So you’re wondering if you’re with someone who has a character disorder? Maybe a narcissist? Or a sociopath? If you are, you might often be accused of hurting that poor person. Here are three things you might be blamed for, otherwise known as red flags:
1. A person with a character disorder is not responsible for his or her life. You are. And if you don’t step up to the plate with a full wallet, lots of energy, and a constant smile, then you’re going to hear about it. About how mean you are. Uncaring. Unloving. Unwilling. Even if you’ve been stepping up to the plate with all of the above for years and are simply worn out by your partner’s inability to invest alongside you. Even when you’re fixing their problems or building their dreams.
They’re masters at delegation. Manipulation. Inspiring others to invest in them. But they’ll never give what you’re giving. They’re already scheming up their second plan as you’re spending your life savings on the first. And when you tire of their unwillingness to put anything of their own into the problems they want you to fix, they’ll attack you for being “mean.” When you’re exhausted of pouring yourself into their ideas, they’ll demonize you and detach. You aren’t who they thought you were. You’re selfish. You’re mean. They want to be with someone new and unknowing. Someone who will pour everything they have into the new dream—with a full wallet, lots of energy, and a constant smile.
So stop being mean. Let that poor person go.
2. When you’re in a relationship with someone who has a character disorder, you are likely to reach a point when they suddenly can’t trust you anymore. They’ll call you “sneaky” and “deceitful.” They’ll accuse you of cheating. Betraying them. Doing something surreptitious. Be warned. This is a common sign that they are, indeed, involved in some sort of betrayal. If you’ve done a careful analysis and haven’t cheated or lied or done anything along those lines, and if you’re suddenly accused of unfounded deceitfulness, then the person you’re with is likely projecting on you. That means they’re doing something behind your back and are projecting that behavior on you—saying that you’re the one who’s doing it.
If you’re living the same life you lived when this person was madly in love with you and completely wowed by your “solid values,” then consider their accusations of untrustworthiness and betrayal a giant red flag.
So stop being so surreptitious and tell your partner the truth. That it’s time to move on.
3. If you’re in a relationship with someone who has a character disorder, you’re likely to be accused of holding them back. At some point, you’ll come to be viewed as the chain that keeps them from doing everything. From forming the business of their dreams. From living a life of love and happiness. From being “truly connected” to their partner. They’ll say they want it. They’ll do almost nothing to realize it. But they’ll talk about everything they’re doing and have done all the time to anyone who will listen.
They’ll ignore your “let’s make this happen” pep talks. They’ll fantasize about it all day long—that greener grass. And then they’ll put their laser focus on you as being the one and only reason why they can’t get it. If they’re violent, they may want to beat you. If they’re cold, they may withdraw into an icy silence. If they’re sneaky, they may start messing around on the side. If they’re disordered, they’ll do just about any hurtful thing to you that you can think of. To punish you for holding them back. Even when you’re the one to fund the travel. To fund the business. To pay the rent. They’ll never acknowledge your contributions; instead they’ll get people to feel sorry for them because you “never cared” about their plans. Even when you’ve invested all you have in just about anything they ever asked for.
So stop holding them back. Let that person fly away.
~H.G. Beverly is the author of The Other Side of Charm.
~This post can also be found on hgbeverly.com.
Thank you for posting this. As usual, you are spot on. I have been called all the names, accused of being responsible for his bad behavior ( I “push his buttons”) and the reason why his life didn’t work out the way he dreamed it would. Even years after my divorce, I am still being called “mean,” “sneaky,” deceitful” and so much more. Now he has my child calling me mean too. I was even blamed for his infidelity! When I questioned him about the emails I found, he immediately turned it on me and blamed me for not trusting him, for checking up on him, and for being an insensitive and uncaring wife for questioning him! Later, he after admitting to the cheating, he once again placed the blame on me. He was unhappy, he was at a low point, I needed to be more understanding.
I am reading your book now and so much of your story matches mine. With a trial looming in the near future, I have to say that reading about how the courts, attorneys, and officials have treated you scares me. I pray that one day we can both prevail against the evil.
eggshellsnomore, check out Onemomsbattle.com, facebook page One moms battle and Tina Swiften’s (site creator of One moms’s battle) two books on divorcing a narc (her site or amazon). Her sites/books are dedicated to divorcing a narcissist and court custody issues.
