Editor’s note: Lovefraud received the following advice from a reader.
By R. Brooks
If you are like myself and have dealt (or are dealing) with a sociopath in court, you are fully aware of how difficult and exhausting it can be. These dealings are increasingly horrible when you are dealing with said person in a child custody hearing. I am here to tell you — YOU CAN BEAT THEM.
However, to win takes commitment, consistency and most of all, patience. There is no such thing as instant gratification when you are dealing with this kind of individual, so if that is what you are expecting, it will never happen.
I like the old saying, “Give them enough rope and they will hang themselves.” With sociopaths, the rope is time, so patience is critical.
Also, I have read so many forums, comments, and blogs that tend to give the impression that to win, you must have a lot of money and a high powered (and expensive) attorney. This is also NOT TRUE. I am that person that spent 10s of thousands of dollars on private investigators but quickly learned that it was not very fruitful in court, so I found other ways to document my experiences.
This is my guide on how, little by little, I have beaten a sociopath in my child custody hearings.
Know your court orders
The first thing I want you to do, if you have already been to court and have either temporary or final orders, is STUDY THEM. Make yourself learn these orders front to back, side to side, up and down, forwards and backwards. I want you to be able to know the exact page something is on and recite it off the cuff. Trust me; this can be extremely helpful later on.
One thing a judge hates is violations of the orders, so it is equally as important for you to comply (as hard as it is to do at times). If you have not been to court yet, keep reading, but once you do have these papers, do the same thing.
Effortless lies
Second, you need to ask yourself, “What makes a person a sociopath?” The one trait every sociopath has in common is the ability to tell a lie so effortlessly that (if you didn’t know better) it would leave you scratching your head thinking they have to be telling the truth, because no one can be THAT good of a liar. Remember they have been doing this for years and have perfected the art of telling a lie.
If you were raised like most of us, you were taught very early in life that it is always better to tell the truth. Please do not let a sociopath ruin your values (refer to 1 Corinthians 15:33) and that is still the case. Never try to beat a sociopath by becoming a liar yourself. I promise, it will come back to bite you and it is illegal when you are on a witness stand. No one person can keep track of the countless lies they have told. They will trip up — eventually!
Documentation
You have heard family, friends and probably even an attorney tell you “documentation, documentation, documentation.” I admit, when I first heard that I thought to myself, “No one has time to do all that. I am a single mother and a business owner. I don’t have that kind of time.”
Documentation is a very crucial key to your case. I have found several things that have helped me in this and they are:
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A website called www.ourfamilywizard.com
I love this website for several reasons but the best one is that EVERYTHING is time stamped and dated on both sides. I am sure there are other websites out there but I have not found them yet. If you send the co-parent a message about the child or children, it will time stamp the message to when they read it. It is important to note that this was the most expensive thing I did other than my attorney, and the fee is $99 per parent per year. They call and set up the co-parent’s account, which helps later on when they can no longer say, “Oh someone else was using my account,” or the sociopathic go-to for all confrontations the instant case of amnesia.
You have a very good calendar that allows you to put anything on it. It has a place to keep track of expenses (sports, dance, medical bills, etc.), a trade request option, and so much more. This website helped me a lot in court because my ex would say things like, “She never told me (the child) had a doctor’s appointment,” but I did tell him in a message and it was time stamped when he read it.
The other thing I like about this website is if your child is of age to have an email address, you can add them to the website to do all the same functions you can do. They also have an app for smart phones.
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Try to do all communicating through text or email
I prefer using the above referenced website, but the sociopath refuses to use it most of the time. If you are asking why, it is because everything can be printed and taken to court as evidence with the time stamps.
I don’t necessarily suggest text unless you are screenshotting every message and they have the read receipt turned on. Also it can become very overwhelming very fast to put everything in order when preparing for court.
There are several websites that have software that will extract text messages from your phone where you have the ability to print them. Be careful in your search, though, and make sure you choose one that will also print the phone number of the co-parent.
This one I learned the hard way. My sociopath ex, changed the name tag for his father’s phone number to my name and sent himself a bunch of text messages where I was calling him names, threating, etc. and attempted to use them against me in court. Remember text within a conversation can be deleted on many smart phones (that’s what he said I did). If I had not had my own documentation (and my phone) this could have ended very badly for me.
