UPDATED FOR 2024. “Best sex ever!” that’s how countless Lovefraud readers have described how sociopaths are hot in bed.
People have told me that they know the sociopath is bad for them, and they need to end their involvement, but they don’t want to give up the sex!
Other people have told me that they’re afraid they’ll never find another partner who is so sexually exciting!
I specifically asked about sex in three Lovefraud surveys. How do people who were in romantic relationships with people whom they now believe to be sociopaths rate the sex?
In the Romantic Partner Survey (2011) 75% reported the sex was extraordinary or satisfying, at least in the beginning.
In the Female Sociopath Survey (2014-15), 84% reported the sex was extraordinary or satisfying, at least in the beginning.
Even in the Senior Sociopath Survey (2016-2017) 60% reported the sex was extraordinary or satisfying, at least in the beginning. And this was sex specifically over the age of 50.
Read more: Sociopaths, sex and power
Why is this? Why are sociopaths so hot in bed? Here are seven reasons:
1. Sociopaths crave stimulation
The desire for excitement and stimulation is an integral part of the disorder. Sex, of course, is one of the most stimulating activities a human being can enjoy. Sociopaths want it. A lot.
2. Sociopaths get a lot of practice
They start young and engage frequently. Precocious sexuality is one of the early behavior problems typical of a sociopath. As they get older, sociopaths continue to engage in frequent, casual sex. Sociopaths have plenty of partners, and plenty of opportunities to learn.
3. High levels of testosterone
All sociopaths, both male and female, have very high levels of testosterone. This is the hormone that makes people compete for partners and then mate with them. So with high testosterone, sociopaths do a lot of competing and mating.
4. Lots of energy
This means endurance. In fact, many sociopaths require very little sleep. So what do they want at night instead of sleep? Sex.
5. No fear or shame
Sociopaths have no fear and no inhibitions. Consequently, they fail to develop guilt, shame, a conscience or a sense of morality. Social proscriptions against particular acts mean nothing to them. They don’t care about the discomfort of their partners either.
6. Sex with anyone
Sociopaths come in many sexual orientations straight, gay, bisexual, and all of the above. Many sociopaths are neither straight nor gay they will have sex with anyone. In some cases, a sociopath’s sexual orientation may be described as “fluid.” With all the experimentation, they learn plenty of new techniques.
7. Sociopaths get bored easily
Sociopaths want sex in a lot of different ways, a lot of different places, and with a lot of different people.
While you are their object of desire, your encounters may seem highly erotic. But sooner or later, the sociopath gets bored. Then, in search of more stimulation, the sociopath may push you to participate in activities that you find uncomfortable.
If you decline, the sociopath will most likely look for new partners especially partners who are willing to go along with his or her desires.
The bottom line
So what does all this mean for sociopaths and sex? They have voracious appetites, they indulge often and anything goes.
But just because there’s sex—even what appears to be wild, passionate sex—doesn’t mean there’s love. Sociopaths may be technically competent lovers, but there will never be any true intimacy or emotional sharing involved.
Learn more: Lovefraud Understanding and Recovery 5-part Masterclass
Lovefraud originally posted this story on Oct. 3, 2016.
LETTERS TO LOVEFRAUD: Female sociopath shares her experience of growing up with one and using what she learned
Yes, this is so true for my last sociopath bf, nicknamed The Psycho. He was extraordinary. I likened it to a Broadway show. However, not no much much with my current sociopath bf, The Nutcase. In fact, it’s awful. Eyes shut, no looking, no touching, no talking, no acknowledgement of any kind. I liken it to an OB-Gyn exam. Boring. He says it’s part of his PUA training to keep it distant and non-intimate. Ineed, I get more socializing during an actual pelvic exam from my Gynecologist. So,perhaps it could be one extreme, or the other.
Well, at least with the Psycho I was having a good time. Now, it’s just a boring chore.
Well, the Nutcase is a true narcissist but only a Borderline (and he does have Borderline Personality Disorder) sociopath. I wonder if this makes a difference? He is diagnosed as having very high testosterone.