If you dont/do have a facebook page I would suggest that you open a fake email acct then a fake facebook page with that name that way you can chat freely on the fb.
Wishing you all the best with your up coming trail.
These are so spot on, all 3 were present in my relationship. But instead of calling me “mean” he would call me “lazy”. I met every need of his there was, walked on eggshells to anticipate them to avoid fights, so he’d come up with whatever he could that I wasn’t doing for him and say it was because I was lazy. One fight that I didn’t even realize how crazy it was at the time but is such a good example of his sociopathic behavior is that he went into a rage at me one time because I was “lazy” and a “lazy partner”. I worked full time, took 100% care of our infant son when I wasn’t at work (including night feedings), did all chores around the house including grocery shopping and cooking healthy meals – I literally ran on fumes doing it all, so I could not figure out how I was lazy. When pressed for an example to back this up he finally said it was because I hadn’t hung pictures in our new home (that I purchased 100% on my own). He was home all day long and had zero responsibility every evening and weekend, during which time he’d play video games, watch TV, or get high, yet I was lazy for not hanging pictures up around the house (which he never asked me to do in the first place). Because I was so exhausted from trying to do everything I actually felt lazy, so he knew that was better ammo against me than to accuse me of being mean. Sure enough I hung those damn pictures (to prove I truly did love him and wanted to make an effort to be a good partner – barf), and knowing how well it worked I heard it over and over again until the day I left the relationship. I’m a full time successful professional, active single mom (was even before the relationship ended frankly), friend, daughter, niece, sister, aunt – yet I’m lazy. He’s a one man pity party with no responsibility to anyone. Yet I still have to remind myself all the time when I get tired or have to put off a chore or cancel plans with someone that it’s just because I’m human and have a lot on my plate, not because I’m lazy.
I still to this day can not believe how easily manipulated I was by him, and how deep the damage was done.
Marygrace,
I was called lazy all the time too. And just like you, I was a full-time working professional ( the only one working at the time) with an infant child at home. Just like you, I cleaned the house, did the shopping, took care of the baby when I was home, got up at night with him, fed him before leaving for and after returning home from work, bathed him every night and handled all of the bills and finances. He “ran around” all day, sat in front of his computer , went out for lunch and corresponded with sexual encounters ( of the same sex) online while I was working and a nanny (who I was paying) watched our baby. He was fraudulently collecting money from an insurance settlement each month and spent it all on himself and his toys, all while he first blamed me for working too much as a new mother, then not enough when I had trouble with the bills. A good and “normal” mother would never leave a new baby at home so much and go to work. If I didn’t clean the house the way he wanted, or waited an extra day to pick something up or wipe something down, I was lazy. Because I was too worn out to exercise any more, I was fat and lazy. I agreed to start working out with the equipment we had at home, if he would watch the baby for 45 minutes 3-4 days a week. After about 10 minutes, he would bring the baby to me, or start hounding me about when I was going to be done, and when I quit because of these interruptions, I was once again lazy. If I dared mention to him how I felt, and that I needed help or he needed to spend some of “his” money on the family or stay home and help with the baby, then I was mean and demanding- a true bitch. I could never win, and like you I tip-toed around him so as not to cause an argument, I gave in when I knew better just to keep the peace, and I always though if I just worked a little harder, made a little more money, did what he demanded I do, then I was being a good wife and showing him how much I loved him and wanted our relationship to work! Gag me!!!!!! I cringe when I think back to how I was an what I put up with.
I am still thankful for the lapse in control my spath showed when he left me. Of course, it was because I was not following his rules and not taking care of him like I used to before our 3 month old son happened to come into our lives. He never imagined that I would decide that I was actually happy that he left me as opposed to crawling back to him seeking forgiveness!
I was always the one causing him to have to correct my behavior and discipline me. The punishment he was forced to administer to me after ordering a whopper in the incorrect order had him forcing me to eat that whopper through my nose. Our marriage was holding him back from enjoying a full dating life. That he got a 14 year old girl pregnant who now has a girl six months older than my son… that was my fault. My morning sickness repulsed him so he had to have sex elsewhere even though it was in our bed while I was at work with her parents at home in the house next door.
I remember a conversation he had with me where he described in great and well considered detail as to how my behavior would force him to kill me and have to get rid of my body. The details were staggering. Even by CSI standards today, he was willing to go to great lengths to eliminate all traces of me without any repercussions for himself. In fact he complained about how much thought he had to put into his plan because of me.