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Time stamped photos
If you have a smart phone, download a camera app that will time stamp and date pictures as well. Take pictures and lots of them. DO NOT ATTEMPT PHOTOSHOP! Do not try to edit the pictures at all, EVER. Please remember what I said earlier about maintaining your values.
If you are taking several pictures a minute or 2 apart and can show that, pictures work wonders. Videos are not good so try to avoid them unless you can get still images with the time and date. Make notes on the back of the pictures as to why you took them.
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Voice recorder
If you are like so many of us that are forced to communicate verbally with our sociopathic ex during exchanges, record it. Put a voice recorder in your pocket or use your phone. I prefer to use my phone.
Remember that you are being recorded as well, so always be polite, remain calm and patient. A great strategy is using their words against them.
There is software you can find online that allows you to break down the entire length of the conversation into small pieces. A judge does not want to listen to your 22-minute conversation about what the kids had for lunch and sees it as you wasting the court’s time. You do not want to cut out yourself speaking either. Break up the recording and start with you asking them a question and stop it after their response.
For example, I asked my sociopathic ex if he was coming to my child’s birthday party, to which he responded, “I’ll have my daughter one way or another.” Or when I told him that his parents could come to my home to see my child, he responded with, “They aren’t going to do that because they hate you.”
Using their words against them in your court can be very effective, but you have to play devil’s advocate. What I mean by that is, we all know certain things that set them off, but if you get hateful in your question because you know their response will be just as hateful, they can turn it around on you, saying you intentionally did that while recording because you knew what kind of response you would get. It could make you look like you were trying to trap them and you know how good they are at using the victim card.
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Record calls
Again, if you have a smart phone, download a call recording app. This is for the unexpected times they call. You do not want to ignore the call and immediately text them with, “I prefer to only communicate with you through text or email.” This could come back and make it appear as if you are unwilling to communicate with them.
There are several apps and most are free. Just pick one. Again you can use the same software to break down the conversation. Just remember, you are being recorded too, so the same rules apply.
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Three-ring binder
Next, I want you go to any store and buy a 3-ring binder and dividers. At the end of every month, print everything you have and notate the discrepancies or where your ex was in contempt or lied, and file it behind the appropriate month.
You need a good six months or more of this documented evidence before you attempt court again. You can add as much documentation in this binder as you would like.
Have a blank piece of paper that you use as a journal. Do not get off track in your journal. Going on a tirade of how horrible your ex is will only make things worse.
You do not want anything in that binder that you wouldn’t want a judge to see. Make sure everything has a date on it. I put my child support payment records (or lack thereof) in my binder. Leave it to only things that are facts and can be backed up on paper. Everything else is just hearsay and your personal opinion.
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Discovery
More documentation! If you know something for a fact, it can be documented but you cannot get your hands on the documents without it being illegal (don’t start digging in their garbage in the middle of the night), ask your attorney to do what is called a “discovery request.” This is a letter sent to their attorney that lists documents to be sent to your attorney.
For example, the sociopathic father of my child chooses not to work. But he uses work as an excuse to not exercise visitation, therefore it is important to my case to prove he is not working. So I had my attorney do this discovery requesting his W2s and tax returns for the years in question. They have 30 days to respond to the request in my state. Your attorney can give you copies for your binder.
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Keep your binder with you
Never go anywhere without your binder! You never know when you will need it.
The ex-sociopath recently reported me to Child Protective Services. My binder was not far away when the police showed up at my door to do a child welfare check. Filing a false report is a crime, which is exactly how the police officer took it, after seeing my mountain of evidence.
Speaking in court
Now, you need to practice how you speak. Chances are you will have to testify in court. You need to practice your responses to prepared questions and practice how you are going to respond to being bullied by the opposing attorney.
How you represent yourself is extremely important! If you appear to be an emotional loose cannon on the stand, it will also appear that you are being spiteful and unwilling to compromise. You could have all the evidence in the world but completely ruin it by getting upset.
Have someone ask you a lot of questions really fast as well. Attorneys tend to do this to confuse and upset you. Use the “breath then answer” approach. Basically, let them finish talking before you answer.
Avoid answering questions like, “Do you hate them, do you hate their family, do you think the child/children will benefit in life by only having one parent.” Do not ever say things like, “He/She is a bad parent. They don’t have their life together. They don’t do what they are supposed to. They are an addict.”
And NEVER say, “He/she a sociopathic liar.”
