UPDATED FOR 2022. Psychopaths will never stop cheating. If you suspect that your partner is disordered, and you’re experiencing any of the following, beware:
Do you have absolute proof that your partner is cheating but he or she denies it?
When you confront your partner about cheating, does he or she say it’s your fault?
Does your partner pick a fight with you, and use the fight as an excuse to storm out of the house and see someone else?
If you answer yes to these questions, you may be involved with a psychopath — for more warning signs, get the exclusive Lovefraud checklist.
If your partner checks a lot of the boxes on the checklist, know this: There’s nothing you can do, or could have ever done, to prevent or stop the cheating — no matter what your partner says.
Here are 4 reasons why psychopaths will never stop cheating.
1. All psychopaths want in life are power, control and sex
Psychopaths are wired differently from the rest of us. If you’re a relatively normal person, you want love in your life. You cherish your important relationships. You want to feel connected to other people.
Psychopaths don’t. They view other people as objects to be manipulated.
Psychopaths are incapable of feeling love, so it means nothing to them. Instead, they derive their satisfaction from power, control and sex.
2. For psychopaths, romantic relationships are the means to an end
Here’s what happens when a psychopath meets you:
- They evaluate you to see if you have anything that they want.
- They figure out your vulnerabilities
- They manipulate your vulnerabilities to get what they want.
Psychopaths look at a romantic partner as someone to supply them with sex, a home, money, an image of respectability — whatever.
They are always looking for new sources of supply, so if they encounter someone who may have something else that they want — well, they just go through the above steps with the new target.
3. Psychopaths view romantic relationships as entertainment
As stated above, psychopaths pursue romantic relationships because they want something. Sometimes, what they want is simply entertainment.
They like being the puppet master — pulling strings to get you to respond. They experience “duping delight” — they get a charge out of pulling one over on you.
So sometimes, they pursue you just to see if they can hook you. When they succeed, game over, and they dump you — with no consideration at all for your feelings.
4. Psychopaths are always looking for a new sexual thrill
Psychopaths have a need for excitement — including sexual excitement. Because they get bored easily, they’re always on the lookout for a new type of sex.
This could mean a new sexual partner. Or, it could mean a new experience — same-sex encounters, pedophilia, bondage, sadomasochism.
You may feel like a psychopath’s interest in sex has waned. It may not be their interest in sex — just sex with you. They’re still looking for someone — or something — new and exciting.
Setting yourself free
Here is the benefit of knowing that your partner is disordered: The knowledge gives you the power to set yourself free.
Despite what the psychopaths say, their behavior is not your fault, and it never was. They are going to cheat, and there is nothing you can do about it.
So do not blame yourself. Do not feel guilty. Don’t feel like you need to honor your commitment to him or her — it was never a mutual commitment.
Give yourself permission to leave, recover and find the loving partner that you truly deserve.
Lovefraud originally posted this article on November 23, 2015.
Why do psychopaths lie?
Donna and all,
Reading this I thought, you know, it really is this simple. They are not more complicated than this, or powerful, or (generally) to be feared. They are simply TOTAL users and abusers. 100%. When they want something they go after it. When they are done they leave. If they stalk, it is because they are not done (wanting power and control).
Every single one of these sorts that I have known has done the classic cycle of first desiring/flattering/mirroring, then devaluing, and then discarding. Some of them have taken years to complete their cycle with me, and some have done it much more quickly. But they have all, despite their personal ‘flare’, done the SAME thing. To the point that they could be the same person for all it’s worth.
With each of them no matter what strategy I employed the outcome was the same. I was dumped. The only one this didn’t happen with was the very last guy I met online. I caught on quick and broke it off. Then he stalked me for 3+ years. He finally wore himself out and appears to have moved on.
Often, and I did this, in the beginning, we have lots of questions. Some of them about the specific person, what they did, what they said, who they knew, etc….We try to make sense of them from the perspective of a NON-disordered person. And, no matter how hard we try to frame it their behavior baffles us and makes little sense. UNTIL we get to the simplicity of WHAT they are. Not who they pretended to be. Not their profession. Not what they TOLD us (lies).