I loved how he used to accuse me of flirting with and having an affair with the bag boy at the grocery store who I only talked to in order to express an interest in one bagging method over another. I was accused of having a full blown affair with a friend of his – even though it was the ex spath who would pair us together as dive buddies on scuba dives that the ex spath was following us the whole time. At times I wished I was actually doing the things I was being accused of because it sounded like a better life than I was living.
After he left me, he continued to stalk me. I would get his phone messages telling me where I had been all day for no particular reason other than to keep me scared and under his control. I saw him following me one day, so I drove the back way to the local police station. He drove right up to where they take in prisoners where he was welcomed with open arms and hand cuffs for violating a Protective Order.
I’ve been told through the grapevine that even though we have been divorced and no contact for the past 23 years, he continues to blame me for his life’s problems. Whatever, I’ve moved on.
Thankfully, for the past 23 years, I have been busy living my own life and getting over the past so I could be happy now. I wouldn’t trade lives with him for anything! He did email me a couple of years ago wanting to resume contact saying he “thought of our life together fondly.” I chose not to respond and got a new email account. I don’t miss being his punching bag. I don’t miss him at all – took awhile, but I don’t miss him at all. The only thing I want to hear about him is his obituary.
Bets, when I read accounts of relationships on lovefraud, I just have to take a deep breath and shake my head at all the women that have been abused for years and the public has ZERO clue about the evilness these people do to others. This type of abuse has been going on thousands of years and yet new victims are sucked into their con games everyday because there is no public stream line education using the words sociopath, psychopath & narcissism. It’s disappointing that the abuse centers do not have a continual ad campaign on this very subject throughout the year to warn woman…This abuse can be prevented with the proper education (I am so thankful for Donna’s wonderful site for educating me after my counselor told me who my now ex h then h is).
Like all of us we had no clue that 1 in 25 people were sociopaths/psychopaths…wish I did then I would have know my gut reaction was amazingly accurate the min I met people…but like most I felt like I was being to picky about who I let into my circle (i was always very picky but now know that I was right in doing so) and with my ex I let my guard down after moving to a new state for a job and he was a friend of a friend…I ignored my gut reaction on him.
I am truly sorry that you endured so much abuse from this man, it really does hurt my heart to read everyones post but it also is a blessing to know that I have connected to others who have been through the same thing I have and throughly understand the pain that has been inflicted.
Very smart move to drive to the police station – Standing ovation for you!!
“At times I wished I was actually doing the things I was being accused of because it sounded like a better life than I was living”……So TRUE!!
“The only thing I want to hear about him is his obituary”… Then you will have complete peace!
Jan7, I’ve got to say my radar for finding sociopaths and narcissists is much better these days than it was back in the days of my ex. I too let my guard down and ignored my initial warning feelings. I was ripe for the picking and he got me but good.
As bad as the physical abuse became, the lies were the hardest for me to process. I didn’t find out about the 14yr old’s daughter until after my divorce since they moved away before they knew for sure that she was pregnant. When I confronted the ex about the statutory rape of his friend’s child, he gave me the most ridiculous story of how she threw herself at him (knowing the girl – not possible) and I was unavailable because of my pregnancy… funny thing is by then I could count. I wasn’t pregnant at the time he got her pregnant so his whole reasoning about how it was MY fault to begin with was BS. By the end our our relationship I couldn’t say for sure the sky was blue having been told how wrong I was for so long. The constant stream of BS had been a daily thing with him so part of my recovery was wading through all of the lies and recovering my reality. Accepting my fault in accepting his behavior and forgiving myself – that was the hard part. This website and all of the commenters have helped me keep moving forward.
Thanks for the standing O for the police station. That was a moment of inspiration I’m particularly proud of! He never saw that coming!!
I see and hear commercials for acceptance of difference. I know what they mean to do in these campaigns but I am concerned that there is an unintended consequence. I hear my children talking about accepting people who are different – there is no filter to those differences. I see this message overshadowing the No More Silence/No More Violence campaign. How do you alert people to beware of danger when you are supposed to accept and celebrate difference? Sociopaths and narcissists are different too. How about advocating that trusting gut feelings with some people could save lives? It’s just one of those things that bugs me.
