Checklists describing the symptoms of sociopaths highlight what they do — lie, blame others, love bomb their romantic targets, pursue sex. But you should also pay attention to negative symptoms — normal human behaviors that sociopaths don’t do.
One behavior that’s a pretty good indicator that you’re dealing with a sociopath is love bombing — the person is showering you with attention and affection, wants to be with you all the time, tells you how wonderful you are.
Sociopaths often, although not always, do this when they’re trying to seduce a romantic partner. They can also use a modified version of the strategy in other types of relationships, such as flattering the boss at work.
Other typical behaviors
Another typical sociopathic behavior is the pity play — trying to make you feel sorry for them. The objective is to get you to do what they want. Sociopaths can use this strategy in many situations— you may see it from your disordered parents and family members as well as partners.
Another sociopathic behavior is aggression. You probably won’t experience this while you’re being reeled in, although you may see it directed towards other people, animals or property.
Read more: What’s a sociopath?
But once sociopaths think they have you under control, you may feel the brunt of verbal or physical violence.
If you see all of these behaviors in one person, you should start evaluating whether he or she is a sociopath.
Negative symptoms
You also pay attention to normal behaviors that you DON’T see. These are called negative symptoms, and they are important red flags.
Following are seven negative symptoms to watch out for.
1. Lack of empathy
One negative symptom that immediately comes to mind is a lack of empathy. The first time you see or experience a profound lack of empathy it can be shocking. You tell a disordered person that something terrible happened and it doesn’t register at all; they just start talking about themselves. You tell them that you’re really sick, or your best friend or your pet or your mother died, and the reaction is a blank stare. They simply don’t know how to respond. Or they say, “They’re gone. Get over it.”
A lack of empathy is one of nine diagnostic criteria for narcissistic personality disorder. As I’ve explained before, I use the word “sociopath” as an umbrella term for the Cluster-B personality disorders, which include narcissistic personality disorder.
Empathy is necessary for any real relationship. If someone has no empathy, there is no real relationship. It’s one person using the other.
2. Lack of remorse
Sociopaths routinely do things that are inappropriate, rude, nasty or even illegal, but when others are hurt, they simply don’t care. They are indifferent to the effects of their behavior on others. Or, they rationalize their behavior, saying something like, “it doesn’t matter” or “everybody does it.” In fact, the only thing sociopaths are sorry about is that they got caught.
A lack of remorse is one of the seven diagnostic criteria for antisocial personality disorder, which is another of the cluster B personality disorders. It is also a symptom of psychopathy, which is a similar condition. I include both antisocial personality disorder and psychopathy under the umbrella of sociopathy.
3. No shame
My good friend and colleague, Dr. Liane Leedom, explains that shame is a moral emotion. She says we experience shame when we discover a defect in ourselves, and expressing shame is a submissive response. It shows others our attempts to conform, improve ourselves, apologize, and make amends.
Shame is not something you’ll see from a sociopath. Typically, they perceive themselves as dominant and deserving of what they want. They also feel entitled to do whatever they want in order to get what they want. If you or anyone else gets steamrolled in the process, well, that’s just too bad.
4. Failure to accept responsibility for their actions
Nothing is ever a sociopath’s fault. Whatever problems they have or trouble they get into, they always have an excuse or someone to blame.
This is especially noticeable when sociopaths talk about their prior relationships. Previous partners are described as cheating gold-diggers who take their money and keep them away from their kids. Oh yeah — and prior love interests are also mentally deranged. Sociopaths never admit to having any responsibility for the breakdown of a relationship, even though they’re probably the ones who were the cheating parasites.
The Psychopathy Checklist-Revised, developed by Dr. Robert Hare, is a 20-item checklist to evaluate an individual’s level of psychopathy. “Failure to accept responsibility for actions” is one of the items on the checklist.
5. Lying by omission
Sociopaths lie. They tell big lies, little lies, stupid lies, outrageous lies. Dr. Liane Leedom says that lying is the cardinal sign that someone is a sociopath. If they’re not lying, they’re not a sociopath.
Sociopaths lie by commission — they say things that are simply not true. But they also lie by omission. Sociopaths fail to tell you things that they should tell you — such as the fact that they are already married.
6. Lack of appropriate emotional reactions
Here’s something that’s related to the sociopath’s lack of empathy, but bigger. When you’re around a sociopath, you may notice that he or she doesn’t seem to know how to respond appropriately to emotional situations.
Psychopaths and antisocials typically experience only a very narrow range of emotions — mostly negative emotions such as anger, rage and jealousy. Narcissists aren’t much better.
So they don’t know how to feel joy at someone’s success or good fortune, or grief at someone’s loss. In fact, sociopaths have been known to look around the room to see how other people are reacting to a situation so they know what to do.
Still, sociopaths can cry at times, and this causes confusion. I once received a letter from a Lovefraud reader who asked, “if a sociopath cries at movies, does it mean he has feelings?”
The answer is no. Many psychopaths and other disordered individuals are great actors and can turn on the tears at will. They learn that they’re supposed to cry at sad movies. So they do. My sociopathic ex-husband once asked me, with a tear sliding down his face, if I wanted him to leave. Unfortunately, I said no. He then continued to swindle me for another year.
7. Inability to authentically love
As I mentioned previously, I use the term “sociopath” as it was originally intended, to describe “anything deviated or pathological in social relations.” I use it as an umbrella term for the Cluster B personality disorders — antisocial, narcissistic, borderline and histrionic personality disorders — plus psychopathy.
Here’s what all of these disorders have in common: The affected individuals do not have the ability to authentically love. Specifically, they cannot care about the health and wellbeing of someone else. They can’t put anyone else before themselves, not even their kids.
You may intuitively sense this. Even though the person is saying all the right things, at least in the beginning, you may feel like there’s no connection, no depth, no core. You are correct. Sociopaths are like empty suits or cardboard cutouts. What’s missing is the ability to love.
Run as fast as you can
So those are seven negative symptoms of sociopaths to watch out for — lack of empathy, lack of remorse, no shame, failure to accept responsibility, lying by omission, lack of appropriate emotional reactions and an inability to love.
If this describes someone you know, your best bet is to run as fast as you can.
Learn more: Free! The Basics – Love Fraud and How to Avoid It
Terrorized by two sociopathic female neighbors