Until we see them stripped down to their basic nature we cannot truly break our emotional bond with the experience. Mostly, I think, because we cannot get to the point of ‘depersonalizing’ it.
But the truth of it is it was not personal. They didn’t do anything they did, to any of us, BECAUSE of who we are as unique individuals. They do what they do because that is who THEY are. They are 100% self-referential.
It was not two people who ‘shared’ an experience. It was us caught in a web of deceit, and them manipulating us until they had gotten whatever it was they wanted.
Thank you for your excellent observations–ALL very true!
Slimone your are definitely on point. It’s like a pseudo relationship it happen to us and with us but they were excluded. I think that’s where we get stuck trying to figure out and reasoning with a person that has the soul of a tree. It’s hard for us to initially comprehend that there are people like this in the world. All the mimic behaviors of love and compassion appeared real is hard to accept it was all a game.
Slimone – Thank you so much for your terrific observations. Your thoughts can assist in the healing of all Lovefraud readers!
I really like this article. I was a victim of a sociopath and it was life changing. The people on this site helped me in so many ways. I feel bad for anyone who is going through a discard. You are not crazy. Its not you. It is the sociopath!
WOW! Is all I can say and this article is so true!!! #4 is dead on! They seem to love the free online dating sites. The one I dealt with certainly did. Had a profile offering to take women out and saying he was single and looking for a SERIOUS relationship. Looking for a serious relationship yet he has a fiance’ AND poor little me who thought I was the one and only. Something tells me we were not the only two and by now he probably has more. I remember he used to mention bondage and threesomes and all I could say was HELL NO! Really upset me and I didn’t understand where or why these conversations came up but now after reading this…I SEE!!!
This article explains so much. The S Path that I was married to for 11 painful years perpetually cheated with multiple women simultaneously. He repeatedly wanted me to do perverted sexual things during the last few years of marriage.
Since I was raised in a conservative mostly church attending family, I had never heard of such things. I was totally shocked and disgusted. Told him ‘Absolutely NOT’ and refused.
I left him and went to a Domestic Violence Shelter. Obtained a restraining order. Went to the Gyn and he ran all STD tests. Thank God, everything came back negative.
Charm4U – What do you count as perverted though? Something that may be a kink to you may be totally norma to someone else.
Perverted = Unnatural and/or Abnormal
Caitlyn – I think what mine did with me was rape in a way. The next morning (I hadn’t said a word) he said “your brother in law accused me of raping women” (my brother in law never ever said that to him). Just a way of bringing the topic up. Another day he asked me to watch the movie Maleficent in specific, the scene where Angelina Jolie’s wings are cut off. He added “mind I didn’t cut off your wings”. This scene represents rape.
On our last conversation on whatsapp I told him how I wouldn’t go to meet someone who talks about rape. His answer: “or threesome, or bondage, or fisting, or gagging”. 10 days before this I had flown to him to visit him (spent my money, my energy, etc). Minutes after I was blocked from whatsapp and Skype because I told him I will not fly to meet beaters (this is another story because during my stay there not only did he “rape” me but also told me next time he would have to beat me….) so yes, I see how this article relates to what I experienced.
One is always fortunate to be ‘blocked’ on any social media, phone, etc by the SP, P, N.
Usually, you can’t get rid of them!
Lucky you!!
Bev – I don’t know if I will ever be able to look at it that way but for now I cannot feel that being blocked and discarded the way I was can ever be a good thing.
I am so sorry. I didn’t mean it that way.
I just meant that it is usually YOU who has to cut off contact with a SP/P/N. They rarely do it themselves.
That is all I meant. It is normally very difficult to get them out of your life.
Cheers, and no offense intended.