Bets, I HATED my ex h’s pathological lying…he would lie about everything…if I made him breakfast he would lie about what he eat for breakfast. I remember the first marriage counselor we went to she asked me what were my biggest issues with my husband…..I told her I hated his constant lying (amount a long list), that lying is my biggest pet peeve and don’t understand why people lie because telling the truth is so easy…her response was “O’boy were going to have a problem” at the time I was so brain washed that I was a robot, zombie stepford wife and did not ask her what she meant. On the way home my husband said that I should not trust the counselor (he repeated this throughout the drive home to brain wash me not to open up with her anymore, and it worked 🙁 I agree that that message is over shadowing violence campaign and I think it benefits the sociopaths as they use it as pity play to suck more people in to their game.
I so agree with you about this new age “accept everyone”…I say NO…there is a reason why you only should follow your gut.
If you google “oprah gavin debecker you tube” you can watch her interview with the author of “Gift of fear”…the clip will reminds us to always always listen to our gut!!
Your welcome for the standing ovation (Still loudly clapping for you btw!!!) you so deserve it…an absolute brillant plan…would loved to have seen a video clip of his face when he realized you out witted him! 🙂
PS your story about your ex sexual encounters/hidden life is just so sick & twisted…they are so crazy…it’s sometimes hard to wrap my head around their double & triple lifestyle and the destruction they leave behind (that poor girl so sad to hear stories like that one)….it’s a crazy, crazy world!!
The part in this post that really caught my attention was “they’re masters at delegation”. My spath is the master of delegation. But even more so than being the master of delegation, the master of TAKING CREDIT FOR EVERYONE ELSES HARD WORK…. At one time (a long time ago) we were both working. We had a joint banking account. But I was apparently the only one who’s paycheck went into that account. It was my hard earned money paying the bills. AND I DIDNT MIND THAT. Because I was trying to build a life together and I looked forward to the future. I WAS SO STUPID. She never put her paycheck in our account. But had No problem spending the money that I put in the account.
When it came to taking the kids to daycare, I didn’t mind taking them everyday. I worked til 6-630 and even though she was home or wherever then, she couldn’t pick up the kids from daycare. She would have her mother or sister pick them up. So after I got off work, I would have to go by her mothers and get the kids. I would come home and she was home, passed out cold on couch. It was obvious she was on drugs or something because she was so out of it, I couldn’t wake her. It was scary. I never knew if I would come home one day and she would be dead.
Her prescription drug use eventually led to the loss of her job. Of course she DID NOT have a problem. It was her boss, he had it out for her. He was a sexist and didn’t respect woman. Even though many woman have worked that same position. She never thought maybe her being late everyday, being unreliable, and even after many chances kept this behavior up, her boss had no choice but to let her go. Or maybe her boss fired her because she was sleeping with a co-worker (I found that out about 2 years after she had been fired, I had no idea at the time, but she continued the affair long after her job termination).
We are now divorced. And she still tries to make me miserable. We have 2 children and so unfortunately I have to have some communication, but I have as little as possible. She text messages me all the time, most of it is BS that is not even true about the children. She IS STILL TAKING CREDIT FOR EVERYONE else Hard Work! If I take one of our children to the doctor, she will tell her mother SHE was the one who had taken the child to the doctor, and I am the sorry dead beat dad who is refusing to pay her back for HER TAKING “our child” to the doctor. And her mother ask how much the dr visit was?!? She makes up a price, then even will say and the prescription cost this. The mother gives her that amount of $!! WHEN SHE NEVER DID ANYTHING. IT IS CRAZY MAKING! The children are on my insurance. I have to take them to the doctor because she has “better” things to do (I assume..)
She never attends any of the children’s soccer games, cheer games, school events. She sends her mother or her crazy aunt. They take pictures and then she gets on twitter and Facebook and post the pictures that her relatives sent to her. And pretends she was there, she is such a good mother, and loves her children more than life itself. It’s frustrating. I use to confront her on it, but i eventually learned confronting her on that and everything else was Not Worth it. It only caused me more conflict. Did I think that she was actually going to admit to me that she is a negligent mother, and incompetent and dysfunctional. Ha. Yeah right! And all I want is to be left alone. Everything she has done and all the lies and money she has stolen from me. I should of pressed charges on her when she got credit cards in my name and ruined my credit. But I was to worried about how my children’s mother going to jail or being arrested would effect them.
Two comments describe my husband perfectly!”Master at delegation” and “if they’re cold they may withdraw into an icy silence”.
