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By December 7, 2017 6 Comments Read More →

It’s never a fair fight with a sociopath, and that’s how they want it

Husband Liar Sociopath

Every week, a chapter of  my book,”Husband, Liar, Sociopath: How He Lied, Why I Fell For It & The Painful Lessons Learned” (available via Amazon.com, just click on the title or book cover) will be published here on Lovefraud. To read prior chapters, use the links at the bottom of the post.

I’ve also just released a new ebook titled Narcissists, SOCIOPATHS & Wolves: Lessons From Little Red Riding Hood. (Just click here to find it on Amazon.com Narcissists SOCIOPATHS & Wolves.)

Chapter 56B:  It’s Not Over Until Paul Says It’s Over

A month before Daniel’s half-sister was born, and after a sleepless night at his dad’s, Paul woke Daniel early and demanded he help Paul paint the baby’s room. Daniel refused. Ruth, who was visiting at the time, called Daniel “lazy” for refusing to do so and splashed water in his face to get him out of bed. Daniel’s conflicted feelings about his half-sister were irrelevant. That night, Linda made shrimp for dinner; despite knowing that Daniel is so allergic to shellfish that he could die if he ate even one piece of rice that it touched. Hysterical, Daniel called me to pick him up.

I raced to Paul’s house and found Daniel crying on a bench outside his dad’s front door. On top of everything else, because Daniel called me to come get him and swore at his father in a heated discussion about leaving, Paul confiscated all of Daniel’s electronic games and hardware—Daniel’s only escape, other than karate, from the toxic vortex that had become his world. When I drove down Paul’s long driveway to get Daniel, Paul threatened me with trespassing charges. It was worth it. I had to rescue Daniel.

State laws required Daniel to see his father every other weekend and once during the week. Daniel refused to go back to his father’s house or to see him. Paul called me, furious, demanding that Daniel come back the next weekend. My answer to Paul was simple. “It’s up to Daniel. He says he doesn’t want to see you.” Paul cursed at me, threatening litigation for “parental alienation and custodial interference.” Daniel’s realization about who and what his father really was, as well as the verbally abusive treatment he had received from Paul, had Daniel flirting with serious depression. My child was teetering on a precarious emotional precipice. I needed to get him to safety, not set off a rockslide that might carry him over the edge. I did not care what it cost me; I was not going to be part of putting Daniel back in that poisonous household with Paul. Lawyers called lawyers. Paul took me to court. Legal bills mounted. Psychologists were called in, and when the first psychologist determined that Daniel’s alienation from Paul was due exclusively to Paul’s actions, Paul insisted the first psychologist was a quack and hired his own psychologist to offer a second opinion.

Every member of our family was interviewed multiple times, and the second psychologist reached the same conclusion—Daniel’s anger with Paul and refusal to see him were due to Paul’s decisions and actions. I had not alienated Daniel from Paul. Quite the contrary, I had exhibited considerable restraint under the circumstances. Like the previous psychologist, she recommended that Daniel be able to rebuild his relationship with Paul only if Daniel chose to do so and only on Daniel’s timetable. Unable to get professionals to back up his view, Paul did the next best thing—he went after me. If Daniel would not see Paul, Jessica would not see me.

Paul and Linda gave Jessica an expensive car under the condition that she never use it to see me or to do anything to benefit me or Daniel. Paul sent me a bill for one-half the cost of the car, because, he argued, prior to moving to Utah we had promised Jessica a car when she got her driver’s license. He even involved our lawyers in the absurd request. True to her word, Jessica ceased all communication with me, even on birthdays and holidays. This was particularly poignant, because in the preceding months our relationship had started to thaw. We had met several times for shopping or dinner. I was devastated to lose her all over again.

Night after night, I did not sleep, struggling to let go of wanting a relationship with my daughter and frightened that Paul was keeping me engaged in malicious and punitive legal actions designed to drain me financially and erode me further emotionally. This is what I had made a massive financial tradeoff to avoid, but I had not succeeded. The demands of defending myself legally approached that of a full-time job at times. Paul could not let go of wanting to hurt, of needing to get an almost daily fix of playing Whack-A-Mole with me. He is a sociopath—that is what they do. They are nonpeople, vampires, evil, void, dark. That is their true nature; anything else is just disguise and pretense. Paul was a millionaire now. I was unemployed. Hardly a fair fight, but that was the point. That had always been the point.