If asked questions that do not have a fact-based answer, use “I feel” or “I believe” when you respond. So if you are asked “Are you trying to keep your child/children from their father/mother?” your response should be along the lines of, “I believe one unhealthy or unreliable relationship could be harmful to my child/children’s developmental growth.”
You might be asking why you should answer questions in this manner and the reason is, no one can argue with how you feel or what you believe, and you are not specifically saying the other parent is bad. Name calling and finger pointing is never a good idea in court, so try to stick with facts.
Witnesses
The only other thing I am going to tell you to do is avoid using family and friends as witnesses. If you use a witness in court, it should only be someone who is not going to be biased. If you use family and friends as witnesses, the judge and opposing attorney will see it as nothing more than they are taking your side because you are who they are close to.
So the same rules are going to apply to these people in your life. If they can back up what they are testifying to with documentation, that’s fine, but they have to leave personal opinions to themselves and avoid answering questions that ask them about personal opinions.
You become the enemy
Let’s face it; a sociopath is difficult to deal with. As soon as you file anything you will become the enemy, and at that point they will try every tactic in their arsenal to trip you up. He has gone from yelling, screaming and cussing at me to telling me that he is still in love with me. And never rule out harassment.
You are going to have to become a very good actor. They cannot know that what they are doing makes you upset or angry. Making you angry is their motivation because they see you as weak.
What works in your favor is that a sociopath is predictable. You can predict the things they are going to try and how they are going to react. Unfortunately, you have to play defense 90% of the time, so always be prepared.
Faith in God
The last thing I will tell you is keep your faith in God. I know that there are so many times that we lose faith because dealing with a sociopath makes us question ourselves and our values.
I recommend reading (and studying) Psalms 27 and 28. I have seen God working in my life in this situation. Every time I feel like I have been defeated by this person, I come back with even better results than I had hoped.
Now I am not a holy roller, bible thumping, southern Baptist, in that I feel like I should put in some work too and not leave it all to God. I feel like a relationship with God is a lot like taking an exam, you cannot walk in never having studied, and praying God will change all your answers so you pass.
The same goes for walking into court. If you put in the work and do the best you can, you will win a little victory every time. Eventually, you will have what you ultimately want.
One of my favorite sayings is, “We cannot have things on our watch because we are all on God’s time.”
I tried for years to protect our children from their father, and the legal system did little to help
R. Brooks – thank you so much for your contribution. You offer very good advice for Lovefraud readers who have to deal with child custody battles with sociopaths.
Much of this is good advice. But I did have some cautions or different experiences, and in the end I did “win” in that I got the custody I requested and my N/P ex-H did not.
First off, before recording anything, check the laws in your state. It may be illegal or inadmissable.
Second, regarding getting the sociopathic knee-jerk raging responses to normal questions about co-parenting (the author here mentions on tape), I got these in many, many emails, along with other email harrassment, sufficient to apply for restraining orders twice. But ultimately, although the police certainly cared and were worried, and so were 2 out of 3 judges, the way the law is written, ultimately the court did not care.
I had lots of documentation. They did not really care much about it. It was all arguing about so many things, too confusing and too irrelevant for them to get their arms around it, from their point of view.
They did care about my outside objective experts who proved that my ex had not really been trying to get a job for many years. And they cared what the custody and psychological evaluator had to say. That was worth every penny.
At my request, an attorney was hired for our children. That turned out to be the most important thing — for two reasons. First, he did not care about their interests enough to have to have an outside advocate. Second, when (and I do mean when, because most sociopaths do not mediate and settle) you go to trial, with a children’s attorney, the time is divided into thirds, not halves. So, if the children’s attorney gets the sociopath, essentially you are going to have two-thirds on your and the kids’ side. That may backfire if your kids are adamant about being with the sociopath.
The part about predictability is so true, though. I had witnesses lined up for trial. I had briefed my attorney on what my ex’s flavor of sociopath looked like and what his worldview is. She was also trained in people with personality disorders, chiefly the sociopathic kinds, and what they do in court. We (nicely) asked things in such a way as to cause him to react predictably narcissistically and hostilely, showing this behavior for the court. I think of it like judo, using your opponent’s weight against him. We did not use the witnesses because my attorney thought he was doing a better job of hanging himself and we wanted him to have his full time talking. He showed himself, and I “won”.
Realize “winning” may be getting free with more custody and less payments you make or more payments you receive from your ex, however that works better for you. But it will come at a tremendous personal/emotional/family cost, as well as a very real and stunning financial price tag.