It hurts because he used and abused you, and he didn’t care although he faked it. You’ve been betrayed and devalued; because of who and what he is. You don’t deserve to be treated that way because you are a good and a valuable person. He treats everyone the way he treated you if it suits his purpose. It has nothing to do with you.
In the long run, because he will never care about anyone and he will always be a dishonest manipulating sadist, having no contact with him is best for you. Consider that you would have ended contact with him of your own volition eventually.
It always harms the victim to be abused and mistreated. That’s why it’s wrong.
bluedolphin- If the guy sexually assaulted you then why not press charges? I was assaulted by a partner when I was a teenager and I still regret not doing anything about it.
blackcat and AnnettePK – I had flown to his country in August to visit him (we met 3 times in person) and we slept together. I am not even sure or 100% sure it was rape but it felt quite like it, that is what my gut instinct told me. It is difficult to judge because this is not a situation where a stranger assaults you in the street. That day he didn’t seem to be so interested in sex (strange because that is all he wanted from me) and so I asked him kind of asking if he wanted it. He told me that he had started it the night before and that now it was my turn (him not doing much and making it difficult or for me to beg). I didn’t have the confidence because we had only met 3 times in person for short periods of time so I felt uncomfortable. So then, he grabbed me in a kind of rough way and he was hurting me a bit and I asked him to stop. He didn’t stop. I didn’t say a word and it really felt weird. However, the next morning out of the blue he said “your brother in law accused me of raping women” (my brother in law had just called him on one occasion to explain that his behaviour with me was not right but that was all. He never accused him of anything like raping of course). That comment was so very weird and I think it was meant to get me to talk about what had happened the night before or at least to see what I thought so something crossed his mind if only the next morning he brought up the topic of rape when that is exactly what I felt it was. Weeks later it is when he asked me to watch Maleficent, again out of the blue and in specific that scene that represents rape to then tell me “mind I didn’t cut off your wings” (obviously implying he didn’t rape me).
He is in another country. I have no evidence. Only my words against his.
I think I understand what you describe. Your gut feelings and intuition is probably right. He was messing with your head, and you picked up on it. It sounds like you were the one who discarded him, and his response to YOUR discard was to block you. He knew you were figuring out he is not a nice person and he couldn’t exploit you anymore. Sadly he goes on to exploit someone else who’s easier prey.
With respect to rape, no means no. But realistically and practically I understand that taking legal action isn’t feasible given the situation.
P’s hide behind the technology that makes long distance relationships possible, and use long distance situations to manipulate, misuse, betray, etc. their victims.
Sounds like you had a horrific experience; good that you escaped. Have you considered going to the police about the rape? It is an illegal act for which he can be charged, tried and convicted. As a practical matter, it may be difficult to prove and it may not be in your best interest to report it.
Not to minimize the rape you experienced, it made me think of my perception that all ‘sex’ with my ex P was rape in a way, even though we were ‘married.’ Sex with a P is always rape on some level, because it is always under false pretense (false promises, false information, faked commitment, etc.). They may use physical force or more often treachery and lies, as weapons to force victims to have sex, when the victim would not ever agree to sex if she knew the truth.
AnnettePK – I replied above on the same post to blackcat.
Out of curiosity, why the aversion to sexual experimentation? You never know what you’ll enjoy til you try it.
Admittedly, I would’nt try either with a psychopath. But only because of their total lack of disregard for others and their feelings.
The reply was directed as Caitlyn btw, no sure why my comment appeared so far down.
I found mine on a dating site . Yup..he wasted 7 years of my life and cheated and lied the entire time. His karma..he just had a 3rd baby with the 25 year old he cheated on me with! He now has 3 kids by 3 different women..
Once you break free completely. ..its such a relief
Hi Donna, I have been reading your articles for the last one month. It has given me my power back. I know what is Psychopath; and with whom I was living. My wife is leaving soon to another man after destroying me financially and emotionally.
Should I warn the guy? Is it ethical to do so? Or let him find out by himself later? I am feeling that if I do so, I am doing that out of my sense of jealousy or in way, taking my anger and frustration out.
