just sat at her computer never saying a word as I vacated.
I started doing research online regarding anti-social personality disorders. I wanted to know what had happened to me. I was searching for things to read because I was hurting. I found this website (and I am glad I did) and reading so many posts about recovery from abuse put me in the right direction for healing and recovery. Even though I did not know at the time the exact label to place on her activity I knew in my gut that things were not normal. She was not normal. Our relationship was not normal and getting worse.
I have since learned that I was being abused by a Female Narcissistic Sociopath. I also learned that I should have no contact and keep no contact. This also has helped me with my healing.
Below is the letter I sent to her before I knew who or what I was dealing with
It is probably a good thing that I am going away at this time as things are not working out for you and I. Hopefully, with this absence, we can get a sense of direction. This is very difficult for me because I realize I care too much. I love you too much. Can you believe “care “and “love” can be too much?
I have been living under the impression that we were in a relationship that thrived on open and honest disclosures. This is something that I told you in the very beginning was so refreshing, rewarding, uplifting and beneficial to me. I found peace in being able to talk with you about anything in my life and past.
However, unlike a healthy intimate relationship, you have used my deepest confidences and thoughts against me. Things I have confided in you are thrown in my face when you have an outburst. I have found that I cannot trust you with my heart, so I keep my mouth shut.
It pains me to say, accept, digest and admit that I have come to the realization that I am in an emotionally abusive relationship. I need to be honest with you and myself so I can regain power over my own life, stop the abuse, and begin to heal.
To be frank, I quite often didn’t see your mistreatment of me as abusive. I assumed and believed it was all growing pains of us getting to know each other and learning each other. I have come to realized that I had started developing coping mechanisms of denial and minimizing in order to deal with the stress. The effects of this emotional abuse over time have caused me emotional trauma, including depression and anxiety.
There have been many moments of joy and pleasure in our relationship. I figured, go ahead and enjoy the sex, enjoy the compliments, enjoy the affection and attention. But I found that I had to leave the joy in the moment. I could not assume that because you smiled a minute ago that the smile would be there when I looked again. I need happiness and joy in my life, so I grabbed all I could in the moment. I find myself doing things I don’t wish to do because of your behavior to me if I don’t.
At times I feel guilty and like I have to walk on eggshells just to keep less stress in my life. You have been telling me weekly “this is my house.” “This is my room.” “I need to rent someplace where you won’tdisturb me.” “You talk too loud on thephone.” “The TV is too loud.” “What? Are you bringing clothes into my house?” My presence use to be appreciated now it appears I am an annoyance.
When we started our relationship you were concerned the children wouldn’t care for me. That they would reject me and you did have a desire for us to blend and bond. You have seen the children respect me, carefor me, bond with me, trust me, love me and even stand up to you for your rude behavior to me. You got what you wanted but your jealousy consumes you.
I have been living of late knowing and feeling that most everything I do and say will be wrong. If I am right today, I will most likely be wrong tomorrow. It doesn’t matter what I do, the ridicule will continue.
You “say” how much you love me and care for me and how glad you are that I am there, but it is all just words. Your walk does not match your talk. Such a simple thing as having a clean home for you and your children doesn’t matter to you. You don’t care. You haven’t cared enough to clean things up. You don’t care enough to make adifference for them or me.
I realize that my “Healing” is a process. To that end I have listed and identified the behaviors that I find abusive and are no longer OK with me.
1. You humiliate me and put me down, or make fun of you in front of the children.
2. You regularly demean and disregard my opinions, ideas, suggestions, and needs.
3. You accuse me of being “too sensitive” in order to deflect the abusive remarks.
4. You try to control me and treat me like a child.
5. You correct or chastise me for my behaviour
6. I feel like I need permission to make decisions.
7. I cannot change anything in the house or bring in new things (i.e. furniture, my clothes).
8. You belittle and trivialize me and my accomplishments, likes, hopes and dreams.
9. You try to make me feel as though you are always right, and I am wrong.
10. You regularly give me disapproving or contemptuous looks or body language.
11. You regularly point out my flaws, mistakes, or shortcomings.
12. You accuse and blame me for things you know aren’t true.
13. You are intolerant of any seeming lack of respect.
14. You make excuses for your behaviour, try to blame others, and have difficulty apologizing especially in a timely manner.
15. You blame me for your problems, life difficulties and unhappiness.
16. You give me unpleasant labels and make cutting remark.
17. You get emotionally distant and emotionally unavailable a lot of the time.
18. You disengage and use neglect and abandonment to punish me (like sleeping on the couch or the kids rooms).
19. You don’t seem to notice or care about my feelings.
20. You view me as an extension of your ex-husband, rather than as me the individual.
21. You withhold sex as a way to manipulate, punish and control.
22. You deny your emotionally abusive behaviour when I have brought it to your attention.
23. You use a very unpleasant tone of voice.
24. You are unreasonably jealous.
25. You withdraw your affection and attention to punish me.
26. You make everything my fault.
You have been minimizing, denying, and hiding the abuse. I wish you would own up fully to what you have done and stop making excuses and blaming others. Make amends. Accept responsibility and recognize that your abusive behavior is a choice. Accept the consequences of your actions and behaviors.
You may no longer lash out at me and be rude to me. I will not tolerate it any longer. Life is too short and precious for me to spend it with a person who chooses to hurt me. I am lovable. I deserve respect.
I have noticed a change in my demeanour, appearance, and self-esteem as a result of being in our relationship. I feel as though I cannot do anything right for you. I am finding I no longer do things for myself. It seems I am always doing things for you just to keep things happy and at peace. I feel trapped in the situation. I have told you this before, but it has fallen on deaf ears. I feel disrespected, demeaned and unappreciated.
The bottom line is that I am being treated very poorly now and with each passing day. It is clear this will only continue and it is getting more intense and more frequent. I hate to admit it but I don’t see it getting better I don’t see a future with you.
I am wasting so much of my valuable life with someone who does not respect or cherish me. Love is never supposed to be abusive. Love is not supposed to be hurtful. Love is never controlling. I also realize I cannot change you. I can only change myself. That is what I must do.
It was obvious that you wanted me out of your house because you didn’t want any more of my clothes there. Well, you wanted your house back and my clothes out of your closet. You got it.
It is apparent you do not appreciate my presence. Perhaps you will appreciate my absence.
Here is her first reply
Thank you for writing me and letting me know your feelings. I appreciate you taking the time to let me know the things that have been making you uncomfortable. I will review things more later, but I want you to know that I care about you and love you very much. I am sorry you are hurting. You are lovable and you do deserve respect. You are missed.
I will miss you when you’re gone. I hope we’re able to talk and work through things.
All my love,
Here is the second reply
It was difficult to read some of the things that you wrote in your e-mail to me, but I can accept that you feel that way.
I feel that sometimes you and I have different expectations of what we want from a relationship and that is a source of friction for us.
I love you very much and want to continue to be in your life and have you in my life, but I feel like we don’t know how to do that without hurting each other sometimes.
I don’t want to take a break from you but I do think that this is something that we will need to discuss in order to be able to move forward.
I hope you feel that you can find peace and heal.
You are missed very much.
Here is her third email to me from one week ago
This is not what I want.
I do not know why you thought that we had broken up, but evidently that is what you wanted.
I will honor your wishes, though I do wish for us to be friends. I care about you deeply as a person and hope to continue to enjoy your company.
I do hope that we will continue to talk on the phone and keep up with each other. I hope that when you are back in OUR CITY I can have you over for dinner when I have the kids. They also enjoy your company and would like to see you again.