I think when I was younger, I equated sex with love. In a rational sense, I knew that just because a man wanted sex, it didn’t mean he loved you. I very much understood that it could just mean he wants sex. What was confusing is, when some great sex is mixed in with love bombing, always wanting to be with you, being charming – it was almost overwhelming. And by that, I mean…. Could anyone love me this much? How could I be so fortunate to have found this. The warm and fuzzy internal thoughts take hold, the spath grooms you and before you know it, you’re hooked. The signs were there for me, I even paid attention – I just didn’t take the signs serious enough. I saw him treat a waiter very poorly. I saw him kick a dog. He threw away a wall hanging of mine. I witnessed him throw his underwear on a high ceiling fan in a hotel room . And let me tell you now the excuses he had (or I had) for each incident. The waiter took TOO long to bring coffee. It was true, he did, and I chalked it up to a bad mood. The dog excuse was justified by him, saying he had been to a trainer before and that the master must establish dominance or the dog will take over. He convinced me that the wall hanging was old, distasteful and would never look good in our apartment. As for the underwear, he said there was nothing else to clean up in the hotel room and that the maid needed to work for something (something to do). Now I see these incidents as VERY telling, but I didn’t know the true depth of potential harm back then. I’ve learned that when a wait staff is treated poorly, they will probably treat you poorly eventually. Patience is important. Mistreating any animal is definitely a sign that they will eventually abuse you. RUN the other way ! No respect for my possessions or belongings eventually means NO respect for me. And his glib way of convincing me I wouldn’t want it anyway – made me feel weak. No matter how I tried to stand up to it, he had a comeback. As for hotel wait staff, again it carries an air of superiority. You work for me type of attitude, that eventually displays itself in your relationship too. I shake my head when I think back. But I got untangled and I learned. I try not to look at it as a lesson I needed to learn, but rather something that just happened in my life.
Now I am attracted to kindness, patience, compassion for the vulnerable or less fortunate, and the man that displays those qualities is even hotter in bed, because he knows love. He is good at love. He’s better at love than he is at sex.
I wish that these article would not fail to include child sexual abuse. My expath was a thrill seeker who engaged in straight sex with nurses and staff in office, gay sex, paying prostitutes on vacation, swinging, voyeurism and tragically sexual abuse of my children. He is a thrill seeker. The therapists of the advocacy center for my children described the behavior as “opportunistic.” Whatever feels go at the moment, goes, with anyone, man, women or child with no respect for the rights or desires of the other person. Also, sociopathic spouses OFTEN withhold sex from their spouses. They prefer deviant sex. They often have the “madonna whore syndrome.” Wives are exploited as the acceptable pretty woman on the arm who is the caregiver and mother but their thrill seeking, no shame character is charged by the “whore” paid or unpaid. Without the ability to bond, lack of empathy and lack of shame, they are capable of sexually abusing children and engaging in incest. Their charm and charisma and ability to flood their spouses with gifts causes the spouse/mother to be unaware of the situation. Everything a sociopath does is presented as a benefit to us. I call it minimally meeting the needs of others to maximally meeting their needs. So a spouse who claims to be sleeping in another room out to keep the wife from hearing snoring seems considerate but the manipulation and calculation is to get alone night after night with the child by sleeping in their room. Please do not overlook how all these reasons are a formula for incest and sexual abuse and also for denying the healthy spouse sexual relations and intimacy. He showered me with gifts and security and met his needs outside of the marital bed with this hot, testosterone, no tolerance to boredom seeking behavior.
Yes I’ve read this in so many articles about sociopaths/narcissists. Surprisingly my ex was terrible in bed. He is most definitely a narcissistic sociopath. He is a convicted felon and spent years in federal prison. And he was psychologically and financially abusive. But I never really liked sex with him because he always dissociated during sex and I felt like as if he was having sex with a doll or a hooker. Just no emotional connection at all and zero regard for my enjoyment. I do miss a lot of his “good” (fake) sides but sex is not one of them.
Sociopaths are often technically proficient and have a lot of stamina, but there is no deep connection with them. And once the novelty has worn off, so does the enthusiasm.