The only way I can think of to win at a low cost is to let the sociopath show his colors over time and document each violation of the agreement and court order, and then go back to court, representing yourself, over and over again. That could work. But the judge could also lay the blame for court fighting on you and take away more custody. It is cleaner to get it as won as possible from the get go.
So, these are all things to think about in terms of strategy. I hope for the best for anyone facing trying to get custody when divorcing a sociopath. It can be done, but it is not going to be easy or quick.
I love the advice on how to prepare for a custody battle in court. However, I am at a standstill and have a hearing coming up in seven weeks. I have gone through three attorneys at the cost of about $500K. Yes, you read that right!!! I am worse, WORSE, based on their inability to fight a diabolical and incredibly talented sociopath.
To date, I have done all of the right things. I have documented EVERYTHING, from emails to texts to letters from my children’s schools, to police records (43 of them to date). Not once, did a judge care to see any of them including ones that read “You will pay for this every day of your life.” My ex also followed me half way across the country after being given a clear cease and desist letter to leave me alone and not follow me. Not only did he follow me but, while I was in the other state, he sent me roughly 50-91 texts a day!!! I took that to a judge who said, and I quote, “There is no harassment here.” I was followed out of the courtroom by a prosecutor who heard the remark and was shocked that I was not given any protection after I presented clear evidence that I was stalked. After three attempts to get a protective order, I was finally granted one. I am sure no one would be surprised to learn that he violated it three days later. When he was arrested, my ex called to tell our son and our son said it was the most horrible thing I could do to his father. His father has now become the victim.
My emails have been stolen, not surprisingly four days before a court hearing for contempt.. My house has been broken into, my tires slashed, my car tampered with, my bank accounts compromised and my credit card accounts too!!! He has had my utilities cut off, my house alarm dismantled…. to name a few things. The police know that he is doing these things to me, but they have not caught him in the act so until they do, all bets are off.
The worse part of it all, is that he befriended our son. After being absent from our son’s life for years, he reappeared last year with a horrifying skype that I would have my son tell a judge that he does not feel safe with his dad and that i am a “horrible person.” (I have the skype but no one wants to see it) . First, of all I was already given sole primary custody and was already divorced several years so why on earth would this even be an issue after so many years?. My ex wanted a relationship with our son, so with baby steps, we set up some visitations. All of them, all, were shrouded in him not bringing the child home on time, and not just by a few hours; sometimes by days!!! He was able to convince our son that I was/am the bad guy and coerced the child to live with him, so that is where my side has resided for the past seven months. My son, during this past year, has been kicked out of three honors classes at school and was suspended for lying. He is in tenth grade so these years matter as far as college is concerned. Just last week the dad kept him home from school and our son missed assignments and is falling behind in school – again.
The worst of it is that our son’s reality is no longer —- well, reality. He has no recollection of anything other than the past 18 months. He has given up all of his past friends and interests. The only thing he is interested in his what his father allows. I know the dad is using the child to get out of paying child support and to torment me, but the child thinks this dad loves him. The dad stays away on weekends leaving our son alone, which is not a crime in our state, but in my view is neglect. The worst of it is that he has rewritten our son’s history, so much so, that my son accuses me of doing things I have never done or would even think of.
In preparation for our heating, my ex, both of our children and myself met with the court appointed custody evaluator. I presented the emails and texts, plus the police records and charges for my ex. He also has a psych history. The evaluator minimized the abuse and stated that his only criminal charges are filed by me, as though they have no merit since I am the only person who has filed criminal charges against him. I have no mental illness history or criminal records.
My son told the evaluator that I beat him his entire life and that he would wake up in the middle night and I was never home. I have never ever ever hit or spanked my children and I have never ever ever been away from them at night. Yet, the custody evaluator believed my son and has recommended to the courts that my ex have full physical and legal custody and make all of our son’s decisions. Basically, she has reduced my role in my son’s life to an egg donor. Although my ex has violated every inch of the divorce decree, that no lawyer or judge has forced him to honor, he holds onto her recommendation as the gospel and keeps our son from me. He uses our son as a mouthpiece so my son will accuse me of things that are not child-parent appropriate behavior.