 

Start from the beginning:

Chapter 1

Go to previous chapter:

Chapter 56A

Notes

Identifying names, places, events, characteristics, etc. that I discuss here and in my book have been altered to protect the identity of everyone involved.



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6 Comments on "It’s never a fair fight with a sociopath, and that’s how they want it"

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I am so sorry that Onna and her children had to go through all of that. One benefit that I have received personally from following this book since I left in January of this year, is to realize where my spath fits on the scale of things. My stbx has no money so can’t drag me through the courts. In fact, I’m getting an annulment instead of a divorce (long story) mainly because he doesn’t have the money to fight me on that. But also – seeing these interactions and how bad it CAN get and how damaging it CAN be for the children has led me to a policy of treating him with kindness and respect. My family has a difficult time with this policy. They want me to give it to him with both barrels every chance I can get. However, that would accomplish nothing except create more drama with the children caught in the crossfire. To clarify, I’m not letting him walk over me. I hit him with a stick whenever it can be enforced and is useful (i.e. the strongly worded letter from my lawyer saying that if his lawyer doesn’t file a paper with the court in 10 days, we’re going to ask the court to force him to file it and go after him for the legal fees to do so. Ya know, if you’d filed it anytime in the last 3 weeks – my lawyer wouldn’t have had to send that letter.) But the very same day, I spoke to him with a kind and interested and excited tone over his upcoming interviews. (If he gets a job, that benefits the children.) I am treating him with kindness and respect, NOT because he deserves it, but because _I_ deserve it. I need and deserve the “gentle life” that treating him in this manner gives me. And I look at Onna’s Paul and realize HOW BAD IT COULD GET for the children if I try to extract justice from him in this life. I leave that to the Lord. …and I work to make sure he’s not screwing me over legally. But I also have to be realistic about how much I can use the courts (not very much). And that I need to bring all the lawyer involvement to an end as quickly as possible (can’t keep amassing the legal bills) So I have to get what I and the children need with a kindness and respect that is a thin veil to cover my ever-present vigilence to watch for his path-games and refuses to play those games anymore.

I admire how Onna maintained her dignity and continued to treat Paul with respect and kindness. One of my regrets is having allowed my ex psychopath to enrage me to the point of throwing things at him and punching him. Eventually I figured out he was specifically pushing my buttons to get me to act out badly; however I wish I’d maintained my self control. Sometimes my fighting spirit and feistiness serves me well, and sometimes not so much.

I was briefly involved with a psychopath who was a city employee and required to operate under federal guidelines which he violated so I did win no contact with him. It was a prolonged fight but I persisted.

they fight, quarrel, argue DIRTY from the beginning; their ‘illogic’ will always trump YOUR logic. no matter how you present an issue/discussion/statement of fact; they will twist/turn and make it into something against YOU. It wont matter what the issue IS, they will turn it into something awful, evil against YOU.

to regretfullymine: husband is what you call a “right fighter”. I NEVER win. Plus he’s SO good that he twists memories to suit what HE
wants & has been able to convince our girls to AGREE with him that what he said is factual, even though it’s not! If HE’S in a bad place, then EVERYONE is the same! Our fights last literally for DAYS & he never sticks to what the fight was REALLY about, instead it’s an opening to bring up EVERY SINGLE THING I’ve EVER done & hold it over my head or throw it in my face. I haven’t been a saint throughout this marriage, but I don’t have a time machine to change the past! Of course, like the list says, he wasn’t always like this. We’ve been married 20 yrs in Jan & together for 26 yrs in Feb, separated twice & separated again now, even though we’re under the same roof (strictly financial for the girls to have a stable address. Thank you to everyone who has posted here. I’m not the only one living with Dr. Jekyll, never knowing when Mr. Hyde is going to show up & how long he’s gonna stay. Stay safe & God bless.

The fact that it’s a ‘fight’ in the first place indicates it’s not a relationship based on love and on outgoing concern for each other’s well being.

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