My husband would drive me crazy with his OCD….not because he was always wiping things down or straightening them up!No,he expected ME to keep the house perfectly clean…ME…NOT HIM! What’s that…a disordered disorder?!!!!”Oh,and Honey,I need you to go out and clean the car out” (hamburger wrappers,etc…his mess;not mine!)Then there was yard work (I’m tired) and snow to clear off the car (you KNOW I can’t do that!).
My husband knew how important communication is to me;therefore one of his ultimate forms of punishment (FOR WHAT?!!!!) was to turn his head to the wall when I tried to talk to him!But he would talk so sweetly and encourage others!
Now, imagine this kind of character-disordered thinking and treatment directed a child by her own mother. I tried to be the daughter my mother wanted and could be proud of for over 50 years of my life, but finally I just couldn’t take the chronic disapproval/criticism anymore; my physical health was breaking down due to the stress, so I finally gave up and walked away.
I think the surest way one can heal from psychological abuse from a psychopath (or someone on the spectrum of psychopathy, aka the Cluster B disorders) is to detach from the spath as early as possible in the relationship. Endless appeasement, trying harder to be “perfect”, being “pathologically altruistic” (I learned that phrase at “Psychology Today”) etc., are just pointless and only prolong the agony.
If you know of a child who is being psychologically maltreated by a psychopathic (clinical or sub-clinical) parent, please do whatever you can to either rescue the child or at least be in the child’s life so you can provide the child with at least one normal, healthy adult’s attention, approval and encouragement. One caring adult can make a world of difference to a child who is being emotionally starved to death.
“One caring adult can make a world of difference to a child who is being emotionally starved to death.” This is so well said. I’m so sorry what you went through as a child, but appreciate you sharing your experience.
Oh, my goodness! I love this! Thank you for giving that wonderful piece of yourself in humor. I am thrilled and laughed at the look at reality for so many of us who have gone through this experience. Sarcasm can be a great healing tool.
This is brilliant. I’m saving this one. Exactly as mine is. I can’t believe how, when he wants ‘a meeting’ I prepare myself to do the gray rock bit and it all falls apart. After 7 years I still fall for the lies – until I’m alone – then I tell myself off. He got my lifesavings for stupid ‘businesses’ which was a total waste of time and money. He never contributed one penny, never worked, constantly cheated, gave me STDs, blamed me for what he did wrong, told me I was cheating. My eyes didn’t open until more than a year after he left me when my money was gone. Then I suffered pain for another year. Now I just resent the wasted time, losing all my money and his still slandering me. Otherwise, now I can read him like a book. Brilliant article.
Hello, all,
One thing I noticed across all comments is the inability of the sociopath to invest. Meaning that we all gave more than he/she did overall.
But we were tricked by their talk.
For example, we funded trips to San Diego, Colorado, San Francisco, Portland, Seattle, Florida, Arizona, and so on. Our sociopathic partners funded a trip to a cabin one time in the northern part of our state. And all we’ll ever hear about and all we’ll ever talk about is how much love and effort they gave. And how much love and effort we didn’t give. How lonely they were for our love as we worked full days while they chilled in our homes. Lonely and bored.
But that’s their disorder.
Not ours.
And thank God or thank goodness or thank yourself for walking away from someone like that.
I applaud every single commenter here for reaching beyond this kind of exploitive human being.
Keep going.
And best to all of you,
H.G. Beverly
This is really a good article – thank you so much. “The inability of the sociopath to invest” is so true. I’ve heard about his being “lonely and bored” so many times, it’s like a mantra to him. “Lonely for love” while I work full days with him chilling out and messing around at home. It never occurs to them to do something to be a partner, to contribute, to appreciate, to help maintain the home. Nothing but “boredom.” So disordered and so not normal.
He wandered into the room yesterday full of “boredom” and ended up yelling at me that I made him feel “worthless” because I wasn’t ready for sex at that second. ICK. Then he stomped out and 10 minutes later was back to watching TV as if nothing had happened. So ADHD and impulsive and angry most of the time now. I found a bottle of stimulants today while he was out. They are such empty shells aren’t they ? No interests of their own, yet always bored and seeking a high without any ability to make their own lives.
It’s exhausting. Thank you so much for seeing the patterns and helping us all understand a bit more about what we are up against. It’s his disorder – not mine.