UPDATED FOR 2021. Just about all Lovefraud readers share the feeling of being shattered by the sociopath. You just can’t get your arms around the experience.
“How can someone who claims to love me be so cruel?”
“Do you mean he (she) never loved me? It was all a lie?”
“I never knew people like this existed!”
When you first begin to realize that you’ve been involved with someone who has a serious personality disorder, you may feel shattered by the sociopath, like you’ve lost your bearings in the world and you’re drifting.
You’ve had your heart broken before, but no previous relationship compared to this. Even if you’ve managed to get away from this toxic person, you feel lost. Your well-meaning friends and family are urging you to get over it, to put it behind you, but you can’t.
Why? Why is it so difficult to overcome the sociopathic experience?
I believe it’s because nobody talks about the fact that sociopaths live among us. It’s a giant, malevolent skeleton in humanity’s closet.
Society’s myths
All our lives, society bombards us with messages such as “everybody is basically the same,” “all men are created equal,” “we all just want to be loved,” and “there’s good in everyone.”
Read more: Explaining everyday sociopaths
We strive to follow the Golden Rule — “Treat others the way you want to be treated” — believing that if we’re good to people, they’ll be good to us in return.
As much as we would like these ideas to be universal, they are not. But no cultural institutions, such as schools, churches, or even women’s magazines, tells us that there are exceptions to all these truisms.
No one tells us that criminals and terrorists aren’t the only bad people in the world. No one tells us that our neighbors, co-workers, or fellow church members, who look just like us, may, in fact, be human predators.
So when we run into these human predators, we are totally unprepared.
The big contradiction
We don’t know about sociopaths — people who live their lives by exploiting others. Professionally, they may be diagnosed as antisocial, narcissistic, borderline, histrionic or psychopathic. The official estimates for the number of people who have these personality disorders average about 12% of the population.
For this segment of the population, all those feel-good messages we get from society simply don’t apply. These people are not the same as us. They do not just want to be loved. Deep down, there is no good inside.
World view
We all have a certain Weltanschauung, a word borrowed from German that means “world view.” We have ideas and beliefs about how the world works, the nature of things, and the nature of people.
After a lifetime of absorbing cultural messages such as “everyone deserves a chance” and “love can change everything,” these are the lenses through which we view the world. They are also the lenses through which we approach our relationships.
Then we are shattered by the sociopath.
Here’s why this betrayal is so devastating: It demolishes our world view. It contradicts everything we thought we knew and understood about the world and the people in it.
We learn, much to our horror, that our world view is not accurate. There is a certain percentage of the population — the sociopaths — for whom everything we thought we knew about humanity simply does not apply.
This is why we feel unhinged. Not only our heart is broken — our understanding of life is broken.
Wisdom
Along with emotional healing, therefore, recovery requires that we change our most fundamental beliefs.
Yes, for 88% of the population, everything we always thought remains true. But for the remaining 12%, we need to accept a new reality.
Sociopaths are totally different from the rest of us. They have no ability to love. They are motivated only by power and control.
Learn more: Start your recovery from emotional and psychological abuse
But now we know. We’ve know that although the majority of people are good and loving, some are not.
Having been shattered by the sociopath, we learned this lesson the hard way. Now we can approach the rest of our lives with the wisdom of a survivor.
Lovefraud originally posted this story on December 15, 2014.
Is Your Loved One Dysfunctional or a Sociopath?
It sounds like you’re doing all you can to take care of yourself and recover. Your hard work will pay off; you may be feeling a bit stronger already and less overwhelmed.
So typical of spaths to reframe the problem. He says the problem is you telling people he’s cheating, not the real problem which is that he cheated. It is so incredibly infuriating. Spaths choose victims who do not have fathers or brothers around who would deck them for mistreating the victim. I was a widow and my son was too young to protect me, when my ex P targeted me.
These people have broken the law in assaulting you physically.
Anger at injustice is righteous anger. There is power in your anger to motivate you to make necessary changes. Maybe to protect yourself; to expect and demand respect from everyone with whom you interact and to refuse to interact with anyone who doesn’t treat you decently; to withhold your gifts of your love, your time, the things you do to make others happy, from anyone who does not appreciate you. It’s difficult to make major changes, but you can do it, and it will be worth it.
When you feel better, you might consider what practical things to do to avoid running into him until you feel stronger, and how to handle the situation when others speak about him and/or bring to you the effects of his smear campaign. I’m sure your son’s girlfriend didn’t know how badly it would affect you. I didn’t even realize that I would be so triggered by second hand contact with my ex P.