Ironically, our daughter who is almost 18 has been an honor student since 8th grade. She is lovely and well mannered. She was also interviewed by the custody evaluator who took no validity into our daughter’s testimony and completely dismissed it. Our daughter has nothing to do with my ex, her dad, for five years. He created a smear campaign against her to get out of paying for her school while he continued to pay for her brother. He has kept her from accepting certain rewards such as being offered a summer study at Oxford University four summers ago, and the denial of a necessary surgical procedure on her jaw. The custody evaluator told our daughter that she had a responsibility to build a relationship with her dad. This is completely opposite from what my daughter;s therapist told her years ago.
I have been in a wonderful new relationship (well not so knew as it is 2 1/2 years now) and cannot move on with my life. Every day – every day – my ex does something to me and he gets away with it.
My son’s therapist told me he will not stop until he gets another target. Lovely.
Usually, I am a very emotionally strong grounded individual but, I am beginning to become hopeless.
I just found this website this evening. I am so thankful I have. Your ex sounds like mine. My daughter is only 5 years old and he currently only has visitation but is about to get custody of her due to a fraudulent custody evaluation recommendation. My daughter is already suffering mental problems because of her fathers influence and he will not allow her to get the intensive therapy she needs (he has 50/50 legal and can deny any medical treatment). I need any advice possible to avoid this tragedy. If my daughter spends any more time there than she already does, she will turn out just like her father for sure.
I also want to tell you that I am so incredibly sorry for what you are dealing with. I know the pain. It has destroyed my health and my family (my husband and 4 other children are also suffering).
At some point you just have to stop fighting. It sounds like you have reached that point. Just let it happen. It will sort out later — or not. Sometimes we just have to realize our children will choose and hope they eventually gain maturity and choose well.
I learned the hard way about recording conversations. I had nearly 20 minutes of him screaming every threat in the book at me, including threats against my life and my kids. I found out that since I didn’t say “This is being recorded” that I can’t use it! I found out that even if you say “This is being recorded” and the person says they don’t consent or even acknowledge it that it CAN be used…they were informed it was being recorded and still chose to talk. People with the disorder if you are familiar with them, think they are above the law, they are always right, and they can manipulate anyone…they WILL continue to talk. I have not had the opportunity to have another chance at recording him yet but I am ready for when I do.
That is specific by state. The state I am in allows recordings as long as at least one party is aware of being recorded.
These are great principles from everyone, but for someone without the means to have attorneys, well its all just a lovely dream.
Thank G.O.D. my babydaddy cant even potentially harass us. He has been declared missing since last July. It appears hes deceased. He can not live without an audience, if a supply is not available.
While I combat occasional cortisol surges thinking I will suddenly be served papers for a very much alive spath (who’s living nearby in my worst tortures), in reality its been all quiet on the western front for 4.5 yrs now. No contact at all in, let’s see; wow, a good yr! I havent responded to his contact attempts in years. Nor to his family’s attempts.
I feel so badly for all you moms embattled with these sickos. I managed to find one who is mentally ill, with no familial support or comprehension, on top of the spathiness. Its proved to be my silver lining.
My brother who is an NPD at the least, probable spath, would be unrelentless in his terrorizing of an ex. I know what you ladies face everyday when you wake up and see youve made it to another day. I do.
I would really like to connect with people from this group. It has been almost impossible to find people in my circle who really understand what a sociopath ex is capable of. I am about to lose my 5 year old daughter to her sociopath father and I am beyond terrified for her.
A very informative info!
I cried reading the article. And then cried again reading the comments…..IM NOT ALONE!!!! Today I was googling how to prepare for a custody hearing, and this article came up, like it KNEW I needed to read this. My life is like the people who commented! Today we had a temporary custody hearing, which I “won” but my autistic 3 year old who hasn’t seen her dad in a year,was ordered to spend a week with him! Mind you, we live 1600 miles apart!!! We have about 9 weeks before our custody hearing, where he is seeking FULL CUSTODY! Is there a support group?! I feel like I need to hide in a closet and SCREAM! This man admits to everything and STILL gets 2 one week visits,basically at MY expense! I dont know how I will keep it together for the next 9 weeks. I have to find and PAY for every medical expert to testify on her behalf…..unreal what these men can do…and just like so many have said, lie, effortlessly. Its DISGUSTING
mommy2autism – Welcome to Lovefraud, although I am sorry for the reason that you found us. What you are describing is very typical of sociopathic behavior in a custody battle. We have lots of information here on Lovefraud – try typing “custody” into the Google search box at the top of this column. Also you might want to check out our webinars.
The more you can educate yourself, and the more you can process your own emotion about the situation, the better you will be in court.