Please comment; I will appreciate a response from you.
Thanks.
Mayeen
Mayeen,
If you can let go and move on I would really suggest that is what you do. If you have no kids, and you are ready to stop having contact with your ex-wife I would do it. She will keep messing with you if you give her even a tiny bit of leeway. It really is best to go completely NO CONTACT, if you can.
Warning the new target could get you into another big drama with your ex, and could make you look like a jealous crazy ex husband. No need for that. You are not crazy. You are devastated and betrayed, but you are not crazy. So, no need to put yourself at risk.
He will get the same treatment as you (the same treatment many of us received), and it will be up to this ‘new’ man to wake up and see what has actually happened to him. Likely he wouldn’t believe you anyway. She is in the process of “love bombing” him, and he is probably a bit spell bound at this point. If he tells her that you warned him, and they stay together, then she can use him in the ‘us against my ex husband’ game, and bind her to him even further (because you will be their common enemy).
Someone tried to warn me and I was so IN LOVE that I totally did not believe a word the person said to me. I wish I had, but I just couldn’t believe them. I told the psychopath boyfriend about what the person said, and that I had told the person to go to hell, and the psychopath told me ‘I have never had someone love me so much, and see who I really am, enough to go to bat for me’.
Which, of course, was a manipulative lie. But it bound us together, because I was ‘the one’ who really understood him. When in reality it was the EXACT opposite. The person understood him, and I was in a dream.
Mayeen,
Sorry you had a relationship with a Psychopath. Sadly, it’s the same one all of us here have experienced, so we really understand.
Even if you warn her new lover, he will NOT believe you–until after he unfortunately goes through the same cycle and heartbreak.
Please break ALL ties (very hard to do I know) and allow yourself to go through the healing process.
This is a fascinating subject. Psycho Boy discarded me nearly 5 years ago. Now it doesn’t really matter that much. I don’t think of him that often anymore. My romantic interests lie elsewhere now, with someone else who is non pathological.
I know that Psycho Boy took up with a rather well-to-do woman with a luxurious home and property while he was still supposedly with me. They’re still going strong as far as I know.
She was the ideal target. Has money, lonely, gullible, naive, overly trusting type but rather homely looking. He was probably the best she could do! I could almost cry for that poor soul.
I know that ultimately she turned over her property and lucrative business to him as co-owner and trustee of all her assets. Lord, I feel so sorry for that poor wretch! I wish her all the best, because she’s a goner for sure! He’s set himself up on Easy Street, with a Golden Parachute.
Nearly 5 years out now, I never cease to wonder about the staying power of that relationship. What’s keeping it going? I do believe that Psycho Boy is a covert narcissistic type. She must be willing to put with all the abuse! That’s all I can figure, but I would welcome other opinions.
I promise you she is miserable. Happiness with a psychopath is not possible. Someday, someway the relationship will end.
Remember that psychopaths are all about image. There is no substance behind the facade. I bet his current partner has given so much because it’s the only way to keep him. No woman would give that much in a healthy relationship. No healthy man would take that much either because a healthy man would feel emasculated in the kind of relationship you described. He probably hooked her with over flattery, telling her things no one ever told her before: how beautiful, sexy, smart, wonderful she is. Then, when the flattery and love bombing stopped ( and she was hopelessly hooked and starving for more) she needed to give him things to keep him. It’s a commodity exchange: her assets for his crumbs.
I feel sorry for her. This will not end well.
One again, I will chime in with…I SECOND THAT!
My SP son already is with his next ‘victim’ before his divorce has even been filed for. all while ‘fighting’ for custody of his two children (which has not an air if true caring, but more to drive his poor ex insane). I’m not so sure that he wasn’t with this new girl a lot sooner than he let on. Like, even before his ex kicked him out. I actually PITY the new girl. I can only hope that she sees through him before too much damage is done to her.
All about image…that’s for sure. He projects an image of almost perfection to the outside world. In talking to his ex now, their life together was a sham. Go figure. I’m positive there is already trouble in paradise with the new girl..;.