I also feel so shattered by the things I have endured because of this sociopath because he has no he continues to find new victims He cons his way into any christian organization with lies. Some of those christian leaders are cons also with no remorse for taking money from hard working people.They use the money that good people give so they can travel the world. They become even more narcs with all the attention they get in the name of God! They even have women flock over to them even if they are married. It is disturbing almost like a cult. I feel shattered because even though I have beautiful kids with him I still wish I never would of met him, he ALMOST DESTROYED ME. I was great before I met him and he used me in such a manner that I was robbed blind cheated on lied to and hidden away from some people so they did not know he had a wife. He lies to his Mother and family he is a typical sociopath not violant be dangerous in so many other ways.so I also thought about my ex husbands new victims. I contemplate calling them and advising them about him. One girl in particular is a so called new christian in the church and seems normal. He has been hanging around her and it seems he is at the charming her stage. It is so easy to fall for this man because he plays on people and the love of god they have. He has a lot of tactics to seduce women in the church and even destroys their life. He has no remorse! When he lies it does not matter at all. These new followers are being conned by this man. I feel like I have responsibility to advise them but at the same time It is useless because they have already been brainwashed “just in case anyone come and tries to say they are bad’. I have grown in many areas and become a smarter person and I sometimes already peep the games people play way before they make the next move. I have learned some but still I have no competition with a sociopath because the are sooo creepy and can do whatever and no feel bad. I have been shattered and I also had a lot of anxiety and post traumatic stress but slowly but surely I am recovering and pulling out strength and patience I did not know I have. I understand how we can want justice and I believe in do time they will some how reap all the evil they have sown. I have post traumatic stress due to all the lies and cheating I endured from this man. He conned me out of almost all my money and he lived off of me for years. He cheated on me with two girls in the church and one when I was pregnant. He would not allow me to go to prayer meetings or gatherings and He would lie about everything compulsively. I escaped that spell he had me under and now I can see clearly.
It sounds like Satan is running that ‘church’ and is influencing many.
Have you found another spiritual group that you can fellowship with? It isn’t always easy. I checked out many churches before I decided on one to attend.
As far as warning others, in my experience the best way is just to let the victims know that you would be happy to talk to them if they ever have any questions. Most wouldn’t listen when they’re in the love bombing stage of victimization (I wouldn’t have). But when the spath’s evil becomes apparant and they are suffering, they’ll remember they can go to you for information. Joyce, I think it was, suggested writing a note beginning with, “I understand you’re involved in a relationship with XXXX…” which you might be able to find on this site.
I have not found another church because of all the abuse I endured with a so called preacher it kind of made me doubt God. So, I have just been working on praying again and take one day at a time. Yes Annette that church is so twisted its horrible. I decided to just let them be and hopefully they have a gut feeling that he is bad and they run for their lives. I would not have listened either if they told me he was bad. My mom and dad told me the day they met him and I did not listen. This site has been so helpful to me and so nice to communicate with people with knowledge of sociopaths and con artists! Thanks for responding!
I also feel so shattered by the things I have endured because of this sociopath because he has noremorese he continues to find new victims, He cons his way into any christian organization with lies. Some of those christian leaders are cons also with no remorse for taking money from hard working people.They use the money that good people give so they can travel the world. They become even more narcs with all the attention they get in the name of God! They even have women flock over to them even if they are married. It is disturbing almost like a cult. I feel shattered because even though I have beautiful kids with him I still wish I never would of met him, he ALMOST DESTROYED ME. I was great before I met him and he used me in such a manner that I was robbed blind cheated on lied to and hidden away from some people so they did not know he had a wife. He lies to his Mother and family he is a typical sociopath not violent physically dangerous in so many other ways.so I also thought about my ex husbands new victims. I contemplate calling them and advising them about him. One girl in particular is a so called new christian in the church and seems normal,He has been hanging around her and it seems he is at the charming her stage. It is so easy to fall for this man because he plays on people and the love of god they have. He has a lot of tactics to seduce women in the church and even destroys their life. He has no remorse! When he lies it does not matter at all. These new followers are being conned by this man. I feel like I have responsibility to advise them but at the same time It is useless because they have already been brainwashed “just in case anyone come and tries to say they are bad’. I have grown in many areas and become a smarter person and I sometimes already peep the games people play way before they make the next move. I have learned some but still I have no competition with a sociopath because the are sooo creepy and can do whatever and no feel bad. I have been shattered and I also had a lot of anxiety and post traumatic stress but slowly but surely I am recovering and pulling out strength and patience I did not know I have. I understand how we can want justice and I believe in do time they will some how reap all the evil they have sown. I have post traumatic stress due to all the lies and cheating I endured from this man. He conned me out of almost all my money and he lived off of me for years. He cheated on me with two girls in the church and one when I was pregnant. He would not allow me to go to prayer meetings or gatherings and He would lie about everything compulsively. I escaped that spell he had me under and now I can see clearly.