Editor’s note: Joyce M. Short is the author of a just released book, “Carnal Abuse by Deceit.” The book chronicles her life with a predator, the subsequent aftermath and her road to recovery. It also provides advice for victims and their supporters, and discusses the issues surrounding criminalization of rape-by-fraud.
By Joyce M. Short
Wouldn’t it be wonderful if we all had our “ah-hah” moment and could simply turn off the faucet on our feelings? Unfortunately, the chemistry in our brains won’t let us do so. And, instead, we rehash all the upsetting moments thinking about what we “coulda,” “woulda, “ “shoulda,” done. I know I wasted years thinking about how I could change his opinions and get him to see the light. And when the relationship stopped, those ruminations still lingered, even more painfully because they were entirely impossible to reconcile since our split.
Mental energy
What enabled me to stop was the realization that there really was no way to “get through to him” whether we were together or apart, so why waste the mental energy he took up in my brain? The only mental energy he’d invested in our relationship was to hold onto the vessel that had naively accepted his lies and excuses. I refused to be that vessel any longer. The man I’d loved simply didn’t exist and no amount of reasoning would change that.
Brain chemistry
Our brain chemistry makes us cleave to our love interest. Nature put it there to enable us to form a family and nurture our developing children. Psychopaths play with that chemistry to reel us in, and then give us just enough of a fix to mask reality. Because the stirring of brain chemistry takes place with the sound, the smell, the touch, and even the recollection of our lover, it does not disappear just because we know the truth.
We have to work to make it stop. When we reconnect, even in the tiniest way, the chemical stirrings of our brain begin again. And that’s why having NO CONTACT is so important. We need to regain our own chemical balance, free from the tugging and yearning that brain chemistry causes.
Understanding and acceptance
Like all losses, people with failed relationships need to grieve. We need to learn to accept that we engaged in an exchange that was different than what we thought it was. We thought it was love, but our partner was not capable of love. We were used, not because there is something wrong with us, but because there is something wrong with them. They found us because they sensed we have empathy and caring. The next time someone enters our space with affection and kindness, that ignites the spark of our chemistry, we will know to look well beyond their facade because it could simply mask the soul of a predator. We didn’t know that before, but we know that now.
Override Mother Nature
I recognize, from my own experience, the tragic depths of despair that can overwhelm people when they try to break free. None of the hopelessness or depression they feel is abnormal. But it is imperative that they know it will pass, and that they will feel joy in their life once again. What keeps that from happening is the nasty toxic glue in the brain that results from betrayal and causes us to cleave to our lover. We need to override the powerful force of Mother Nature to make ourselves separate and independent again.
Divorcing a Sociopath: Redefining Possessions
Joyce…
Great article…thanks for sharing that. What I find most difficult is thinking that since my spath moved on, how can he be happy with someone else. And quite honestly, he does not deserve happiness at all for what he’s done. Yet, deep down I know they don’t even feel true happiness. I just need to get that through my thick skull.
I have moved on and have become a much stronger and wiser version of me. Life is good. It’s just that bit above that I often wonder about….when it reality, it really doesn’t matter.
As you recall from your own relationship, there’s never going to be a deep, abiding love in the life of a sociopath.
The successful ones will prevail in their displays of affection and suck folks into their cons. Their new victim will feel “loved” until their mask comes off. Depending on the intertwined bonds of dependence that can establish during their relationship, they could take a longer or a shorter time to figure it out.
I’m happy to hear that you’re rising above the unhappiness you experienced.
Joyce
Thank you for this article. I needed to read what it said, I feel so alone right now going through a similar situation.
No Contact is a Must when dealing with a Sociopath. The sociopath wants you to respond. They want that reaction.. Do not give it to them. It can be more difficult when you have small children together. But you have to assume everything the sociopath says is a lie. When you first stop responding to the sociopath, this will make them furious and do anything they can to get your attention. For example: when we stopped responding to the craziness, the sociopath became desperate to get a response and told my husband that their 14 year old daughter found a lump in her breast and she had taken her to dr and it could be cancer, and they were performing surgery in 2 days. That is alarming to hear, and hard to believe someone would tell you that your child may have cancer. Even though we knew she was a pathological liar, it was something that my husband of course was concerned about. He did not know how to ask his teenage daughter about this issue (and the sociopath was betting on this, by making it a “female” issue she knew that he would be uncomfortable to ask his daughter). But he decided to text her and ask “how are you doing? I heard about your dr appt, I will be there to support you”. His daughter replied “what? Doctor?”
She had no idea what he was talking about. We were stunned that his ex wife lied about something like this. But it allowed us to see that she will lie about anything and we don’t put anything past her. At that point my husband completely stopped responding to anything. He only communicate thru the kids. Which they are old enough to at this point. But the older they get the less control the sociopath has over her ex husband and her children and this is driving her crazy. We have learned to ignore everything. Or we try at least
MyTime-
I’m so sorry to hear of the unhappiness you’re feeling. My heart goes out to you. I know what that feels like, and I also know it can and will change.
It can be very hard to get our lives back on track and combat the sense of overwhelming defilement. Keep in mind that something bad happened TO you, it’s not WHO YOU ARE. And with them out of your life, you can reclaim who you want yourself to be.
Wishing you strength and happiness!
Joyce
Thank you for this article, and for the message that the depths of despair are normal and temporary. That was something that seemed impossible when I first left my ex. But time is a great healer and I did rediscover joy in my life.
It is important for everyone here to know that despair is normal, and so is the end of despair and the reemergence of joy. Keep the faith!
I was married for almost 30 years and we have 2 children, so we have occasional contact. Luckily, he lives out of stated and our contact is rarely more than the occasional text. When we have phone or personal contact, I feel the toxicity again. It is so much more obvious now because I know what life is like without it. I feel so fortunate to have gotten away from that toxicity!