Bev – no problem at all. I didn’t get offended at all when you said I was lucky to be blocked. I know exactly what you meant.
It is just such a horrible memory for me, especially because he was making fun of the raping and of me and then when I said I won’t fly to meet beaters he blocked me. So my last conversation with him was horrible. We had only been together 10 days before when I had flown to him so the memories are terrible. I asked for explanations, I begged for a last talk, I sent many messages to him. He never ever replied and he saw I was so badly hurt.
No worries. What happened to you was so awful. You’ve certainly come a long way forward.
I love this website and never want to say anything that may offend. We all need each other and care about each other.
Thank you 🙂
Angel,
It seems pretty simple. She has enough goodies for him to keep the game going. Doesn’t mean she is happy, or getting what she thought she was going to get (a normal relationship). But he must be loving the money and status enough that he is willing to keep lying to her and continue the relationship.
Some of these relationships last decades if the psychopath wants what the other person has, and the other person continues to be pliable enough to manipulate. I have seen these long-term relationships up close (family), and I can tell you it is not ‘happy’, it is like a strange movie, filled with lies and unreality.
There is nothing genuine or secure or fulfilling going on. It is just moving from one ‘scene’ to the next, with the psychopath directing the movie so that they can get the ‘ending’ they want. When the relationships persist they move through the cycle of abuse over and over and over. Practically everyday.
It’s like a wheel within a wheel. There is the big devalue and discard wheel spinning around, and then the little ‘daily’ wheels that spin and confuse and keep the target off balance; so that the bigger ‘prize’ (maybe total financial ruin, romantic betrayal, ruination of a business”some major devastation of the target) is being hatched.
The cycle of abuse is always spinning.
The last psychopath I got tangled up with generally lasted about a month with most women. He spent 9 months working on me because I owned my own home, made 6 figures, and was willing to give him larger sums of money than he had ever been able to ‘score’ before. By the end, and once I told him ‘I am not made of money”and am not buying you another car to total”.so what are we going to do?’, well right after that I was brutally (I mean in a super cruel way, and so unnecessarily) dumped. I was no longer worth the effort, because I had drawn the line, and he wasn’t going to get what he wanted any longer.
The thing that baffled me (well, ONE of the things) was why he had to break it off with such cruelty. But now I know that psychopaths and malignant narcissists do this because they enjoy inflicting emotional pain (it is evidence of their ability to ‘control’ other people). This makes them feel powerful, rather than the emotional losers they really are.
Here’s part of what I think: they are gutless cowards, devoid of any integrity.
They inflict pain because they are psychologically ‘too weak’ (albeit ‘hardwiring’) to feel their own feelings. So, they can get us to express BIG emotions, and that gives them a sense that they are ‘in the game’ of feelings and emotional intelligence. When in actuality, they are the most emotionally stupid people on the planet. They are devoid of emotional intelligence.
Wow, That was well said wasn’t it.
It is sad that they are so emotionally stupid. Just think what they actually ‘miss’ out on.
I still do not feel sorry for them, however, because they create the worst of feelings and damage in others.
Slimone, Thank you for explaining this so clearly!
After being divorced for over 20 years from an abusive man who is a S,P,N–somehow I distortedly still thought there must be something inferior about me and superior about his current wife/victim of 15+ years because they’re still married. Now I see that’s NOT true. Obviously, she gives and he takes enough to stay and keep using her.
BTW, several years ago my daughter who was a teenager told me his wife was almost 10 years older than him. Poor woman was so insecure that she had major plastic surgery. At @45 years old and she had a total facelift, nose job, breast implants and liposuction–all hoping to keep him. That must have been very painful! Glad it wasn’t me.
Charm4u,
Perfect example of how much she was willing to put herself through the wringer to keep him. Likely she is also putting herself, constantly, through the emotional ringer too. Who knows what else she is willing to compromise on.
