Editor’s Note: This letter to Lovefraud was submitted by a Lovefraud reader whom we’ll call “Garth.”
I’ve been in the medical field since 1984. I’ve been a Nurses Aid/private-duty caretaker for a disabled patient since 2009. It took me three years to realize exhibits all the traits of being a sociopath.
I came across your site and plan to get your book. Your site and short videos really helped me see him for who he is. I am still with him but I am no longer stressed about it. I stay my distance and only care for him in short periods through the day. I don’t know how his wife has dealt with him so long.
I feel suckered that my patient seduced me into his illness and plays these emotional games with his wife and I. “Roy”, (a pseudo name I’ll use for him), is a 75% disabled, 80-year-old man that has several health issues.
Here are traits that he has:
1. He tries to control wife, me and others.
2. Roy uses lies, makes threats (verbal and sometimes physical) to get money from his wife to spend on nonsense things. He lies to his doctors.
3. He fakes illness, injury: so he can get what he wants — more medications get attention, get out of home therapy, etc. Sometimes I don’t know if his pain, or his feeling bad, is real.
4. He has to buy something when I take him out for a drive. He has no concept of money but guards and lies about his allowance.
5. He steals small items — magazines, coins, inexpensive gifts.
6. Jekyll and Hyde traits: one minute he will be nice to me, others and turn on a dime if he doesn’t get what he wants in public or at home.
7. He has no friends. He was a police officer, a dentist and been in same town 30 years yet no one visits him
8. Charmer: a good charmer and a flirt. He will charm, hug someone and within 10 minutes has no problem yelling at them.
9. He has periods of lucid conversations.
10. Entitled: he feels entitled to ask, say what he feels at the moment.
11. Fascination with guns.
12. Stories: will tell you a good tale when we all know it’s a lie. When I question him, he gets angry then get quiet, only to recount another story the next day.
13. Harm: he has no shame, conscience that he would harm me, wife etc. I’ve witnessed it several times. I’ve had to call the police to protect myself
14. Lies: great master of deceit. He’s told me countless lies and thinks its normal everyday routine to him.
15. Cannot, and won’t, acknowledge he did something wrong. Has to be prompted, coached to apologize to me.
16. Had traumatic childhood.
17. He denies his abilities: At times, he thinks he can walk long distances. He will put himself in danger if not supervised and gets angry when told reasons why.
18. Illusions of grandeur: he thinks he can become a pilot again, sell real estate, drive a car again, swim in pool.
19. Plays head games with me and laughs at multiple demands he does on me.
20. He will back down with me since I am bigger than he is. But other men, or women, he won’t.
21. History of cheating on his wife and still thinks he’s a lady’s man. He will still attempt to seduce ladies in certain situations.
22. He has threatened me physically. I’ve had to call police. I told him I would have no problems to charge him with assault, battery, take him to court and get punitive damages if repeated. He has backed down so far.
23. He has no scruples, shame and feels entitled to talk, act a certain way.
24. Daughters have been, currently going through therapy.
25. He gets quiet sometimes when angry at me. I let him brood.
26. I feel conned by him. Suckered. Took me three years to really realize his non correctable behavior.
These are my experiences with Roy. It has taken a toll on me. A disabled sociopath will create havoc in his surroundings. I wish sociopathy would be out of the shadows and find its way to medicine, law enforcement, nursing homes, etc., so people can spot one.
Your info really helped me. I wish I could find more resources for caretakers and nurses who have to deal with disabled sociopaths.
Beliefs, love and sociopaths
Garth,
Thanks for posting your story. I, too, dealt with a sociopath that pretended to be disabled. I had to install covert security cameras to prove to the police that I wasn’t harassing a “poor, wheelchair bound elderly woman” and that she was the one bullying and harassing me. She didn’t use a wheelchair until she called police to report me harassing her. The cameras got me off the hook, although police never charged her for making fake 911 calls.
There are a lot of decent covert body worn covert cameras you can get on Amazon or Brickhouse Security. Many are under $100. A camera never sleeps and a camera never lies. Protect yourself and be safe around Roy.
Garth,
I was my husband’s caregiver until I was finally able to get away!I can not imagine either why Roy’s wife stays;although it could be for either financial reasons or because of fear/brainwashing.
For Roy to continue to threaten you and feel like a “lady’s man” at his age;he’s certainly very determined…perhaps even suffering some with dementia.My husband wouldn’t keep his Dr appts nor follow orders.If he did keep appts,he wasn’t forthcoming with necessary information.Thus it is that these patients end up harming themselves in the end!I believe (insult added to injury,or vice versa!)my husband was suffering with dementia when I left him!
I agree that medical staff need to be trained about sociopaths!My life was made worse by the fact that my husband knew how to manipulate his way out of the nursing home and get back home before I could get rested (I have my own health issues).He would also ‘fire’ home care!
The last time he was in the nursing home,I refused to take him back!He was lying to the staff like we were working things out!Oh no!He ended up having to move to a different town because no one in this town would rent to him!
#16 Had a traumatic childhood
I think we all have in one way or another (or many ways). Could this be part of it? He was a victim once too.
So sorry to read what you went through. I am still trying to ‘shake my sisters’ to get them to realize how our maternal grandmother was overly-idealized in the family…and a paternal aunt as well.
Everyone suffered in silence. My mother was secretly miserable. How and why do these people get the power they do?
I know from reading ‘how’/’why’ to a certain extent, but it remains an eternal question.
Barb, they are born this way, with an inability to love, empathize. Childhood experience, intelligence and education can only effect their outward manifestation. Their abuse causes terrible problems for their families and communities and often abused normal children will go on to abuse their children whether they are psychopathic or not. Do not ever feel sorry for one, it is their favorite way to suck you in for abuse and they can seem so sincere.
They have the strongest urges to practice their “craft,” it’s pretty mind-boggling. My mother was on her deathbed, emphysema and lung cancer, unable to talk. But still she was able to manipulate my dad and play her game of lying and pitting us against one another. I guess it’s all they have really.
How sad. That is all they have.
It would be sad if it were not so harmful and devastating to so many others.