They are doing their dance, and it must be lucrative (emotionally, financially, for the games, etc…) for him.
Nice photo. Robot fixings where the heart should be.
Psychopath used to look me straight in the eye and calmly say, “There’s nothing going on.” I believe he thought I was stupid or something. He never bargained for the fact that dating him turned me into a brilliant detective. What I discovered was that he wasn’t just cheating with one other woman, he was having sex with everyone and he was a major porn addict too. I just can’t figure out what the end game will be? After having sex with so many other women, men, tranny’s, groups of people, high risk sex in dungeons, what could be next? Psychopath’s can’t ever be satisfied and eventually every new novelty gets old, so then what? Look at poor old Charlie Sheen. He has HIV which has put an abrupt halt on his sexcapades. Is that how it will end for my ex too?
When I confronted the psychopath all he had to say was, “Please dob’t leave. The sex meant nothing.” I believe he was telling the truth. The sex with all of the people did mean nothing to him. Nobody means anything to a psychopath. Leaving him was the best thing I ever did. I didn’t take his cheating personally because I realized that he is incapable of loving anyone. All of his sex partners were people he exploited for his entertainment. They, like me, were just objects to use and then throw away like toys he tired of.
They are INCAPABLE of loving anyone.
That’s it in a nutshell.
No matter what you do, the SP, P, or N will not love you.
Bev, i need to repeat this to myself every minute.
Betsee, i unfortunately can relate to your pain. Even after we broke up he kept saying that i have to know in my heart he never cheated…puke. I too felt like a detective and felt like i was the crazy one.
Bev – I really want to believe this is true (that they are incapable of loving anyone). I want to believe it so much and I just don’t seem to be able to.
That’s because it is incomprehensible to us.
We are able to feel love, so, we assume, that everyone should be able to.
It is hard to believe it, but there is no other explanation for how they can do what they do, how they can hurt others, with impunity.
I struggled with that for a long time, and finally decided that I’m glad I don’t understand them. According to my theology, they won’t be around forever. Love will win. We will win.
Betsee – so true, mine told me he is a sex addict, that nothing satisfies him, that he is but an empty soul, insatiable and that he has been cheating all his life like most people do and that this is nothing extraordinary.
He has a gf (I wasn’t sure about this at the start and thought he made it up). He met her in October 2014 for the 1st time and again in December. By January he flew on short notice, as he called it, to another country for 24 hours to have sex with a stranger. In February, he contacted me for the first time (he literally told me much later that I was another victim) through a travelling site. In March gf goes to visit him to his country and by April he flies to me (I am in a different country from his).
Not only that, he told me about many of the women he slept with (he would tell me by text when I asked where he was) and how he drove 2 hours away towards the east to sleep with one or two hours to the west the previous weekend to sleep with another or that he had 2 blind dates on the same day. He would literally tell me “I was fucking a girl in “name of place” or “I was having sex and that is why I didn’t answer”. Once I created a fake profile pretending to live 2 hours away from him and after chatting for just 1 hour on a weekday he said he could start driving to me to have sex for 1 hour and then drive back again 2 hours. What can I say???
You may have done this already, but you might consider making certain you didn’t pick up an STD from him.
Repeat it. Over and over.
I do.
It works.
🙂
Oh how i pray it does!! I never could have imagined these people exsisted! I just want my heart back. 😢
I know. It’s almost surreal that they do exist.
Oh my!! Now I think I get it. It’s about sex as gratification and as the means of manipulation. In a way, it, the sex, is about performing. The mask of sanity is merely a dance of sorts. You do this, I do that. A game, a fantasy, a mirage. So sad, so sick, so frequent, an addiction. Kalina
Thanks for your insight.
I mistakenly insulted his ‘performance’ when in frustration I said he was a ‘sucky lover’.
Looking back, that point seems to be the beginning of the end which resulted in frequent gaslighting towards final abandonment of me.
It is taking a long time and lots of research for this shock to wear off. Your post helps. Thanks.